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Sadness of Eros	By : LoupGarou1750 Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 7628 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: JK Rowling and her business associates own the world of Harry Potter. I make no money from this, nor anything else. The words 'The open palm of desire wants everything' are from the Paul Simon song 'Further to Fly'. He owns those.

Chapter List
- 15
- 16
- 17
16

Diagon Alley was awash with Christmas decorations. Fairy lights hung from the eaves of every building and twinkled in the trees placed in nearly every shop window. A light dusting of snow covered the ground. On the Muggle side of the Leaky Cauldron the streets had been clear. Like everything else, it made Harry think of Snape.

"I don't suppose you want ice-cream?" Harry asked, tucking Ginny's arm in his as he shoved away his painful memories.

Ginny laughed and shook her head. "I'd kill for a cuppa, though. I'm about frozen through, and I'd like to put down these packages for a bit."

It was good to see her looking relaxed and happy; it had been much too long since they'd last been able to be together without snipping and sniping at each other. Harry patted her arm. "Told you we should have had them sent."

"Don't be silly. It's the best part of Christmas, being unbelievably loaded down with things for the kids." She smiled at him. "I'm glad you decided to come with me. It's been a nice day, hasn't it? Harry?"

Harry jerked himself back to the conversation. He'd just caught a glimpse of a wizard in dark robes striding purposefully towards Knockturn Alley and for a heart-stopping moment, he'd thought it was Snape. "Sorry. What?"

"Where'd you go?" Ginny asked, half-fondly, half-exasperated.

"Nowhere. Just thought I saw someone I knew. What were you saying?"

"Nothing," Ginny said quietly. "Tea?"

They found a table in a crowded, fancy café – new since the last time Harry'd been to Diagon Alley – and sagged heavily into their chairs, piling packages up all around them. A tall wizard with short grey hair walked past and once again Harry's chest ached.

"Looks a bit like Severus," Ginny commented mildly.

Shocked, Harry started; she hadn't referred to Snape as Severus for months, much less without any venom in her voice. "Yeah. He did a bit. Wonder how the snarky git is doing?" Harry thought he'd achieved the right amount of casual interest. He looked idly around the room, as if their conversation didn't have him wanting to swallow his tongue.

"Maybe we should invite him for Christmas. Do you think he'd like that?" Ginny poured milk into her tea and blew on it.

Harry choked on his mouthful of biscuit. "You've gone 'round the twist, wife. And no, I don't think he'd like it. I don't think you'd like it much either. What happened to you thinking I had a thing for him?"

"Are you sure you really want to discuss that now?" Ginny smiled sweetly. "We're having such a lovely time."

"Oh fuck!" Harry gasped. He didn't know what to do, where to look. "Speak of the devil and up he pops." Coughing again, he surreptitiously pointed. Ginny followed his finger. Across the room, Snape had taken a table and was clearly involved in a heated discussion with his waiter.

"Shall I invite him to join us?" This time Harry caught the mischievous glitter in her eye.

"No, I don't think that's wise," Harry said in a strangled voice. "Oh shit. He's seen us."

Ginny turned to look and Harry's heart sunk; Snape's mouth twisted into an unpleasant sneer and then he stared through them as if they weren't there.

"Look, I know we just sat down, but would you mind very much if we left?" He could not sit calmly sit there with Snape just across the room. The pain of seeing him at all was unbelievably raw. "It's just..." It occurred to him he could actually tell the truth, more or less. "It's kind of hard to see him and know he doesn't want anything to do with us, with me. It's hard to lose a friend, even when it's my own fault. I feel, I don't know, horribly embarrassed and small." He gave Ginny a wistful grin.

"You never told me what happened. Not really."

Harry didn't know if it was his own guilty imagination or if Ginny was really beginning to get an edge to her tone. He rubbed his scar. "I don't really know. Not for certain." And in his darker moments, that was true. He couldn't always remember why he'd told Snape to go away. Sometimes it seemed like such a mistake. "Can we go, please?"

***

Christmas was pleasant. It had been good to have the kids home, to have something other than their own fractious relationship to focus on, but Harry and Ginny's fragile detente lasted only until they saw the kids off on the Hogwarts Express. They had barely arrived home from the station when Ginny turned to Harry and quietly asked, "Are you in love with Snape?"

Why did she have to ask him that now, when things had been going so well? What possible good could it do? Harry laughed, hoping it didn't sound as forced to her as it did to his own ears. "Ginny..."

