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Learning Life Over	By : Meander Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 69712 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 14
- 15
- 16
I had fun with this chapter. I am not entirely sure that
Harry has fun, though.

Chapter 15- Five More Reasons Harry Is Not Gay

�� Harry knew
he was hurrying away from Draco with undignified speed. He did not particularly
care. He was desperate to keep him from realizing what had become apparent to
Harry after a moment of feeling Draco�s tongue against his.

�� He had a
hard-on.

�� This was
more humiliating than any of the others he�d suffered so far. He could blame
those on Draco acting like a complete idiot. But this one- all it had taken was
a kiss, a kiss he initiated, and he was acting as though Draco was right and he
really did favor men.

�� He�d meant
the kiss as the answer to a question. He was curious about how Draco would make
him respond when he was the one controlling the kiss. He had been absolutely
sure that it would tell him something.

�� And now he
had his answer, but he didn�t like it, and wished for something else to be
true.

�� I�m not
gay. I can�t. This is- this isn�t true. I wanted to know something more about
myself, but this isn�t it. Because.

�� He put the
Quidditch equipment away, and kept his back turned as Draco came up behind him.
Draco asked some question that Harry didn�t hear fully over the blood pounding
in his ears, but he could make out the �- do now?� part.

�� Harry
sighed out, and then feigned a yawn. �I�m having an adrenaline crash,� he
murmured. �I�d like to go back to my room and sleep for a while, actually.� A
few hours should be enough to will the hard-on away.

�� Draco
sounded disappointed. �Oh. Well. All right. Send Trippy to me when you�re
awake.�

�� Harry
chanced a quick look at him. Draco�s eyes were bright, his face flushed, and he
seemed utterly unconscious of how aroused he looked. Harry, by main force of
will, kept himself from glancing down to see if Draco had an erection. He
nodded, shrugged off the heavier Quidditch robes, and then walked briskly back
to the house, trying to make it seem as if all the red in his cheeks came from
the constant wind. Hotter than even the blush was the sensation of Draco�s eyes
on his back.

�� Walking was
difficult. Harry made up for it by rubbing his right arm now and then as though
he favored it, but refused all Draco�s solicitous offers of a massage.

�� I�m not
gay. I�m not. Even this- there has to be some other reason for this, some
reason I reacted this way.

�� Because
there is no way that I could possibly fancy, or have sex with, Draco sodding
Malfoy.

*

�� Harry shut
the door behind him with a harsh gasp of relief and sat down on his bed. Then
he covered his face with his hands, and did what he could to slow his
breathing. Perhaps if he could talk his body into thinking he was getting ready
to fall asleep, it would be fooled and relax.

�� But some
minutes passed, and his hard-on still throbbed relentlessly beneath his
trousers. The temptation to reach down and touch it was growing worse. But
Harry knew that if he wanked, Malfoy would have won, and even if this
loss, like eating the strawberries, was private, it was more profound than the
other.

�� He
stretched his arms over his head and lay back on the pillow, so that he could
appear relaxed if Draco or one of the house-elves looked in on him. He casually
slung his right leg up so that his erection wasn�t visible from the door.

�� The
shifting put more pressure on it, though, and Harry gasped and arched his back.
For a moment, the idea of what relief he could bring himself was stronger than
the humiliation that would set in after the orgasm.

�� Then he
clenched a hand, and shook his head. No. I�m not gay because I can resist
this. That must mean that if there was a woman here for me to get aroused over,
I wouldn�t be able to resist it.

�� He closed
his eyes. Sleep. Sleep, that was the key to overcoming this. He imagined a calm
gray pool, his desk in the Auror office free of paperwork, his own bed in his
own flat. He imagined motionless sheets and long mornings of sleeping in,
though he hadn�t actually done that in the past eleven years except when he was
at Malfoy Manor. Peace, calm, relaxation. He would absorb it from the air by
osmosis.

�� His arousal
was becoming painful.

�� Harry
shuddered. He- he didn�t want to. It would mean he lost, and it would mean he
was gay, and both things-

�� No,
wait. It could mean that I�m just aroused by men.

�� But I
don�t want to be that, either. I know who I am. Malfoy and his prissy little
Manor are not going to change that. Nor his pet Healer, either.

�� He had to
concede that Draco was right about some things. That it would do him good to
talk about his grief, for example. But this was something more personal,
something Draco had no right to be right about. Harry was not going to
admit that he was attracted to men just because Malfoy wanted it that way.

�� He lay
there, and lay there, and the erection remained. Harry could feel the flush of
humiliation joining the embarrassment on his cheeks now.

�� This is
ridiculous. I�m not a teenage boy anymore. I�m a trained Auror. I should be
able to control my body better than this.

