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Freud and his Friends	By : Alexa Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 4875 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 13
- 14
Freud and his Friends � 14 � Session 11

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Frank had biscuits on the coffee table today. Draco helped
himself.

"So�? It's been over a week after our last session.
How have you been?"

"Miserable," he smirked self deprecatingly.
"Harry broke up with me. I'm staying at an inn."

"Oh," he took a pause. "And how is it? How
are you handling it?"

"Well, I think I'm in shock. It doesn't feel as bad as
I thought it would. It's sort of � mundane. And at the same
time, not. You know, the world keeps turning, absolutely as it turned
before, and I'm � I don't know how I am. I keep turning with it I suppose. Which just feels wrong. I feel like a part of me is
somewhere behind a mirror, looking out at the way the rest of me keeps
existing, with the rest of the world. Fells strange.
But generally I try not to think about it too much."

"And this detached pert of your self � how is it
feeling?"

"I think it's trying very hard not to feel."

"Is it succeeding?"

"Nah, not at all. How could
it?"

"What is it feeling then?"

"Lost. Disoriented.
I don't think it even knows where it is. Like being lost in a
big city. Portkeyed to a big city and not knowing where it is or what language
everybody speaks, or how to get out of there. Even what direction home
is � I have no idea.

But as I said, mostly I don't pay much attention to it.
It's just � there."

"I see. And the rest of you?
How is it?"

"Fine, I guess. Well, not fine, but it's faring
alright. I'm still working, and I'm looking for a flat in my free time. There
are things to do, which is good."

"And your friends? Do they
know what happened?"

"Yes. I firecalled Blaise yesterday after Hermione called. He was sympathetic.
Hermione too. Though she was going for the 'It's all
for the best' angle. Harry is her friend, first, foremost. So I guess I know
now what his take on the issue is. Not that I didn't know before � he broke up
with me singing the same tune, but now I know he hadn't changed his mind."

"Do you wish he would?"

"Yes." Fervently.

"Are you hoping he will?"

"Yes. Hoping is not the same as thinking he will,
though. Unfortunately. I wish he would. I think we
were worth working on. Are worth." He laughed.
"Were, I suppose, after all. And to him � weren't." The smile changed
to something calmer, less twisted, more sad. "I
am very bitter today, aren't I? It's sad, really."

"What is?"

"Everything. Everything I've
become over this. Everything that I am. A broken little Draco with his broken little dreams."

"What are your plans then? Apart
from finding a flat. Have you considered going away for a while?"

"No, actually. The job won't
let me. And the last place I want to be right now is someplace unfamiliar.
Everything feels foreign enough. I think I want to opposite � some stability.
And Harry's close by for now. We decided to remain friends � did I tell you
that? I don't know how that will work."

"Do you wish to remain friends with him? Were you ever
friends?"

"No, now that I think of it � we were never friends. I
have no idea if we can be. I don't know how to be his friend. I either hated or
loved him, nothing in between."

"Do you wish to find a place for friendship now, try
it out?"

"It would be a strange friendship indeed � I still
love him, he, well, I believe he still loves me as well. Can two people in love
be friends?"

"It really depends on the people. Most often � no,
they cannot."

"We'll see how it goes for us I suppose. I'm not
letting him go, so if it's friends, then it's friends. Maybe it will be good be
good for us � we could work some things out, then maybe we will get back
together. I think that could work."

"What things would you put on the list as the highest
priority to work out, then?"

"Oh, so many. It keeps coming
to me, all the time. Things that I could have done
differently. So many mistakes, I acted so badly towards him so many
times."

"Specifically?"

"The temper tantrums, the constant calling, the
nagging,�"

"Draco, do you think it was entirely your fault?"

"Well, it was mostly, wasn't it? I mean, you take away
just those three things and we wouldn't be here now, now would we? And he
didn't deserve it. I keep remembering him trying to be understanding,
accommodating. When I told him that I had no idea what was happening to me � he
was scared, genuinely scared with me of that something that was breaking us
apart. Which was � me."

"So you have the solution now? You behave, and things
will get back to how they were, and everything will be fine? Again?"

"Not so much so, no. But. If
I could work through the tantrums, then it would be feasible. We already said
that the problems stemmed mostly from me, how I was feeling. So we know which
side to work on."

"Draco� Do you remember what we were discussing for
the last two months? The relationship itself had problems. On
both sides. You weren't happy; not just bad-tempered,
but really unhappy. Unsatisfied."

"Obviously this is a case of 'didn't know what I had
until I lost it.' I can't imagine anyone else giving me what Harry gave me. I
see that now. I was definitely better before the break up."

"Most break ups of relationships leave the survivors
disoriented. Some of the major parts of your life changed, Draco � that doesn't
make it the end of the world, you realize. Life goes on, and new things are
built." He sighed. "Draco, tell me, why do you think you're pulling
all the guilt onto your shoulders?"

"It� Oh, God, because I can change it then. I want to
change it. I � I really don't want it to be like it is now. I want us back
together. I want my Harry, my home, my friends back. I just want it all back. I
never wanted to let it go in the first place. And now I'm living in a hotel,
eating hotel food, going to work, and it's all hollow. There is nothing to look
forward to. Hell there is nothing to even fight about � nothing to anchor me. I
have no idea what I'm doing. The job is meaningless, a joke. I don't know why I
keep going. But what else is there? And friends � they're his friends. I'm sure
they'll stick with him. And thank God we're � he and I � are staying friends:
that way his friends don't have to choose between us, and I keep some of the
people in my life. Though it is obvious whose side they would stay on, and who
would be cut off. And Blaise, well Blaise is a Slytherin. His friendship is different; though
I'm glad he's there."

