Adult-FanFiction.org : Harry Potter

Let Love In	By : Kimmimaru Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Remus/Sirius Views: 3124 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any characters or settings by JK Rowling. I make no profit from this story.

Chapter List
- 16
- 17
- 18
A/N: Ok, now this is devastating. I am in no mood for happy writing...so, I give you Chapter seventeen, written to the beautiful music of Brahms Lullaby and Birdy (Singer/songwriter). The lyrics below are a version of Brahms Lullaby, it's a beautiful song and I loved how appropriate the lyrics were for Lily's love for Harry. Please enjoy and keep reviewing because your views matter to me and they really cheer me up. Thank you.

Chapter Seventeen: The Edge of Destruction

The Potters went into hiding, Godrics Hollow acting as their safe haven. Sirius acted as if he had been chosen their Secret Keeper, acting as decoy. Remus watched Sirius closely, seeing how he began spending less time in the flat, he felt afraid. He was terrified of Sirius, the way his eyes would turn cold as he looked at Remus, the way his shoulders would stiffen ever so slightly when he would bring up the topic of James and Lily...it all disturbed him and he began to see things in Sirius's personality that changed. He was angrier, tenser, his body language was off and his eyes hid it all behind a mask of stiff indifference. He became strange in battles, using too much force, barely even flinching when he killed. Remus avoided killing his opponents when he could, but Sirius took on the Ministries new rules about being free to use killing force against the Death Eaters, in fact, he seemed to revel in it.

Sirius rarely spoke at meetings, he could see the same thoughts in everyone's eyes as they looked at him, they all thought that he was the traitor, they all assumed that because he was a Black, he was leaking information...and now he was supposed to be James and Lily's secret keeper...and each day, they trusted him less and less. He decided that if they wanted to see a true Black then he would give it to them. He became seemingly remorseless, ruthless during a duel so that he aimed to kill. He showed them all what he could do if he wished, he sneered at people who tried to draw him into unwanted communication, he snubbed friendliness and waved away anyone who tried to get closer to him. He knew what was happening, he knew he was driving Remus further and further away...but he couldn't stop it. He couldn't stand even touching him...

James was forced to sit back and watch as his wife got bigger, and more afraid, as his friends fell into deep pits of despair and while he watched and waited he could only pray that things would get better...that his son would be born to a better world. He stood outside the cottage, gazing up at the star strewn sky as he wished on every single star that Little Harry James Potter would live a free and happy life, that he could grow up safe and warm and away from harm. He took a deep breath, the night air stinging his lungs as the door opened behind him and he turned to see Lily standing there, one hand over her belly. "James?" She whispered. "It's late...please, come inside."

James nodded and walked over to her, he shoved fingers into her soft red hair and kissed her eye lids gently. "Everything will be alright." He said softly, trying so hard to believe those words, even as his hands betrayed him by shaking. "Please...let everything be alright..." he squeezed his eyes shut and felt Lily's soft fingers on his own, she took his hand and placed it over her stomach.

"This is our future James." She replied. "Harry is our future...our everything. He will grow up to be so loved, so treasured...we'll watch over him."

James gazed down at the bump and smoothed his hand over it. "Yeah...we'll guard him. He'll be full of our love...because there's so much to give."

Lily smiled, kissing her husband gently. "I love you, James Potter." She muttered into his ear before drawing away. "We'll raise him well."

He watched her walk back into the house as he leaned against the door frame. He took one last long look up at the sky before closing his eyes briefly and when he reopened them he was smiling, thinking about his son, his wife and his future...he closed the door, shutting out the cold.

Sirius was tortured by his face. Every time he closed his eyes, every time he blinked...Remus was there. He thought that his heart could only break once, but he had been so very, very wrong...it shattered over and over until he ended up screaming, clutching his hair and falling to his knees. He couldn't stop the emotions overwhelming him, all his passion, all the desire he felt for Remus choked him, suffocating him beneath a dark blanket that confused him and made him feel like he was tearing himself to shreds. Even when he was with another man he would end up screaming Remus's name and afterwards he would fall into the bed as his partner for that evening left him alone.

