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Amore et Amicitia	By : Kimmimaru Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Sirius/James Views: 6683 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any characters or settings by JK Rowling. I make no profit from this story.

Chapter List
- 14
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- 16
AN: Ok, so for this chapter you should understand that I have had to push Sirius' self-discovery along a little, I would have preferred to wait and take it slowly but I have a lot of things to fit in so I don't have time. :p Sorry. Also you will have to understand a bit about Sirius' family tree, I have looked at the version on Harry potter Wiki for reference so Lucretia is actually Sirius' Aunt on his Father's side, however, it doesn't say whether they have any children so that particular part is Artistic license. :) Please enjoy this chapter. Thank you for reading. I love any thoughts you may have on it.

Chapter Fifteen: Inventio Se (Self Discovery)

Sirius collapsed against the wall, he was breathing heavily as he tried to work out and remember just what the girl had done to him. Finally he opened his eyes and saw her standing in the half darkness, he looked into her eyes and she seemed expectant. “That was...amazing...” He muttered as he pushed hair from his eyes, he would avoid telling her or anyone else that he had been thinking of James the entire time and when he had come he had seen James’ hazel eyes looking up at him. The girl smiled. “I’m sorry but...I don’t know your name.” He said suddenly feeling guilty.

“Jenny.” She said looking pleased with herself, she tucked hair behind her ear absently and he sensed that she was expecting something of him. It made him feel extremely uncomfortable when he tried to think what he was supposed to do in this situation. “I...I’ve watched you around the school...” She said slowly, her blue eyes meeting his. “I like you.”

“Um...Thanks...” He said, shifting awkwardly, he looked away then back again, unsure what she was doing.

She looked at him for a long time before seeming to come to a realisation. She giggled and moved closer to him. “Sirius, are you a virgin?”

He flinched and felt heat colour his cheeks. “Well I...”

“You are! All my friends say that you’re much too handsome to be a virgin but I knew.” Her smile was sweet as she moved closer and kissed him on the lips, the sensation was very strange as he could still taste his own semen on her lips. He licked his lips and shivered at the taste, Jenny moved closer and for a moment they looked at each other. Sirius realised a split second too late that she expected him to initiate the next kiss, so he pulled up all his Gryffindor courage and took the plunge. His first try he missed her lips and ended up kissing her chin. He pulled away in embarrassment, muttered a hasty apology before trying again. When their lips finally connected he closed his eyes and remembered what he and James had done, drawing on that experience he gently pushed his tongue past her lips.

It was an odd experience, he tried to summon up the same heat and passion that had burned between James and himself, but even as her tongue met his within the confines of their mouths he felt...nothing. Her hands rested on his hips and she seemed to be enjoying the kiss but for him it was mechanical, there was no passion, nothing. He felt an odd nagging worry in his mind; what if he was broken? He tried to push it away but his mind refused to relinquish the idea, it was the only reason he could think of that would make kissing a girl actually boring. Sirius broke the kiss to look at her she smiled, her cheeks obviously flushed even in the half light of their tiny cupboard. “Wow...” She breathed. “You’re an amazing kisser.”

“Thanks, look I...”

“It doesn’t matter that you’re new to this, I’ll show you what to do.” She smiled and took his hand, she gently slid it up her thigh and beneath her skirt. Once again Sirius was convinced that this should be some kind of profound experience for him, a turning point in his teenage life, but he couldn’t feel any excitement. It wasn’t like when he had touched James for the first time, or even when he felt his Uncle’s hand gripping his erection in his hot hand. It was cold and passionless. He bit down on his bottom lip as Jenny moved her rather scanty knickers out the way and guided his fingers towards her genitals. Sirius tried very hard to pretend, he tried to make her think that he was enjoying making her feel good but he couldn’t. Quite the contrary to making him excited it made him feel a little ill, he continued none-the-less. He was surprised to see her moaning and gasping as she guided his hand, her face was flushed and she was extremely wet down there. Sirius decided that he wouldn’t think about it, he let his mind drift but kept a close eye on what Jenny was doing in case he hurt her. He thought about his homework, he needed to get an essay done for Binns on popular Punishments for accused Witches in the sixteen hundreds and he had to read up on the best way to tackle a Boggart for his DADA teacher, Herman Brash, they had been told that they would be facing one soon. In Herbology he had to re-pot his Mandrake and in Transfiguration he had to practice the spell to turn a racoon into a cushion without keeping its pattern. In Potions... His thoughts were abruptly cut off as Jenny suddenly tensed, his mind was snapped back to the here and now and he watched her reach orgasm. It was fascinating in the same way slicing up a toad was, it was gross and squishy and messy but intriguing all at the same time. Yet he still felt nothing. Sighing Jenny smiled at him and Sirius finally regained his hand, he held it slightly away from himself so he didn’t have to think about where it had been, Jenny seemed happy enough though as she reached up and kissed him on the cheek. Before he could do more than mumble a vague apology she had disappeared.

