Pains and Contradictions

Warnings: One kind reviewer asked if this story was going to be gen or slash. Just so everyone is clear, let me again say that this story will be slash, meaning love/sex/romance between two men. If that offends you, the time to turn back is now.

Author's Notes: I apologize for the extreme lateness of this chapter. It was very difficult to write and writer's block had a stranglehold on me. Thanks to Laurenke1 and Torina Archelda for a wonderful beta. Thank you to all the lovely reviewers who have been so wonderful to share your thoughts and feelings on this story. I ask that you review this chapter, as it was a personal challenge to write.

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I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. Lamentations 3:19


Dumbledore lowered himself to a kneeling position in front of Remus and a very distraught Harry who still sitting on the library floor, book clutched to his chest.

"Harry?" Remus inquired inquisitively. "May I see that book, please?"

Harry looked up from where he had been staring off into nothing and allowing his imagination to run wild as thoughts of the power the information in this book could bring to Malfoy. He had barely noticed when the other two men had joined him. Finally registering what Remus had asked, Harry nodded and handed him the dark tome.

Remus took one look at the title before his face paled. His hands ran across the etching and he flipped the book open to a random page. As Harry had before, Remus skimmed the information in front of him before slamming it shut again, eyes lowered to the ground.

Dumbledore took the book from Remus who, despite being obviously shaken himself, lifted Harry up by his shoulders to stand beside the two other men. The headmaster had taken one look at the title, and apparently had no need to even open the book in order to know what was inside.

"This complicates matters somewhat," the headmaster said, sounding weary and much like the old man he was.

The man really could gloss over an elephant in the room, Harry thought. His eyes were narrowed and furious as he scoffed and addressed the headmaster. "Somewhat?"

Dumbledore looked up and met Harry's face which was growing more panicked by the moment. His breaths were coming faster and his fists were beginning to shake.

"Somewhat?!" Harry's face was growing red as he started to stammer. "What's wrong with the both of you? Why are you acting so calm? Why are we standing here just looking at this thing? He could still be within the wards, we have to go find him."

"And why would we do that, Harry?" the headmaster asked with a long-suffering sigh.

Harry looked at the man with something akin to rage on his face. "Why?! Do you know what's in this book? Do you know what Malfoy could do with it?"

Dumbledore only grew calmer as Harry grew more anxious. "Yes, Harry. I know exactly what is in that book; I have read it. But I see no good coming from tracking down Draco at this time."

"No good?" Harry's eyes steeled and his hands were fisted so tightly his skin had turned white. "How can you possibly even think of allowing him out of Hogwarts with this? Do you know what he could do?"

"Yes, Harry- " but he was cut off as Harry forcefully took the book away from the man and flipped open to a random page near the beginning.

"Look at this one here... 'to bind another wizard into sexual slavery and make your touch necessary for the continuation of his life... powdered unicorn horn, asphodel... all these ingredients are easy to come by. You wouldn't even need to search for them, they're all common enough to be found in an apothecary or Snape's own potions stores." Harry wiped his brow with his other hand, as sweat had begun to accumulate in his stress. "All you need to do is brew the potion and put two drops into the other wizard's drink and say the spell within a ten foot radius, and... instant sex slave!"

Remus put a hand on Harry's shoulder in an attempt to calm him down. Harry was in a wild panic and was turning the pages furiously as he searched for yet another example of how dangerous the situation was.

"And this one... 'to bind another's soul to yours in submission, to cause them physical pain if they are out of your presence for more than twelve hours..." Harry paused as his eyes scanned the page. "One vial of blood from the victim and one from the caster must be put in the potion... along with the forcibly taken semen from the victim.'" Harry looked up and squinted. "'Forcibly taken?' That means he'd have to rape Snape, right?"

Remus again tried to calm Harry down. "Harry, please..."

"And look at this one. At least this one doesn't involve slavery. 'To bind one's soul to another in closeness that even death would not separate you.' This one uses just a bit of saliva from the wizard to be bound and it only has to be done within thirty feet of his presence. The little shit doesn't even need to be in the same room with him! Do you know how easy it would be to procure Snape saliva? All you'd have to do is get him mad at you!"

"Harry, I insist you calm down. None of this is helping Severus," Dumbledore said in anger, clearly losing his patience with the younger man.

"And I should know. I've had Snape's spittle fly at me more than once. This would be the easiest one," Harry said, obviously not listening to a word either of the other men were saying.

Dumbledore forcefully took back the book from Harry, handing it to Remus, then grabbed both of his shoulders, forcing the young wizard to look at him. "Listen to me, Harry. You have to calm down. Panicking in this situation will not help anyone, least of all Severus. Do you wish him to see you like this? Do you wish to cause him more stress than he is already suffering?"

Harry looked into the wizened blue eyes of the headmaster and forced himself to calm down a bit. He ran a hand through his hair. "No. But we have to do something. This can't happen. That little ferret isn't going to lay a hand on Snape, I won't let him."

Both men were taken aback at the solemnity of Harry's words. Dumbledore had been hopeful that the truce that seemed to exist between the two former enemies would bring about some type of friendship, especially since they would be fighting alongside one another, but he was amazed at the anger and protectiveness Harry was exuding on Severus' behalf. While the headmaster was pleased to see this development, it would be to no one's benefit to have Harry destroy the delicate truce he had so recently cultivated with Draco Malfoy.

