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Seasons of War	By : Lomonaaeren Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 9694 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
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Chapter
Sixteen�Readiness to Change

�� He will
recover.�

�� Draco, even
as concerned about Harry as he was, wasn�t deaf to the nuance. He glanced up
sharply. �You said that he�ll recover, not that he�ll be fine,� he said. �Why?�

�� Portillo
Lopez, who was cleaning the odd steel instrument she had placed against Harry�s
head to check some pulse or sign of health unknown to Draco, paused and gave
him a level stare. Draco looked back, twining his fingers with Harry�s. Harry
was unconscious, and had been since their hasty evacuation from the London
cache and return to the camp. Draco had gone to Portillo Lopez both because she
was a Battle Healer and because he thought she wouldn�t betray them. Seeing the
condemnation in her eyes now, though, Draco wondered whether he wanted to hear
what she would say.

�� She braced
one hand on the bed where Harry lay and leaned forwards to look at him. �I
think of �fine� as a return to normal,� she said quietly. �He will not return
to normal. His connection to Nihil has increased. He will have more of those
visions and dreams, I am certain. His moods may alter in reaction to Nihil�s.�

�� Draco
stared at her in horrified silence. He had never thought this might happen. He
had come to think�well, that Harry couldn�t
be damaged by the necromancy he practiced or whatever it was that really
tied him to Nihil.

�� It seemed
stupid, now, for him to have assumed that Harry would always be fine simply
because there had been no reaction so far.

�� Draco cleared
his throat weakly and took up Harry�s other hand. It was limp and cold in his,
and Draco would have given Malfoy Manor for it to warm. �But�what does that
mean, in practical terms? What can I do to help him? Is it possible that he
would betray us to Nihil even though he doesn�t want to?�

�� Portillo
Lopez remained cool and tense for some moments, and then relaxed enough to
reply, �I do not think so. A stronger connection�a connection of the kind that
you have with Nihil, yourself, through his catching you by his link with
Nusquam�is not necessarily going to do more harm. It will change him, as I said. You may have to be more patient with him.�
She pierced Draco with a look that showed she thought that would probably be
impossible for him. �If Nihil could compel someone to do what he wants merely
from touching his artifacts or toys, most of us would have been enslaved before
this. As it was, Potter made contact with something Nihil had left behind, not
with Nihil himself. Not that it was not a stupid thing to do,� she ended, with
a shake of her head.

�� Draco
swallowed. It was little good saying that he hadn�t asked Harry to do this or
hadn�t known he would. He had asked Harry to do things that might have been as
dangerous, might have changed him as much, or more.

�� Be
careful,� Portillo Lopez finished, and then turned and walked out of the tent
before Draco could ask her for any more advice or make any promises. Perhaps
she�d had promises like that made to her before, Draco thought as he stroked
Harry�s forehead. She would never believe them if they came from necromancers
that she knew would find themselves drawn back to the Dark Arts whether or not
they wanted to go.

�� I�m
sorry,� Draco whispered to Harry. He was glad that they were alone now; he had
dismissed the rest of the comitatus to their tents the instant they returned.
He had to consult Portillo Lopez by himself so that he could make the decision
as to how much to tell them. He didn�t want them too discouraged.

�� But by
himself�

�� Draco could
feel the sting of tears around his eyes. He shut them, but it did no good. The
tears were still there, and they would leak
out. He took a deep breath and shivered, and then reached out and put a hand in
the middle of Harry�s chest. His skin was cool and waxy everywhere on his body,
not just on his hands, but his heartbeat was strong, and Draco stood listening
to it until he thought he had himself under control.

�� Then he
whispered, �Never again. I�m not going to ask you to do anything like that
again, and I don�t want you to take the risks. That�s why we have the comitatus
now. Granger can research less risky alternatives, and Herricks and Ventus can
handle threats that would cripple the rest of us. Weasley��

�� Even in the
generous plans he was making at that moment to spare Harry, Draco couldn�t
really find a use for Weasley. He hesitated, then shrugged and decided that he
would simply have to do it later.

