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Survivor's Guilt	By : SpeedyTomato Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Lucius Views: 34080 -:- Recommendations : 3 -:- Currently Reading : 4
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter nor do I make any money of this dark dance of Harry Potter fanfic.

Chapter List
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Chapter 13

Beta'd by the amazing Tenchi. Thanks, Tenchi, you're the best!

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Stepping into Grimmauld Place, Ron was pale and shaking, not sure what to do, say or think about the whole thing. He had gotten as much out of Dudley about what was going on as he could, including their meetings at the pub with Malfoy. Nothing seemed 'off' to him at all, sounding like it was just what it appeared to be. Dudley had made it clear that Lucius was up front about everything he had done and there was a friendship involved in the whole thing. In fact, he pointedly told him it was he who had called Lucius to help with Harry, no one else. Now, well, he didn't know what to think. His first thought when it came to this mess was to lay blame on someone for it. After all, Harry was one hell of a strong person that wouldn't normally do something like this. He couldn't though. Dudley made it clear this problem with Harry had gone on for quite some time now. Lucius hadn't made it worse. In fact, the elder Malfoy had been desperately trying to help in the form of working with Dudley and putting out feelers to see what could be done. Though certain there was an agenda of some kind there, Ron couldn't see it yet. He would, though, then there was going to be hell to pay.

Walking in, Dudley immediately called for Kreacher. Seeing the elf pop up, tugging on his ears, looking like he was in distress of some kind, he asked as gently as he could, “Where are Lucius and Hermione?”

Distressed, having figured out what was going on and that Master Harry had tried to kill himself, Kreacher was trying to deal with it. Nodding to the master's cousin, he said, “They are in the parlor. Follow Kreacher.” Then he began to lead the way there.

Stepping into the parlor, Dudley moved aside as Hermione rushed forward and threw her arms around her husband, tears streaming down her face. Looking at the two, Dudley sighed and gave the witch a pat on the shoulder then went to seat himself on the sofa beside Lucius. Seeing the older man was pale and trembling, probably from the adrenaline wearing off, he put his hand on his shoulder then gave it a squeeze before releasing it. Looking down at the glass of whatever it was he was sipping, he asked, “What's that, Lucius?”

“Firewhiskey,” Lucius told him softly. “I don't usually indulge but I believe I've earned a glass to steady my nerves.”

Nodding, Dudley said, “Mate, after what you just did, I think you've earned several cases of it.” Stopping, he looked at the older man and asked, keeping his voice down so the other two couldn't hear him, “You alright?”

“I'm fine, Dudley,” Lucius told him with a nod. “There is no need to concern yourself with me. It was-- well, it was frightening, but I'm safe now. As is Harry. That's all that matters in this instance.”

“Yeah, it is. Helluva brave thing you did there, Lucius,” Dudley told him softly.

“No, it wasn't. It was selfish. My wife--,” trailing off, he looked down, not sure if he wanted to say it as he wasn't certain that Dudley knew. After a moment, he told Dudley, voice low, thick with emotion, “My wife committed suicide while I was in prison. The guilt and pain over all the mistakes we made were too much for her. I couldn't tolerate losing someone else that way. Harry is someone, like you, that I consider a friend. No, I couldn't allow that to happen again.”

“Sorry, mate, I didn't know,” Dudley told him, leaning forward, looking down at the floor, resting his elbows on his knees. Harry had told him Lucius' wife was dead just not how she had died.

“There is nothing to be sorry for,” Lucius told him. “Narcissa made a choice. I don't understand it, well, I didn't until a short while ago at least. I still don't fully, but if she was in the kind of pain I heard from Harry while he fought me, I believe I can understand why she took that step.”

Nodding, Dudley said nothing, not sure what he could say on the matter. For the first time since that call, Dudley was feeling something besides panic. Feeling his eyes burn with tears, he shook slightly then said, voice thick, “It should never have come to this. There should have been something we could have done or someone we could have gone to so we could have gotten him help.”

