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Going On	By : Relevant_Peach Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 6816 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter universe or the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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- 13
Severus was obsessing, and he was well aware of it. The matter of the miscast spell taunted him constantly. Harry and Teddy both were casting a wide berth around him as he muttered to himself, consulting book after book. Most vexing was the fact that Harry Potter were involved. Many of the mysteries and frustrations in his life had centred around Harry-fucking-Potter, why should this have been any different?

And, while mightily annoyed that, of course it was Harry to whom unexplainable things happened, Severus couldn’t deny that Ron’s words occupied his thoughts equally. The notion of himself and Harry being soulmates was so ridiculous that Severus longed to refute it completely. Soulmates were an innocent witch’s dream, not a documented fact. Any of the deep partnerships that Severus had observed, Arthur and Molly Weasley, Alice and Frank Longbottom, hell, Harry’s own parents, much as it chagrined Severus to admit it, had been referred to as soul bonds, but Severus knew that if there’d been any factual changes wrought by their bonding, they’d be documented somewhere. Besides that, he’d personally witnessed Lily hex James Potter on a number of occasions, and those all worked fine.

And there was nothing. No documented proof of one partnership being any more magically blessed than another. And, he admitted to himself, if there were going to be a person who had broken magical convention by having an unexplained happening, it was likely to be Harry. But with Severus? This is where Severus’ careful reasoning broke down. He was no more likely to be a preordained magical match for Harry than Lucius Malfoy. He and Harry had only recently learned to treat one another with basic respect. Surely there was no chance that they could develop a closer relationship than the tentative friendship they had now.

Severus was well aware that he was an unlikely partner for most. His looks were harsh, his personality more so, and Severus possessed enough self-awareness to realize that he were far too domineering to make a decent partner for most. Few people were brave enough to withstand a battle of wits, and Severus refused to consider anyone who simply gave in to him. Granted, Harry had never cowed to him, and was more than strong enough to stand up for his principles. But, to consider a possible link to Harry was folly. Tea, he decided. Tea was usually the correct answer.

Severus made his way into the kitchen. Harry was at the counter, making scones. He had his back to Severus, and gave the older man an opportunity to watch him unnoticed. Draco was right, Harry had never truly grown to the height of either of his parents. His spare frame, far from being skinny, was lithe and compact. Despite his stature, he gave an aura of strength, dependability. He’d grown his hair out a little longer since his schooldays, and the once spiky riot now was a still-disheveled mop of waves. They seemed to obey his comb no more than they ever had, but where once he looked untidy, now he looked as though he’d just been out in a bracing windstorm, tousled, but appealing. His skin was shades darker than Severus’ own, unblemished, but for the scars he’d obtained throughout his life. He was attractive, Severus admitted. More than attractive. Severus must have made a noise as he scrutinized his housemate, because Harry turned from his work then. He had a smudge of flour on his cheek, and he gifted Severus with a brilliant smile.

Severus felt a sinking in his chest as he continued to stare at Harry. Despite his protests, it was impossible to deny it. He fancied Harry. He was doomed.

“What’s up, Severus? These scones are for breakfast, but they’ll be ready in about a half hour if you’re hungry.” Severus wordlessly shook his head. “Are you alright? You look upset”

“I’m fine” the words were croaky. Severus cleared his throat, tried again. “I’m fine”

“Are you sure? Why don’t you sit down?” Harry abandoned his scone-making and went to Severus’ side. He wrapped an arm around Severus’ waist and guided him towards the table. “I’ll make tea”

“Yes. Tea” Severus felt as though his words were coming from far away. The feeling of Harry’s arm around his waist caused a thrill to pass through him. He was dizzy. Firmly, but gently, Harry pressed him into a chair.

Harry squatted in between Severus’ sprawled legs and looked up into his face. “Severus? You’re kind of scaring me. Did you get bad news or something?”. The green eyes searched Severus’, a worried wrinkle appearing in the middle of his forehead. “I think I’d better call Draco”

“No” Severus’ voice sounded unnaturally loud. “That’s…that’s not required. I’m fine, Harry, I just. My research, I-“

“What?” Through the haze of his foggy mind, Severus detected a change in Harry’s tone. Where previously, he’d sounded concerned, now he sounded…defensive. His chin was raised, and Severus remembered those eyes looking up at him at Hogwarts, defiant, angry that his secrets were being discovered.

Oh Merlin, his secrets…Suddenly, with a chill up his spine and a terrible certainty, Severus knew. “Harry. What did you do?”

Harry scrabbled backwards. “What? Nothing. What are you talking about?”

Over his growing unease, Severus found his centre, breathed, calmed. “Harry, what happened to your magic?”

“Nobody knows.”

“I think you know. Harry. It’s time to be honest with me” Severus was amazed that his voice sounded gentle.

