Adult-FanFiction.org : Harry Potter

I just wanted to ask	By : evil-minded Category: Harry Potter AU/AR > Slash - Male/Male Views: 31281 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 11
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any character from it, Rowling does … I do not make any money out of Harry Potter either, again – Rowling does … I however do own Herbaceous VanHarkins – but I don’t make money of him also … :D …

Chapter List
- 13
- 14
- 15
Author's Notes:

Uhm … ok … I have to admit … English is not my language by birth … so … please do not kill me while reading … neither for the bad English I use, nor for what I am writing …

And yes, I really would appreciate it, if you would honor my work with a short review as I always will honor your comments with an answer … Answers to reviews you have given or the chance to discuss the story you can find here: http://www2.adult-fanfiction.org/forum/index.php/topic/34437-review-replies-for-i-just-wanted-to-ask/

Warning:

Story contains references to child abuse:

Child abuse is a really serious thing, it is an evil thing and there are a lot of children in our world that really would need help without being helped, and closing our eyes and pretending it does not exist – is no solution … handle people, children as well as adults, which are showing any signs – whichever – of once being abused … with understanding and with help …

what does not mean I am not as evil as I pretend to be … ^.~ … believe me – I am …

Story contains adult stuff:

Especially sex between two men … as there is Harry Potter – a male – having sex with Severus Snape – another male … what means those gay things … not to mention that the relationship between the two of them is one based on BDSM …

Don't like it, don't read it …

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Previously in I just wanted to ask

But never mind, he wouldn't abandon him because of this and he growled darkly, startling the boy in his arms who again tried to flinch back.

"Hush, brat!" He whispered, tightening his grip on the smaller form. "Everything will be alright. I have you. You are safe here and I won't harm you. And neither will I abandon you."

I just wanted to ask

Chapter fourteen

Don't you dare!

He held the teenager for a few minutes more in his arms, not only to calm Harry down but himself as well, gently running his fingers up and down the scarred back, softly running his fingers of the other hand through the mop of unruly black hair before finally pulling away and cursing the boy's muggle relatives through all seven gates of hell and back at the flinch Harry displayed yet again.

Sighing heavily and closing his eyes for the umpteenth time today to get himself back under control he gently curled his fingers around the boy's upper arm and led him towards the sofa gently forced him down until he sat there, defeated.

"Wait here, Harry." He then whispered, his voice rough and he had to force the words out. "I will be back momentarily. Some of those cuts are partly reopened due to scratching at them I guess and we need something to cover them with." And he needed a calming draught. As well as did Harry who was in no state to give him just one single answer, but he needed answers.

He moved slowly and carefully until he was far enough away from the boy so he would not startle him and then he quickly went into his personal laboratory and closed the door. After casting a quick silencing charm he took the next bottle that came to his hands and threw it against the wall opposite him, just like he had done a few days ago, but this time the clanking sound it made when it collided with the wall was definitely satisfying and he took a second bottle to throw it and then another one until he was back to his calm and indifferent self – and his laboratory nearly destroyed.

But well, he was back to his calm and indifferent self – outwardly at least, and that was all that mattered right now. But inwardly he still was seething with rage and fury, and more so as he had seen the all those scars all over the teen's thin body.

Scars that partly were fresh, but scars that partly were years old. Again he growled darkly and threw one last bottle against the wall before he took the vials with the potions he right now needed and then left his laboratory and went back to the boy that was his.

"Hush, brat." He whispered when he came back and the boy flinched at his approach, and slowly he placed a gentle hand on the teen's arm, trying to still its trembling. One look into Harry's face showed him enough about the emotions and fears that washed over the boy, he didn't need the connection of the necklace.

"First, to ease what seemed to be your deepest fear, I will not abandon you just because of what you revealed to me today." He said while sitting back at the coffee table and reaching a small vial at the boy. "A calming potion, take it." He watched Harry downing the potion before he reached out another vial.

"A general healing potion." He continued sternly. "Some of the cuts near your shoulder blades are infected, I guess due to being scratched open repeatedly." He held out a third potion, knowing that Harry still was too thin for using too much potions on him and the boy still needed the stomach easing potion and the nutrient potion, but right now he didn't care. He needed Harry as calm as possible as he needed answers and he needed Harry pain free as he had to take care of some of the infected scars. This was not the kind of pain he ever intended to inflict onto the boy.

