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A Secondary Education	By : Thunderbird Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 27884 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any affiliated characters. I make no profit from this story.

Chapter List
- 16
- 17
- 18
A/N: Thank you for the amazing feedback this time around! I felt like I was starting the new year off right, and it gave me the push I needed to finish this next chapter over my break. School starts back on Monday, so it's just in time :)
This chapter is a fitting one to start off 2019. New beginnings and all that. Let me know your thoughts! They mean so much to me.
Lesson 17: Worthwhile Risks
As planned, Draco and Kyle returned to Kyle’s flat and cooked spaghetti for dinner. It turned out decently – Kyle seemed particularly proud of what they had accomplished – but Draco couldn’t help but feel that something was missing. No matter how many times he tasted the sauce, though, he couldn’t figure out what it was.
That night, Kyle asked Draco to finally fuck him for the first time. Draco told him he wasn’t ready and ate the brunet out instead, and it felt strangely like an apology.
It was two days later, and they had a dinner date scheduled for that night. It was casual – Kyle always preferred casual – just a good Turkish place Kyle had discovered recently and was excited about. Draco had no real need to impress beyond his usual attire. And yet he found himself sitting on the edge of his bed, staring into his open wardrobe, unable to move. He couldn’t seem to find the will to start getting ready for his date. It wasn’t difficult to understand why.
Draco couldn’t stop thinking about Harry. He thought about him all the time. He replayed their last conversation over and over in his mind, trying to remember it word for word, trying to parse every morsel of meaning behind what Harry had said. He looked at the phrasing from every angle, theorizing about various ways to interpret it. It had made for a couple of sleepless nights, but they had been productive. He’d come to some important conclusions.
First of all, Harry was clearly hurt by the choices Draco had made. He had been hurt when Draco ended their arrangement, and he was hurt that Draco was with someone else. Looking back on the conversation, Draco didn’t really think it had anything to do with Draco’s choice to come out when he did; that was just how Harry chose to react to something much more deeply rooted.
It’s nice to know where I stand, he had said. He wanted to matter to Draco, and somehow believed he didn’t, even when Draco had explicitly told him otherwise. The only thing Draco could surmise was that Harry wanted to matter in a way that was beyond just a good friend helping another friend through a difficult time. He wanted to continue to matter. As more than a friend, if his other words were anything to go by.
Secondly, the monogamy had been intentional on Harry’s part, even though he had never communicated as such before. Despite what he had initially said the first time Draco had asked, it appeared that Harry had chosen to be with Draco and only Draco on purpose. It was not simply that Harry wasn’t able to make time for anyone else; he hadn’t wanted to. He had wanted to spend all of his time with Draco, even if they were just sitting around marking essays together.
Draco swallowed against the tightness in his throat at those memories. They were almost as sweet as their post-coital moments in bed, intertwined. There was an intimacy in those quiet hours of scratching quills, of soft, surreptitious looks, those occasional small touches when Harry would reach for him and brush Draco’s fingers with his, or play with the hair on the back of his neck, or idly trace his ear. Working side by side together, always aware of each other.
So much was being reframed now, in Draco’s mind, after what Harry had said in the wine shop. There were so many small moments that Draco was realizing were actually hinting at something much, much bigger: looks, phrases, choices, that, when coupled with Harry’s recent confessions, added up to Draco’s third and most pivotal conclusion:
Harry wanted to be with him. And only with him. Even now.
It terrified Draco. It made his heart beat wildly to think of it. It made his hands shake. He couldn’t sit still. He could think of nothing else.
Harry wanted to be with him. He might even… he might even be… in love with Draco.
Or he was at least on his way there, enough that he had made the choice to not be with anyone else, despite the fact that he and Draco were no longer together.
None of them are you. None of them even come close. So what would be the point?
For about the hundredth time, Draco closed his eyes and let those words wash over him. They had been so unexpected, deceptively simple in a way that hid the depth of feeling in them. But Draco remembered the way Harry had looked at him in that moment, and the memory alone made his breath come shallow. There was still a part of Draco that wouldn’t let himself believe it, mostly because he wanted so badly to believe it, and it might very well break his heart all over again to learn it wasn’t true.
But the way Harry had looked at him… he recognized it. Harry had looked at him that way before, more and more as their arrangement wore on. And Draco knew now, maybe because he was finally letting himself truly see it for the first time, that it was more than affection.
Harry loved him. It was more than affection. Harry… loved him.
But what did it change? If Draco was honest with himself, everything. It changed everything. So many of his arguments against being with Harry fell apart under that realization. If Harry could really commit to him, there was so much more that Draco would be willing to risk. And he was already out to nearly everyone in his life. His parents were the final hurdle, and with Harry by his side…
But it wasn’t clear cut either, was it? There were plenty of things the two hadn’t discussed, about the kind of life they wanted to have, if Harry was interested in marriage, a family, things that mattered to Draco quite a bit. He didn’t know what “commitment” meant to Harry, not yet. There was so much more than needed to be said.
And then there was Kyle. So sweet, kind, guileless. A great match for Draco in so many ways. Thinking about breaking it off with him made Draco feel queasy with guilt. Kyle had taken a chance on him, had opened up to Draco so quickly. They had become close fast; being with Kyle was easy.
And yet, he had to acknowledge the fact that he wasn’t fully being himself. He wasn’t fully sharing himself, and he couldn’t be sure if it was really that he was worried about what Kyle would think of him and his past. Part of it was that Draco felt a strange imbalance inherent in their budding relationship, like he was spending a lot of time taking care of Kyle, and a part of him, subconsciously, has decided that Kyle wasn’t equipped in the same way to take care of him.
Maybe that wasn’t fair. Maybe Draco was imagining it. But it was what he felt. He was holding himself back, not opening up in the same way Kyle was with him. It was like he wanted to keep some key part of himself to himself, because Kyle hadn’t earned it yet.
Or maybe he just wanted to keep it for Harry. Harry had proven time and again that he could take care of Draco. And he also let Draco take care of him. The bond there was so deep that Draco found it hard to imagine having something like that with someone else, especially knowing that Harry still wanted that with him.