“I know,” Lucius said softly, looking at the door to where Harry was with his therapist. “There is nothing we could do beyond the steps we took.”

“And that needs to change,” Dudley told him firmly. Looking at the door Lucius glanced at, he then asked, keeping his voice low, “What's going on? Do you know?”

“Doctor Netherwood is talking to him. He said he would see if he could get Harry to agree to see him so they can work on whatever is causing the issues. When he's done, he said he would come out and speak with us.”

Leaning back, crossing his arms over his chest, Dudley sighed then shook his head. “At least Harry agreed to talk to him. That's a good sign.”

“So far, it's the best one we've seen in a long time,” Lucius told him softly.

An hour later Dr. Netherwood stepped out of the other room and shut the door quietly behind him. Looking at the four gathered there, he asked quietly, “Harry has a house elf, doesn't he?” Seeing them nod, he asked, “Could one of you call him for me, please? I would like him to go to St. Mungos to pick up some potions.”

Nodding, Hermione called for Kreacher and the elf popped in. Crouching down in front of the aged house elf, Dr. Netherwood handed him a prescription then gave him some instructions. Listening intently, the elf nodded, looking serious. When the doctor finished, Kreacher popped away to get what was needed.

When the elf was gone, the doctor conjured a chair then seated himself, looking at the four that were in the room. Lucius and Dudley were seated on the couch. Hermione and Ron were on a love seat not far away. Sighing, he said, “Though I can't give you details about what I speak about with Harry, I can tell you that I've managed to talk him into seeing me to work through the problems he's having. I've also gotten him to agree to start on a potions regimen that should help things until he starts getting better and can deal with the issues that brought this on.”

“Thank Merlin,” Lucius muttered, rubbing his eyes.

Looking relieved, Dudley nodded, seeming to slump slightly.

Looking around, the doctor asked, “I believe Mr. Dursley is the only relative Harry has here, isn't that right?”

“Yeah, I'm it,” Dudley told him. “Mum and dad are still around but Harry doesn't get along with them. I don't think it's a good idea to get them involved in this.”

“We're not his relatives, but we've been close since school,” Hermione told the doctor softly, gripping onto a pale Ron's hand.

“I assumed as I had read about you and your husband, Mrs. Weasley.” Looking at Lucius, he said, “And your relationship I'm well aware of when it comes to Harry.”

Nodding, Lucius said nothing.

Looking around, the doctor said, “Right now, I don't think it's wise for Harry to stay alone. I would have liked to have him check himself into St. Mungos for some more intensive treatment but he is adamant about not doing that. Nor do I have any leverage to force the issue as there are no laws in place that allow me to do so. However, I was able to get him to compromise and agree to let someone stay here with him. Is one of you able to do that?” He had already discounted the Weasleys as they had small children and worked full time.

“I will,” Lucius said, looking at the doctor. “I take no issue with it nor do I have anything I'm required to do. I'm certain Dudley will agree to come over after work and spend time here on days he doesn't have obligations.”

Nodding firmly, Dudley said, “I can and will. Lucius will do fine with Harry.”

“Wait, whoa!” Ron said, looking incredulously at Dudley. “I get that Malfoy helped here but there is no way in hell that I'm going to let him stay here! Dudley, you don't know the history there and letting Malfoy stay here with Harry is like turning him loose with a hungry wolf! No way in hell is that happening.”

Looking at Ron, Dudley said, quietly, “Ron, mate, I know what happened. Lucius has been honest with me about the whole thing. What he didn't tell me, Harry did. I might not have seen it, but I know what happened. What I also know is that Harry gave him another chance like he did me. So, he's good in my books and he's been by my side through this whole thing, trying to help the only way we could.”

“Dudley, no offense, but once a Death Eater, always a Death Eater.” Ron told him, crossing his arms over his chest, glaring at Lucius.