"A pain easing potion." He explained when the boy took this vial as well and downed it obediently before the Potions Master took this vial back too and placed the small glass containers beside him onto the table.

"Second, I do thank you, that you showed me now." Snape then said, placing his fingers underneath the boy's chin and lifting his head so he had to look at him. "I do understand why you never said anything to anyone who could have been of help. But I still wonder why you did not tell me earlier. This is nothing harmless, Harry. This is serious business. Really serious."

He watched the boy who just helplessly shook his head, trying to avoid his eyes, without success.

"Why, Harry?" He asked, his voice still low and gentle, but stern. "Do you trust me so little?"

He could see the startled expression on the boy's face, that changed into a quick headshake while the boy opened his mouth, just to close it again and lifting his hands in a helpless manner before he finally broke free from his grip on the teen's chin and leaned his forehead atop his hands, slightly leaning forwards.

"Harry." He said to gain the teenager's attention and placed his hand on the bony shoulder, ignoring the flinch, running his thumb over one of those damn scars. "I do not blame you, Harry." He said. "I only demand answers. There are a few things I need to know so I can help you."

He actually could feel the desperation washing over the connection and he sighed.

"Listen to me now, Harry." He said while sitting beside the boy onto the sofa, turning the boy on his shoulders so he had Harry sitting with his back turned towards him. "And it is important that you understand."

He summoned his medical potions kit and waited until Harry gave him a nod before he continued. "Some of your injuries are not healed completely yet." He said while opening the jar with the healing balm and starting to cover those, ignoring the trembling of the muscles beneath his hand and the stiffening of the boy's shoulders the moment he touched him. "I guess you have scratched at them when they healed and started to itch, thus scratched them open repeatedly. Now they however are infected and some of them badly so." He moved on to another one of the infected and barely healed cuts. "The lesser infected ones I can treat with a simple healing salve and they will be alright. But there is one of them that is worse and I have to reopen the cut to clean it out."

The boy turned sharply and looked at him, startled, his green eyes large with fear while shaking his head slightly but continuously.

"Hush, brat." He said, placing his hand onto the boy's shoulder. He hated it doing such things and he hated it just the more as it was his brat this time and he cursed the Dursleys once again. "I will not lie to you, it might hurt a bit, but it only will hurt a moment. And with the pain easing potion I have given you, you barely will even notice. I won't even use a blade but a simple spell. The cut itself won't even hurt as much as the cleaning afterwards."

But still Harry shook his head and tried to get out of his grip and he tightened the hold of his fingers on Harry's shoulder.

"Calm down, Harry." He quietly but sternly said. "What are you more afraid of? The cut or the cleaning out of this blasted injury?"

The Potions Master watched Harry opening his mouth, the shoulders still tense and the shaking fingers curled into fists, but nothing happened and with a frustrated shaking of his head the teenager closed his mouth again and looked aside, folding in on himself like a jack-knife.

"Harry!" Snape said sharply, causing said teenager to rear back violently and he pinched the bridge of his nose. He really should take a deep breath, calm down and get the anger he still felt under control. It wasn't Harry's fault after all. So, closing his eyes he did take a deep breath and slowly released it after a moment.

"Harry." He repeated more calmly while opening his eyes and released the boy's shoulder, took Harry's hand and stroke his thumb over the scar that ran around the wrist. "Please, talk to me."

But once more the boy opened his mouth, closed it, and acted rather as if he were a fish stranded on the shore. He released the teen's wrist and was just about to grab the other one when he noticed Harry moving his hands, carefully and slowly, only slightly, hesitantly, and he needed a second to realize what exactly the boy did. But then he actually could feel himself paling.

"I'm sorry. I tried to tell you."

Severus looked at Harry in near shock. That – was sign language. And Harry used it.

He had to fight hard now to keep his indifferent mask in place, knowing that Harry needed him calm and in control right now.

But if Harry was able to use sign language, then he had done so before. And if he had done so before, then he either knew someone unable to speak or hear, or he had been in need of doing so before. And considering the situation right now then he doubted the former possibility.

In other words – his brat not only was unable to say what he was thinking from time to time because he simply didn't find the words he needed. No. It actually meant that his brat wasn't able to speak at all in situations that had grown over his head just like now. And for only Merlin knew how long - or how often.

He opened his eyes after having them closed for a moment and seriously gazed at Harry who seemed to get more and more fearful with each second that passed and backed away from him, his right hand forming a fist and coming up for one single sign that meant "I'm sorry." And then stilled.

