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Learning Life Over	By : Meander Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 69712 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 17
- 18
- 19
My thanks for the reviews; I�m glad that the music scene in
the last chapter didn�t come off as too much like a flight of fancy. I�m always
a little hesitant to describe music in terms of visual images.

Chapter 18- Many Small Ideas

�� Thank
you,� Harry repeated, as he and Draco left Mrs. Parkinson�s house. He didn�t
know what else he could say that would express his gratitude to Draco for
taking him there. He�d gone up to the harpist and spoken to her, of course; he
would not have felt courteous if he hadn�t. But then, he would never have come
and heard her at all if it weren�t for Draco.

�� You�re
quite welcome, Harry.� Draco�s voice was quiet, and if it had a tone of
amusement in it, it was of a kind that Harry could live with. �I believe that
you�re thankful for it. You don�t need to keep repeating yourself.�

�� Harry
flushed and ducked his head, sliding his hands into the pockets of his robes.
He knew it probably wasn�t proper wizarding posture, but then, he�d never felt
that much at ease in formal situations. Most people who met him there seemed to
assume that a hero should know how to behave with proper politeness, and were
more than a little offended when exposed to Harry�s clumsy, human self. His
manners had improved out of sheer self-defense, but he knew he�d never truly be
up to the standards of a woman like Gardenia. That needed knowledge that, if
not inborn, had at least been trained into people like Draco and Pansy
Parkinson from birth.

�� His mood
darkened again, and he wondered if Draco had thought about this consequence of
being with him.

�� What is
it?� Draco hadn�t even looked at him, but Harry could hear the mild
exasperation in his tone. �What have you found to fret about now?�

�� Draco,�
Harry said, and tried to think how he could phrase it gently. Then he decided
that Draco hardly needed gentleness. He was the one who had kidnapped Harry out
of his comfortable life and into this one. He could deal with Harry�s honesty.
�Has it occurred to you that people aren�t going to think I�m good enough for
you?�

�� Draco
stopped dead and turned to face him. His face was astonished. Harry studied
him, and wondered why in the world this hadn�t occurred to him.

�� I would
say it would be the other way around,� Draco said. �People won�t think I�m good
enough for you, Harry.�

�� Harry shook
his head violently. �That might have been true nine or ten years ago, Draco,
but it�s not now,� he said. �You still have a privileged place in society, and
I- don�t.� He shrugged, unable to think of another way to express it. �I don�t
know how to behave. I�ll continually embarrass you. And I know that you value
social currency. Have you thought about what it�s going to cost you to be with
me?�

�� Draco
studied him in intent silence. Harry frowned back. He couldn�t believe
that Draco hadn�t anticipated this, but it seemed he truly hadn�t.

�� Why,
Harry,� Draco said, and his voice had gone back to a relaxed drawl. �Is that a
sign of concern that I see?�

�� Harry
flushed.

�� I think it
is,� Draco said. His smile was smug. �And I�m very glad to see it, mind. I
think Theresa is right. As you emerge from your isolated little shell, caring
for others is going to become second nature to you again.�

�� Harry
wanted to deny that, but he couldn�t. During the period of his life he supposed
was most �normal,� his years in Hogwarts, he�d cared deeply about Ron and
Hermione, and the Weasleys. His love might be limited, but it was deep.

�� The
problem, of course, was that he didn�t want to think of that period as normal,
and the rest of his life as a failure. He hadn�t had anything to do with his
rescue by the wizarding world; it was luck that he�d been born a wizard, and
his mother�s sacrifice that had made his name famous there. He hadn�t brought
himself out of the Dursleys� house, and he hadn�t brought himself out of
grieving for his friends as successfully as he�d once believed, either.

�� It was just
bloody infuriating. Even assuming that Theresa and Draco were right and
he needed to heal, why couldn�t he have figured that out and changed on his own?
Harry enjoyed being self-sufficient. He hated having to depend on others. Maybe
he could- care- for Draco, but being protected was-

�� Out of the
question,� he muttered.

