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Survivor's Guilt	By : SpeedyTomato Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Lucius Views: 34080 -:- Recommendations : 3 -:- Currently Reading : 4
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter nor do I make any money of this dark dance of Harry Potter fanfic.

Chapter List
- 15
- 16
- 17
Chapter 16

Beta'd by the amazing Tenchi. Thanks, Tenchi, you're the best!

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Curled up in a chair on the balcony of his bedroom, Harry was absently munching on some snacks Kreacher had brought him while staring out at the darkened park across the road. With some of the wards that were up around the house, he wasn't bothered by the flats on either side of him, or the noise that was ever present when it came to those that lived there. Currently, there was a nice breeze that was lightly ruffling his hair, making the heat outside bearable, so he was quite comfortable.

Right now, well, he was out of it, that he knew. It was like he was dealing with the world through several feet of a cotton cocoon, something that seemed to mute everything around him. That was an effect of the potions he knew. Another effect was that, well, honestly, he wasn't feeling much of anything. He wasn't happy, sad, depressed, nothing. He felt empty, lethargic, disconnected from everything and everyone around him. Quite frankly, he liked that feeling and would be happy if it stayed around until the day he died. Though some of what he had been dealing with was still there, it didn't bother him the way it had been up until that point. He could easily shove it aside and move on. Nor were there the nightmares that had been plaguing him for so long. Dreams of what happened in the past were there, but they didn't have the impact they used to. It was something he could ignore. Most times, he was so out of it from the potions that if he did dream, he didn't remember it. That was another thing that could stick around forever as far as he was concerned.

Somewhere deep inside, he knew that accepting the side effects of the potions and wanting them to continue wasn't healthy, it was probably just as much of a danger sign as everything else he had dealt with for so long, but he really couldn't be arsed to care at this point. All he knew was that there was a peace that hadn't ever been there and he liked it. Realistically, he knew it wouldn't last. As his body adjusted to the potions, those side effects would wane and he would once more be dealing with everything that had brought him to this place. It was his hope that it wouldn't be for a while yet. Just for a short time he wanted a break from all that had been haunting him for so many years.

Munching on a chunk of melon from the plate in front of him, Harry scrubbed his eyes with his free hand. He was already pondering going back to bed. Like it was all the time since starting to take the potions a couple days ago, he just wanted to sleep. And if he did lie down, he would be able to. That was nice, frankly, after not being able to for so long. However, he had more potions to take so he was eating before Kreacher brought them to him. Then he would sleep once more. That was fine and he really didn't care at this point. As far as he was concerned, he could sleep forever and wouldn't care if he never woke again.

Vaguely, he recalled Arthur visiting the day before and Lucius saying something about Andromeda coming in a couple days, but that part was fuzzy. Everything was, frankly. He knew he had more visitors since this mess started than he had in months, but was vague on the details as to when they came. He was sure he could remember who they were, but things seemed to meld together and he couldn't be certain he didn't just dream it. That was fine, he really didn't care for the most part.

As he was starting to chew a strawberry, he heard a noise behind him. Turning to look, he saw Lucius make his way towards the balcony. That was fine. He knew by now that Lucius was staying here with him, something he had agreed to since Netherwood didn't want him to stay alone. Like with almost everything else, he really didn't care at this point. From what he could remember of interactions with Lucius, the man didn't seem to mind so he wasn't going to worry about it.

Stepping onto the balcony, Lucius pulled a chair over and seated himself by Harry. Unlike the ones that had been visiting, he had no issue with how to talk to the young man. From what Dr. Netherwood said, going for what was normal was the best so that's what he was going to do. Dudley was doing the same. Right now, well, Harry was out of it and wouldn't take issue with anything, but it would keep the continuity of their relationship.

Reaching out and taking a couple grapes off the young man's plate, he said, “Dudley rang. He said to tell you that he won't be around tonight. Your aunt and uncle are visiting him, being insistent that he talk. It was his wish that I impart that to you because he said you would understand it.”

“I do,” Harry told him with a nod, leaning back in his chair, sighing softly.

“Tomorrow I have to go deal with some paperwork at my flat. Draco needs to be there as well. It was my hope that you wouldn't mind coming along. As I know you'll probably sleep through most of the visit, something I take no issue with, I didn't think you'd mind. It's up to you, though,” Lucius explained.

“That's fine, whatever you want,” Harry told him with a shrug. He would sleep through it more than likely. And Draco? Right now, he didn't give a shite one way or another. He didn't care about much of anything so that didn't matter either.