When Severus finally regained his composure and overcame his shock, he quickly grabbed the teenager's hands to still their trembling and to hinder Harry at moving away from him any further.

"First." He gently said. "There is no need to be sorry for anything, brat, as I already have informed you – it is not your fault. Second, yes, I am able to understand sign language. And third, I do not mind. That is the most important part here. I – do – not – mind! Is that clear, Mr. Potter?" He sternly asked, waiting for the boy's hesitant nod before he continued.

"I know that you have tried. I noticed that you tried to tell me something during the past few days now and I know that you tried to tell me something last night. But most importantly at the present time, Harry, what exactly is wrong with you? Why are you using sign language? And are you not able to form vocal words?"

Well, the only thing Harry momentarily could do as it seemed, was to shake his head while lowering his eyes.

"Alright, Harry." He said, knowing that he couldn't take his usual approach when dealing with an abused student. "Alright. We will deal with that. Right now, just tell me what do you fear more? Me reopening the cut over your shoulder blade? Or me cleaning out the injury? And you are allowed to use signs, as long as you communicate with me at all."

It took the teenager another few moments to get ready for another signed answer, but then he took a deep breath.

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"The first one." Harry answered, cursing himself to hell and back. Why was he always so stupid? And why was he always so weak? And why was he always such a coward? And now Snape knew what a weak and stupid and freakish idiot he was. And surely Snape …

But then Snape quietly spoke, got him out of his self blaming. "Thank you, Harry." He said. "First for communicating at all in such a situation and second for giving a true answer. But I honestly promise that it will not hurt as much as you might fear right now. You have had a pain easing potion and I will use a simple spell. It is the cleaning that might hurt a bit. Are you afraid of the cut itself or of the pain?" He then asked, already guessing the answer.

And as he had thought, the teenager again told him that it was the first one he feared more and he sighed. That was something that simply had to be done.

"Turn." He simply said. "I will do this one right now, then we are over with this. You do not have to fear me using a blade, I will use a simple spell only, I promise. Just try and relax as good as possible. It will be over in a second."

Using his wand he placed his right hand onto the teenager's shoulder in a firm grip to keep him in place and then he traced the scar with the tip of his wand. He noticed the boy stiffening the moment his wand touched the skin over Harry's shoulder blade, drawing a quick breathe and holding it, the entire small form trembling while a slight film of perspiration formed over the teen's back. And as it definitely could not have hurt he knew it was perspiration caused by plain fear only.

Quickly he murmured the spell, gritting his teeth at the small cry of fear Harry gave away the moment he felt his skin breaking and the next moment Harry had been moving away from him, bringing his upper body downwards, again folding in on himself like a jack-knife and the Potions Master was glad that he had used a spell. The spell reacted to the traced line of his wand and never mind a flinch or a violent movement the cut was drawn as it had been by the wand before. There was no danger of injuring the boy further and needlessly because of a sharp movement he made.

He didn't even bother with getting his brat upright again but simply made quick work of cleaning the infected cut and then closed it with a spell and covered it with the healing salve. Cleaning away the blood that had been running down from the cut he'd made Snape placed his hand onto the boy's still trembling shoulder and then pulled him back, not caring the teen's perspiration soaked back, until he had him leaning against his chest.

"Hush now." He softly said, running his other hand over Harry's forehead, noticing that it was just as soaked was the teen's back and he pulled his head towards his shoulder. "We are done here and you can release your breath now."

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It had taken him a few minutes until he had calmed down, until he had been able to breathe calmly again, until he even had noticed that it had been over, that he was leaning against Snape's chest and all he now felt was embarrassment. It really hadn't hurt, just like Snape had promised. And he truly had managed to make a fool out of himself today.

"I'm sorry." He said in his damn signs, hesitantly, not sure how Snape would react and what he would think. "You must think I'm the most stupid child. I'm sorry I wasted your time." He added with the intention of standing up, he didn't think the man would want to be with him now. The man wanted a junior partner in a relationship and not a child. Not a baby.

However Snape moved quicker than him and caught his arm and before he had the chance to stand, he pulled him back against his chest.

"You are not acting like a child Harry." He whispered. "What I have heard the past few days about your – family – and what you have told me right now, not to mention what I have seen with my own eyes, is enough for me to know that those monsters have done the most cruel things and no one, especially not a child should ever have to go through such. So of course you are reacting in a frightened way. On the contrary, Harry, I would think it strange if you would not do so. So stop worrying, we will deal with it. I now at least know the reason behind your strange behaviour you sometimes show and now we can work on that."