XXX

The party had died down and James sat in a seat by the fire yawning, he had coloured streamers in his hair and a bottle of smuggled Firewhisky in one hand with a cigarette in the other. He was alternately smoking and drinking, Remus eyed him from a seat of his own. “You know if you keep that up you’ll get sick and die.”

James scoffed, swaying where he sat. “You don’ know wha’ you’re on abou’...” He slurred.

“You’re going to wake up and regret drinking so much as well.” Remus replied in that same even tone, like a nurse.

“You talk too much, Remmy...” James mumbled.

“Where’s Sirius?” Peter asked from where he sat on the floor with a plate full of fairy cakes, each had black icing in deference to Sirius’ surname.

“No idea...” James said, taking a deep drag on his cigarette. He had pilfered it from a seventh year, along with the whiskey. James prided himself on his reflexes and delicacy, and he had stolen the seventh-year’s supply of cigarettes without him noticing. He grinned happily to himself. Suddenly the portrait hole opened and revealed a scruffy, very confused looking Sirius Black. He walked in and plonked himself down beside James, without thought he snatched James’ cigarette from his hand and took a deep, well practised drag before blowing it out of his nose. James watched him in awe. “Where the hell did you learn to smoke?” He said, his head clearing with the shock.

Sirius looked sideways at him. “I used to steal ‘Dromeda’s cigarettes and smoke them out my window, been doing it since I was ten.”

“Show off.” James muttered, taking the cigarette back. “So, where’ve you been?”

Sirius licked his lips slowly, a frown marring his brow. “I got a blow job.” He said softly.

James choked violently on the mouthful of alcohol he had been about to swallow, Remus went over to him and hit him on the back until he had regained his breath. “Y-You...You what?!” He managed to gasp. Remus watched Sirius curiously.

“That Jenny girl...she took me to a broom cupboard and she gave me a hand job and before I knew what was happening she was on her knees and...” He trailed off, gazing into the fire.

“Wow! What was it like?” James leaned forward eagerly and Sirius frowned.

“It was...pretty damned good actually.”

James looked awed as did Peter, but Remus looked calculating. “Sirius, what else did you do?”

“We kissed and I...” He grimaced involuntarily as he remembered just where his hand had been that evening. “I...You know...” He waved his ‘non-girlyfied’ hand vaguely.

“No, we don’t know. Spit it out! This is the most experience any of us has ever had, I need wank material here...details!” James shook Sirius slightly but Sirius brushed him off.

Remus sighed and put his hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “Don’t talk about it if you don’t want to.” He said calmly.

Sirius finally looked at them both, his face twisted in anguish. “I didn’t feel a fucking thing!” He burst out savagely, James gazed at him in utter confusion whereas Remus looked as if he had known all along. “When I was touching her d-down there I...I was thinking about homework! I never think about homework! She was w-wet a-and i-it was...” His stomach clenched as he remembered and he shuddered. “Oh god...There’s something wrong with me!” He pushed his hands into his hair and began rocking back and forth slightly as distress overwhelmed him. Remus sighed and sat by his side, comforting him with a hand on his shoulder. James simply stared at him in drunken confusion.

“James?” Remus pointed at the bottle in his hand and the packet of stolen cigarettes. “Pass them over here.” James did so mutely. Remus took a cigarette out of the packet and put the end in his mouth, he lit it with a wave of his wand and a muffled incantation before blowing the acrid smoke back out again. “Here...you need this.” He handed it to Sirius who took the burning cigarette in one hand and snatched the firewhiskey with the other, he downed what was left in the bottle and lobbed it into the flames of the dying fire. There was a whoosh as the alcohol ignited the dying flames.

“Why were you thinking about homework?!” Peter asked, amazed that Sirius Black, the handsome trouble maker was actually having difficulties with something so mundane.

“I don’t know Peter!” Sirius said, throwing his arms in the air and falling lower in his seat, he looked up at the ceiling, smoking away without really thinking about it.

Remus sighed softly and gazed into the fire. “What were you thinking of while she was...erm...” He blushed but soldiered on. “Doing the...blow job...?”

Sirius froze, the fire crackled and spat but he didn’t move a muscle. “Why?” He asked after a long silence.

Remus turned to him. “Because it’s important.”

“I...I was thinking of...I don’t know what I was thinking of, alright?!” He jumped to his feet, the cigarette clutched between two fingers of his right hand. He was glaring at Remus, his fury was palpable. The air seemed to thicken with his anger, he was rapidly losing control in the way he had on the Hogwarts express. “Christ Remus! Why have you got to know every tiny little detail?! I shouldn’t have said anything...this is stupid...” He flicked the cigarette butt into the fire and stormed towards the stairs. “I’m going to bed.”