"Of course we won't allow Draco to harm Severus, Harry. That was the point of allowing him to use the library- to let us know what he was planning. I believe we can safely assume that this is the book he was looking for when he came to do research here. Now that we know what he aims to do there are measures we can take to prevent anything from happening to Severus."

Remus nodded. "If you've calmed down enough, Harry, we can speak with him now. He should know about this right away."

Dumbledore frowned. He visibly paused for a moment, and when he opened his mouth it was clear that he was speaking slowly, choosing his word with great care. "Actually... I see no reason as to why Severus needs to be informed of these developments."

Both Harry and Remus slowly turned their heads to look at the headmaster as if he had just grown a second head. Harry gave the headmaster a look that could melt steel. He had been furious before, but it had been aimed at Draco Malfoy. In an instant, all that rage was redirected at Dumbledore.

"Why not? This affects him... it directly affects him. This is his life we're standing around here talking about. His life that would be ruined should Malfoy get his dirty little hands on him. Why shouldn't we tell him?"

Remus gave Dumbledore a measured glance. "Indeed, Albus, why shouldn't we?"

Dumbledore sighed. "Would you really burden Severus with this information? The consequences of Draco attaining the knowledge in this book could be dire but Severus does not need to know exactly what he has found. We need only inform him that there is a threat so he may take the proper precautions."

The silence in the library was absolute. Both men looked at Dumbledore with shocked expressions, not believing what was coming from their beloved headmaster's mouth.

"We can simply tell Severus that Draco was looking at very dark protection spells. Such things do exist, Harry. There are spells so strong that a single touch to the affected person would cause unbearable pain. We can inform Severus that Draco concentrated his research on those more intense spells."

Remus was the first to break the stunned silence. "I can think of several faults in that plan, Albus, the first being that most the spells in the book require just what Harry said-- hair, or bodily fluids, and if Severus isn't informed of Draco's plans he won't know to be cautious in his comings and goings." Remus' voice grew more exasperated as he continued speaking. "For Merlin's sake, you just pulled a hair off his hair brush to use in polyjuice potion! How easy would it be for Draco to summon the same from his room and get to him that way?"

Dumbledore frowned. "I still think it's the perfect thing to tell him. Severus is already a very cautious man. I don't believe further vigilance is necessary."

Harry was looking at Dumbledore like he had never laid eyes on him before. It was the most piercing look he had ever directed at the professor. "Tell me something, Headmaster. Did you have this kind of strategy meeting when you made the decision not to tell me that Sirius was my godfather? Or not to tell me what was hidden in the Department of Mysteries when I was having those dreams? Did you call everyone who knew into your office to discuss what they would and would not be allowed to tell me?"

Dumbledore frowned at the implication. "Harry those situations were very different-"

"No, Albus," Remus said in an angry tone that was so unlike the man. "It's no different and the consequences would be no different either. That's not even counting the fact that Severus deserves to know what he's up against. After all he's done for us over the years, he deserves to know the truth about what's going on in his own life."

Harry nodded in agreement. "You said it yourself, sir, last year- Sirius might still be alive if you'd just told me what had been going on. You're doing the same thing again, trying to spare people from things they can't be spared from."

Harry could tell the exact moment when Dumbledore realized he could not win this fight. The man's face grew tumultuous for a second before resignation took over and he looked down. "I only wanted to keep him from suffering," the headmaster sighed. "Severus is a very private man, and after very nearly being imprisoned in the Death Eater trials at the end of the first war, he also values his freedom very highly. The idea that Draco would violate him in this way would terrify him; he would not rest until Draco has been deterred."

Harry nodded and his anger dissipated somewhat. He still couldn't believe that the headmaster had been about to lie to Snape, of all people. He took the book back from Remus and held it tightly, as though the headmaster would take it from him again.

Snape had the best chance of getting out of this situation if he was informed as quickly as possible. Harry didn't doubt that the headmaster could protect Snape, but he knew just from flipping through the pages that a great deal was at stake. Snape's life, freedom; his very soul was at risk from that evil little shit. There was no way Harry was letting him anywhere close to Snape.

Harry breathed deeply as he sought to calm himself as he thought of Malfoy again. The little sod had the nerve to say he was in love with Snape but then turned around to plan something so utterly selfish it was mind boggling. Harry had no experience with love, at least not the kind that Malfoy boasted for the Potions Master, but he knew that forcing someone into loving you was repulsive. Even though he had only known the Potions Master for a few days, he knew that the man valued his free will above all else. And Draco was planning to strip him of that and Harry couldn't imagine a worse fate for the man. That was assuming that Draco had only planned to use one of the tamer bonding spells and not the more malicious ones that Harry's mind was currently running through.

Harry nodded. "We should go tell him now." Harry voice was solid and certain as he turned around and walked toward the floo, not waiting to see if the two other men were following him.

***************

Harry, Lupin and Dumbledore came through the floo, waking Snape from his light slumber and causing the man to immediately tense. He knew that by now Draco would have left Hogwarts and the true nature of his research in the library would be known. The headmaster and Lupin were straight faced and solemn, which was no real surprise. He knew that whatever Draco had to have been looking for couldn't have been completely benign. But it was Harry's face that put him on guard. The young man looked like he was here to deliver Snape's death sentence.