"But don't you see it? I haven't received anything that I didn't deserve because …"

"That is not true Harry, no one has the right to beat and starve a child like what I have seen right now, like your so called relatives did to you." The Potions Master growled darkly. He should have known that Harry still would see it that way.

"But they did because I always did strange things and because I didn't complete my chores and because I'm a freak and a burden. They didn't want me but they had to take me."

"Harry! I told you before – you are not a freak or a burden! The strange things you did simply had been accidental magic each and every wizarding child displays at a certain age and I rather guess that you were expected to do an unrealistic amount of work especially for a child, otherwise you would have managed, I am sure of that."

"But I …"

"But nothing Harry, you have been a child not a slave as the Dursley's made you believe. And never mind if they had to put up with you, they not only were expected to care for you as they did with their own son, but they even got a salary from the ministry for you too."

"But I cannot be cared for, I cannot be loved!" The damn, insufferable and insolent brat told him with his hands. "They always told me that I cannot be loved, that no one would …"

"You are loved, Potter!" Snape took the teen's shoulders and slightly shook him. "And the fact that you so blatantly do not see it actually worries me. Peoples do love you, Harry. A lot of people do. I do!"

"No!" Potter broke away from him. "Can't you see it? I am a weakling with stupid fears and …"

"Stop!" The Potions Master nearly screamed, breathing heavily, his dark eyes blazing dangerously and the boy immediately stopped the movements of his hands. He waited a moment until he had his temper back under control before he gripped the teen's shoulders again.

"First, you are not a weakling." He said, much calmer now. "No one, absolutely no one, who endured such an abuse as you have been through, and for years no less, and then has to go back to the same abusive household every summer, is a weakling. Remember that, Mr. Potter, and remember it well!" He waited for a nod from the teen in front of him, even if it only was a shocked one.

"Second, I do not think that your fears are stupid." He then continued. "Everyone has his or her own fears. Even I do have them, as have your friends. I only shall say – spiders or snakes. Your fears might keep you alive one day, Mr. Potter. We all have them and we all need them. We only should not allow them to take the upper hand of us. Is that too understood, Mr. Potter?" Again he waited for a nod before he continued.

"And third – and most importantly I dare say – someone who is willing and ready to get into a relationship with the … cold and dark bastard that is your potions professor out of the dungeons … and to accept said person as the dominant part in a BDSM relationship, never can be a weakling or a coward. Alone this acceptance needs some bravery and strength. And you have done so, Harry, what actually has made me proud of you, even if you cannot see it right now. Is that too understood, Harry?"

Well, he should have known that he would gain a quick shaking of the teen's head and he sighed. Of course the brat didn't see it this way. What bothered himself more however … well, he had known that handling Harry would not be easy. But this – he wasn't ready to drive the teenager into a full blowing panic attack during a session. Of course he wouldn't abandon the boy because of this. He just would have to try and have a 'normal' relationship with him. He just would have to leave the BDSM parts out of it.

"In light of resent events, I however am willing to keep every BDSM parts out of this relationship for the time being as I do not wish to drive you into a panic attack during each session that might remind you of …"

Harry just gaped at his professor, shaking his head. Of all the things he had expected Snape to say, of all the things he thought Snape would come up with, that wasn't even on the list. And he was not ready to do so, to change anything they had. And not only because he feared that Snape might be abandoning him then but because – he didn't know why exactly – but he knew that he himself had started to understand and he had started to actually enjoy the anticipation and the strain, and again he shock his head.

"I don't want this!" He interrupted the Potions Master.

Snape blinked at the teen in front of him. What did the boy mean, he didn't want this? He had not wanted this in the beginning if he remembered correctly and giving Harry a curious glance he lowered his head to one side slightly.

But the boy simply placed his arms on the coffee table and his head onto his arms, hiding his face and he knew that he right now should be waiting. Harry finally lifted his head and gazed at him, but still no answer came for a long time. Until finally the boy sighed. He watched him taking the parchment he had reached him earlier and turned it, taking a pencil he always had laying on the coffee table and began to write before he shoved the parchment on the table over to him.

"You have shown me something I don't want to miss anymore. You cared, and you

I didn't want this at first, but I trust you and I want this to continue. I want more of what you showed me. And I want it with you. I can't explain it, but it feels right.

