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Matters of the Heart	By : strawberryf1re Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Snape/Hermione Views: 34556 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 6
Disclaimer: The Harry Potter universe (characters, settings, etc.) ŠJ.K. Rowling. No profits are made from this work.

Chapter List
- 14
- 15
- 16
Rating: M – inappropriate for readers under the age of 16; contains scenes of explicit sexuality and violence.

Disclaimer: Characters and settings ©J.K. Rowling

Matters of the Heart

K. Marie

Chapter 15

Severus appeared on the street before the Three Broomsticks. The witches and wizards walked by with no concern, as Apparation was not an unusual occurrence in the streets of Hogsmeade. Shrugging his shoulders in his travelling cloak and combing his fingers through his disheveled hair, Severus eyed the passersby momentarily.

He often felt quite weary as of late whenever he was called to meet with his colleagues. Call it paranoia. He thought to himself. With a secret such as that he was keeping, it perhaps was no surprise that he was uneasy about faculty meetings lately. He shoved his hand into his pocket, grasping his wand firmly.

Severus knew it was foolish to concern himself so much over a paranoid suspicion. He was an excellent Occlumens, so there was no reason to believe anyone would know from reading him. Hermione, perhaps – but professors were forbidden to read the minds of students, unless given proper reason, and even so, such a thing needed to be approved by Dumbledore first… as either Albus or Severus would have to be the Legilimens hired for the task.

"Perhaps it would be worthwhile to train her in Occlumency," Severus growled, his voice hushed.

He pushed open the door to the pub, and peered around. He spotted Minerva McGonagall and Filius Flitwick sitting in a booth towards the back of the pub. Nodding his acknowledgement, he approached the bar to order a drink.

"Ah, Severus, my friend!" came a familiar friendly voice from behind the Potions Master.

"Good afternoon, Headmaster," he replied, turning slightly to catch sight of Dumbledore.

"Ordering a Scotch, I presume! Madam Rosmerta, my dear, I shall take an eggnog!" Dumbledore requested. "Her eggnog is absolutely lovely. I don't suppose you've tried it, Severus?"

"I have not," Severus replied, his voice low.

"Ah, well, I highly recommend it!" Dumbledore said. He turned towards the booth the others had taken. "It looks as though we are waiting on Pomona and Poppy to arrive."

Rosmerta set a heavy glass of Scotch on the bar and smiled at Albus as she retreated to a backroom, presumably to retrieve the eggnog. Severus picked up the glass and took a sip.

"Thank you, my dear!" Albus gleefully said as she handed him his cup of eggnog. He drank from it and sighed, pleased. "As delightful as always, Madam Rosmerta. Thank you!"

Dumbledore made his way to the table with the Heads of Gryffindor and Ravenclaw, Severus following close behind. As he sidled his way into the booth, he greeted his colleagues.

Severus sat down slowly at the end of the table beside the Headmaster. Greeting the other professors in kind, he traced the lip of his glass with his finger. There was absolutely no hint, no clue as to why this meeting was called. Rationally, Severus believed it may involve the theft of his supplies. But there was a part of him that worried, perhaps irrationally, that they were there to confront him about his relationship with Hermione.

Professor Sprout entered the pub and waved to her coworkers. She stopped by the bar to order a drink, and talked cheerfully with the barmaid as she prepared the beverage.

"Just a few more minutes and we should be able to begin," Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling at the others.

Severus was growing impatient. He sipped from his Scotch, trying to calm his nerves. It was uncharacteristic of the Potions Master to grow anxious, but his ignorance to this meeting's purpose was bothering him greatly

"Pray tell what this is about, Headmaster," Severus asked silkily, eyeing Dumbledore cautiously. He knew not why he distrusted this conference's purpose so much, but he was livid with unease.

"I shall once the others arrive, Severus!" he sipped his eggnog.

