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And They Didn\'t Live Happily Ever After	By : ElizabethStump Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Snape/Hermione Views: 90306 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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"And They Didn't Live Happily Ever After"

Chapter One Hundred Thirteen
"The Redoubtable Convocation of Potions Masters and Mistresses"

Disclaimer: How many people write fanfic
How many make money from it – not I?
Where were you while Rowling published Potter?
Slowly posting on my wall
Disclaiming about owning it all
Where were you while Rowling created it?
Someday you will read me
Caught beneath the disclaimer
In an epic super-fanfic on the Internet
Someday you will read me
Caught beneath the disclaimer
In an epic super-fanfic on the Internet

A/N: Disclaimer a parody of "Champagne Supernova"; Songwriters: GALLAGHER, NOEL
Champagne Supernova lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

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Lavender sat down, finding a seat next to Ginny and Draco. "I'm sorry that took so long. Seems that because Ron was once divorced, that was cause for not granting automatic guardianship. We had to plead our case as to why we should become Devlin's adoptive parents," she apologized. She had just left the Wizengamot's main chambers since Padma would be going off to Azkaban and Parvati's child would otherwise be sent off to an orphanage.

There was the clearing of a throat off in the darkness and the rhetorical question from an unknown person asking, "Since all interested parties are now present, may we begin?"

Hermione and Albert rose from their seats and approached the two circles of light spotlighted on the floor. The circles were lit from above, giving this forum an air of great solemnity. Then a staff was thumped on the floor off to their left, signaling the start of the convocation.

From the darkness strode in five robed figures, their faces concealed in the shadow of the large cowls that covered their heads. With great ceremony, they walked in a procession toward a long table that was curved with a slight arc, concaving towards the person or persons who brought the petition forward.

Once the robed figures were all seated, there was another thump of the staff. The center figure who sat amongst the five said in a voice Hermione recognized, "Let the Redoubtable Convocation of Potions Masters and Mistresses commence."

Hermione was tempted to snort at the ostentatious name of what everyone else generally called the "certification board" for the Potions discipline, which was an assemblage of five randomly-selected Potions masters and mistresses among the field, but it was an old name. Given the request to be presented, formality and procedure must be endured.

"Potions Master Albert Dobmeir," the wizard in the center began. "You bring an unusual petition before us."

Albert, dressed in his best formal dress robes, nodded. "Yes, I do, but one worthy of the petition brought before the convocation. And I would like to start by thanking the committee for agreeing to this last-minute request, but as our case shall show, this requires immediate attention."

"And what is the petition you bring before us?" the central robed figure, who was acting as chair of the proceeding, asked.

"It is my request, and that of my Potions apprentice, Madam Hermione Weasley, that she be allowed to change Potions masters in order to finish her apprenticeship," Albert said with great seriousness.

There was a murmur amongst the five robed figures before the room was quiet once more.

"This is a highly unusual request, given that a change in masters occurs in cases such as the death of the master or incapacity with which to finish instructing their apprentice," the chair noted.

"True, but there are unique circumstances which surround our petition for Madam Hermione Weasley to switch masters and require the Redoubtable Convocation to consider and hopefully grant, without penalty to Madam Hermione Weasley's good standing in the Potions field once she has been fully accredited and certified eventually by this committee," Albert pleaded before the council.

Hermione would have normally been addressed as Madam Weasley, but given Lavender was there, their full names were needed to specify which Madam Weasley was being referred to.

"Let Madam Hermione Weasley speak her reasons as to why we should consider such a proposal, and then we shall see if your petition has merit."

Hermione stood proudly with her chin tilted up. She had only been discharged from St. Mungo's that morning, and not twenty-four hours prior had been near the brink of death, but she felt strong enough to face this council in order to hasten her departure from England.

"In the span of less than two years I have been attacked by those who had intent to kill me. The first was Alan Parker, nephew to Calpurnia Fudge, who sought to block any attempt by myself to gain an apprenticeship after the war, which many on the council here are no doubt aware," Hermione added with a bit of disdain. To her satisfaction, there was a bit of grumbling from a few of the council members who were aware of such interference from the former Minister's wife. "Mr. Parker is also the godson of Dolores Umbridge, the very same former Administrator at Hogwarts during my school years who was carried off by centaurs and who blamed me solely for the incident." Hermione could not stop a small smirk of satisfaction from tugging at the corner of her lip before schooling her face once more.