"It's a simple enough question: do you love him?"

"How can you even ask that with a straight face?"

Ginny just looked at him.

Suddenly, shockingly, there didn't seem to be any point in denying it; he knew in the mood she was in she wouldn't have believed him if he had. "Yes. I loved him." Saying that was harder, more painful than it should have been. Loving Snape had been good thing. It didn't take away from what he felt for his wife. Especially now that it was over.

"Is that what happened? Why you're not friends any longer?" Ginny's voice was oddly calm.

Feeling hopeless, Harry nodded dumbly.

"Then I don't even know why you're still here."

"Gin, don't. I'm here because it's where I belong, where I want to be. I love you. I have always loved you. How I felt about Snape doesn't matter because when it came down to it, I chose you and the kids."

"Did you? Funny it doesn't feel like that. Did you ever really love me, or was it just the idea of me, the cute girl with the ready-made family?"

God! She sounds like she doesn't even care what the answer is! Harry didn't know what to say, what would break through the barrier, how he could make her understand. He was still looking for the words when Ginny laughed. It had the same hollow sound he'd been trying to hide.

"You just want what you want."

Yes! Exactly! "No! I. Love. You. That hasn't changed."

The cold, sad look on her face made him want to squirm.

"I knew I shouldn't have trusted the calm these last few days. I knew you couldn't be trusted!"

Harry saw red. After all he'd done! "Well for Christ's sake, Ginny, it was Christmas. No matter what you think about me right now, no matter what you feel – and I know you probably hate me at this moment – did you really expect me to ruin Christmas forever for the kids? Do you think I wanted their most memorable Christmas to be the one where their father left?"

It took several seconds for Harry to realise what he'd said. Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! This isn't what I want! I want everybody to just be fucking happy! Why can't she hear me when I tell her it's over? He rubbed his hand over his scalp in frustration and took a step towards Ginny. "I didn't mean that the way it sounded. I'm not leaving you and the kids!"

"How the fuck am I supposed to believe you? How am I supposed to trust you? I can't. You are not to be trusted!"

"Oh, Ginny. Don't be like that. We can work something out. I know we can." The hurt and anger in her eyes, in every exaggerated line of her face, was like a knife in Harry's gut. It wasn't worth that. Nothing was worth that. Not even Snape was worth that. Then he remembered a similar look in Snape's eyes and the knife twisted.

"I didn't want to hurt anyone." Harry's voice was so quiet he wasn't even sure he'd said the words out loud.

Ginny's mouth twisted. Unshed tears dampened her eyelashes. "You never do, but you never really think of anyone else. You never have. The only thing that motivates you is not getting in trouble, but you've never once accepted that you only get in trouble because you do shitty things."

"That's not true!" Harry said, stung. "I was thinking of you!"

"Oh god, Harry!" Hands clenched into fists, Ginny began to pace the room. "Really? You were thinking of me when you fucked Snape?"

"I didn't fuck him." Unable to believe his own stupidity, Harry paled.

"Spare me the details. I'm serious as fuck about that, Harry. I do not want to hear them. I can't even believe you would say that! What is wrong with you?"

"I don't know. You're just making me so fucking–" He grit his teeth, unable to find the word.

Ginny shook her head sadly. "I don't know how I could have missed it all these years. You're like a child, always chasing what's in front of you, never noticing what you have."

That is so unfair! "If I'd never noticed what I had, I wouldn't care if I lost it. But I do care about losing you. I don't want to. You and the kids are my life!" He had to make her understand. Nothing, not even killing Voldemort, had ever seemed so important. "Please, you've got to believe me."

"How? How am I supposed to believe that?"

"I didn't mean to fall in love with him!"

"You didn't mean to fall in love with him? Are you trying to say you're somehow innocent in all this? That it was an accident? Harry! If you're so innocent, how did you end up being around him long enough to fall in love? Did you accidentally sleep with him? You chose to do this. You chose to ignore the fact that you're married, that you have children and that all of us would get hurt."

"It just happened! Good lord! Do you think one day I just said, 'I think I'll fall in love with someone who's not my wife?'" Harry wasn't going to think about having had sex with Snape little more than an hour after re-encountering him, about returning the very next day. It wasn't relevant. "It just happened," he repeated. "And it didn't last. It's over."