Snape took a small sip of his whiskey and set the heavy glass down on the old wooden table. Poppy Pomfrey finally entered the pub. She came straight to the table, greeting everyone with a warm smile. Pomona Sprout was not far behind, her glass in hand.

Dumbledore shifted in his seat slightly and looked around at the familiar faces. Severus had to slide in close to the Headmaster to allow for the others to sit in the booth. He scowled, wondering why on Earth Minerva and Filius decided this table, of all the tables in the pub, was the logical choice.

"I'm sure you all are wondering why I asked you here on this lovely day before Christmas Eve, and on such short notice," Albus began.

There were some mumbled comments by the other professors, but Severus remained quiet. He sipped his Scotch, watching the others.

"As you know, before break I sent out owls to the parents informing them of the theft," he began, nodding towards Severus. "I have received some information from the parents of a student who wish to remain anonymous. Their child suspected one of his fellow classmates, a Slytherin."

There were some audible gasps from the professors, and Pomona glanced at Severus. The Potions Master's grip tightened around his glass as he grew angry with this information. The nerve of one of his own students!

"I have no evidence for such claims. I will continue to do some sleuthing to find out what I can," Dumbledore continued.

"Who is the accused student?" Professor Flitwick asked, eyeing Snape.

Dumbledore turned towards the small professor, peering at him through his half-moon glasses. "The student named, who I must reaffirm is only accused" – he looked at Severus, who was trying to conceal his anger – "was Katrina Filthrum."

Severus looked up from his drink suddenly, feeling a combination of fury and confusion. Miss Filthrum was not a delinquent student, and this accusation seemed very out of character for the girl.

"Now, Severus, I understand how this can make you angry," the old wizard began. "But we don't know for certain just yet if it is indeed Miss Filthrum. I hope you do not react to this information, as it is not confirmed."

Severus shook his head. "I do not believe it to be true, Headmaster. She is a very well-behaved student. Theft is unlike her."

Dumbledore nodded. "I also thought so, but I will investigate this matter further as we try to discover the true culprit. In the meantime, I request that you do not act on this information."

Severus nodded. "Of course, Headmaster."

The other professors remained quiet for a moment, exchanging glances and unspoken words. Severus' mind was pondering the possibility that Filthrum had been the thief – but he couldn't rationalize why a fourth year student would steal those items; she wasn't a particularly skilled brewer, either, and the fertility potion required precision and expertise to craft accurately.

After some time passed in silence, the professors began discussing their Christmas plans. Severus, of course, said nothing; how inappropriate would it be to share his Christmas plans? His only intention was to remain tucked away in his bed with Hermione for the day, making love throughout the hours. He imagined for a moment her flushed face below him, her moans of pleasure, the feeling of her tightness wrapped around him…

"Severus, I would like to speak with you alone," Dumbledore said, interrupting his reverie. "Happy holiday to the rest of you!"

The other professors started standing from the booth, sliding out to leave. Severus and Albus bid them farewell, and the two men were left alone. Severus felt his stomach knot as that familiar paranoia emerged yet again. He could not feel Albus trying to penetrate his mind, but he wasn't sure if the man wouldn't try.

"Severus," the Headmaster began, pulling his spectacles off his crooked nose and setting them on the table. The old man rubbed at the corners of his eyes, in a way that he did only when he was concerned about something.

Severus eyed him suspiciously. He finished off his whiskey, setting the glass at the end of the table to be cleared with the others. He felt as though he should order a second, as the mannerisms of the older man beside him unnerved him. Several moments passed before Dumbledore said anything.

Severus shifted in his seat. Dumbledore pinched the bridge of his nose, his eyes closed. It seemed as though he was torturing himself with how to begin the conversation. Severus did not like how long it was taking for the elder man to speak, and he suspected he knew precisely where the conversation was going.

"Severus," he said again. "After I met with you the morning of break, I ran into Harry Potter and the Weasleys as they were making to leave."