Draco loved Harry in return. He knew that now. He could finally admit it after all this time.
I’m in love with Harry Potter.
It had taken a lot, perhaps too much, to finally get him there. But he had arrived. And that meant there was really only one answer to this problem. He had to end it with Kyle. Whatever happened between him and Harry, however this unfolded, he could not justify stringing Kyle along. That was just cruel, selfish, if he knew he was in love with someone else. He refused to do it.
But he wasn’t exactly looking forward to the alternative.
***
It ought to be done before the date, Draco determined. It was no good to sit through dinner chatting while Kyle made eyes at him and tried to kiss him or hold his hand, knowing he was going to end it in a couple of hours. It was just wrong on so many levels.
His stomach knotted with dread as he Apparated to Kyle’s flat, as he cut their introductory kiss short and told Kyle he wanted to sit on the sofa for a bit and talk. Kyle got this look on his face, a mixture of confusion and anxiety, that hurt Draco to see.
It felt too recent to have this conversation again, a breakup conversation. In some ways it was worse than the one he’d had with Harry, because Kyle was sure to be hurt by it, and he hadn’t known Harry would be.
But it was also easier, because it was the right thing. And that gave Draco courage.
He said it concisely, clearly. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore. It has been really great in so many ways, but I’m realizing that it’s not the right thing for me. I’m really sorry.”
Kyle was quiet for a long time, staring at the floor. Finally, he spoke, running a hand through his hair.
“I don’t understand.”
Draco sighed internally. He was afraid of this, but he realized it was inevitable. Kyle would want an explanation. He owed Kyle an explanation.
“I thought things were going really well,” Kyle said, his voice small. “What is it exactly that’s not right for you?”
Draco took a little while to consider what he wanted to say while Kyle grew steadily more impatient beside him.
“Well?” the brunet pressed.
“I’m…” Draco paused, staring at his hands. “I’m trying to decide how honest you would like me to be.”
Kyle snorted. “You think I want you to lie? Are the reasons that bad?”
“No,” Draco said quickly. “No. Merlin. It’s not even… It’s that if I tell you the whole truth, I’m not sure you’ll believe me.”
Kyle snorted again. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“You might think I’m… making an excuse or something, but I’m not. It’s the truth.”
“Ok…”
“There was another bloke I was seeing for a while. It was a secret, and it also wasn’t meant to be serious. It ended, we went our separate ways, and I believed it was for the best. I wanted to move on.” He looked at Kyle to find him watching Draco closely. “When I met you, I’d been… having a lot of one-offs. Just going out to Muggle clubs and meeting men, figuring myself out. And then I met you, and I liked you so much, I decided to take a chance on something real, something more substantial. And it went really well, as you know. You and I… it works really well, and I really like being with you. That part isn’t a lie, but…”
Kyle blinked slowly, then looked away, out his living room window. “You’re not actually over this other guy you were seeing.”
Draco sighed in relief, then nodded. Only, he realized Kyle couldn’t see him, so he said, clearing his throat, “Yes. He… contacted me recently. He shared his feelings with me, the fact that he wanted to still be with me. His feelings were deeper than I ever realized. Before, I’d never even let myself consider the possibility… but now that I know the truth, I can’t… I can’t deny that my feelings for him are very real, and very deep as well, and…” He swallowed. “I don’t know what’s going to happen, honestly. I have no way of knowing if it will work out. But I know I have to try. And I know that it would be wrong to continue this with you when I want to pursue something serious with him. But I really am sorry. And I do really like you, quite a bit. I hope you’ll believe me when I say it’s nothing that you did.”
Kyle stood and started pacing the room, lost in thought. Draco remained on the sofa, waiting.
“I have so many things going through my head right now, I don’t even know,” he said after a few minutes. “I want to be pissed off. I mean, I am pissed off. Fuck. I mean…” He turned to Draco. “It would have been nice to know… I thought you were the kind of guy who had his shit together. You seemed like the kind of guy who had his shit together. You acted like it. You acted like this would go somewhere.”
“I know,” Draco said. “At the time I honestly believed-“
“That it would,” Kyle cut him off. “Yeah, yeah, I know.” He turned away, his arms folded over his chest. “It doesn’t really make much of a difference, does it?”
Draco sighed. “No, maybe not.” He stood, stepping closer to Kyle. “I just don’t want you to think that it’s something about you, that’s all. I don’t want you to think that I was faking it or that the things I said to you were untrue. Because it was all true, everything I said, all the things I like about you. It was all true.”
Kyle turned back to him. “And yet you’re choosing someone else anyway.”
“It’s not like that, though,” Draco said, trying to keep his voice gentle. “It has nothing to do with… It’s him. It was always him. It wouldn’t matter who I had started seeing this summer. Even if it had been someone other than you, the moment that he told me that truth about his feelings I would have chosen him. Because I… I’m in love with him. I just… am.”
Kyle grimaced, and Draco felt his insides twists.
“I’m not saying it to hurt you, I promise. I’m saying it-“
“Gods, just… shut up, ok?” Kyle said. “I get it.” He shook his head. “I’d really like to hate you, and it would be a lot easier if you were more of an asshole, actually. But you have to be so fucking… I don’t even know. Kind. Decent. It’s fucking annoying, and it actually doesn’t help me. Because you’re still in love with this other guy so…” He waved his hand. “That leaves me out of it and that sucks and I get to feel shitty about it, ok?”
Draco bit his lip and nodded slowly. “Yes, you’re right. You do.”
To his surprise, Kyle laughed, though it was dry and thoroughly unamused. “Of course you would say that. Of course. Because you’re so… understanding.”
“I…” Draco was at a loss. Was he supposed to be less nice or something? He didn’t believe it would actually help. The last thing Kyle needed was to feel not cared about. “I don’t know what to say.”
Kyle huffed. “You can’t say anything. Nothing that will make me feel better, anyway. You’re just going to have to live with that.”
