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Book 3: Aliens In Order Of The Phoenix	By : DamianTheSnowLeox Category: Harry Potter Crossovers > Slash - Male/Male Views: 3263 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Ball Z, Dragon Ball Super or Harry Potter characters and related material. I do not make any money from writing this story.

Chapter List
- 12
- 13
- 14
Bardock Shenanigans

(18+ Scenes Ahead)

Bardock slammed his door shut and launched himself onto his bed; no words could describe how fed up he was with the pink pig known and Dolores Umbridge. He clutched his pillow and screamed into it:

“I NEED TO FUCK SOMETHING!”

He rolled into his back, a deep scowl on his face. Going over two weeks without any sort of sexual release was step one for making an irritable Saiyan. Step two was being around a pink, nagging parasite that watched him like an old Saiyan hag. Bardock picked up his flask and swished it around a bit, debating on whether or not to talk it or to just go into town as he was. He chuckled as he realized he would probably be mistaken for his son if he did, people could probably easily tell the similarities then connect the dots. He shrugged then tilted his head back and took a swing of the potion then put the flask into his pocket. He shuddered slightly at the taste then stood up and went through his clothes for something casual. He tossed out a dark blue with black trim muscle shirt then a pair of gym shorts; he was thinking of going for the athletic shtick today to get some action. He shrugged off his school teacher assistant uniform then pulled on his workout outfit. He stood in front of a mirror for a moment then smirked as he patted his upper arm as he flexed “If this doesn’t get me some ass I don’t know what will.” Luckily for him, his room had two doors; one that led into the courtyard and one that led into a hallway. He left through the courtyard door after stashing a flask into his pocket. When he locked his door, he did a few stretches then started into a casual jog to the front gates to head to Hogsmeade.

“Professor Tsarschild?”

Bardock halted in his jog then turned to see a girl he assumed was in the seventh year approach him “What’s up?” he tilted his head to the left a bit “Coraline right?”

The girl chuckled “Caroline, but close enough.”

Karcdob snapped his fingers “Ah yes, right.” he put his hands on his hips “What can I do ya for?”

Caroline laced her fingers together in front of her, pushed her bosom forward a bit in the process “Me and a couple of friends were just curious… How old are you?”

Karcdob chuckled “Twenty-eight if you must know.”

The girl blinked then blushed “O-Oh! You’re a lot younger than we thought.”

Karcdob took a few steps forwards as he crossed his arms, making sure his arm muscles bulged. “And how old did you think I was?”

Caroline fidgeted at the subtle display of masculinity “Uh, my friend Jenny said she thought you were in your thirties. John thought you were nineteen or twenty.”

Bardock chuckled “John flatters me. Though I feel like I should be insulted by Jenny.”

Caroline waved her hand “I don't think she meant any harm by it. You just have that look that makes it hard to tell your exact age.”

The Saiyan laughed “So if I had said I was forty-something you would have believed me?

Caroline shook her head and giggled “No no, you don't look over thirty to me. Better looking than most of the boys here at school honestly.”

Karcdob rolled his eyes “Jee thanks.” He rolled his neck to crack it then walked up to the girl so he was only one and a half feet away from the blushing girl. “You know…” He said in a low voice that made Caroline’s knees weak “You shouldn't try to flirt with a man who is twice your age.”

The teenage girl blushed heavily and stuttered “I... Uh... Not…”

Karcdob chuckled darkly “I’m flattered that you find me attractive Caroline.” He smirked toothily and brushed a stray black hair behind her ear “You should get back inside young one, many unsavory characters roam the night. It would be a shame for you to get caught up with one of said characters.” Karcdob walked past Caroline “Have a good night Caroline.”

Caroline was frozen to the spot as the attractive and muscled teachers assistant spoke to her. When he said her name as he said good night, she felt like the spell that was keeping her frozen there was broken and she turned then stuttered out “G-Good night P-Professor Ts-Tsarschild.”

Bardock didn’t say anything but waved with two fingers and he started into a jog. He shook his head and chuckled as he thought about the student “Cute girl.” He headed down the steps towards the village “Not my type though.”