“Alright, I'll catch you between doses tomorrow and we'll go over to my place,” Lucius nodded, pleased. Stopping, he looked down then said, “I do need to talk to you about Kreacher.” Seeing Harry glance at him, he said, “I'm sure you understand he's old. House elves that belong to the older families have a tradition of finding their replacements and training them before they pass on. If they aren't able to do that, it causes them a great deal of stress. Kreacher is at that stage. I took it upon myself to talk to him about the topic and he said it's time for him to start training his replacement. As he's so loyal to you, he would keep pressing on to serve even if he were suffering and ready to move on. I offered to allow him to pick out a young one from one of the Malfoy elves, something he agreed to. However, it's your choice, Harry.”

Nodding slowly, though thinking that was just another strange thing about house elves he didn't know, Harry said, “That's fine. Let him.” Besides, he didn't want to make Kreacher suffer because of his ignorance. It wasn't like he cared if he had another house elf, honestly, but if this was a tradition that was causing Kreacher problems, he would go with it.

Pleased with that, Lucius nodded. He knew that as drugged as Harry was, discussing big, important topics wasn't a good idea. This was one, though, that could easily be handled and he didn't think the younger man would take issue with it when he finally leveled out from the drugs. “He'll be able to find a suitable one as we have plenty. It'll make his life easier as well.” Stopping, he decided to change topics. “Dudley wants to do another Dr. Who marathon this coming Friday. Though you'll probably sleep through most of it, I think it's a good idea. We'll get out and have some fun. Is that alright with you?”

“That's fine,” Harry replied, curling up in his chair. He was full and just wanted to sip at his tea, nothing more right now. Anything else, well, in all honesty, he didn’t care.

Looking at Harry, Lucius gave an internal sigh. Though he understood the reasoning behind the personality shift, that didn't mean it wasn't slightly disturbing to him. The Harry he knew was feistier than this, even when he was at his worst, and didn't readily agree. It was the potions he reminded himself. However, this was for the best. It would give them continuity in what their life was like, something that would be needed as Harry grew accustomed to the side-effects and pressed on to work with the real issues that were there.

Glancing over at Lucius, part of Harry, a small part, wanted to tell him he didn't need to be here right now, that he could go home and resume his life. After all, he knew he was just a babysitter, nothing more. He didn't have the energy for that, though, nor the argument that was sure to come over such a statement. Instead, he just leaned his head back and shut his eyes, holding his beaker tightly so he didn't drop it.

“Dr. Netherwood is going to come over this week after he has his normal appointment with me. We thought that might work well for all of us,” Lucius pushed on, making small talk. Seeing the young man nod, though not looking like he would say anything on the topic, he then told him, “He's—well, easy to talk to. Even I admit that though I'm less than thrilled to have to attend those sessions. I think you'll find him to be the same way.” A glance at Harry told him that he probably wasn't listening so he dropped the topic and moved onto another, hoping that he could get him to say more than a couple words, though he knew why he seemed so closed off. “Is there anything you'd like to do this week, Harry? I assume you don't want to go out and do something major, not with how tired you are, but is there something small you would like?”

“I think I'll just want to sleep,” Harry told him without opening his eyes. “I don't really have the energy for anything other than that.”

“Understood,” Lucius nodded. Of course, that made sense and he expected it. However, he was going to rope Dudley into some card games or whatnot when he was around. It would at least give Harry something to do. Not sure what else to say, looking at his friend, Lucius was trying to think of something else to talk about when Kreacher popped in with the potions. Taking them from the house elf, he handed them over to Harry to take. This, of course, would effectively end any attempt at conversation since Harry would be sleeping shortly.

Sitting at her kitchen table with Hermione and Fleur, Molly was feeling sick as they poured through reams of documents listing deaths in the last ten years. They were looking for suicides and recording them so they had a list to work with when they started to push for something to help with the situation they were seeing. So far, the list was a long one, far too long for her comfort.

Glancing at Hermione, she sighed. Her poor daughter-in-law wasn't doing much better with this. Though determined to help, some of the names she came across had reduced her to tears more than once. After all, most of the names they were seeing were people she had either gone to school with or knew. It was hitting her hard to see the list as it grew. Though she knew many of these people by name only, Hermione and Ron knew them better, making it more difficult.

Tossing aside the folder with the list from the previous year, Molly added the ones she recorded to the master list they had then picked it up to read it. Heart sinking at all the names, she shook her head, feeling her eyes burn once more. Sitting it down on the table, she rubbed her eyes and sighed.

“This is horrible,” Hermione sighed, closing the folder she was working with and tossing it onto the pile. Adding her list of names to the master list, she leaned back, pale and shaking. “There are so many!”

“I know,” Molly told her, tone a touch gloomy. “I knew there were a lot, more than people would admit to, but I didn't realize there were this many!”

Shaking her head, rubbing her eyes, Hermione said, “I didn't even know some of them were gone! I mean, they just seemed to vanish and I assumed they moved. We never even heard they died. That was something we would have noticed.”