Draco chewed on his lip some more. “Fair enough.”
“I hate you.”
“I get that.”
“Except I don’t actually. I mean… obviously.”
Draco looked up to see that Kyle was staring at him, his mouth forming the smallest semblance of a smile, though his eyes were sad.
“Can you just go, please? I’d like to be alone now.”
Draco nodded. “Sure. Yes. Of course. I’ll go. I really am-“
“Yeah,” Kyle interrupted him again. “I know.” But it sounded more resigned than angry, and Draco decided to take that as a good sign.
There was more he wanted to say, in truth. He wanted to make sure Kyle really knew how great he was, and that the only thing really holding him back was the fact that he didn’t know how great he was. He was worried that this breakup would only contribute to Kyle’s insecurities, and that was the last thing he wanted.
But he couldn’t fix it. Kyle didn’t want him to. Kyle would either believe the things Draco’d already told him or he wouldn’t. And there was nothing Draco could do to sway him in the right direction.
So, with Kyle’s clear dismissal and nothing more to say, Draco turned on the spot, removing himself from Kyle’s life with a small pop of magic before he Disapparated.
***
Dear Harry,
I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said to me last week in the wine shop. In truth, I can’t get it out of my head. I’d like to meet to discuss this further. I want to make sure that you and I want the same things before

Dear Harry,
I’ve ended things with Kyle. It just didn’t seem right after the things you said and the things I know I feel for you. I want to be with you, and from what you said to me last week it seems like you want that too. Do you? I need to know once and for all

Dear Harry,
I’m in love with you. Do you feel the same?
...Shit.

Dear Harry,
I don’t even know what to write anymore. I’ve written this letter what feels like a hundred times already and nothing sounds right. So I’m just going to come out and say it: I love

Dear Harry,
You’re great; I’m great; we love each other. Let’s get married and make babies or something.
Love,
Draco
P.S. Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. How do I do this?
P.P.S. If you ever read any of these letters I will die of shame.

Draco banged his head on his desk and groaned incoherently. This was not going well so far. And he didn’t really think it should be that hard. All he wanted was to write Harry a letter indicating that he reciprocated the feelings Harry had hinted at and suggesting that they get together to properly talk about what they both wanted. But every time he tried to put it on paper the words sounded off. He kept hearing it in the snarkiest or most demanding form of his own voice and he had no idea if that’s how Harry would read it.
Hell, he had no idea if Harry would want to read such a letter. The way they had left things after their conversation was cut short was ambiguous at best. Yes, Harry had said some things that suggested deeply rooted feelings and an interest in commitment. But then Draco’s boyfriend had showed up and made things awkward, and Harry had clearly been unhappy and even hurt by the discovery that Draco was doing things with Kyle that he and Harry had shared together.
Had it been enough to put Harry off the idea? Had he rethought things and realized Draco wasn’t worth it?
Draco had been so clear when he’d ended things with Kyle. He’d been so sure about Harry’s feelings for him, those couple of days after the encounter. And now he was doubting himself.
“Bugger,” Draco said quietly. He didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t not talk to Harry. He had to know once and for all what could happen between them, if anything. But he was at a complete loss as to how to get the conversation rolling. The last thing he wanted was to write a letter that Harry would misconstrue somehow and end up tossing in the fire, leaving Draco to await a response that would never come.
The floo chimed, and Draco looked up, his stomach lurching.
Could it be? Was it possible that it was Harry? Maybe he had tired of waiting for a response and wanted to initiate a conversation himself. Maybe he’d somehow heard about Draco’s breakup with Kyle and wanted to know if he was the reason.
Draco stood from his desk chair abruptly and rushed to the floo as it chimed again. He pulled the lever to answer it, his heart frantic.
Pansy’s head and torso appeared, and Draco sighed, his body sagging.
“Pansy,” he said.
“Don’t sound so thrilled,” Pansy replied drily. “One might think you actually wanted to talk to me.”
Draco sat down in front of the fireplace, sighing again. “Of course I want to talk to you,” he said. “I actually have quite a bit to update you on, it turns out.”
“I’ve already heard,” Pansy said with a purse of her lips. “Imagine my surprise when I sat down with Lindsey Bergeron for tea yesterday and she informed me that you had ended things with her brother on Tuesday and left him a complete mess. Apparently you’re in love with someone else as well.”
“Pansy…”
“No, it’s quite all right,” Pansy said lightly. “It’s not like I, as one of your closest friends, would expect you to actually confide in me about the most important changes in your life. No, of course not. Why would I ever expect such a thing?”
“I was going to tell you, once I’d gotten it all sorted. There are still some things I’m working through and I just wasn’t… I was going to tell you once I’d worked it out. I swear.”
Pansy watched him a moment, seeming almost bewildered. “Has it ever occurred to you that I might want to help you work it out?”
Draco looked back at her. “I suppose… I hadn’t thought of that.”
“No, you wouldn’t.” Pansy sounded exasperated, but almost affectionately so, now. “You’ve been trying to work through too much on your own. You’ve been keeping too much to yourself. What good is it doing you? Honestly?”
Draco considered that. “At the moment, not much.”
Pansy’s expression softened. “Can I come through?”
Draco’s first instinct was to resist, but he didn’t even know why anymore. Perhaps Pansy was right. Perhaps he’d tried too hard to be independent and self-contained these past months, to the point where it was hurting his friends and even himself.
If Pansy wanted to help, he ought to let her.
“Very well,” he said. “I’ll open it for you.”
“See you in a moment,” the witch said, and disappeared from the fire.
She came spinning out of the hearth gracefully not a minute later, dusting non-existent soot off of her person before turning to him, her head cocked and a small smile on her face.
“Pansy,” Draco greeted her again, this time much more warmly and returning the smile. He leaned down to kiss her cheek and she allowed it. Her eyes were glinting when she pulled away.
“I believe this particular conversation calls for tea, don’t you?” she said. “As well as a comfortable place to sit?”
