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To Be Alive	By : Snapeoutofit Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Snape/Hermione Views: 10431 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 5
Disclaimer: All characters and settings are the creation of JK Rowling. I own nothing of Harry Potter and make no money from this story.

Chapter List
- 1-One
- 2-Two
- 3-Three
- 4-Four
- 5-Five
- 6-Six
- 7-Seven
- 8-Eight
- 9-Nine
- 10-Ten
- 11-Eleven
- 12-Twelve
- 13-Thirteen
- 14-Fourteen
- 15-Fifteen
- 16-Sixteen
- 17-Seventeen
- 18-Eighteen
- 15
- 16
- 17
Snape let the door slam shut behind him. He paced back and forth several times before wandlessly and angrily turning his lab on its head. With a sudden flourish each item in the lab was disrupted at once. He didn’t let anything break, but every piece of equipment and ingredient, every bottle and vial, flew through the room and out of its orderly place. The heavy cauldron was upturned in the center of the room, knives and stirring sticks clattered as they were strewn about, and every single ingredient store relocated to the improper place. He continued pacing through the mess.
He could not believe that he let himself be so foolish and emotional. The day had been wonderful, damn near incredible, and he let himself ruin it. He raked his hands through his hair before kicking the cauldron in the center of the room.
Briefly he thought of her standing in his sitting room, her hair wild and her face angry. Somehow he knew that she wouldn’t have followed him downstairs, and he wasn’t sure if he wished she had or was glad she hadn’t. He was certain that she had turned on her heel and left without looking back. He slammed his fist down hard on the lab bench, relishing in the throb of pain that rushed through his limb as he tried to shake it back to life.
After pacing for what seemed like an eternity, Snape forced himself to sit on a stool. His right leg bounced up and down anxiously and he willed himself to calm down. He felt like a bloody fool. He looked around and saw a vial of Hermione’s dream potion sitting askew on the counter. He went over, popped the cap, and took a swig. He looked down at the empty bottle and sighed inwardly as he took several deep, calming breaths. Gathering his anger, he looked around at the mess he had created before beginning to methodically tidy up the space. Of course he could have set it back to right with a simple spell, but instead chose to meticulously reorganize the room by hand. As he did so he slowly felt his anger, frustration, and every unwanted emotion slowly retreating. He reflected as he worked. He felt incredibly stupid. She was the best thing that had ever happened in his life. He needed her. And he was ruining it.
Several hours later, when he finished his chore, he finally felt placated. He had put each and every relocated item back to its original location. Exhausted, he switched off the light and made his way up the stairs. He still couldn’t believe he had been so stupid, but he was feeling calm compared to earlier.
He shut the door at the top of the stairs and saw that the side lamp was left on beside the chair in the sitting room. As he entered the room to turn it off he froze seeing Hermione sitting in the brown wing back chair, using the light to read by. She had one leg tucked beneath her and his potions textbook in her lap. A hot cup of tea sat on the table beside her. Her hair fell loosely around her face and she was wearing his reading glasses. He also noted that she had changed from her dinner clothes. Now she looked comfortable in his t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. He drank in the sight of her, realizing that he preferred her in this light. She looked incredible when dressed to go out, but she was absolutely stunning when comfortably relaxing in his chair.
She looked up at him with tired eyes. She removed the reading glasses and placed them on the open book in her lap before taking a sip of her hot tea. She didn’t take her eyes off of him or speak.
“Hermione,” his voice came out in a desperate whisper. He looked away to glance up at the clock above the fireplace, “it’s nearly midnight...I assumed you had gone home.” Severus walked toward her, faltering slightly as he neared her. “You’ve been just sitting here all this time?”
“Reading,” her eyes soften as she gestured toward the book in her lap. “And I took a shower. And made tea.”
“I’m sorry Hermione, I didn’t realize...”
A small smile made its way across her lips. “I figured as much. After I heard you destroy the lab like that I assumed it would be a while before you came back up...Do you want some tea? The kettle’s still hot.”
Snape let out an exasperated chuckle and a smirk crept across his face. “Why are you still here?” His voice was quiet and curious.
“Where else would I go?” She questioned him as if nothing were wrong. She stood and gestured for him to sit in the chair. When he did the pair eyed one another, unsure of who should speak first.
