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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24087 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

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Lost and Damned

One Day I Will Get Revenge

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Potter was stretched out comfortably on his couch again. Severus supposed he should have said or done something to discourage his behavior…It would be the very Snape-thing to do, wouldn’t it? It was what was expected of him. Still, Severus was only surprised by the new development and found he didn’t care all that much…In fact, he felt sort of pleased that Harry was so comfortable around him. Potter, he mentally corrected himself.

They just got through yet another lesson. Severus spent most of the time testing Potter‘s ability to resist the Imperius Curse, an impressive feat, Severus would admit. He tried to more properly explain to Potter that Occlumency was similar to resisting the Imperius Curse. Potter made some improvement. He was still nothing to brag about, but it was at least better than it had been. Severus was tempted to teach the boy how to get around the affects of Veritaserum, but Potter looked exhausted and Severus figured he would be useless trying to do anything else for the night. The moment Severus put his furniture back into place, Potter plopped down on his couch and had been lounging there for the past few minutes. Severus wondered if Potter was sleeping…Severus couldn‘t see his face and he wasn‘t about to get up to check or anything.

Instead, Severus sat in his own chair and contemplated the Dark Lord’s request and Albus’s encouragement over the matter. It wasn’t the first time the Dark Lord and Dumbledore seemed to be in agreement over something, and even stranger that they were all about Potter.

Albus‘s idea had some merit. Making up an entirely different background…The Dark Lord might very well be fine with it, since it wouldn‘t interfere with his plans…But he wouldn‘t put it past the Dark Lord to use that against him for a reason to “punish“ him. Plus, Severus wasn‘t sure what he could “make up“ that would be just as humiliating and painful as his own past, and didn‘t think even a fake history would soothe him. Potter would still feel sorry for him and think of him as weak and pathetic and Severus did not want that at all. He would have to do something, though…and since Albus was under the impression that he and Potter needed to be friends, lying to the boy wasn‘t going to help matters. Unless he told Potter beforehand that they were lies before playing out a scene to show the Dark Lord…Then again, Severus had little faith in the boy‘s acting abilities…The boy had no control whatsoever.

Where would he even start? How could he even make himself confess such horrors to Potter? Potter would never want to believe what a horrible bully his father was and maybe even wouldn‘t want to believe how close Lily and Severus once were. Severus wasn‘t too keen on recounting tales of his childhood with his volatile parents. He had been the pathetic boy, the sorry tale of the bullied and abused. Severus winced at the description and sighed heavily. He didn‘t even want to think about telling Potter and could hardly even imagine trying to start that conversation. It wasn‘t something one just brought up. Least of all, Severus Snape.

“Ron and Hermione haven’t brought up me teaching anymore…But I’ve been thinking about it,” Potter said, rolling over and peeking over the arm of the couch to look at Severus. “I didn’t want to do it at first…Don’t know why I was so against it. I’ve been…like…Planning out lessons in my head and everything,” Potter laughed. “Don’t know when I’ll tell them…I’m still not sure about it, but…I don’t know, I think I will do it. I still get to train and learn and know more, but not everyone can defend themselves and--”

“I‘m sure the very least you can do is teach them a few good hexes to use against Umbridge, if that woman becomes too awful,” Severus suggested, snickering.

Potter laughed. “First you’re worried about Umbridge finding out, now you’re encouraging me to teach everyone to attack her?”

Severus smirked and shrugged casually. “I have simply come to accept that I cannot possibly dissuade anyone so obstinate. The very least I can do is encourage behavior that would be in my (and everyone else’s) best interests.”

“Good plan,” Potter said with a grin. “I spend most of my Defense classes imagining different things we could do to her. It’s sort of mean, but I figure she’s earned it.”

Severus snorted. “Of course, Potter. Wouldn‘t want to spend your class time actually learning.”

Potter flushed and offered a half hearted glare. “It‘s not like she‘s teaching us anything useful. Anyway, aren‘t you the one telling me I should be hexing her and teaching everyone else how to hex her?”

There was silence for a moment and Severus slowly smirked. “At least this tells me why your performance in Potions had always been lacking.”