Harry slumped into a chair and examined his hand for a very long time, tracing a scar on the top of his hand. Finally, he let out a huge sigh. “It was an accident”

“Tell me” It wasn’t a demand. Severus knew that in the past, his failings with Harry had been that he’d tried to force him to do things. Harry always did the right thing, but he needed to be able to choose to do so.

“After…well, after Voldemort, the first thing that I did was run to the Shrieking Shack. I hadn’t wanted to leave you when you gave me your memories, but time was running out, and I needed to kill Voldemort. But the first second I had when he was dead, all I could think about was getting back to you. I wanted to make sure that someone didn’t do anything to your body. I wanted you to be buried a hero.”

He paused, gave his hand a little rub and cast a pain filled gaze Severus’ way. “I was pretty surprised that you were still alive when I got back. Merlin, Severus, if I’d known you weren’t dead, I-“

“Of course, Harry, I know you would have. Don’t worry”

“So you were alive. But just barely. Gods, Severus, there was so much blood and you were barely breathing, and you coughed and there was more blood. I kind of panicked.”

Severus nodded at him, waiting for him to continue. “You were just laying there, and I didn’t think I would be able to apparate you without splinching you, and I called for help but nobody was around.” Severus could see that he was starting to get upset. His breath was coming in shallow gasps, and his eyes were wide. He placed a hand on Harry’s arm. “I was losing you. I was watching you die in front of my eyes. And then you stopped breathing”

Harry paused for a moment. He was looking off into the distance as he continued. “Honestly, Severus, it felt like the world stopped. It was as if a herd of Dementors were hovering over me. I felt so hopeless. We’d lost so many, and you’d made such a huge sacrifice. To lose you too, it just…well it was just unfair, you know? To be honest, I don’t really know what happened next. I could feel my magic reaching out, out of control. Kind of like that time in Dumbledore’s office, when I broke all of his stuff. Before I really knew what was happening, I was just sending my magic to you. And it helped. You gasped this huge breath, and your face got some of its colour back. But then, I couldn’t stop it. My magic kept pouring out of me, and into you. And then I passed out. When I woke up, I was exhausted, and for the first time since I got it, my wand felt like a harmless little stick. You were still unconscious, but you looked okay. I knew you’d be fine. I also knew that all holy hell would break loose if anyone found out what had happened. So I left. I walked back to the castle, and someone found me, and made me go to Pomphrey, and she cast about a million spells on me, but my magic was gone.”

Harry gave a funny little shrug and a ghost of a smile. “So now you know my big secret.”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?” Severus knew his voice sounded cold, but he was barely managing to keep his emotions in check. Firmly occluding, he plastered an expressionless mask on his face.

Harry gave a little chuckle. “I’m not as stupid as people think I am. I was the only person who knew your actual role in the war. If I’d told anyone what had happened before I was able to clear your name, you’d have been tortured, vilified more than you already were. Besides that, I knew that if you found out, you’d kill yourself trying to reverse it”

“You foolish boy. Of course we’re going to reverse it. Why would you do such a thing?” Severus welcomed the waves of temper. Anger was good, anger was a distraction from the confusing other emotions.

“How can you even ask such a thing?” Harry’s smile was fond. “How could I have left you there to die?”

Severus’ hand came down on the table with a bang, causing Harry to jump. “You fool! You utter fucking fool! It was all for you, it was my penance. Of course I was supposed to die, and you were supposed to live and go on and find the happiness that I robbed you of”

“But this is better! This way we both get to go on” Harry’s face was earnest and hopeful, a tiny smile on his lips as he struggled to make Severus understand.

“Is that what you call this? Going on? You, robbed of your magic and blundering along in the world without it? I would never have allowed this, and you know it. I would never have cursed you to this half life”

Something changed in Harry’s face then, shutters came down in his expressive eyes, but not before Severus could see a flash of hurt. “I should have known. A half life? For all your fancy words at not seeing me as something broken, something ruined, just because I gave my magic away…you don’t understand. You never will” Harry’s voice sounded empty, cold. The brash, foolhardy man had given up on him. After a few moments of silence, during which Severus longed to retract his earlier words, Harry looked up at him. “I think I’d like you to leave now. Draco will make arrangements to get your things to you.”

“Harry, I can’t. I can’t leave you here to your own devices, and I swore an unbreakable vow. I’d die on your doorstep”

“Oh.” Harry seemed to consider what to say to this. For a moment his eyes hardened, then softened again. “Alright. I’d forgotten that. I’ll go then. Draco can sort out the vow. He’s the one who got us into this mess.”

“Please” Severus was unprepared for the broken way the word escaped his mouth. “Harry, we can figure this out. I apo-“

“Don’t. Don’t apologize. You can’t help the way you feel, any more than I can. It’s not your fault.” Before Severus could entreat Harry to expand on his rather cryptic statement, he stood. “I’m going. I expect Draco’ll be here in the morning to sort things out”

He rose, and Severus heard him climb the stairs. The sound of raised voices occurred a few minutes later.