�� What was
that?� Draco asked sharply.

�� Harry
started to answer, and then took in the curious gazes of the rest of the people
coming out of the conservatory. �Not here,� he said, and took Draco�s arm.
�Apparate us back inside Malfoy Manor. I have something to talk to you about.�

�� Draco gave
him a long, miffed look, but in the end, Side-Along Apparated him back through
the Manor�s wards. Harry closed his eyes and was glad, even though Side-Along
travel, as usual, made him sick to his stomach. He didn�t want to go through a
crisis in front of people he didn�t trust.

�� Which, of
course, led to the conclusion that he did trust Draco.

�� Harry
shoved that conclusion away violently. It was just too strange.

*

�� Draco had
no idea what had got Harry�s feathers all in a rustle, but he did know it
probably wasn�t a good idea to take them back inside four walls right now, not
when Harry had expressed an interest earlier in going outside. So he took them
to the Manor�s gardens, a part a long way from the bower where he�d first taken
Harry when he captured him. They landed in the middle of an orchard neatly
arranged as tended rows of apple trees, the grass between them cut short and
soft, magic invoking mingled seasons from them. Here and there ripe fruit hung;
here and there it ripened; here and there blossoms swayed on the stalks.

�� It had been
the right choice, Draco saw, when he let Harry�s arm go. Harry breathed in the
clean air and seemed to relax. The hand he raised to rake through his hair
shook only a little.

�� Now,� said
Draco. �Tell me.� Harry was the only person he knew who could go from
listening to harp music in an atmosphere as relaxed as the one inside
Gardenia�s conservatory to twitching with tension in three minutes flat.

�� I don�t
like that you had to rescue me,� said Harry sullenly, keeping his head bowed.
�I�ve accepted that you were right, by the way, so you can rejoice in that.� He
wandered towards a tree bright with fruit and plucked an apple, biting into it.
Draco thought it was more to have something to do than because he was hungry,
but even that was heartening, in its way. The Harry he�d learned through his
observation of the past few years would simply have plunged silently back into
more work, instead of seeking out food. �Something has to change. But why
couldn�t I have recognized that by myself, and done something about it by
myself?� His voice rang with wistfulness.

�� Draco
leaned on the tree next to him. This particular one had been his grandfather�s
pride and joy, to hear his mother tell of it. It stood taller than the others,
with brighter, crisper fruit. Draco picked an apple for himself, and closed his
eyes to savor the crunch and the tangy taste for a long moment before he
replied. �Why would you have wanted to do something about it by yourself?�

�� Because I
prefer not to owe people things.� Harry turned around and regarded him
solemnly over the top of his apple. His eyes were greener than the grass. Draco
knew that was a sort of soppy, wistful comparison, but he didn�t care; it was
true. �I owe you for helping me, and Theresa, too. I wish I didn�t.�

�� Draco
lowered his apple and took a long step forward. �If that�s the only thing you
feel for me, then this friendship will fail before it�s begun, Harry.�

�� Of course
it�s not the only thing.� Harry tossed his head the way he did when dismounting
from a broom. �You�re too exasperating for that. But it is something that I
wish wasn�t there. I wish I could have pulled myself out of this hole on my
own, and met you under better circumstances.� He stared down at the grass as if
it held the answers.

�� Draco
blinked. �So you would still have preferred to meet me than not?�

�� Harry froze
like a trapped rabbit. �I,� he said eloquently, and nothing else.

�� Draco took
a step towards him. Harry didn�t retreat. He just stood still, as if uncertain
what came next after admitting feelings of concern and friendship for someone
else. And God knew Draco didn�t want to press or rush him, not when this
confession by itself was a sign of Harry�s swiftly changing feelings.

�� But he
couldn�t keep from pursuing it, either. He was starting to think that Theresa
was wrong about Harry in at least one respect. She thought it would take him
months to change. But she�d never seen Harry in school, or, for that matter,
thought about what it meant that Harry had destroyed Voldemort inside a month
after the Weasley Massacre. When he went after something, he went after it with
his whole heart. Draco just hadn�t thought their connection would be one of
those things.

