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You Will Not Kiss Me	By : Prosperosdaughter Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Snape/Remus Views: 22836 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: JK Rowling & her associates own the Harry Potter universe and I make no money from my stories.

Chapter List
- 13
- 14
- 15
Chapter 14: Confessions

It was many hours before Dumbledore came to Snape's quarters. In that time, Snape had drunk himself into a state of worn out desolation then onto mindless oblivion.

Snape became dimly aware through the hammering in his head of his name being called sharply. His eyes were sore and puffy, and his neck and back were stiff and painful. He realised he'd passed out drunk on his desk where he'd sat drinking. He felt slight pressure on his shoulder. His eyes fluttered open and focused on Dumbledore standing before him. He tried to sit up straight quickly, but ended up with his head in his hands to try to stop the pressure cracking his skull open. A small phial was placed on the desk in front of him.

"Drink it," Dumbledore said curtly. "Shower, and get dressed."

Snape drank the Sober-Up Potion and then stood gingerly, testing each step against his ferocious headache and aching limbs. He snatched a quick look at Dumbledore's face. The expression was closed, the mouth thin and his eyes were appraising. It had been many, many years since Dumbledore had looked upon him in that mistrusting and calculating manner and it made his guts churn.

As he showered, practically scrubbing himself raw in his agitation, the Potion quickly got to work dispelling the after effects of his excessive drinking bout, but it didn't help with the incessant churning in his gut or the trembling in his limbs that were the result of his fear, not his hangover. His small window in his bathroom told him it was after dawn, he assumed on the Sunday. At least Dumbledore hadn't hexed him into the arms of waiting Aurors, which was what he had expected, so perhaps he would have the chance to plead his case. Even so, he knew how the man despised Dark magic. Used on one of his golden Gryffindors, he would no doubt be beyond fury.

Snape knew the power of the man. He had served both Dumbledore and the Dark Lord. He had feared the limitless cruelty of the Dark Lord, without doubt, but he feared Dumbledore more. Yes, the Dark Lord had been powerful but he was dismissive of that which he did not value or understand. Dumbledore was powerful, but tempered his own power with his compassion and vast knowledge; he understood the soul and the ancient and natural magics that interwove through all living things. Dumbledore had taught him to see through the vanity of power and had shown Snape how to re-connect with his own soul. It had been heart-rending but, for the first time in his life after Lily's murder, he had felt he could earn some degree of redemption, even if it was a long and painful process. He needed and wanted that so greatly that the thought of losing that long-term goal, with everything else he had lost last night, physically pained him and found himself now devastated.

Clean now, shaven and dressed, he entered his own drawing room like a penitent to confession.

Dumbledore stood, straight-backed in front of the fireplace, looking nothing like 114 years of age, except in wisdom. Snape knew his dotty grandfather act concealed an incisive and brilliant mind, that only gained acuity with each passing year, and magical power, still accreting to itself, beyond most wizards' wildest imaginings.

The time of reckoning had come, just as it had done before. There could be no dissembling from Albus Dumbledore. Snape stood before him feeling every one of the eighty years difference in their ages, feeling sorrowful, shamed and worthless.

"You are riddled with Dark magic Severus, even as you stand here before me," Dumbledore stated coldly. "The stain of it covers Remus in the hospital wing. The feel of it disgusts me," Dumbledore exhaled heavily.

"Please do not condemn me without hearing me, Albus," he stated quietly. Unlike the last time when he had pleaded with Dumbledore, only his life was now at stake. This time, he did not grovel. He was calm, although infinitely weary.

Dumbledore would be angry, he knew, but he knew Snape now. Surely, he would give him the benefit of the doubt. "I did not cast the Cruciatus curse on Remus. It is not what it looked like. It is a complicated matter: there is a Dark enchantment, but I swear to you I did not cast it. Will you allow me to explain it to you?"

"Remus has spoken for you but I need to find out for myself from you before I decide on a course of action. He has told me you did not weave it. I know Remus is in your Thrall, Severus. You know as well as I that I cannot take his word on it: he is your bondsman now and cannot act other than your physical compulsion of him allows," Dumbledore said, his disgust passing unguarded on his features.

