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For all Joy wants Eternity	By : katzenhai Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male Views: 4707 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 15
- 16
- 17
For all Joy wants Eternity

Chapter 16

He didn't hear the door behind him open.

Feeling the first caress of smooth coolness against his brow,
promising like a soft, refreshing breeze, Severus leaned further
forward, slightly turning his head, until he could feel the
window's glass touching the entire left side of his face. The
warm moisture of his breath, which was partially reflected from
the pane stroked his lips and tickled his nose. Slowly closing
his eyes, the Slytherin let himself get carried away, got
completely lost in those sensations, desperately trying to close
himself off from the silent but forceful struggle against the
familiar paranoia that had broken out inside him. Tried to
ignore how reality, his reality, steadily rose along with the
morning sun, merciless as a seething tide, rose until it would
have drowned him anew in the inevitability of his existence,
when...

od mod morning, Severus."

...when something inside him snapped.

Every single nerve, each muscle, his entire body immediately
reacted with a speed and vehemence that gave alarming
evidence of the sheer horror which had taken possession of
the Slytherin the very moment the voice had registered upon
him. The cold shower of terror that washed over him flooded
his insides, hurled his guts up violently against his contracted
throat and left his heart twitching helplessly in an iron fist of
icy fear that sent its freezing breath through Severus's chestith ith the force of an avalanche. In a split second, all the
physical and mental horror that had so often been announced
by the unexpected sound of a certain bodiless voice crept all
over his skin and soul, irresistibly taking hold of him.
Helplessly, desperately he had to watch how his quivering
consciousness resignedly submitted to the one it thought
would be waiting for him, and to what was to come. Not able
to summon the necessary strength to keep his body from
complying with submission whieizeeized by the customary,
breathless fear, the spy had already accepted his legs
moving him around, had begun to search for the remnants of
his pride and now steeled himself for the hated sight of those
gleaming red slits and the cruel grin he waited to be greeted
with.

And he turned around for good.

When his eyes finally registered the source of those words,
he was unable to tell exactly what it was that brought him
closer to tears than anything other than Voldemort's cruelty
had managed. Nothing since Albus's gentleness had actually
made him cry, that night down in his dungeons. Maybe it was
because now, he was faced by the same tenderness that
had wrapped itself around him then. Tenderness that was
shining in and flowing from eyes that were meeting his, eyes
that didn't hold the slightest shimmering of red. Or maybe it
was the warmth in that smile, the affection and shyness, yes,
shyness, that were dancing around those lips at the same
time, unbelievably enough. An honest, caring smile, not the
cynical, grinning parody his persecution mania had made him
expect.

Maybe it was just blinding relief that it was not Voldemort
here in the same room with him.

When Severus thought about that moment again later, though,
he became aware of the true reason for the powerful emotions
that had overwhelmed him, just as suddenly and without any
warning as the terror had previously. It had not been merely
blind gratitude to have found himself not in the Dark Lord�s
presence. Of course he had been profoundly grateful to realize
that he had not awakened to his nightmares cominue yue yet
again, but what he felt over and above that had gone so much
deeper, had lit even the most forgotten spots of the darkness
inside him, had warmed him like a blazing, welcoming fire.

And he would know that he owed all of it to the presence of the
very man who had been standing there in the door to the
bedroom. The werewolf. The Gryffindor. Remus Lupin, already
fully dressed.

But it was only later that Severus found the quiet and time to
explore his feelings extensively enough to discover this truth -
which some part of him had already been aware of for quite
some time.

Now, the spy was happy to sense how the unbearable tension
began to ease off, how light seemed to start spreading inside
him, how the slackening grip of panic and fear slipped away
more with every heartbeat. How the Gryffindor pulled him out
of it with gentle insistence, with nothing more than that warm
glance and that honest smile. Probably not even knowing
about the healing effect that his presence had on the Slytherin.

"Are you all right, Severus?"

With part of him clearly catching the slight trace of alarm
in the other man's voice, Severus let his body slowly sink
against the window sill at his back. All he was able to answer
with was a slow nod. Only the weak, though still heartfelt
smile the vanishing tension inside him gradually gave way to
seemed to convince the Gryffindor. Or so the werewolf�s
smile said, which grew a little wider, but was still edged with
a degree of bashfulness. Of uncertainty.

For a few moments of pleasant silence, the two of them
merely held each other's glances. Shared each other's smiles.

Until Remus's voice filled the room once more.

"I hope you had a comfortable night, your having to sleep in
that chair notwithstanding..."

Still smiling slightly, Severus nodded.