“Indeed,” he said, and followed her out of his study
He got her settled comfortably in the west wing parlor and requested a full tea service from Nixie. Draco expected to be bombarded with questions as they waited for it to arrive, but Pansy merely sat there, looking at him expectantly. Apparently Draco was to be the one to decide what it was they would talk about.
“Is Kyle really a mess?” he found himself asking.
Pansy sighed. “He is… quite upset, as I understand it,” she said. “Lindsey said he fluctuates between being angry that you didn’t choose him and deeply sad that he wasn’t good enough for you.”
Draco rested his head in his hands a moment. He heard the small pop of the tea tray appearing, followed by the pouring of liquid and tinkling of porcelain that indicated Pansy was fixing herself a cup.
“I feel awful about that,” he said finally. “It was never my intention to hurt him.”
“I know that,” Pansy said, and her voice was surprisingly gentle. “And believe it or not, Lindsey knows that as well. You aren’t exactly going to be her favorite person anytime soon, but she confided to me that much of what Kyle is feeling right now has to do more with his ex, the one he was with before he moved here.”
Draco looked up at that. “Really?”
Pansy nodded. “Apparently the man did quite a number on Kyle. He’s had a hard time working through it.”
“He told me a bit about it,” Draco said. “He made it seem as though he was over it. But perhaps, based on the things he said, I should have guessed that he wasn’t.”
“In a way, you were a rebound for him as much as he was for you,” Pansy mused before taking a sip of her tea. “After all, you were only together, what, a month?”
“Close to it.”
“So, in truth, him being very upset that you’ve broken up would be a bit of an overreaction, if he wasn’t already struggling with his previous breakup. You didn’t do anything so stupid as to tell him you loved him or anything.”
“Of course not,” said Draco, aghast. “I don’t take that sort of thing very lightly at all.”
“And he never said as much to you.”
“No, he didn’t.”
“Do you think he fancied himself in love with you?”
“I don’t know,” Draco said honestly. “I hope not. If he did, I think… I don’t really think it’s possible he actually was, because I don’t think he got a chance to fully know me. If he thought himself in love with me, I don’t think you could say it was really… real.”
Pansy nodded and took another sip of tea. “I think you’re right about that.”
“Still, I regret it,” Draco said, finally reaching for a teacup of his own. “I likely made it worse.”
Pansy frowned in thought. “Perhaps. Perhaps not.”
“I tried to tell him it wasn’t his fault that I was ending it. I tried to tell him that he’s wonderful, that I meant the things I said, but I don’t think he believed me.”
“Time will tell,” Pansy said sagely. “Perhaps some of it stuck, in the end.”
Draco sipped on his black tea and thought that over. “I can only hope,” he said, after a while. “It’s not as if I can do anything about it now.”
“No,” Pansy agreed. “It would be foolish to even try.”
“Have I put you in a difficult position with Lindsey? I know you two were striking up a friendship.”
Pansy waved a hand at that dismissively. “Lindsey and I will be fine. And if she somehow holds it against me for being your friend then…” She shrugged. “She’s a fool, and I’m better off without her.”
Draco smiled. “You’re a very good friend, you know, Pansy,” he said. “I know I don’t tell you enough, but it’s true.”
She waved her hand again, as if to ward off too many good feelings coming from him, but Draco could tell that she was pleased.
“Well, enough about Kyle. You know why I’m really here.”
“You want to finally know who my mystery lover is.”
“I want to know what happened,” Pansy insisted. “I want to know why you’re suddenly admitting that you’re in love with him, after all this time.” Draco took a sip of tea and watched her. “And yes, obviously I want to know who he is. If you really do love him, I think it’s time I ought to know, don’t you?”
“Honestly, I’m a bit surprised you haven’t figured it out by now. You’re certainly clever enough, if you make a few intuitive leaps.”
She scowled at him. “How in Merlin’s name was I supposed to figure it out? It could be anyone, and I honestly don’t even know that many gay wizards. Most circles I run in they keep that sort of thing to themselves, unfortunately.”
“Well, you know it was someone I was spending quite a bit of time with.”
“Certainly.”
“And given that I was at Hogwarts for most of the year, without much opportunity to leave…”
Pansy stared at him a moment, working through that. “You’re saying it is a staff member? Or simply someone who lives in Hogsmeade, I suppose.”
Draco shook his head. “The former.”
Pansy looked puzzled. “But who… who would I know who…? I don’t know any of the staff, besides the old codgers who taught us when we were there, and I know it’s not one of them.”
“You know him too,” Draco assured her. “You read the papers. You must know he works at Hogwarts, has been for a number of years. You’ve probably just forgotten.”
Pansy watched him with narrowed eyes. “Read the papers?” And then it dawned. Draco saw the exact moment it all clicked into place. Her mouth dropped in disbelief before lighting up with a wide smile. Then, without warning, she threw her head back and started cackling uncontrollably.
Draco sipped his tea and watched her in silence.
“Of course,” she said when she could breath again. “Harry bloody Potter. You’re in love with Harry Potter. Of course you are.”
“Yes, it seems quite obvious, now that I’ve given you all those hints,” Draco said drily.
“It’s just too perfect,” she replied, still laughing. “It’s just too bloody perfect.”
“You’re not upset that it’s him?”
“Oh, tosh,” she said. “It’s been years since school. And it’s not like I have anything real to hold against him anyway. He did save the world, after all, and all of us with it.”
“True,” Draco replied. “Though that’s not why I’m in love with him.”
Pansy adjusted herself on the sofa, scooting closer to Draco’s chair eagerly, obviously fighting a grin. “So why are you in love with him?”
Draco found himself fighting a smile of his own. “There are a lot of reasons.”
“Tell me,” Pansy insisted. “I want to hear the whole thing from start to finish. Tell me everything.”
Draco began with his arrival at Hogwarts, the way he found himself resenting Harry at first, but how Harry had won him over quickly and how there was a great deal of unspoken attraction between them. He told her about the night at the club, and even about almost hooking up with Rick (“Oh, I’m glad you didn’t go through with it. He sounds like a tosser.”), and how Harry came to him afterwards and made him feel better about his choice. When he told Pansy about the kiss they shared, he found himself going into more detail than he intended, and Pansy was quite literally fanning herself by the end of it.
