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The Unexpected Side Effect of Draught No. 9	By : lovetoseverus Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 25605 -:- Recommendations : 5 -:- Currently Reading : 6
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Chapter 13: I Alone Can Know

“What the fuck was that, Severus?”

Harry’s raised voice was edged with hysteria as he vaguely jabbed his finger in the direction of the lab. He had only been awake for fifteen minutes and already he was pacing the room, his brows pinched together, every muscle in his body drawn tight.

Severus knew there would only be a small window of time in which he could temper the situation before Harry went off on him fully. Well, that he could deal with, actually. It was Harry leaving and never returning that he preferred not to think about just yet. He knew he would have to choose his words carefully. Unfortunately, none were forthcoming.

Perching on the edge of the sofa, Severus succumbed to the events that still plagued his mind. No matter what he tried, he could not get the visuals of Harry out of his mind: those first signs of distress; having to literally wrap himself around Harry to keep him from doing physical harm to himself; discovering the scrapes and cuts that covered the entire undersides of his hands. The latter was probably the most disconcerting, as nothing like that had ever happened to him while using Evochi.

He had assumed something was wrong with the potion, that it had expired somehow or had been tainted by a foreign substance – already two circumstances he was prepared never to forgive himself for. Yet there was nothing he could have done. Interrupting the Evochi session could have been disastrous; even so, waiting for the potion to wear off naturally while not knowing how much damage was being done to Harry in the process was not much of an improvement. It was an excruciating reality to be faced with, and he couldn’t remember ever feeling so helpless in his life.

Even if it had been a reality Harry created, it certainly didn’t say much for the efficacy of his assistance. His goal had been for Harry to avoid negative experiences, not relive them. Harry had already seen more darkness and destruction than any eighteen-year-old should ever have had to deal with.

“Say something!” Harry yelled. He had stopped pacing and was now standing before Severus, his chest heaving from exertion.

The loud voice cutting into the silence pulled Severus roughly from his mind; startled, he glanced up to see the hurt and anger swathed across Harry’s normally placid face. Severus looked away, bowing his head forward and intertwining his hands loosely between his thighs. If only his mind would clear and allow him to grasp something – anything – he might yet salvage the situation.

“I thought you said taking that… that potion… would help me! Why would I ever want to use it again after this, after reliving my worst nightmares!”

Severus clenched ruefully at those words, his most dreaded suspicion confirmed. Yet, it gave him a starting point. “I know it may be hard, Harry, but it is critical that you tell me everything.”

“I can’t…”

“You must!”

“Why ‘must’ I do anything? Look where that’s got me!”

Severus paused meaningfully for a moment. “I only wish to help you.”

“Help me?” Harry snorted derisively. “Help me? Yes, you’ve said that all along. How is this supposed to help me, exactly? You don’t know what I saw… what happened to me!”

“Then tell me!”

Harry turned away, but not before a look of anguish passed over his features. “I can’t…” he said thickly. “I can’t. I can’t relive it again.” Rubbing his fingers along his forehead, he added, “I wish you could just take it out of my mind.”

“I could.” Something like hope buoyed inside Severus. “Let me inside your mind, and I will see what you saw.”

At these words, he sensed Harry had instinctively begun to Occlude his mind. Severus could have easily pushed past it, but would not proceed without Harry’s permission. Not this time. To force it would be to violate whatever remaining trust Harry had in him.

“No, then I’d have to relive it with you. I don’t want to go through that again…” Harry whimpered, his voice trailing off.

Severus realized he was completely at a loss for how to comfort Harry when he was conscious. Holding him during the Evochi session had seemed so easy, so natural. Yet Harry had practically jumped off the chaise – surely Severus wasn’t expected to just let him fall to the floor? Certainly not. But it wasn’t as though holding him meant anything.

Acute pangs of responsibility and guilt bombarded him. He knew if he didn’t get Harry to open up now about what happened, he might never, and then they’d be back to square one. Or worse than square one.