"Merlin help you should you ever need to keep a straight face in a life or death situation, Potter."

Harry had the good sense to look ashamed for a moment. He was clutching a very large, old book to his chest, seemingly torn between protecting the tome and shielding the others in the room from it.

"Well," Snape said a bit exasperatedly, frustrated that the others were continuing to stare at him in silence.

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Harry here was good enough to find the book which Draco was actually looking for, Severus."

There was yet another awkward silence which only irritated Snape all the more. If he had been capable, he'd have grabbed the book from Harry's hands by now. But one look at the young man gave Snape pause; whatever Draco had been researching was enough to cause the brave young man in front of him great fear. An even greater feeling of trepidation came over Snape and he finally lost his patience.

"Well, get on with it, then. I'll not have you all staring at me like a man about to face execution. Show me the book."

Harry walked closer to Snape's bedside, his shoulders squared and looking a bit more sure of himself than he had been a moment ago. He looked Snape directly in the eye, giving him a look full of strength and certainty. Though he was certain it was meant to offer him some comfort, it only made the man's nervousness grow.

Harry turned the book over in his hands and Snape immediately saw the title.

He opened his mouth and promptly shut it. Suddenly, the fear in the young man's eyes earlier made perfect sense. A great sense of foreboding came over Snape and a chill ran through his entire being. He could remember only twice in his life when he had felt fear such as this; for one terrifying moment, the room around him seemed to spin, paralyzing horror pervading all his senses.

A very strange thing occurred in that instant. Trying and failing to form a coherent sentence, Snape simply lay there on the bed, eyes focused on the book in Harry's hands. Snape's usual sarcasm had left him, and he could do nothing but remain silent.

Harry cleared his throat after a full minute of tense quiet. "I guess you've read the book too."

Snape pulled his eyes away from the title and sharply met Harry's gaze. "No, Potter, I have not. However, I do have an extensive knowledge of the subject seeing as how I am already bonded to a very dark wizard."

Harry gave him a look Snape didn't quite understand. Snape sneered, his initial reaction to assume the look was one of pity. Meeting those eyes, and knowing what he had learned of Harry in the past few days, he knew it could be no such thing. The look he was on the receiving end of was one of complete knowledge and understanding and Snape knew that of all the people in this world, the young man standing in front of him was the only one who could possibly understand the fear that Snape was feeling. After all, Harry was bound to the Dark Lord as well though through no fault of his own. Snape's bond had formed due to his own arrogance and stupidity.

Snape looked away. Looks like the one Harry was directing at him were not meant for men such as he. He had no right to be taking any kind of comfort or sympathy from this young man. He reminded himself again that he had already taken all the comfort and pleasure that he would allow himself to receive from the person who had saved his life. Though his head was turned away, he could still picture Harry's hands grasping the dark tome; hands that had recently touched Snape's so sensually that he could still vividly feel those calloused hands on his own days later. He curled his right hand into a weak fist and refused to take advantage of Harry again. Instead he directed his gaze at the cover of the dark leather book, trying not to acknowledge the tight grip of fear grasping his neck and making it suddenly difficult to breathe.

"Look at me," Harry said sternly, and Snape obeyed without thought. "He's not going to touch you. I won't let him. He'll have to get through me first and I'm not about to allow that little shit anywhere near you. I swear it."

Snape opened his mouth and then shut it again with an audible click. He tried to form some sort of witty, sarcastic retort to that but failed. The words that came out of Harry's mouth rang with a certain solemnity. He'd had the headmaster's protection since he had come to Hogwarts to be the Order's spy all those years ago, and Albus had always been there for him. But he had never heard a promise like the one he had just heard from Harry, nor had he ever had such a fierce protector. Harry's words and the look in his eyes conveyed a willingness to sacrifice for Snape's sake that was completely alien to him. He felt completely out of his element, completely torn open, and was disconcerted to realize that all of this was showing on his face.

Snape looked away again. He was saved from the awful silence that had taken over the room in the absence of his usual vitriol when Dumbledore cleared his throat and finally spoke, pulling the occupants of the infirmary out of the trance they had been under.

"We will do everything we can to protect you of course, Severus. I think you should be relatively safe for the rest of the summer and after that we'll have to make special precautions if Draco returns for the school year."

Harry snorted. "Of course he'll be coming back. He thinks he's actually in love with Snape, he'll want to be close by. Plus he'll have plenty of chances to cast one of these horrible spells on him," he said, hugging the book toward him slightly as if he could protect Snape just by keeping it away from him.

Harry began to pace around Snape's bed, book still in his arms. "What I still don't understand is why we're not going after him now. I know that we're supposed to get him to trust me, and I suppose he does a bit if he came to me for this but... We know what he's after now. It's not as if he's going to come to me and say, 'Oh, hey, Potter, want to help me make Snape my bonded slave?'"

Snape closed his eyes for a moment and barely concealed a shudder at Harry's last words.

"Harry's that's enough," Lupin said quietly.

That was all that was required to quiet Harry. He deflated and looked over at Snape again, muttering a soft, "I'm sorry."

