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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24087 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

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Lost and Damned

Try to Make You See My Side

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James Potter was not the man Harry once thought he was.

That fact had left Harry feeling oddly empty and confused, as though everything he was and everything he had known was a lie. He hadn‘t been able to sleep that night leaving Snape‘s office…All he could think about was the scene he had seen in Snape‘s Pensive…His father and Sirius bullying Snape…Humiliating him in front of the whole school. It made him sick to his stomach…He knew exactly what it was like, to be embarrassed in the middle of a circle of onlookers. He knew exactly how Snape felt as his father taunted him. Worst of it all, it appeared that James Potter was every bit as arrogant as Snape had always told him.

For the first time in his life, Harry was ashamed of being James Potter‘s son. He felt his stomach twist, recalling every time anyone had ever compared him to his father. Even worse was knowing it was a hard fact to dispute after what he had done. Perhaps he hadn‘t teased Malfoy in front of the entire school, but he had shoved a very painful subject into Malfoy‘s face. He had hurt the other boy and he had taken a small pleasure in it. Harry was remorseful, sure, but somehow it didn‘t seem like it was enough. Especially not seeing the sort of bully his father had been.

Snape seemed horrified as they had pulled out of the Pensive, as though he hadn‘t been thinking about the whole thing while he had done it and was only just realizing what he had done. He looked shaken, nearly as upset as Malfoy had been as he ran towards the castle. Snape ordered Harry out and all Harry had been able to do was to lie wide awake in bed, remembering everything he saw.

Lily had stepped in, Harry recalled. His mother had been decent. She had tried to defend Snape against James, but he couldn’t help but to think of that look of utter disgust Lily had thrown at James, like he was the scum of the Earth. How had they even ended up together?! Had he cursed her? Harry cringed at the thought, but it was hard to know what to think about his father now. It was so hard to understand that his father had been that way, that his godfather had been that way…Two men he had looked up to and now Harry hardly knew how to feel about them.

Harry had no idea how he was going to face Snape, but luckily he had the weekend and Harry would only have to face him that night during their private lessons…If Snape even let him in. After Dumbledore‘s interference, Harry doubted he would end them for good, though he found he wouldn‘t blame Snape too much if he didn‘t want to see him at all that weekend. Harry himself was reluctant to face the man with what he now knew.

What was more important than that, though, was apologizing to Malfoy. Maybe the boy had been awful to him almost since he arrived to school, but he didn‘t deserve what Harry had done to him and Harry knew he needed to make amends. Whether it changed anything with Snape or with Malfoy didn‘t matter, but Harry knew he owed it to the boy and he was determined to do so. The hardest part was figuring out what to say and actually being able to find Malfoy and get him alone long enough to say his piece.

During breakfast in the Great Hall, Harry found his eyes wandering to the Slytherin table every so often, though he didn‘t see Draco Malfoy anywhere. He first looked to where Crabbe, Goyle, and Pansy Parkinson sat, since he was usually with them. No Malfoy. He turned to another group of Malfoy‘s other friends…Blaise Zabini, Theodore Nott, and Daphne and Astoria Greengrass. No Malfoy. His eyes scanned over the whole table thoroughly. No Malfoy. He turned away several times, when Theodore and Daphne gave him strange looks and he panicked when he heard Pansy‘s loud cackle…Harry swore he could feel familiar black eyes glaring into him, though Harry was too afraid to look up at the staff table.

“Harry?”

“You okay, mate?”

Harry quickly looked away from the Slytherin table and put on his best look of confusion as he turned to Ron and Hermione. “Yeah?”

“You keep looking at the Slytherins. They‘re not singing again, are they?” Ron asked nervously, turning pink.

“I don‘t hear them,” Hermione said frowning.

Harry mentally scolded himself for being so obvious, but he found it hard to worry about it too much right now. “Either of you seen Malfoy this morning?” he asked quietly.

“Malfoy?!” Ron demanded too loudly for Harry‘s liking and he cringed and hissed, “Shhhhh!” A few of their classmates turned to glance at them and Harry hoped they didn‘t think much of it.

“No,” Hermione replied calmly, looking concerned. “Did something happen?”

“You could say that,” Harry sighed, glancing back up and hurriedly back down when he caught Zabini‘s eye.

“Oh Merlin, what did he do now?” growled Ron.

“It‘s not so much what he did,” Harry muttered. Before either of them asked, Harry stood up. “I‘ll see you later. I have something I need to do.”

He had no idea where to look, but he had a pretty good idea of where to start. The corridors were mostly empty and he was grateful for that as he headed down to the dungeons. He couldn‘t exactly get into the Slytherin common rooms, but he figured the bathrooms would be safe to check and he could linger about and hope Malfoy came around soon. He couldn‘t stay cooped up in the common room all day, could he?

