Adult-FanFiction.org : Harry Potter

I Understand	By : LMG67 Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 9627 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Author Notes
- 2-Revelation
- 3-Grief
- 4-Horror
- 5-Thoughts
- 6-Anger
- 7-Training
- 8-Explanation
- 9-Expressions
- 10-Thinking
- 11-Tower
- 12-Pain
- 13-Seperate
- 14-Questions
- 15-Tears
- 16-In their own words
- 17-Tantrum
- 18-Sorrow
- 19-Darkness
- 20-Light
- 21-Passion
- 22-Breath
- 23-Suspicions
- 24-Iggy
- 25-Fear
- 26-Decisions
- 27-Understanding
- 28-Draco
- 29-Harry
- 30-Fallout
- 31-Accidents...
- 14
- 15
- 16
No, Harry and Draco are not reading each other’s minds. The bold face type is the subconscious
speaking (we all have it so don’t fret) and the italics type is the person responding to the
subconscious voice (we all do it so give it up).

Draco wants to know what makes Harry do what Harry does because I said so (LOL I really hate
the “know your enemy” spiel, though it does work. hhuummm might work here too. have to think
on that).

No, Pansy and Ron have not been passing notes. In the course of the “work” that they do (although
from different sides, the work is still the same) each has left notes for another, though they didn’t
know who that other was (they thought maybe Snape or another Order Member, funny how that
worked out huh? *smile*).

Dumbledore didn’t tell them everything (obviously) because some things you just have to learn for
yourself (damn moral lessons).

And I don’t like cheese! LOL

And now ENJOY!

TEARS

He had not slept in two days. He had seen no one in two days. He had not eaten in two days.

All he had done was fly and stare out of the window in the deserted classroom that he was hiding in.
Here he was fighting with himself, the one person who he didn’t want to be around, but just couldn’t
get away from. His inner voice was the only thing keeping him sane. Damn it! Why couldn’t it just
shut up like he told it too? Why couldn’t he leave himself alone? He sighed, fighting with himself
was more tiring than fighting Voldemort.

He knew everyone was frantic. He did not care. He wanted to be alone and right now God help
anyone who came near him.

He was out on the Quidditch pitch right now at 3:00 in the morning flying. He was thinking about
the training that was to happen today and wondering if he should even show up. Draco was right,
they would be better off without him.

He knew that Dumbledore knew where he was because food would show up at the times he assumed
were regular eating times. He never ate the food though and it would disappear later only to be
replaced with the next meal.

He was losing it and he knew it.

What difference did it make when everything was gone? Everything and everyone who had been a
stable part of his life for the last 16 years was gone.

And he didn’t know if he was feeling sorrow or joy or anything at all.

The Dursley’s hadn’t made it. By the time Snape had gotten there it had been too late.

They were dead.

And Harry wished he were too.

Why, he wasn’t sure. It’s not like they had ever showed the first hint that they had given a flying fig
about him until that night. But just because they hadn’t, didn’t mean he had wanted them dead.
They were his family after all. Or, they had been.

Damn Voldemort and his silly obsession with killing him. Why couldn’t the slimy snake just leave
him the hell alone? I mean, why would a wizard of his power even be afraid of a scrawny little 17
year old boy?

And if we had an answer to that question we could have figured out why he was afraid of an
infant. Since we know neither, let’s just drop it eh?

Why are you back? Please, I know I am going crazy but could you leave me alone for even one
second?

No.

Why?

Cause I like you.

Oh God.

Yes.

No. no. just stop

I’ll make you a promise.

Anything.

Really! humm maybe I need to rethink this.

No No Just tell me, anything to get you to leave me alone

You know, Harry, I can’t really do that. After all I am you. I am the reason that you don’t
want to listen too.

What do you want!

I want you to get off your arse and stop being stupid. I want you to grow up. I want to eat
something. I want some sleep. I want to have a bath cause damn it man, we stink. I want you
to quit flying this damn broom because my ass is numb!

Well it’s my ass too!

You, Harry Potter, are a wimp.

What! I am not a wimp.

Oh? Well you sure are acting like one. Hiding in a classroom. Please are we 17 or are we two.
Can we say temper tantrum?

I am not.

Are too!

Am not!

Are too!

O shit! Someone send me to St. Mungo’s right now because I have lost it!

No, Harry you have not.

Harry screamed out loud. He was so tired, mentally and physically. He felt torn in two.

“Harry,” came the tentative call of the one other person, besides Malfoy, that he did not want to see.
Ron Weasley, Harry’s best friend.

“Ron,” Harry whispered hoarsely, “go away.”

“No Harry,” Ron said determingly, flying up to reach Harry’s height, “I won’t.”

“WHY!” Harry screamed. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

Ron snorted. “Full of yourself much Harry?”