Remus sat on the roof of a building, one knee drawn to his chest as he half listened to the Werewolf pack beneath him. His eyes were fixed firmly on the setting sun as he remembered the first time his friends had discovered his affliction...he remembered Sirius's reaction so clearly as he closed his eyes and tipped his head back.

"We know." James said, surprising him as he stepped into the dormitory the morning after a change.

"You...er...know what, James?" He asked, feeling nervous under the intense stares he was getting.

"We know about your..." James paused. "...Furry Little Problem." He said with a firm nod.

Remus sputtered, not wanting to believe that they had worked out his secret. "Y-You what...?" He exclaimed finally.

Sirius grinned. Even at twelve he had a confident bearing, his body language telling everyone in no uncertain terms that he was practically royalty. "You're a Werewolf."

Remus felt his knees give way and he had to clutch the door for support...they knew. His friends knew he was a monster...his world went grey and he gasped.

"Woah!" Sirius caught him as he fell, holding him tightly and smiling into his white face. "It's alright, Moony." He said softly, that amazing gentleness shining in his eyes as he brushed hair from Remus's forehead. "We're here for you, yeah? We'll never leave you."

"Yeah, I mean...it's not like you're all big and scary all year round." James grinned, helping Sirius to manoeuvre the shocked werewolf onto the bed. James crouched down, Sirius at his side. "We've decided...we're gunna help you."

Remus laughed out loud. "You can't help me but...the offer is appreciated." He was slowly recovering from his shock, but the look that passed between the two boys was unnerving.

"Look, we've...er...known for a while and we were doing a bit of research...ya'know..." Sirius began hardly able to contain his excitement.

"Yeah! And we saw this book, it had loads of really cool stuff in it, like how to curl someone's finger nails and how to make them..." Sirius elbowed James in the side before he continued.

"The only thing a Werewolf responds to is the call of its own kind..." Sirius said, his face becoming serious. "Moony..." Remus was surprised at this odd nickname, but said nothing. "...we're going to work hard, and no matter how long it takes us, even if we're still trying when we're really, really old and like...thirty...we're going to become..."

James interrupted. "Animagi!" He said with a big, silly, boyish grin on his face.

"Animals can't contract the disease! We'd be safe and we'd be able to make sure you won't be alone!" Sirius's grin was almost identical to James'.

Remus had been so happy, he had burst into tears right then and there. He smiled to himself as he remembered not really believing them when they had promised to learn such intensely difficult magic...but they had. They had trained, practised until they were suffering from exhaustion. Every day for years they tried until one day...one day Remus walked into his Dorm to see a great black dog leaping at him, licking his face. He remembered seeing a magnificent stag stood proudly beside James' bed with a scruffy little rat on top of his head and deep in his heart he had known...he had found his pack, his best friends, his family. Remus leaned back, watching the first stars poke their heads out from behind clouds as he felt that agonising pull in his heart. "Why? Why can't I let you go?" He muttered it to himself, but he knew the answer as he closed his eyes;

Because he was in love with him.

Sirius stared up at the moon, the glass of whisky in his hand shaking as he brought it to his lips and let the alcohol sear his insides. He took a long drag on his fag and tried to stop his mind from dwelling on the past, those beautifully happy memories that threatened to shatter him once and for all. But his mind had other ideas, he hung his head closing his eyes as he leaned heavily on the balcony.