My bondsman, Severus thought with horror, he is no longer is own man to give evidence for himself because his existence is dependent on me in the eyes of the wizarding world and by this magical bond.

"However, he has told me of your outburst and what caused it and I will make it very plain, Severus, that I trust Remus on this and I do not believe he is helping Sirius Black into this castle. Do you understand me? I do not wish to have this conversation with you again," Dumbledore said in tone of finality. Snape did not argue; he was too guilty about the outcome to examine those events again.

"How is Remus?" Snape almost whispered, fearing Dumbledore's reaction.

"Recovering," was all Dumbledore would say to him, his gaze guarded once more.

Dumbledore indicated that Snape should sit on one of the chairs at the table, and a tray of water and soft drinks appeared. Dumbledore clearly appreciated that a lot of explanation would be thirsty work. He took a seat opposite Snape and gestured for him to begin.

As intensely private as Snape was, he knew this would be difficult for him to tell. Part of him was immensely grateful that Lupin had broken the back of the story by telling it first. The telling of it would be mortifying nonetheless and he braced himself for the shame, justified or otherwise, he would feel. He spoke haltingly and impassively, but truthfully, but gave no private details of his and Lupin's liaisons.

He told Dumbledore of how his feelings had started to alter towards Lupin in November; of the first night of the Call and how it was irresistible; how he thought it was past; but how it then appeared cyclical with the moon; of Lupin's discovery of the Thrall; of their workings towards a counter-enchantment and ritual; he briefly outlined the wolf's splitting from Remus (but did not detail the assault); he set out as much detail as he could remember of the effect on Lupin's transformation. He told Dumbledore that they had carried on their physical relationship even though they knew it was part of a Dark enchantment and had believed they could break the enchantment themselves. He then told him of the conversation with Borgin and his revelations of the proposed target. Then he told of the revelations of the additional curse to appropriate Lupin's magical core that the werewolf itself had told Snape, and their eventual successful vanquishing of that curse.

He told Dumbledore that they knew there were punishment thresholds to the Thrall, which they had thought were limited to how unwell and sleepless Lupin had been when he ignored the Call and his bad transformation, but how this changed when the Thrall had been perfected. Finally, he told him how the first they had realised of the shocking nature of those thresholds was yesterday and he told Dumbledore about the Quidditch match and its aftermath right up to when Dumbledore had discovered them in the third floor corridor. He was honest about his anger and jealousy. Merlin knew, Dumbledore knew all about Snape's anger and jealousy of old.

After two hours, he finished. He waited.

Throughout this lengthy dissertation, Dumbledore had said nothing and had barely moved but had watched Snape intently and listened to every word and every nuance. In addition to his many years of accrued wisdom, his many years of sitting on the Wizengamot had helped to train his ear for mendacity. He regarded Snape steadily over his crescent glasses.

"You know what I must ask of you to test your veracity, Severus. Do you consent?" Dumbledore asked, his gaze like ice, indicating there could be no choice.

"I understand Albus," Snape said wearily. "I ask you to respect our privacy."

"I have only one purpose in ths, Severus," Albus clipped in a dangerous tone.

"I apologise," Snape said quickly, squeezing his eyes shut. Dumbledore had never intruded on his mind, unlike the Dark Lord, who counted it as one of his favourite forms of torture.

Snape breathed deeply and then nodded to Dumbledore, and then held his sharp, deep gaze.

Legilimens.

He felt the gentlest of probing and brushing through knowledge, memories and snap-shots of magic performed. The only inspection was of his magic; no other aspects of his mind were touched. The man truly was the greatest Legilimens who ever lived. Dumbledore was thorough and he inspected Snape's magic for some time. Eventually, clearly having satisfied himself, Dumbledore withdrew gently from Snape's mind.

Dumbledore said nothing but drank some cordial, and then for a time regarded Snape coolly. Snape waited. He could be patient. After some time, Dumbledore's stance seemed to indicate an unspoken decision and he spoke.

