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Proof of Life	By : emilywaters Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 65994 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 5
Disclaimer: I do not own anything Harry Potter related. It all belongs to JK Rowling, Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Inc., Warner Bros., and any other entities involved. I make no money from writing fanfiction.

Chapter List
- 11
- 12
- 13
Disorientation

The next day was absolutely hellish, as far as Harry was concerned, as he found out that Severus was unable to eat. To be more precise, he ate obediently anything and everything that Harry offered, only to proceed to throw up several minutes later, no matter how bland or nutritious it was. Even the porridge that had worked the first morning was not staying down this time for some odd reason.

Met with Snape's horrified gaze, Harry only told him, over and over again, that it was not his fault. He suspected that his reassurances did not hold much weight but he offered them anyway.

Finally, in late afternoon, after several unsuccessful attempts at feeding Severus, Harry firecalled Marietta for help.

�Don't worry about it for now,� she mumbled sleepily. �Try just fluids at first. Stick to the meal supplement drinks and nutritional potions for a few days, then try soups. Probably too early for solid food � you realize, he hadn't eaten properly in a while...�

�Fuck,� Harry muttered under his breath. �Look � if not St. Mungo's, maybe I should take him to a Muggle hospital or something...�

�Wouldn't recommend it,� she said dryly. �The moment he wakes up raving about Death Eaters, Voldemort, hexes and curses, they'll pump him full of antipsychotics. Don't think it'll be good for him.�

Put that way, Harry had to admit she had a point.

�Ok. Thanks, Marietta. Sorry to wake you.�

�It's fine, Potter. Anytime.�

~ * ~

Severus drank the meal replacement and the supplement potion obediently, and handed the emptied can and the vial back to Harry.

�Feel all right so far?� Harry asked.

�Yes,� Severus confirmed.

�Well, that's very good.� Harry rubbed his eyes and yawned. It was only three in the afternoon, but he was absolutely drained. Even when Lily had been teething, he hadn't felt so tired. Thinking of Lily made his insides clench into a tight knot, but he pushed the thoughts aside for the time being. His face must have been absolutely transparent, because Severus obviously noticed the change in Harry's expression, and looked down again.

�Don't worry,� Harry said softly. �I promise, it'll all work out eventually.�

When evening came, they walked to the bedroom together, Harry carrying the box with purchases Hermione and Ron had dropped off earlier. Harry opened the box, and set it on the floor in front of Severus, inviting him to take a look inside. For a few minutes, Severus simply stared at the items, without making a move to reach for them.

�These are for you,� Harry said, eager to remove any doubt. �Hermione and Ron picked them out. They thought you'd like them.�

Severus nodded mutely, without touching anything.

�Well.. why don't you shower, and get ready for bed. I'll wait for you.� Harry placed a dressing gown on top of the grey nightshirt in Severus' arms. �Go on,� Harry said, nodding towards the shower door.

~* ~

When the first trickle of water in the shower hit his face, he remembered...

The freezing autumn rain was pouring down from the sky, running down his naked, battered body.

He had done something wrong again, but for the life of him, he did not know what it was this time. He should probably give up on trying to figure those things out, he thought. There was no winning, no getting it right. Not here.

�He really is pathetic,� one voice said. �You know whose name he was calling out?�

�Dumbledore's?� the other captor guessed.

�No. Potter's. He was screaming for Potter.�

�That's very amusing.�

His captor's hand grabbed his hair and twisted it, pulling his head back. �Do you really think that one of these days, Potter is going to swoop in and rescue you?�

Severus stared ahead vacantly and gave no answer. Put that way, he had to admit, it did sound preposterous, but he couldn't help what he dreamed about.

�Potter is the Head of the Auror Office, you know,� the captor's voice said. �If he had wanted to track you down, he would have done so by now.�

There was a sound of retreating footsteps, and he was left outside in the rain.

An old memory resurfaced: Harry's eyes, holding his gaze without looking away.

Harry looked at him. Harry understood. Harry promised he'd be back.

How long had it been? Five years, maybe six. He no longer knew, as months and seasons had begun to blend together. How could a simple memory be so vivid, so real, after all this time? Maybe it wasn't a memory, Severus thought. Maybe Harry was here, standing right next to him?

Gathering up the remnants of his strength, he lifted his hand and reached.

His hand swatted at the empty space before him. He was alone.

The cold torrent of the autumn rain continued to pour down on him. His cheek pressed to the cold slippery ground, Severus shut his eyes.

~ * ~

When Severus departed to shower, Harry sat on the bed, hugging his knees, trying not to wallow in despair at how badly everything was going today. Not that Harry expected this to be easy, but Severus' listless, blank reaction to almost everything that should have been pleasant wasn't something Harry had been prepared for.

He jumped off the bed and circled the room several times aimlessly. Thank God for Marietta, Harry thought, and smiled slightly in spite of himself. He knew of course that he could count on Ron and Hermione to help, but neither of the two had the medical expertise needed for something like this.