For Dudley, this had been a stressful day on many levels. He was just starting to get his blood pressure back into normal levels. With that, in the past, he had a temper and was easy to rile. Over the years he had learned to control that, knowing it wasn't the way to go about dealing with situations anymore. However, with what was going on, that old impulse was coming back full force. Looking at the redhead, knowing what Ron was like and how thick he could be, he said, tone cold as ice, “Ron, mate, you know I like you, right?” Seeing Ron nod, he then pressed on, “Good. Remember that when I say this-- if you don't sit down and shut your mouth, I’m going to punch you! You have no idea what's been going on or how bad this has been. Lucius has been with me and Harry through the whole thing. Harry let him through the protections of this house a couple weeks ago so we could all spend time together in case the reporters sniffed out where we normally went. Harry did it of his own free will. If Harry thought anything was off, he would have gone to you and made that very clear from the start. He didn't. Now, sit down, shut up and deal with this the way it is! I trust Lucius with Harry. As I see him a helluva lot more than you lot do anymore, I think my word on this is a little more firm than yours.” By the time Dudley stopped talking, he was glaring at Ron, tone a deadly dagger that told everyone he meant what he said.

Opening his mouth to argue, Hermione put her hand on Ron's arm. Forcing him to sit down, she said, tone firm, “Stop it, Ronald! We've not been around. What with work and the kids--” Trailing off, she felt the tears burn her eyes again. Lip quivering, she swallowed them then said, tone watery, “Dudley spends a lot of time with Harry. If Lucius has been meeting with them and Dudley says it's fine, we'll accept that.” Looking at the doctor, she said, “We'll try to show up several times a week to check on things as well.”

Looking at the two Weasleys, Dr. Netherwood said, “That's fine, Mrs. Weasley. This week don't expect much of Harry. He'll probably sleep most of it while he gets used to the potions I've prescribed. To put your mind at rest on the topic; I'm Lucius' therapist by court order. I can assure you he has no devious plans. I can also safely say he's been worried about the signs he's seen from your friend.”

Looking between the doctor and Malfoy, Ron nodded slowly, saying nothing. Like Hermione said, though, he planned to come over plenty of times to check on Harry to make sure this was all on the up and up.

Sighing, hoping that would calm things, the doctor looked around then said, “While I can't go into details of what we talk about, as I said, I can tell you the issue is Mr. Potter is severely depressed. From what little I was able to get out of him today, he's dealing with an almost overwhelming guilt over things that happened before and during the last war. He blames himself for a great deal of what happened and deaths that he thought he could have prevented or stopped. With the anniversary approaching and so many wanting him to relive it, it's made what is there even worse. While it probably isn't all of what the issues are, it's a great deal of it. The pain he is in is what drove him to attempt suicide. He saw it as the only way he knew to stop what he's feeling.”

Stopping he looked around then said, quietly, “I don't know what any of you know about suicide or attempting it, but I can tell you it's not about someone being weak or trying to get attention; what Harry just did was about being in so much pain that he didn't know how to stop it. Nor did he know where to turn to get help to make it stop. From talks with Lucius, something I'm sure he won't mind me revealing,” looking at the older man, he saw him nod then pressed on, “Harry was exhibiting the classic signs of someone suffering from a deep depression. He wasn't sleeping, eating, taking pleasure in anything or enjoying himself. He is still in a very dark place that he hasn't been able to pull himself out of. I do believe I won't get a disagreement here when I say that I don't think anyone would classify the man in the other room as someone weak. He's been through hell and back, several times.” Looking around, he stopped to see what might be said.

“Harry is the strongest person Ron and I have ever known,” Hermione said softly, tone thick with tears. “He went through so much and stayed strong, even when the rest of us weren't. He faced--” trailing off, she just looked at the doctor, one tear sliding down her cheek.