When he got into town, he worked up a sweat after running laps around the village and in the woods. It irked him that this body wasn’t used to what he normally was so he sometimes forgot to pace himself. He collapsed on a bench in the village and sunk into the bench with a loud groan, his head rolling back as he tried to catch his breath.

“If you put your hands on your head you can breath easier, sitting up helps too.”

Bardock, still panting, lifted his head to see a dirty blonde with pale skin walking up to the bench then sitting down next to him “Really?” The Saiyan put his hands behind his head and blinked as he actually did feel better “Hn, thanks.”

The blonde held out his hand “Ian.”

Bardock looked down at his hand then put down one of his hands to shake Ian’s hand “Karcdob.” He put his hand back up to his head after they shook hands.

Ian nodded “Pleasure.” He crossed his leg so his ankle was resting on his knee.

Bardock glanced at Ian from the corner of his eye; the male wasn’t bad looking. Ian had a paleness that reminded him of snow. His light blue, almost white, irises making him even more appealing to the idea of the male being the personification of winter. Bardock cracked his neck “Going into Broomsticks for a drink, care to join?”

Ian smiled “Sure, i’ve got nothing else to do.”

They both stood up and headed into the Three Broomsticks and got seated at a table. As a woman bustled by, Karcdob called out “Hey Sweetcheeks, I don’t get a hello?”

The woman turned and rolled her eyes and she put her hands on her hips “Hello Dob.” she looked at Ian and raised a thin brow “Luring another poor soul into the 'Devil’s Den' Dob?”

Karcdob laughed “You know I wouldn’t do that Sweetcheeks.”

The woman swatted his shoulder “Don’t ‘sweetcheek’ me Karcdob Tsarschild.” She wagged a finger at the Saiyan “If I find you snogging behind my pub again-”

Karcdob waved his hands “Relax Rosmerta! I wouldn’t do that… again.” he grinned.’

Madam Rosmerta sighed exasperatedly then looked at Ian “Watch out for this one, he’s a wolf in disguise he is.”

Ian chuckled “A wolf? I doubt that.”

Karcdob put a hand to his chest a pouted “You wound me Ian. I worked hard for that title.”

Rosmerta swatted Bardock again who laughed at her “Ooh! One of these days!”

Karcdob put his hands behind his head and winked at Madam Rosmerta “One of these days I’ll get you to say yes to spending a night with me Darlin'.”

Rosmerta sighed and put up her hands “I give up.” she looked at Ian “Don’t let his gentlemen act fool you,” she glared at Bardock who was grinning “He’ll jump on you like a niffler seeing gold.”

Bardock put up his hands “Hey, all I want right now is two cups of water and four shots of firewhiskey.”

Madam Rosmerta put her hands on her hips again “You got money this time? I didn’t forget the last time you came here and ‘forgot’ your payment!”

Bardock sighed “Forget my coin purse ONCE in this blasted town and now I’m on the watch list.”

Ian laughed “Either way, i’ll get this one. On me.”

Bardock leaned forwards, his hands lacing together “Careful, I might fall for you if you keep buying me things.”

Ian smirked “Guess I’ll have to keep buying then.”

Rosmerta flailed her hands “Whatever. I’ll be back.” she pointed at Bardock “You keep it clean and no funny business!”

Bardock chuckled “Alright alright, you have my word Rosy.”

Rosmerta’s cheeks tinted pink at the nickname then she bustled away. Ian leaned forwards “You and Madam Rosmerta seem to be good friends.”

Barock shrugged “Oh yeah, the best way to become friends with her is to be on the verge of shagging someone against the back of her pub.”

Ian raised his eyebrows “Seriously? You did that?”

Bardock chuckled and leaned back in his chair “I’ve never been one for modesty. Besides, he was a good shag once we got to the woods.”

Ian leaned back in his own chair and crossed his arms “Oh? So you have a reputation for being a playboy?”

Bardock winked at Ian “Of course, so many handsome young men that travel through here looking for a quick release that i’m willing to give them.” he shrugged “Who am I to deny what they want?”

Rosmerta came back over with a serving plate with water glasses and firewhiskey shots “Here ya are you two.” she put down the cups on the table.

Bardock lifted a shot to Rosmerta “How about a drink for old times sake hm?”

Rosmerta huffed then took the shot glass “Fine.”

