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You Will Not Kiss Me	By : Prosperosdaughter Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Snape/Remus Views: 22836 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: JK Rowling & her associates own the Harry Potter universe and I make no money from my stories.

Chapter List
- 12
- 13
- 14
Chapter 13: Punishment & Discovery

Harry Potter. There he was, dashing about the Quidditch pitch on his newly-declared-curse-free Firebolt.

Just like his father. Arrogant. Conceited. Spoilt. Indulged. Look at him, preening like the perfect peacock at the Ravenclaw seeker. And look at Remus. Stupidly proud of a child he barely knows. Cheering him on as if he were his father. Snape was seething to himself from the Slytherin stand, alternately watching Lupin possessively in the next stand, glowering at the boy and scowling at the Gryffindor commentator's ridiculously biased, fawning commentary. He was irritated and, as Slytherin wasn't playing, he was bored, so he let his mind wander.

It was bitterly cold, as February in Scotland always was. He would have quite happily missed today's match and stayed in the warmth of his bed with Lupin, who should have been resting anyway but had wanted to watch Potter fly. It was only two days since the last full moon. There had been no appearance by the wolf, even though Snape had spent the day of the full moon with Lupin to bind the wolf if necessary. It was true that Lupin had become short-tempered and unpleasant as they day wore on, but the wolf did not make itself known.

Lupin's transformation went well and it was his very best recovery to date. Poppy had been delighted and had declared the Headmaster would be well pleased. Snape had been making copious notes since they had first discovered that the Thrall could affect a werewolf's transformations, keeping these for when he would have time to work on that part of the Thrall to relieve a werewolf's symptoms and blood lust. He hoped, once they had unravelled the Thrall, he would be able to work on that part alone, which could prove revolutionary.

Aside from this, Lupin had been absurdly attentive to Snape since he'd managed to lift the appropriation curse and indulged Lupin's fantasy in Snape's classroom two weeks previously. Snape allowed himself a smile at the recollection of Lupin's attentions, which were almost incessant when they were alone, both affectionate and sexual and usually putting paid to any conversation, research or other pursuit they had endeavoured. Snape put it mostly down to the overwhelming relief they both felt that Snape no longer had the power to drain Lupin's magic to a lethal degree. Snape devoured all those attentions hungrily, as a starving man so often does, he thought to himself with an imperceptible shake of the head. It was a revelation to him.

When he recalled his solitary existence before the Thrall, he wondered how he had gone for so many years without any affection whatsoever. He supposed he had been the recipient of so little emotional or physical affection, he just didn't fully appreciate it was missing from his life. He only knew the results of its absence: his distrust, coldness and harshness with others. The only attention he had ever received from his mother was the healing of wounds inflicted by his father that occasionally might be accompanied by a cursory hug or kiss. He suspected that small kindnesses followed violence had been an unhealthy association to make at a young age.

He had only ever really trusted and loved Lily Evans, whom he had adored more or less at first sight, when he'd watched her undeniable skill even as a child on those swings. He was even pleased that she was Muggle-born because he could teach her and there was no-one to compete with him for her attention until school. She would hold his hand or loop her arm through his, and sometimes even hug and lightly kiss him in that easy way of hers that would always lift his soul. Each and every touch of hers was like a small flame of hope to him: the only real physical kindness he had ever known. Each touch was burned onto his soul because they were so unusual to him. But even Lily never seemed to be able to penetrate his deep mistrust of anyone other than herself although she used to try. Eventually, he had driven her away and into the arms of another. He prayed he wouldn't do anything so stupid this time.

Of course, Lily had never been his lover. They had been very young as friends, but he never doubted that had she ever desired him as they had got older, he would have worshipped at her feet. But no, his only sexual experiences as a young man were unpleasant, coerced or tawdry. As he got older, he had only ever sought sexual release rarely and never of the type of joyous abandonment he enjoyed so fully with Lupin. Then again, he'd never experienced it before, so how could he miss it? But if he lost it now, he couldn't comprehend how he would stand it and his stomach roiled at the prospect. No, he didn't intend to lose Lupin.