Nothing else he could have said would have had the effect of shocking Harry more. He felt his
mouth drop open and he stared at Ron in astonishment. And that statement above all did what
nothing else could have. It shocked Harry out of his funk.

He shook his head to clear it and the next thing he knew he was chuckling and slowly he floated
down to the ground. When his feet reached the ground he kept right on going until he was lying on
the ground.

Laughing. Loudly. Uncontrollably. Hysterically.

And it felt good.

He felt alive for the first time in days.

When his laughter finally faded he looked around and saw Ron sitting cross-legged near him
watching him with a concerned expression on his face. His wand glowing and sending a circle of
light around them.

“I’m sorry,” Harry whispered.

Ron shook his head and whispered back, “It’s okay mate.”

Harry sighed. “No it’s not. I just couldn’t...face...anything.”

Ron nodded but said nothing. He just waited to see what Harry was going to say, if anything. He had
to strain to hear him when he did start to talk.

“I feel so numb..... I don’t miss them. And that makes me feel.....wrong.” Harry whispered. “I never
wanted them to be hurt.”

Harry paused as he tried to hold in his emotions. He wasn’t doing a very good job. It felt like he had
been hit with a bludger in the stomach. He couldn’t breathe. He hurt so bad.

“It hurts, Ron. There is nothing there. Nothing. I‘m afraid. Of myself mostly”

“Harry,” Ron finally said after Harry had been silent for a few minutes, “are you afraid because you
don’t feel anything or you don’t feel anything because you are afraid?”

“Is there a difference?” Harry asked sharply.

“Of course there is Harry.” Ron moved closer to him and put his arm around his shoulder drawing
him in to hug him.

“But, unfortunately, I can’t answer that question for you. You have to figure it out for yourself. It is
okay to be afraid. And it is even okay not to feel. We all deal with things differently. You just
haven’t found your way to deal with it yet. When you do Harry, that’s when you will know.”

“And if it turns out that I don’t care. That is wrong Ron.”

“Harry you are the only one that can say whether it is wrong or not. Not me, not Hermione, not
anyone. You, Harry, and you alone can choose to grieve or not to grieve. Don’t beat yourself up for
something that you couldn’t change even if you had been there.”

Harry shuddered and the pain came back. He couldn’t hold it back at Ron’s words.

“But I was there Ron. I saw it.” Harry whispered. He heard Ron gasp but he didn’t stop speaking.
Now that he had started he had no control over it. The words flowed out.

“Even for every foul and nasty thing that they did to me, for every hit and curse and broken bone I
got, they knew, they understood, what was happening and they were not afraid. They knew they
were going to die. And for the first time in his life Uncle Vernon stood up for me. He said he was
proud to have known me. And that he was sorry that things were the way that they were. He assured
them that they would all die at my hands and he would be waiting for them to mock them for the rest
of their days. He stood in that living room and tried to protect his family in the only way that he
could, with his words and his fists. And it wasn’t enough.” Harry had stopped shuddering. He lay
there on the cold wet ground, lost in his memories.

“They got Aunt Petunia first. She had tried to get away and they caught her. Thank God they did
nothing to her but kill her. Uncle Vernon lost it when she died. He killed two of them before they got
him. He killed them with his hands Ron, his bare hands. And all the time he was cursing Voldemort
and yelling my name. But he wasn‘t yelling at me. It was like my name had become his battle cry.
For every hit it was my name that he cried out.” His voice slowed and was filled with pain. He sat
up hugging his bent knees with arms that were shaking.

“Dudley was the one that they took their time with. They tortured him. They hexed him until he was
screaming constantly. And then they asked him to join them. He wanted to know why they wanted
him, a muggle. I didn’t even know he knew what a muggle was. Dudley told them...he told them
that if I fought them then he would fight them. He somehow struggled to stand and stood there with
this look on his face, this proud look. He told them that I was the greatest wizard ever and that
Voldemort would die at my hands and he laughed. He laughed at them and then they killed him.
They are dead because of me. Because I ...”

“For the first time that I can remember I am proud to have them as my family. And I feel nothing.
They died and I feel nothing.”

~`*`~

Hermione stood just out of sight of Harry and Ron. She had had to cast a listening charm so that she
could hear everything and what she heard tore her heart apart. She remembered that night on the
Astronomy Tower and even then she had never seen Harry this hurt. He looked awful. He had lost
weight in the two days he had been hiding. And the lack of food and sleep was evident in his
coloring and his voice. He was weary.

Harry was the strongest person that she knew and to see him like this made her wonder if all of it
was worth it. Everything that Harry went through, he went through for someone else. It was always
someone else losing a loved one and Harry would be the one to comfort him or her. Now that Harry
had been the one to lose someone he didn’t know how to cope. He had locked himself away. And
that is why every night she and Ron had come out here to watch Harry to make sure that he
wouldn’t do something stupid.

She was glad that they had been here when Harry had needed them.