�� I don�t
consider you my debtor, Harry,� he said quietly. �Never that. My motives for
taking you were selfish, remember? The anger I feel towards you comes from your
stupidity in sinking your emotions and living like an automaton in the first
place. I�ll never demand that you do something because you owe it to me,
unless you give me your word that you will, like this bargain we have.�

�� Harry
stared at him. Draco stared back. They stared at each other. The silence
stretched, until Harry broke it with a shout that caused the apple blossoms to
sway and dance against each other.

�� Why?�

�� Why what?�
Draco took a bite of his apple to show how very startled he wasn�t, though his
heart was banging against his rib cage.

�� Why the
fuck do you care about me so much?� Harry sat down and wrapped his arms around
his head as though to shelter from the world. His words were muffled, but Draco
could understand them. �Why have you taken up this burden in the first place? I
don�t understand it. No one does this, Draco, just watches someone for two
years and then scoops him up and tries to heal him. You�re mad.�

�� Not so mad
as all that,� said Draco. �And as for why, I�ve questioned it enough times
since I became obsessed, and my mother and my friends did the same thing. The
answer is that there is no answer. I want you near me. I want to help you. I
want you, plain and simple.� He took another bite of his apple. By now, he�d
carved his way nearly to the core.

�� Harry shook
his head and looked up. �If Ron or Hermione was doing this, I�d know why,� he
said. �But not you. I don�t understand you.�

�� Draco sat
down across from him; Harry looked as though he�d panic and move away if Draco
came nearer. �Trying to understand it will stress you, and I can�t give you a
better answer than I have, not right now,� he said. �Isn�t it enough that I will
help you, and that you�re starting to be concerned about me in return?�

�� I can�t
help that,� Harry said as if it was a fault. �I don�t think that you really
know what you�re doing, Draco, what taking in the Hero of the Wizarding World
like a lost pet is going to do to your social life.� He spoke his title with a
sneer that made it obvious how much he hated it.

�� Draco felt
his shoulders relax. Yes, he�s worried about me. If he can�t admit it
easily, that�s his problem. But at least I can reassure him. That�s something
friends do for each other. �I know it perfectly well, Harry,� he said. �If
I wasn�t willing to risk this, I would never have snared you in the first
place. And if you did want social cachet, you would be surprised how many
people are willing to give you the time of day, once you make it clear that you
want it.�

�� Harry eyed
him sideways. �I don�t want it.�

�� Draco
debated letting that rest- he wasn�t Theresa- but he was curious about the
answer himself. �Why not?� he asked. �I understand that flattery and the rest
of it doesn�t appeal to you, but you didn�t want even honest gratitude. You
don�t seem to feel any pride that you saved the whole world, Harry.
Why?�

�� Harry
sighed and touched his scar. �Because it wasn�t me,� he said simply. �My
mother�s sacrifice protected me when I was a baby. Voldemort was after me at
all only because of a prophecy, and he didn�t even know the whole thing. So it
was all- coincidence. Chance. Fate, and accidents of fate.� He shrugged.
�Anyone could have been in my place. In fact, Neville Longbottom almost was.�

��

�� You have
to be lying,� Draco said, appalled, and took a bite of his apple. He felt
faint, and obviously needed food to revive him. Longbottom, the Hero of the
Wizarding World. No. He�s joking. So far as Draco was concerned, only Harry
belonged in that position; only Harry should occupy it.

