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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24087 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

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Lost and Damned

Keep On Waiting Underneath the Mistletoe

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“Loathe as I am to admit it, I am inclined to agree with Granger.”

Harry glared up at Snape as he stumbled back a bit after having his mind intruded. One memory Snape had seen was the memory of arguing with Hermione just yesterday about not wanting these lessons. He managed to hide it yesterday, to avoid being fussed at, but found today he wanted Snape to know how he felt about this whole thing. He already knew the man wouldn‘t agree with him, but Harry was at least determined that everyone who mattered knew how he felt about this. He was irritated that no one was listening to him, but he felt a bit of petty pleasure in knowing he wasn‘t going to listen to any of them. They could make him take these lessons all they wanted, but he was determined not to apply any of the skill into his real life, if he ever managed to do well in Occlumency.

“I am also rather disappointed to hear you have been instigating issues with Dolores Umbridge,” Snape said, giving him a harsh look. “I was tempted to let her have you, but took the liberty of telling her you were serving detention with me until I saw fit for you to stop…It could very well take the rest of the year. I did so because the headmaster wants to see you do well in this…But since you‘re so adamant that you will not take this seriously, perhaps I should hand you over to her.”

“It‘d be a lot better than wasting my time here,” Harry replied.

Snape glowered at him. “Just when I thought we were getting along, Potter.”

That stopped Harry. Getting along? It wasn’t much, but Harry felt a rush of happiness at the thought of Snape actually admitting they were getting along well…It had to mean something for Snape to say that, didn’t it? Then he started to feel badly for risking messing that up…But at the sight of Snape’s smirk, Harry’s glare returned and he clenched his fists. So the man was just screwing with him?!

“Come now, Potter,” Snape said, rolling his eyes. “You really must be more mature than this.”

“Just because I’m not doing what everyone else wants me to do, I’m immature?”

“It‘s immature to assume you know better than everyone else, including a wise man like Albus Dumbledore. Everyone raves about Granger‘s brilliance, and yet you ignore her, as well. You won‘t even listen to the man you are lusting after…Pity, I was hoping to use my charms to talk some sense into you.”

“Of course you’d use that against me!” Harry snapped, feeling more hurt than anything by Snape’s words and embarrassed as his feelings were brought into the conversation. “How very Slytherin of you, sir. I’d even go as far as to say how James of you--”

“Don’t. You. Dare.“

The two men glowered at each other and somehow Harry felt pleased. Harry hadn’t seen such rage in Snape’s eyes in what felt like far too long. He almost felt ashamed of himself for bringing such a thing up, but he was too upset himself at the moment to care.

“Potter,” Snape said, his voice strained and momentarily Harry saw some sort of struggle in his expression. He was fighting himself…Fighting back his anger the best he could. Realizing this sobered Harry up a bit and he calmed down slightly. “Potter…The Dark Lord has yet to discover your connection…I am sure that seems fine to you now, now that it’s not hurting you. Maybe you even fancy yourself useful, being able to see into his mind…But do you have any idea how dangerous it would be for him to get into your mind? I am well aware of your feelings on the matter, Potter…I know you don’t think you know anything useful, so that it shouldn’t matter…But everything matters. Every little thing the Dark Lord can learn about you will give him the upper hand. Can you imagine the sort of danger you would be putting everyone in by doing so? If not you, imagine what you know about your friends that the Dark Lord could use to his advantage! Think, Potter! Think, for one moment! Knowledge is power! The more you know about Occlumency, the better off you will be…And the more the Dark Lord knows about you and the people who matter to you, the better off he’ll be.”

Stubbornness urged Harry to argue. After the big show he’d made of things, he didn’t want to give up on his stance of things so easily. Still, he shifted on his feet and looked away, hating that Snape had a point. He hadn’t even thought of any of that…He just figured Voldemort wouldn’t get much out of him if he did notice the connection. Harry still wondered what useful things Harry knew that Voldemort could find useful, but any personal information might very well do. His tense body slumped a bit, quickly losing his anger and confidence…He ignored Snape’s smirk, resisting the urge to snap at the man again.

“Let us try that again,” Snape went on. “Legilimens!”