"So none of this is your fault; you didn't mean to fall in love with him; it just happened. Have I got that right?"

"Now you're just being ironic. Of course it's my fault. I know that."

"Oh, I think you know it's true, I just don't think you believe it. I don't think there's any point in continuing this now." Ginny took off her gloves and coat and threw them over a chair.

"So because you say we're done, we're done? Just like that?" How dare she? Harry was livid.

"That's right. Just like that. Somebody's got to take responsibility for things, Harry, and you're obviously incapable of taking responsibility for anything."

"THAT'S NOT TRUE!" Ginny flinched away from him. "I'm sorry," Harry said, lowering his voice. "I shouldn't have yelled, but you really need to listen to me, and you need to do it now, not later when you'll have had the chance to blow everything out of proportion. Yes, I cheated on you, with Snape. I did that. It was horrible and wrong and selfish and it was a huge fucking mistake. Not because he won't have anything to do with me anymore, but because it just is."

"I'm tired, Harry, and really not up to this now."

"Well, you need to hear it anyway, damn it! Have you not listened to anything I've been saying? I. Chose. You. I told Snape to fuck off. I'm sorry I cheated. I can't say that enough. And I know just saying it doesn't mean anything, but it's true. It's also true that I ended it with Snape. I told him it couldn't continue. I told him that whatever it was he and I had, it wasn't worth hurting you and the kids. What happened between me and Snape just happened, but--"

"And there you go again. 'It's not my fault! It was an accident!' Just like a child. And somehow you think telling me that is supposed to make it better? Jesus Christ, Harry! How did it just happen? How does a straight married man end up in bed with another bloke? Oh fuck!" The red flush of anger suddenly drained from Ginny's face, leaving her looking wan and listless. "He wasn't the first, was he? How many, Harry? Did you love them all?"

"Let me finish before you go haring off, damn it! I fell into the thing with Snape, but I purposefully walked away from it. That has to mean something! I realised how wrong I'd been and I did what I could to take responsibility for it!" Harry had been trying his hardest to maintain an even tone. He knew he hadn't been completely successful, but now he was close to really taking the gloves off. He was appalled to realise he wanted a complete blow-out and recognising that was enough to make him take a step back.

"Are you finished now? Good. Now answer my question? How many? How long has this been going on? When did you figure out you were queer?" She spat the last word out.

Harry lost it. "WHEN? WHEN WAS I SUPPOSED TO FIGURE IT OUT? I WAS SIXTEEN WHEN WE GOT TOGETHER! SIXTEEN! I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING. I JUST WANTED TO BE FUCKING NORMAL!" Taking a deep breath to calm himself down, Harry continued, feeling more sad than angry. "Then everything had to be put on hold. And then it wasn't on hold anymore, it was over, and I could finally be normal. God, you were so pretty, and smart and strong. You loved me. You had this terrific family. You wanted kids. You were just perfect. Everything I thought I wanted."

"But I wasn't what you wanted at all." Ginny's voice hovered between anger and hurt.

"No. You just weren't everything I wanted. But I swear I didn't know that. I never meant to hurt you. I didn't want to hurt anybody." Harry chewed the sore place inside his lip. "But I did. I've hurt everyone I love. God, Ginny, I'm so very fucking sorry."

"Don't, damn you! You won't make me feel sorry for you! Did you imagine I was someone else when we had sex?"

"No! Never! And we don't have sex, Ginny. We make love. It's love. I do love you. That part was never a lie!"

"OH BALLS!" Ginny screamed. "You couldn't have done what you did if you loved me!"

"DOES NOTHING I SAY MEAN ANYTHING AT ALL?" Harry screamed right back. He felt almost exultant at the smell of blood in the air.

"No! It doesn't! And do you know why? Because you cheated on me! And with god only knows how many people! It's a wonder I didn't get some disease!"

"What the hell kind of man do you think I am? I took better care than that! You were never at risk. Never!"

Ginny gaped at him. "What kind of man do I think you are? I think you're an absolute pig!"

"This? This is what I get for telling Snape to sod off? This is what I get for putting you and the kids in front of my own happiness? And god damn it! That's not what I meant!"

"Get out, Harry. Just get the hell out!" Ginny picked up a glass and smashed it at his feet. "Get out!"

Harry was more than happy to oblige.

~*~*~*~*~
- 15
- 16
- 17
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Sadness of Eros