"I had become aware in November that you and Remus seemed to have formed an attachment of sorts. Rather than being suspicious, I was delighted. Too much of a sentimental old fool, I suppose. Then, at Christmas, I became aware that there was something very wrong with the way you and Remus were behaving with each other and again on Christmas Day, I detected some inchoate Darkness – not quite formed, but immanent within you. I know you were aware I had. You've certainly being doing your best to avoid me. So, I will apologise to you in the same manner that I have already apologised to Remus. I should not have taken no for an answer from you, Severus. I should have recognised the Darkness for what it was and intervened, forcibly if required."

"It was private Albus, I did not want you to," Snape noted.

"Nevertheless, I will not tolerate Dark magic in this school. Also, the curse was intended for me and I feel responsible for the danger in which you have both been placed. Lethal danger, I may add."

"Certainly Remus was ..." Snape started.

"And you Severus. Remus has told me about the attack of the wolf which was the source and prompt for the violence," Dumbledore interjected, holding his index finger up to make the point.

Snape was thunderstruck. He would not have told Dumbledore that for both their sakes, but mainly for Remus's.

"It does you great credit Severus that you left that brutality out of your account and tells me more about your true feelings than you are possibly aware." Dumbledore gave him a small smile and there was the merest hint of a twinkle. Snape felt he might breathe again at last. "However, if you had come to me at that point, perhaps we could have prevented the perfection of the Thrall later. It's no small wonder the werewolf curse fractured Remus in that manner. Werewolves are notoriously dominant."

Snape shifted in his chair uncomfortably. This was too close to personal detail for him. "I am not well versed in the sexual proclivities of werewolves, or any other Dark creature, for that matter Albus," Snape scowled. "We had no idea of that, or that perfection would follow, or the hideous repercussions it would have for Remus," he declared defensively.

"You will forgive me if I disagree with you, Severus. Any charms, potions or curses to do with love and obsession are always dangerous. And there is always a price to pay for the use of any Dark magic." Dumbledore pinned Snape with his piercing blue eyes. "You," Dumbledore paused slightly, "of all people, know this. For you and Remus, the toll has been heavy." Snape averted his eyes and nodded abruptly, ashamed of his pride.

Dumbledore stood and walked over to the fireplace. He cast a complex revealing enchantment and inspected the privacy wards over the Floo. "That's extraordinary," he breathed. Snape went to stand next him looking at the magical threads his casting had revealed. Using his wand, Dumbledore picked out various strands that were blue, not silver. "You see, these are the wards that allow Remus entrance, no matter what. You see how they do not bear your casting signature? That is the direct effect of the Thrall. Quite extraordinary." He turned to Snape and smiled. "Remus told me your wards had been compromised and I was interested to see how your wards, of all people's, could have been tampered with." He waved the reveal away and the wards disappeared from view.

"I'm pleased to be such a worthwhile diversion," Snape drawled just for something to say, but inwardly pleased as it validated their claim of outside influences. Dumbledore took his seat again, and Snape followed suit.

They sat in silence for a while. Then Albus announced, "Ah, a late breakfast!" just before a house-elf appeared with an overflowing breakfast tray, which Albus set out on the table before them. Snape wasn't hungry, but knew this shared meal was the first step back from the precipice he had found himself on.

As he ate some egg and toast, he found his curiosity piqued. "Albus," Snape ventured. Dumbledore raised his eyebrows in acknowledgement. "Do you know why the casting didn't take to you as the target?"

"Oh yes, dear boy," Dumbledore smiled, wiping the corners of his mouth with his napkin. "I have been the target of such curses, charms and potions for more years than I care to recall, but certainly since I sat on the Wizengamot and have been Headmaster of Hogwarts. There's always a Dark witch or wizard to hoping to either inveigle or blackmail their way to what they want. Voldemort tried several times in fact." Dumbledore shrugged his shoulders in a small chuckle. Snape was astounded. He'd had no idea.