“So after that I decided that if I wanted to get comfortable sleeping with men, then Harry was the best person to help me.”
“I don’t blame you,” Pansy said, her cheeks a bit pink. “And he agreed, I suppose?”
“He did.”
“Of course.”
“But he set some conditions on it. We both did.” He told Pansy about the talk they had, the agreements they’d made, and how they’d snogged and frotted on Harry’s couch. Multiple times.
“Sweet Merlin, Draco, this is getting steamy.”
Draco grinned. “You don’t even know the half of it.”
“Tell me.”
And so he told her about the lessons, giving her enough details to keep that pleased flush on her cheeks but still keeping some things to himself, some things he felt only belonged to him and Harry. He told her about the way he struggled with some of it, the hang-ups he’d had that he found a way to overcome, the fear of what his family and friends would think. Pansy put her hand on his then, squeezing it hard with love and pride shining in her eyes, and that was enough to spur him on.
Tales of his Christmas break with Harry had her positively beaming, especially when he told her that Harry had started sharing some important things about himself, things only his closest friends knew.
“It all sounds very sweet, actually,” she said. “Do you think you were falling for each other even then?”
“It’s possible,” said Draco. “I think that was the beginning, although I refused to see it at the time. And I have no idea what was going on in Harry’s head. I suppose I’ll have to ask him.” He felt a pinch of nerves at the reminder that he still needed to find some way to reach out to Harry. His mind went swiftly to the stack of unfinished letters on his desk, at least until Pansy nudged him back to the present.
“What happened after Christmas?”
Draco looked out the window as memories from the spring term came rushing back to him. “Things only became more intense between us. The weekly encounters we’d had in the autumn weren’t enough anymore. After so much time spent together over Christmas we didn’t…” He swallowed. “We didn’t want to be apart. It wasn’t even about sex anymore, we just…”
He could feel Pansy watching him, and he glanced down at his hands.
“And yet you still didn’t know? You never talked about it?”
“Our feelings?” Draco clarified.
“Yes.”
He shook his head. “No. We never talked about it, other than that we wanted to spend more time together. I know it sounds ludicrous, that we didn’t…” He glanced at Pansy, who did look incredulous, as a matter of fact. “You have to understand that at the time, I wasn’t out to anyone other than Harry – and Francesca, I suppose, but only because she figured it out on her own. I had no intention of telling her, of telling anyone. I was still holding onto an idea of how my life should be, with a pureblood wife and-“ He shook his head. “To acknowledge my feelings, even to myself, would make it real. It would mean that I would have to take risks with my heart again, coming out to everyone I know, taking a chance on a man who by all accounts didn’t even want a real relationship. I was completely terrified. I can’t even describe…”
They were both quiet as Pansy poured herself another cup of tea and thought that over. “And Potter?” she asked finally. “He never said anything, did anything, to indicate that his feelings were deeper?”
“There were signs,” Draco admitted. “Looking back on it, knowing what I know now, there were signs. The way he would look at me sometimes, or little things he would say or almost say. He was the one who suggested we spend most nights together, any night neither of us were on duty. He talked about the future, about how it would be easier come summertime, when we didn’t have to work. But he never outright said that he wanted to be exclusive or that he wanted something long-term.”
“And you were too afraid to take those small signs as indications of his feelings.”
“Yes, exactly. I assumed they were just… his way. I assumed he had been the same way with the men he had been with in the past.”
“Well, how were you supposed to know otherwise?” Pansy said.
“Maybe I knew deep down,” Draco said. “Or at least part of me wanted to believe it. But that part of me wasn’t strong enough to do anything about it. Not yet anyway.”
“How did it finally end?” Pansy asked. “You implied, when last we spoke of it, that you were the one to end it, because of his… issues with commitment. I thought maybe the two of you had spoken of it, of your feelings. But now it sounds as though you never did.”
Draco shook his head. “We never spoke of it outright. He didn’t reject me or tell me he wasn’t ready for a relationship. It wasn’t that. But I did end it because I finally realized my feelings for him were becoming serious and I didn’t believe he could commit. I didn’t have proof but… It’s like you said. I had no reason to believe he would change his mind for me. And I was still terrified of coming out. I couldn’t bring myself to take so many risks for him. But I also couldn’t stay with him as we were, because of my feelings for him. So I ended it. It was…” He swallowed. “It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And it made everything… strange between us. Harry was hurt, I know that now. Though I didn’t at the time. And so he started avoiding me when he could, and I avoided him in turn, because it was just easier that way and…” He sighed. “Then the summer started, and I did everything I could to move on from Harry. I slept with a number of Muggle men that I picked up in clubs. But I got bored with that quickly. And then I met Kyle.”
“But he didn’t help you move on either,” Pansy pointed out.
“No,” said Draco. “Not that that’s what I wanted from him. I didn’t pursue something with him as a way to get over Harry. Not intentionally anyway. I genuinely thought I was moving on. It wasn’t until I saw Harry again and he implied that he would be interested in something serious with me that I realized that I was really and truly in love with him. And then I knew I had to end it with Kyle.”
“So you could be with Potter.”
“Yes…” Draco said cautiously. “And simply because I don’t think it’s right to be in a relationship like that with someone if you’re in love with someone else. No matter what happens with Harry, the simple fact that I love him means I shouldn’t be with Kyle.”
She was quiet a moment. “I’m confused. You’re in love with Potter, but you’re not sure you want to pursue something with him?”
Draco was stymied. “No, I am. I mean… I want to.”
“What’s stopping you? Have you spoken again?”
“No. I’ve been trying to compose a letter to him, but it’s not going well.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know,” Draco said, exasperated. “I felt so sure at first, of his feelings, of what he wanted. But the farther I get from the conversation the more I start to doubt it and… I’m terrified all over again. I’m terrified of rejection. I’m terrified I somehow misconstrued his words and he didn’t mean what I thought he meant. And I’m terrified that even if he did mean them the way I thought, that maybe now he’s changed his mind.”