Snape cleared his throat and spoke for the first time in what felt like an eternity. "I realize that you have all the patience of a six year old on Christmas morning, Potter, but I'm afraid you're going to have to make an attempt in this situation. The headmaster is correct. Draco may be planning on casting one of those... spells on me, but having him believe that there's a truce between the two of you will still be to our advantage." Harry opened his mouth to speak, but Snape held up a shaky hand in protest before he could get a word out. "I don't mean that he'll ask you to help him enslave me, but he may reveal other information. He may ask you to secure a spot in detention, or he'll ask you as to my whereabouts. We have no idea what he may ask of you or reveal but we cannot lose our only source of information. I'm afraid you're going to have to become very good at deception."

Harry looked completely defeated for just a moment before the expression passed from his face and a look of determination replaced it. He nodded and sat down in the chair next to Snape's bed. Snape immediately held out his arm to take the book from him. Harry looked from the book to Snape's arm and back as if the thing were going to try to bite it off.

"It's only a book, Potter."

Harry shook his head. "It's evil."

"It's an inanimate object. It has no moral code, I assure you." Snape reached out to take the large tome from Harry's hands and had to make an effort to conceal a grunt. "In addition to it not being menacing on its own, I doubt all of the bonds mentioned in this book are what would be considered 'evil.'"

Harry frowned at that and his eyes passed over the book again as if it were about start spewing hatred towards muggleborns and puppies. He carefully placed the book in Snape's arms, helping him to steady it. "I really doubt that. I just read through a few pages of the book and that was enough to make me to want to kill Malfoy with my bare hands."

Snape was once again silenced by Harry's overwhelming sense of protectiveness of him, but knew better than to dwell on it. Instead he looked at the book in his lap for a moment before opening it. "The definition of what is considered dark is subjective, Potter, and does not always connotate evil. Not all of these bonds necessarily cause any harm to the participants, at any rate. They could have simply been categorized as dark because they do not require consent. It is entirely possible, however unlikely, that Draco has indeed found a bond that would result in naught but the protection of my person."

Harry hardly seemed appeased; in fact, he seemed more fearful than ever. "Even if the bond doesn't hurt you, you'd still be bound to Malfoy. Maybe the bond itself would be harmless, but I'm sure Malfoy'd find a way to twist it into something to gain power over you. He covered his tracks because even he knows it's wrong."

"Of that I have no doubt. Though I greatly distrust the assumption that his intentions are so innocent. Whatever Draco has planned, he'll use any power he can possibly gain to contort my will to his own purposes. And I cannot allow that to happen." He looked at the book with a sense of great determination. "I will not be bound to another again. Not if I can help it."

"You won't." Harry looked up from the spot on the floor he had been looking at as he again met Snape's eyes. Once again, Snape had to look away at the intensity that shone in them.

He looked around to meet the troubled gazes of Lupin and the headmaster when, out of the corner of his eye, he saw that the infirmary doors were not entirely closed. A chill ran down his spine as he realized that the unwarded infirmary was hardly a safe place; neither to have the discussion they were in the middle of, nor for him to recover when Draco could appear to set his plan in action at any time.

"I must return to my quarters," Snape said as he began to attempt to sit, pulling himself up with great difficultly. Harry came over and tried to help him but he swatted him away. "As I believe I have already mentioned, Potter, I am not some invalid who needs to be carried about."

Harry scoffed and helped Snape to sit up, one strong arm going around his back to wrap around his side. "No, of course not. You're perfectly fine. You just can't stand up straight," Harry muttered, so quietly that Snape almost didn't hear him. He tried to gather the energy to glare at him but focused on retrieving his wand from the bedclothes instead. After watching Snape struggle to pick his wand up off the bed for a few moments, Harry swatted his hand away and picked it up himself.

Snape tried to snap at him, really he did. But as he had been few hours ago, he was completely and utterly distracted by the deceptively strong arm around his body. It shouldn't feel so incredible to have Harry wrapped around him. It shouldn't feel so completely perfect to feel the strength of someone as pure as Harry caring for him, helping him without even being asked. He knew without a doubt that he was setting himself up for an incredible fall simply by allowing Harry to hold him like he was, but he could not help himself. He probably didn't even realize what he was doing- holding Snape so tenderly, in a way that no one had ever held him before. Such a simple thing, to help someone up- and yet Snape had never experienced it before in his life. Snide comments cast aside, he simply concentrated on struggling not to allow his face to betray his emotions as Harry helped him to first sit up and then stand on shaking legs next to his bed.

A moment after his feet hit the floor, a welcome distraction in the form of Poppy came bounding into the room. She had her wand out and was scanning the room as though she was expecting Death Eaters to be ransacking the place. Finding none, she turned to Snape's bed and looked shocked and then angry at the sight of Snape standing up, wrapped in Harry's arms.

"Decided to go for a short walk around the infirmary, Severus?" the mediwitch asked, tapping her foot like the annoyed matron she was. Seeing the look of confusion on Harry's face, she answered his unspoken question; "I charmed the bed to let me know if he tried to escape."

Dumbledore, and had been watching Harry and Snape silently, spoke up first. "Poppy, Severus has decided to return to his quarters and I concur with his wishes. His quarters are well warded and he would be much safer there than in the openness of the infirmary."