"I was in love once when I was a youth, Severus. This love turned my head to the wrong path in many ways and it ended very badly for everyone, but for one person in particular, for which I can never forgive myself. I will speak no more of it. Suffice it to say, I took a Wizard's oath thereafter of celibacy, which I have not broken to this day. As I cannot break it myself, it cannot be broken by any other person. Not even Amortentia can breach the bastion of that vow."

Snape was reeling from this further astonishing confession. He had suspected he was celibate, assuming it would be due to his advanced age, but certainly not an oath as a young man. He would never know now as he knew Dumbledore would never speak of it again if he said so. He was always resolute when he made such declarations.

"In short, Severus, the Thrall was deflected by my vow. It apparently found another, I believe rather willing, target." He looked at Snape over his glasses with some amusement, which Snape found discomfiting.

"I don't know why you think I was willing ..." Snape blustered.

"Now, now, Severus," Dumbledore chided. "Without the Thrall, you just would have suppressed your feelings, as I've seen you do so often before. But I knew there was a spark, nonetheless at first. Do you deny it?"

"I don't know, truthfully."

"I believe I do. Remus told me that you shared many confidences with each other. I was impressed, Severus. There is no reason for the Thrall to make you unguarded with your innermost secrets.

"I was not the ... erm ... master of it at the time. I don't think it was functioning properly," Snape pointed out, rather embarrassed.

"Even so, such confidences were not necessary to the Thrall. But they were necessary to the two of you trusting each other to work through what was happening to you. Also, look how you worked to find the counter-curse to prevent injury to Remus's magical core. The Thrall does not make the master care for its object. The master has no need to care: he owns the object, no matter how badly he treats it. That you have come to care for Remus is your own doing, Severus. Your relationship can remain once we have unravelled the Thrall, if you want it." Dumbledore glanced up from his breakfast plate, and looked knowingly at Snape.

He's twinkling, Merlin help me! Snape thought, rather hysterically as his fear was pushed to the very edge of his consciousness and his body relaxed. Snape coughed and continued eating. He desperately wanted to see Remus but thought it might be too soon to ask.

"What are your plans to unravel it, Albus," Snape asked instead.

"Remus filled me in on the work you've both been doing. It seems it's coming along. If I may say so, Severus, I have some not inconsiderable skill at casting and arithmancy which I will be happy to lend to your endeavours and I hope you will allow me the honour of be the third person to unravel the Thrall. May I see you current workings after breakfast?"

"Of course, Albus," Snape nodded. They finished eating and called for the house elves to clear away.

Snape retrieved all their papers, workings and books from his locked desk and spread them all before Dumbledore, taking him painstakingly through all the relevant material. Dumbledore found Snape's separate notes on the werewolf's blood lust and pain bindings. Snape explained what he hoped he would be able to do with this, once they had unravelled the Thrall. "Very impressive," Dumbledore said as he perused the final version of the counter-curse for the appropriation curse. Dumbledore cast a copying charm over many of the notes to take for his own use. He also asked to borrow two of the books they had.

"I have given this a great deal of thought Albus," Snape ventured. "I believe that the best time to perform ritual to unravel would be when Remus is at his most strong in the lunar cycle, when the moon begins to wax." Dumbledore nodded and smiled, his smile fully paternal once more. "I think it's realistic for us to aim to remove the Thrall after the next full moon," Dumbledore said with finality.

"Now," Dumbledore said firmly "there is a man who is anxious to see you as I can tell you are to see him." Snape's stomach flipped and the tightening around his heart seemed to ease when Dumbledore said this. Remus is anxious to see me? Could that be true?

"However," Dumbledore raised a finger, "we still have the issue of the Dark magic that is constantly at work. Even as we have been speaking, I see its emanations issuing from your core, Severus. It's a very active curse."

"I'm certainly more than aware of how active this curse is, Albus," Snape snapped, instantly regretting it, even though Dumbledore affected not to notice.

"I have bound the Thrall in Remus. I need do the same to you. Do you consent?" Snape murmured his assent. "This way, you cannot, even unwittingly, activate any of the punishment thresholds on Remus should someone look at either of you in a funny way."