“Harry, please,” Severus said, almost pleading. “I cannot help you if I don’t know what happened. You will not be reliving it – it would be a visual, nothing more. You will be… safe.”

The words did not seem to comfort Harry, as he resumed his pacing, briskly turning back and forth. He was staring down at his upturned palms, fingering the light bandages wrapped around them. Suddenly he stopped and turned, his voice sounding frantic.

“What the hell made you think Evochi could help me? Did you know this would happen?”

Nothing in his life had prepared Severus for a moment like that: feeling pried open, completely out of his element, being pelted with questions and demands that would ask him to explain his motivations, his wishes – and ultimately, his desires. Standing trial with this accuser was akin to standing face-to-face with his life – literally – for Harry was both the bane and triumph of his existence.

Frustration seemed to coalesce with every other emotion Harry was feeling, because suddenly Harry lunged at him. “Dammit Severus! Answer me!”

Reacting quickly, Severus grabbed Harry’s arms and pinned them to his sides, detaining him before he could do either of them harm. “Potter! Harry. If you will kindly refrain from flailing at me I may attempt an explanation.”

“I don’t want to hear any more of your explanations! Don’t you see? There’s nothing you could have done! I almost went through the vei–” But Harry abruptly cut himself off, his breath hitching, and Severus was left wondering what he didn’t say. It had seemed significant. Then the resistance suddenly left Harry’s body and he slumped fully into Severus’ constraining embrace, a choked sob indeed revealing much deeper currents.

“I killed them all, Severus. Not by my hand, but they all died because of me.”

“Who?”

“Friends, Hogwarts teachers, Aurors, people from the Ministry, everyone! If it hadn’t been for me, none of them would have died!”

Severus scoffed. “If it hadn’t been for you, many more would have died. They all fought willingly for the cause; for their own cause. Furthermore, while the deaths are regrettable, none of them died in vain. Need I remind you that you succeeded?”

Harry barked out a mirthless laugh. “Yeah, what a champ I am! I succeeded at getting loads of people killed!”

“They died fighting for what they believed in, Harry – for freedom from tyranny, for the fate of their world and the people they hold most dear. Everyone had their own reasons.”

Leaning back a bit, Harry jerked his head since his arms were still pinned. “Yes, I was the reason! It was because of me!” He was nearly shouting again.

Something snapped inside Severus. On a rational level, he knew Harry was just angry and confused, if not a bit traumatized by whatever had happened during his Evochi session, and was lashing out for answers. That he expected. What he resented was hearing Harry say a war that had started long before he was born – before a single word of that inscrutable prophecy had ever been uttered – was somehow his doing. To even insinuate such a thing was absurdly self-centered. In the span of five words, Harry had effectively dismissed every sacrifice Severus had made.

It was because of me.

Severus felt the implication of that like a slap to the face.

Livid, he pitched his voice dangerously low, his gaze turbulent. “The Dark Lord would have risen to power regardless, with or without you. Do not delude yourself into thinking any of this was your doing. Incredible as this may seem, Potter, not everything is about you.”

In an instant, he realized things he had thought safely dormant could resurface with astonishing ease. When he saw the look of betrayal on Harry’s face, dismay pierced his very core; he knew he had gone too far. Yet there it was, lingering in the air between them. He’d said it, and could not take it back now.

Slowly withdrawing himself from Severus’ grip, Harry stood back, wide-eyed for a moment before narrowing them sharply. He quickly wiped at the corners of his eyes and looked at Severus, a closed expression on his face.

“Well, I guess I know where you stand. I’ll just get out of your hair, then, shall I?”

Half paralyzed by panic and an unrelenting fury of thoughts, Severus found he had no reply; that he could only stare numbly at Harry’s back, watching the younger wizard’s swift, agitated retreat.

The last thing he heard was the sharp clang of the latch on his chamber door as it slammed closed, its echo rather more ominous and final-sounding than he had ever remembered it being.
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The Unexpected Side Effect of Draught No. 9