Potter laughed, but it sounded more nervous now. Severus shifted uncomfortably where he sat. They both knew that Potter’s recent failures in the class had more to do with how much attention he had been paying Severus…While he had gotten worse, however, he had always done badly in Potions. “I never thought about hexing you too much,” Potter said with a cheeky grin. “Let‘s just say I‘ve daydreamed about hexing Umbridge more in these past couple of months than I‘ve daydreamed hexing you in the past few years,” Potter said, laughing. “I only really did badly in your class because you were…well, are…such an arse.”

“I resent that comment, Mr. Potter.”

“Don’t you mean resemble?”

“Ha ha, very clever, Potter.”

“Good to hear you finally admit it.”

“I am sure it is a remarkable moment for you…This is the first time you have ever had anyone compliment your intelligence.”

“And coming from you, too. I must be a genius,” Potter said teasingly.

Severus snorted and shook his head. “I must remind myself not to say any kind words about you, Potter…Even sarcastically.”

Potter laughed and carried on with things and Severus pushed all thoughts of “opening up” to Potter aside. Now wasn’t the right time, he told himself. It would at least give him time to figure something out…He needed a good opening, something better than just bringing it up…If he even said anything at all. Severus relaxed somewhat, now that he didn‘t have any expectations of bearing his soul to this boy tonight. For once, he didn‘t feel weird at all about enjoying the brat‘s presence.

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Everything ran smoothly for a while. Harry eventually agreed to Hermione‘s idea of teaching Defense to students. They met in Hogsmeade at the Hog‘s Head…A bigger turn out than Harry expected, though he was pleased in the end. Ginny had pointed out how Cho had been ogling him and Harry and Hermione only laughed and exchanged glances that left Ron irritated for the remainder of the day. The group started meeting after Dobby found them a place to practice. They came up with the name Dumbledore‘s Army and Harry was feeling great…He was helping his fellow students and he had his own feeling of pleasure at doing something behind Umbridge‘s back. Then there were all those nights spent with Snape, practicing Defense and Occlumency and those few disappointing days when Shackelbolt or Lupin or Tonks would come to help him out. Harry much preferred his time spent with Snape and was glad to see that they were getting along a lot better these days. They‘d tease each other or sometimes just sit in comfortable silence, but it was nice and Harry found himself looking forward to those moments more and more.

The only thing Harry looked forward to as much as his time with Snape was Quidditch. Harry woke up absolutely excited the morning of the game, chuckling as he recalled bits and pieces of the conversation with Snape the previous night, playful arguments about the upcoming Gryffindor vs. Slytherin game. He was just as hyped up as the rest of the time, talking excitedly in the Great Hall, and ignoring the snide remarks of the Slytherins whenever any of them passed. Nothing any of them said got to Harry…The only thing that diminished his good mood was his best friend walking to the table like he was walking to his death. He was pale and his blue eyes were wide and looked as though he had hardly gotten any sleep.

“I must have been mental to do this,” Ron muttered under his breath, plopping down beside Harry. “Mental.”

“Don‘t be thick. You‘re going to be fine. It‘s normal to be nervous,” Harry assured him, feeling a bit uneasy. Ron wasn‘t an awful Quidditch player, but he hadn‘t exactly given the team much of a reason to have faith in him. Ron not having faith in himself was not going to do very well. Harry could only hope his words would have some positive affect on Ron, but somehow he doubted Ron was going to listen to anyone.

“I’m rubbish! I’m lousy! I can’t play to save my life! What was I thinking?”

Hermione and Ginny approached shortly after and the three spent the time they could encouraging Ron and assuring him that he could play just fine and that Gryffindor would win. Ron wasn’t having it, though, continuously muttering under his breath about how awful he was. It didn’t help that the Slytherins would only agree with everything he said and shoved it in his face every time one of them was near enough. Arguing with Ron was becoming irritating and quite the hassle, but Harry hadn’t given up on trying to lift his best friend’s spirits. After breakfast they headed out to change and got ready for the game. Angelina gave them a pre-game talk and Ron looked ready to be sick. The other players would send him anxious looks now and then, which Harry didn’t think was going to help much…But Harry honestly wasn’t even sure Ron had noticed anything but his own nerves.