I do not want to stop this."

Harry watched him anxiously but Snape was hardly aware of it, baffled as he was by the frail trust Potter placed in him. For one moment he sat frozen before his arm moved and he wrapped it around Potter, pulling the brat closer to him.

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It was nearly two hours later and they had talked more about the abuse Harry had been through, Snape asking a lot of questions, a lot of questions that had been important to him, but that the teen only reluctantly had answered as he had known from the beginning. Questions as to how far the abuse had gone, questions as to if Harry had been abused sexually as well and he'd had to grit his teeth at the boy's answers.

Flashback

"Harry, those scars around your wrists, they do tell me enough." He sternly answered the boy's headshake at his question about sexual abuse. "There are only few reasons as to why your uncle would have fixed you in the first place."

"They are not from that." The boy signed, looking desperate.

"Then do tell me, Harry, from what are they?" He had to fight hard to not seethe at the boy. "Why then had your uncle felt the need to fix you? And do me the pleasure to not tell me that those scars are not from being fixed. Do not insult my intelligence, nor yours."

"They are." The teenager slowly admitted, not looking at him. "But not because of that."

"What then had been the reason your uncle fixed you?" Snape growled darkly.

"The beatings." Harry admitted after a few moments with a sigh, still not looking at him but at the floor to his left.

"You mean your uncle has fixed you while he beat you?" He asked, glad for once that the boy didn't look at him and thus didn't see the anger on his face. "And to a point where he left scars?"

"It was my own fault." Potter had the nerve to answer. "I just was too weak to take them without struggling. I just … it just hurt too much … and …"

"Listen to me you idiot boy!" Snape snapped, not caring right now that he startled the teen. "Neither of what has happened at this blasted house of your uncle's is your fault and if I ever hear such nonsense from you again, then you will find yourself in much more trouble than you ever could get into with this blasted uncle of yours. I won't beat you, but I promise, you will find yourself at the receiving end of my anger. None – of this – is your fault! And surely you are not weak either just because you have not been able to take such beatings without trying to struggle away! This bastard drew blood to a point where he left layers of scars on you! No one would have been able to take those without trying to struggle away! Absolutely no one, not even the strongest adult I know! It is a normal human reaction to try and get away from what causes pain! Is that understood, Mr. Potter?"

End flashback

Well, the boy had looked at him startled and fearfully, but he had nodded.

And the boy had said he hadn't been abused sexually, but Snape soon had found out that this damn, blasted, unspeakable and horrible muggle might not have touch the boy, but had made the boy touching him, and since years so. A fact that had been sexual abuse and he had told Harry so. And honestly, he could understand that the boy had been unable to speak about it. Everyone would be unable to speak about such what that boy had been through.

And right now Harry was clinging to his robes as if to a lifeline and Snape who held him in his arms placed his chin atop the unruly black hair. "We will deal with this, Harry." He continued to whisper. "You will be quite alright. I promise. I shall not abandon you because of what this blasted uncle of yours has done to you as it is not your fault and we will deal with this."

He held Harry until the teenager had calmed enough so that he began to apologize again. For crying this time and Snape shook his head, holding the teenager at arms length so he could look at him.

"There is no need to apologize for crying either, Mr. Potter." He said, reaching forward to brush the tears off the young face. "I have one last question for now though, and I want a true answer." He said, gazing into two pleading eyes. "How long, Harry? How long has it gone like this?"

There was more than a minute until Harry finally gave his answer.

"Sometimes I think forever, but I can't remember. It always was like this." Harry's hands shook and Snape nodded before pulling the teenager back towards him until Harry's upper body lay in his lap.

"Thank you, Harry." He said, brushing some of the dark locks out of the pale face and with a new wave of frustration he noticed that his own fingers trembled. "You do not know how important you have become to me in such a short time, Harry." He whispered, worry edged in his voice and in his dark eyes.

He knew that Harry wouldn't be able to get anything down right now and so he allowed the boy to exhaustedly fall asleep in his lap while his fingers unconsciously brushed through the dark hair and over the pale forehead, thinking. This boy – this young man, was like a tangled rope. One could see the edges so perfectly, even the ends could be found but the large knot in the middle always concealed its true form.

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It was in the middle of the night right now and Harry hadn't been able to sleep when he had gone into his own bed after awaking in Snape's arms – yet again – sometime during the late evening on the sofa. And right now he was leaning with his forehead against the cold stone of one of the walls in the man's living area, his eyes closed and trying to shut out the onslaught of all those thoughts and emotions that were currently attacking his mind without giving him a rest.