Unimportant memories came to mind. DA lessons…Cho kissing him under the mistletoe and his shock and confusion as he stood entirely still, then the sobbing she succumbed to shortly after. Then there was the other night, Harry telling Snape about recent DA lessons before noticing the man wasn‘t listening and he took to just staring at the man while he paid no notice…Then telling Ron he was gay and recalling his own concern about confessing who he fancied…

Snape chuckled darkly as he pulled out of Harry’s mind. “Of course…I can only imagine how Weasley would react to discovering his best friend’s deep, dark secret…It must really make you wonder what on Earth is wrong with you, to feel such desires for the man you hate.”

“I don’t hate you…anymore,” Harry replied, glaring at the man. “And I can’t be any more twisted than the man who fantasizes about fifteen year old boys.”

Something flashed angrily in Snape’s black eyes, but his lips curled up in another chilly smirk. “Touché, Potter. Fortunately for the both of us, I have thus far showed great restraint,” Snape said, his voice cool and almost teasing…The way he worded it, however, almost made it sound like a warning…Harry didn’t think he would mind so much if Snape lost control with him…Imagining Snape bending him over his desk…Harry wasn’t sure if he was being obvious with where his mind was going or not, but Snape snorted and Harry pulled himself out of his fantasy.

“Again!” Snape said.

It felt like hours that Snape was digging through his mind. After a while Harry started to fight back, but he didn‘t manage much…His mind was already so worn out by that point. Many of his fantasies were pulled back into his mind…That night with Lucius pretending to be Snape…Days when he was crushing on Cho and how he felt nothing as she kissed him a few nights ago. Ron‘s teasing over Harry being a bad kisser when he told Ron and Hermione about the fact…Snape apparently couldn‘t resist teasing him about it at the end of everything.

“Maybe you should kiss me and find out,” Harry snapped defensively, perfectly prepared to prove that he wasn’t a bad kisser and half hoping Snape would take him up on the offer…Lucius had kissed him, but it hadn’t really been Snape.

“Nice try, Potter.”

Harry shrugged, wishing his face wouldn’t flush the way he could feel it begin to. “Well, had to give it a shot.”

Snape nodded, looking amused, though there was something else in his eyes Harry couldn’t place. He was grateful when Snape moved the furniture back with a flick of his wand and he flopped down on his couch eagerly while Snape took his usual chair.

“So…You still don’t talk to your family?” Harry immediately asked. It had been a little over a week since Snape had told him about his family, and Harry had been too unsure of things to broach that subject again…But thinking about missing out on Christmas with the people he cared about, he couldn’t’ help but wonder if Snape was missing out on anything, too.

Snape was quiet for a moment and for a moment Harry wondered if he had upset the man. He rolled over onto his side to look at the man who was instead staring thoughtfully into the fire. “Not my parents, since I was seventeen. I have kept some contact, however, with my sister.”

“Are they still alive, your parents?” Harry asked curiously.

“I’m not sure, really. Phaedra is smart enough not to mention them,” Snape replied.

Harry nodded his head. It seemed so strange to him for someone to not even know or care if their parents were dead or alive. Snape had said, though, that his father had tried making it up to him once, but he had never forgiven either of his parents. Harry was tempted to encourage him to talk to them, but figured that might be going too far. “What‘s she like? Your sister?”

“Nothing like me…Not only would I agree with my Father’s original assumptions that my mother had an affair, but I would go as far as to claim she was adopted,” Snape said, sounding amused as he said this. “She’s a Squib, but she doesn’t seem to mind much. She’s such a romantic…She likes to enjoy her own fantasy worlds and loves hearing about the Wizarding world…She acts like it’s more of a story than real life, though. She’s very kind…Almost to a fault. She puts up with keeping correspondence with me, so she is obviously a saint.” Snape and Harry shared a laugh at that one.

“Do you ever see her?” Harry asked.

“Now and then. She likes near my parents…She actually enjoys their presence, for some reason. I live in our old home during summer, though, and every other year or so she‘ll pay a short visit.”

“That must be nice,” Harry said quietly, trying to imagine a younger, female version of Snape showing up at his house and smiling and wearing a pink dress and discussing the weather and the cookies she baked while Snape scowled at her. Harry bit back a laugh at the mental image. “You don‘t have anyone to see for Christmas?”

“No…Nor do I care to. I do not put much stock in the holiday.”