"That chair was more than acceptable. I can't remember when
I last slept all night through until morning, but last night I was
lucky enough to do so." The spy withdrew a little from the sill
and straightened his body, knowing deep inside that luck had
had nothing at all to do with the restful sleep of the past hours.
"So yes, I guess I had a comfortable night."

Even though this was not a lie at all, Severus felt another truth,
a much deeper one, pressing from inside, urging to be voiced
with almost irresistibly gentle insistence. There were more
words thronging on his tongue, words of deepest verity that
would mortify that pathetic last sentence of his answer to the
Gryffindor. They would sing of the bliss that had lain in those
hours he had been allowed to spend in the eye of the storm, in
complete stillness and tranquillity, unaffected for once by the
violent chaos that was swirling around him. Those words would
tell the story of how he had felt totally safe, had been able to
rely on the constancy of the refuge he had momentarily found.
Of what it meant to him to be able to give in to the comfort and
indescribable bliss of feeling secure for once, to the luxury of
being granted an opportunity to unreservedly trust.

Still, he deliberately swallowed each of those words. Every
single one of them. One after another.

It was not that Severus was not ready for the truth. The past
months had showed him very clearly, and last night had been
still more lucid evidence for, what he had finally accepted in
the end, even though this had not been easy.

Hours spent with the Gryffindor were like promising rays of
light. All the ritual's effects would never change the fact that
only Remus's presence lifted the constant pall of fear he,
Severus, was living under. A fear that never quite left him, that
was neither connected to the physical closeness of others,
nor to being called to the Dark Lord's side, nor even to the
dark forebodings which told him what would be waiting for him
once he had arrived at his former master's side. The fear he
felt was more diffuse, but even more profound. Not really
definable, but ubiquitous. He couldn't name it, but it went deep,
had become an all-embracing part of his existence, and he
had to struggle hard to keep it in the tight mental grip that he
had on it. Most of the time. It was a kind of fear that would
scare him out of his wits should he allow it to. One that he was
afraid would finally break him, even before the Dark Lord could
do so physically.

And amazing as it was, the only person able to let him forget
about it all, to lift the weight of nameless terror from his mind
was the Gryffindor he had once nearly lost his life to. The sheer
awareness of the werewolf's presence represented a feeling
of safety and unquestioning confidence, created a warm,
consoling cocoon of trust that Severus had never even
imagined might exist. Only the knowledge of Remus being next
door had granted Severus a night of purest peace.

But by no means could he tell the other man this. Tell him how
desperately he had wanted to stay yesterday evening. How
much he had ached to be able to let go completely. How much
he'd longed to let himself fall into the soothing warmth he knew
had been waiting him, which all the solace and genuine
empathy of the werewolf's presence stood for. How much he'd
needed that resort of peace, trust and safety only one person
could grant him.

How much he needed Remus Lupin.

Calling himself to r inr inwardly, Severus refocused on the man
in front of him. And even as he opened his mouth, he felt his
own flimsy smile sneak up into his eyes.

'A most comfortable night indeed.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

A sharp knock snatched Remus's head up from the letter he
had received from Harry this morning, only shortly after
Severus had left, and immediately drew his glance towards the
door. Even though he knew almost at once that it was Albus
standing there outside his room, an ice-cold feather seemed to
stroke over his heart, tantalizingly soft and whispering, making
his insides freeze with the sudden certainty that there was no
good news waiting on the other side of the door. Unwittingly
feeling for his wand under his robes, he put the small roll of
parchment aside and slowly got up from his chair, already
muttering the spells and incantations to lower the wards to his
quarters.

The older wizard entered swiftly, not facing Remus until he
had carefully closed the door behind him. Only after the
werewolf had renewed the magical protection to his rooms did
Albus finally consent to meet the younger Gryffindor's eyes.

For a few unbearable seconds, Remus was forced to simply
search the Headmaster's face for any hints as to why Albus
had bothered to come up here personally instead of sending
an owl or using the Order's means of communication. The
anxiety that the werewolf saw shining in the other man's eyes
and carved into his features mirrored the fear he felt himself,
and when a small sigh form the Head of the Order announced
the beginning of an explanation, Remus was not sure
anymore whether he wanted to hear what had brought the
Headmaster up to the East Tower.

"Remus, I thought it best to inform you face to face, since I
have a feeling this concerns you very personally - as you
yourself showed me last night."

A violent wrench took hold of the werewolf's throat. His fingers
clawed around the wand in his hand.

Severus.
This was about Severus.

The dread that rose inside him must have shown somehow,
because the touch he felt from Albus's hand on his shoulder
was a very gentle one, meant to be soothing, to calm him
down, as if anything could ever...