Bardock took another shot glass and Ian took one as well. The Saiyan raised his cup and looked up at Rosmerta who said “To life.”

Ian smiled “To new friends.”

Bardock winked “To all the sexy men looking for a shag.”

Rosmerta scowled “Bloody Merlin Dob, just drink.”

Bardock laughed “Okay. Drink!” All three of them knocked back their shots at the same time and slammed them on the table. Bardock hollered once “Ah! Damn that’s good shit.”

Rosmerta swatted him again “You and that mouth of yours!”

Karcdob licked his lips “C’mon Darlin’ you know you like my filthy mouth.”

Rosmerta waved her hands again and groaned “I’ll be back later.” She then bustled over to her other tables.

Ian and Bardock both burst out laughing after she left. Ian slapped his knee and cackled “Are you trying to piss her off on purpose?”

Karcdob grinned then shrugged “The world shall never know!” he picked up the remaining shot and knocked it back then slammed it down “Damn I love that shit!” He smoothed back his hair- to which it just bounced back into place- leaned forwards then smirked crookedly at Ian “So, what do you say to the two of us sneaking around back and snogging each other’s brains out?”

Ian raised an eyebrow “You do realize you just met me and I just met you right?”

Bardock waved a hand in dismissal “Bah, what does that matter. You only live once so why not take fun risks?”

Ian shrugged “Alright then, sounds fun.” he waved over Rosetta and he handed her the appropriate coinage “Ima walk Karcdob here back to his house or whereever. See you tomorrow maybe.”

Rosetta nodded “Alright, you two stay out of trouble. I'm talking to you Tsarschild.” She eyed the Saiyan.

Bardock put on an innocent expression “When have I ever caused trouble Madam Rosmerta? I'm a Saint.”

Rosmerta rolled her eyes “Yeah and I'm the Minister for Magic. Get out of my pub.” She took out a cloth and started to hit Bardock’s arm with it.

Bardock stood up and laughed as he was getting hit “Alright alright! I’m leaving!” hH got to the door and turned around, putting his hands on either side of the door frame “You’ll miss me Rosy.”

Rosmerta huffed “Not on your life Karcdob.”

Karcdob winked “You know it's true Sweetcheeks.” He back out laughing then joined Ian outside. He looped his arm with Ian’s and smiled crookedly “Care to help me defile the back wall of this pub?”

Ian laughed “Sure, why not?”

Bardock grinned as they snuck around to the back of the pub. When they got to the back, Ian turned on the Saiyan, pushed him against the wall then kissed him.

Bardock leaned into the kiss as he put his hands on Ian’s hips. When they parted, Karcdob smirked with a single raised brow “Someone seems eager to snog someone they just met.”

Ian chuckled “As you said; you only live once.”

Bardock smiled handsomely “Fair enough.” He grabbed the collar of Ian’s shirt and pulled on it so their bodies were flush with each other as they kissed. When Karcdob slithered his tongue into Ian’s mouth, his cock twitched with interest at the soft moan the blonde let out. Bardock mentally purred then slid his hands down and squeezed Ian’s ass cheeks with both hands, electing a surprised gasp from Ian. Bardock smirked “Something wrong Ian?”

Ian playfully glared at Karcdob, the Saiyan just realizing that the other male was actually taller than him by about two inches. “I do believe you are touching my arse, sir.”

Karcock nodded “Mm, and what an ass it is.” He gave the cloth covered globes another squeeze before pulling Ian’s hips against his own and leaning up into another kiss.

Ian pressed into the kiss and poked out his own tongue to meet with the other male’s. Their tongues slid against each other as Ian ran his hands down Karcdob’s shirt, under the hem then roamed upwards to touch the Saiyan’s muscled back.

Bardock’s inner Saiyan trilled at the obvious arousal pressing against his own. He licked Ian’s lower lip then murmured in a husky voice “Looks like someone is getting excited.” He arched his body so his hips rubbed against Ian’s, said male let out a low moan at the friction.

Ian let out a heavy breath “How could I not? Not like you’re hiding anything either Karcdob.”

Karcdob bit his lip then made up his mind “Ah, could you perhaps call me Bardock? It’s my other name… I prefer that name in situations like this to be honest.” he smirked “Gets me more worked up then being called Karcdob.”