“Oh,” Harry said simply, frowning a bit. Thinking about Christmas made him sad…He could only imagine what his friends were all up to right now at Grimmauld Place. He longed to be with them, whether they were enjoying themselves or doing chores as they had all summer. He belonged with them…As much as he enjoyed Snape’s presence, he still wanted to be with the people who cared about him.

“You must have a lot of…enjoyment for this time of year, however.”

“Yeah,” Harry said with a sad smile. “I never used to…Birthdays and Christmas and that sort of thing never mattered. I didn’t have anyone who cared. I lived with my own flesh and blood for eleven years, but I didn’t really feel like I had a family until I came here and met Ron and Hermione. I know it must sound like sentimental junk to you, but…I never really had anyone who cared about me and it’s nice…You know. Even if I do worry they’re going to get themselves killed by being my friends, I am very glad to have them in my life…I love them and…I think that’s a very important thing…To me, anyway.”

Harry half expected Snape to start making fun of him at any moment now, but there was silence for a moment. Harry laid there, his heart aching as he thought about the place he would much rather be while anxiously awaiting a response he was starting to suspect might never come.

“I…don’t think it’s junk…” Snape finally said.

Harry smiled, half wanting to tease the man about what he had said…But Harry didn‘t quite know what to say and didn‘t want to ruin the moment. “It‘s not even the presents…I couldn‘t care less about them…I just…I wish I could spend that time with people I care about and who care about me…That‘s the only thing that‘s supposed to matter, isn‘t it?”

“If you’re being honest, Potter, you must be one in a million,” Snape snorted. “I’m sure most people enjoy their families, but most people only view such events as a reason to get more things.”

“I might very well be one of those people, too, if I didn’t know what it was like to miss out on something as special as family and friends,” Harry said thoughtfully. He never imagined what he would be like if his parents had survived or if he had grown up with anyone other than the Dursley’s…If he did, he didn’t think he would be much different, though realistically he figured he probably would be.”

“People have a tendency to take such things for granted,” Snape agreed quietly.

Silence followed for a few moments while Harry gathered his thoughts. “What was Christmas like when you were younger?”

“No different than yours, I imagine,” Snape said. “My classmates enjoyed rubbing their happiness and gifts in my face. My family was much too poor for gift exchanges.”

“You could have celebrated without gifts…Or…Mrs. Weasley likes to make her gifts…She always makes everyone sweaters…And it wouldn’t have to be an expensive gift to be special,” Harry said. “The Weasley’s don’t have much money, but they’re always in good spirits and always manage to give something to everyone.”

“They’re a rare breed…My father didn’t like the idea of wasting what money we did have…I don’t think Christmas was all too important to them to celebrate without presents,” Snape replied with a shrug.

“That’s kind of sad,” Harry said.

“If you even suggest trying to make me celebrate such a ridiculous holiday I will hang you with the mistletoe.”

“Aww, you do want to kiss me,” Harry teased, almost immediately regretting the words. He cleared his throat at Snape’s glare and went on. “Don’t worry…I’m not stupid enough to suggest it…Though it would be nice.”

Snape glowered even more and Harry just laughed and reluctantly sat up. “Well if you’re going to be a Scrooge, I’m going to go back to the dorms. I can at least make the common room festive.”

“Enjoy,” Snape said with a snort. Harry just chuckled as he walked out, feeling strangely empty as he walked away from Snape’s quarters. It was sad to think of anyone spending Christmas alone and was half tempted to call on Dobby and get him to leave something in Snape’s rooms for him…While the gesture seemed kind enough to Harry, he knew it would be unwelcome, and figured the best Christmas gift he could give the man would be to leave him alone for the day…Even if he didn’t necessarily want to.

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Waking up on Christmas, Harry felt lonely. He was the only boy in his dorms and having awoke from a dream where he was surrounded by the Weasleys and Hermione and Sirius was very disappointing indeed. He sat up and looked around at his presents, almost not wanting to open them…Still, he pulled them into his lap and began unwrapping them. Dobby had given him a picture the house elf had made himself…Harry spent a good few minutes trying to figure out what it was supposed to be until he flipped it on the back and it proclaimed it was supposed to be a portrait of Harry. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley had sent the usual hand-knitted jumper with some mince pies…Ron had sent a giant box of Every Flavored Beans and Hagrid had sent a furry brown wallet with fangs, which he figured was supposed to act as an antitheft device, though Harry was too worried about losing fingers to use it. Tonks had sent a small, working model of a firebolt that flew around the room. Sirius and Lupin had given him a set of wonderful books that would be useful for the DA, Practical Defensive Magic and It’s Use Against the Dark Arts…Harry flipped through it eagerly, jumping as a folded note flew at him as he flipped to one particular page.

