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Twenty Ways to Catch a Weasley	By : FairlightMuse Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Snape/Ginny Views: 16454 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Snape lowered his wand and rolled his eyes at the tall lanky figure silhouetted in the open doorway.

" Lupin. . ." he acknowledged, with a slight hint of sarcasm. " How did you find me?"

Lupin, who had been standing over the other man, lowered his wand too, and stepped fully inside the structure.

" Call it an educated assumption." he answered, kneeling down so that he was no longer a shadow, but a flesh and blood person.

" Only a fool would assume." Snape deadpanned.

" Well, you have accused me of that title often enough over the years." Lupin agreed softy. He wanted to proceed as cautiously as possible.

" Be that as it may, this is may, you are, for the moment a fool that I am thankful to see." Snape muttered.

" Well! And to what do I owe this strange and intriguing change of character?''

Snape's lips automatically curled downward in wry disdain.

" I am wounded." he stated calmly.

" Where at?"

" No place I am about to let you see, so don't get the wrong ideas." Snape had meant for that to come a little more bitingly, but it only sounded weary. He could see that the other man was just as weary, not to mention wary, and was in need of a bath, a shave, a meal, and a good rest, judging by his looks.

However the possibility that Snape was wounded in an unmentionable part of his personal geography caused Remus' eyes to twinkle in imitation of Dumbledore's.

" Oh, let's have a look, old man, I won't tell a soul!" he said with mock sincerity.

" No!" Snape responded sullenly.

" Then, why are you in need of my assistance?" Lupin sat back on his heels and regarded his ex-foe.

" I never sad I required your assistance. I said I was thankful to see you."

Lupin remained silent, waiting for Snape to finish. When Snape couldn't back the other man down with his glare, he finally sighed in surrender.

" Fine. I do need you your help, but I swear to any and all the gods and ancestors that if a word. . .if even a hint of a word, gets out about this, I will personally emasculate you and then stuff the severed parts down your traitorous throat..." Severus winced as he shifted slightly.

Remus' lips twitched in a way that said he was not impressed with Severus' threat.

" So. . .what you are subconciously trying to admit is that you are in a quite a bit of pain, and somewhat embarrassed?"

" Lupin. . ." Severus warned.

" All right, well. . .let's see then. " he raised his eyebrows, but Snape didn't budge. " I swear that no matter what I see. . .or don't see, I won't tell a soul. "

" I don't care about souls! I don't want you telling any people. no house elves, no paintings, no centaurs, not even the Whomping Willow!"

" I swear that I will never mention it to anyone, or anything, living, dead or undead. I won't even tell you. There, now will you let me look at it before you succumb to blood poisoning?'' Remus demanded, now solemn.

At last, Severus began to move, but his look was twisted in a look of agony, and Lupin could only imagine how humiliating this must be for Snape. He himself, who had spent many years waking up naked in various locales, sometimes blood covered and bewildered, had long ago learned that modesty was a self inflicted torment. He had adjusted to his situation, and now Snape would have to adjust to his own.

But, he promised himself that he would not grin. He would not snicker. He would not even let his eyes suggest dram of humor at the situation. He owed it to Snape, after the glorious gift of the better Wolfsbane potion, to not humiliate him further. Besides, if he Snape thought for a moment that Remus was enjoying it too much, he might depart, and die somewhere of infection, then Remus would have to face Ginny.

He wasn't prepared for what Snape was doing though. He had assumed that someone had given Old Severus a good blast in the arse with a snapping spell, but Severus was not baring his arse. With a cough of embarrassment, Remus tried to turn his head, so that he could pretend to be very interested in the sawdust covered floor.

Oh yes, look, there was a little spider, he could take a long time pretending to examine that.

" Are you going to help me, or are you just going to stare at the floor like an imbecile? " Snape snarled.

He sounded like a wounded dog, and Remus tuned back to him quickly only to nearly gag at the sight of the wound. He had seen some nasties in his life, and had inflicted several of them, mostly on himself, but this one was evil looking. It began where the thigh met the hip, and became a nice deep gash, traveling around the leg, and under

the. . .well. . .the place where a man least wanted to be wounded.

It had bled profusely, and was still seeping from one end, which seemed to be a deep puncture. . .almost as if he had been stabbed with a wand.

Some type of slow moving venom must have been used, because streaks of red and green were beginning to trickle away from the wound, discoloring the skin. A faint sweet odor rose from the puncture, and shook his head.

" This is bad. "

" Is it? I hadn't looked yet." Snape's voice sounded rather weak, and when Lupin touched Snape's hand he felt a bit of fever.