"During my attack by Mr. Parker, he expressed his bigoted views regarding my lineage as a taint upon wizarding society, his sympathy towards the societal goals of Voldemort–" she said, pausing while Severus and many on the council flinched upon the mentioning of that particular wizard's name, “— regarding those of non-pure-blood status, and disgust regarding my divorce from Ronald Weasley, in addition to seeking vengeance on behalf of his godmother, Umbridge."

The chair nodded when Hermione paused to let the effect of her statements sink in for dramatic effect. "Go on," he encouraged her.

"Then Wednesday night, Padma Patil, who was once a member of Dumbledore's Army and with whom I worked alongside during the war, attacked not only me, but Potions Master Severus Snape, my employer, Madam Lavender Weasley, Draco Malfoy, and his wife, Ginny Malfoy. She had the intent of harming all of us, but especially me since I had exonerated Master Snape's and Mr. Malfoy's names in front of the Wizengamot. In my clearing their names, she felt I had denied her justice. In her mind, she blamed both Master Snape and Mr. Malfoy for the unfortunate abduction, rape, and torture of her sister, Parvati Patil back in 1997." Hermione did not mention the subsequent resulting pregnancy that ensued, as it was still too painful for her to acknowledge without breaking into tears in front of the committee.

Everyone on the council was aware of Miss Patil's pregnancy; the news of their attack and many of the details had been covered in the Daily Prophet in Friday's edition. Fortunately, Luna reported a more truthful and less sordid version in The Quibbler, which called into question some of the literary license yet again taken by the writing staff at the Daily Prophet.

"So it seems that I have had two people, one sympathetic towards the death and havoc wrought by Voldemort and his Death Eaters seeking to expunge Muggle-borns, and one whose sister and who herself suffered at the hands of Death Eaters subsequently on the other side of the war, both seeking to harm me. It seems the scars of this war linger so deep that I cannot remain in England without living in constant fear of my life that the next witch or wizard coming around the corner might intend me mortal harm. This latest attack has caused me to wish to end my apprenticeship in my desire to leave this country and seek refuge elsewhere. However, if you will allow my petition to switch masters, I can continue on with my apprenticeship with peace of mind and body, without living in fear."

There was yet another round of murmurs between the robed council members before the chair spoke. "And where would you go? If you have been attacked here, what is to prevent someone from going abroad to seek you out and intend you harm in your new place of residence?"

There was a clearing of a throat before the spotlight suddenly shone down on Mounga, who strode up to stand next to Hermione. "I can help provide her sanctuary where she will be safe, in Malu Palekaiko," he said with gravity.

"And you are?" the chair asked, a slightly amused lilt in his voice.

"Judge Mounga Finau. I am Master of Law and Letters, town judge for Malu Palekaiko, an island of the Hawaiian chain, and president of the town council of Malu Palekaiko. Malu Palekaiko is an island sanctuary for all witches and wizards, and even some Muggles married to a witch or wizard, who have come seeking safe harbor from those who have sought to cause them harm." Mounga was wearing his finest judicial robes and leis he only wore for formal occasions, after taking a quick Portkey back home and coming back to help in Hermione's case.

"And just how can your sanctuary protect her?" the chair asked. "They could just Portkey in and attack Madam Weasley."

"Trust me when I say that the sanctuary of the island will protect her," Harry said, coming to stand up in front of the council. A light eventually shone over Harry's head. Understanding the formality of the proceedings, he introduced himself, "Harry Potter, Auror, First Class."

"We're quite aware of who you are, Mr. Potter, but we need you to further expound upon your assurances to us that Madam Weasley would be safe in Malu Palekaiko," the chair prompted him.

"When my ex-wife, Ginny, divorced me, I followed her to Malu Palekaiko." Harry paused while the council chattered excitedly amongst themselves momentarily. "And while I meant her no harm, I did intend to bring her back to England with me. Upon touching her arm, I was instantly transported back to the Portkey office on Malu Palekaiko." Harry heard Draco stifle a snicker upon recalling that day, but refrained from glancing over his shoulder and glaring at his former school rival. "I was also informed of other instances of persons coming to the island with more nefarious intent and trying to harm others given sanctuary; they were suddenly transported to various places, including dangerous cliff edges above razor-sharp reefs, lagoons full of sharks, and the edge of an active volcano caldera. The more pernicious the intent, the more dangerous the place the assailant was magically transported against their will. Trust me when I say she will be perfectly safe, should she move there."