“What exactly did he say? Perhaps I can help you interpret them.”
Draco blushed. “He said a lot of things. We were having almost a bit of an argument, actually. It’s sort of a blur.”
Pansy smirked. “Are you telling me you don’t remember his exact words? Because that doesn’t really seem like you.”
Draco blushed deeper. “No, I remember the exact words. The most important ones anyway.”
“Well, go on then.”
“We were arguing because… because Harry didn’t understand why I had chosen to come out for Kyle when I wouldn’t for him. That’s how he saw it anyway. I think he was actually just jealous, because I had referred to Kyle as my boyfriend. But either way, I pointed out to him that the situations were different because Kyle and I had agreed to be exclusive. And Harry got upset because he had apparently thought we were too, because he had told me before Christmas that he wasn’t seeing other people. And I reminded him the reasons he gave, that he was too busy, and he said those weren’t really the reasons.”
“Did he give you the real reasons?” Pansy asked, leaning forward.
Draco thought about it. “He didn’t really answer, but I didn’t really give him the chance. Because I was rather… agitated. I told him that the reason I left was because summer was coming up and I didn’t believe the monogamy would last. And I didn’t want to be one of many. And he said, ‘You weren’t one of many, that was the point.’ And I said that I knew he had gone back to his other lovers, that right after I ended it he immediately started sleeping with other men. But I was wrong about that. Apparently he’d just been going to visit Weasley and Granger and their new daughter. And then he told me that he hadn’t been with anyone since our split.”
Pansy gasped, her eyes wide. “No one?”
“Apparently. He made a point of emphasizing that. ‘I haven’t been with anyone,’ he said. And I asked him why. And he said…” Draco found himself fighting a smile again. “He said, ‘What would be the point? None of them are you. None of them even come close. So what would be the point?’”
Pansy made a sound that was suspiciously like a squeal and bounced up and down in her seat a moment. “Draco,” she said. “That’s so… romantic.”
Draco ducked his head. “I don’t know, is it?”
“Yes! How else are we supposed to interpret that? He’s been pining for you since your breakup to the point where he can’t bear to be with anyone else.” She clutched her hand to her breast. “You’re all he’s been able to think about, obviously.”
Draco kept his head down, secretly enjoying her theatrics. “Well, he never outright said any of that.”
“Please,” Pansy said, waving a hand. “That’s what he meant, and you know it.”
Draco sighed, finally looking up. “Yes, all right. That’s how I interpreted it too, at least at first.”
“So what did you say to him, when he said that? How did you two leave it?”
“I was stunned. By the time I managed to formulate a response, asking him exactly what he meant by all of that, Kyle was interrupting us.”
“Kyle was there?”
“We were shopping. We had separated temporarily and Harry cornered me while I was alone to have this conversation.”
“But you didn’t get to finish it.”
“Correct. But Harry had said enough that I knew… I thought, that perhaps he loves me after all and I-“
“He does,” said Pansy emphatically. “He must.”
“I hope so,” Draco said softly. “He at least cares for me enough to give us a proper try, and that’s enough for me now. I’m brave enough now to try too. I’m ready to take the risk. But I’m struggling with how to begin.”
“So you’ve been trying to write him a letter.”
“Yes. But like I said, it’s not going well.”
“Well, what are you trying to say?”
“That I’ve been thinking about what he said, and that I care for him too, and maybe we could try again. But that it’s important that we talk and make sure we want the same things before we move forward.”
“The same things? Monogamy you mean? Commitment?”
“That and… you know…” Draco scratched his neck nervously. “A real future, a family.”
Pansy arched a brow. “You want to have the children conversation now, before you’ve even gotten back together?”
“Why do you say it like that, like that’s such an unreasonable thing?”
“It just seems to me you’re getting a bit ahead of yourself. It’s not like you’re going to go out and adopt a child next week or something. Surely you’d want to wait. Surely you’d want to be married, or at least committed in some official way.”
“Of course,” said Draco. “It would take a few years, probably.”
“So why does it have to get all sorted now?” Pansy asked. “You and Potter haven’t even had a chance to properly reconnect, to figure out how you want your relationship to be now. How can you expect either of you to know exactly what you want it to be in three years?”
“I’d at least want to get a general sense,” Draco grumbled.
“It just seems like a bit too much pressure to put on the initial conversation. Especially when he’s the one who’s stuck his neck out for you not knowing how you feel at all. You’d be asking a lot of him.”
“I can’t believe you’re taking his side in this,” Draco said, though he knew she had a point.
Pansy heaved an exasperated sigh. “It’s not about sides. You wanted to know why you were having such a hard time writing the letter. And I’m saying perhaps because you’re trying to convey too much. Maybe you need to make it simpler, make it about what you want with him now, not three years down the line. That’s all.”
Draco thought about that. “What I want with him now…”
“Yes. Do you even know what that is?”
Draco thought some more. “To begin anew. To start over, from the beginning, do it properly this time.”
“And what does that mean, properly?”
Draco felt his lips quirk up in a small smile. “I want to ask him on a date. A nice one, with good food, something he would like. Public enough that we would be seen out together, so he knows I’m serious about making this work, but private enough that we can really talk, about whatever we want. Where we can be open and honest with each other.”
Pansy nodded. “That sounds like a good beginning.”
“Seems silly to ask him out in a letter, though. I ought to just ask him in person, if it’s just about… a date.”
“All right. How would you go about asking him?”
“I suppose I’d have to go to Grimmauld when he’s home and ask him then. I could… I could explain to him that I’ve ended it with Kyle because I… still have feelings for him and… then I could ask him to dinner.”
“I think that’s a very classy way to go about it.”
“And brave,” said Draco. “A bit frightening, in fact.”
“You could bring him a gift,” Pansy suggested, her eyes lighting up. “Something small but thoughtful. It gives you another reason to show up at his house other than to ask him out. It might make it easier.”