Harry ducked into the boy‘s restroom, which was empty and checked Snape‘s empty classroom and office with no luck. He made sure to pass slowly by the portrait to the Slytherin common room at least three times as he walked around, checking in different rooms, more and more disappointed at every failed attempt. Malfoy always seemed to be around when Harry didn‘t want him, but the one time Harry wanted to see the blond and he was nowhere to be found. Just great. Harry sighed and wondered if maybe owling him might have been a better plan.

“Oooh look. If it isn‘t Potter! Why am I not surprised?”

Harry turned around and sighed heavily when he saw Blaise Zabini approaching him, flanked by Crabbe and Goyle with Pansy Parkinson trailing behind them, giggling. Harry immediately grasped his wand as a precautionary measure, eying the group warily.

“We saw you watching us, Potter,” Zabini went on.

“Maybe he likes us,” Pansy giggled.

“Not really sure what‘s so likeable about you lot,” Harry muttered.

“So what are you doing down here, Potter?” Zabini asked, holding his own wand loosely in his hand. On either side of him, Crabbe and Goyle smirked and snickered and cracked their knuckles.

“I hear he‘s in Remedial Potions,” Pansy said, skipping around the boys to come around Harry. Harry gripped his wand more tightly and swallowed hard. He had nearly forgotten his usual excuse for coming around here.

“That‘s right. I almost forgot how dumb he was,” Crabbe laughed.

“I don‘t know how anyone can seem dumb around you and your mate over here,” Harry shot back, nodding to Goyle. Neither Crabbe or Goyle seemed to understand, as they kept their nasty smiles in place and flashes of confusion flickered in their small eyes.

Zabini tsked. “Potter, Potter, Potter…It doesn‘t do well to insult us in our territory…You never know what might happen,” Zabini said.

“I‘m not all that worried about it, honestly. Thanks, though.”

Pansy scoffed from behind him and slowly walked around his other side, coming to stand nearby Goyle, though she seemed reluctant to get too close to him. Zabini just glared at him. “You thin--”

“I must say, I am curious as to why the five of you would prefer congregating in the dungeon corridors on a weekend rather than enjoying the bright outdoors,” came a soft, but clear voice from behind the Slytherins. Harry looked up gratefully as Snape approached, though the dark eyes didn‘t once look at him, instead focusing on his own Slytherins.

“We were only having a friendly conversation with Potter,” Zabini lied.

“Wh--” Goyle began, but Pansy quickly elbowed him. “OW!”

Snape rolled his eyes. “Feel free to carry on your friendly conversation outdoors…There is no need for you to linger in the corridors.”

“Yes, Professor,” the Slytherins all said, glowering at Harry who moved quickly past them. He would have to hope he would see Malfoy later on. He doubted hanging around the dungeons all day was a safe idea.

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Most of the day was spent with his friends. Hermione encouraged Harry and Ron to get caught up on homework and luckily agreed to help them out while she made clothes for the house elves. They spent a few hours being screamed at by Angelina on the Quidditch pitch and Ron looked close to passing out as they went inside for dinner. Harry scanned the Slytherin table once and felt a sharp pang of guilt when he saw that Malfoy still wasn‘t there. Absent from breakfast, lunch, and dinner after what Harry had said to him yesterday? Harry did his best to eat, but it was hard to force the food down when he felt so ill and awful.

“Are you feeling alright, Harry?” Hermione asked quietly.

“I‘m just tired,” Harry lied. “Not looking forward to lesson‘s tonight…Snape looked in a horrible mood earlier.”

“Since when is he not in a horrible mood?” Ron snorted.

Harry didn‘t respond, only poked at his meat for a few more minutes before standing up. “Might as well get this over with. I‘ll see you later.” Without waiting for a response, he turned and walked off, glancing to the Head Table. He was surprised to see that Snape wasn‘t there, but he didn‘t think much of it as he headed down to the dungeons. He didn‘t see many people, though he kept his eyes open, just in case any other Slytherins decided to corner him tonight. Everything was more quiet as he neared the dungeons and he was grateful for that…He didn‘t see anyone around here at all.

Harry wasn‘t particularly excited about his lessons…He still felt weird about being around Snape after everything, but he did want to be away…Be alone. He walked slowly, lost in thought, feeling dread fill his stomach as he approached the staircase leading down to Slytherin territory. He slowed down even more, considering walking around a bit more before heading to Snape‘s office, but it was almost time for lessons and he didn‘t figure staying in the hallway any longer than necessary was a smart idea.

Harry paused, blinking in surprise when he saw the familiar form of Draco Malfoy disappearing into the bathrooms. Harry hesitated, glancing from Snape‘s office further down the hall to the bathroom door before heading in after the blond. Malfoy was standing at the sink, staring into the mirror and muttering to himself, jumping and glaring harshly at Harry as he entered. “What do you think you‘re doing here, Potter?”