Poppy huffed and replied, her tone churning with exasperation, "The infirmary is perfectly safe, Albus, and besides that Severus is not well enough to leave. He's in need of nearly constant care-"

Snape cut her off with a snarl. Holding on to Harry more tightly, he exclaimed, "For the last time woman, I am not a cripple, nor a mental incompetent who would allow others to speak of him as though he were not present! I will return to my rooms forthwith and if you are extremely fortunate, I may allow you inside to check on my recovery."

That short tirade had been enough to exhaust Snape, and he slumped forward a bit. It was only Harry's quick movement that saved him from completely making an arse out of himself, especially considering that he had been making the case that his strength was being underestimated just seconds ago. Harry's grip was like a vice on his waist and Snape was completely aware of how warm and strong the arm holding him was. He leaned on Harry just a bit more as he sought to catch his breath.

Any kindness that had been on Poppy's face immediately left it. She cocked an eyebrow and whispered harshly, "Fortunate? I would be fortunate to be allowed to help you?"

Lupin cleared his throat and took a step forward, addressing the mediwitch. "Poppy, please, you've known Severus for more than half his life. You know how he hates to admit he needs help."

Snape snapped his head at Lupin and glared, but before he could say something about not needing any assistance from werewolves in fending off meddlesome mediwitches, Poppy was speaking again.

"I know well enough, but that does not excuse this kind of rude behavior. I'll remind you, Severus, that it is not part of my job description to help spies recover after they were injured in the line of duty by Death Eaters." Her eyes were as cold as Snape had ever seen them. This reaction was unexpected.

Realizing that perhaps he had gone too far in his criticism of the woman who truly had helped him when no other help had been available, Snape quickly switched gears. Though he was confident in his abilities, he did not have all the skills that Poppy possessed in regards to the treatment of his injury. Still standing on feet that were growing weaker by the moment, he moved his arm to grip Harry's shoulder, who so far had said nothing in his argument with Poppy.

Thinking this was completely out of character for the willful young man, he chanced a sideways glance at Harry. His eyebrows were raised and he looked a bit sheepish. He cocked his chin at Snape as if to say, 'well go on, now. You messed it up; you'd better fix it.'

Snape sighed and addressed Poppy again. "Poppy," he started slowly, having very little practice in explaining his actions, "circumstances have changed. We've just learned there is a new threat against my person. I truly feel that my place is in the dungeons." She looked back at him as if what he had said was too little, too late so Snape put his pride aside and uttered words which did not come naturally to him.

"I apologize for my rudeness."

Poppy nodded a bit but did not seem appeased.

The time spent on his feet began to take its toll and Snape's breathing escalated somewhat, his face paling as he began to lose his grip on Harry's waist. He felt the young man hold him tighter, pulling him even further into the warm heat of his body. He heard Harry say, "I'll stay with him, help him with the little things, Madam Pomfrey. You won't have to do much, I'll make sure he's alright."

Before Snape could protest or ask Harry if he had completely taken leave of his senses, he was being half carried to the fireplace. Harry took some floo powder in his hand and said, "Will your wards let me in if I'm with you?"

Snape nodded and took the powder in his hand, watching as half of it slipped through his fingers. Using all his remaining strength he called out, "Snape's quarters, Hogwarts," and tried to hang on as Harry almost leapt into the floo.

*************

Harry must have been the clumsiest person he'd ever had to pleasure of falling on top of, Snape thought, as he and the young man in question came barreling through the floo. Snape usually exited hearths with no less grace than he exuded as he walked into a room. Harry, it seemed, exited a floo as though the thing was spitting out luke-warm tea. Harry seemed to have realized this would happen and had tucked his body under Snape's to shield his fall, which led to Snape being pillowed comfortably on top of the young wizard and truly unable to get up. He refused to admit that had he been capable of rising, he still might have stayed exactly where he was.

"Er, sorry, Professor. I don't seem to have much luck when it comes to flooing," Harry said as he slowly sat up, bringing Snape with him. He helped him up into a sitting position, Snape's back against Harry's chest.

Snape closed his eyes. For just a moment, he allowed himself to simply feel the young man next to him breathing. He allowed himself to imagine what the sound of his heartbeat would feel like if there wasn't so much clothing between them. He memorized the feel and the heat that Harry gave off before forcing himself to think this through.

He couldn't do this. He would not allow his weakness to add to his sins. He'd already done too much, accepted too much of what Harry offered him. In his damned weakness he'd allowed the young man to help him, to keep him company, and worst of all, to care for him. He could see Harry taking in his sitting room setting, looking for all the world as if he belonged there. In an instant, Snape saw where this path led and he made his decision.

"Get out."

Snape tried to use the remaining strength in his arms to pick himself up but found he had none. He truly hated Lucius Malfoy with every fiber of his being at that moment. He had never felt this helpless in his entire life. He might not be the most muscular or fittest of men but he could tell his body what to do and it would obey. He'd never been in a situation where he had ordered his flesh to complete a very ordinary task and found it incapable of complying. The fact that this was all happening in front of Harry in particular only made the situation more horrifying. Accepting help from Dumbledore was one thing; the man had seen him at his worst many times. But he had no desire to seem pitiful to Harry. He didn't think he could stand it.