There was a hum of low murmurs and heads nodding in unison before they quieted down. The chair then asked, "If this committee does consider the proposal that Madam Hermione Weasley transfers the remaining time of her apprenticeship to another Master or Mistress, who is the person she will finish her apprenticeship under?"

Severus took Mounga's spot in front of the council, speaking up, “That would be me. Severus Snape, Potions Master."

The snickers of some of the council members was unmistakable, which only made Severus stand up straighter and glare more imperiously at the robed figures who would decide Hermione's fate. Fortunately, he was able to have his clothes washed and pressed that morning since he only came to England with one set of clothes. He was also able to visit the barber to neaten his appearance, in addition to getting a trim of his beard in order to look respectable as he presented his case to supervise the rest of Hermione's apprenticeship.

"Yes, yes," the chair said with a innuendo-laced chortle. "Given the history of you two that has been made public in recent months, and a rather torrid history at that, what assurances do we have that you will make sure Madam Weasley will finish her apprenticeship?" There had been many instances where a master had married a female apprentice, and yet in time she had never become fully accredited, such as it was with Ganfrey and Fastrada Johnson.

"For the fact that as much as I desire her to remain in Malu Palekaiko to be by my side, during her two previous visits, I have been only able to let her return to England knowing how important this apprenticeship is to her," he said, projecting a very serious air about him, but his desire for Hermione was unmistakable. "It would be selfish of me to try prevent her from completing her own desire of becoming a Potions mistress, a goal she had long before our current relationship began, an apprenticeship delayed due to reasons previously stated before this council. Should her request to transfer masters be granted, I assure you, she will become a Potions mistress within a timely manner." There was an absolute finality in his last promise to the council, the presence of the former professor who once was Head of Slytherin House gleaming through in his voice and demeanor.

The droning sound that rippled between council members made it seem as if they were not entirely convinced of this petition.

Lavender cleared her throat as she approached the council, taking Harry's spot in the light. She presented herself, looking impeccable in her finest lavender dress robes, her hair beautifully coiffed, and her make-up understated but perfect. "If I may address the committee?" she requested.

"You may. And you are?"

"Madam Lavender Weasley, founder and president of The Lovely Lavender Company and employer to both Albert Dobmeir, my Potions master, and Madam Hermione Weasley, his apprentice and my Vice President of Operations."

"And what is your interest regarding Madame Hermione Weasley's request to not only change masters, but to move to the other side of the world with..." The chair paused and Hermione could almost hear him finish his sentence referring to Severus as "her lover" in a slightly derogatory manner, but was surprised when he finished by asking, "... the intent of finishing her apprenticeship there?"

"As some in this committee may have read, I have appointed Draco Malfoy, also a resident of Malu Palekaiko, as my Vice President of Advertising and Marketing for the Asia Pacific region," Lavender began, her manners and tone very formal at first. "It is my intent, once Madam Hermione Weasley is finished with her apprenticeship, that she should move to Malu Palekaiko and open an Asia Pacific manufacturing, distribution, and sales center for my company that is expanding into eastern Asia, Australia, and the Americas. Hermione has proven herself capable of running operations of such a size, having run my company while I was away on maternity leave last year, and becoming fully versed in every aspect of the company. She has, in a Potions-focused business, developed relationships with suppliers, negotiated deals with distributors, and overseen manufacturing and quality control, in addition to attending to company finances, earning her title of Vice President through skill, brilliance, determination, and a commendable work ethic. Not to mention using her experience in developing new products for me towards her apprenticeship, working alongside her master, Albert Dobmeir, in a Potions research and development capacity.

"In addition, I might add," Lavender said, her voice becoming more authoritative and a bit short that it seemed this committee was too dim to realize that Hermione was not a slouch and should instantly be granted her request without these endless pointless questions, "she has completed her year of Herbology experience in the field, tended to Albert's garden weekly in addition to working on her Potions theory, learned her code of ethics and passed the exam with flying colors, successfully developed a new Potion on her own to deal with Portkey Time Zone lag, mastered three languages, is working on her fourth, and yet we watch you sit there and drag these proceedings on as if changing masters so she can remain safe is some great scandal amongst you lot!" To finish her tirade, Lavender gave a great huff and then insolently sniffed at the chair leading the proceedings.