“I…I wanted to apologize,” Harry said quietly, uncertainly. Malfoy’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. It felt strange apologizing to Malfoy and the boy’s hostile stance was hardly encouraging. Harry held no love for Malfoy, but he knew he owed him this. “I shouldn‘t have said what I did about your father…It was mean and there was no good excuse for it, and I‘m sorry,” Harry forced out, finding himself struggling with the words.

Malfoy snorted and shifted uncomfortably on his feet. “Don‘t bother, Potter. You‘re not fooling me.”

Harry sighed, resisting the urge to roll his eyes or hurl more angry words at Malfoy. “I just wanted to apologize…If you don‘t want to believe it, that‘s fine…Just thought I owed it to you, s‘all,” Harry muttered.

“I don‘t need your pity, Potter. Especially apologies you don‘t even mean. Saying it doesn‘t make you a better person. Doesn‘t matter how much of a hero everyone thinks you are.”

Harry scowled at him. “I didn’t come in here to make myself look better…Especially since we’re the only ones who know about it!” Harry snapped. “How does it make me look better if no one but you knows what I said? I don’t care enough about what you think to bother making myself look good to you. I’m too smart to think that would work, anyway.”

“I’m sure that’ll be a shock to everyone,” Malfoy snarled. “The fact that you have any intelligence, that is.”

Why had he come to do this again? Harry should have expected Malfoy wasn‘t going to make this easy. Harry felt so many nasty words on the tip of his tongue and he struggled to keep them in. There was no need to make matters even worse. “That‘s all I wanted to say,” Harry said and turned around and walked out, slamming the door behind him and walking quickly to Snape‘s office, hoping Malfoy didn‘t want to try to stop him to continue their little fight. He never heard the door open back up and he was grateful. Even if Malfoy egged him on, Harry didn‘t think he‘d feel much better if he said the same sort of thing he had after the Quidditch game.

Harry almost hesitated in going into Snape’s office, but found he’d rather face his harsh glares than deal with Malfoy pushing his buttons again. It seemed he had found a perfect escape…For Snape wasn’t in his office. Harry sat in front of his desk for a while, just relaxing and trying not to think about Malfoy or Snape or his parents or anything else. Instead he daydreamed about beautiful revenge on Umbridge and mentally planned out the next DA meeting…After a while, though, he grew confused and checked the time…Snape was a half hour late! Furrowing his eyebrows and feeling a bit panicked, Harry stood up and walked around Snape’s desk, struggling to remember the password that made the door appear. “Ermmm…” Harry said, muttering every Latin word he could think he remembered Snape saying, leaning against the wall and growing frustrated after a few minutes before the door finally began to appear in the wall. Harry sighed in relief and let himself into Snape’s living quarters.

“Ummm…Snape?” Harry called out, slowly stepping in and looking around in the darkness. “Lumos,” he whispered, stepping in and holding up his wand and making his way over to the fireplace. “Incendio,” he whispered again, relaxing a bit as the room was lit up dimly by the fire. Harry shifted uncomfortably where he stood, feeling strange to be standing here without Snape. He half expected the man to jump out at him and yell at him and glanced back at the door, half tempted to turn back. For some reason, he continued on, walking across the room slowly, looking around. There were three other doors…He recognized the one that led to Snape‘s bathroom and knew the one to the right led to his bedroom and the one on the other wall led to his personal library. He hadn‘t ever been into the man‘s bedroom or his library.

He eyed the bedroom door temptingly, but shook his head and forced himself to turn instead to the library. “Professor?” Harry asked, knocking on the library door and slowly opening it. It was dark and Harry doubted he‘d find Snape there, but he lit the end of his wand just in case and walked through it until he ran into a table. Back in the main room, Harry glanced at the bedroom door again, his heart racing at the very thought of seeing the older man‘s bedroom. His bright green eyes glanced around the room again and he licked his lips, slowly walking towards it. “Snape?” Harry called out, his arm shaking lightly as he raised his fist to knock. He counted to twenty slowly in his head before daring to open the door. This room, too, was dark. Licking his lips, Harry glanced over his shoulder, half expecting to spot Snape behind him, standing quietly with his arms folded over his chest, glaring at him…but there was nothing and no one.

A quick spell lit up the room and Harry took a step forward, but found he didn’t quite have it in him to go further. It was a simple room…A plain wooden desk and a chair sat in one corner with a few books stacked up on top of it and a few pieces of parchment. There was a broom sitting against the wall by the closet…Across from that door was a king sized bed with dark red sheets and dark gray pillows. Beside it was a simple bedside table with a few more books stacked there, a small dark blue box, and a bottle of firewhiskey. It wasn‘t much, but his eyes eagerly took everything in…He could definitely use this image the next time he masturbated, he told himself, and just imagining the new details that could be involved in his fantasies had his cock beginning to stir in his pants. Harry wanted to step further in, to look through everything and lay on the bed and see how soft it was…Harry could already tell that would not end very well. Reluctantly, Harry turned around and put out the lights and closed the door, forcing himself to lay down on the gray couch and wait.