"So far, nothing has happened, Remus. Please, relax!" The
younger Gryffindor felt the sudden urge to grab the other man
by his arms, to shake him and scream at him until he finally
understood that the werewolf did not intend either to relax or
to calm down before he knew exactly what in the name of all
banshees had happened to his friend. Still, the choking that
he felt in his throat kept him from making even the slightest
sound.

Albus's second hand came down on Remus's other shoulder
in a tender brush, and the werewolf felt the Headmaster's
insistent eyes drill into his own, forcing him to concentrate,
to keep on breathing.

"He was called to Voldemort this morning,� Dumbledore
explained. �Very early. During his first class of the day. He
didn't have time to send any owls; that's why he wasn�t able
to let you know. If my calculations are correct, he left the
castle about thirty minutes ago."

Slowly, gradually, Remus�s mind took in what he was told. The
cold fear that he had been caught in started to ebb away as
rationality began to take over, and with a bright flare-up of
relief he realized that Albus was right. So far, nothing had
happened, nothing beyond the usual events that determined
the spy's life. Still, the trembling way that he let go of his
breath revealed how profoundly he had been shaken by the
mere possibility that something serious could have happened
to the Slytherin. As if there could be anything more serious
than what the Dark Lord would make happen to him anyway�

Remus was strongly tempted to let himself fall back into his
chair. To let go of the alarm of the past few minutes. To lay
back and let relief wash the residue of anxiety off him.

Had he not been gripped by the strange feeling that there was
more to be told than the Headmaster had hinted at thus far.

'That�s not all, Albus, is it?'

The older wizard carefully regarded the werewolf for another
moment, as if to make sure that the other man was ready for
what he still had to tell him. Apparently satisfied with the
growing calmness and composure that now showed on Remus's
features, he shook his head before continuing.

'You can imagine that he had some difficulty complying with
Voldemort's orders, teaching in front of a class as he was. He
sent one of his students up to my rooms with a magically
sealed and extremely brief message that he must have written
right after having received the call, and I decided to take over
his class myself, mainly because I hoped to be able to speak
with him before he left.'

Albus's face grew very sober. With both of his hands exerting
a bit more pressure on Remus's shoulders than before, he let
eye contact between the werewolf and himself grow even more
intense. If this was possible.

'When I arrived in the dungeons, though, he must have
already been on his way to his private quarters. I found a
classroom empty except for the students, and each and every
one of those children�s faces was edged with dismay and
uneasiness, even though they could not tell me the exact
reason for this when I asked.' Another small sigh escaped
the Headmaster's lips. 'But they told me something else.
Obviously, Severus had somehow been aware that this call
was not an ordinary one. I have no idea if the burning of the
Dark Mark can be modified by Voldemort, according to the
urgency or quality of what awaits. Be that as it may, Severus
had left a message with the class before he departed.'

Remus watched the Headmaster's lips press together tightly
when he stopped talking. Though still caught in the other
man's calming gaze, the werewolf could sense the slight
hesitation, feel how Albus himself was shrinking back a little
from what had happened. From what he'd been told.

Afraid that the older wizard was about to decide not to share
Severus's last words with him, Remus clasped the
Headmaster's right forearm in a tight grip of his own,
unable to keep a barely noticeable tremor out of his voice.

'What message, Albus?'

One more torturing moment of silence before the Headmaster
finally went on.

'Not to wait for him.'

-----------------------------------------------------------

In the course of the morning�s remainder those five words
became the object of heated discussions, hair-raising
interpretations and highly controversial arguments, among
students as well as within the Order, which had been
summoned by the Headmaster immediately after he had left
Remus's quarters.

Dragged along by the swift sequence of events, the werewolf,
who was now sitting in Albus's office with his fellow Order
members, had not yet been allowed to truly awake to all the
possibilities that Severus's parting words implied; not until the
Headmaster's voice put an end to yet another pointless and
partially chaotic debate during the past hour. Albus's calm
words didn't tolerate any contradiction at all, and only when
the perfect silence that had fallen afterwards had lasted for
a seemingly endless minute did he continue speaking.

'I know that the present situation of uncertainty is extremely
frustrating. This is true for every one of us, although for
different reasons. Still, the very last thing that will help us
now is to wind up in speculations that will assuredly lead us
nowhere.'

Fixing them all, one after another, with a grave and heavy
glance, the Headmaster leaned forward in his chair.

'What we need to do now is get closer to thetrue meaning of
Severus's message by ruling out possibilities. I'm quite certain
that some of the rumours floating about are so very unlikely
that they can be safely excluded from the beginning; and
if we fall back upon reason and common sense, I'm sure
we'll be able to get close to what Severus wanted to tell us.'