A great roar interrupted his private thoughts and his attention returned to the match in time to see Potter and Miss Chang diving for the snitch then Potter veering upwards sharply and Miss Chang following in his wake. A quick look at Lupin and he saw Lupin cheering for Potter wildly and still Snape was irritated by it. He shouldn't be but he was. Then, he heard a scream, and turning quickly back to the pitch saw Potter conjure a huge corporeal Patronus. A stag. He took a sharp intake of breath, following it as it charged down ... Malfoy and his cronies dressed as Dementors! That stupid boy! Snape was furious. He hit the barrier in front of him and moved to leave the stand to take charge of the miscreants before Minerva murdered them, which, by the look on her face, would be imminently if he didn't get a move on. He heard the whistle sound and, to make matters worse, the match was over and bloody Potter had caught the snitch.

As he charged towards the pitch, he saw Lupin had already got there and was leaning forward to say something confidential to Potter. Lupin looked pleased, but also shaken. He watched with mounting unease as Lupin led Potter to the edge of the pitch to laugh at Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle and Flint. His intervention would now be too late. Minerva had them now and was shouting at them. Dumbledore also approached the scene, so Snape hung back and then walked away to wait for Lupin in his chambers. He could have joined him to walk back, but he found himself too cross to speak.

Seeing Lupin so interested in, and happy with, the boy who looked so much like Lupin's childhood best friend had made Snape angry and, if he were honest, jealous. Jealous of nothing more than a memory of a friend. Jealous of something about which he could do absolutely nothing. With that jealousy came all sorts of unbidden memories of those friends tormenting him and imaginings of what those same friends would say to Lupin if they knew who his lover was now: Snivellus. He'd already lost one person he loved to Potter; he be damned if he'd lose another. He burned inside with remembered and imagined slights and wounds as he stalked back to his rooms, pacing them until Lupin returned.

Lupin followed shortly after. He took off his cloak and sat down heavily, his faced wreathed in a huge smile which undid some of Snape's anger and he reached for Snape's hand and held it tightly. "Did you see it Severus? Did you see Harry's Patronus? Fourteen years old! Can you believe it? I mean his father was talented at school, but that was some Patronus!" Lupin gushed.

Snape twisted his mouth to sneer a response but stopped himself when he noticed that Lupin was pale and a sheen of perspiration covered his face. Why did he hold his stomach like that? Why did he look so pale? Did his hand have a slight tremor?

"What's the matter Remus? You look unwell." He strode over to Lupin, knelt on the floor in front of him, and snatched up his wrist to take his pulse.

"Well ... um ... I started feeling somewhat unwell after the match. I'm sure it will pass, Severus," Lupin said, looking at Snape fondly.

"Tell me what you feel. I need to know," Snape said urgently, holding Lupin's chin gently. "I saw you after the match talking to Potter. You looked shaken. Why?"

"I ... I was shocked by his Patronus," Lupin said.

"Yes, yes, but why would that shake you?" Snape said impatiently.

"It was a stag, like James's ... um ...like James's Patronus." Lupin seemed hesitant. Snape searched Lupin's face. He was keeping something from him. What? Was it important? Lupin had never dissembled with him before, but he was certain he was dissembling now.

"What are you hiding from me, Remus?" Snape drew back from Lupin.

"This is not something you need to know, Severus. Please don't ask me. Believe me that it doesn't matter to you ... to us. Please." Lupin's eyes pleaded and Snape found himself confused and conflicted. He wanted to press for the truth because there was a truth to be revealed, but Lupin had never asked something like this from him before. He should trust him. It was hard. He sat back down on the floor, in front of Lupin.

"Go on then," Snape said quietly. "Then, what did you feel?"

"Then, I suppose it was a bit like a cold sweat and palpitations and cramps in my stomach hit at once. Not terrible, but it's very unpleasant. I thought I'd just come back and ... I don't know ... sleep it off." Lupin was regarding Snape with worry.

Realisation hit Snape like a boulder. Since he saw Lupin with Potter, he had been cross and jealous and he was relatively certain his emotions had just activated a punishment boundary for Lupin. He picked up Lupin's hands again and pressed his forehead against them, breathing deeply to try to calm himself. He heard Lupin call his name, but he shook his head and didn't answer until he felt himself calm down. He carried on breathing deeply until he could feel his anger and jealousy pushed safely down into his Occluded mind.

When he looked up, Lupin had moved onto the floor and was sitting in front of him, his face drawn with concern. Looking again, he could see Lupin's colour had improved and he no longer looked clammy.

"How do you feel now, Remus," Snape asked.

Lupin looked confused momentarily, then his expression brightened. "It's all gone. Whatever it was, it's gone. Did you do that?" Lupin asked excitedly.