The Potions Master now had a very good idea as to where this conversation was going. As he began formulating a response, he responded: "And?" his voice was oily, intentionally expressing the irritation.

Perhaps if Dumbledore knew that the repeated accusations simply annoyed Severus, he would let it rest. Unlikely. Thought Severus bitterly, and he manipulated his wand in his pocket, trying to quell his apprehension. Albus was only doing his job; above all else, his love for Hogwarts and his concern for the students would prevail. As it should.

"I thought it odd that I did not see Miss Granger there as well. It was my understanding that she usually spent the holiday with her family or with the Weasleys," he continued.

Severus' heartbeat fluttered. Perhaps that second Scotch would still be of use. He raised his hand to catch the attention of the barmaid, who nodded with a smile and disappeared behind the bar.

Dumbledore was obviously distressed by the words he was speaking. When he paused, it seemed indefinite, and when he spoke, the words were slow. The twinkle in his eyes was replaced by a dull seriousness that Severus only witnessed when they were discussing very dark, dark matters.

"The boys informed me that Miss Granger was staying at the school for the holiday to continue working on her project," Dumbledore continued.

The barmaid set Severus' drink on the table and collected the other glasses. Severus nodded to her and pulled the glass to him, sipping from it. Dumbledore hesitated for a very long time (yet again) and Severus was watching him closely.

He knew precisely where this conversation was going, and he did not like the thought of it at all. He had not anticipated Potter speaking to Dumbledore before he left for break, and because he did not expect it, he did not plan for it. Foolish on his part, perhaps, as he knew Hogwarts kept records of every student who was staying for the break, so the students could receive their gifts properly and on time. Severus cursed himself for forgetting this small detail, but there was no use for it now.

"Strangely enough… there is no record of her staying," Dumbledore said.

"I fail to see the relevance of your mentioning this to me," Severus growled, taking a rather long gulp from his whiskey.

"Given recent… accusations," Dumbledore began, but Severus refused to let him finish.

"Perhaps it is due to recent accusations that you are so quick to mistrust me, Albus," Severus growled. "Do you not think it is quite possible that Granger decided to visit her parents for the vacation?"

"I suppose that is also an alternative explanation. Perhaps she did indeed change her mind at the last minute, and failed to inform her friends," Dumbledore said, though he did not sound convinced. He peered at Severus over his half-moon spectacles, and the Potions Master suddenly felt as though he was a pupil of Dumbledore's once more.

"Severus, if there is anything happening between yourself and Miss Granger, it will not remain secret forever," Dumbledore warned. "You must be careful in your actions, Severus. This is not safe."

Severus did not reply to the man. He finished his whiskey, slapped down a few coins, and rose from the table.

"Happy Christmas, Headmaster," he growled, and swept away.

While Severus was gone, Hermione had taken to his library. She picked up a volume of an alchemy encyclopedia, and retreated to the threadbare armchair.

Sitting cross-legged in the chair, the heavy book in her lap, Hermione read through the pages slowly. It was a fascinating read, truly; she was piquing her interest in various potions she had never heard of, and hoped dearly Severus would permit her to craft. But as she sat there reading, her mind began to wander.

Is this normal? Hermione thought. She had tried not to think too much on the subject, but as she sat in Severus' sitting room, she couldn't help but ponder the circumstance.

There were several occasions when the Head Girl was sitting quietly, in the library or in her rooms, when she started considering the situation she was in. How absurd was it that she was engaged in a love affair with her professor? Moreover, how insane was it that she engaged in sexual intercourse regularly with her professor, especially one whom she held such disdain for in the past – a man who, in fact, raped her?

Hermione could not make sense of why he had ever raped her in the first place. She tried not to think of that particular incident too much because it recalled the gruesome reality of the beginning of their relationship. It had barely been a few months since the horrendous event occurred, and here she was, in the house of her assailant.