Harry tried to focus more on his earlier excitement rather than his new anxiousness over Ron. He could hear the Slytherin‘s singing in the stands and didn‘t think anything about them was doing any good today. Harry kept glancing to Ron as they walked out onto the field and noticed Ron mouthing words, though Harry couldn‘t quite make any of them out. He mounted his broom and waited, watching as Angelina went forward to shake hands with the new Slytherin captain, Montague. Unable to help himself, Harry let his bright green eyes dart up to the Slytherin stands, smiling softly to himself when he saw Snape, though the man‘s eyes were focused on his own team. Harry shook his head when he heard Madam Hooch‘s whistle and took off into the sky. He spent a few minutes flying around, going between seeing how Ron was doing and seeing if Snape would look at him, and was hardly paying attention at all to finding the Snitch. Even Lee Jordan‘s commentary and the singing of the Slytherins hardly got through to him.

At least until the singing grew louder and it was hard for anyone to not understand it. Loud choruses of a song called “Weasley is Our King“ rang out through the stands and Harry cringed, watching Ron‘s bad performance steadily decline, his entire face as red as his hair. Harry frowned and shot glares at the Slytherin fans, unable to help himself from cracking a smile at the smirk of amusement Snape wore and had to remind himself that it wasn‘t funny and that the song was mean and that Snape was an arse for finding any humor in it at all. Harry shook his head and glared through the players zooming past him, trying to focus more on finding the Snitch and less on how nice it was to see a smile on Snape‘s face, even small little triumphant and humored smirk that could never bode well for anyone, especially since he seemed to be laughing at his best friend‘s expense. Harry tried to be mad, but all he felt were those strange feelings of his stomach flip flopping excitedly. He dared to glance at Snape again, having to completely turn his back to the man to keep from full out grinning as the smirking man‘s black eyes met his own, amusement shining in them that Harry adored. If only Snape could look like that all of the time…And not during that particular song…

“Harry, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” Angelina screamed, soaring past him to keep up with Katie. “GET GOING!”

Harry blinked and realized he had spent too much of his time daydreaming about Snape and not enough in search of the snitch. Spinning around he began flying around the pitch more, keeping his eyes trained on finding that flash of gold, resisting the urge to look up at the black clad figure among the green. Slytherin was winning and Harry could just imagine that look on Snape’s face…The look that was bound to be there. He imagined teasing grins and the mouthed words “I told you so” and pictured the bickering that would take place over the match later on that night…Harry shook his head forcefully, trying to clear his mind and focus. He was in the middle of a game, with the majority of the school here with their eyes on him. It wouldn’t do well to be caught ogling Snape or acting like an idiot on his broom!

Harry dedicated himself to finding the Snitch. After several long, agonizing minutes he finally saw it. He dived. It didn‘t take long before he saw a blur of green and silver nearby, trying to catch up to him. Malfoy had seen him going for it. They were neck and neck after only a matter of seconds and Harry reached out, feeling Malfoy too close, reaching out as well. It was over in a matter of seconds, Harry‘s hand enclosing around that small, fluttering Snitch and felt Malfoy‘s hand slap against his uselessly. Harry pulled his broom back upwards, holding his hand with the Snitch up triumphantly to the pleasure of the Gryffindor crowd.

On the ground, Harry was happily surrounded by his happy teammates. The girls all hugged him happily and the boys shook his hand and Harry frowned at Ron’s noticeable absence. Harry looked around for him, but was only met by the unwelcome sound of Malfoy’s voice.

“Saved Weasley‘s neck, have you?” he said to Harry. “I‘ve never seen a worse Keeper…but then he was born in a bin…Did you like my lyrics, Potter?”

Harry did not answer. He did his best to ignore his anger for Malfoy and instead focused on the jubilation of his team, grinning at them and high fiving them and still looking around for Ron. Malfoy went on, though, despite being ignored. “We wanted to write another couple of verses! But we couldn’t find rhymes for fat and ugly--we wanted to sing about his mother, see--”

“Talk about sour grapes,” muttered Angelina, casting Malfoy a disgusted look.