He strained to turn his head around without jostling his body. He could barely make out Harry's profile in his peripheral vision but what he saw shocked him. He'd expected Harry to react in anger or a sense of betrayal but Harry's look was one of outright shock and fear.

"What?"

Snape's scoff at that was completely honest, at least. "I said, get out. Leave, Potter and take your self-righteous pity with you."

Snape's usual attitude was difficult to pull off still sitting basically on top of the young man, but he was a master of contempt and his years of experience served him well in this. He needed Harry to leave as quickly as possible. He could not fathom the utter torture it would be to endure his presence, to have him so close, and to have full knowledge that he not only could never have him, but that he did not deserve him.

Harry moved his body away from Snape's and the man fell a bit before arms that looked far too thin to be as strong as they were caught him and he was forced to meet the eyes of his tormentor.

"Damn you," Harry said, with all the malice and anger he might have held for Snape a week ago. Snape had no idea why Harry was so upset and had to work to keep a straight face and not raise an eyebrow at the angry tone.

"You need help and I'm the one who's going to give it to you. Just me, alright? No one else is ever going to have to see you like this, I promise." Harry looked down for a moment and thought to himself before addressing Snape again. "I wouldn't want anyone else to ever see you like this."

Snape couldn't help the eyebrow that nearly leapt off his forehead at that statement. Knowing only that he needed Harry's arms to pull away from him that minute, he fought against the young man's grasp as well as he could, this time falling before he could be caught, his head meeting the floor with a loud thud.

"Shit," Harry swore. "I don't know why I thought that you'd suddenly stop being such a stubborn bastard just because..." Harry trailed off. Snape was busy pretending that it hadn't hurt to have his head connect with the hard stone and glowered at Harry.

"Because of what exactly, Potter? What poorly thought out and badly constructed idea is floating around in that underdeveloped brain of yours?" Snape sneered.

Harry's face was twisted in anger but he seemed to force himself not to speak his mind. "You need help. I seriously doubt you're really going to let Remus or Dumbledore in here to help you the way you need it and besides they're both way too busy..."

Snape interrupted him with a loud bark, "I do not need your help! Nor do I need anyone visiting me aside from Poppy once or twice a day to monitor my recovery, which is the only thing I cannot do on my own. I am a wizard, Potter and perfectly-"

"Yeah, perfectly capable of levitation and drying charms, I know. But what, you're going to just float everywhere? Summon everything? What if something were to happen to you? What if someone were able to break your wards or come through the floo? You need someone to help you."

Snape rose an eyebrow at Harry's words. It didn't sound as if Harry were attempting to burst into his life for just the evening. He sounded as if he wanted to stay for at least as long as it took for him to recover. Knowing that would be a month or more, his eyes widened a fraction at the thought of what having Harry in his life for that long would do to him. He'd never experienced positive companionship with anyone for that long. The longest he'd ever had a friend was in his youth, but his relationship with Lily had been completely platonic. He fought every desire he felt, forcing himself to refrain from considering any feelings he had for the young man in front of him aside from gratitude. Harry couldn't be allowed to traipse into his life and destroy him, and then leave without a thought to the havoc he had wreaked. He'd never be able to survive such an assault. Snape would have to endure every day of that month with Harry smiling at him and being kind to him and Merlin forbid, perhaps even holding his hand again, and he knew there would be no surviving it.

"Get... out. I do not want you here. Your presence is undesirable and I have no need of you. Now leave before I forget myself and let me assure you, Potter, that while my body may be broken, I am more than capable of removing you from my quarters." Snape took the wand that had landed near Harry's hand and aimed it rather pathetically at him. To his credit, Harry didn't laugh.

He yelled instead. "Stop it! I know what you're doing. Exactly how stupid do you think I am? Do you think I haven't noticed what's been going on? What's happened..." he waved a hand between the two of them and continued, "in just the last few days?"

Snape shook his head. He would not be pulled into this argument. He backed up on his elbows a few inches until he could go no more. Breathing heavily, he noticed that he was being pulled up by his arms and half dragged, half carried to the floor next to his sofa, where he was propped up against it like a broom handle. Harry sat next to him on the floor, turning his head to meet Snape's gaze.

"I'm not leaving you, alright? I'm staying right here until you've recovered. I won't let you be hurt and I won't let Malfoy get anywhere near you."

"You arrogant little-," Snape cut himself off, beyond furious. The look of disgust on Snape's face was completely genuine. "Do you really think that you would be able to protect me against fully trained dark wizards should they choose to come here to kill me? Are you so conceited as to truly believe that or have you finally gone insane from delusions of grandeur?"

Harry shook his head, his anger growing by the minute. "It's not a matter of whether or not I'll be able to help you, it's matter of... standing by you. Of not letting you face this alone. I won't do that."

Snape scoffed and tried to summon all his anger, all the righteous indignation he felt at the situation he currently found himself in. "Whatever you think you feel for me, Potter, is a simple emotional reaction to the fact that I was the only person with you in your time of crisis. If it had been Lupin..."