Yet she never thought of him as that man anymore. She could almost forget that he had ever caused her such pain and humiliation, because ever since he had been so very delicate, so gentle with her. He made love to her, as every man should to a woman he cares for.

She had experienced the two opposing extremes of sex, and at the hands of the same man. She had been incredibly humiliated and violently assaulted – something she found very hard to swallow (as she should – she knew that rape was a serious offense that should never be taken lightly). But that same man, he was capable of loving her so intensely, loving her so completely that she felt as though he was the missing piece of her that completed her being.

She picked at a loose piece of thread on the arm of the chair. She did not regret her decision to leave the rape unreported. She knew with every inch of her being that if she reported what Severus had done, he would have been removed from Hogwarts. Hermione did not want to see harm come to her friends, her classmates, because Severus was no longer in the safety of Hogwarts. Even though he raped her, she hadn't wanted any harm to come to him, either.

At the time, when she had made her decision, she had not considered the fact that there was a possibility that Dumbledore either would not removed Severus from his staff position – instead, forbidding him to ever remain alone in a room with a student again, or some other form of monitoring – or still confer with him outside the halls of Hogwarts. She did not consider that possibility and she wondered now if she had, would it have affected her choice? Would her decision have been any different if Severus were not so vital to the war?

There was no use second-guessing herself now, as she had no intention ever reporting Severus. Even if they failed to last until the end of the term, he would have a very difficult time explaining to Dumbledore why he raped her, and then additionally why he continued having an inappropriate sexual relationship with a student.

She was certain that what she felt for Severus was love. She knew it seemed very, very strange indeed that she could fall in love with a man who violently raped her, but when she saw the amount of remorse and guilt for his behaviors, she knew he was absolutely sorry. Whether or not a man could apologize for such a heinous crime, Hermione knew not. But what she did know was while she could never totally forget what happened to her, she could forgive Severus. And she had.

There was an uncharacteristic sensitivity to the man in the weeks following the attack. He tolerated her childishness as she handled the situation, forcing herself to heal and move on. He answered all of her questions, and he was infinitely supportive of whatever path she decided to take. Hermione knew that he must have felt cowardly for not reporting himself to Dumbledore, but she knew as well as he did that his services were imperative to the cause of defeating evil, and he was very valuable to the side of the light.

Neither of them knew why Severus Snape had raped Hermione. The Potions Master, a man of extreme control, was not one to let his emotions overtake his logic. He had the utmost rationality for every behavior, and yet he had somehow behaved inexcusably towards a woman who trusted him without question. He had somehow lost complete control of his body and violently assaulted his apprentice. Neither of them knew why he did it, and they probably never would.

Hermione heaved a heavy sigh. Whenever she thought about the roots of their relationship, her stomach turned and it wasn't the good, lovey-dovey kind of turn. It turned with nausea, with anxiety, as she couldn't bear relate the man who she was so in love with now, the man who made love to her with the gentlest nature, to the man who had violently stolen her virginity in an uncontrollable rage of lust.

The back of her throat burned with the threat of tears. Trying to distract herself, she returned her attention to the book in her lap. She knew it would not do well to dwell on the past. It did not take long for her to become absorbed once more in the reading, and she was thankful for it. The rest of the world was drowned out to her now, and she was pleased that all was as it should be.

When Severus Apparated into his home, the sudden noise startled Hermione so violently that the book she was reading fell from her lap. She leaned over to retrieve the book from the floor, setting it on the arm of the chair and standing to greet Severus.

"Your friends spoke to Professor Dumbledore before they departed for break," Severus said, looking at her.

Her expression slowly changed to one of concern, as she realized the significance of that statement. "He doesn't know…?"

The harsh lines of Severus' face were exaggerated by his expression of frustration. "That was not the purpose of the conference, but he made sure to mention it to me when the others left. I denied the accusation, but Hermione, I am growing so weary of lying to the man."

