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"Why Me?"	By : SpeedyTomato Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male Views: 88152 -:- Recommendations : 4 -:- Currently Reading : 8
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and make no money off this work of extreme insanity.

Chapter List
- 11
- 12
- 13
Beta'd by the amazing Tenchi. Love you, woman, you're the best!

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Dedication: For Tenchi, whose reality sucks right now. Enjoy! I hope you get some good giggles out of this!

-The Psycho Fruit

Chapter 12:

Now you've done it, Lucius. Harry's pissed!

Whimpering softly, Remus was sure that his brain was turning to liquid and oozing out his ears as the sunlight penetrated his shut eyelids, causing the pain from the hangover to throb more insistently. If the mind-melting pain wasn't bad enough, his mouth tasted like a dragon had made a stop over him the night before and left a deposit in his oral cavity. He was also fairly certain he needed to use a hair removal spell on his tongue. Oh, this was bad. Of course, he'd experienced hangovers in the past, like most people, but he couldn't remember one being this bad before. Whining when he heard a wail from a house elf through the floor, something that made his head throb worse, he rolled onto his side, away from the window that seemed to have death rays disguised as sunbeams streaming in. Cracking open one eye, he looked for his wand, wondering if a quick AK would be a good way to end his torment. Instead, what he saw was something that made him almost weep with relief; a bottle of hangover cure.
Eyes narrowed to slits, though still tearing from the pain throbbing in his melting brain, he grabbed the bottle then managed to pull the stopper out. Downing it, gagging at the taste, he sighed as, almost instantly, the pain ebbed then vanished almost entirely. Oh, that was good! He wasn't sure what benevolent soul left that bottle where he could see it, but he was going to kiss them for it. The relief was so great, he thought, maybe, tongue might be involved as well.
Sitting up with a groan, shaking his head to get rid of the fuzzies, he reminded himself to do something about his furry tongue when in the bathroom. Sitting there, he hoped that he hadn't done anything the night before that he would regret. As things were a big blur when it came to events after sitting down and drinking with Severus, he was wondering about that. There was a reason he didn't drink to excess much, especially with people around. He became—well, it could only be termed rather—no, actually, there was no nice way to put it; he became a wanton slut that didn't care who he did what with. It didn't matter the sex. If there was a human around him, he was going to make a pass at them, a very overt one at that.
Sighing, he was about to stand to find the lavatory when he stiffened up, eyes widening, at the sound of a human groan behind him and felt the bed shift as a body moved. Oh, Merlin! He didn't! Groaning in mental pain, he was afraid to turn around and see who was there. With him being like he was when inebriated, it was hard to tell. This wasn't good. Wracking his brain, he tried to think who he might have encountered during his drunken state and only one name came to mind. If that's who it was, neither of them were going to handle it well.
Starting to hear some thick, muttered, snarky grumblings from a voice he knew well, Remus flushed bright red then pondered running away and living in a cave, alone, for the rest of his life. Grabbing his wand, and the extra bottle of hangover potion from the nightstand, he put his head in his hand, eyes shut, unable to face Severus. Holding the potion out to the man when he felt him sit up, he said, quietly, voice shaking, “Here, Severus.” It was then, for the first time, he noticed the familiar throb and soreness in his arse. Yup, he did and there was no undoing it. Oh, he was never going to live this down, ever!
Snarling, though not too loudly, so that the dragon stomping around in his head didn't get more pissed than it already was, thus causing more pain, Severus snatched the Merlin-sent gift of relief from Lupin and downed it, sighing at the almost instant end to the pain. Shaking his head, he glanced at the man, eyes widening at his nude state. Then the memories started to flood back. Stiffening up, he looked down, afraid of what he would see. Of course, as expected, he had no clothes on either. Shifting around, he felt a stinging from his back, as if multiple claws had raked down it at some point, he was then completely and utterly horrified as the memories flooded back. They did! Oh, Merlin on a manic manticore, he had fucked Lupin! Vigorously, for a very long time. And he had enjoyed it, immensely. This was bad, very bad!
Sitting up on the edge of the bed, making sure to face away from the man so their backs were to each other, he tried to think. The only thing that came to mind to deal with it was something he would work with. Snarling, he said, “I'll Obliviate you and you will return the favor. Then no one will ever be the wiser.”
“Won't work,” Remus told him softly, shaking his head and rubbing his eyes.
“It will,” Severus snapped, stiffening up.
“It won't,” Remus sighed. “I've tried that before, Severus. One of us has to remember what we're Obliviating to manage it. If I Obliviate you, you won't remember what you need to Obliviate me about.”
Damn logical werewolf! He hated logic! Well—this time he hated logic. Huffing, he shook his head. Oh, this was not the way to start his day! “Tell me you have more booze,” he finally snarled, rubbing a shaking hand over his face. “I don't think I can face the day without a drink.”
“I wish,” Remus told him softly, shaking his head though he knew the man couldn't see it. “I'm certain we both drank it all last night. Though, maybe, there might be some in the kitchen. I'm not sure there, though.”