Snape stiffened with offence. He knew he was temperamental, but surely he didn't deserve that. Dumbledore ignored Snape's affront. "It will not affect the ... ah ..." Dumbledore searched for a diplomatic turn of phrase, watching as his Potions Master started to flush as he understood Dumbledore's meaning, "more beneficial effects of the Thrall." Surely Remus didn't tell him that – oh Merlin! Snape thought as he screwed his eyes shut.

Snape stood before Dumbledore as he drew his wand and cast an incantation that Snape felt working its many silky tendrils through his stomach and up into his chest, slightly constricting his breathing and then that feeling eased. He immediately committed the incantation and wand movements to his memory for future research and use.

"Right then, let's be off," Dumbledore said. "Oh Severus," he said lightly as he turned to Snape. "You'll need this." He passed Snape's wand into his hand and patted his shoulder. Snape's eyes shone with gratitude and relief that he could not express. Forgiven.

He arrived at the infirmary wing with Dumbledore. He didn't see Lupin on the ward, but followed Dumbledore to one of the isolation rooms.

Lupin lay in bed in a hospital gown, propped up on many pillows, eyes closed. He looked truly shocking. His skin was practically transparent, with deep purple shadows under his eyes. There were still just perceptible tremors running over his body. Snape's head swam with recollections of just how much pain Lupin would now be feeling. Dumbledore moved in front of him, obscuring his view and went to Lupin's side.

Dumbledore picked up one of his hands gently and patted it. "Remus, dear boy. I've brought Severus with me. Do you still want to see him?"

Still? Snape thought. I thought he'd never want to set eyes on me again. Perhaps he wants to hex me. Well, I'll let him.

He heard Lupin's hoarse affirmative. Snape noted the roughness in his voice, no doubt due to the screaming. Snape's stomach turned over in misery as he moved forward.

"I'll leave you two to talk," Dumbledore said quietly and closed the door behind him.

Snape stood before Lupin. For the second time today, it was time for a reckoning. He looked at the man in pain before him, his heart so full of sorrow, he couldn't bring any words to mind.

"Remus, I ... I ... oh Merlin, Remus, I'm so sorry," he burst out and took a step forward and then stopped himself. He had no idea what Lupin was thinking at this time.

"You must listen to me, Severus" Lupin said weakly. "I'm not very strong at the moment so please don't make things difficult for me. Sit on the bed, so I can talk to you."

Snape sat on the bed, facing Lupin. Lupin took one of Snape's hands lightly in his own. It startled Snape who had expected no such intimacy, but he stroked the hand with his free hand in wonder.

"Do you recall our conversation on Christmas Day?" Lupin started.

"This is hardly the same," Snape protested.

"Isn't it, Severus? Now please don't interrupt me." Lupin spoke with effort, taking many breaths in each sentence, a clear sign of the Cruciatus. "You forgave me for something ... I considered unforgiveable. If you hadn't, I know how much ... I would have despaired to have lost you in that way. I couldn't ... control what the wolf did to you, but as I said to you at the time, ... it was my body that did it. But you understood my affliction ... that was aggravated by the Thrall ... and you forgave me. Now, tell me why ... this is different." Lupin fell back into his pillows, clearly exhausted.

"I was stupid to react that way last night," Snape said, searching Lupin's blue eyes for hatred, but not finding it. "I just should have asked you why you were calling Black in that way. I jumped to conclusions and my temperamental nature betrayed you. My uncontrollable temper tortured you Remus." He shook his head, as if trying to dislodge the memory.

"We'll talk about Sirius ... another time. That's not important now," Lupin wheezed. "We no more knew that this Thrall had the Cruciatus woven in ... than I knew my wolf would take me over on Christmas Eve. ... Don't you see it is the same?" Snape stared at Lupin, desperately hoping that Lupin meant what he was saying, although he could barely believe it.