The sun was high and bright in the sky, Sirius sat beneath a secluded tree gazing up at the cloudless sky with his arms behind his head. He could hear the laughter of the other students and he smiled to himself. Then, someone shouted his name and he looked up to see his friends walking towards him. James waving enthusiastically as he bounced on his feet, coming to a halt before flopping inelegantly down beside Sirius. Remus joined them, crossing his legs and leaning back on his hands, Peter sitting close to James. And they sat in silence, quiet smiles on their faces with the sun warming their skin, James closed his eyes, letting a gentle breeze run through his messy hair. Sirius lay back again, as James lay down, resting his head on Sirius's stomach, Remus lay across his legs and they sighed in contentment...they only needed this. The closeness they each shared didn't need words, only the gentle touches, the smiles and the soft laughter. With the scent of summer on the air and the breeze in his hair Sirius closed his eyes wishing, for the thousandth time that this never ended.

He opened his eyes, the glass slipping through lax fingers to smash onto the floor. He lowered his head onto his arms and squeezed his eyes shut so tightly he saw spots of light appear behind his lids. "All I ever wanted was you." He whispered to the moon.

The months drew on, leaving winter behind as spring came rapidly bringing with it the scent of growth and new beginnings. Summer seemed to crash towards them with the force of a runaway freight train and before they knew what was happening James was messaging them with news...

News of a birth.

Harry James Potter. Sirius gazed down into the crib, his eyes wide as he looked at the tiny little boy. He was so small, so delicate that he was terrified of touching him, yet he couldn't stop his fingers from sliding delicately down the sleeping child's cheek. He had a head of fuzzy black hair and little round cheeks, his fingers were clenched into fists beside his head and when he felt Sirius's finger he made soft little sucking noises and wriggled slightly. Sirius withdrew his hand and gazed at his friend, he saw James's proud smile, his chest puffed out as he used to do when he had pulled off a particularly good prank. "James he's..."

"Gorgeous? I know!" He replied, half whispering so he didn't wake his sleeping wife and child. He pulled Sirius from the room, arm tightly around his shoulder. "Let's wet his forehead then, shall we?" James smirked.

Sirius let himself be pulled down the stairs and they sat in the kitchen toasting the baby's health, laughing and smiling as if there wasn't the constant danger of attack. Sirius let himself relax, an odd feeling since he had been tense for so long, he had almost forgotten what it was like to laugh freely and simply enjoy the company of his best friend. Sirius ended up sleeping on the sofa, curled up contentedly as Padfoot. James gazed down at the dog, remembering how he had stole into his bed at night and slept at his side, every time Sirius suffered from a nightmare James had been woken to cold, trembling hands and soft whispers of fear before he had hugged his friend close and told him to go to sleep. James smiled as he watched Smokey, his cat, climb up and sit on top of the large black dog who twitched in his sleep but didn't stir.

Sirius woke the next day, morphing out of Animal shape and stretching his arms above his head. He yawned and sat up, dislodging the Potters' cat which gazed at him grumpily. "Sorry." He muttered, picking the cat up and gazing into its yellow eyes. "Don't look at me like that, you fat little thing, I don't care if you were warm..." He frowned as the cat mewed angrily. "Grumpy sod." He Sirius muttered, letting the cat escape.

"It always weird's me out when you do that." Lily said as she entered the living room and put a cup of tea on the coffee table. She sat down opposite him with a smile so bright it was almost impossible to look at.

"What? Talking to animals?" Sirius shrugged. "We have a connection...I've been able to understand them since I was fifteen."

"So the transformation affects everyone like that then?" Lily asked.

"Oh yeah..." James entered, cradling Harry in his arms. "Had this one particular incident when this pretty little doe became convinced I was a real stag and well...let's just say it got complicated." He grimaced and Sirius laughed at the memory.

"Well, I hope you don't go cheating on me with some pretty little Doe eyed harlot." Lily smirked, taking her son off of James and swaddling him up properly in his blanket. Harry burbled and watched them all with big green eyes.

"No...they scare me." James said with a false shudder. "They're clingy."