“This is starting to sound an awful lot like courting.”
“Well, what’s wrong with that?”
Draco wrinkled his nose. “It’s old-fashioned and awkward, that’s what.”
The witch rolled her eyes. “Well sure, when it’s forced by your parents and you don’t really know the person, it’s not pleasant. But it can actually be rather romantic, in the right circumstances. I rather enjoyed it when Theo courted me. It was relaxed. There wasn’t a lot of pressure, even though we knew we were to be married. We just talked and stole a few kisses when we could. It was sweet.” She had a fond smile on her face at the memories, and Draco found himself feeling wistful that his experiences hadn’t been as romantic as that.
“I suppose there isn’t that much difference between courting and dating,” he conceded.
“Just sex, really,” said Pansy. “With all the encounters being chaperoned, there wasn’t much chance. With dating, you can decide for yourself when you’re ready for that.”
Draco nodded. “True.” In all honesty, he hadn’t really thought much about sex and when he and Harry might resume that part of their relationship. It seemed less important than the rest of it, mostly because they already knew that they were sexually compatible.
Strangely, Draco found himself cautious in that regard. He didn’t want to jump right into bed with Harry again, when he really thought about it. That would feel too much liking picking up right where they left off, and that wasn’t what he wanted. He really did want to start over with Harry, even see where this could go without the sexual component, at least at first.
So perhaps this whole courting idea wasn’t such a bad one after all.
***
He kept the gift simple, not wanting to overthink it. He went to a bakery in Diagon Alley and picked out a selection of Harry’s favorites, asking them to arrange it nicely in a box with the treacle tart as the centerpiece. They did up elegantly with a large blue bow and Draco was satisfied with the result.
And terrified out of his mind.
Why didn’t I just write him a bloody letter instead? he asked himself as he rounded the corner onto Grimmauld Place and made his way towards Number 12.
Of course, he knew the answer to that. This was much more personal, more romantic. And the bigger risk. Pansy’s point had stuck in his mind, that Harry had taken quite a risk telling Draco how he felt, knowing that Draco was with someone else and there was a good chance of rejection. It was only right that Draco meet him halfway, choose to be brave as well.
Harry was worth it.
He came to Number 12 and was relieved to discover that he could still see the front of the house clearly. It meant he was still keyed into the wards. He’d been worried about that, wondering if Harry would have excluded him after their breakup.
But he hadn’t. Draco could pass through the shimmering layer of magic easily, and he did, making his way up the walk to the front steps, the large white box in his hand.
He paused there, panic seizing him suddenly.
This is stupid, he told himself, wanting to turn and run. This is so stupid. It could all go horribly wrong. Harry could slam the door in his face or tell him it was too little too late.
What if Harry opened the door and he had some other bloke with him? What if he was fucking some other bloke right at that very moment and had forgotten all about Draco already? What if-
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. This wasn’t stupid; that was just the fear talking. It was just that he’d never done anything like this before. He’d never put himself out there so openly before.
But he could do it. He could do it for Harry. And maybe Harry would tell him it was too late and that he had moved on. But in that case Draco would survive it.
And, if he was honest, he really didn’t think that would happen. Harry had told Draco how he felt. He had chosen not to be with anyone else in months. And he’d allowed Draco through the wards.
It felt like Harry was waiting for him.
So he took another deep breath, walked up the front steps, and rang the doorbell.
It took a minute. It took long enough that Draco started to question whether Harry was home. He rang the doorbell again. Perhaps Kreacher would at least answer and be able to tell him where Harry was. He could leave the gift and figure out his next move. It wasn’t ideal, but…
Then he heard the faint sound of footsteps on the stairs inside, and he recognized the pattern immediately. His heart started to pound. The door opened.
Harry looked a bit messy. He was dressed down in worn jeans and a t-shirt that was dusted with what looked like bits of plaster and paint. His hair was unstyled, as if he hadn’t yet showered. But Draco couldn’t help but think he looked quite sexy anyway.
Harry looked at him wide-eyed for a moment before saying, “Draco,” his voice mostly a surprised breath.
“Hi, Harry,” Draco replied, noticing he sounded a bit breathless himself.
Harry stared a second more before looking down at himself. “Sorry, I was…” he brushed some white dust from his shoulder. “The renovators are here, for the third floor. I’m helping them.”
“Oh, that’s… good,” Draco said. “Things are coming along nicely then?”
“What? Yeah. Oh, yeah, definitely. It’s just… that’s why I look like this, that’s all. I wasn’t expecting… you know, company.”
Draco felt himself melt as he watched Harry self-consciously straighten himself out a bit more. It was too endearing for words. He held out the box.
“I didn’t mean to keep you from your work. I just wanted to bring you a gift.”
Harry looked at the box, surprised. “In person?”
Draco felt his cheeks warm. “Yes.”
“Oh.” He took the box from Draco and their fingers brushed, sending sparks all the way up Draco’s arms to the top of his spine. “Thank you. But my birthday’s not for another three days.”
Draco stood gaping a moment. He had completely forgotten what day it was, if he was honest, so he hadn’t been thinking about it. But of course, Harry’s birthday was the very end of July, and they were nearly there.
“It’s not a birthday present,” Draco said. “That’s… I have a different present for your birthday.” Or I will, at any rate, he told himself. He would have to get something better than treacle tart for that, something meaningful and heartfelt.
Harry looked down at the box and back up at Draco. “Oh. Then what is this present for?”
“Ummm… It’s just… It’s just, you know, a small token.” Harry stared at him. “Of my…” He cleared his throat. Come on, say it. You have to say it out loud. “Of my love. For you.”
The confusion on Harry’s face softened into disbelief, and something else, something that might have been hope. “Love?”
“Yes.”
“You love me?”
“Very much so. I’m sorry it took me so long to see it.”
Harry looked down at the gift again. When he met Draco’s eyes, they were filled with that tenderness Draco recognized from their last conversation, and it made his blood hum. “Would you like to come inside?”