Lupin took another deep breath, and continued doggedly, never taking his eyes from Snape's. "If there were no Thrall with its punishment curse, ... you would have charged me down, we would have rowed, ... perhaps, we would even have duelled." Lupin smiled his small smile. "Who knows? But I am certain, Severus, ... that you would not have cursed me with the Cruciatus. Certain, ... do you understand me?" He leant forward as far as his weakened body would allow. "Your affliction is your anger and your jealousy ... and mine is lycanthropy. Both were aggravated ... and changed by the Thrall." He pushed himself back into his pillows, slightly panting. "Allow me to forgive you Severus."

Snape moved up the bed and leant forward to kiss Lupin as gently as he could on the lips. "I don't deserve it," he said stubbornly.

"Albus bound the Thrall's punishments. Perhaps ... when I feel better, we should have a good row to clear the air. Then we can throw insults at each other to our hearts' content ... maybe the odd punch or hex. How does that sound?" Lupin smiled and kissed him back.

"You are a better man than I," Snape said, feeling still so terribly humble.

"I don't have the strength to give you ... the same kind of stirring speech you gave to me ... on Christmas Day, Severus," Lupin said gently, kissing Snape's forehead. "So I will just ask you to come to bed."

Snape visibly started and his eyes widened. "Here? In the hospital wing? With Poppy in her office?" he hissed, utterly scandalised.

Lupin smiled. "Private room. Can be warded, if necessary."

"Albus will probably think I'm drinking your blood if I ward the room," Snape said wryly.

"Albus knows why we need this room," Lupin said slyly.

"Oh Merlin's beard," Snape groaned. "You did tell him. I thought you had. Oh my..." Snape flushed so completely, his face was burning.

"It is rather relevant ... to my predicament Severus. I can't afford to be shy," Lupin said frankly. Snape stared at him. Self-absorbed idiot, he thought, wanting to hex himself.

"I'm sorry, Remus. I didn't even think. But I can't pretend that I'm comfortable with this. Poppy doesn't know, though, surely," he said, his eyes widening again.

"Of course not, Severus," Lupin smiled more broadly. "You are a revelation when you are embarrassed. ... It's really very attractive. Did you never sneak around to ... have sex somewhere you shouldn't? It's quite exciting."

"One more missed joy, I'm sure," Snape scowled. "All right, I give in." His hands flew up in mock resignation. He cast privacy wards on the small room and removed his clothes, and transfigured his shirt and trousers into cotton pyjama trousers and a tee shirt for later.

"Poppy really does worry you, doesn't she," Lupin chuckled.

"You have no idea," Snape smirked.

He helped Lupin to move slightly to one side and then slipped into the small bed beside him, his whole body flooding with relief, pleasure but also desire.

He gently pulled Remus into his arms and kissed him as lightly as possible, feeling the small tremors in his body.

"Are you sure Remus?" Snape asked, worried by the tremors.

"I'm certain, Severus," Lupin said, returning the gentle kisses. "It will strengthen me."

Lupin turned and pushed his back to Snape's chest. Snape had never been so gentle with another human being as he was then with Lupin. He chanted to Lupin, and his touch was the lightest he could muster. The Thrall responded, and the vortex took the men more or less as soon as Snape had entered Lupin exquisitely tight muscles. It calmed them, soothed them and healed them in their ecstasy. When the vortex ebbed, Snape noted with happiness that Lupin's tremors had ceased and his breathing became easier. He donned his sleep wear and took the wards from the room and replaced his arms around Lupin's chest, tucking his legs behind Lupin's and just started to feel himself drift off when he heard two sets of footsteps walking down the main ward.

The door to the little side ward opened and Snape heard Poppy say quietly, "They're both sleeping. Taking Wolfsbane notes, indeed! Ha! Everybody thinks they can hoodwink me." Poppy snorted. "Look Albus, they're just like kittens in a basket." Then the door closed quietly.

"Did you hear that, Remus? Kittens in blasted basket!" Snape whispered, outraged. Lupin chuckled deeply.

"I need to hex her," Snape growled.

"No Severus, you don't," Lupin said firmly. Still chuckling, Lupin pulled Snape's arm closer, squeezing it gently, and then fell quickly to sleep. Forgiven, thought Snape, in wonder.
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You Will Not Kiss Me