Sirius stayed for a few days, he watched, entranced, as James and Lily adapted to family life, sometimes he let curiosity overcome him and he would follow Lily around the house, watching as she changed and bathed Harry, sometimes he helped her and was amazed at how small and fragile Harry was he held his little head with one hand as he bathed him in a bowl. In Sirius's opinion, the child was like some kind of miracle. When he saw those wide, curious green eyes he was overwhelmed with an emotion he had always associated with James, one that made warmth flare in his chest and made him smile.

One day Sirius stood outside the baby's bedroom door, he was covertly watching Lily. She had wrapped Harry in a blanket and was holding him close to her breast, smiling loving into his face as she rocked back and forth in a rocking chair. Her gentle voice filled the room with a blissfully sweet sound that made Sirius want to stay and listen forever.

**"Lullaby and good night

In the sky stars are bright

May the moons silvery beams

Bring you sweet dreams

Close your eyes now and rest

May these hours be blessed

Til the sky's bright with dawn

When you wake with a yawn

Lullaby and good night

You are mothers delight

Ill protect you from harm

And you'll wake in my arms

Sleepyhead, close your eyes

For I'm right beside you

Guardian angels are near

So sleep without fear

Lullaby and good night

With roses bedight

Lilies o'er head

Lay thee down in thy bed

Lullaby and good night

You are mothers delight

Ill protect you from harm

And you'll wake in my arms

Lullaby and sleep tight

My darlings sleeping

On sheets white as cream

With a head full of dreams

Sleepyhead, close your eyes

I'm right beside you

Lay thee down now and rest

May your slumber be blessed

Go to sleep, little one

Think of puppies and kittens

Go to sleep, little one

Think of butterflies in spring

Go to sleep, little one

Think of sunny bright mornings

Hush darling one

Sleep through the night

Sleep through the night

Sleep through the night..."

Sirius watched, feeling an odd choking emotion fill him. He didn't know that James was watching him, pity in his hazel eyes. He understood Sirius's fascination with the baby, Sirius had never had lullaby's sung to him when he slept, he had never known the loving touch of a caring mother, he had never known what a child should grow up with. Lily's voice trailed off into silence and she kissed Harry on the forehead and stood, lowering him gently into the cot. She lifted her eyes to Sirius's and waved him in, he flushed slightly guiltily before being pushed into the room by James, slowly he inched over and Lily took his hand and drew him to the cot, he gazed down at the sleeping child and felt his eyes burn with a sudden savagery he choked. He lowered his head, unable to look at anyone. He felt Lily's hand on his back. "Sirius...Harry will need his Godfather as he grows up." She whispered, her eyes moving to her husband who nodded.

"I want you to be able to look after him if anything happens to us, Sirius."

Sirius, keeping his face hidden behind a curtain of ebony hair, sniffed. "I-I...I can't." He whispered harshly. "James...I'd be useless. I d-don't...I don't understand what a growing child needs. I've never...I never had this." Slowly he did lift his head and James saw tears in them, even though they didn't fall. "I never knew what it was supposed to be like to be...to be cared about. I don't know what would be expected..."

"Sirius," James stepped forward, putting a firm hand on his shoulder. "Would you do anything for Harry?"

Sirius straightened, looking slightly offended. "Of course I would! He's your son!"

James smiled. "Then, that's a good start." He laughed at Sirius's confusion. "Look, all you need to do is learn." He smiled. "Hell, when Lily first told me she was pregnant I nearly threw up...spent countless nights wandering if I was going to be a good father and running through all the things that could have gone wrong...It doesn't matter though, because when I see him..." James's eyes lit up, his smile was so utterly gentle and filled with joy that Sirius knew that this was what he was made for. James was a family man, he was supposed to have children, a loving wife and he was supposed to know love. He was supposed to be surrounded by it because he was the sun and everyone else simply revolved around him...Including Sirius. "When I see him, Sirius, I'm worried my heart will break with the love I feel for him. Do you understand?"

Sirius opened his mouth before closing it again, he shook his head slowly. "I'm sorry...I don't...I-I..."