"I think I caused it," Snape's voice was small and a flush of shame rose from his collar up his cheeks. "So I've taken it away."

Lupin's mouth dropped slightly and then he said, a small choke in his voice, "But why Severus? What have I done?" He took his hands from Snape's and the look of sadness that now crossed Lupin's face upset Snape even more, but it was no more than he deserved.

"I was angry, jealous. I don't know what to say to say to you. I'm sorry. It didn't cross my mind that you would feel this ... reaction ... to my own stupidity." Snape felt wretched and ridiculous.

"I don't understand, Severus. Jealous of whom? Angry about what?" Snape could see Lupin was searching his memory for something to fit the reaction. "Not because I spoke to Harry, surely?"

Snape looked away. "It just reminded me of his father and your friends." He sighed heavily, knowing how irrational it made him sound, but he just couldn't help himself. Seeing that hated reminder of that bullying every day, in conjunction with Lupin, now his lover, he found he just had no resilience.

"Severus," Lupin whispered, "that's not rational. Please, we've discussed this before. Harry is not his father. His father is dead; you must let it go. I'm the only Marauder left and you don't hate me this way. Please, Severus, be reasonable."

"I am not a reasonable man, Remus. You know this!" Snape barked with frustration and wanted to say more but stopped himself, seeing a small reflex flinch in Lupin as if hurt. He pinched the bridge of his nose to try to focus. "I have just had to confess something to you that exposes me as an irrational fool. I have done this because I know my lack of control has just harmed you. Please don't make me feel worse than I do already." Snape was weary and sad. What must Lupin think of him? Snape flexed his legs out, then bent them at the knees and rested his arms across them, placing his head on his arms in misery.

Lupin stood and walked over to Snape's fireplace, looking more reserved that Snape had seen him these past two months. He turned to look at Snape and when he spoke, his voice was calm and measured.

"We know you have a temper, and you've told me are a jealous man, Severus. I will do my best to help you with this. But I cannot countenance you dredging up ancient history that cannot hurt you anymore, cannot hurt us and has nothing to do with us. And using it as a basis for a grudge against a child, Severus, really is beneath you. I believe you to be a better man than that."

"Aren't you concerned that I made you unwell?" Snape looked up at Lupin from his crossed arms.

"Of course I am," Lupin's voice rose, but then he visibly controlled himself once more. "But there's nothing I can do to control it, Severus. But it is within your control if you're prepared become the master of your temper." Lupin was breathing slightly harder.

Snape stood and went over to Lupin and hung his arms loosely around Lupin's waist. "Please forgive me, Remus," he whispered.

Lupin stroked Snape's cheek gently and kissed him. "Even without the Thrall, Severus, I would still find this anger and jealousy very hard to handle. But without the Thrall, at least I could walk away until you calmed down."

"Do you want to walk away?" Snape asked, a catch in his voice betraying his fear, his heart pounding nervously. He was too new at this. He thought he was losing him.

Lupin shook his head sadly. "No, Severus. That's not what I meant. I meant, I could give you distance to calm down and then we would try to patch things up. It's what couples who care for each other do when they have problems." He stroked Snape's face reassuringly again. "I don't understand how you can be jealous when you have me so totally."

Snape stared at Lupin and relished all of those words. He supposed when he thought about the time they spent together, he did have him totally, but that was not his fear. His fear was losing him to others, real or imagined. Or killing him, he added to himself. He kissed him longingly.

"Can we sit down and try this evening again?" Snape asked nervously. Lupin nodded and they sat down together.

It was late into the night, having enjoyed a private meal together and into their third game of chess and third glass of Firewhiskey when suddenly a cat Patronus entered the drawing room, and Minerva's voice sounded. "Sirius Black broke into Gryffindor Tower with a knife. He has escaped. We need to scour the castle. Come to my office now."

The two men Floo'd straight Minerva's office one after the other, followed by the other professors at various intervals. They all fanned out where Dumbledore directed them, separately searching by eye, ear and spell for Sirius Black.

As Snape prowled the corridors, he thought he would very much like to be the one to find Sirius Black. He clenched his wand tightly as he searched. As he scoured the corridors and passageways and classrooms on his designated route, he imagined finding him. Would he be able to stop himself torturing him? He thought he might not. It was no surprise to Snape that Black had broken the Fidelius charm so the Dark Lord could murder Lily. As far as Snape was concerned, Black had as good as cast the curse himself. Black came from a long line of demented pureblood maniacs. It should have been no surprise to anyone that his cruelty would escalate to murder. After all, he's so nearly accomplished it when they were sixteen, even stooping to using a supposed best friend to do the deed. He imagined all the curses he could cast on him and then producing the convict for the Dementor's Kiss. He breathed deeply as he searched, extra oxygen fuelling his search and his long-standing rage against the man himself. He searched extensively but could find nothing.