“--we couldn’t fit in useless loser either--for his father, you know--”

Fred and George had realized what Malfoy was talking about. Midway through shaking Harry’s hand, they stiffened and looked around to the smirking Malfoy. Angelina shook her head and grabbed George while Katie walked over to Fred. “Leave it,” Angelina ordered. “Leave it. Let him yell. He’s just sore he lost, the jumped up little--”

“--but you like the Weasleys, don’t you, Potter?” said Malfoy, sneering. “Spend the holidays and everything. Can’t see how you stand the stink, but I suppose when you’ve been dragged up by Muggles, even the Weasley’s hovel smells okay. Or perhaps you can remmeber what your mother’s house stank like, Potter, and the Weasley’s pigsty reminds you of it--”

Harry gave up the attempts of trying to help everyone hold Fred and George back. He moved forward eagerly despite the protests of his team, gripping Malfoy by the front of his robes. Harry was furious. The Weasleys were like family to him, but Malfoy daring to bring up his dead mother? It was low and Harry was not about to stand for it. Harry didn’t hit him, though…For a moment, Harry was too livid to move or speak. His muscles were tense and all he could think of was punching Malfoy’s face in and doing or saying anything to wipe that ugly smirk from his face. He was pleased by the fear that flashed through Malfoy’s silvery gray eyes. “At least my parents never touched me, Malfoy…Not in any sick way. The Weasley’s aren’t a bunch of perverts, either. I’d almost feel sorry for you, your own father raping you…but you probably enjoy it. You’re just as much of a sick bastard as he is,” Harry snarled.

Malfoy’s eyes were wide with shock and horror and pain. “Wha--Who--P--…” Malfoy sputtered, looking around anxiously. No one had heard…Harry had made sure he was quiet enough. Malfoy looked even paler than usual and looked as though he might be sick. The shaking of the boy he was grabbing pulled Harry out of it before he could hurl more degrading, cruel material at Malfoy and he immediately let go, as though burned, completely horrified with himself as Malfoy stumbled backwards before turning and running towards the castle.

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“How could you?!”

Severus was surprised to walk into his office to find his godson standing there. Even more surprised he was to be greeted with such fury from Draco and more concerned by the tears streaking down the boy‘s face. Severus hastily closed the door and folded his arms over his chest. “What--”

“How could you?” Draco hissed. “I knew Potter liked you, but I had no idea you were taking advantage of that! You‘re no better than my father! What? You‘re fucking him and now you‘re off telling him…Telling him about my father!”

Severus froze. “What?”

“Potter! He told me! He knows! And you’re the only other person who knows! I didn’t tell him! I doubt my father told him! I thought I could trust you!”

Severus growled under his breath. He was going to strangle Potter. “You can trust me, Draco. I am not sleeping with Potter because unlike your father, I am not a pedophile,” Severus said coolly, ignoring the voice in his head hissing liarrrrr! “I also did not tell Potter anything. I have more respect than that, Draco, and I would think after all of this time you would know that,” Severus explained. “Potter merely took it upon himself to look into my Pensive during detention one night when I stepped out to deal with Theodore Nott. He saw the conversation I had with your father…I asked him not to mention it, but obviously I was wrong to trust he wouldn‘t say anything.”

It was a lie, but Draco didn’t need to know about Harry’s Occlumency lessons…Severus also didn’t want Draco to distrust him. Severus was working hard trying to get Draco to trust him so that he might be able to help him, and Potter had just ruined everything with a few nasty words. Severus could not even begin to fathom what had taken place. It was almost impossible to imagine Potter being so malicious…But perhaps he had been wrong in assuming the boy was more like his mother. Apparently he was just as ugly and horrid as his bully of a father.

Draco calmed down, but still eyed Severus suspiciously. Severus sighed. “Why would I tell him, Draco? In what world does that even make sense?”

Draco just shook his head and muttered under his breath, harshly wiping his eyes and walking out of the office. Severus wanted to stop him, to make him believe him…but he knew it was useless. With a sigh he sat behind his desk, lost in thought as he waited for Potter to arrive for their usual lessons.