Lily raised an eyebrow. "Are you trying to tell us that you've never been in love before? Surely you know what it is! Love is everywhere, it comes in so many forms..." Her face fell as Sirius turned his eyes back to the sleeping child.

"Lily, you don't know this but...I was raised in a home where love was an emotion for the weak. It was useless...A Black simply does not feel such a low emotion, which is for lower human beings." He closed his eyes. "I can barely understand kindness...let alone love."

Lily sighed, she smiled at him, taking his head in both her hands. "You, Mr. Black, are a fool."

"What?" Sirius looked perplexed.

"Love is an emotion that every human being feels. It is an exquisite, agonising, utterly frustrating and yet wonderfully freeing emotion. It is the most painful thing you will ever feel, yet it will make you fly higher than that stupid bike of yours. You do the most ridiculous things for it, it will shatter your heart and then mend it again...Love is everything." Her smile was radiant as her eyes met James' over Sirius's shoulder.

Sirius took her hands and smiled weakly. "It doesn't matter though, does it? Not really...not anymore." His voice broke and he swallowed before stepping away from the happy family. "I'm not supposed to be a part of this...I'm not supposed to know kindness...or love...or friendship...because my mother was right. She was always right...I'm not worthy of any of this." He turned away, walking to the door and opening it. "I'm sorry...I-I'll come by another time..."

James grabbed him, embracing his friend tightly. "For fucks sake!" he said roughly. "Go home! Go home to Remus...he needs you and you need him! I'm not stupid, Sirius...I know what you've been doing! Go home to him and love him! Let yourself love! Let it in! Please...before it destroys you both."

Sirius could say nothing, he embraced his friend tightly, unable to let him go. With a sudden, heart shattering sob he broke down. For the first time in his life, since he had been a child, he began crying. He fell to the floor, covering his face in his hands and his shoulders shook violently. He felt warm, soft hands on his shoulders, soft whispers of affection and gentle fingers in his hair. He couldn't hold it back anymore. All his walls, all those barriers he had constructed fell with a resounding crash and the tears scolded their way down his cheeks.

"Go home to him, Sirius." Lily said softly as she smoothed hair from his eyes. "Go back to him and tell him that you love him...because you're losing each other...and it's killing him! Like it kills us when we have to watch you destroy yourself..."

Sirius could only nod as he wiped the tears from his eyes and stood. He smiled a little pathetically before saying farewell and leaving the happy couple. He sat astride his motorbike, head back and taking deep breaths, the wind was fresh and filled with the scents of flowers and the heat of summer. His smile started small, but slowly it spread and he realised he was laughing. How could he have been so stupid? All these years, all these long years he had had to tell Remus his feelings and he hadn't even realised...he hadn't even known or understood his own feelings until he had heard them spoken aloud. He laughed into the wind and suddenly flipped the kickstand, the engine roared to life, like a great massive beast he revved the engine grinning and looking like the happy teenager he had been while at school. With one last salute to James and Lily who stood in the door way of their cottage, he spun the bike around and sped off before yanking the handle bars back and soaring into the air.

When he reached his flat he ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time, stumbling in his haste to reach the only person in the whole universe he had ever loved. He opened the door, slamming it open, a big grin on his face and his eyes glittering. His leather jacket fell from one shoulder and he ran into the flat, towards Remus's room. He slammed open the door...

"Remus?" he gasped. "Remus I'm in love with you..." It took a long moment for the scene that greeted him to really sink in but when it did he felt his world fall to pieces. The brief happiness that had flared within him went out like the flame of a candle and he felt darkness and grief crush him so he fell against the door frame. The room was empty. The book shelves he had erected especially for Remus were empty. The bed sheets had been stripped and folded neatly. The wardrobe stood open with no clothes inside. Sirius gazed at everything as numbness crept into him...slowly he slid down the door frame, his hand resting on it with his head as he hung it so hair covered the horrible scene. His heart broke with the ease of a porcelain figurine...and this time there was no mending it, because Remus had left and Sirius knew, deep down, that he wouldn't return. He lifted his head and tipped it back against the frame, he gazed blindly up at the ceiling as he ran through his time with Remus...not all of it had been bad. He remembered when they had sat, curled up by the fire, blankets over their shoulders. Remus would read while Sirius tried to distract him with soft kisses on his neck, gentle whispers and feather light touches. He saw Remus's smile, the one that was soft and gentle, the one that made his heart treble its speed. He drew his knees to his chest and rested his chin on them. "I love you." He whispered to the darkness. "I'm...i'm so sorry..."