Merlin's pants – would he ever be able to get all of those things out of his mind? Out of his head? He was so wound up, so upset and so damn scared by the whole incident with Snape today that he surely never would be able to ever sleeping again. He really had lost it today, damn, he even had fallen back into his stupid inability to speak! And that was just as worse as Snape's discovery and Snape's questions at all. It was just …

Everything was screwed up and he had fallen apart at the edges – in front of Snape!

Damn, he always had been so strong, taking all those beatings and taking the hunger and all those hours in his cupboard without complaining, knowing that complaining would get him nowhere, would only get him beatings. So – why was it so different now? Why wasn't he so strong anymore now? Was it because Snape was the stronger one here? Was it because Snape was his senior partner? His dominant counterpart? Was it because Snape had taken over not only control but responsibility as well? Was it maybe because the older wizard didn't accept anybody beating him up? Was protecting him? Or was it because somebody was starting to take care of him, picking up all the pieces that Harry couldn't even remember ever breaking off of him?

He continued to stare at the ragged stones his forehead was leaning against, at the lines that nearly wrote the stones' history while he was replaying the event over and over in his mind as he looked unblinkingly ahead at the stones in front of his eyes.

If he ever got out of this unscathed, then he never again would piss Snape of, he promised himself, if only the man forgot this particular stupid day and what had happened.

He stiffened when he felt a blanket settle around his shoulders and a voice close to his ear that spoke gently, nearly worriedly.

"Are you trying to catch your death deliberately, standing out here with only your pyjamas and not even socks on your feet?" The man asked in his typical Snape-manner that always had kept him so calm during the past two weeks. "Or do you simply have no common sense?"

Closing his eyes he leaned back against the man for a moment before he turned and looked up into those dark eyes that seemed to pierce him with their intensity, an intensity that nearly made him dizzy for another moment.

"Can't sleep." He finally answered, his voice soft, only a whisper, but with some satisfaction he noticed that he actually had used his voice. It wasn't as bad then as it had been sometimes in the past.

Snape, in his usual Snape-manner, simply gave him a curt nod, his indifferent mask not moving, showing no emotion, his dark eyes never changing.

"I will get you a dreamless sleep potion." The Potions Master simply said in his usual emotionless voice, but all of this nearly cold behaviour Snape always displayed, his indifference and his professionalism, made Harry feel less exposed he thought while he went into the bathroom to get a bit cold water on his still too hot face. He simply felt safe while being in this snarky man's presence. In his snarky man's presence.

When he came back he found Snape sitting on the sofa, staring strangely ahead of him. Not that he looked different than before, not that he looked different than always. His face a mask of indifference, his black robes old fashioned and aloof – damn, his entire appearance as unapproachable as always. And nevertheless – he was afraid of this far away and nearly troubled look in those otherwise emotionless dark eyes.

Slowly he approached the man, felt his own panic rise while he knelt onto the sofa beside the older wizard, not sure if he could dare touching him, but then finally deciding to do it, even if Snape might bite his head off at the contact. So he reached out and placed his hand over the Potions Master's forearm, softly, slowly and unsurely.

He just needed the man calm, he needed him, but he needed him calm, he didn't know what to do without the calmness the man always radiated.

"Please." He whispered, softly shaking the Potions Master's arm, as if trying to get him awake and out of his troubles, or his anger, or his … his … whatever it was the Potions Master was in. "Please, don't. I promise, it will go away, it always does. It isn't that bad, really. And I'm fine now. And everything else will just go away, as always."

He knew that his words didn't work with the older wizard the moment Snape turned his head and looked at him, his anger really dissipating for a moment and his eyes going soft, just to come back with full force and more passionately than ever before.

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"Don't you dare, Potter!" He roared furiously, not caring that he startled the boy that was kneeling beside him on the sofa. "Don't you dare playing this down, Potter!"

Snape then stood up, still growling angrily, and marched away across the room, halting when he reached the fireplace to lay one hand, clenched like a fist, on the mantle, the fingers of his other hand reaching up to run their way through his hair as he fought to control his temper.

How could this boy play this down so easily? He had seen all the scars that covered the boy's body. He had seen the bruises that still lingered there. He had seen how thin this boy was. And he still could see how tired and exhausted he was. Still not able to eat properly, still not able to stay awake the entire day without taking a nap.