" It's bad. You should have returned sooner. .. this needed a healer's immediate attention.

" Shut up. I just need you to cast a quick holding charm on it. . .anti-bleeding, anti-pain, something. And the one on my back."

" Lean forward." Lupin ordered, and for once, Severus obeyed without any complaint.

Since he was safely behind Snape, he allowed himself to grin. He regretted it though, as it was extremely difficult to get the smile back under control once it had broken loose. These wounds, must have been aimed for the same quarter as the first, but Snape had turned at the last moment. A series of shallow hatch-marks crisscrossed his entire lower back, and the tops of his buttocks. There was no doubt that it was a curse. . .at the moment, however after they started to heal they were going to seem, incriminatingly, like a woman in ecstasy had shredded his flesh.

Remus ran a light finger over them, and was rewarded with a sharp intake of breath from Snape, followed by some low cursing.

" You are never going to believe what these scars are in the shape of. . ." said Lupin.

" What?" Snape demanded between his teeth.

" They are in the exact shape of a long quarrel over who you might know that has such loooong fingernails."

" Oh, no!" Snape groaned.

" Oh yes. But don't fret, you also have several cuts, gouges and bruises that make it seem as though you have already been in a quarrel, with about five or six fully armed gentlemen."

" Seven, and they were not gentlemen." Snape muttered.

Remus noticed that the ground was damp with sticky, drying blood, and imagined that the now torn Deatheater robes would be be soaked red, if it weren't for the black coloring.

" Why didn't you cast a bleeding charm?" he asked.

" I am a little woozy, thank you very much. If you had been of the receiving end of seven sets of Cruciatus, you wouldn't trust yourself to point a wand at your crotch."

" Point taken."

" And I don't want you to point your wand in that general vicinity in that direction either, so get that thought out of your feeble little mind. "

" I have something better than a wand with me." Remus gave Snape a slight smile, and rummaged in the pockets of his shabby clothes. He took out a container. . .made out a strange material. Snape eyed it suspiciously until he realized he was looking at ' plastic ', a Muggle chemical compound that was cheap, ugly and impractical. But of course. . .Lupin couldn't carry a silver flask, so the thermos must be a necessity.

" Campbells?'' Snape demanded, reading the red and white label on the container.

" It was a gift from one of Hermione's American cousins. " Remus explained. " ' Campbell's ' is a brand of

something. ''

" What is in the container?" Snape rolled his eyes impatiently.

" Whiskey. Drink some."

Snape obliged, welcoming the fiery liquid as it burned his throat and bloomed in his belly like a great red rose. He gulped down two more huge swallows, before Lupin could snatch the thermos away.

" Easy, I need the rest of it."

" How's Ginny?" Snape asked. As the whiskey helped cut through the haze caused by the hexes to his head.

" Worried to the point of distraction." Remus answered, looking about on the floor for something.

" I worried that she might have mmmph. . .. " Snape's words were cut off as Remus suddenly crammed a stick of wood in his mouth.

He glowered at him in shock, about to demand angrily what he thought he was doing. Remus took a breath of sip of the whiskey for courage, and before Snape could notice what he was doing he tipped the thermos and poured a measure of the fluid into the thigh wound.

He knew it was an extremely foolish thing to do, and he rapidly put a meter or two of space between himself and Snape as soo as he finished pouring.

It took a full second for the pain to trigger a response from Severus, who bit down hard on the dirty stick of wood, and gave a garbled cry that sounded a whole lot like;

'' Fucking hell, I'll kill you."

Snapes eyes watered and his vision danced as the pain shot from his leg right to his teeth. If he ever moved again, he was going to kill Lupin. No more threats. He was going to rip him his limbs off and pour whiskey on the bloody stumps.

Lupin, wisely sensed this tendency in his patient,and stood as far back as he could, waiting until the effect seemed to be wearing off somewhat. When Snape slumped forward, gasping for breath, Lupin darted behind him, and apologizing, he poured another cupful down Snape's back.

" I hate to have to do it, but believe me, it's the best thing in the world." he knew that sounded lame.

The whiskey met with the raw places on Severu's back, and though it stung, it was not as unbearable as the thigh wound. He could actually retain rational thought as he heard ripping sounds coming from somewhere to his left, where Lupin was standing safely out of reach, tearing strips of cloth off of his robes. He ran a basic cleaning spell over them, and made to walk toward Snape.

" Just what do you think you are doing?" Snape raised his wand from the ground.

" Bandages. . ." he held them up as if they were flags of truce.

" You are not bandaging me there.Hand them here." Snape held out a hand, and Lupin, not thinking of any trickery, walked close enough to loop them over Snape's outstretched palm.