“There better be,” Severus told him, standing. Snagging his clothes, he headed to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. A long hot shower in scalding water was in order to deal with this. Then he was finding booze. He didn't care who he had to maim, gut or dismember, he was finding a damned drink!
Shaking his head, Remus rubbed his eyes. Standing, wincing as he did, he went to get clothes then find one of the other showers and something for the pain in his arse. Yeah, a drink might be a good idea.

Sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee, Remus and Severus were steadfastly ignoring each other. They had taken the kitchen apart looking for anything that had alcohol in it and found nothing, not even cooking sherry. So, they were working with the situation the best they could by pretending the night before never happened.
Both stiffened up and looked at the door when it opened, hoping it wasn't another elf. They had already encountered several of the cringing, apologizing creatures and neither thought they could handle another one. However, what their eyes beheld had both of them gawking. Severus just stared, mouth agape, unable to believe his eyes. Remus didn't know what to think, hand over his mouth, eyes wide. This was—wow.
Head held high, mustering as much dignity as he could manage in the situation, Lucius walked to the head of the table and sat down. Glowering at the two there, he hissed, “I don't want to talk about it!”
Looking at the Malfoy patriarch. Remus couldn't believe his eyes. His hair—it was several shades of pink, ranging from a nice, soothing pale one to a hot pink that made your eyes water when you looked at it. To top it off, there were neon purple bows in it, tying it up in nice pig tails. On his face was so much makeup that it looked like the entire beauty department of a large store had blow up on him then it was smeared around by a two-year old with motor control problems in a caricature of how women used it. His robes, though you could tell they were custom-made and fit, were the same color of neon purple as the bows in his hair, adorned with hot pink dragons in yellow skirts dancing around. Shaking his head, eyes locked on the man, Remus didn't know what to say.
Taking in what he was seeing, Severus then looked at his coffee cup, longing for a generous dollop of booze to add to it. Knowing there was none, he sighed then asked, “Why didn't you remove the spells? Lucius, that hurts the eyes.”
“Right now, it's not removable,” Lucius grumbled, taking the tea a whinging, sobbing house elf delivered.
“Sirius went a little overboard this time,” Remus observed, unable to tear his eyes away from what he was seeing.
“Black didn't do this,” Lucius sighed, rubbing his eyes with a trembling hand.
“Potter did?” Severus asked, tone incredulous. The boy was good, but most of his spells were defensive ones. He knew some prank spells, of course, but the Potions Master didn't think he knew anything that could pull this off.
“Harry is rather—miffed at me right now,” Lucius told him dourly, shaking his head. “He refuses to remove the spells or return my wand until--” stopping, he just sighed once more, rubbing his eyes again before sipping at his tea.
“What did you do?” Severus asked, a sadistic glee weaving through his voice as he did. The day was already a nightmare, so someone else's suffering would only improve it.
Head coming up as he heard the sounds of hooves on the flooring, Lucius stiffened then said, “I made a slight calculation error in a spell. There's now a problem.”
Glancing at Severus when he heard the sound of hooves approaching the kitchen, seeing a wide-eyed look there, Remus then looked at the door, waiting to see what was going on.
Sputtering when Sirius held the door open and helped Harry in, Remus uttered an astounded, “Oh, Merlin!” Standing and stammering, he asked, “What happened?” Looking at Harry, one name came to mind; Cernunnos. Harry had a rack of deer antlers Prongs would have killed for. In fact, they were so large that all of them had to duck as Sirius helped the poor young man to the table. The only difference between Harry and the Great Horned God was the fact that his lower body was that of a two-legged deer.