"I told Remus that I wouldn't let that little ferret lay a hand on you!" Harry put his face in his hands for a moment before he looked up and screamed at the top of his lungs, "You told me about the worst moment of your life! You told me the worst thing you'd ever done! You didn't lie to me; you were completely honest. And more than that, you helped me in a way that no one else possibly could have. Don't you understand that you miserable bastard?" Harry was screaming inches away from his face and Snape knew that were it not for the fact that he could not move his head properly, the young man would be pacing in front of his fireplace as he was wont to do when upset.

"Stupid boy. Do I have to repeat everything I tell you, Potter?" Snape leaned closer, his voice deadly quiet. "None of this has anything to do with you." He straightened up as well as he could and said, "You still believe in all of this fate tripe don't you? Think it's all out of your hands, Potter? That you have no choice but to protect me? Do you think of me as your hero's burden- some task that's must be completed?"

"No!"

"Well, let me tell you something, you insolent little brat. You think you know me? You think you've found a kindred spirit?" Snape sneered. "You know nothing about me and should pray to any deity you choose that you never do."

"Bullshit," Harry yelled, only drawing closer to Snape's face. "I may not know your favorite color or how you take your tea, but I know about the worst mistake of your life. I know that you're the only person who knows what that fucking... horrible... " Harry choked on his words as angry tears poured from his eyes and a sob caught in his throat. "That awful feeling that we have." Snape scoffed and rolled his eyes as best he could. "Yes, we!" Harry exclaimed , glaring at him. "I know what that feels like and so do you."

"We are nothing alike, Potter, and be thankful for that! I would not ask you to ever suffer my company or endure my presence!" Snape was growing agitated and he longed for Harry to leave, to just go and leave him to his seclusion. He'd known solitude all his adult life. It was comfortable and something he had come to accept long ago. Whatever... this was with Harry was the worst kind of torture. "You should not be so eager to be around me, Potter. You find yourself grateful to me? Me, who killed your parents, who led the Dark Lord straight to them? Does the headmaster have reason to fear your sanity?"

"None of that matters now! You've tried to fix it, you've done good. You had your forgiveness before you ever requested it!"

"Foolish boy, you should hate me-"

"Then why do I only ever feel any kind of peace, any kind of sanity, when I'm with you?"

The room went completely silent. Snape watched as impossibly green eyes went wide as he realized exactly what he had just said, what he had just confessed. A single tear fell from the corner of his eye behind the round-rimmed glasses, and Snape followed it with his gaze as it made a trail down Harry's cheek. He looked back up at the eyes of the young man who was startled, it seemed, by his own confession. Harry took a deep breath and put his head down, rubbing his face with the back of his hand. When he spoke again, it was in an almost defeated tone.

"Why, Snape?" he repeated. "Why is it that I only feel peace when I'm with you?" Harry met his eyes with a determination that Snape couldn't help but be amazed at. He forced himself to keep the young man's gaze this time, not willing to look away.

Harry sniffled. "You know I meant what I said yesterday. I know it was unfair to Remus, but I really did pretend it was you at the graveyard. I think I would have broken down completely if I hadn't felt you there beside me. Why is that?"

Snape was beyond speech at that moment. All he could do was shake his head and try not to look as awed and horrified as he felt.

Harry looked away first this time. He stared at his hands a moment before clearing his throat. "Look. If you won't let me stay for your sake, then let me stay for mine. It should be fairly obvious by now... What with all the time I spent in the infirmary... " Harry lowered his head further and said in a small voice, "You're the only one who understands all this." Harry swept his arm around in an encompassing loop and let out a hysterical sob. "I haven't even been able to mourn my best friend yet. The only time I feel like it might be... safe to let myself... is when I'm with you."

Snape was looking at the top of Harry's head as he said this, as the young man was still looking down in an effort to avoid his gaze.

"Please."

And that was really all it took. There was no way Snape could deny Harry anything, it seemed. The battle was over with one uttered word, unwittingly spoken by the beautiful young man sitting in front of him. Knowing that this would surely lead to his own destruction, still Snape offered up one more sacrifice for Harry. This one wouldn't require him to kneel in front of a madman or suffer torture, but seeing Harry every day... Living in such close contact with him, watching these maddeningly unexplainable feelings grow each day, and knowing that nothing could ever come of it...

"Alright."

Harry looked up and smiled.

Gods.

Snape knew that there would be no escaping this. He would just have to endure as well as he could and try his best to keep Harry at arm's length. Being cruel to the young man would only cause him more pain at this juncture, and he couldn't stand the thought of causing him to suffer more.

Harry rose to a crouching position and pulled Snape up on the couch, one arm around his waist and another around his shoulders.

Snape tried to summon some feeling of displeasure at this action, but failed. "Do try to limit carrying me around like a rag doll, Potter."

Harry laughed and sat on the opposite side of the couch. "Alright. What would you like to do now?"

Snape leaned back into the comfortable cushions of his sofa. "I suppose enjoying some peace and quiet for a while would be a bit much to ask?"

Harry laughed again and shook his head. "No, actually that sounds like a good idea."

They sat on the couch in Snape's sitting room, both watching the fire, one taking great comfort in the kinship present and the other lamenting it.

******************

Harry sat on the couch in Snape's sitting room, idly staring at the fire and running his mind over what had happened a few hours ago. It was after sunset now, past dinner. Remus would be curled up in a room somewhere like he had during Harry's third year on the full moon. He had thought to go find his friend, but knew that whether or not Remus took his potion, it wasn't a good idea to go looking for a werewolf. That left Harry where he was currently sitting.

