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On The Dark Side	By : stargazer67 Category: HP Canon Characters paired with Original Characters > General Views: 11597 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Alyssa paces a bit as she waits, but finally the Grey Lady returns and says, “He has a message for you and says he must speak with you alone. I will escort you there and wait for you outside to escort you back. I am convinced that whatever it is he needs to say, he feels it is very important and that you are or could be in danger.”
Alyssa nods, and thinks to herself it may be something to do with Malfoy. She makes her way to the dungeon, with one detour along the way to avoid Mrs. Norris.
The door is cracked when she reaches Snape’s office, and she opens it tentatively. She sees him standing near his chair, looking at her with fear and also a sort of hunger, as if he’s longed for the sight of her and fears he’ll never see her again. This surprises her, and he says softly, “Please…come in, and close the door.”
She closes the door behind her and moves closer to him; and he still looks uneasy. He takes a step towards her and then stops, hesitant; closes his eyes, and then when he reopens them, he says, “Please, sit down.” She sits down on the couch, and he sits beside her but at a distance away, not wanting to crowd her.
He says, “Alyssa…you must stay completely away from me for the rest of the school term. Don’t even look at me, don’t show any interest in me whatsoever. I will have to do the same with you. I cannot tell you how important it is that no-one even have the barest hint that either of us has any interest in the other. I actually do not know if you still do have any interest in me; but I still want you every bit as much as I did before. Probably more. But I cannot allow even the smallest hint of that to be visible to anyone else. I cannot tell you what the danger is nor why; just trust me that it would be much worse than you encountering Lucius Malfoy when completely alone and unprotected.”
She can see the very real fear on his face as he tells her this, and she’s pretty sure it’s not feigned; and it scares her, too. But, she’s not ready to forgive him for Lavender Brown, nor for his (as she still sees it) somewhat arrogant ‘offer’ to her, so she replies with some sarcasm, “Let me guess. You could protect me from this if I was ‘yours’, right?”
He sighs and says, “Yes. I think I could, anyway. But that isn’t what I asked you here for. I’ve told you, I don’t want you making that kind of promise to me out of fear. The bond would not be a true one if you did. Please…this isn’t about that, at all. I just want you to be safe, and as long as anyone can detect that you mean anything to me, you won’t be safe. But I did not want to leave you thinking that you didn’t mean anything to me, even if it would actually make you safer if you did believe that.”
Alyssa is completely confused, now. She can see how much she does mean to him in his face and eyes, and can see that it goes well beyond just his words; but yet, he still wants this over-the-top vow from her for them to be together, and that makes no sense to her at all. Nor does this nebulous danger that he can’t tell her about. Nor does it jibe with him wanting Lavender.
She decides she’ll tackle that first, and says, “What about Lavender Brown? I saw her coming here on Solstice Night, and not leaving. Did you make her the same offer?”
She sees a mixture of feelings on his face when she says Lavender’s name, and none of them are good. Pain, despair, shame, resignation; but definitely not desire, or love, or even lust. Something occurs to her and she says, “Is she blackmailing you, somehow?”
He looks very startled at that and can’t quite hide it quickly enough, and she says, “That little bitch…”
Snape looks frightened again and says, “Alyssa…please, please don’t try to get involved with this. Yes, you could say she is blackmailing me in a way, but you have no idea what the stakes are; and trust me that my position here would be the least of them. If I was only worried about my job, I could leave Hogwarts and seek a post at Durmstrang or one of the other wizarding schools. Please; don’t try to find out what it actually is, and do not under any circumstances come to her notice in any way.”
She still looks angry and he goes on, “If you thought the encounter with Malfoy was terrifying – if I tell you it would be exponentially worse than that, I’m not exaggerating. And I would be powerless to help you, even if I was right there. I know you are very intelligent and very clever also – enlisting the Grey Lady’s help tonight was genius. But please do not bend your talented mind to this problem. I am fairly certain that it will resolve itself over the summer; perhaps sooner. But until it does, please don’t give me any notice, nor her either. She will in fact be coming here frequently, I’ll save you the trouble of trying to spy on her. I will also say to you that I have no desire for her whatsoever, no matter what you may see either of us say or do.”
Alyssa says, slowly, “…Could you tell me what it was, if I took your vow?”
He closes his eyes in resignation and says, “Yes.”
She explodes off the couch and yells, “MERLIN’S BLOODY BEARD! Does everything come back to that? You say you want me, and I can see that you do. You say that I mean something to you, and I can see that it’s a whole lot more to you even than you’re willing to put into words. I can see how afraid you are that something bad will happen to me. So why the FUCK do you want to make me your slave? Why can’t we just have a normal relationship, like two normal people?”
He sighs and says, “I’m not sure I can explain it, Alyssa. It’s what I want, what I have always wanted. And it is an honest relationship, in a way that even a lot of ‘normal’ relationships aren’t. Even you have to admit that people lie to one another, or misrepresent themselves as something they’re not, or subdue their desires and settle for less than they really want out of life, or their jobs, or…their partners.”
