Vulpes | By : Relevant_Peach Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male Views: 8816 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1 |
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Harry’s long sleep lasted another month and a half. Severus was beside himself. One night, after too much fire-whiskey and worrying, he found himself recalling the tale of Sleeping Beauty. As he eyed the sleeping fox speculatively, better sense fortunately took over, and he put himself to bed with a groan. The next morning, hung over and miserable, he eyed Harry and muttered, “You’re sending me mad, Harry. I don’t know if you’re in there, if you can hear me, but I miss you. You can stay like this if you need to, but, Merlin, I wish you’d wake up.”
There was no immediate response, and so, casting a monitoring charm, Severus sadly left his quarters to teach his sixth year Gryffindor/Slytherin class. The students were greatly subdued, their two missing classmates’ absence still conspicuous. Halfway through a theory lesson on compulsion potions, Severus sighed and said “Class dismissed.” The students looked at one another, confused. No one moved. “Go on.” His voice was leaden. When they still remained, Severus’ fraying temper dissembled completely. “Go!” He roared, and the students scattered, grabbing their things and fleeing. Severus put his head down on his desk.
“Severus?” The soft knock at his door caused every muscle in Severus’ body to tense. Albus was, truly, one of his closest friends, but his unceasing cheeriness set his teeth on edge.
“What is it?” He asked curtly.
“I had some visitors, not very long ago.” Severus didn’t reply. He didn’t care. “Both Miss Granger and Mister Weasley were quite concerned about you.” When Severus still didn’t respond, he continued, “Severus, you can’t go on like this”
“No.” Severus responded. “I don’t suppose I can. I’ll have my things packed and leave the castle by morning.”
Albus chuckled. “If I planned to sack you because you shouted at students, you wouldn’t have lasted your first year. Of course I don’t want you to leave, Severus. I just don’t want to see you living this half-life. Voldemort is dead. You have your life ahead of you.”
Severus saw sense in what Albus was saying. Now that he had been freed of his servitude to the Dark Lord, and his role as a spy to Albus, he truly could do anything. Severus struggled to remember the goals he’d set as a student, long before he’d taken the Dark Mark. Suddenly, he was cast back to his fifth year, sitting with Lily under the tree by the Lake.
“I want to be an Unspeakable” Lily’s voice said in his memory. “I want to study everything!”
“You’d do well” Severus agreed. “You can’t resist meddling in things.”
She thumped his shoulder, laughing, and began to braid strands of grass together. “Just think, Sev, two years, and we’ll be able to do anything we like. What about you?”
“I want to be extraordinary” he said quietly.
“You already are!” She told him fondly. “And what will Severus Snape, graduate of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, do with his extraordinary talents?”
“I want to travel. I want to see the world”. With a rueful smile he continued. “I want to see more than Spinner’s End.”
“You shall, Sev. And when you come home from your travels, you’ll visit me, and come meet my children, and we’ll sit in my back garden while you tell me of all your adventures. Can’t you just see it, Sev?”
He could. Sitting in the weak November sunshine, a warming charm keeping out the Scottish breezes, he imagined Lily at forty. It seemed an impossible age. Her hair would be greying a little, and she’d have lines around her eyes from the way she squinted when she laughed. He’d be taller, not so skinny, and carry an air of mystery about him. He imagined her with a cluster of little red-haired children surrounding her. Surely one of them would have her expressive green eyes. He couldn’t imagine what her husband would be like, probably another Unspeakable, someone as clever as she. They’d spend their nights discussing esoteric branches of magic, and their home would be warm, and welcoming, and Severus would be greeted as a returning hero.
Looking back, he mourned their innocence. They had no concept that, a year later, they’d be enemies, that Lily would be dating Potter, that Severus would doom himself to enslavement at the feet of a madman. That another few years, and the vibrant girl with the laughing eyes would be dead by the hand of Severus’ captor.
Albus was speaking, Severus realized, and he extricated himself from his memories. “…perhaps a sabbatical?”
“I couldn’t” Severus said stiffly.
“Why not?”
“I have duties here, my Slytherins are so unsettled right now.”
Albus snorted. “Your Slytherins will be just fine, Severus. What would you like to do?”
“I-I don’t know” Severus said slowly.
“Well, think about it, my boy. You have your whole life ahead of you now”
Severus stammered a thank you, and posted a note on his door, cancelling the rest of his classes. He needed to think. He found himself in the Forbidden Forest, pointedly avoiding the clearing where Harry had been captured. As he walked, his path a little aimless, he considered the Headmaster’s words. He truly was free now. He could go anywhere, do anything he liked. A heady sense of possibility infused him.
Suddenly, Snape’s mind’s eye saw himself on a distant mountaintop, learning about the ancients from a powerful Mage. He could learn anything he wanted to. He could devote himself to the acquisition of information, and develop new and powerful spells and potions. He could satisfy the burning curiosity that years of duty and responsibility hadn’t yet quenched.