He and Snape had enjoyed an hour of comfortable silence, sitting and watching as the flames danced about the fireplace. Harry smiled as he thought of how nice the silence had been, how comforting. It had been exactly what he needed and somehow Snape had known to give it to him.

After, Snape had rested enough to be able to half-walk to his bedroom, again using Harry as a cane to lean upon. He'd helped the man to his bed with only minimal muttering and protests. When he'd come out of the bedroom, he found a pillow and blanket laying on the couch. It seemed the headmaster had sent the house elves to make sure he was comfortable. He relaxed, glad he wasn't going to have to have the same fight with Dumbledore that he'd just had with Snape.

Harry relaxed into the comfortable cushions of the large brown couch he was sitting on and allowed himself to survey Snape's sitting room. The wooden door was on the same wall as the fireplace he was facing. There was a straight-backed chair to the right of the couch with a table to its right. Behind him was a large desk, and lining the walls were shelf after shelf of old books. There were very few personal effects and the mantle was bare.

It was a surprisingly comfortable yet obviously masculine room. Harry had felt instantly at home here, which only furthered the feeling of comfort he was currently enjoying. He leaned back in the sofa and relaxed in the amazing sense of peace he felt just being in the Potions Master's quarters; simply knowing that the man was just beyond the door to his right gave him great comfort.

After a moment, Harry rose from his warm spot on the couch and walked over to the bookshelf. His fingers lightly traced the spines of the old books, recogonizing few. He walked the room slightly perusing the library until he came to a small table in a dark corner that he had not noticed before. The table was very small and was completely taken up by a chess board. The board itself looked odd; it almost seemed to glow. The pieces closest to Harry were of the purest white; the ones near the wall deepest black. He noticed that the pieces were already in play, several of them had been cut down. He could still make out the clean part of the board where the pawn had stood prior to its demise.

Harry wiped a finger through the mess of dust and looked down at his hand. The dust was white and pale; Harry rubbed it between his fingers. He looked at the chessboard again; such a harmless object yet it brought back so many memories that he struggled to keep at bay.

Except he didn't have to keep them at bay any longer. Here, in Snape's rooms, he realized, there were no prying eyes to keep him from allowing his feelings to the surface- no Dursleys, no Malfoy, no manipulative headmaster or mourning friends he had to hide his feelings from. It was a surprising relief to Harry to allow the thoughts that had been lingering on the edge of his mind for days to come.

He'd been ignoring all of this for far too long. It had been four days since Ron's death. Four days since his entire world had changed and he had learned who Snape truly was, and four days of telling himself that it wasn't yet time for him to mourn. He'd been ignoring his own feelings to concentrate on one crisis or another; he'd put his own pain aside to comfort Remus and Hermione. He scoffed and thought of what Snape would have to say about that. Turning away from the chessboard, he walked over to Snape's couch, beginning to feel the walls he'd built crash down around him. Harry ran a shaky hand through his hair and knew that he could ignore all of this no longer.

He sat on left side of the sofa, and imagined he could feel the body heat Snape had given off earlier still lingering. He allowed himself to sink into the soft fabric, trying surround himself with the presence of the man in the other room. He ran a hand over his face and felt his body shudder as he gave in to what was coming. He started to think of things he'd refused to consider for days now. He ceased to allow himself to live and breath the lie that he was fine and allowed those horrible images of his best friend to come. Though it had hardly snuck up on him, he flinched as the image of Ron's body and that awful dream with his horribly dead eyes was brought to the forefront of his mind. He remembered how Snape told him he couldn't blame himself and how difficult it had been to accept that until the Potions Master had given him his own confession. He crossed his arms like a shield over his chest as a steady stream of tears began to fall. His eyes blurred as he remembered Malfoy's false condolences and the charade he'd had to play just to attend Ron's funeral.

Harry closed his eyes and winced as he saw the image of Ron's coffin and the too-still body that had been masquerading as his friend burned itself the back of his eyelids. He didn't even try to stop it as his mind replayed all the words that had been said that afternoon and how Hermione had wept so openly under the sycamore tree.

No longer forcing himself to hold back, Harry put his face in his hands and began to sob. Not the gentle, single droplets that had been trailing down his cheeks for the past few days nor the furious, angry weeping that he had thrown at Snape on the train, but completely unrestrained tears. He subconsciously began to rock back and forth, his body instinctively seeking comfort any way it could.

He sobbed louder and louder until finally he screamed aloud, his grief so heavy it felt like a tangible thing; all he could think of were the things Ron would never have the chance to do, everything his best friend would miss out on. Every moment of Harry's life that Ron wouldn't be there for.

Sitting on the couch in Snape's living room, Harry finally felt safe enough to express his grief at the loss of his best friend. He screamed until his voice was raw, sobbing and shaking until he was exhausted. He allowed himself complete freedom to mourn as his thoughts ran over every moment, every word, every experience he'd ever shared with Ron.

Harry wept.

Nestled into the cushions of Snape's couch Harry wrapped his arms around himself and let his sobs slowly subside as he fell into a weary sleep.