Snarling, glaring at Malfoy as Sirius helped him sit down, Harry snapped, “I walked out of the freaking bathroom is what happened!” Still glaring at Malfoy he hissed, “And this prat cast the spell!” Sitting his wand on the table, he then added Lucius' right beside it, shooting the man a deadly look.
Rubbing his eyes, Lucius mumbled, for about the millionth time since the night before, “I'm sorry, Harry. You weren't the intended target.”
“Yeah, well, one of the first things they teach you in school is not to use a spell you can't reverse, Malfoy!” Harry shot back, folding his arms over his chest, trying not to weave where he was sitting. The antlers were really heavy and throwing his balance off. Then there was the fact that the deer hair on his legs itched. He wouldn't even think about how odd the hooves felt.
“I'm sorry,” Lucius muttered again, shaking his head. “If you just give me my wand, I'll try again.”
“No chance,” Harry shouted, looking furious. “The last shot you did at reversing it gave me the deer legs! And hooves. I have hooves, Malfoy! There is no way you're trying again.” Lowering his voice, he hissed, “And you are not getting your wand back until it's reversed. Once its reversed, I'll think about undoing the spells on you.”
Ducking the antlers to take a seat with his cup of coffee and a glass of milk for his godson, Sirius sighed then shook his head. Rubbing his eyes, he told them, “I've tried everything I can think of to reverse this. It might help if someone,” he said, glaring at the idiot pervert, “could remember what spell they cast. So far, no luck.” Handing the glass of milk to Harry, he said, “I put a straw in it so you don't have to bend too much. We don't want you getting off-balance again.”
Snarling and glaring at Malfoy once more, Harry began to sip his drink, refusing to look at Remus and Snape.
Looking at the rack on the young man, Severus rubbed a hand over his mouth, shaking his head. It was an awe-inspiring set, that's for damned sure. Looking at Lucius, who was rubbing his eyes, he asked, “Any idea at all what spell you used?”
“None,” Lucius sighed. “It was—well, Black and I—spells were flying and I was just casting at random. Harry walked back out at an inopportune time and into one. I don't have any idea what spell this might have been.”
“I'm allowed to walk out of the freaking bathroom in my own room without being caught in the middle of a duel!” Harry shouted at him. “If you hadn't barged in and started with the pervert crap again, this wouldn't have happened!” Lowering his voice, he then said, tone deadly, “I should break your damned wand then flush it!”
Panicked at that thought, Lucius soothed, “No need to go to extreme measures, Harry. I'll make it up to you! I swear. We'll get it reversed!”
“We will,” Sirius nodded, patting Harry on the back gently. “I contacted Albus. He's coming over with Bill and Charlie. I explained a little of what the problem is, so they should be able to sort it out.”
“They better,” Harry snarled, glaring at Malfoy. “And keep those stupid ferrets away from me until they do. The antlers aren't a jungle gym and they are not allowed to play in them again.”
“Gred and Forge are in their cages, secured,” Lucius assured the young man with a nod.
“You said that last time,” Harry snapped. “I dozed off finally then wake to ferrets frolicking in my antlers!”
“I doubled checked, I promise,” Lucius told him firmly. “I put extra spells on the doors to ensure that they won't get loose.” Lowering his voice, he said, “I'm sorry, Harry, I really am. I'll make it up to you.”
“There is no chance of that, Malfoy,” Harry told him, glowering in his direction. Sighing, he tried to look down at the plate of food in front of him, but almost went face first into it as the antlers off-balanced him. Huffing, he rubbed his eyes. This was a nightmare. And it was going to get worse as he would now have to deal with a twinkling Dumbledore to reverse whatever this was.
Ducking the antlers as they moved around, seeing everyone else do the same, Sirius rubbed Harry's back then said, keeping a soothing tone, “How about I have an elf grab you something in the form of a sandwich so you don't have to move too much.”