Carefully he set the book down and carefully unfolded the note. Something hard fell onto his chest, but he didn‘t spare it a glance as he eagerly read over the parchment.

Harry,

I’m really sorry you couldn’t be with us for Christmas. I would have really loved to see you. Dumbledore‘s right, though. You really need to focus on your lessons and do well. Preparing you is the most important thing to anyone right now.

Just make sure you‘re working hard! I don’t want to have missed out on time spent with my favorite godson for nothing! I can‘t imagine Christmas spent with Snape is anything to brag about. If he gives you a hard time, though, let me know. I won‘t have him treating you like dirt. If you ever need me, just use this.

--Sirius

Furrowing his eyebrows, Harry glanced down at the book, wondering how that would help him contact Sirius…He sat up and the thing that had fallen onto his chest now fell onto the book. It was a broken piece of mirror, it looked like. Harry wasn’t sure how to work it or anything…He wished he could tell Sirius Merry Christmas, but he set the mirror piece aside. No need to make Sirius worry or anything. He probably expected Harry to use it in case of emergencies…Besides, any contact with Sirius with Umbridge going around couldn’t be good at all.

Finally Harry grabbed his last present, one from Hermione. It was a notebook planner that talked too much when you opened it, nagging him about homework and projects he hadn’t even written into it yet. Harry hastily closed it as it began harping on him and instead focused on the note taped to it’s cover. He pulled it off and unfolded the letter from Hermione.

Dear Harry,

Happy Christmas! I hope lessons are going well! I hope you like the planner--I think it’ll really be useful for you and Ron to use. We do have OWLs coming up, you know.

Anyway, I‘m so excited to tell you. And we wanted you to be the first to know…Ron and I are together! He broke up with Susan for me apparently…Says he‘s fancied me over a year now! I‘m so incredibly happy, Harry! This is by far the best Christmas I can remember having, and it‘s only just started. I hope you get up early and read this…We want you to be the first to know, but I‘m not sure how long either of us can keep it a secret.

Things couldn’t be better right now! I hope things are going well for you. Write back soon, we miss you!

Love,

Hermione

“Way to go, Ron,” Harry whispered, grinning and rereading the letter. He had had his concerns about two friends getting together, but with how painfully obvious it was the two cared about each other and the lengths Hermione had gone to to deal with the pain of caring for him, Harry was glad to learn that they were finally together and so happy.

And yet he felt a wave of jealousy rush over him as he set the letter aside and piled up all of his gifts. It wasn’t for the time his friends got to spend with one another, though…Rather it was the desire to have someone…Not just anyone, Harry thought to himself miserably. He laid back in bed and let his imagination wander.

What would it be like, if he could send Hermione a similar letter. He finally asked me out! Snape-- No, Harry thought, shaking his head-- Severus asked me out! Harry grinned and shook his head, wanting to roll his eyes at himself. Snape asking someone out…Calling Snape his boyfriend. How weird would that be? We’re together…Severus and I are finally together he mentally corrected himself. There…That was much better, wasn’t it?

“Congratulations, mate!” he imagined Ron saying.

“Oh, Harry, that’s so wonderful!” he imagined Hermione saying gleefully, giving him a big hug.

They weren’t very realistic dreams, but Harry figured he wouldn’t like any of his more realistic thoughts on how his friends might react…Especially Ron.