“I’m not leaving, Uncle Harry! I like it here, and I like Mister Snape!”

“Teddy, please. Please. Would it kill you cooperate for once in your life?”

“All I ever do is cooperate! I’m not leaving here, I’m not going with you!”

“Theodore Remus Lupin! If you think for a moment that I’m playing around, you’re mad. Get your arse off that bed and down the stairs! We’re leaving now!”

“What are you going to do about it if I don’t? You’re a crap Godfather, and you were a crap Wizard who got my parents killed and couldn’t even bother to hang on to your magic! I’m not going anywhere with you!”

There was an enormous bang then. Severus rushed up the stairs to intervene. Teddy wasn’t going to get away with speaking to Harry like that. When he reached the top of the stairs, he found Harry laying on his back in the hallway. Teddy’s door was closed. Severus rushed to Harry’s side where he was shaking his dead, appearing dazed. “His magic flung me out the door” he whispered. “I…I have to go. Severus, can you…”

“I’ll take care of Mister Lupin” Severus confirmed gravely. “But I wish you’d stay, Harry. I wish to speak to you”

“Please” the word communicated how tenuous Harry’s hold on his composure was. “I can’t. Not tonight. Please?”

“You’ll be okay?” With a shaky nod, Harry picked himself up and carefully made his way down the stairs. A moment later, Severus heard his van leave the driveway.

Severus didn’t bother to knock on the closed door in front of him. As he opened it, a sullen face turned his way. “Come to give me my punishment?” he asked glumly.

“Perhaps” Severus answered. “But first I’d like to talk. I can’t help but notice that you’ve been very angry with Harry over the past several weeks. Do you know why?”

“I don’t know” the boy confessed, allowing true pain to wash over his features. “I can’t seem to help myself. I love Uncle Harry, but I can’t help but be mean to him”

“Bullshite” Severus pronounced evenly. “I think you see Harry as weak. I think you’re angry about some of the circumstances of your life, and Harry is an easy scapegoat, because he loves you so much that he lets you away with your disrespect.”

“It isn’t fair.” The words were quiet, but Severus had no doubt that the boy believed them heartily. “Everyone else has a proper family. Everyone else has parents who can teach them magic. Everyone else has parents who can protect them”

Ah, Severus thought. “You’re frightened that Harry can’t keep you safe?”

“Everyone says that he was the most powerful Wizard who ever lived. All I see is someone who starts crying when I hide in a cupboard. I feel mad all the time, Mister Snape. What happens the next time Harry tries to make me do something, and I make all the knives in the kitchen fly at him? I can’t protect him from me. And he can’t protect me from me. Why isn’t anybody doing anything? It was different when my Gran was alive. She was the one in charge, and Uncle Harry was like this older brother or something. Now that he’s supposed to be my dad, I guess…I just worry all the time that I won’t be able to keep him safe”

“Mmm” Severus replied, a little noncommittally, but he was occupied, thinking about how any child made it to adulthood sane when forced to cope with such problems. Then again, most of the adults he spent any time with hadn’t had idillic childhoods. Perhaps there were some, somewhere. Maybe being a Wizard had something to do with it. Then again, the Weasleys didn’t seem to be too terribly off. They’d only had to cope with…no, they’d had their fair share as well. Dumbstruck, Severus listed off everyone he knew, one by one, cataloguing their childhood traumas. Finally, he came to Dominique Weasley and drew a sigh of relief. Without the threat of Voldemort picking off one’s parents left and right, there were some children who might escape unscathed.

“Mister Snape?”

“Hmm yes?” Severus replied absently.

“It’s just…you’ve been sitting here quite a while without saying something, and I was sort of counting on you being able to help me sort this out. Are you going mad too?”

“Harry’s not mad”

“He’s not normal”

Severus sighed. He was abysmal at reassuring children. Thank Merlin he wasn’t teaching any longer. “Normal is overrated, Mister Lupin. While I’ll admit that you’ve had some losses in your life to cope with, and yes, life truly isn’t fair, you’re not unsafe. Nothing has happened to yourself or to Harry since I’ve moved in.”

“You did almost kill Uncle Harry”

Severus waved his hand impatiently. “But I didn’t. My point is, you have two options. You can try to make some sort of peace with your complicated feelings about your Godfather, and have the most devoted parental figure you’re likely to find, or you may ask to be placed with different Guardians. I believe you’re related to Draco, aren’t you?”

“I suppose. I wish my Gran were alive. I wish my parents were alive”

“I wish you’d stop feeling sorry for yourself and seek out a solution to your problems instead of whining about them.”

“That’s not very nice”

“Indeed. Would you rather I be nice to you, or be helpful? As I recall, you haven’t really been responding well to Harry lately, and, say what you will about him, he’s very nice”

“I want to be alone”

“Very well. I’ll be downstairs if you need anything”
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