�� We�ll keep
each other safe,� Draco said. �You came into the darkness after me, twice. That
was in the case of a risk I took, and
if you felt one quarter the desperation to keep me safe that I feel for you
now, I can�t blame you. But otherwise�no. It�s not happening again.�

�� Draco knew
he would have a hard struggle, against the instincts that seemed to urge Harry
to become a martyr on the spur of the moment as well as with the other members
of the comitatus, who would have different ideas about keeping Harry safe. But
he didn�t care how hard the work was. He would perform it. He had been willing
to do no less to secure his freedom, defy his father, and win power.

�� And Harry
was the most important thing in his life. Perhaps he could not have admitted
that in front of anyone else, but here they were, alone, and here it was, as
bright in his mind as a murder weapon.

*

�� Harry woke
slowly. It felt as though someone was holding him down with heavy bonds, not
wanting him to wake up. But he had struggled against bonds like that before,
against weights like that before. He floated to the surface and hovered there,
blinking.

�� He found
himself on the bed in his and Draco�s tent, which he had to admit was an
improvement over the cold stone of the cavern he had expected to find. Draco
was curled up behind him, chest pressed against Harry�s back and his arms
locked possessively around his waist. Harry closed his eyes and touched Draco�s
wrist for a second.

�� Then he
started trying to get up, because, as nice as Draco�s gestures might have been,
he had to go to the loo.

�� The
movement woke Draco, of course, though Harry hadn�t intended it to. Draco
pressed his lips against the back of Harry�s neck and kept them there as he
murmured a greeting. Harry turned around and kissed him, then renewed the
struggle to get up.

�� Not yet,�
Draco whispered. �Don�t leave me yet.�

�� Harry
paused and gave him a wondering glance. �I�m not going to leave you,� he said, puzzled as to why Draco had used that word. �I
only have to empty my bladder, which I presume you wouldn�t want me to do in
front of you.�

�� No,� Draco
said, but the word was tinged with reluctance. He rolled away, arms lifting
last of all, and Harry made his escape.

�� When he
came back, Draco was sitting up in bed, clothed only from the waist down and
watching Harry with a devouring hunger that made Harry flush self-consciously.
He gestured to a little tray nearby with soup on it, kept warm by charms, along
with cheese and a piece of toast. Harry nodded his thanks and started eating.

�� Draco
remained still, staring at him instead of telling him what had happened, and at
last Harry decided that he would have to speak. �Well?� he asked, around a
mouthful of bread. �We must have got out of the cache all right, but other than
that, I don�t know anything. What happened after I fainted?�

�� Draco
closed his eyes as if he would have to recall a complicated series of
movements, but his voice was precise, the details bare. �Your fainting scared
the shit out of all of us. We left the cache, after replacing the stone wall
with a glamour. When we got back, you wouldn�t wake up and were barely
breathing. I contacted Portillo Lopez. She said that from now on, you�ll have
more nightmares and visions, and your moods might change to reflect Nihil�s.�

�� Harry
stared at him, aware that his open mouth was full of half-chewed food and not
really caring. Only when Draco gestured for him to shut his jaws did he
remember, and then he closed them convulsively and swallowed the same way. �I
don�t understand,� he whispered. �I didn�t touch Nihil�s mind directly. And the
memories were the memories of the ball of nothingness, not his.�

�� But they
were still memories of Nihil, even if
they didn�t belong to him.� Draco leaned forwards. �I heard you scream when you
were looking at them. You suffered pain from them, whether or not you think you
should have. I don�t want you doing anything like that again.�

�� Harry sat
up, but he waited until he finished the soup before he responded. This was an
argument he and Draco had had before, and he knew it wouldn�t be easily
resolved.� But it was also an argument
that Draco had used before without understanding how it went against Harry�s
instincts. Harry would simply have to remind him that he didn�t usually plan to
hurt himself; it was simply the result of instinct and opportunity, and he
would do it again because he didn�t
plan, and he didn�t know who might need his help in the future.