Severus’ eyes burned with excitement as he let himself freely imagine the possibilities. It was as if the past fifteen years hadn’t happened, and he had the chance to start afresh, pick up where he’d left off, at the side of the lake, imagining his future with Lily.
At the thought of Lily, his soaring emotions hit the ground with a bump. Harry. In all of his imaginings, the little fox hadn’t entered his thoughts since the morning. Of course he couldn’t leave Harry, not while he was lying so still and weak in his quarters. Severus had promised to protect him, and if that meant putting his dreams back on the shelf, he’d cope with the disappointment as he always had. So resolved, he abruptly turned and set off towards the Castle. It was nearly time to spell a nutrition potion into the tiny fox anyhow.
The next few days saw a new, more settled, Severus Snape. He returned to his classes, and if there was no passion behind his vocation, nobody was the wiser. In truth, since the lines of strain and worry had eased from around his eyes, Severus’ students found themselves pleasantly surprised by how much nicer their Potions Professor was. Granger, who dutifully showed up at his doors each morning before breakfast to visit Harry, said as much. “Sir?” She offered tentatively.
“Yes Miss Granger?” Severus asked, barely looking up from the essays he was marking.
“I was just thinking that, although the situation with Harry is still very worrying, you must feel awfully relieved that…He…is gone.”
“Yes, of course. Our world is much safer now. It’s a relief to focus on preparing students to be productive members of society, not warriors.”
“Well, yes, of course,” she said, “but I meant you, personally, sir. I know that the Ministry and the Prophet have only revealed a fraction of what you’ve done for the war effort, but you sacrificed so much for us all. I just…wanted to thank you, sir”
Severus eyed her sharply, his innate suspicion of anyone’s motives, particularly when they were being kind, kicking in. But, the earnest face who looked up at him from the floor, where she was gently stroking Harry’s back, was open, kind, grateful. Feeling entirely wrong-footed, Severus said “It’s nothing, Miss Granger, anyone would have done the same in my position.”
To his surprise, Granger laughed. “I hardly think so, sir. I have an inkling of how much you’ve done, not just against Him, but also to help Harry. I appreciate it. In some ways, I feel like you’re the only adult who’s ever seen Harry as a person, instead of a weapon, or a symbol. He needed that.”
“He had a lot of expectations placed on him” Severus agreed.
“Yes, and so did you, sir. I just…wanted you to know how much your efforts have meant to me…to all of us, really.”
Severus gave Granger a thin-lipped smile, and she returned to her one-sided discussion with a sleeping Harry. After some time, she stood, and spelled the wrinkles from her robes. “Thank you again for letting me visit Harry, sir.”
“You’re most welcome. Anything that might help.”
“Sir, do you think that giving him the restorative potion might help? Maybe if he were human, he’d be able to wake up again.”
“I’ve considered it,” he said, “but we just don’t know. And I’m fearful that, because of the lack of research, we might hurt him more. I won’t use Harry as a test subject.”
“No, of course not. Would…” she lingered at the doorway, her posture uncomfortable as she studied the floor. “Would you give me a pass to the restricted section, sir? I think you know that I’m trustworthy, and I just can’t sit around doing nothing. Even if my research comes to nothing, it makes me feel less helpless”
He considered this. In truth, Albus had removed most of the books that could truly cause harm from the Library completely. It would hurt nothing, and possibly help, if Granger were allowed unfettered access to knowledge. Striding quickly to his desk, he completed the pass and handed it to the girl, whose eyes were hard with determination. “Thank you sir.” With a flurry of robes, she was gone, leaving Severus and the slumbering fox.
He set off to his first class, after casting the now-routine monitoring charms on Harry, and was midway through a lecture on asphodel when, to his astonishment, the monitoring charms chimed. Severus broke off mid-sentence and dropped his notes. “C-class dismissed” he whispered, before he sprinted out of the classroom and towards his quarters, composure be damned.
Harry had not truly awoken yet, but the tiny movements and stretches suggested that the quality of his sleep had changed. Something was happening, and after weeks of inertia, Severus felt a tingle of anticipation ripple down his spine. He sent his Patronus off in search of Dumbledore, and, after a moment’s hesitation, sent another one to find Granger. No doubt, she and Weasley would come crashing in along with Albus, but they deserved this, especially Granger.
The little fox gave a luxurious stretch and curled into a new sleeping position. This was unquestionably different. His focused fox-watching was interrupted by a gentle knock at the door. He waved a careless hand, and the wards that protect him dropped, allowing the door to swing open and reveal Dumbledore. “Severus?” Albus entered the room with a broad smile. “Harry is awakening?”
“I think so, Headmaster. He seems to be slowly regaining consciousness.”