Looking at the ground, Ron just nodded, agreeing. Swallowing thickly, he didn't know what to say. Harry was the one that was the strength for them. He was the leader that rushed in, not thinking. It was him that was the hero. After all, he had walked to his own death in that forest, knowing he might not come back and so much more.

“Then you understand this isn't about your friend being weak. He's suffering and knows no way to make it stop. Calling him weak is like calling someone with a terminal disease weak because they can't cure themselves. You need to keep that in mind from here on out. Depression is a horrible thing to deal with. It's incredibly painful, both emotionally and physically. That's what he's struggling with.” The doctor explained softly.

“These potions will cure him, right? It'll just take time?” Ron asked, looking at him.

“No, Mr. Weasley,” Roddy told him softly. “There is nothing that can cure Harry right now. The potions are just going to help him deal with the pain he's in until he can to do it himself once more. The only one that can actually 'cure' him is Harry himself. That is going to take a great deal of time to do, if it can be done. A great many who deal with something like this will struggle with depression their whole life. With your friend, that might be the case. I don't know. Between the potions and talking with me I think he can get to where he's in a better place, then he can once more get a handle on the demons he's dealing with before getting back to where he leads a normal life. However, that's going to take time. It's not going to happen overnight. The potions alone are going to take two to three weeks to get into his system enough that they'll start to work right. For now, he'll sleep a lot of the time because they are strong and it's one of the side effects. After that, it's not going to be an instant feel better either, more like something gradual.”

Nodding, taking that in, swiping at the tear on her cheek, Hermione asked, “He's going to let you help him? He's going to talk to you?”

“I've gotten him to agree to that. This next week I'll see him only once as he'll probably be sleeping for most of it. After that I'll see him three to four times a week until I feel he's over the worst of the danger. The only caveat he made is the appointments will be here. He doesn't want to go to St. Mungos. As I can understand his reasoning behind it, I agreed. With Lucius here with him, I don't think he's going to be in any danger. If there is something or he needs to talk, Lucius knows how to contact me after hours and I'll come over. Right now, I don't expect that.” Stopping, he looked around then said, gently, “I know this is stressful and there will be much second guessing as to what could have been done on all your parts. However, don't focus on that. It's hard, but don't. Everything that could have been done to stop it was put into play from what I understand. He doesn't need your guilt added on to what he's dealing with. What he needs is what you've always been; his friends. Nothing more than that. If he wants to talk, let him. If he doesn't, don't force it. He doesn't need recriminations, reminders of how this hurt someone else, none of that. He is carrying enough guilt around about the pain he’s caused others as it is. More will not help the situation.”

“We just go on like normal then?” Dudley asked quietly, looking at the doctor.

“Yes, that's best. Perhaps reminders here and there that you are there for him if he needs it. Or what he means to you, but nothing over the top. Sometimes when you hurt this badly you forget those things or think that those around you don't need you, that you just cause them pain. Gentle reminders that isn't the case helps at times. When he's gotten used to the potions, try to get him to resume what you used to do. For you, Lucius and him that's going somewhere every night for a drink, talk, whatever it was. It will help.” The doctor explained.

“What about telling others?” Hermione asked. Looking at Ron, she said, softly, “His parents are the closest thing Harry had to a mom and dad. Same with the rest of the family.” Looking at Dudley, a guilty expression crossed her face then she said, “I'm sorry, Dudley. I know that sounded bad--”

Cutting her off with a wave of his hand, Dudley said, “None taken and you're right.”

Sighing, the doctor looked down. After a moment of quiet contemplation, he said, “I would say those close need to be told so they can understand what's going on. However, I'd caution against telling ones that might not react well to it or are more apt to blame Harry, yell at him or other such reactions. Just exercise caution is all I'm saying. I would also say that you should explain what exactly is going on to them and some of what I said. I can give you some pamphlets to help with that before I go. They aren't the best but they will give the basics. However, I wouldn't talk to anyone outside immediate family right now, not until Harry gives consent.”