“I don't think some of them were even given obituaries in the paper because they were suicides,” Molly sighed, shaking her head. “Sometimes they will do that if they don't come from a well known family. That's wrong, of course, but it's the way it's always been.”

“Dis is very bad,” Fleur said as she added the names she found to the list. “So many dead and no one noticed!”

Feeling her heart clench painfully at the realization of so many that had suffered because of a madman, Molly said, “I don't even know what we can do with this. Arthur seems to have some kind of idea and is going to talk to some people. With how suicide is seen, I'm not sure no matter who we get to back it that it could make a difference.”

Looking over the master list, Hermione felt her eyes mist over again when she saw the name Dean Thomas. Shaking her head, she said, tone quivering, “I knew so many of these! They weren't weak or worthless! They—they fought as hard as anyone else in that battle. It makes me angry to think so many see it that way just because they couldn't handle the repercussion of what happened! Nor would so many of them have known where to get help if they had wanted it.” Stopping, she swiped angrily at a wayward tear that ran down her cheek.

Reaching over, Molly put her hand on Hermione's and gave it a squeeze, giving her a sad smile. “I know,” she told the younger woman gently. “Which is why I agree with Arthur in that we need to start doing something to make people notice. What that is, though, I don't know.”

Shaking her head, Hermione sighed then she asked, tone distracted as an idea hit her, “Has Minerva been contacted about this? She's one that many would listen to when they might not anyone else.” The formidable Headmistress of Hogwarts garnered enough respect that if they could get her involved it might help.

“No, I don't think either Arthur or I thought to try to get hold of her. After all, she's so busy all the time. You're right though, that would help,” Molly nodded, looking determined. “Let me see what I can do tomorrow to get with her. I can lay out part of the problem, though keep Harry's name out of it, and see what she thinks. She might even know a way we don't to push this.”

“She might! I mean, give her the list. She knows all of these people I bet. That might give her a push. You know what she's like when she believes in something,” Hermione told her.

“I will,” Molly told her firmly. “I'll let Arthur know and go from there. Then, maybe, we need to get a bunch of us together to see what we can come up with to get something, somewhere into place to help people who are in this situation.”

“Good! We need it,” Hermione agreed. Looking at her mother-in-law, she asked, gently, “Have you gone to see Harry yet?” Right now, Harry was a touchy topic with Molly. Most times, the older woman, when his name was mentioned, would burst into tears. She didn't want that to happen, but was curious.

Looking down at the table, Molly shook her head, tears filling her eyes. “Not yet, no. Arthur—he saw him yesterday and said that it's best to wait a few days so that I'm slightly under more control. Harry, he doesn't think, will notice, but he said it's not pleasant to see and that he doesn't think I'll handle it well. This time, well, I’m going to take his word for that and wait a couple days.”

Sighing, Hermione nodded then said, “It's rough right now. He's not Harry. Yes, waiting might be a good idea. With as drugged as he is, I’m not even sure if he'll remember who came and when.”

Shaking her head, Molly, let out a shuddering sigh but said nothing. After a couple minutes, she got up to fix them some more tea as something to do to ensure that she kept herself under control.

Watching her mother-in-law leave, Hermione slumped slightly. This was so hard and she didn't know what to do! They would find a way, of course, but until then it was going to be rough!

Sitting beside Harry's bed, Lucius was dozing off and on. It wasn't that he needed to keep an eye on Harry in case he did something foolish, no, that wasn't it. Harry was so out of it that it was doubtful he would even think about it, let alone be able to attempt it. No, this was more for his peace of mind than anything else. It made him feel better, for some reason, if he sat here until he, himself, was so tired he was falling asleep. Only then would he take himself to bed.

Chin dropping to his chest, as he slipped into a heaver doze, Lucius was startled awake by the sound of someone clearing their throat. Quickly, he grabbed his wand, clutching it tightly, as he looked up, an old habit. Sighing when he saw Dudley standing there, he rubbed a hand over his face then shook his head.

“Sorry, mate, didn't mean to scare you. I didn't realize you were asleep,” Dudley said quietly, walking over and seating himself on the edge of the bed.

Waving a dismissive hand, Lucius said, “Nothing to be sorry for. I think I'm more tired than I realized and was slipping off.” Sitting up straighter, he asked, “I thought you were spending time with family tonight?”

Making a sour face, Dudley shook his head. “I was. Let's say there was a big blow up. Dad decided to make some comments about Harry, nothing new there as he's always done that. I just hit the roof then kicked both him and mum out. I'll call tomorrow to apologize, but with all that's going on, I couldn't take it tonight and the blow up happened.”

“It's a stressful time,” Lucius soothed quietly.

“Yeah, it is. I guess I'm feeling more than slightly protective of Harry right now. That just—well, it set it off. Normally I ignore it and make them change the subject, especially since it's gone on forever.” Stopping, he shook his head, “Worst part? I don't feel the least bit sorry for blowing on them.”