“I want that ultimate commitment, the knowledge that you are giving me your whole self and that you would do anything for me. You already know I’d do anything for you; that’s basically expected of men anyway, that they’d even throw themselves into mortal danger for their partner, without a second thought. And I don’t want to live a lie for a relationship, either to myself or to my partner. I will desire other women; often just as a side effect of the exercising of power in one way or another, which is often quite arousing by itself and has nothing to do with how I feel about you. And I don’t want to have to hide it or lie about it, it’s just part of who I am. And even in this kind of relationship, if you desired another man, and asked me, I probably would arrange it for you. A Master gives back to their servant when they are pleased with them.”
“I can’t explain to you why it matters enough to me to deny myself even the pleasure of being with you without that; just that it does. Either you can accept that about me, or you can’t; and if you can’t, then I’ll get over it in time, though not without pain. I honestly am not sure I’ll ever find what I’m looking for anyway; but I certainly will never find it if I’m never honest enough to say that it’s what I really want. And if I accept less than I want, I’m being dishonest, to both of us.”
This takes Alyssa completely aback; it’s a whole new set of concepts, ones she’d never even considered. And even without having much relationship experience herself, she knows exactly what he’s talking about as well.
He goes on, “I think you know already as well that I am no saint, Alyssa. I’ve taken girls without their consent before. I’ve used sex as a punishment. I’ve traded sex for passing grades. And there’s more I cannot tell you – and before you ask, yes, I could tell you if you took the vow to me, and yes, actually it does also play into why I require it, and no, I won’t tell you any more than that – I can’t.”
“You might change some of those things about me in time, or you might not; but you can’t accept me expecting to change any of it. Because that isn’t accepting me in the first place. I know it’s not news to you because you were in fact banking on my forbidden desires the night you had detention yourself. And had you been less than you are, I’d very likely have given you what you wanted, and then discarded you, as I have with the rest. I couldn’t, simply because I figured out very quickly that I would not want to discard you; you’re worth more than that. Both to yourself and to me.”
Alyssa feels a very strange mixture of feelings at his words; partially horror, that he can talk so casually about such things. Partially horror at herself that she still wants him in spite of it; he’s right, she pretty much knew he wasn’t a saint when she put herself in detention with him. Was in fact counting on it and even attracted by it, in a way. Partially a deep warmth that she wasn’t like the rest, to him; that he was willing to forgo his own desires because he felt she was worth more. And warmth that he does in fact want more from her – basically wants her for always. It’s very confusing to her, but she has to admit; she still wants him, too. Desperately.
Quietly, he says, “I hate to say it, but you probably need to go. The Grey Lady is likely getting a bit worried, and she may start rousing the castle if you don’t go back soon. She doesn’t trust me completely…understandably. I must caution you also that Lucius is still a threat, and at this point I couldn’t even rescue you; because it would show I cared, too much, and would bring worse to you on top of anything he did. Please, be careful. I will probably go back to encouraging female visitors; with any luck I can find one that will distract him, and will even enjoy his attention. Or at least his wealth.”
Snape stands up and offers her his hand; and when she takes it, he pulls her into his arms and holds her tightly. He whispers to her, “Alyssa…no matter how well I act my part from tonight forward, no matter how much I ignore you; please do not doubt for a moment that I want you more than I have ever wanted anyone in my life. If you come to a point where you are ready to be mine completely, come to me; and I will do everything I can to shield you from the danger that acknowledging you to others might bring. And even if you never want me enough to be mine, still I will always care what happens to you. You matter to me more than you know.”
She holds him tightly and begins to cry; she is nearly ready to tell him that she’ll do it, she’ll do anything not to lose him. He seems to sense the thought and says, “Not now. Not when your emotions are running high like this. When it still stands up to the cold light of day, that’s when you know it’s not just grasping at straws to keep them from slipping through your fingers.”
He pulls back and looks into her eyes, caressing her face, and says, “Trust me, it’s not easy for me to discourage you from taking that leap while you’re feeling this way; but it wouldn’t be real, it wouldn’t be right. If it isn’t what you want, it would not fulfill me, either. If you had regrets, I’d sense them and it would make it feel wrong to me, too. I don’t want either of us to live a lie. Life is too short for that.”
He bends down to gently touch his lips to hers; and as before, she surrenders completely to his kiss. He can taste her tears as she opens her mouth under his; and his cock stiffens as she molds her body completely to his. He feels the passion rising in both of them and reluctantly breaks the kiss, saying, “You tempt me beyond endurance, Alyssa. You can go to your own bed with the sure knowledge that I will be pleasuring myself tonight, thinking of you. And on many other nights after this as well. Don’t be fooled by my avoidance of you after this; I am a very good actor, I’ve had to be for my own survival many times before now. And my own survival doesn’t matter to me nearly as much now, as yours does.”
“Oh….Severus…” she breathes, and then her eyes widen as she realizes that she’s just called him by his first name. He touches her face, smiling, and says, “Music to my ears, but only when we’re alone. Go, Alyssa; before you tempt me into dragging you off to my bed and forever making the Grey Lady regret having brought you to me tonight.”
She smiles through her tears at that, and with a last look at him, turns to go. He watches her and hopes that he has at least protected her from the worst that might happen – Lavender discovering what she means to him, and using it against him. He can survive the abuse that Lavender is subjecting him to; but he knows he could not survive seeing Alyssa abused that way.
- 11
- 12
- 13
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On The Dark Side