"Your commendation of Madam Hermione Weasley is admirable and noted for the record, Madam Lavender Weasley, but changing masters under such circumstances is something of great importance and rarely undertaken," the chair gently reproved her, his voice patient, but held a hint of warning. "While you feel this is a cut-and-dry matter, this is an issue that will affect her good standing in the Potions community and amongst her peers, and must be thoroughly explored before a judgment can be rendered."

Lavender turned to see Draco standing behind her and removed herself from the spotlight in order to let him take a crack at the committee and put forth his own rhetorical spin.

"And you are?" the chair asked, knowing who he was, but needed it stated for the record.

"Draco Malfoy, Vice President of Advertising and Marketing for The Lovely Lavender Company for the Asia Pacific region. If I may address the committee?" he asked with a detached air about him that reminded Severus of his father, Lucius.

"Yes, Mr. Malfoy?"

"In addition to the arguments regarding Madam Hermione's Weasley's personal safety, and her character which speaks of her determination to finish her apprenticeship, though under the tutelage of another master, there is another reason for her to transfer her apprenticeship to Potions Master Snape while on Malu Palekaiko sooner as opposed to later," Draco began.

"And that is?" the chair prompted him in hopes he would further elucidate the conclave on the matter.

"Economic and academic. Last year, Madam Lavender Weasley purchased two large plots of land in Malu Palekaiko in order to build her new Asia Pacific facilities, but also to help build a school, since there is no formal academic school of magic in the Hawaiian Islands. Potions Master Snape has been tutoring many of the children residing in Malu Palekaiko, and until recently, I was a tutor in Charms and Transfiguration. And Master Snape and I can both attest to the fact that the lack of a formal educational institution on the island is a detriment to the children's academic careers, given some of the abysmal gaps of knowledge by some," Draco added quite mutinously.

"That's all well and fine that you care for the academic standards of the local population, but how does this pertain to Madam Hermione Weasley," the chair urged him to get to his point.

"A formal academic institution for the benefit of the local island population has only come about with the promise of The Lovely Lavender Company opening several hundred jobs for the local population to fill. With better paying jobs than working rice and taro fields or orchid farms, they can afford to send their children to the new local school for which Madam Lavender Weasley had graciously donated the land for the benefit of the public, with additional monies provided by her, my wife and I, and Master Snape towards the building of facilities for education.

"Currently most children are home-schooled, with few traveling abroad or to the mainland of the United States to attend school. With jobs available for the local population, witches who currently spend half their day at home homeschooling children can now work full-time while their children are educated to a standard level that can provide opportunities beyond growing up to be farmers themselves with little economic opportunities to advance themselves if they do not score high enough on their standardized exams with which to earn an apprenticeship."

"Sounds very noble, Mr. Malfoy, that you have become quite the advocate of the working class to better themselves, something your father would have found distasteful, I'm sure. But please get to the point. As rambling as these proceedings may seem to you, they are not an invitation for you to ramble on without purpose," the chair reminded him.

"My point is, the sooner Madam Hermione Weasley takes up residence in Malu Palekaiko, the sooner operations can begin, the sooner parents can work and the sooner they can earn money with which to pay for a formal education for their children. Next week, after much delay by local building code regulators," Draco grumbled under through gritted teeth, "construction of the manufacturing facility begins. Should we have to wait until Madam Hermione Weasley finishes her entire apprenticeship here in England, the building will sit unused for months, possibly a year, and children will continue to be home-schooled in an uneven and sloppy fashion to their academic detriment. Considering she has finished most of her course work, except for Japanese, for which she gets language lessons long-distance through a mirror from a native-speaking Japanese tutor who resides in Malu Palekaiko, and Chinese, which Master Snape is more fluent in than Master Dobmeir, according to both of them, it would better serve Madam Hermione Weasley to finish out the rest of her apprenticeship abroad to the benefit of everyone, including her safety and health."

"A very persuasive argument indeed, Mr. Malfoy." The chair leaned over to confer with his fellow committee members before sitting upright once more. "Before we grant a decision, there are a few other questions we would like to have answered to our satisfaction."

'Oh, shut it, Niles, and just render a decision already. I know you made up your minds. What are you up to, you tosser?’ Hermione pondered, keeping her silent thoughts to herself.