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The Dark Lord was getting frustrated. Not much was happening…Hardly anyone was achieving anything he wanted. He spent a great deal of time humiliating and torturing people and boasting about how, soon enough, his true followers would join him…His most loyal and most talented and his favorites…They would be out of Azkaban soon enough and then, perhaps, something would get done. Many heads were lowered in shame and Severus stared down at his shoes in boredom, waiting for the moment he knew was coming. It was the moment that came every meeting…A progress report from Severus Snape, on the goings on of the Order of the Phoenix and Hogwarts and most importantly his relationship with Harry Potter.

“Severussssss…”

Severus obediently moved forward, spreading the tales he and Albus had carefully crafted together during the last Order meeting. They would always have to be careful, sometimes even partial truths…He very well could not have the Dark Lord think he was a traitor. There wasn‘t much to tell, sadly…And while Albus assured him that it was nonsense that he should bring news during every meeting, that he couldn’t always have something new to share…But they both knew that it didn‘t matter. Even good excuses for things couldn‘t always spare him the Dark Lord‘s wrath. The Dark Lord didn‘t seem entirely pleased with the night‘s slow progress, though Severus took some pleasure that he, at least, had given more than most gathered here tonight.

“Now tell me of Harry Potter, Severus,” the Dark Lord said softly, his hissing voice warmer and his smile more welcoming and comforting than the cold look in his red eyes. Severus had been dreading this.

“There is not much more I can report, my lord,” Severus said apologetically. “It is not as easy as I had hoped, following your orders…I find it would be…Odd to randomly bring up my life story…I have yet to find a proper opening into the topic…Though--”

Severus could feel the Dark Lord poking around in his head and Severus made quick work of covering up the memory of his argument with Potter and shoving his face into the Pensive. He doubted the Dark Lord would approve of any “unnecessary“ disagreements with the boy and he doubted his reasoning would be viewed as appropriate by the Dark Lord. The Dark Lord only smirked as Severus cut off, though his red eyes betrayed his annoyance that Severus had noticed his intrusion.

“Though?” the Dark Lord encouraged.

Severus swallowed hard, mentally berating himself for his slip up in allowing the Dark Lord to know he knew, but kept his face controlled. Severus didn’t like slipping up, and he wasn’t about to let one mistake cause more. “Though I am positive I can find a way to ensure I can follow your instructions soon. I apologize for any lateness, but I merely want to keep my role as is and not ruin any faith he may have in me by arousing any suspicion.”

“You are a talented wizard, Severus,” the Dark Lord said with a frown. “It shouldn’t be such a difficulty to achieve such a small goal…I haven’t asked you to hand him over to me just yet, only that you open up a bit more to the boy.”

I’M TRYING! he wanted to scream, but that would have been a lie. It was still frustrating to be caught in this situation and all he could do was nod obediently like the good little slave boy the Dark Lord believed him to be. One thing was for certain, though, there could be no more dawdling. He would have to give something, even if it meant telling Potter beforehand what the Dark Lord wanted before going through with it. As loathe as he was to be anywhere near the boy who had proven himself to be no better than his bastard of a father, he had a job to fulfill that unfortunately involved him. “Yes, my lord. I apologi--”

“Crucio!”

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With Death Eaters having little to report to the Dark Lord, Severus thankfully didn’t have to bear through a long meeting with Albus. It wasn’t long before he was free to head down to his living quarters. He was physically exhausted and still suffering aches and pains leftover from the affects of the Cruciatus Curse. He cringed now and then as he walked, but he had dealt with pain too many times in his life to fall apart over it. He stepped into his rooms, lifting his wand with a spell on his tongue to light the room, and was surprised to find the fireplace was already lit. Potter was sitting on the floor in front of the couch with a piece of parchment and a quill spread out on the coffee table, doodling a Snitch and brooms and stick figures riding them, eying the drawing in amusement as Potter tapped his wand to the image, causing the less than impressive figures to zoom about the page.

“I must say, I’m impressed you can perform even the simplest of charms,” Severus said smoothly, keeping his expression blank, though he found himself amused as Potter jumped and spun around to face him, the shock clear in his green eyes. He didn’t even seem to register the insult. “Now, do you mind telling me what you’re doing here?”

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Author‘s Note: Hope you enjoyed it! Please reviewwww! I loves reviews, they make meh happeh! Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, I love you lots! The lyrics from this chapter title are from “I Don‘t Care“ by Apocalyptia (feat Adam Gontier).
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Lost and Damned