“Fine,” Harry snorted, looking thunderous, folding his arms over his chest.
“How would you like a new broom? Firebolt has a new model out this year,” Lucius bribed, trying to look pleasant. That always worked with Draco, so he thought it would with Harry as well.
Turning his head to look at Malfoy, seeing everyone duck the swinging antlers as he did, Harry hissed, “No. There is no amount of bribery that will make up for this. And you aren't getting your wand back until it's reversed.”
Knowing everyone had a price and forgiveness could be bought, Lucius pressed on. Folding his hands on the table, smiling slightly, he asked, “How about an indoor swimming pool? We can take a room in the basement and convert it for you.”
Glaring at Malfoy, Harry said nothing, taking the breakfast sandwich from an almost hysterical elf and bit into it, eyes still locked on the prat.
Taking that as a no, Lucius pressed on, “Indoor Quidditch pitch then! We can do the same as the pool.”
“I know what will work,” Harry said, smoothly, glowering at the idiot.
“Lucius, I wouldn’t--” Severus started, assuming from the look on Potter's face that this wouldn't be good. However, he was stopped from going any further by Lucius cutting him off.
“Whatever you like, Harry,” Lucius told him, nodding vigorously.
“Let's glue fur to you, rub you in ferret blood then lock you in the room with Buckbeak,” Harry bit out, eyes narrowing.
Processing that, Lucius rubbed his eyes and sighed. No, this wasn't going well. He thought, maybe, he should wait until the spell was reversed before he tried to get into Harry's good graces.
“I like that idea,” Sirius chuckled as he envisioned it, giving Harry a pat on the back.
Glaring at Black, Lucius snapped, “You're not helping! You were involved in the debacle as well!”
“Well, I was cautious enough to make damned sure Harry didn't get caught in the middle and to know what spells I cast,” Sirius snarled at him.
Ignoring the bickering between the two, Remus looked at the disgruntled Harry then said, gently, “Maybe we could cut the antlers down to nubs until they find the spell for removal. That will at least make you more comfortable, Harry.”
“We've already tried that,” Harry sighed, slouching as his neck and shoulders ached. “It hurts like you're trying to remove a body part of something.” He was about to detail what they tried up to that point when his head jerked towards the door. Eyes narrowing at some familiar squeaking, he grabbed his wand and leveled it at the door, waiting. One tiny paw that looked like it was moving in the direction of the antlers and there were two ferrets that were going to meet Buckbeak!
Hearing the squeaks himself, Lucius' eyes widened. Ducking the swinging antlers, Lucius stood and soothed, “I'll handle them, Harry! Let me grab them. I swear, they won't try for the antlers again.” Scurrying off, he went to snag the ferrets before an irate Harry did something to them.
“Gred and Forge are in their cages, secured,” Harry mocked in an imitation of Lucius' voice. Sighing, he rubbed his eyes. He hated his life.
Coming in, holding the ferrets, scolding them gently, Lucius sat down. “I'll keep hold of them, I promise. They don't seem to like the ferret kibble and appear hungry. I don't know what's wrong with it. The elves put it in the cages, but they toss it out while having a right fit. That means we're going to have to feed them something else.” Having a cringing and wailing house elf bring a plate of food for the two, he began feeding them, cooing as he did.
Watching Lucius then looking at Harry and Sirius, both of whom were glowering at the man, Remus sighed then rubbed his eyes. Quietly, he said, “Someone needs to send an elf to get groceries today. We’ve run out of some essentials.”
“Yes, booze,” Severus said with a dour look, rubbing his eyes.
“We'll handle that after we get this mess sorted,” Sirius said, rubbing a hand over his face then smoothing down his goatee. He didn't think it was possible, but this just grew worse with each day. Booze—yeah, that was now an essential element he was sure they would all need soon, including Harry.