Taking a different tangent, the chair casually mentioned in an airy tone as he addressed Severus, "It has come to the attention of many on the committee, that in addition to the name of Severus Snape, you worked under the alias of Sebastian Delgado, so that you could continue secretly working as a Potions master while unjustly incarcerated under the Death Eater's Decree, which Madam Hermione Weasley had finally exonerated you of being prosecuted under after your... departure from England under less than auspicious circumstances, to eventually reside in Malu Palekaiko."

"That is correct," Severus replied, wondering where this little exercise was going to go.

"And based on recent articles that have been published since the New Year, your current association with Madam Hermione Weasley began the summer of 2003."

"That is also correct," Severus affirmed, dreading where this was going to go, sensing it was not going to be particularly pleasant for him or Hermione.

"Madam Hermione Weasley has previously stated, and even you, while under disguise as Delgado at the Ministry Halloween Masked Ball, that she came up with the idea of the brewers kettles for solving a problem of simmering ingredients in order to make the brewing of the male sexual enhancement potion, Sequoia, produced by The Lovely Lavender Company, cost-effective?" the chair queried.

Trying not to sneer, based on the growing insinuating tones in the voice of the chair, Severus answered, "That is also correct."

"And did she in fact help with the development of the other potion, the libido-enhancing potion also produced by The Lovely Lavender Company, under the name Irresistible?"

Severus nodded reluctantly.

"So what you are admitting to is that before Madam Hermione Weasley began her apprenticeship with Master Dobmeir, she was consulting with you regarding Potions work?"

"Yes," Severus admitted through gritted teeth. He could sense this was when they were going to lower the boom, and he was proven correct.

"Tell us in... great detail all the Potions experimentation work you and Madam Hermione Weasley conducted in private before her formal apprenticeship with Master Dobmeir began."

She could almost hear the leer in his request. Hermione felt her ears and cheeks burning hot with embarrassment that Niles would do something as vulgar as this for his and the committee's amusement, humiliating Severus and her during formal proceedings.

"I assure you, sir, whatever lewd and inappropriate conduct you are insinuating that may or may not have happened between Madam Hermione Weasley and me, anything regarding those two potions you have listed, any help she may have participated in regarding the testing of said products occurred after we had realized our affections for one another. I, at no point, took advantage of the situation or my position as a Potions master. As for your request for details, I refuse to divulge them for your prurient amusement," he said with a snarl, his umbrage clearly apparent.

"Prove to this committee that this is not some lust-driven ruse in which to whisk this young witch away to your... jungle love lair," he said wittingly, hearkening back to the Daily Prophet article. "What assurance do we have that this relationship you have is not merely a love potion gone awry?"

"What proof can I provide, besides testimony at Padma Parvati's trial this morning that I was willing to let myself be killed in order to save Madam Hermione Weasley?" Severus asked rhetorically.

"Kiss her," the chair stated simply.

"What?" Hermione challenged, a glint in her eye that she was tired of this nonsense and sensed Niles and the others on the committee were up to something for their own twisted sport.

To make her and Severus kiss in front of them, knowing how Severus felt regarding public displays of affections, and given his notorious history for breaking up more canoodling students at Hogwarts than Mrs. Norris, Filch, and Peeves combined, she felt this was merely their way of trying to embarrass him and her with this spectacle.

"No!" Hermione protested. "Given everything Severus and I have gone through, you want us to kiss in gratification of what? These proceedings have gone on long enough. If you're not convinced of everything presented to you by now, then nothing will." It was strange for Hermione to refuse, given she freely kissed Severus at Mario's on Christmas Eve with so many diners watching, but she sensed this was something to satisfy their prurient inquisitiveness, for their own titillation.

Hermione was stilled from her rant by Severus grasping her hand.

Turning her to face him, he cupped her face in his hands as he gazed down at her. With earnest sincerity, he said, "If I was asked to prove my love for you by being whipped naked down the middle of Diagon Alley while incarcerated in a Shrew's Fiddle, I would do so without hesitation if it would satisfy their puerile curiosity and in the end keep you safe from ever being hurt again."

Hermione could only look up at Severus in wonderment, her eyes filling with tears upon his declaration to the lengths he would go for her.

Severus leaned forward and kissed Hermione gently. She responded in kind by wending her arms around his neck and kissing him back.

Neither noticed nor cared about the room of spectators who watched them in this brief moment of sincere and intense moment of love shared between them.