"I know, Severus… I know," she sighed, sitting slowly. "I feel as though every lie you tell, the deeper you're digging your grave."

"Indeed," Severus growled. "But let us enjoy our vacation. It is the first time I have had company on this holiday, and I plan to enjoy myself."

Hermione smiled warmly. "I think that sounds like a wonderful idea, Severus."

Hermione and Severus spent most of the afternoon locked away in the master bedroom, enjoying each other. They lay in Severus' warm bed in the nude, Hermione resting her head against Severus' chest, his long fingers combing through her hair.

"Don't you think this is strange?" the question was very sudden, and it took Severus a moment to understand what it was she was asking, exactly.

His answer did not come immediately. Hermione lifted her head to look into Severus' face, and she recognized that he was considering the question seriously. She laid her head back down, her fingers drawing shapes on his chest.

"I do," he whispered.

Hermione waited for him to continue. The pause was very long, but she understood that Severus did not say anything that was not worth speaking. He wanted to formulate an answer to her question that was satisfactory, an answer she could understand and relate to. An answer that would satisfy them both.

"Hermione," his voice was soft. "I have done horrible things in my life, and I believe you are aware of that. I have done many things that I regret, many things that haunt me. But, more than anything else I have ever done, I agonize over my assault of you. When you fled the classroom that horrible night, I was abandoned there with the skeletons I thought I had skillfully hidden away. I don't know why that happened. I don't know why I raped you.

"I will never forgive myself for betraying you in such a horrific way. I will never forgive my robbery of your innocence, or the anguish I caused you. I will never forgive that I forced you into such a situation that you had to place the well-being of everyone else above your own. You did not deserve what happened to you, and I will never forgive myself for hurting you in that way.

"I don't know when it happened. Somewhere between the evening I accepted your apprenticeship to the morning you confessed you did not know how you felt about me, I fell in love with you. I knew I had absolutely no right to love you, as you deserve more than I could ever give you. But I loved you. I knew it was abnormal and inappropriate, and I did my damnedest to suppress it. But it was overwhelming.

"When you asked me yesterday if I had ever loved before, I could not help but find an innocent humor to your question. I have only ever loved one woman in my life, and I believed I would love her forever, and I was doomed to a life of loneliness because of that – but when you had asked, I had known then that I was wrong. I knew that I was mistaken because I had fallen in love with you. I had loved you for months by then, and I knew I would love you for years later.

"Is this strange? It absolutely is. I am nearly twenty years your senior, and what is more I am your teacher. Everything about our relationship is inappropriate. It is abnormal. But I will be damned if I am not happier now than I have been in decades. I will be damned if I will let some unconventionality rob me of that."

Hermione had ceased her drawing as Severus was speaking. She couldn't believe the words that he was saying; even considering how well she had grown to know him in recent months, it seemed very uncharacteristic of him to say anything like that. But she knew he was being honest, he was being sincere, and he wanted her to know that he loved her. Very much.

One question plagued her mind, though. She did not ask before, because she wasn't sure she should. But she had to know. She pushed herself up on her elbows and looked him in the eyes.

As amber met ebony, she asked: "Have you been protecting Harry because you loved his mother?"

Severus' entire body froze. His face was unreadable to Hermione, and she worried she had crossed a line. The corner of his mouth twitched, and she thought perhaps she recognized that smile she had grown to love so much.

"Perhaps that is a matter we can discuss at another time, my dear," he replied, his arm tightening around her to draw her in. "I'm afraid there is not enough time left in the day to explain that to you so you will understand it."

Hermione, though disappointed, nodded. There were so many aspects of Severus' past that she was eager to know, and there were equally as many things that he seemed determined to keep private from even her. While that was something she would respect, she was afraid it would grow old, soon.

"I know, Hermione. There is very much you still wish to know about me, and I promise you, the day will come where you will know so much you'll wish you never knew me at all," he growled, his voice somber.
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Matters of the Heart