Leaning forward, Lucius rested his elbows on his knees and looked at Dudley then nodded. “It was probably coming for some time then.” Stopping, he thought it over then asked, softly, “Did you tell them the situation? I know their relationship with Harry isn't close, but they are family.”

Giving a firm shake of his head, Dudley told him, “No, I haven't and I won't. It's not their business. Harry is a sore spot for mum. She's tried to make amends, but old habits die hard. Dad? I honestly don't know what's going on there, I really don't. Some part of him, I’m sure, wants to try to fix things before he dies. He's just so set in his ways and uncomfortable admitting that he was wrong that when he does try, it just ends up right back where it always was. Then Harry gets pissed and walks. I don't blame him, really, 'cause I would too. Just, right now—no, can't do it.”

“Then don't,” Lucius counseled softly. “I don't mean cut them out of your life, of course. Just ensure that it's not a topic that will be tolerated for discussion. That might be for the best, for all of you.”

“It might,” Dudley nodded. “At least until they can pull their damned heads out of their arses!” He huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. Shaking his head, he said, softly, “Sorry to dump this on you, mate. You don't need it.”

“Nothing to be sorry for,” Lucius told him firmly. “I've had a tad more experience in this area when it comes to such matters. Besides, with all that's happened, I believe we both probably need someone to talk to and are more short tempered than normal.”

“There is that, yeah,” Dudley nodded. Shrugging, he said, “I couldn't stand to stay home alone tonight after that shite so I decided to come over here. I know he's fine and all—I just feel better being here, you know?”

“I completely understand,” Lucius said honestly. “Even if I hadn't volunteered to stay with him, I think I would be spending a great deal of my time here myself. More for my peace of mind than anything else.”

Looking at his sleeping cousin, Dudley then scrubbed a hand over his face and stared at the floor, shaking his head. There was so much emotion right now that he wasn't sure how to express it or deal with the aftermath. After a few moments, he asked, “Did you talk to him about coming over on Friday?”

“He agreed,” Lucius nodded though not adding that he thought Harry would agree to almost anything right now.

“Alright, good! I'll start making arrangements then. We'll go from there.” Sighing, he looked at Lucius, “Don't know about you, mate, but this is—I don't know what else to do here. Part of me wants to do something to fix it, but I don't know how!”

“From my understanding, there is nothing that can fix it,” Lucius told him softly. “It's just going to take time. And, yes, I feel the same way. I think that is part of my motivation for sitting here though I know Harry is soundly sleeping and won't wake then do something foolish once more. It is, perhaps, my way of trying to help. At least he'll realize that someone is here and he's not alone. Though, as out of it as he is, it's doubtful he will notice anything or care.”

Lifting his head, Dudley looked at Harry for a few minutes, quiet, then asked Lucius, making sure to keep his voice soft, “Let me ask you this; do you think it's wrong that I’m pissed as hell and want to slug every Weasley out there for being all emotional over this, not to mention the guilt they are showing? Cause, seriously, I'm sick of that already and I've not seen them much. I get that they have lives, alright? I do! They have kids, jobs and everything else. Shite, it's not an excuse! They profess he's family, but couldn't be arsed to come around.” Stopping, Dudley took a few deep breaths then shook his head. “Maybe it's just me wanting to blame someone for this, I don't know. It's just pissing me off is all.”

Sighing, Lucius looked at Dudley then shrugged. “I don't know. I think it is. Dr, Netherwood had discussed something called transference with me on some topics. That may well be what this is. In stressful situations, we all look for someone to blame for the events. Well, beyond the obvious. That may be what is going on.” Stopping, he lowered his voice then added, “However, I will admit to having the same impulses myself. Again, I'm not sure if this is the whole issue or it is something from further back.”

Chuckling a little, shaking his head, Dudley told him, “Well, feeling a bit better that I'm not the only one feeling that! Just gotta keep it under control, I guess. If I know all of them as well as I think I do, I’m sure that they feel right rotten as it is. They know they haven't been around and missed everything.” Snorting, he grinned, then added, “That's gotta be worse to deal with then me blowing up on them. I suppose it rather evens it out, doesn't it?”

Smirking, Lucius replied smoothly, “It rather does, yes.”

Shaking his head, still grinning, Dudley told Lucius, “Alright, enough of that. Why don't you get some sleep? I'll sit here for a while before going to bed.”

Still smirking, Lucius nodded then stood, “I believe I'll take you up on that. If you need anything, come get me.”

“Will do,” Dudley told him. “'Night, Lucius.”

“Good night, Dudley,” Lucius said. Walking by the bed, he stopped then said, quietly, “ Good night, Harry,” before exiting to find his bed.

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Survivor's Guilt