XXX

Over the next few days Sirius fumed quietly, he sat in corners surrounded by a dark aura that scared a few of the more timid first years. James watched him and wandered why he was acting so moody and strange, he was confused as to why Sirius would react in such an odd way to having gone further with a girl than any of them. Remus kept his distance, knowing that he would only drive Sirius away if he tried to communicate with him. Peter tried talking to Sirius and had ended up running from the common room in tears...

James watched Peter flying from the room, he turned to Sirius who was brooding in his corner and glaring into the flames with such a look that it seemed to sear the very air around him. After a seconds hesitation he followed Peter. He found his round friend sitting in the loo’s and crying into his hands, he sat before him for a while until he calmed down. “What’s wrong Petey?” He asked and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

Peter sniffed and wiped his eyes on a tissue James handed him. “It’s...S-Sirius...” He mumbled and hung his head.

“What did he say?”

“I-I went up to him to ask him i-if he was alright b-but he...but he didn’t answer...I pushed him until he turned on m-me...” He dry sobbed briefly before regaining some self control. “He said he didn’t want to talk, e-especially t-to a-a useless, f-fat...S-Squib...”

James sighed, Sirius had never been very partial to Peter, he called him names and teased him more than he did James or Remus. He had a deep well of contempt, probably bourn of his upbringing, for Peter and James couldn’t understand it but always thought Sirius’ taunting to be relatively harmless. Now he knew that Peter took it all to heart. “Come on Peter, he was just angry, it wasn’t anything personal.” He said soothingly. “He would have said the same to either me or Remus, you don’t need to take it to heart.”

Peter glared at him sulkily. “You know that’s a lie, James. He’s always cruel to me, laughing when I make a mistake in class, making me the butt end of all his cruel jokes...”

James sighed, he couldn’t deny it. “But that’s just the way he is, you know that if ever any of us were in trouble he would do everything in his power to protect us...he would die for us, Peter.” He knew that this was the truth, he saw it every day in Sirius’ pretty moonlight eyes, he saw it when he was smiling at them, he saw it when he was talking to them. Sirius was loyal to the point where he would willingly throw his life away for someone who showed him even the smallest sign of affection, the thought made him slightly uncomfortable as such a disregard for his well being was detrimental.

“For you or Remus he would, for me? I doubt it.”

No matter what James said he couldn’t convince Peter that Sirius hadn’t meant what he had said so finally he changed the subject and managed to bring him into a better mood.

XXX

Finally Remus grew bored of Sirius’ moping, he confronted him before the Green Houses one blustery March day. “You need to stop being so miserable.” He said bluntly, James stood at his shoulder and watched Sirius intently, during their friendship he had thought he understood the renegade Pureblood, but now he thought he was wrong. Sirius Black was an enigma, his mood swings were wide and varied and it didn’t take much for him to explode in a bout of violence over the silliest triviality. Sirius gazed at Remus through a curtain of ebony hair, his insolent gaze heavily lidded so his sparkling eyes were almost hidden. “We’re your friends, Sirius, and we love you but this has to stop. Did you know that you made Peter cry the other day?”

Sirius’ sneer was obvious as he flicked his eyes over Peter. “So?”

“So...He’s our friend! You can’t treat us like that.” Remus said firmly, seemingly completely unafraid of Sirius’ temper. His steady gaze bored into Sirius who was lounging against the wall of the Green House, his foot pressed against the glass and his arms folded across his chest. He blew hair from his eyes and scanned each of them with that slightly disturbing dagger-like gaze.

“What is this shit? Some kind of intervention?” He drawled. “I’m not a fucking drug addict, I’m just...angry.”

“We noticed.” James muttered, pushing his glasses further onto his nose. “You’re pushing us away.”

Sirius stilled, he was so still in fact James got the eerie impression that he had turned to stone so when his lips moved it caught him off guard. “I’m not.” He said quietly, eyes flicking to each of his friends in turn.

“Oh no, of course not.” Remus muttered, his voice dripping sarcasm. “Sirius, this is getting ridiculous, your tantrums are not only childish but I’m bored of it. If you don’t want to be our friend anymore then say so, stop acting as if the whole world is against you!”

“It is.” Sirius’ voice was softer than a whisper of air but it made James frown, before Remus could continue his tirade he put a hand on his arm to halt him.

“What really happened?” He asked softly.