�� He tried to
remain as still as he had been taught to do during an ambush, when he and his
partner might have to wait hours before the Death Eater or Dark wizard they
were tracking appeared. He could relax his muscles one by one. He could derive
entertainment from counting his breaths or his heartbeats, while all the time
his alertness coiled beneath the surface like a snake in its burrow, ready to
strike when their target Apparated in.

�� But he�d
never attempted to hold an ambush with an erection, either.

�� He flicked
an eye open and cast a Tempus charm after what seemed like an
intolerable amount of time. It actually had been an intolerable amount of time-
nearly an hour. Draco would expect him to wake in a little while, or perhaps
send Trippy to check up on him.

�� And damn
it, he was only harder. If that was possible.

�� Harry had
heard that there were spells men used to get rid of inconvenient erections, but
he didn�t know any. He�d hardly had any erections in the last few years, never
mind inconvenient ones. Besides, sending Trippy to the library to fetch the necessary
books for him made his face burn all the hotter.

�� Would it
be so bad? said the voice of horrible temptation. Wanking seems to be
the only way to get rid of it. And what if you could fantasize about women?
That would prove once and for all that you aren�t gay, wouldn�t it?

�� Harry ran a
hand through his hair. The hand was shaking, and he scowled at this evidence of
his weakness. Perhaps the voice was right, though, and the only way to prove
himself was with another action, the way the kiss had been an action.

�� Besides, he
honestly had no other idea on how to get rid of it before he had to see Draco
again.

�� Hesitantly,
he pushed his robes back, and then his trousers down. Each change in position
made his cock brush against cloth and struck him like the touch of fingers.
Harry shut his eyes tightly and hoped he wouldn�t come before he removed his
clothes. That would be something a child would do, and he was no child.

�� Luckily, he
didn�t. Pants followed trousers, and then he took his cock in hand and began to
stroke. The relief was so great that he let a shaky groan escape his throat
before he settled down to business, trying as hard as he could to just make an
orgasm happen so that it would be done.

�� Of course,
he just had to remember what he liked, and his hand slowed down, his
fingers slipping and lingering around the head. He had always preferred wanking
slowly, teasing himself with various images of what could happen before
settling on the one that would make him come. And the things he�d learned
through his muscles, he really didn�t ever forget. Harry had known how
to wank, and he wanked that way now, forgetting the urgency of it for a few
minutes, head bowed as his body twitched from pleasure and his cock grew wetter
and wetter with the clear liquid spread up and down it.

�� Then he
told himself that he was doing this to prove he wasn�t gay, and so he should
imagine a woman.

�� And there
his mind came up blank, because, other than Narcissa Malfoy and a few of his
partners, who were usually slightly older than he was and already married, and
some Dark witches, he couldn�t picture a woman.

�� The thought
of Ginny occurred to him, and he shoved it violently away. Wanking to the image
of a dead woman was not- not clean.

�� Harry
shrugged impatiently and sped the pace of his hand. Did it really matter what
he thought about? He could just get off, then. That should prove he was gay as
well as thinking about women would. After all, if he thought about how good it
felt, then he wasn�t thinking about whether a man had managed to arouse him
like this, was he?

�� His mind
turned to Draco then.

�� And it had
been going so well, too.

�� Most
unhelpfully, his mind provided him with images of Draco�s mouth, from the way
he�d kissed Harry after the dinner with Narcissa to the moment in the pool when
his soft talking, his lingering over certain sounds in the words, had made
Harry come. Harry gasped, and the phantom sensations seemed to enter his mouth
and ears to join with the images, and God, he was jerking himself now,
and this felt so good, and he wasn�t going to last much longer.

�� But I�m
not gay, because I don�t want to think about this. I just can�t avoid it, since
I�m in the same house with him.

�� The image
that loomed before his eyes after a few moments was one that he hadn�t ever
seen, only created. Draco, his face flushed and his naked body- that, Harry
knew from the pool- mottled up and down with red flushes and bites, one arm
sprawled over his head, the other hand between his legs and toying with his
cock. His eyes were lidded, and he was looking directly at Harry, as much to
say that his arousal had happened because of him.

�� Harry
sagged forward and came with a groan that was half release and half denial.
Luckily, his orgasm only seemed to last a few moments this time, and didn�t
exhaust him like the one in the pool had. And then he was left with a puddle of
cooling come, and a mind scrambling to come up with one more excuse so he
wouldn�t have to call himself gay.

�� Well,
even if I do wank to images of Draco, it�s not like I ever have to act on it.
How hard would it be to not have sex with someone? Thousands of people
do it every day. I did it for eleven years. I can do this, I really can.

�� Harry shook
his head and cast a swift cleaning spell on himself, removing the evidence of
his orgasm. He tugged his clothes back on, and then nearly split his jaw with a
yawn. Maybe it had exhausted him, after all.