The boy's body looked worse than what he had seen throughout the years from victims of the Dark Lord or the Death Eaters. And he played it down as if it were nothing? Did his own safety really mean so little to the brat that he did not think anyone would be concerned for him?

With a heavy sigh his temper slowly cooled and Snape realised that he was probably closer to the truth as he dared to admit. His own safety in fact did mean so little to himself. But it was hardly surprising as the boy did not think anyone would be concerned for him. For the past fourteen years this child had been at best ignored and locked away, and at worst beaten and starved by those in whose 'care' he had been placed. No one had ever seemed to care about what had happened to Harry and so of course Harry did not care either.

Well, it was high time he was made to realise that, not only were there people who cared about him, but that there were even people who actually loved him.

Turning back towards the boy he was startled to see said boy standing beside him. Ready to retreat, ready to flinch away, ready to bolt from the room, his muscles tense and his face a mask of concentration, but he stood there.

"Please." The boy whispered, not only his tense face holding desperation and fear, but his voice too, not only his small and skinny frame and the hand that hesitantly touched his arm trembling, but his voice too, and he couldn't help swallowing at the brat's – at his brat's – display.

"Please." The teen repeated. "Please. I don't play this down, but I also know that it can't be helped, that it can't be changed. And I also know that it will go away, just like it always does. It isn't the first time after all. And I need you, I want you. I want someone who sees me, Harry, and not the Boy Who Lived. I know that you won't be gentle, but I know that you will be careful. I don't want someone to have … uhm … well … sex …" The brat nearly choked over the word and the blush that covered his face was more than just adorable. "… with me only because I'm the Boy Who Lived. I want to explore everything with someone that is … well … uhm … dominant … but … but who cares about me at the same time. And someone who takes my feelings and what I want into consideration too. And you … you said … I mean … I just want you. I trust you. And you never pitied me. I know you will be harsh, I know you won't be gentle. But I know that you care. And I trust you. I want you. I can live with the fact that you never will love me, as long as you care."

Something twisted in Snape's chest as he heard those words. This not so simple but well thought through statement was one of the nicest ones he had ever heard – he had not had many nice moments in his life and it somehow undid the pain of yearlong bitterness and animosity and a calmness suddenly settled into his chest and stomach he hadn't felt for a long time, painfully and good feeling at the same time.

"I don't know how you could." He replied quietly, placing one hand onto the teen's shoulder and his other hand underneath his brat's chin to lift his face up, to look into those frightened green eyes. "I don't know how you could, after all those years I have put you through verbal abuse, and I am very sorry about it. I even know that simply apologizing will not be enough, but there is nothing else to do than to promise you that I will never hurt you or mistreat you again in any way. I wish there were a way that I could erase it all and start over, but I also know that it cannot be made undone."

He sighed and gritted his teeth for a moment, before continuing. "I don't know if you can believe me, but I do want you to know that all I said during the past years had been idle threats. Even back then, when I found you in my pensive and as angry as I was, I would not have struck you, denied you food or locked you away. It makes me angry at myself that I threatened you with the same abuse that you had suffered from those horrid muggles for so long."

"Please, don't." Harry said, taking a step forwards and slipping his arms around Snape's waist, pressing his cheek against the soft cloth of Snape's shirt, inhaling the scent that stubbornly clung to the Potions Master even when he was away from his beloved potions. "Please, don't do that. Don't feel angry at yourself. It won't change the past. I don't want you being angry. We already did start all over and nothing else is important. Not to me. I … just please … don't do that …"

Slowly and hesitantly lifting his arms and folding them over the teen's shoulders Snape swallowed a second time this night. How did this brat do this? With all his frightened movements and gazes and with all his insecurities, he nevertheless managed it to get under his skin, to throw his world upside down, to make him feel a painful twinge in his chest every now and then.

Harry gasped when he felt strong arms returning his embrace and holding him tightly against a firm chest. He hadn't thought Snape would return his embrace, but the man did and he couldn't help starting to cry, feeling the steady heartbeat of Snape's heart against his ear and he knew he had fallen into a deep abyss, however this had happened. Never before in his entire life had he cried so much than he had today.

"Hush, brat." Snape whispered, tightening the grip he had at his brat even more. "I don't know how you so easily could forget how I used to handle you, but I will do as you wish, for once at least. Just calm down."