Sirius looked at him, his expression blank and his eyes dark. “I think you already know.” He said slowly, tasting each word carefully. They seemed to be bitter because his mouth twisted. “It’s taken me a long time to really realise what is wrong with me, why I didn’t...no, why I couldn’t feel anything more than a vague interest in Jenny, even while she had her mouth around my cock.” His eyes bored holes into James, he didn’t like the way Sirius was acting like any other pureblood Slytherin, it made him wary. “I had to think about it for a long time, I looked at books, I spent hours in the library and I even went to the restricted section...I asked some Ravenclaw Sixth years for their pornographic magazines...At first I thought that there was something broken inside me and it could be fixed...” He sighed and looked off over the clusters of other students who had gathered outside the Green houses, when he next spoke his words were halting and James noticed the slight twitch of his hands as he ran them through his hair. “I looked at the images and the only ones that made me feel anything at all were ones with men in.” His shivered. “As if I’m not different enough! As if my family don’t have enough reason to hate me, to praise Regulus!”

“What’s wrong Sirius?” Peter asked and James almost kicked him in the shin, but before he could Peter had already spoken.

Sirius’ face twisted in a mockery of his normally handsome features, and, for the first time, his friends were faced with the rage of a Black. He looked utterly deranged. “What’s wrong?!” He snarled furiously, his upper lip peeling back from his teeth. “What’s wrong, Peter, is that I have realised that not only am I a filthy bloodtraitor in a family full of people who hold to the old values, but I like men! I am attracted to men! Do you understand me? I’m fucking gay, Peter!”

Peter gaped openly for a long time, he sputtered before suddenly taking a step backwards. “You’re gay?!” He exclaimed, his eyes huge.

Sirius sneered at him, but James caught the flush of embarrassment on his cheeks. The wind picked up and blew his hair around his face, his eyes glittered with emotion. “Yes, I am gay.” He said slowly. “I’ve been working up the courage to tell you...and it seems I should have kept my fucking mouth shut.” His hands shook slightly as he pushed fingers into his hair and turned his head away. “My parents are going to kill me.” He said in a small, childish voice.

Remus stepped up to him and pulled him into an embrace. “Don’t worry Sirius, I knew.” He said softly.

“You...did?”

Remus nodded. “My uncle Jeff, on my mother’s side, he’s gay too.” He smiled. “My mum explained to me years ago how difficult it was for Jeff to come out, how their parents had had a difficult time accepting it, how he was persecuted...she told me that she had guessed long before he had brought up the courage to tell their parents. The signs were all there, Siri, but it was something you had to discover on your own.”

Sirius swallowed and leaned back, he tipped his head back against the glass and covered his face with his hands. “You don’t understand what this means...” He whispered.

“...Sirius, you can’t tell anyone else.” James said slowly, finally getting over the shock of the confession. “Not a soul! Even if it means you have to have fake girlfriends...you can’t allow this to get out beyond this circle.”

Sirius nodded and slipped down into a crouch, his shoulders shook and Remus frowned. “Why does he have to hide?” He asked.

James looked at him gravely. “Because of who he is...”

Remus looked confused. He turned to look down at Sirius who spoke in a dead monotone. “Ten years ago there was a girl, her name was Florence Yaxley...her parents found out she was gay when they found her kissing one of her friends. The girls were sent to St. Mungos for Shock Threapy...their still there now and...and they can’t even remember their own names let alone respond to any outside Stimuli.”

Remus’ eyes widened in horror. “How can anyone do that?!” He exclaimed.

James shrugged and put his hands in his pockets. “It’s not a well known secret, every pureblood child is told of some horror story concerning gays, we’re told them so that we can grow up and marry and reproduce...we’re told because we’re on the borders of extinction.”

“My parents...” Sirius whispered. “They...they had...me engaged...”

“You’re engaged?!” Peter gasped.

Sirius nodded slowly, still hiding his eyes behind his palms. He sat crouched on the floor, his back pressed against the cold grass and the brisk wind tugged at his hair. “Her name’s Lyra...Lyra Lucretia Prewett...the daughter of Aunt Lucretia...my Father’s Sister. ” he wrapped his arms around himself and buried his face in his knees. “I have to marry her, she’s my cousin, she’s pureblood...if we have children we would be doing our duty to our family and continuing the line.” He shuddered. “But how can I marry someone I can’t even have sex with, let alone love?”

“They would make you marry your first cousin?” Remus asked, he felt a little ill at the thought.

Sirius looked up at him from above his knees. “My mum and dad are cousins.” He said quietly. “I’m related to James as well...there’s no way I could make a good marriage with such a small gene pool to choose from.”

“But if you had children from such a union...” Remus couldn’t even begin to speculate about the results from such an act.

Sirius’ eyes took on an odd faraway look as he continued to look at Remus. “Look at me, Remus.” He said quietly. “Look at me and tell me, without lying, that I’m perfectly sane.”

Remus looked and realised that he couldn’t. There was something about Sirius that made the hairs on the backs of his arms stand on end, something unpredictable and dangerous. He knew he wasn’t all there, but he had always ignored this base instinct. He was suddenly glad his father had chosen to marry a muggle-born woman.
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Amore et Amicitia