�� He barely
managed to curl up before his muscles all relaxed at once, and he settled into
the depths of contented sleep. His last, drowsy thought was that it didn�t have
to feel this good, damn it.

*

�� Draco
tilted his head curiously when Harry followed Trippy into the library a few
hours later. He knew Harry really had rested; that much was obvious from the
sleep-heavy softness of his eyes and the ragged tangle of his hair. And he
seemed more relaxed than he had when he�d practically run off the Quidditch
Pitch.

�� But
something had changed in the intervening time, anyway. Harry gave him a
friendly but distant nod and sat down in the chair on the other side of the
open reading area, instead of the chair across from Draco or the couch beside
him, which Draco had pointedly left open. Trippy fetched him a book on
wizarding history, and Harry opened it, studied the table of contents, and then
flipped to a chapter as if he�d always wanted to read this exact information.

�� No
flirting. No edged questions. No acknowledgment of Draco�s presence, in fact,
even as a friend.

�� It angered
Draco. It was fine for Harry not to know what he wanted, but to blow hot and
cold like this was irritating. Draco almost set his own book aside and engaged
Harry in direct conversation, but then decided that that would mean he
was losing. Harry would have succeeded in bothering him.

�� Instead,
Draco cleared his throat and said, in the bored drawl that his mother had
insisted he perfect even before he went to Hogwarts, �I suppose you should know
that Theresa wants to speak with you again tomorrow.�

�� Harry
didn�t bother looking up from his book. �I didn�t think I�d escape her
forever.� His voice held amused resignation. �Yes. Very well. I�ll speak with
her again, and see what she can tell me about my weaknesses.�

��

Draco raised his eyebrows. �Therapy
is supposed to be about healing you, Harry. Theresa isn�t an enemy who�s going
to figure out your weaknesses and taunt you with them, you know.�

�� I meant
that I could know my weaknesses and correct them.� Harry�s eyes blinked
innocently at him, brilliant green. �That was all.� And then he went back to the
book. It must be fascinating.

�� Draco shut
his book carefully and set it aside. Well, perhaps he could be direct, as long
as he didn�t show a sign of irritation while he did it. �Did I do something to
anger you, Harry?�

�� Of course
not.� Harry looked up again. �How would that have happened?�

�� You did
hurry away from the Quidditch Pitch rather suddenly,� Draco pointed out.

�� Harry
laughed a bit. �I was forced to come to a mortifying realization,� he said. �I said
that I wanted to speak to you like a friend, and then I flirted with you and
treated you like a potential lover. That�s a silly thing to do when one doesn�t
want to complicate a relationship. I had to take a few hours to compose myself.
I hope that you�ll forgive me. I shouldn�t have done that.� He leaned around
his book and held out his hand to Draco. �Friends?�

�� And not
lovers. Draco heard the declaration as easily as if Harry had shouted it
into his mind. Something had happened, something that made Harry retreat behind
barriers higher than that book. And unless he wanted to break his plan of
distant seduction, he couldn�t exactly grab Harry and kiss him into submission,
the way he yearned to do.

�� What he
could do, and did, was grasp the offered hand firmly for a moment, then sit
back and trail his fingers along Harry�s palm as he pulled his hand back. As he
had expected, that made Harry�s eyes widen and his pupils dilate a bit. Draco
smiled. Harry could take it for a friendly smile all he liked. Draco would play
by the rules- on the surface. However, he was not about to act as if they�d
never kissed. That was stupid. And Draco had a reputation to maintain about his
own lack of stupidity, while Harry didn�t need to worry about his.

�� He wants
to know what he wants? I think he does know now, part of the answer, and he�s
running from it. Fine. I�ll just be tempting enough- the perfect mixture of the
kind, understanding friend and the lover responsive to flirting- that he won�t
want to run.

�� Friends,
of course, Harry,� he said, and turned back to his own book. Perhaps Harry
watched him for a moment before he began his pretense of reading. Draco didn�t
look up to find out.

�� He just
added a little more patience and determination to his own mental walls. I
can wait. I can wait. When the right moment comes, Harry will have talked
himself into it, and he�ll have no one to blame but himself when we go to bed.

�� The one
thing I refuse to be for him is a source for guilt or excuses.

*

�� Harry eyed
Draco uncertainly. He had been sure that Draco wouldn�t accept his request, and
now-

�� But he
did. That means that you can pursue your plan. Just don�t talk to him like a
lover, don�t touch him like one, don�t kiss him, and don�t make stupid tests of
his resolve and yours, and nothing more will happen.

�� Of course
nothing more would happen. Because he wasn�t gay.

�� Harry went
back to reading. That the words blurred in front of his eyes was not his fault.
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Learning Life Over