Remus was literally able to sense how every single person in
the room tried to pull him or herself together, a collective
attempt that felt like one deep, joint exhalation of breath. A
grateful stillness had suddenly enveloped them all, allowing
the werewolf to finally begin to get his own thoughts and
emotions in order again. Until Moody's snarling voice cut into
the silence.

'If you ask me, I'd say this little drama is all about wanting to be
at the centre of attention once more. What exactly makes you
think that Snape really intended to *tell* us something, Albus?'

It was far from the first time that Remus had to struggle hard to
keep his tongue in check. The fact that certain members of the
Order were not too well-disposed towards the only Slytherin
among them had been something he had been able to
understand most of the time since the Order had been
re-founded: Severus's demeanour had never been one to win
people over, and Remus had, after all, been on the receiving
end of it himself. The Slytherin's past as a Death Eater was yet
another thing to make him a less than popular man. the then
Remus had been granted a more detailed glimpse into what
had shaped the spy's life into the extremely twisted existence
that it now was. He knew what Severus was going through, at
least theoretically, and ever since he had known, brooking the
flat rejection towards the spy shown by some members of the
Order had become something that the werewolf was barely able
to manage. Usually, his strong urge to defend the Slytherin was
nipped in the bud by the swiftness and unerringly violating
currishness with which Severus himself reacted to most of the
gibes he had to take, but since the spy was not able to defend
himself today...

A hot wave of gratitude washed over the werewolf when
someone else stood up for the Slytherin.

'I don't think Severus would have risked dragging his
students into this if he hadn't regarded this message as one
of vital importance, Alastor.' Minerva's voice rang out clear
and strong. Ignoring the muffled snort from Moody's direction,
a clear sign that the Auror was not the least bit persuaded, the
deputy headmistress turned to Dumbledore and went on.
'Speaking of which, Albus, perhaps it would be helpful if you'd
repeat what the students told you this morning one more time,
so that everybody will have the same information.'

Remus lifted his head, fully concentrating, all his senses
alert. He had not realized until now that he didn't know the
exact wording of what Severus had told his class, and from the
many observant faces around him he could tell that he was
not the only one still uncertain.

'A very good point, Minerva.' Albus acknowledged his deputy
with an approving smile. ��To whoever might be taking this
class over: tell them that waiting for me would be absolutely in
vain." That is, precisely, what the boy from Severus's class told
me.'

A short silence followed.

'whatwhat house was this boy from?'

With another smile, the headmaster turned to where Moody was
sitting.

'Slytherin, Alastor. Emrys Bunyan from Slytherin.'

Unable to hold back any longer in light of the disdainful look
that had been on Moody's face when the Auror shook his
head, Remus decided that it was finally time to speak up.

'I have a feeling that we should first find out once and for all
who among us attaches enough relevance to that message to
uncover its meaning. No offence intended, but those of us who
don't consider it relevant can�t very well help those of us who
do.' Looking around at all of them, the werewolf tried hard to
keep the faint smile he felt slipping from his lips in place. 'I
suggest that those who regard this meeting as a waste of
precious time and energy should not feel obliged to stay.'

'Another very good point indeed.' Remus felt how Albus riveted
his glance on him, a warm twinkling in his blue eyes. 'So,
anyone who doubts the significance of the message Severus
left us before he had to Apparate to Voldemort's side - and of
course everybody has the right to doubt it - please feel free to
leave this meeting now without hesitation!'

Beaming brightly, the old wizard leaned back in his chair to
look from one member to another. Not even Alastor Moody,
who knew best of any of them that there had been no
intention at all to pressure anyone in Albus's words, so much looklooked into the door's direction.

Remus had just enough time to catch the small gentle and
reassuring smile that the headmaster sent his way before the
older man's face grew completely sober once more. Before
they were to finally begin discussing the possible implications
of Severus's message in earnest.

Author�s notes:
A happy, happy New Year to everybody *beam*!!!

@Ilmare: Thanx for your comment!
Never ever would I dare forgetting about this fic ;o)! The problem
was that my (absolute fantastic!) beta was not able to work on
the story for quite some time � but now that she�s back to her
usual and always extremely high standards: yes, I guess there
will be some Severus/Voldemort-scenes in the future�
Great to have you with the fic, hope you�ll stay tuned!
@ta: So good to know that you like FaJwE and the rather romantic twist it
took with the latest chapters!
As for your hope for a happy-ending-solution of the mess Severus
is in�well, it�s hope that dies last, right *grin*?
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For all Joy wants Eternity