Suicide attempt on the first night back, unable to eat, blank affect ... Harry stopped by the shower door and listened to the sound of running water.

Harry consulted the clock on the wall. Seven minutes. It'd been seven minutes.-

Having removed all the sharp and breakable objects from the bathroom, Harry wasn't worried about another suicide attempt, but being uncertain about the man's mental health, he still felt he should check in with Severus, just in case.

Harry knocked on the bathroom door hesitantly. �Severus? How are you doing there?�

No answer was given. Harry hesitated for a brief moment. �Hello?� he called, a bit louder. �Severus!�
No sound came other than that of running water.

�I'm going to come in and check on you, all right?� Harry warned, pushing the door slightly open. He stepped over a pile of Snape's clothes on the floor, and made his way to the shower stall. In there, Severus was not showering. He was crouched on the floor motionless, curled into himself. Harry shivered in the chill air and stuck his hand under the water. It was ice cold.

Harry turned the water off and placed his hand on Severus' shoulder, giving him a tiny shake.

�Hey,� Harry whispered, sitting down on the shower floor next to him. Harry's eyes rested on the man's scarred back. Tiny beads of water were congregated around the wide pink lines crisscrossing the pale skin. Harry swallowed hard, feeling dizzy and nauseous. He had seen worse damage to the human body in his line of work, but never before had something like this become so personal, so intertwined with his own life.

Severus stirred slightly, turning his face to the sound of Harry's voice. �Harry?�

�Right here,� Harry said tightly. �It's ok.�

Severus made what appeared to be an inhuman effort and pulled himself to sit up on the floor. Small shivers were running throughout his body.

�Accio dressing gown,� Harry said quietly.

The soft, thick garment flew into Harry's hand, and he threw it over Severus' shoulders, helping him slide his arms into the sleeves. Severus appeared to be moving automatically, complying with Harry's prompting. When Harry held him up gently, Severus sunk into his embrace, going limp in his arms.

~ * ~

It felt safe to kneel. He was aware of that, but of little else.

Severus was barely cognizant of being dressed and guided downstairs to the familiar couch by the hearth. Harry left him alone, but only to return a few minutes later, with a few vials that Severus drained quickly, not really caring what they were. They appeared to be healing potions of some sort, Severus realized with a start once Harry took the emptied vials away and pleasant warmth began to spread throughout Severus' body.

He let out a soft breath. His Master was healing him for something this minor, and something that was his own fault. That was ... unexpected.

His head was bowed, but he watched warily as Harry sat on the couch near him.

�Hey,� Harry said very quietly.

Still kneeling, he moved towards the sound of Harry's voice and buried his face in Harry's knees.

Harry's hand rose and rested on his head. The calloused, rough fingers caressed his scalp, parting the short hair with absentminded gentleness.

�Can you tell me what happened?� Harry asked softly.

He should have been unnerved by the question, but Harry's hand was doing some sort of magic with his nervous system, and Severus said without a trace of defensiveness, �I forgot where I was.�

�I'm sorry,� Harry said quietly. �I'm sorry if I embarrassed you when I barged in on you,� Harry added.

Embarrassment? That used to be an old habit of his, he remembered that much, even if he no longer remembered what that felt like. Old habits died hard, but they did die eventually.

�I haven't felt embarrassed in a long time,� Severus said truthfully.

For a moment, he thought he might have said something wrong, because Harry's hand froze for an instant. But then, it resumed its caresses again, and Severus' alarm began to dissipate.

Somehow, against all previous experience, the touch of that careful hand began to convince him that it was safe here, at least for the moment.

�Will you punish me now?� he asked. His anxiety had receded, and he was probing around the boundaries of his new place, trying to understand what was expected of him.

�No,� Harry said. �I won't hurt you.�

Severus took a few minutes to absorb Harry's words. Harry said them with such conviction that Severus almost believed him.

�Do you want to use me now?� he inquired cautiously.

Harry seemed speechless for a few moments, and Severus could feel Harry's stunned gaze on him, as if it were a physical presence.

�No,� Harry said again. �Look, even if you don't believe anything else right now... please try to believe this. I will never force myself on you.�

Harry sounded upset when he said that, as if the thought of doing violence to assert his right was genuinely distressing to him.

�You wouldn't need to force me,� Severus voiced softly, leaning into Harry's touch.

There was a strange quality to the silence that hung between them, and Severus suspected he'd said something to cause it. He lifted his head and looked at Harry. Harry's eyes were tightly shut behind the round glasses, as if he was struggling with a flood of emotions. However, whatever thoughts and feelings Harry was sorting through, his hand never left Severus' head.

Eventually, the warmth emanating from the hearth began to claim him, and Severus started nodding off. He thought he felt Harry's arms lift him up and place him on the couch, guiding him to rest his head in Harry's lap.

Half-convinced that it was some sort of surreal dream, Severus stretched out blissfully. The lights in the room were dimmed. Harry's bony thigh was the softest pillow one could imagine. And it was so warm.

Severus could not remember the last time he had felt this warm.