When he got within range, Snape kicked out a foot and caught Lupin in the shins, sending the unsuspecting man toppling over backwards.

" What the hell was that for?" Remus demanded angrily.

" For not warning me!" Snape spat, not quite as venomously as he would have intended. The sight of Lupin's arms flailing helplessly before he fell flat on his bottom was doing as much as the whiskey to lighten his mood.

" Healer's say ' It's better if it's done fast like flying and sex'. "

" Like you would know.'' Snape muttered.

" Do you want me to bandage that?"

" No thank you, I'll handle it myself. Thank you."

" Well, at least Ginny can't blame me if you turn up impotent."

" Why don't you amuse yourself over there while I do this?" Snape cocked a brow at Remus. " I don't need a witness."

Lupin pinkened a little, not having meant to seem like he was staring.

" Whatever you say."

He walked about, examining the structure they were in, feeling of the rough timbers that held up the framework of Ginny's house. He had come here last night, but Snape hadn't been here; the rain had been torrential, and the men who had been building the house had had to quit, temporarily. It stood sad and unfinished now, waiting for the sun to dry out the ground around it.

He knew better than to ask Snape why he had been so viciously wounded, but he had to ask one thing.

" Have you heard what has happened?'

" Happened?" Snape was furiously tying the bandages around the wound.
" The Deatheater's? Killing Demetrius Gold?"

Snape paused and frowned at Lupin.

" What are you talking about?" he demanded.

Lupin gave him a brief account of the recent scandal, bluntly admitting that Snape was under suspicion of murder. The dark-haired man on the ground grimaced and covered his face. His head was swimming now in the glory of the alcohol he had overindulged in, and he was trying to recall if he had ever met Gold. Probably not. Gold was a Ministry spy, and the two didn't usually interact.

He most certainly hadn't turned him over to the Deatheater's but he had a sneaking suspicion, that judging by the horrific reception he had experienced at the dark revel yesterday. . .Demetrius Gold might have squealed on him. Probabaly weakened under torture and blurted out the first name he had thought of. Snape recalled that when he had been awarded the Order of Merlin for the creation of the better Wolfsbane potion, someone had overheard Gold mentioning that it was unfair. Was there a jealously there that he had been unaware of?

He would never know now. He couldn't think of that. . .he had to think of how to prove his innocence. And to protect Ginny! What if one of those filthy bastards learned about her? They could use her to get information from him, and he wasn't too sure he would be any stronger than Gold.

" Is Ginny safe?" He demanded suddenly, startling Remus.

" Yes. . .she is back at the Burrow. Someone from the Order has been there constantly. "

" She believes these lies?" he asked bitterly, imagining her recoiling in horror as he neared her.
" Hardly. Not Ginny, she is more upset that Dumbledore sequestered her in the house and wouldn't let her come find you herself."

" She wanted to?"

" He had to use a Restricting spell to stop her."

" What should I do now?"

" You should Apparate straight to Grimmauld Place. It is still the safest place. Then trust yourself to Dumbledore."

" I tried to Apparate last night. I Apparated to Canada, first, to throw them off, then I had to return here. I couldn't go to the Manor, I imagine they have already invaded it?"

" Nothing that can't be repaired. . ." Lupin reassured.

" Last night I tried to Apparate to Grimmauld, but I couldn't focus well enough. " he shook his head, and brushed away some invisible cobweb strands with his hands. " And thanks to that wicked brew, I don't think I'll be going anywhere now."

" Why didn't you make a Portkey?"

" Because, dummy. . .Voldemorte would be able to sense my magic. "

" Really? Well, how about I make a Portkey?"

" Portkey, Apparate, don't care." Snape's voice was slurring now.

'' I am not Apparating into a public place with you wrapped in my arms.' Lupin laughed. " Besides you need to redress yourself before we go anywhere."

He began searching for something to use as a suitable Portkey, while Snape fumbled with his trousers and robes.

There was nothing else of a suitable size so he cast the charm on the stick he had used to bit Snape's mouth earlier.

" Are you ready?" he asked, taking a handful of the other man's clothing into his fist.

" Yes. . .just try not to be jack-ass and land in a bog." Snape said in a rather light tone

Well, thought Remus, he is certainly a lot more likeable when he is sloshed. He cast a Scourgify charm over the ground, to clean up the blood, (no sense startling the work crew) and with a satisfied nod, he seized the Portkey, and closed his eyes as he was pulled through with a lurch, lugging the Potion's Master along.
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Twenty Ways to Catch a Weasley