Severus looked her up and down before reaching out to touch her. He let his right hand brush against her arm as he wrapped his other arm around her hip. He pulled her closer and she easily gave into the touch. She moved towards him and stood straddling his left leg. She raked her hands through his hair and he let out a deep sigh.
“Severus,” her whispered plea felt like a slap to the face. “I didn’t want you to leave. If anything I hoped you’d stay and say more.”
“What more is there to say?” He asked.
Hermione sighed deeply and let her forehead rest against his forehead. “Severus,” she said again, not bothering to look into his eyes, “Severus, I want to be with you.”
Severus moved his head to look into her face. Her eyes conveyed worry that he might storm away again. Instead, however, he grabbed a fistful of her curls at the back of her neck and gazed at her, drinking her in like a parched man. Hermione acquiesced to his touch and let herself relax slightly. When he didn’t speak, Hermione continued.
She took a deep breath. “I want to be with you if you’re willing to have me.” She waited for a reply but one did not come. He gazed at her intently, but she suddenly felt defeated.
When her expression changed, however, Severus was heartbroken by the disappointed her eyes conveyed. He felt as if every word he had ever known had fled his brain. All he could think about was the way her sad eyes glistened with the formation of unshed tears. Her body felt perfect pressed against his and he loved the way her chin was tilted to vulnerably expose the column of her neck to his gaze.
“Hermione,” he whispered in a broken voice. Without warning his lips captured hers in a passionate kiss. He pulled her more intently toward him and held her close, not allowing anything to come between them. His hand was still fisting her curls as he kept her close to him. The pair kissed for a long time, breathless and red lipped, until finally Hermione had to pull back to catch her breath.
“Tell me you love me,” she demanded. Her voice was hurried and desperate. “Please tell me.”
“Hermione, I,” his voice hitched. “I’m afraid,” he whispered.
At that her tears spilled over, staining her cheeks and creating blotchy spots. Severus tried to take her into his arms and at first she resisted, but finally allowed herself to cave to his touch as she sobbed into his chest.
“What I can tell you,” he whispered into her ear, “is that for reasons I will never understand you have become the best part of my life,” he kissed her temple and then continued whispering into her hair. “I have spent my life counting the days until my clock runs out, but since having you, I stopped counting. You make me feel complete. And I am undeserving of you, that is for certain.” He held her intently as her crying slowed. She was no longer sobbing, and her body was only occasionally wracked by a shuttering breath.
“I want to share my life, my lab, my bed...and everything else with you. I want you to come to my front door day after day and I don’t want to have to let you in because I want this home to be yours. I want to watch you tie your hair back right before we brew and I want to watch the way the soap suds slide off your skin in the shower. I am remarked by the way your presence is so God damn commanding in a meeting and I love walking into those meetings with you beside me. I love the way you fit so perfectly into my life when you’re reading in the sitting room for hours and I love the way you eat pizza and bake cake in the middle of the night. And Merlin knows, Hermione, I love the way you look naked and lounging in this chair. I love how you make every single moment better. This house has always been bright and sunny, so I don’t understand how you’ve managed to make it even warmer.”
She tilted her head to look at him and he gently kissed her tear streaked cheeks. “I want to tell you that I love you, Hermione, but I’m not sure if I’m capable of love. I’m selfish and insecure and hot headed. I don’t know if love is something that I can do, but if I can I assure you that you are the only person I ever want to share it with.”
Hermione relished in the way that his hand grazed lovingly across the small of her back as he spoke. She moved to sit in his lap in the chair and she straddled his waist with one knee on either side. Her warm core hovered directly above his silken shaft. She let her arms wind around his neck and he continued to stroke her back. He let his had find its way beneath her T-shirt so that he could feel the skin at the base of her spine.
“I think, when it comes to love,” she began quietly, “that it only works when both people communicate what they need. I need to be with you, Severus. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything.”
He smiled shyly before planting another kiss on the cheek. “Will you stay tonight?” He asked.
“Will you have me?”
He kissed her throat and the dip at her collarbone before replying.
“Always” he replied on a whisper before allowing her to wrap her legs around him and carrying her upstairs.
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To Be Alive