Darkness Within

Severus raised his head slowly from his pillow and winced a little. Rubbing his forehead, he remembered the Firewhisky and groaned softly.



‘Fuck, I am so stupid,’ he muttered.



He wondered where Hermione was, and forced himself to climb from his bed. He threw on his bathrobe and fastened it tightly. Walking down the stairs, he strained his hearing for a sign of Hermione somewhere in the house, but heard nothing. Severus went into his lab and found a pain potion, which he swallowed quickly, grimacing at the bitter taste, and then went into the kitchen, put the kettle on and a then put a large spoonful of coffee into a mug. He glanced around the room and realised it was exactly as he had left it, their uneaten food congealed onto their plates and the bottle of Firewhisky, now empty and lying on it’s side on the table. Severus cleared the table quickly, and then using one of the few domestic spells he remembered, he started the washing up.



The kettle clicked off and he waited a few moments, before pouring the hot water onto the dark grounds. A small noise behind him made him jump, and he turned to see Hermione behind him, looking pale and tired, with large dark circles under her eyes. His heart broke at the sight of her, and he ran his tongue lightly over his lips, not knowing what to say.



‘Can I have one of those?’ she asked him quietly.



‘Of course,’ he replied, his voice raspy from the whisky. He took another mug from the cupboard and made Hermione her coffee, adding just the right amount of milk. He turned and handed it to her, pausing as her eyes met his and their hands touched softly.



‘How’s the head?’ she raised her eyebrow a little.



‘Banging,’ he muttered, ‘did you sleep?’



‘No. Did you?’ she asked, as she sat at the table



‘I have no idea,’ he said softly, and ran his fingers through his hair.



‘Severus, I am sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,’ Hermione didn’t look at him but he saw her hands were shaking.



‘You should eat something,’ he murmured and sat opposite her.



‘I can’t eat. I feel sick,’ she whispered.



‘I am sorry we argued, Hermione,’ Severus whispered softly, staring at the top of her bowed head. He noticed her hair was looking slightly bushy, and realised she must have to work hard to keep it under control.



‘I’m sorry too,’ she looked up at him, and he saw red rims around her eyes where she had been crying, ‘I was scared to tell you, I knew you wouldn’t be happy.’



‘You have been a good companion, I will be sorry to see you go. But you have to do what you feel is right,’ Severus said quietly.



He was lying to himself, and to her. He wanted to get on his knees and beg her not to go, to stay and make his life complete, to kiss him and make him feel whole again. He could see in Hermione’s gaze that she knew he was lying, too. He smiled a little and shrugged. There was nothing to say.



‘We have two weeks,’ Hermione murmured.



‘Indeed,’ he replied. And each day will be agony, a day closer to you leaving me, he thought to himself.



‘And I will owl you, every week, I promise,’ Hermione was starting to sound desperate. He could hear it in her voice.



‘Mail is always welcome from a friend,’ he murmured, sipping at his coffee.



‘I am your friend, Severus, I hope I always will be,’ Hermione whispered sadly.



Severus raised his gaze to her and smiled, a warm, genuine smile that showed his teeth slightly, ‘You are my best friend, Hermione, as you well know,’ he chuckled softly.



‘Only friend, you mean,’ she parried back at him in their familiar way. This was an old joke between them, and suddenly they were in safer territory. Hermione smiled at him.



‘We made a bit of a mess of things,’ Severus looked at her, his eyes clouded slightly.



‘Last night, you mean? Well, crawling into a bottle of Firewhisky is never the answer,’ Hermione looked pointedly at the empty bottle.



‘Full circle, you might say,’ Severus’s eyes were twinkling now and Hermione laughed at him.



‘Bastard,’ she laughed.



‘Always,’ he smiled.



‘I’ll miss you,’ she said.



‘I know,’ he replied, grinning. He ducked as Hermione lifted a wet cloth and threw it at his head, missing by a mile.



‘Arsehole,’ Hermione glared at him and Severus chuckled.



‘Come on, enough of this. I’ll buy you breakfast,’ he said.



‘You’re on,’ Hermione smiled at him.







***********



Four days later, Severus and Hermione were sitting in the small living room in the cottage at Godric’s Hollow. Albus was on Severus’s knee, and being very entertained by the bubbles coming from the end his wand. Hermione was reading a story to James, and looked up briefly at the clock on the mantelpiece.



‘I think it’s bedtime for two tired boys. Mummy and Daddy will be home soon, so let’s get you tucked in, and they can come and say goodnight in a little while,’ She smiled at James, who was looking sleepy eyed and rubbing his face with his small, podgy hands.



Hermione lifted James and sat him on her hip like an expert.



‘Will you be okay if I go and take James?’ she asked Severus.



‘Of course. I can teach Albus some Slytherin secrets while you are gone,’ he smiled at the giggling baby, who was trying to catch yet another bubble as it went floating just beyond his grasp.



‘Say goodnight to Severus, James,’ Hermione said.



‘Night, Uncle Severus,’ he murmured sleepily.



‘Goodnight, Master Potter.’ Severus murmured quietly. He couldn’t quite bring himself to say James, not yet anyway. He knew himself that it was silly, but he just found it too hard.



Severus lifted Albus gently into the crook of his arm and flicked his wand quickly, turning out the lights. He sent tiny stars up towards the ceiling in multi colours, letting them light the room and float in circles about their heads. Severus smiled as Albus snuggled closer into his chest, his eyes not leaving the ceiling as he watched the lightshow. Within moments, a deep breathing sound was coming from the child and Severus grinned as he saw that he had fallen asleep. He stroked his tuft of dark hair gently, and wondered to himself what his own children may have looked like, had he had any of his own.



Hermione walked back into the room and looked up at the ceiling and then at Albus, sleeping peacefully in Severus’s arms.



‘You really are good with him,’ she whispered, ‘and that is really pretty,’ she pointed at the stars and Severus smiled at her.



‘I suppose I should put him in his cot,’ he murmured.



‘Good idea,’ Hermione answered very quietly, and then watched as Severus took the sleeping child and walked up the stairs.



Severus was back within moments and chuckled as he saw Hermione standing in the centre of the room, watching the stars as they continued to dance in patterns above her.



‘You’ll fall asleep too if you keep looking at them,’ he said softly and walked to stand beside her, looking upwards.



‘It’s so lovely though,’ Hermione smiled and turned her gaze to him.



‘A simple trick, that’s all,’ Severus caught her eye and turned his face to hers slowly. Hermione was staring at his mouth, her tongue running slowly over her bottom lip. Severus took a sharp intake of breath as she stepped closer to him and tipped her chin upwards. He couldn’t stop himself from bending his head to hers.



‘Hello,’ Ginny’s voice called softly from the hallway and Severus immediately stepped back, flicking his wand to turn the lights back on and extinguish the floating stars.



Hermione looked a little flushed but walked over to Ginny quickly.



‘James is waiting to say goodnight,’ she said quietly, ‘and Severus managed to get Albus to sleep just like that,’ she clicked her fingers and grinned at Severus, who took a mock bow.



‘I’ll go up to them. Harry is just parking the car. Thank you so much for looking after them,’ she smiled, and walked up the stairs to check on the boys.



Hermione turned to Severus and smiled ruefully.



‘Timing is everything, I guess,’ she said softly.



Severus ran his hand through his hair, and said a silent prayer of thanks that Ginny had stopped him doing something foolish.







*****



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