He imagined decorating Snape’s private quarters while Snape sat back with a glass of brandy and watched on in amusement. He’d hang tinsel and mistletoe and put up a tree and a wreath and everything. Snape would move his chair close to the fire and they would sit there together, Harry resting comfortably in Snape‘s lap, cuddled close to the man while strong arms wrapped around him. Thin lips would press into his hair and Harry would smile. Snape would allow him one glass of wine to celebrate with and would promise to stay just as sober, so they could enjoy each other. They‘d kiss a bit, slow and soft touches of the lips…But never more than that. They‘d stay awake for hours talking or just enjoying one another’s company before falling asleep together on the couch…

It was the first nonsexual dream (daydream or otherwise) Harry had had about the man and he found as he snapped out of it that he was smiling to himself. Like his pictures of Ron and Hermione, though, the image wasn‘t very realistic. It was just a crush, though…That was normal. It would go away eventually and maybe Harry could find a guy closer to his own age…Or maybe a girl. Harry had yet to make up his mind about them.

Even knowing the hopelessness of the situation, Harry couldn’t stop himself.

“Dobby!”

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Christmas was just another day to Severus Snape…He spent a great portion of the day grading papers and at last, after dinner, settled in on his couch with a glass of wine and a good book. He smiled to himself as he flipped it open to the first page, recalling a day many years ago when he and Phaedra had argued over the book. Severus enjoyed it immensely, but to Phaedra it wasn’t near happy enough. Not much could be said for her taste, though. Severus snorted and let his eyes trail across the words. He had told Potter he could have the day off of training, if he wanted, and didn’t expect to see the brat tonight.

How wrong he had been.

Severus raised his eyes when he felt the entrance to his chambers being created and opened. Potter walked in wearing an awful Weasley-made jumper and worn jeans with many holes. His black hair was in a wilder disarray than ever (if that was even possible) and was covered in a good bit of gold and silver glitter and a few strings of red tinsel and a bit of white powder he could only assume was snow. The boy was flushed and grinning. “Having a happy Christmas?”

“I was,” Severus said, sighing and setting his book aside. “You’ve heard of knocking, haven’t you?”

“Heard of it? Yes…Plenty of times. Best childhood stories, those,” Potter replied with a cheeky grin.

“Brat.”

Potter just grinned more and Severus had to refrain from smiling in return. “I thought I gave you the day off, Potter,” he went on.

“You said I could if I wanted to. But I don’t want to…What better way to spend Christmas than to have my mind attacked repeatedly for hours on end?”

“Many better ways, I assure you.”

“Maybe I just missed you.”

The boy was grinning teasingly but Severus stiffened and gave the boy an odd look. He wasn’t being horribly blunt, but he was being a bit more forward than usual. “Maybe I have been too hard on you in Occlumency. Your brain is obviously malfunctioning.”

Potter just shrugged. “Here I thought you thought I had no brain at all,” he said with a smile and walked over to plop down on the couch beside him. Severus stiffened further, unease filling him as he glanced to his side where Potter sat, blissfully unaware of any awkwardness. Severus started to glare at him when suddenly a loud pop was heard in the room. Severus and Potter jumped and turned to see Dobby the house elf appear. “Professor Snape, sirs--! Ooh! Professor Snape and Harry Potter is sitting under the mistletoe!”

Misteltoe?

Both men immediately leaned their heads back, staring up at the offending plant hanging over them.

“You must kiss now, sirs!”

“Okay!” Potter agreed a bit too quickly.

“Absolutely not!”

“It is the rule!” Dobby exclaimed, smiling. “Harry Potter is wanting to kiss Professor Snape!”

“Harry Potter is a lunatic!”

“Erm…You should go now, Dobby…” Potter said, looking a bit worried now.

Dobby left and Severus turned to glare at Potter, feeling anger slowly boiling up inside of him. Was this some game to this foolish child? Was he aiming to humiliate him? Get him fired? Or just toy with him? Even if he did want this, trickery was no means of doing so. Part of him wondered if maybe he was getting a bit too angry over this, but he told himself it was justifiable. The boy just didn’t understand boundaries or anything of that nature. He thought he could have everything he wanted because he was Harry Potter, and it was not about to work on him!

“You did this?” he growled.

“Thought it was worth a try,” Potter said with a shrug, his voice and gesture giving off none of the nonchalance he probably wanted. Severus watched the boy stand up, biting his tongue to keep from cursing the child when Potter suddenly swooped down and gave him a peck on the lips before turning and running out of the room.

“ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!”

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Author‘s Note: Hehehe bad Harry. I would love some reviews please and thank you! Chapter title lyrics from “All I Want For Christmas Is You” by Mariah Carey.
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Lost and Damned