Remus gazed back at the apartment for a last time, his eyes were dark, Sirius hadn't been back for days. He had no idea where he had gone...and the empty apartment had seemed desolate without him. He couldn't take it anymore, he could feel his soul being twisted, turned inside out and it was too painful. He sighed heavily, closing his eyes as the night breeze lifted his hair from his face. "I'm sorry..." He whispered and turned away for the last time, he dragged his trunk to the road. He paused, hearing the distant roar of a motorbike, but he doubted it was Sirius, it could have been any motorbike...they all sounded the same to him. Yet...something held him back...his fingers tightened on the handle of his trunk and he tried to place one foot in front of the other, but it was so, so hard. He lowered his head, letting his trunk fall from his numb fingers and sat down on it. He covered his face and choked on his grief. "I'll ne-never...forget you..." he muttered into the night.

Giving up. It was what Sirius was apparently made for. The man was saying something, and Sirius had to drag his mind from thoughts of Remus yet again and smile his big fake smile. The man was vaguely attractive, with a fall of light brown hair and dark brown eyes...Sirius knew why he had chosen to ask this man back to his flat, he resembled Remus physically, he could ignore the fact that the man was obviously as thick as two short planks. Sirius took a slow drag on the cigarette in his hand and leaned forward, flicking ash into the over full ashtray...he paused as he remembered Remus moaning to him about how he should learn to clean up after himself, and he had whinged that Remus was such a slave driver as he had grabbed him, shoving fingers into that wonderfully soft hair and pressing his lips against Remus's temple...

"Oi, you listening?"

Sirius jumped slightly in shock, blinking away the grief. "Oh, yeah...sorry." He muttered, pushing hair from his eyes. The man glared at him.

"You know, you were the one to invite me back here and you haven't even offered me a drink." He folded his arms across his chest moodily.

Sirius smiled and stood. "Do you...?" He began but before he knew what was happening he had been slammed into a wall, turned around and the man had a handful of his hair and he was pulling it.

"You cocky little shit." The man hissed into his ear. "You sit there, with those big seductive eyes of yours and those sexy little movements...you know you're sex on legs. You're a fucking whore..." The man reached around Sirius and slid his hand down his trousers, Sirius realised, as he felt a hot tongue run up the side of his neck, that actually...he didn't want this.

"Look...I-I'm not in the mood...I just wanted to-..." He gasped and swore and his head hit the wall.

"You're not gunna get rid of me that easily. You want this...I know you do...those tight jeans...the way you've been looking at me all night...Stop playing hard to get."

"No...seriously! Get the fuck off of me!" Sirius tried to wriggle free but the man grabbed his hair again, dragging him backwards and throwing him to the floor. Sirius hit it and rolled over, he had bitten his lip, drawing blood. He wiped it away, ignoring the pain. "Don't touch me!" He hissed furiously, suddenly wishing he had his wand on him...even if this man was a muggle, he felt less pathetic and weak with his wand. The man laughed at him, kneeling down and tracing his finger up Sirius's chest, lifting his tight white t-shirt and looking at his exposed chest with greed. Sirius growled as he smacked the man's hand away and he stood up. "Get out." He said, breathing hard, his hands shaking slightly.