Stepping forward Hermione entered the circle of light from Ron’s wand and sat next to Harry. None
of them said anything. She just laid her hand on Harry’s shoulder and silently lent him her strength.

None of them wiped their tears from their cheeks and none of them said anything.

Harry drew strength from his friends and he felt the anger and the hate he had for himself fall away.

~`*`~

No one said anything when Neville appeared out of the shadows and sat next to Hermione.

None of them wiped their tears from their cheeks and none of them said anything.

Harry drew strength from his friends and he felt the anger and the hate he had for himself fall away.

~`*`~

Pansy stood at the edge of the clearing. She too had cast a listening charm and had heard everything.
My God, the things this boy had been through. Instead of destroying her belief in him, hearing that
The Boy Who Lived wasn’t perfect only increased her belief in him. Draco had been after her
wanting to know what was going on and why she felt the way she did about Harry but she couldn’t
answer him. She had told him that there was no answer. She believed because she did, and that was
the only thing that she could say.

Taking a deep breath Pansy stepped forward only to be stopped by a hand from the shadows. She
turned to stare at Draco. Saying nothing she gently took his hand from her arm and turned to walk to
the group sitting on the ground. They glanced up at her as she approached but said nothing. One
glance at her tear stained face told them all that they needed to know at this point.

Pansy went and sat down on the ground next to Ron.

None of them wiped their tears from their cheeks and none of them said anything.

Harry drew strength from his friends and he felt the anger and the hate he had for himself fall away.

~`*`~

Draco watched as Pansy walked to the group on the ground after removing his hand from her arm.
He had seen the look in her eyes and for the first time he understood why she believed in Harry
Potter.

Draco turned to Crabbe and Goyle who were standing behind him and could see by the look on their
faces that they too wanted to go over there. Their belief in Harry was something they had gotten
from Pansy’s steadfast refusal to explain how or why. Just that it was, was enough for them. They
knew Pansy did not trust easily, and she trusted Harry. They couldn’t understand why Draco kept
asking, he knew how she was. He nodded once to them and then they too walked to the group sitting
on the ground.

None of them looked surprise when the two hulking Slytherins also sat down next to the group on
the ground.

None of them wiped their tears from their cheeks and none of them said anything.

Harry drew strength from his friends and he felt the anger and the hate he had for himself fall away.

~`*`~

Draco felt like he was drowning. He couldn’t breathe. He felt Harry’s pain. He knew what it was
like. Draco did not know what to do. He looked at the group in the middle of the Quidditch pitch
and he wanted to join them. But he didn’t know how.

He knew that that wouldn’t make sense to anyone but him. If he went out there and sat with them
then he too would admit in his belief in Harry Potter. And he didn’t know if he could admit that to
anyone yet. He couldn’t even admit it to himself.

He sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

Damn it!

He didn’t want to believe in Potter.

But you do.

So.

So? So, is your witty comeback? That is your defense? Come on, admit it. You believe that
Harry Potter just could be the greatest thing since well, food, and you want to believe in him.
You, Draco Malfoy need to believe in Harry Potter just as much as the next guy.

Draco sighed and once again ran his hand through his hair. If he were thinking clearly he would
realize that he was copying Harry, because Malfoy’s don’t run their hands through their hair.

Bloody fucking hell

That’s my boy!

Draco sighed again and took that first tentative step towards the group. He looked at Pansy and saw
her arch her eyebrow in his direction. Growling, Draco straightened his shoulders and walked
towards the group.

He saw Harry’s head jerk up when he walked into the circle of light. He said nothing but stood and
stared at the dark haired boy. Sighing again he ran his hand through his already messed up hair and
moving closer he sank gracefully to the ground in front of Harry.

None of them wiped their tears from their cheeks and none of them said anything.

Harry drew strength from his friends and he felt the anger and the hate he had for himself fall away.

~`*`~

Professor Dumbledore and Severus Snape watched as the group slowly came together.

Dumbledore let out the breath he hadn’t known he was holding when Draco Malfoy finally walked
to sit with the group.

“I think they will be just fine Severus,” he said softly.

The black haired man standing next to the Headmaster just snorted.

“All part of the plan eh?”

Dumbledore laughed softly, “No, Severus this wasn’t part of the plan. But it will do. Oh yes it will
do.”

He turned to the Potions Master and with a twinkle back in his eye that had been missing for two
days asked, “Tea?”

~`*`~

Down on the pitch it was quiet. The sound of the groups breathing the only thing breaking the
stillness.

None of them wiped their tears from their cheeks and none of them said anything.

They each drew strength from friends and felt old anger and hatred fall away.

*******************************************************************

I hope that this wasn’t too much.

It came out of nowhere. I was messing around with ideas and just started typing. It flowed right out,
no problems. Kinda scary.

Please Enjoy.

LMG
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I Understand