“Nice rack, Harry,” Bill said, trying not to laugh as he looked at the poor young man.
“Shut up, Bill,” Harry huffed, rubbing his eyes. He refused to look at Dumbledore at this point. The man was twinkling madly and he couldn’t handle that right now.
Sitting on the bench by the young man, Albus was fingering the antlers and thinking. “Have you tried deducing what spell was cast by looking at the wand's history?” He asked, distractedly.
“We did,” Sirius sighed. “We can't find it. We tried finite and everything else we could come up with. No clue here, Albus. He needs the antlers off first. They're so heavy they're making his neck and shoulders hurt. Not to mention being a danger to everyone else every time he moves his head.”
“I'll get them off, don't worry,” Albus told him, pulling his wand. Glancing at the brightly colored Lucius, he asked, “Do I need to reverse that as well?”
“No,” Harry snapped. “I know just what spells I put on him. They aren't coming off until I'm back to normal.”
“Oh, alright,” Albus chuckled, eyes twinkling harder. Readying his wand, he began to mutter about what to try.
Laying a reassuring hand on Harry's shoulder, Sirius glared at Lucius and the ferrets he was holding. Sighing, he looked at the amused Charlie. As the man had a Mastery in Care, he thought he could determine what they needed to know about the ferrets. “Charlie, can you check the ferrets to see how much jarvey is in them? We know they are part. I just want to know how much so we know what we're dealing with here.”
“Sure, I can do that,” Charlie nodded, taking the ferrets from Lucius. Handing them to Bill, he began to cast some spells on them, frowning as he did. “Where did you get them? From a breeder or a pet store?” He asked as he worked his way through the standard spells.
“Just a small pet store,” Lucius told him, keeping an eye on his boys though it didn't appear Weasley was hurting them.
“Yeah, well, you need to give me the name of the store because they need turned in for selling an illegal animal,” Charlie said finally as he looked at the readings. Looking around, he said, “These creatures are well above the legal limit for the amount of jarvey in a ferret.”
“How much,” Sirius asked, stiffening up, looking at the two ginger colored menaces.
“They are 75% jarvey. Just enough so they can't talk. They're dangerous and not pets.”
“Oh, bloody hell,” Sirius moaned, rubbing his eyes. “No wonder we can't keep them locked in the cage.”
“Yeah,” Charlie said with a shake of his head. “I doubt there is a cage that can hold them, no matter the locking spells. Give me the carrier they came with and I'll take them to Hagrid. He can use them for extermination of gnomes and things like that.”
“No,” Lucius said firmly, standing up and snatching the ferrets back. “Gred and Forge are going nowhere. They'll do fine with us. They are quite amiable. No, they stay.”
“Gred and Forge?” Bill asked, chuckling, eyebrows raised.
“Yeah, Harry named them after your brothers,” Sirius grinned. Looking at Lucius, he said, firmly, “They need to go. We can't chance this, Malfoy.”
“Absolutely not,” Lucius huffed, glaring at Black. “They stay here. That's my final word. I'll look after them.”
“On your own head be it, Lucius,” Charlie sighed, shaking his head, looking at Sirius.
Sirius was about to argue, but let out a startled yelp and backed up as the antlers dropped off Harry's head, landing on the table. Seeing his godson slouch in relief and rub his aching neck, he reached out then picked up the massive rack. Grinning, he nudged Harry and said, “I vote we keep these. Your dad would have had fits of jealousy over this impressive set. We can hang them in our room and decorate them for Christmas!”
Chuckling at that, relieved to have the massive weight off his head, Harry was finding it slightly funny since they were gone. “Alright, sound good.”
“Hey, we can hang clothes on them!” Sirius laughed.
Grinning at that, Harry nodded as Dumbledore worked on his legs. Within minutes, the old man had them back to normal, a major relief.
“There, you should be fine now, Harry.” Looking at Lucius, he asked, “Do you want to reverse the spells or should I?”
“I'll do it,” Harry said, grabbing his wand and glaring at Malfoy. Hissing, he warned, “Next time I won't! And I shouldn't give you your wand back either!”
“It shan't happen again, I swear,” Lucius promised, waiting, trying to look sincere.
Reversing the spells, Harry slid the wand over to the man. Leaning back against Sirius, he sighed. That was much better.
Relieved that everything was normal once more and there was no pink in sight, Lucius petted the ferrets. Along with that, he was trying to think of a way to bribe Harry. No, it wouldn't do to have the young man stay mad at him.
Straightening up, Albus looked around and asked, “So, other than miscast spells, are we all doing fine?”
“Only if you like living in a madhouse,” Severus groused, sipping his coffee, planning to find the nearest liquor store once the old goat left.
Chortling, Albus had them fill him in so he knew what he was dealing with.
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"Why Me?"