Albus watched Harry fondly for a moment, then moved to the Floo, to call Poppy, who bustled through the flames a few moments later, the pockets of her robes jingling with potions vials. She cast a few diagnostic scans and smiled at them. “Severus, I think you’re right. I think that Harry might be waking up!”
A bang on the door made them all jump, and Severus waved it open. Granger and Weasley were both panting, having run from their study period. “What is it?” Weasley demanded. “Is Harry better?”
“It seems so” Albus said, casting a beaming smile upon two of his beloved students.
For some time, not much happened. Harry rolled over at one point, and smacked his jaws at another, clearly having a vulpine dream. As a sense of anti-climax permeated the room, Severus was about to bid them all leave. Just when his mouth opened, however, Harry moved again, and his eyes blinked open sleepily.
“H-Harry?” Severus breathed, barely able to believe that this was happening.
The eyes widened, and met his. Harry sniffed wildly, alarmed by his audience, and disoriented. Recognition seemed to dawn suddenly, and Harry’s entire body tensed. His eyes narrowed, and he intently met Severus’ gaze, before his lips drew back into a snarl. The little body scrambled to his feet, and his back arched slightly. Severus took a step back, a wave of hurt crashing over him.
“He doesn’t know!” Hermione said suddenly. She’d been told the entire story. The Polyjuice, the battle at Malfoy Manor, the Horcruxes. “He doesn’t know that it wasn’t you who captured him, Professor. He’s confused.”
At the sound of Granger’s voice, Harry unlocked his gaze from Severus’ and his eyes darted around the room. The confusion seemed to overwhelm him, and, quick as a wink, he leapt off the cushions he’d been slumbering atop, and disappeared into a corner, where he crouched, growling steadily.
“Oh dear,” Albus said sadly, and Severus was unable to look at him, unable to see the pity in his eyes.
“I’ll…I’ll go,” Severus said dumbly, his misery and despair making his movements wooden. He strode from the room, and into the comforting familiarity of his lab, where he dove deep into a complicated brew that would prevent him from thinking. Some hours later, when he emerged, still broken, but detached, a sizeable portion of his mind still deep within a cauldron, the room was empty. Obviously, they had taken Harry, who associated Severus with betrayal, and pain, and humiliation. The thought made his heart pang sharply, but, as his stomach swooped and lurched, he saw the rightness of it.
This was his punishment. Harry had been saved, but he now loathed Severus. It was what he deserved, for his long-ago betrayal, and for years of mistreatment of Lily’s son. The comfort and ease that he and Harry had found with one another would never again make itself known. The budding feelings of…attraction, or whatever misguided emotion Harry had been feeling when he’d kissed Severus…those were gone as well. Harry would, whether he remained in his fox form or not, fear and mistrust Severus for the rest of his life.
With leaden steps, Severus slowly made his way to Albus’ office. Albus must have been expecting him, because the Gargoyle at the foot of the stairs leapt smartly away without Severus giving the password. He rode the steps silently, his thoughts bleak.
Albus looked up from parchment and quill with a big smile. “Hello, Severus”
“Headmaster”
“Harry has returned to Gryffindor tower with Mister Weasley and Miss Granger. He seems most comfortable with Miss Granger, and has become much calmer since his earlier reaction.”
“That’s good” Severus replied. “I am sure that he will be well cared for.”
“Yes, of course. Miss Granger is most conscientious. You are certainly welcome to visit Harry in the Common room, Severus. I’m sure that Harry will be glad to see you, now that his disorientation has lessened.”
“I…No, Headmaster.” Severus didn’t say that he wouldn’t be able to bear another similar reaction. He tried not to remember the hate-filled gaze and the bared teeth. If Harry rejected him again, it would be impossible to forget.
As it turned out, Albus’ didn’t need him to say anything. He smiled sadly at Severus. “I’m sure he’ll come around, Severus”
“ I do not share your optimism, Headmaster. He’s been deeply traumatized, and views me as the architect of his demise. It is understandable. Harry needs to be with those he views trustworthy in order to heal.”
“Come now, Severus, you’re being maudlin. As you point out, Harry has had a traumatic experience, but he will certainly see how things really are soon. You need to be patient.”
“Albus, in all the years you’ve known me, have you ever known me to be impatient? That’s not what this is, and you know it.”
Albus sighed. “Indeed. Your tendency towards self-recrimination will force you to avoid Harry until there’s no hope of your reconciliation. Please, Severus, see reason.”
“I don’t wish to discuss it”
Another sigh. “Very well, my boy. I won’t press the issue.”
Severus stood, said goodbye, and returned to his quarters. A glass of fire whiskey by the hearth later, he’d reached a decision. It took a surprisingly short time to gather his possessions together. His quarters looked little different than they had a few hours earlier, if bereft of a scant few photographs and books. Severus shrank his trunk, and gathered a parchment, quill and ink to pen a few letters.
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