�� Anything
like that again?� he asked. �What would that
be? Helping you find out the truth about Nihil? Doing something that can fight
and hurt Nihil? Something risky? You know that you can�t hold me back from that,
Draco, and I�m surprised you would try.�

�� Draco
closed his eyes and massaged his temples with one hand. Harry ordinarily would
have apologized and moved to try and soothe the forming headache, but in this
case, he could only do that by making a promise that went against his whole
nature. So he remained silently and obstinately in place, and Draco opened his
eyes with a groan and made another plea.

�� I want to
keep the rest of us safe too, Harry. It�s not a prohibition that only affects
you. We should use the strengths of the comitatus, the way we did in the first
part of the raid on the cache. Herricks and Ventus came along to help keep us
safe, and they might have been able to do it this time, too. We could have learned
a lot from Pensieve memories of the footprints in the rock. There was no need
for you to use your connection to Nihil and necromancy that way.�

�� Harry shook
his head. Draco still didn�t see.
�But I didn�t deliberately set out to do that,� he said. �We never would have
found that chamber in the rock in the first place if not for my connection.
That�s not something anyone else in the comitatus could have done, finding it.�

�� And the
investigation into the ball of nothingness?� Draco asked evenly. �Do you think
that�s something only you could have done? That there was no less risky way to
find out what we needed to know?�

�� It
wouldn�t have been information that was as complete,� Harry said triumphantly.
�Would we know about Nemo with any other method?�

�� But, just
as you don�t deliberately set out to endanger your life, you didn�t
deliberately set out to discover that,� Draco said swiftly. �You didn�t know if
the information would be worth when you performed that spell. It might have
been even more valuable than what you did find. It might have been worthless.
That�s why I want you to stop taking risks, Harry. Because you gamble something
that we do know is valuable�your life�for the sake of a gain that might not
be.�

�� I haven�t
failed to gain something valuable yet,� Harry retorted, more stung than he
would admit by that tactic. It seemed unfair to him that Draco was going to
turn his way of arguing around on him. �Whether it�s information that we can
use immediately or facts that we can put together later.�

�� But
someday you will,� Draco said quietly. �Someday you�ll die. And we can�t keep
fighting Nihil this way, with these little jerks of wit and insight and
brilliant intuition that cost you so much. Leave something for the rest of the
comitatus to do, Harry. Let others help you. That�s the hardest lesson you�ll
ever have to learn.�

�� What about
your hardest lesson?� Harry snapped.
He felt that Draco was right, and he didn�t want to feel that way, because he also
felt that he had to take risks. That
was the only skill he had that the others didn�t, the ability to take risks and
survive them. �You were the one who reached out to the darkness the day we made
the weapon, and that turned out to be a brilliant idea, too.�

�� My hardest
lesson is learning how much I love you, and how much it would destroy me if
anything happened to you.�

�� Harry
turned his head aside. Draco promptly moved so that they were still
face-to-face. He didn�t try to touch Harry or force him to look, but sat there,
eyes so bright that Harry couldn�t bear to look away.

�� Harry
swallowed. He hadn�t thought, again,
about what might happen to the people he left behind if he died during one of
those charges into the darkness. His vague idea was always that the lives saved
or the information gained would be worth it, that his death didn�t have to mean
the end of the war or the fight or someone else�s life.

�� And for Ron
and Hermione, who had each other now, and Ventus and Herricks, who weren�t
precisely close to him, it could be survivable. But Draco?