The man grinned and stood, looming over Sirius and making him back straight into a wall. "Oh I don't think I'm going let such a nice piece of ass get away from me that easily..." He slammed his hand into the wall beside Sirius's head, making him flinch violently. Sirius turned his head away, hair falling in an ebony sheet to hide his face as it slid over his shoulder. He felt a finger under his chin and he was forced to look into eyes that resembled Remus' and when the man's lips met his in a violent kiss he didn't struggle...because he deserved this... "There...no more resistance..."

Sirius was pushed to the floor, his jeans ripped off of him and he turned his face away, unable to think as the man took him. His hands were harsh, his movements rough and Sirius could feel nothing but pain. Remus had been rough, but the bites, the scratches the sheer violence had been out of passion but this...Sirius closed his eyes, ignoring the tears that slipped free from them, this was just sadism.

Sirius came away covered in blood, his face white as a sheet, his clothes torn as he lay on the floor, gazing at his hand as it lay beside his head. He had a large bruise on his face, his wrists hurt and he knew that the warmth dripping down his thighs wasn't all semen. The man laughed at him, kicking him casually in the side as he left him there. He felt empty, his mind blank as he struggled to his feet, gripping the wall as he walked slowly to his bed and fell into it. He gazed out the large window and saw the sky lighten. He thought of Remus, he wondered where he was, if he was ok...and he let the tears fall slowly down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry! Please...give me a few more days and I-I'm sure I'll be able to pay you I-..."

The landlord cut Remus off. "No. I've given you several chances already, its money or out on the streets!"

Remus gazed at the man, unable to believe what he was hearing. Then he slumped, knowing there was no way he could pay the man, he could hardly feed himself, let alone pay rent. Finally he nodded. "Yes sir, I'm sorry...I-I'll pack my things..."

He dragged his trunk down the street, wondering where he could go. He didn't really think he could burden Lily and James, even though he was sure they would take him in, he didn't want to disrupt them. So, he found an alley way and sank down onto his trunk, shoving fingers into his hair and staring at a small spot of concrete. He had tried to get a job but each time it was the same thing; 'I'm sorry, but we can't employ someone...someone like you...' 'A werewolf? No! Get out, you filthy creature'...Always the same looks of disgust and hatred, always that look of deep seated fear. He sighed, his breath catching slightly as he closed his eyes. He should have expected this, he should have known there was no way he could live alone...but he couldn't return. The flat would be empty...it had always been empty because Sirius had never really been there, he had never really loved him...

"We're very sorry, Mr. Lupin, we cannot take you on at this time."

"Filthy fucking half-breed! What makes you think we're going to employ the likes of you? Get the fuck out of my shop!"

"We won't employ someone who will endanger everyone."

Remus went from job application to job application, he stayed in hovels, old warehouses and anywhere that had some kind of shelter. When he caught his reflection in the glass of a shop window he saw how thin he'd become, how his robes were ragged and patched, how his hair was greying rapidly...he saw the lines of stress around his eyes and decided it would be best to not look into reflective surfaces anymore. When he changed he went somewhere safe, Apparating to an old abandoned house in the middle of the countryside and bolting the doors, shutting himself inside. And then, when the moon rose to tear his body to shreds, he would scream. He would scream and scream...only ever the same name...over and over...

Sirius.

Sirius lay in an alley way. His hands twitched slightly and eventually he slid sideways onto the filthy floor. His pupils were huge, black pools of emptiness and as people passed they turned their faces away from the dirty boy with long, lank hair and marks all up his arms. Mothers ushered their children past, muttering about junkies and useless homeless people. Only one man, an old man, stopped by the drugged up boy, he sighed sadly, brushing hair from those empty eyes and checking his pulse. It beat with an erratic rhythm and he shook his head slowly. "Poor child." He whispered as he slipped an arm around his waist and lifted him up. "Come home with me, we'll get you sorted out." He kicked aside the needle and the heap of empty bottles. "You've really got yourself into a right mess, haven't you? Still just a kid..." He dragged the boy down the street, turning down a side alley and emerging into a slightly run down area. He paused outside a house and unlocked the door with difficulty, once he had opened it he moved inside.