�� I�m not.
We were both born at the end of July, and that�s all the part of the prophecy
that Voldemort overheard demanded.� Harry gave him an exhausted smile that
Draco suspected was a good deal more honest than the emotionless masks he�d
seen so much of. �You see? Accident. All of it. So much could have been
different. But it wasn�t.� He clenched one hand into a fist. �And now you�re
asking me to give up control of my life. Again. When I was sure that I�d
finally achieved it.�

�� Draco
fumbled for words. Finally, he said. �That kind of control isn�t worth having,
Harry.�

�� Maybe not,
maybe not next to what I had when the Weasleys were alive,� Harry murmured in
distraction, his hand sweeping the ground. His head was bowed, so Draco knew he
didn�t see the expression of exaltation Draco could feel taking over his own
features. He�s finally admitting it. �But it was the only thing worth
having when they were dead.�

�� Draco took
a deep breath. He didn�t like what he was about to do. It put part of
himself at risk, and there was no guarantee that he would get something in
return. He felt more comfortable being vulnerable with one of his Slytherin
friends, because there, his vulnerability was always calculated; he knew he was
taking a risk to earn a higher prize. He had no idea what Harry, Gryffindor but
in self-denial for the past decade, would do with his words.

�� And now?�
he asked. �Now that you have a chance at friendship and that higher good again?
Will you accept it, even though it is me and not the people you made
friends with in Hogwarts who�s offering?�

�� Harry�s
head snapped up, and his eyes locked with Draco�s in a moment of intense eye
contact that was also intensely uncomfortable. Draco kept himself from
wriggling by equally intense application of the lessons in poise he�d learned.
When he was sure that neither of them would turn away in embarrassment in the
next few moments, he extended his hand.

�� Memory
after memory rode that gesture- the way his father had taught him to greet
visiting dignitaries while he was still a child, the gesture Harry had rejected
when they were both eleven, the way he�d put out his left arm for Voldemort to
Mark. Draco didn�t let his hand shake and betray him, though. Those moments
were not this moment, and both Voldemort and his father were dead.

�� In front of
him was the man he was obsessed with, the man he thought he might fall in love
with if he had, and took, the chance.

�� Harry
studied him for moments that made Draco�s eyes ache and his hand long to
tremble with weariness. But he didn�t move. He just kept reaching, and finally
Harry�s hand rose and took his own.

�� From
Harry�s wistful smile, Draco knew that at least one of his memories was shared.
Then Harry nodded, and met his gaze again, and Draco could see that he was
scared out of his wits. But Harry had been a Gryffindor, and since then, a
trained Auror. Fear didn�t truly register.

�� All
right,� he whispered. �Let�s do this thing.� He jerked hard, standing in the
same moment, and Draco found himself on his feet. Harry leaned close, staring
into his eyes all the while.

�� Then he
whispered into Draco�s ear, �Your mother�s been watching us from the edge of
the garden for a few minutes.�

�� Draco kept
himself from stiffening with a supreme effort, and went with his second
instinct, laughing and shaking his head, as though Harry had made a joke. �How
did you see her?�

�� She�s not
that subtle compared to some Dark wizards I�ve tracked.� Harry tilted his head.
�Do you think she�ll try to separate us?�

�� Us.
Draco savored the word, though he had better sense than to show he was doing
it. �Probably,� he admitted. �She�s actively disapproved of my �chasing� you,
as she prefers to call it.�

�� Harry�s
eyes fired with determination, and Draco knew he�d said the exact right thing.
Harry himself had claimed that he did best when he had something to fight.

�� I say that
we don�t let that happen, Draco.� Harry leaned forward again. �How should we
fight her?�

�� Draco felt
as though the sunshine in the garden had entered his mind, which was soppy and
sentimental, but there he was, thinking in soppy and sentimental metaphors
while his Gryffindor friend asked for advice about defying his mother.

�� I have an
idea,� he began.

*

�� rebel_mistress:
I suspect both Harry and Draco would be reluctant to call anything between them
love, but I�ve deliberately left the depth of the emotions up in the air.

�� SLQ:
Interesting theory on Pansy�s parentage! I don�t know why Gardenia occurred to
me as that kind of character, other than the fact that I needed some sort of
accomplished society hostess to discover a musician who could affect Harry.

�� Theresa
thinks many, many things about Draco, but she is not being consulted to analyze
him, and Harry is quite challenge enough for a competent Healer.

�� purrfus:
Thank you! I hope you continue to enjoy it. And I forgive you for any implied
puns.
- 17
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- 19
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Learning Life Over