But the sobs didn't stop and he simply lifted his brat into his arms, not releasing the death grip he had on him, and went over to the sofa, sat down with the teen's upper body pressed against his chest.

"You are right, Harry." He said. "I do care. And you are right, I won't be gentle, as I already told you. But I do care, and I will be careful with you. I won't hurt you and I won't harm you. I will keep you safe and I will stand beside you, always. You however are wrong in one thing, Harry. I do love you."

For a moment he actually was startled at his own words, but then, slowly but surely the hysterical sobs from the teen he held in his arms turned into stuttering breaths and the boy had calmed down almost completely. He paused to take a sip of his tea to calm his own nerves and then gazed down into the green eyes of the brat, of his brat.

"You do?" Harry asked startled, gazing back at those black eyes that bore into his own with a nearly frightening intensity, but Harry was no longer afraid that Snape would read his mind. Because he had been telling the truth. He did want Snape, and he would have wanted him even if the man wouldn't love him. It would have been enough to him if the man simply had cared for him. He never had thought that the man would love him anyway and he rather was startled at the fact that Snape actually had said that he did. He simply couldn't understand how Snape could when his relatives always had made it clear to him what an unlovable freak he was.

And yet he felt the man's arms still holding him tightly, as if to keep him safe, as if to keep him from falling deeper into this abyss, as if he wouldn't want to release him ever again. And then Harry felt a hand covering his own, loosening his fingers of the tight hold he'd had on the fabric of the Potions Master's robes which he hadn't even known he had twisted, trying to still its trembling, and he gave in to this hand that was hiding his smaller one underneath the slender and larger fingers.

"Of course I do, brat!" Came the man's softly whispered reply – and a moment later Harry slowly drifted off to sleep with the sound of Snape's strong and steady heartbeat thumping against his ear.

break … ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ … line

He was tired beyond what he had felt in months, even with the Dark Lord back and Albus alert and him back to his spying – he barely had felt as tired as he was right now since a long time. But on the other hand, Snape also knew that it was pointless for himself to even attempt sleeping before he had a chance to think through the many things the teen had admitted towards him this evening – intentionally or not.

So softly he crept back into the teen's room and sank down into the chair next to the bed, watching his brat with completely new eyes.

Even asleep and with a dreamless sleep potion in his system the boy still looked troubled and Snape noted with some displeasure that his brat was sleeping with his back against the wall, his body curled into a tiny hiding and defensive ball as if even down here in the dungeons of the man he had a relationship with, that was supposed to care for him and to keep him safe, he would have to be wary of danger.

'Yes, of danger of you raising your hand at him, beating him, even if the boy does not fear this consciously.' The ever annoying small voice in his mind whispered, and he knew that this voice was right. As it always was.

It hadn't been much of a chore to lift the underweight boy and put him to bed in his room. The brat was exhausted, emotionally and bodily as well, and he barely had made a face when he had made him drinking a vial of dreamless sleep potion. Merlin only knew what sorts of horrible things would be floating around the teen's dreams that night after the kind of evening that had just occurred.

Again he remembered the fear, the bruises, all those scars, how dangerously thin his brat was, what the boy had revealed to him today – and again he seethed in fury at those blasted muggles that were the boy's relatives he had grown up with, that should have cared for the child but had beaten him, starved him and locked him away in a cupboard and he would have liked to immediately apparate to Private Drive and to kill those monsters. To kill them as slowly as possible, to let them suffer a slow and painful death, to …

Well, he couldn't do that, now could he?

It was quite evident that he was the only adult left in Harry's life who could be trusted to do right by the boy and so it was necessary that he kept himself out of trouble, out of prison, and if only for the sake of his brat that needed him, that wanted him, however that had happened. But the temptation was present – and quite strong.

break … ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ … line

To be continued

Next time in I just wanted to ask

A mirror, a massage and undressing

Added author's note

thank you for reading - and yes, I would appreciate it if you took the time to review this chapter, thank you …

Reviews:

to Markhal: Harry and Severus might be forced to take three steps backwards for each step forwards they take, but in the end it will be alright, and in the end all these steps back and forth will help them, both of them, to heal once and forever - they will just need patience ... I do thank you for another review of you on this story ...

to delia cerrano: I'm glad that they share such a complicated relationship, because if it were an easy one, then surely it would be boring and if it were boring, then there wouldn't be anything to write about ... I'm also glad that you seem to like the story and I do thank you for giving a review here ...
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I just wanted to ask