Ian chuckled then said in a sultry voice “Whatever you say, Bardock.”

Bardock shuddered at his name being called like that “Mmm… Say it again…”

Ian squished Bardock again the wall and murmured in the other male’s ear “Bardock…”

Bardock gasped as Ian rolled his hips again his own “Fuck…” He quickly wrapped his arms around Ian’s neck and proceeded to heavily make out with the blonde male.

Ian couldn’t remember ever snogged someone as intensity as this. Something about the black haired, blue eyed male turned him on it a way he’d never felt. He kissed down to Bardock’s neck then murmured “Bardock…” He relished in the moan Bardock let out and how the male’s hands roamed to his back then gripped the fabric there.

“Nnh… Yes…” Bardock leaned his head back as let Ian nip, kiss and lick his neck. His eyes fluttered as Ian slid his hands down to grasp his ass then squeezed. “Mnh…”

The blonde licked up the salt on the muscled male’s skin, loving the noises Bardock let out at his advances. He moved back up then to Bardock’s ear, lightly bit the lower lobe and tugged on it then muttered “Mmm… Bardock…”

Bardock looped his arms around Ian’s neck again and rocked his hips against the other male’s “Yes… Gods yes…” He pulled Ian into another breath stealing kiss and the two resumed kissing heavily and grinding against the other.

“Merlin damn it Karcdob!”

The two jolted when they heard a female voice snap at them. Karcdob smiled crookedly at Rosmerta “Yes dearest?”

Madam Rosmerta waved a rag at them “Get out of here Tsarschild before I stun you then drag you out myself!”

Bardock laughed “Fine killjoy, we’ll leave.” He winked at her then rolled his hips against Ian’s as his arms were still around his neck “You could join us you know. Take a few minutes to relax and enjoy some pleasure.”

Rosmerta huffed “You know I can’t do that.” She looked up at the sky; it was a darkening purple-blue color now. She looked back at Bardock and Ian “Now clear out before I actually stun you both for inappropriate public behavior against my building!”

Bardock dramatically sighed “Fine Rosy, we’ll leave.” he winked as he walked past her “My offer still stands gorgeous.” He waved with two fingers then winked to Ian “C’mon handsome, apparently we’re not welcome here.”

Rosmerta swatted Bardock’s ass with a rag as he passed “No you’re not! Now get!” She huffed and went back into her pub.

Bardock rubbed his ass and chuckled “Kinky little cougar ain’t she?”

Ian laughed as they walked towards the woods “I think she actually is interested but is just so busy she can’t.”

Bardock shrugged “She’ll come to me one day, just you wait.” When they got past the tree line and at least five trees in, Bardock grabbed Ian’s shirt and pushed him against a tree, grinding his hips against Ian’s “Now, where were we?”

Ian looked up thoughtfully “Hmm… I do believe we were drying humping each other likes dogs.”

Bardock barked out a laugh “You’ve got quite the tongue on you doncha?”

Ian grabbed Bardock’s hips and kneaded them “Mmm, wouldn’t you like to find out.”

Bardock smiled crookedly, flashing his canines “You offering?” He licked his lips then ran his hands up the blonde’s chest “Because I wouldn’t say no to such a treat.”

Ian kissed Bardock’s lips then moved his mouth to hover near the other male’s ear “You’d like that wouldn’t you? This tongue, these lips, touching and tasting you-” he gently groped Bardock’s straining bulge “Here…”

The Saiyan moaned at the stimulation “Mmm yeah…”

Ian kissed Bardock again then looked into the males blue, lidded eyes “So I have your consent with this yes?”

Bardock grinded his tent against Ian’s and licked his lips again “Hell yeah you do.”

Ian grinned “Good to hear.” The blonde knelt down on both knees then ran his hands up from Bardock’s knees to his hips, where he curled his fingers around the stretchy hem of the gym shorts. He pulled them down to the man’s knees then widened his eyes at the slightly leaking, large cock that was on his face. “Merlin…” He licked his lips hungrily then looked up, both blue eyes meeting the other’s. Ian reached up with his left hand and started to slowly stroke Bardock’s cock.