“I…” Draco honestly hadn’t been expecting the invitation, though he didn’t know why. Either way, he couldn’t say yes. He knew what would happen if the two men were together behind closed doors, without a large white box between them. And he wasn’t ready for that yet. He wanted to do this right. “Not today. Not yet.”
“Oh.”
He knew there was a note of disappointment in Harry’s voice, and Draco wanted to fix that immediately. “I came to bring you a gift and to ask you something, to ask you to – to have dinner with me.”
"Dinner?"
"Yes."
“When?”
“Tomorrow night. I have reservations somewhere special for 7:30.”
Harry grinned. “You were confident I would say yes, then.”
“I hoped, at least,” said Draco. “And I wanted to make sure I could get the reservations I wanted.”
“Where?”
“Now, that’s supposed to be a surprise.”
“Why?”
“Why is it a surprise or why am I asking you to dinner?”
Harry laughed, a low, nervous sound. “I honestly don’t know. I‘m sort of in shock right now.”
Draco laughed too, relieved to know he wasn’t the only one. “It’s a surprise because I want it to be special. And I want it to be special because I love you.” Merlin, it was liberating to be able to say that out loud. And the way it made Harry’s eyes glow and his throat bob, it was well worth it. “As for why I want to take you to dinner in the first place, it’s because I want us to start over, begin at the beginning, a proper relationship.” He took a step closer, knowing this was a bit dangerous, given the expression on Harry’s face and how thoroughly snoggable he looked at the moment. “I want to be with you and only you, and I want to know if you want that as well.”
“I do,” Harry said immediately. “I thought I made that clear. I mean, I was trying to make that clear. I didn’t exactly get to say everything I intended to say.”
“That’s all right.” Draco put his hands over Harry’s, which were still holding the box. “You can say everything you want to say to me tomorrow night.”
“I really have to wait until tomorrow?”
Draco laughed again, his eyes flitting to Harry’s perfect lips. It was so tempting, to just lean in a little, and –
He tore his eyes away, looking into Harry’s. “One step at a time, right?” he said.
Harry let out a shaky sigh. “Right. Tomorrow night, then.”
“Tomorrow night. I’ll come here and pick you up.”
“I’ll be waiting.”
“Good.”
Draco knew he couldn’t stay any longer. He was in great danger of knocking the massive box of sweets out of Harry’s hands and throwing himself at the brunet. And that was counter-productive to his current intentions.
Besides, if this all went well, there would be plenty of that later. It gave him something to look forward to.
He nodded to Harry in goodbye and turned, making his way down the walk. At the gate he paused, turning to look back, knowing Harry was still standing in the doorway watching him. He grinned, then turned again, passing through the soft magic of the wards. Harry disappeared from sight, then, but the glimmer in his eyes remained burned into Draco’s memory.
He made his way to the closest Apparition point, a distinct spring in his step. He had a lot to look forward to. Yes indeed.
micro_gravity_girl: Thank you so much! I’m glad I could suck you in with the smut and make you stay haha. I like how you describe my work as “personal,” because it is to me, very much so. Honestly, this fic has been very therapeutic to write. I hope you enjoyed this next installment with Draco finally able to share his feelings as well.
Hvsmith: Thank you! That is quite a compliment. I hope this chapter helped you get your fix! <3
emeraldeyes: Thank you! It means a lot to hear that you are taking the extra time to share your thoughts when you don’t do that normally. It makes me feel special :)
What you said about how things can get a little cheesy in those “big moments” when the characters realize their feelings really resonates with me. I try to avoid that when I can. I love a good RomCom moment, but I want it to feel as real as possible. I hope the end of this chapter wasn’t too much cheese for you.
It was important to me that Draco forgive Astoria but also keep his distance from her. He wants to let go of his resentment, but that hardly means he should be friends with her or Blaise. I agree that that would have been ridiculous. I think Draco’s choice was the healthiest one, personally.
Thanks for another great review! <3
Shaymarsh640: I’m so glad you enjoyed that chapter! I loved reading your long review (and your second installment), because it showed me how much you’re thinking about the story and these relationships and that is my main goal as a writer.
You’re right about Draco’s relationship with Kyle. As you saw in this chapter, he has realized all the ways he was trying to make it work without really connecting and being open. He realizes that he was holding back because he still had feelings for Harry deep down. And Kyle had his own reasons for trying to force things and make them fit in a way they didn’t. I don’t think they were bad for each other, per se, but the timing wasn’t right. They both had too much baggage.
I’m glad you enjoyed the scene with Astoria. I think you capture it exactly right. It’s about letting go but closing himself off to her at the same time. Even with the advice he gives. It’s his way of finally ending that chapter so he can move onto the next one. I wanted it to be a reflection of how far he’s come and the kind of person he is now.
I know I ended on a cliffie with Harry but at least you weren’t upset about it lol. I wanted to cut the conversation short because I thought it was important for Draco to have to think about what he really wants. Once he figured it out, he could pursue Harry on his terms and with the full knowledge he was ready. I hope you liked the scene with Pansy this chapter where she helps Draco finally figure out what he wants. He couldn’t do it alone!
Good catch on the floo thing! I honestly just forgot. Minor oversight, but I fixed it.
You also mentioned wanting something from Harry’s pov. I have been thinking for a while about doing some “bonus materials” for this fic after it’s finished, like extra scenes we didn’t see before or some chapters from Harry’s perspective. I wouldn’t do the whole story, but I could do some of it. If there is any specific scene or chapter you’d want to see from his pov, let me know! <3
Amethyste: Thank you! That means a lot, considering that characters are my favorite part of writing. I’m glad you like Kyle. I do too. I just love Draco and Harry together too much to let that go. But Kyle will be ok in the end :)
nonakaer: Thank you so much! It feels good to know you felt compelled to review when you don’t normally. It means a lot :) I’m glad you find the relationships and emotions relatable. That’s the goal! This is a very personal story for me and I’ve put a lot of myself in it (more than I expected!), and I definitely want it to feel real to my readers too.
Hope you enjoyed this new installment! Happy New Year! <3
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A Secondary Education