Sirius groaned heavily, rolling onto his side, he felt sick...horribly sick. His body shook and he could hardly move without wanting to throw up. A voice made him open his eyes, wincing as light hit them.

"Awake are you, boy?"

Sirius pushed his hair from his face, gritting his teeth. "Where 'm i?" He croaked.

"Safe." The voice replied. "I found you lying in an alley way..."

"Who're you?" Sirius's eyes took a rather long time to focus but when they did he saw an older man, greying hair sat atop a smiling face. He sat in an old armchair, a book in his lap and his smile was kind and warm.

"My name is Harold Pritchard." He replied. "And may I ask your name?"

Sirius sighed and fell back into the bed. "Sirius...Sirius Black." He said softly.

"An unusual name...is there anything I can get you?"

Sirius shook his head. "Sleep...need...sleep."

"That's fine, I'll leave you to it and we can talk more when you've recovered." He stood, marking his page with a thumb.

"Wait..." Sirius reopened his eyes. "Thanks..." He said slowly, the man just smiled at him before turning and leaving through a peeling door.

When Sirius woke again it was dark outside, a single lamp lit the corner of his dingy little room and he slowly sat up, scrubbing his face with itchy palms. For the first time in his life he had tried heroin...and it been so bloody wonderful that he had taken it some more...He knew that the drugs would affect him differently from the muggles, he knew that he needn't worry about addiction, or overdosing but it was not without its effects. It made nothing matter. The drug made him care about nothing. He could forget completely, his mind washed clean and he could finally stop thinking...he could finally stop hurting. The magic in his blood made the effects last only short periods of time, as it washed his veins clean of the drug. It was the same mechanism that ensured that he would heal rapidly and even as he gazed down at the numerous track marks covering the insides of his arms he could see they had faded. He knew that it could kill him, just as it did the muggles, with prolonged use he would forget to eat, his body would waste away and he would die...but that thought scared him less and less with each use. He bent his head as pain gripped his heart. He only wanted to go home, curl up with Remus, kiss him, hold him close and tell him over and over how sorry he was, how desperately, deeply in love with him he was. But he was drowning in sorrow, letting the tides of despair wash through him and leave shattered on the jagged rocks of his own making. He had driven him away, he had never told him how he really felt and now...now it was all too late. No matter how many times he let his body be used, no matter how many times he came, screaming Remus's name...it would not bring him back.

"I thought you would like some food..." Harold paused as he gazed at the empty bed, he shook his head slowly. "I try to save them...and they don't want to be saved." With a sad sigh he turned back and returned to the kitchen.

October was cold, Remus leaned against a wall, watching the stars shine out across the sky. He sighed heavily, he wished he could go back, go all the way back to when he had been fourteen and when he had helped James and Sirius plant explosives inside the giant Pumpkins so they exploded all over the Halloween feast, he could hear James and Sirius's laughter as they had stood in the middle of the hall, covered head to foot in pumpkin innards but hardly caring. With a small, nostalgic smile he closed his eyes. "Happy Halloween, Sirius...James."

Sirius sat in his living room, head back against the sofa as he gazed up at the ceiling, a cigarette dangling from his lips. He began to frown, it was Halloween and he was moping about in an empty flat! It was not just any Halloween either...he hadn't seen his Godson since that time he had realised he loved Remus. He stood and rubbed his hands together, he remembered Lily's letter, it sat in a silver box beneath his bed with all his other precious mementoes. The kid had loved his new broom, he had used it to chase the cat around. He couldn't help smiling when he thought about how grumpy the cat would be when he visited, and he smiled even wider when he thought how pleased James would be to see him after so long. And so, with a slight skip in his step he grabbed the keys to his Motorbike and stepped out the door, locking it behind him.

** Brahms Lullaby
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