Nodding, Hermione then asked, “Our kids-- what about them? I mean, Harry's been a part of their life since they were born!”

“They are still quite young, aren't they?” Roddy asked. When he saw the witch nod, he said, sighing, “For now, you might not want to bring them around. The issue won't be so much Harry's end, but explaining it to your children. He's not going to be the man they've always known for a while. Until he adjusts to things and isn't so-- withdrawn, it might be best to not bring them around. Once he feels better it'll be fine. You just may have a hard time explaining what is going on to them.”

Looking at the doctor, Ron asked, “What about his godson? Teddy spends a lot of time with Harry. He's going to know something is wrong if Harry won't do that.”

“We can talk to Andromeda, Ron,” Hermione told him gently. “We'll get with your mom and sit everyone down then talk it out. I think Andromeda might be a better judge of how to deal with Teddy when it comes to this.”

“That's best,” Roddy said with a nod. “This affects everyone and there are strong emotions that come with it. Talking it out is for the best. Before I go, I'll give you my card. If you have any issues at all or need help in explaining what's going on, don't hesitate to get hold of me.” Looking around, seeing there were no more questions, he said, “When Kreacher gets back, I'll explain to him what potions need to be taken when and to get them refilled as they run out. I'll also give the instructions to Lucius so he can ensure they are taken. I'm sure, between the two, they can make sure Harry takes what's needed.” Stopping, he looked around, “Any more questions?” Seeing them all shake their heads, he said, “I'm going to go then. I'll leave my card and the pamphlets, like I said. If you need me, feel free to get in contact. Tonight, Harry is just going to sleep. In fact, someone is probably going to have to move him to his room as I doubt he's going to wake from the effects of the calming draught and what I gave him. That's for the best and nothing to worry about.” Seeing them nod, he began to pass out what was needed while waiting for Kreacher to return.

After the doctor had left, while Ron was moving Harry upstairs, something he insisted on doing, and Kreacher was preparing the room next to his for Lucius, the older man pulled Dudley aside. “I'm going to go home and gather my things, at least some. I'll have my elves bring over the rest in the next few days. I'm also going to have to get hold of my son. He was there when I took your call--” stopping, Lucius sighed then pressed on. “I'm sure he's in a panic right now over what might be going on. I'll also need to tell him how to get in contact with me as I won't be home. The mobile, of course, will be what I tell him. Can you stay until I get back? I shan't be long, I don't think.”

Nodding, Dudley told him, firmly, “I'm not going anywhere, mate. I plan to stick around for quite some time tonight, maybe even kip here myself.”

Relieved, Lucius nodded, “I won’t be long, I just need to gather some things and reassure Draco, as I’m sure he’s slightly put out by my abrupt exit.”

“Do what you have to, Lucius,” Dudley told him firmly.

Nodding, Lucius said, “I'll return shortly.”

As he was walking into the front hall, he was stopped by Hermione's voice. Turning to face the younger woman, he asked, remaining polite, “Yes, Mrs. Weasley?”

Looking up at the man she had seen as the enemy for so long, Hermione said, softly, “I just wanted to say thank you. We saw part of what you did and heard about the rest. If it wasn't for you--” trailing off, she felt the tears sting her eyes once more as she looked at him.

“There is nothing to thank me for,” Lucius told her firmly, but keeping his tone something soft. Looking her dead in the eye, he said, “Harry is someone I now consider a friend, like I do Dudley. It was something I would do again.”

Nodding, she said, “I'll get Ron calmed down. He won't make problems for you, I promise. He's—he's just emotional right now.”

Nodding, Lucius said, “I assure you, it's just how it seems. Nothing nefarious on my end. Now, if you'll excuse me.”

Nodding, she then said, softly, “I'm sorry about your wife. We heard-- I'm sorry.”

Nodding, Lucius understood what she was trying to impart then Apparated away so he didn't have to answer.

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Survivor's Guilt