“Mmph… Yeaaah…” The Saiyan put a hand in Ian’s hair and stroked the blonde locks “Don’t tease with your hand blondie, I wanna feel those lips and that tongue on me.”

Ian smirked “No need to tell me twice.” He looked back down at the cock in front of him. He’d never think that he’d ever considered a male sex organ to be sexy or appealing, but this one definitely had an appeal to it that made him want it in his mouth. He gulped thickly then leaned his head forwards and gave the head a lick, tasting the pre that had collected in the slit. He throbbed at the groan Bardock let out as he rolled the musky taste in his mouth. He then moved his head forwards more and enclosed his lips around the head.

Bardock watched through lidded eyes as the tip of his manhood disappeared into the other male’s mouth. “Gods that’s hot…” He let out a low groan as Ian locked eyes with him as he took more of his cock into his mouth. Bardock felt Ian’s tongue slide along the underside of his cock and he leaned his head back and moaned “Damn…” He pet and threaded his fingers through the blonde’s hair as Ian continued to pleasure him orally, using his tongue and suction to slowly bring the Saiyan to his climax. Bardock heard the sound of a zipper being pulled and he looked down to see that Ian had undone his pants and was currently tugging out his hard-on. Bardock rolled his head back as he groaned at the stimulation then returned to watching his entire cock disappear then reappear from Ian’s lips. Ian had a firm grip on his muscular thighs, roughly kneading them as he bob his head back and forth. After about five of delicious suction, tongue teasing, and obscene wet noises, Bardock growled out in warning “Ian…”

Ian locked his eyes on Bardock’s face as he doubled his efforts, set on watching the black haired male’s face as he orgasmed. Bardock arched his back as a loud groan bubbled from his throat, his climax rippling through him as he came down the blonde’s throat. Ian eagerly gulped down Bardock’s cum, feeling extremely aroused by the noises and bliss-filled expression Bardock had. When Bardock’s orgasm finally halted, the Saiyan grinned down at Ian. “Damn Ian, you’ve definitely got a gifted mouth.”

Ian let out the cock in his mouth with a wet pop, stood up then licked his lips “Glad to hear that.” He smirked “You tasted really good, i wasn’t sure if I wanted you to stop cumming.”

Bardock grabbed Ian’s erection and gave it a few pumps as he backed Ian against a tree “Glad I was able to feed the hungry.” He knelt down and rubbed Ian’s shaft against his cheek without breaking eye contact “Now I want my meal too.” Without letting Ian talk back with something cheeky, he swallowed Ian down to the base and started to pleasure the man with years of knowledge of how to bring a man to a mind-blowing orgasm.

“F-Fuck!” Ian gasped and grabbed Bardock’s hair as the male skillfully swirled his tongue around his erection “Ughnn… B-Bardock!” He moaned out. Ian tried to watch the skilled male perform oral on him, but the pleasure proved to strong for him so he could only lean his head back and moan wantonly as he withered against a tree trunk. It only took two minutes for Ian to cry out Bardock’s name and cum down the Saiyan’s waiting throat. “Ooh f-fuuuck…” Ian shuddered as Bardock licked up and down his cock to clean it.

Bardock stood up and licked his lips happily; tasting cum on his tongue usually put him in a good mood. “Mm, thanks for the meal.” He murmured huskily, wrapping his arms around Ian’s neck and kissing him deeply.

Ian moaned into the kiss and wrapped his arms around Bardock’s wait. He stuck his tongue into the male’s mouth to taste himself but a moan caught in his throat as the Saiyan took hold of his tongue and sucked on it. When they parted for much needed air, Ian gasped out “Wow…”

Bardock hummed in agreement “Mhm, very wow.” He licked Ian’s lower lip then pulled back and stuffed himself back into his gym shorts. When Ian finished putting himself away, Bardock stole another kiss then murmured in the man’s ear “I had fun Ian.” He stepped back then smirked “See you around. Talk to me or send me an owl if you want to have some fun again.” He walked away then waved with two fingers, walking into the darkness and towards the castle.

Ian leaned against the tree behind him then thunked his head against it “Damn… He’s bloody brilliant…”
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Book 3: Aliens In Order Of The Phoenix