�� I would
rather give up my inheritance than you,� Draco whispered. �I would rather give
up Malfoy Manor. I would rather give up my life. Does all of that tell you how
important you are to me? Are you convinced?�

�� Harry
nodded against his will. �But what about the risks that everyone else takes?�
he demanded. �How can we fight a war that we have to fight defensively?�

�� We only
had to do that as long as we didn�t know what was preoccupying Nihil,� Draco
said calmly. �Now we do.�

�� What?�
Harry raised his eyebrows. �I discovered how he was getting the balls of
nothingness out, yeah, but not why he hasn�t attacked us in the past few
months.�

�� It�s
perfectly obvious,� Draco said, with a return of the superciliousness that
Harry knew so well. �He�s been busy creating these balls of nothingness. We
should have remembered that his ultimate goal is to destroy the world so that
he doesn�t have to remember his pain, not to punish us or destroy the Aurors.
He�ll create them and create them until he has enough to make the world�collapse,
or consume itself, or whatever the consequences are of bringing that much
nothingness across.�

�� Harry did
feel stupid for not seeing it before, when it was phrased that way. �All
right,� he said. �But let�s say that we do manage to destroy Nemo and keep him
from bringing more balls of nothingness into the world. What then? I just don�t
think that we�ll defeat him, and we might not know enough to oppose whatever
tactic he comes up with next.�

*

�� Draco
sighed. Harry would do anything, it seemed, to keep risking his life, and he
hadn�t reacted to Draco�s confession of love and desire the way Draco had hoped
he would.

�� But then he
reminded himself that Harry was struggling against deeply-ingrained instincts,
instincts that he had to fight even harder because so many times they had worked and won him whatever he was going
after. And he had survived so far, so it was hard for him to imagine a time
when he wouldn�t.

�� We�ll work
with the rest of the comitatus, of course,� Draco said quietly. �And maybe with
this group of Aurors that Ketchum was telling us he represents, always assuming
that he was telling the truth. It�s enough to hold Nihil at bay. We�ll find out
what else he�s trying to do and keep him from doing it.�

�� Harry
gnawed his lip and looked stubborn.

�� We have
resources that we haven�t called on yet,� Draco said. �This group of Aurors.
Our compatible magic�Weston and Lowell have hinted that it can do marvelous
things, and we�ve barely explored them. Portillo Lopez�s Order, which must know
more than she does by herself. We can do this, Harry, without jumping into
danger every time danger comes along.�

�� I don�t do
that on purpose,� Harry insisted. �I don�t plan it.�

�� Since it
seemed important to him that Draco acknowledge that, Draco did tilt his head in
acknowledgment. �Yes, I know,� he said. �But that doesn�t matter when the
result is so often the same, Harry. You get what you�re going after, but you
come back injured. If the war effort against Nihil matters so much to you, you
ought to want to survive it, and not connect yourself to him or change yourself
in ways that would render you unable to participate.�

�� Harry
lowered his eyes. Draco waited patiently through the silent struggle that
seemed to take place, and finally Harry made a frustrated noise and looked back
at him.

�� What if
this is the only way I can participate?� he whispered. �What if there�s no
other way I can contribute to the war effort? It�s the result of everything
I�ve done so far. I took up necromancy impulsively, and it was useful. I risked
my life dashing to Hagrid�s assistance, and we learned more about Nemo�s
beasts. I went after you into the darkness without realizing what I was doing,
and I rescued you and we learned how to make the weapons. What else can I do?�

�� Is this
war your whole life?� Draco asked.

�� Harry
stared at him, and then asked, as if he thought it was a trick question, �No?�

�� It isn�t,�
Draco said. �Your life is also mine, and your friends�, and the comitatus, and
becoming an Auror. You can do other things, Harry. I�m only asking that you not
simply charge in and risk your life the way you did anymore. If you have a
wonderful idea, discuss it with
someone else first. Please.�

�� Because I
came so close to dying this time?� Harry had a thick line between his brows
that Draco knew he would have to address sooner or later.

�� Because
I�ve realized what would happen to me if I lost you,� Draco said, and then
waited.

�� Harry
stared at his hands, at the tent flap, at the bed�s headboard. Then he swallowed
and reached out. Draco�s hand was already waiting for his, and he held on
tight, although it was hard enough to make Harry wince. He needed to feel the
bone and the tendon and the flesh and know that Harry was alive.