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Harry had never felt so awful about anything in his life. How could he have said that to Malfoy? Even if the boy was being a prick, Harry should have never said that…And how was he even supposed to explain knowing about that? The look of pain on Malfoy‘s face made Harry feel dirty and it was all he could think about during Gryffindor‘s celebration. He tried to smile and laugh and have a good time, but he felt nothing but dread for the first time in a long time as his time for lessons with Snape drew closer. He felt sick to his stomach just thinking about what had happened with Malfoy and how Snape would react if he saw it in his mind.

“Really sucks you have le--detention on a night like this, mate!” said Ron.

“At least he didn’t make Harry miss the game,” Angelina pointed out happily.

Harry just forced a smile and bid farewell and headed to the dungeons, feeling it growing harder to force his body to move the closer he got. Somehow, he made it, a few minutes late and was stunned to find Snape already waiting and shoving him through the door before harshly slamming it closed.

“I have never been more disgusted with you in my life than I am right now,” Snape snarled. Harry was taken aback and stared with wide eyes at the man. “I told you not to breathe a word of what you knew about Draco to anyone! Including him! Yet you sit there and rub it in his face--”

Harry was horrified that Snape knew, but quickly felt himself becoming defensive. “He insulted the Weasleys and my mother!”

“I highly doubt anything Draco said to you warranted you bringing up such personal subject matter!” Snape hissed.

Harry’s face flushed in shame and he turned away from Snape. “I…I know…I--”

“Don’t fool around with me, Potter! You’re not sorry! You’re just as arrogant and foolish and awful as your father!”

“Don‘t bring my father into this!” Harry snapped heatedly, feeling his anger grow again. “He was a better man than you could ever hope to be!”

Snape chuckled darkly. “If only you knew what kind of insolent tyrant your father truly was,” Snape whispered.

Harry had no idea what Snape was talking about, but Harry didn‘t care! The man was badmouthing his father! Snape didn‘t know James Potter…He was jealous, if nothing else. Everyone had always told Harry how brilliant and brave his father had been. Snape was just trying to get to him and Harry couldn‘t help the way it was working so easily. It only made him even more furious. “Can‘t have been any worse than you or Malfoy! And at least he wasn‘t going off imagining sex with children!”

Snape‘s eyes flashed furiously. “Yes…I believe I have been right all along. The headmaster always argued…Always defended you…Always raved about how good of a person you are, Potter. But you are nothing! Standing here and making pathetic excuses for your vile behavior! Treating others lower than you to make yourself feel tall! There is nothing powerful about treating people like they are beneath you…Such callous behavior, using such vicious weapons against others because you can! Yes…You are exactly like your prat of a father! Caring for no one but yourself!”

“You don‘t know anything about me or my father, Snape!” Harry snarled. “I only threw back at Malfoy what he‘s had coming all these years! I feel awful about it…I‘ve been sick all day with shame over it, but now I‘m starting to wonder why! The way you both have treated me and my friends since the moment we came here…Maybe it‘s time for a little payback! If either of you can‘t handle what you‘ve been--”

“Silence, Potter!” Snape growled. He reached forward, his long fingers enclosing around Harry’s throat and he coughed a bit, tensing up, though Snape didn’t squeeze hard enough to cut off his air supply. “There is no excuse appropriate enough to explain what you have done! You are no better than your father or his foolish friends…I suppose it’s about time I show you exactly what I mean, Potter. It wouldn’t do well to hold onto this golden image of your so-called heroic father…So you can swell with hideous pride with every comparison between the both of you. Maybe if I show you, maybe you will understand once and for all what sort of lowlife bastard your father truly was,” Snape hissed, spinning Harry around and shoving his face into the Pensive resting on his desk.

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Author‘s Note: Sooooooo that was fun >_> Thanks everyone who reviewed! Please keep the reviews coming, I love the encouragement lol! Anyway, lyrics in the chapter title like the last are from “Night of the Hunter“ by 30 Seconds to Mars.
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Lost and Damned