~ * ~

The following morning, Harry found himself swimming in euphoria. His disoriented mind latched onto the blissful physical sensations and held on to them, trying to match them up to whatever was closest to this in his frame of reference. It took a few moments for him to realize that he was waking up being pleasured orally.

His first not-quite-awake thought was that somehow in the last twelve hours Ginny must have returned. Clearly, they made up, fell asleep together, and she decided to wake him up... like that. Except... he did not remember Ginny coming back. Harry remembered Severus having an episode in the shower, he remembered dressing Severus and leading him out of the shower, and... he fell asleep on the couch with Severus next to him, but....

More than slightly disturbed, Harry finally dared to open his eyes.

He was half-sitting up on the couch, leaning on his elbows. His trousers were open, and Severus was kneeling in front of him, his mouth performing wonders on his erect member...

�Stop!� Harry demanded indignantly, as soon as his brain caught up with his physiological response and reasserted himself.

The glorious ministrations ceased instantly. Still kneeling, Severus looked slightly taken aback and confused.

Harry bolted to stand up abruptly, making himself as decent as he could.

�Wait here! Don't do anything!� Harry snapped, and fled upstairs without saying another word. He rushed into the shower and turned the water on, and stepped inside, still fully dressed and not really caring. He was desperately trying to compose himself and take his mind off what just happened.... what just nearly happened, he corrected himself...

Harry shut his eyes and shuddered. Even in his frenzied state, he knew this wasn't a good thing.

But he also knew he would simply go insane if he didn't come now.

He stroked himself, trying to think about someone else - one of his former lovers, but Harry's frazzled brain was refusing to cooperate with his conscience. The picture of someone else became fuzzy, and morphed into kneeling Snape, a vision that Harry's treacherous mind was now threatening to adopt as one of the more erotic images in his experience. Harry came in a shattering orgasm that made his knees go weak.

Harry slid to the floor and issued a mortified groan. He remained sitting for a long time, allowing the water to cleanse him and soothe him, before he finally braved his way out of the shower. He cast a drying spell on himself and muttered an obscenity under his breath.

When Harry re-entered the living room a few minutes later, Severus was sitting on the floor by the hearth, appearing to be drowning in the enormous dressing gown he'd been wearing since last night.

�Hi,� Harry said quietly, feeling his cheeks flame as he spoke. �Listen, about that...�

Severus avoided looking at him altogether. �Forgive me, I hoped you would find it... pleasurable.�

�It was pleasurable,� Harry admitted reluctantly, �but that's not the point. This isn't something ... that ... I mean... well, you know!� Harry snapped, exasperated. He found talking about sex difficult enough even under normal circumstances, but discussing sex with a kneeling Snape was ... just not something he had ever thought he'd have to do. �I know you are disoriented, but... look - that is something people do when they find each other attractive.�

�Of course,� Severus murmured, still clearly distressed. �I ... must apologize again. In the past seven years my owners were far less sophisticated. My lack of physical attraction was never a factor.�

�That's not what I meant either!� Harry protested indignantly, horrified that Severus was now clearly thinking he wasn't good enough...

Absolutely not knowing what else to do, Harry reached for Severus, and leaned forth to kiss him. Their mouths connected, and appearing to be more than slightly stunned, Severus parted his lips to admit him. The kiss was uncertain and tentative, and there was the predictable roughness of morning breath, but none of that even mattered, as Harry found himself absolutely taken aback by how welcome, how accepted he felt in that kiss.

For a few brief moments, Harry gloried in that gentle acceptance, until his common sense kicked in and reminded him that the man in front of him probably didn't even like him, but was simply trained to grant access to his body to anyone who might want it � and that was all.

Harry pulled away as fast as he could and said softly, �You aren't unattractive. But you are confused. And I'm married. So.... no more. I mean it. All right?�

�All right,� Severus agreed peacefully.

�Fine,� Harry said, still feeling dreadfully uncomfortable. They made it to the kitchen a few minutes later. Harry produced the nutritional supplements that they both drank together. Severus proceeded to follow Harry's instructions, and made tea.

For a few moments while Severus was hovering over the stove, Harry watched his uncertain, tentative movements, and realized that he was looking at a complete stranger. This wasn't the Severus Snape that he used to know � this was... someone else. Someone who behaved as if he no longer remembered anything other than slavery, and being owned.

�Severus?� Harry said cautiously.

�Yes, Harry?�

Harry paused a little before formulating the next question.

�How much do you remember of your life - before you were captured? Do you remember the school, the war?�

Severus turned around and stared at him without blinking, appearing to be stunned by the question.

�I remember,� Severus whispered numbly.

�How much do you remember?� Harry pressed.

�I remember everything.� Something like anger flashed in the dark sunken eyes, but the brief intense glare died as quickly as it appeared. When Severus spoke again, his voice was resigned and uncertain. �I remember everything, Harry,� he said mildly. �I simply no longer know what to make of those memories.�

To Be Continued...

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Proof of Life