�� I�m
sorry,� Harry whispered. �I honestly had no idea that I was hurting you so
much. I�ll try to discuss my ideas with you first, but I might not always
succeed. It�s not something I�m used to.�

�� An effort
will be enough for me,� Draco said. �And that way, you can get used to it
slowly. Over time, the effort will become more of a habit, and we can learn
together. Do you want to do that?�

�� Harry
turned Draco�s hand over and kissed the palm.

�� Draco
wasn�t sure what it was about that gesture which made him react so strongly,
but the next time he really drew breath, he was pressing Harry back into the
chair and kissing him so fiercely that Harry made small gagging noises. Draco
let him go, but only long enough to let Harry breathe and to move him from the
chair to the bed.

�� He tried to
be careful, because of what Portillo Lopez had said about possible damage to
Harry from Nihil, but it was difficult. And Harry didn�t seem to need
carefulness. He kicked at Draco with strong, lithe legs, and his gagging noises
changed to hisses of protest whenever Draco drew away, and his arms embraced
Draco and wouldn�t let him put more than a few inches between them.

�� He was all
muscle and warmth and existence, and
Draco had no qualms about being held so tightly when he thought that. He had
nearly lost this, as well as all the other aspects of Harry. They might have
gone down to darkness and then vanished.

�� He made
Harry come with light kisses to his cock and then a few sucking ones that were
as strong as the ones he�d used on his mouth. Harry shuddered and clung to him,
head tilted back, face full of the drowning expression that Draco knew he had worn when Harry was still
unconscious.

�� He had
agreed. He would try to restrain his impulsiveness. He understood how important
he was to Draco.

�� Draco spent
himself inside Harry�s body, rocking more to the stuttering rhythms of Harry�s
breath and the surprised cries that emerged from his mouth than to the urgency
of his own orgasm. When he pulled out, Harry rolled over, embraced him, and
sought his mouth. Draco was more than happy to kiss him, but Harry pulled away
and moved his mouth up to Draco�s ear.

�� Draco
tensed in anticipation of some delicious biting, but Harry did something
different. He began to whisper.

�� I love
you, too. I love you so much that I couldn�t think about it before I leaped
after you into the darkness, because there was
no choice. When I see you in danger, all the rational preconceptions and
ideas melt away. I need to save you, and that�s all there is to it. I love you
more than my own safety, my own life.�

�� Draco
closed his eyes. In some ways the message behind Harry�s words was disturbing,
but it did mean that he had a return in his desperately offered words, a return
and more than a return. Harry cared more about Draco than anyone else, he must,
or he would have hesitated at least a little.

�� Instead, he
leaped, and as little as he liked the risks that came along with that, Draco
could accept the tribute. He was learning to understand Harry better, he
thought, and to see the good in the most risky things that he did.

�� I love you
more than the thought of winning the war,� Harry whispered. �But I want to
because I know that the war might destroy you, and I couldn�t bear that. I want
to make the world safe for you. I love you more than the thought of keeping
myself fresh to do something other than win the war. I love you more than the
thought of keeping my blood in my veins or becoming an Auror.�

�� Draco
shivered and lay closer, and let the delicious whispering continue, and he was
recompensed over and over for the risks he himself had run, tying his heart to
someone who had once been his enemy and who might die and leave him alone.

��

*

�� SP777: They�re
learning some answers now, and eventually they will have a solution. But there�s
probably not going to be an answer for every question. Understanding Nihil�s
essential nature and how to defeat him is probably the most important thing
right now.

�� He is
irritating, isn�t he?

�� Shadow
Lily: Draco agrees, and thus this chapter.

�� Dragons Breath:
Hermione might not be being taken over; they really don�t know what�s going on
there yet.

�� Herricks
and Ventus are hard to show because neither Harry nor Draco is really
interested in what�s going on personally with them.
- 15
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- 17
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Seasons of War