"I understand, Draco. But if it isn't solely your
fault in reality, and your behaviors weren't just you being a prat, it was you
hurting, hurting for a reason, you see how pulling all the blame to yourself
won't work? It's not true, so you can't just 'fix' it."

"I wish I could, Frank. I really want to, I just want it all back."

"Draco, do you really want it back the way it was?
With all the problems you two had? With the communication problems so big they
ended up with you being raped?"

"It wasn't rape. I started it myself."

"And yet it wasn't quite what you bargained for. Tell
me, did it lift the guilt you had over what you did to him?"

"In part. But now, I feel
guilty for causing him to do it. He was a wreck over it, and he didn't want to
do it � I pushed him into it. So it's really adding some more guilt for me
raping him again. Just in a different way. And it was the last straw that broke
our relationship. It's a lose-lose situation from
every angle."

"And yet you were hurt as well. And, again, I ask � do
you want the relationship that led to all that, back? The way it was?"

"No. Of course not. I do want
to change things, correct them. I'll keep working on myself. I admit, I'm not fit for a relationship as I am now. But that will
change. And we'll see what happens then."

"Draco, what I'm trying to make you see, is that you
deserve to be happy. The purpose is to be happy with your life, to make a life
in which you are happy. And if a relationship with Harry is a part of than
that's fine, but to put the relationship above your happiness, ignore what it
was doing to you � that's not going to get you anyplace worth being. Let's
work, but don't make the goal 'getting Harry back' make it 'getting Draco
back.' You lost so much of yourself in the last few years, you said yourself
you didn't have much of yourself to begin with because of your upbringing. You
need to find out who is there under all these layers, and then see what kind of
life, and relationship that person wants and needs. I'm not going to put you
under Imperius and make you into the picture of a man
that would be the best possible boyfriend for Harry Potter. No one would want
that for you � not me, not your friends, not Harry. And not
yourself. Do you see how destructive the idea is?"

Draco sighed, hands tightening, fingers pushing into the
center of the palms. "I do see." He thought he might cry from the
strain of it all. He knew that was useless, unseemly. He still couldn't help
it. He also knew his voice would gave him away when he
spoke. He took a few big, though discreet, breaths before he spoke again. His
first syllable told him he failed � his throat ached and he heard the lump
stuck in it. He kept on anyway � there was nothing for it. "I � I wish it
wasn't so. It just hurts. And I don't know what to do. What am I
supposed to do now? I'm afraid that if I let myself I'll just break down and
start smashing things, and what that would solve? And it feels like if I let go
I'll myself get smashed, and fall to pieces � and there is no one to even pick
them up if I do � no one who cares, and I don't know what to do with all of
that." He was crying now. Not that it mattered � he couldn't force himself
to stop no matter what he did. It just got worse with every word. "I just
want to hurt something, and myself � I think that would feel good. But I'm
scared of starting, I'm scared I won't stop. And it's
so pathetic, too � poor little Draco Malfoy, lowered to the state where he's
just mindless and fallen, and bleeding. And even then it won't matter � because
what does Draco Malfoy matter? Who is he? He was the Malfoy heir, but that was
another time, and he was Harry Potter's love, but that was another time, too.
And now � I'm just a clerk in a decorating firm, ordering magical lavatories
for rich clients. Who's going care if some nobody falls apart and goes a bit
mad?"

"Draco. I will care. And your friends will care. And
even Harry will care. And you're not a nobody � you're
yourself. You just have to find that self, and if you have to fall apart to do
it then you can do that. And we'll pick the pieces, and they'll be fine, we'll
even wrap them in cotton if we have to. But it's ok �
either way, it's going to be ok, and we will get you through this, and you'll
come out all the better for it. I promise."

"Thanks." He tried to smile � "Cotton,
Frank?"

"Yes, Draco. I'll even tie it
all with a bow if I have to. You'll be fine."

"Do you have tissues?"

"Sure," he pulled a drawer and set a box of
tissues on the table. "Here. Would you like some water?"

"Yes. Thank you."

Frank conjured a glass of it. Than waited until Draco
finished it all.

"Feeling better now?"

"Yes, thank you." On the whole he didn't, but at
least he wasn't on the breaking point anymore.

"It will be alright, Draco. You'll see."

Draco glanced at the clock that hung behind Frank's back.

"I should go now. I already took more than my share of
your time."

"It's perfectly fine. Don't worry about it. Do you
want a cup of tea before you floo out?"

"That would be nice."

It was a silent, but amicable cup of tea. When it was empty
Draco got up, feeling much steadier, and said his goodbyes to Frank, then left
for his inn. When he got to the room he had a long nap.

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A/N: Well, I hope this makes up somewhat for the long
wait for chapter 13. And for the quality of that chapter �
wasn't my best work, unfortunately. I hope very much that you review,
and that you're enjoying the story so far.
- 13
- 14
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Freud and his Friends