Disappointed, he made his way along the third floor corridor, when he heard a quiet voice. "Sirius? Sirius? Are you there?" He recognised Lupin's voice.

His whole body went cold as he rounded the corner slowly to see Lupin by the statue of the one-eyed witch looking around, with his lit wand held high. No defensive posture at all: a man looking for a lost friend.

In that moment, Snape felt as if his mind cracked in two and his fury exploded as he strode towards Lupin raging, "You were calling for Black! I heard you! I was right all along. You've been letting him into the castle to kill the boy." He heard Lupin say "No Severus, please, no," but the sound was very distant and not really heard above the roar of Snape's blood pounding through his veins and his own rising voice.

"Your supposed best friend's child! Why would you do that for Black? Why? Was he your lover before? Is that it? Have you been duping me all along? TELL ME LUPIN!" he roared, quite out of his wits, not even seeing in his blind rage that Lupin was collapsing before him and his body starting to convulse and his eyes rolling back as Snape grabbed his robes in his fists. It was only when Lupin began to scream that Snape became aware of what had happened and released his hands as if burnt and moved away in shock, his eyes widening as Lupin's body twisted as it rose into the air. "Remus," he gasped as he started to come to his wits.

In a blinding white light that Snape had seen once before on a hilltop nearby, Snape was Disarmed and a full shield charm was cast around Lupin's body in one movement.

"Get away from him, Severus!" Dumbledore hissed out of nowhere, and Snape moved backwards, wandless, and utterly terrified.

"You dare to use Dark magic under this roof," Dumbledore spoke, his voice deep with menace and his wand raised against Snape as he glided towards him, holding Snape's own wand in his left hand.

Lupin had stopped writhing and screaming, but was still convulsing as if Snape had cast the Cruciatus. But he hadn't. Dumbledore must surely know he hadn't.

"No, Albus, please," Snape whispered. "I didn't ... it's not..."

"Silence!" Dumbledore's powerfully resonant voice sliced through Snape's feeble protestations. Snape felt the thrum of Dumbledore's restrained magic. "Go to your quarters now. I will deal with you there. Go!"

Snape arrived at his quarters, his ragged breath tearing at his lungs as he fell through the door. He went straight to the Firewhiskey bottle he and Lupin had left hours earlier, and poured himself a glass. A fair amount ended up around the glass and on the floor his hands shook so badly. The sight of Lupin twisting and screaming before him replayed over and over in his mind's eye and he slid to the floor, his breath hitching as he started to weep. Lupin would never forgive him. Never, and nor could he even expect it. He covered his face with his hands.

The punishment threshold for his anger was the Cruciatus curse. A Dark enchantment with an Unforgiveable curse as its punishment. That bastard Malfoy certainly had enjoyed himself with this enchantment. He hoped he survived this to give Malfoy a dose of this back with interest for his and Lupin's sake. He downed the glass in one, and poured another. Dumbledore would have him in Azkaban by morning if Snape couldn't convince him he hadn't been the caster of either. He downed the second.

He managed to stand shakily, poured a third and went to sit at his desk with the bottle so he could help himself liberally. Dumbledore would have taken Lupin to the hospital wing. Poppy would give Lupin the Potion Snape himself had created and perfected when he was in the service of the Dark Lord. He had received the Cruciatus often and had used all his Potions skill to invent a potion that could repair the nerve endings that would be torn and shorn by this most cruel of curses. It would work eventually, but Lupin would suffer the excruciating after-effects for a day or so to come.

Would Dumbledore tell Poppy that Snape had cast Dark magic against Lupin? And Minerva and Filius? He leant his head on the desk and laced his fingers over the back of his hair, keening in his distress.

His breath eventually calmed, and his tears dried on his face. Soon Dumbledore would come. Snape's mind was in disarray and he didn't know what he would say. Yesterday, he had been happy. Now, he had tortured and lost Lupin through his own ridiculous rage and jealousy, Dumbledore would never listen to or trust him again, and he had no-one; he was utterly alone.
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You Will Not Kiss Me