After their lips parted, Hermione heard Niles laugh. Turning her face towards the chair, she glared at him.

"I told you I could get Severus to kiss her. Pay up, Braxton! Fifty Galleons," crowed Niles triumphantly as he threw back his hood, nudging the wizard to his right with an elbow.

"You bastards!" Hermione fulminated, aggrieved that this all was for show as she had correctly assumed. Incensed, her mind raced through the worst insults she could gather without dragging insults up from the gutter using language only Ron would use. "Both of you! You sophomoric, fiendishly callous malperts!"

"C'mon, of course we're going to let you run off with lover boy, here. We were ready to just give you an automatic ruling without even bothering to hold this meeting, but Royston here, it was his idea to put the screws to you both," Niles admitted, pointing to the last conclave member to the right who was waving cheerily.

Royston threw his own hood back and said, "That was precious. And worth the thirteen years in the making, considering the ration of shit Severus gave me when I was standing before the committee seeking to become fully certified and the hoops he made me jump through."

"Impudent little shit," Severus growled. To his displeasure, he heard Mounga laugh in the background.

"That's exactly what you called me when I sought to challenge some of the things you made me say and do in front of the conclave before you would relent to my certification as Master. Payback is a bitch, Severus, and I loved dishing this back to you in spades," Royston admitted with glee. "And I had to pay you back for the few hexes you laid on me, Hermione." Seeing how Royston was getting onerous glares from Hermione and Severus, he added, "You have to admit, it was kind of funny. I bet Niles I could get Severus to dish on some of the down and dirties we guessed you two got up to with those potions, but it seems Severus is just as noble as ever. Nice save from spilling details, Severus."

Albert gently grasped Hermione's wand hand, knowing she was going to hex Royston to hell and back if given half a chance. "Remember, revenge is a dish best served cold and often," her master muttered quietly under his breath so that only she and Severus heard.

The rest of the committee threw their hoods back, revealing the two others in this drawn-out farce to be John Leyster, and a master about Albert's age by the name of Garrick McAngus she had seen at a few of the booze-ups. He was an affable fellow with a penchant for dirty limericks when properly sauced.

John and Garrick both had the decency to look chagrined that proceedings got out of hand as they cast disappointed looks towards Niles, Braxton, and Royston. John cast Hermione a contrite look, while Garrick hung his head, embarrassed his fellow Potions masters used the solemn and serious event to pull a prank and fulfill a few bets.

To formally end proceedings, Niles pronounced in a rushed manner indicating his boredom, "Let the record stand that Madam Hermione Weasley, Potions apprentice, la-dee, la-doo, la-da, may formally transfer the rest of her apprenticeship under the tutelage of Severus Snape, Potions Master, until she finishes and returns to England to face the committee once more in order to become a fully accredited Potions mistress. And Bob's your uncle."

Despite all the formality through most of it, it was a rather indecorous end to the hearing.

Hermione threw herself into Severus' arms and they hugged each other fiercely, finally able to be together without impediment.

Albert congratulated the couple before the rest of the attendees to the hearing could rush up and congratulate them as well.

As things settled down, Niles announced to the whole group, "Well, since the Malfoy party is tomorrow night, how about a proper booze-up at my house tonight in celebration of the good news?"

Severus was about to refuse, but before he could give his scathing response to the wizard who led the painful proceedings, Hermione spoke up, "I guess we can put your prank aside and not let it ruin what should be a happy occasion. Severus and I would love to come over."

Normally Severus would have protested, but knowing Hermione, he was familiar with that particular lilt in her voice and knew to go along with her plans. Offering his hand out to Niles, he coolly said, "I guess there was no permanent harm done, as juvenile as your bets were."

"See?" Niles said, looking over his shoulder at his fellow Potions masters, "I told you Severus couldn't always keep that stick up his arse. Having a girlfriend and getting periodically laid seems to agree with him."

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A/N: Thank you to my wonderful betas, JuneW and thegreyladies.

A Shrew's Fiddle is like a portable pillory. Your head and wrists are locked up in a wooden device in which you can be marched through town. Sometimes it has been called a Shrew's Fife, if the wooden carving resembled a flute with locking the wrists around the outside of the wood shaft instead of locking in the middle, or neck violin.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shrew%27s_fiddle

Shew's Fife examples can be seen here: http://www.medievalwarfare.info/torture.htm
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And They Didn\'t Live Happily Ever After