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Ceremonies of Strife	By : Lomonaaeren Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 16218 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, and I am making no money from this writing.

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Chapter Eighteen�Aftermath

�� But why
aren�t you and Malfoy sharing your rooms anymore?� Ron stood in the doorway of
his rooms, more flabbergasted than Harry had thought he would be, his arm
blocking the entrance. Harry wondered if Hermione was somewhere in there,
perhaps naked, and that was the reason Ron seemed so eager for him to get out.
Ron hadn�t stopped staring at the bruises on his face so far, but hadn�t asked
about them.

�� We had a
row,� Harry repeated uncomfortably. He wished he could say something else, but
the truth would make Ron and Hermione reject him in the same way as Draco had,
and Harry couldn�t�couldn�t take that right now. He needed someone to talk with, someone who wouldn�t look at him like he was
a monster.

�� What
about?� Ron was relentless.

�� Harry
sighed. It seemed he would have to tell the truth after all, because he didn�t
have a lie prepared, and that was essential when he wanted someone to actually believe his lies instead of tearing
through them like damp cloth.

�� It�s probably best that I should bear the
consequences. I don�t deserve to have people comfort me, not knowing what I
did.

�� Something
important,� he said. �Something we shouldn�t talk about in the corridors.� He
looked uneasily over his shoulder. It was strange, but ever since he had left
Arrowshot�s rooms, he had felt as though someone was following him, staring at
the back of his head with cold eyes. He�d cast every detection charm he could
think of, and they had shown him nothing, but he would still feel better if he
had private walls around him.

�� Ron took
the hint and let him in. Harry collapsed into one of the chairs and closed his
eyes, wondering if it would have been better if he had never fallen in love
with Draco, never left his best friend to move in with his lover.

�� Then he
shook his head. No, I still love him, and
my life is still richer for having known him.

�� Even if it�s not going to be much longer for
having known him.

�� What was
it?� Ron asked quietly from a short distance away. He sounded subdued and
impressed, as though something in Harry�s posture or expression had told him
how serious this was.

�� Harry
sighed and opened his eyes. �You know that I�ve always been sorry about
Sirius�s death,� he said. �And�others.� He thought it would probably be
suicidal to mention Fred to Ron right now.

�� Ron nodded.
His wrinkled forehead and half-squinted eyes said that he had no idea what was
coming next.

�� I wanted
to find some way to make up for their deaths,� Harry said. �I wanted�well, it
doesn�t matter anymore. It would sound stupid if I tried to excuse it. But I
found a necromancy book in that Death Eater cache we went through last term. I
started practicing some of the rituals, because I wanted to bring them back.�

�� Ron said
nothing. Harry looked up�and when had he glanced down at his own hands as if
they were the most fascinating things in creation, anyway?�to find Ron staring
at Harry with an expression of horror so complex that Harry didn�t think he
could understand all of it right now.

�� Mate,� Ron
said at last. �Nihil?�

�� I don�t
work for him,� Harry said. �I�m not like him. You can parade me in front of the
Fellowship and ask them to check my magical core for his infection, if you
want. But I did want to bring the dead back to make it up to them.�

�� Make what up to them?� Ron had risen to his
feet now and was pacing back and forth in front of his chair, as if this
revelation was too important to sit down through. �It�s not as though you did
anything but see them die.�

�� And not
even that, for some of them,� Harry muttered, thinking of Remus and Tonks. �But
you�re wrong about Sirius, Ron. He wouldn�t have died if I hadn�t thought it
was such a great idea to go to the Department of Mysteries. And as for the
others�I didn�t save them either, did I?�

�� But no one
says that you have to,� Ron said
helplessly. �That was just Daily Prophet rubbish,
all that nonsense about you being the Chosen One and how you should have saved
all the people in the war if you really were. They didn�t know about the
prophecy or the Horcruxes and how you worked through them. Why are you
listening to people like that?�

�� Harry tried
to smile. It was painful, as though he was using muscles that he had left to
atrophy for years. �If it started like that, it�s not that way now,� he said.
�The guilt is part of me, mate. I need to save people. I need to help them.
There�s nothing else that will make up for my mistakes.�

�� Ron
hesitated. Then he said, softly, �I never thought I�d say this. I�m not
Hermione. But you need to talk to a Mind-Healer.�

�� Harry
snorted. �We talked about that after the war, remember? And when I contacted
St. Mungo�s, we were reassured about privacy, and I was getting owls from the Daily Prophet not five minutes later.
Who would I be able to trust to keep quiet about this?�

�� Maybe
don�t tell them who you are?� Ron suggested helplessly. �Go in under a
glamour?�

�� Then I�d
have to lie,� Harry said. �And it would be worse than useless to try to get a
Mind-Healer to help me for someone else�s problems. Why waste the Galleons?�

�� He hoped
that would get a faint smile out of Ron, at least, but Ron just looked more
distressed. He ran his hand through his hair, paced in a circle, gave Harry a
look, and blurted out, �I don�t know what to do! I thought I was the official Harry-fixer, and now I don�t know
what to do.�

�� Offer me
shelter here, if you can,� Harry said quietly. �Draco doesn�t want me back, and
I don�t blame him.� He looked at his hands again.

�� Ron waited
for a long time. Harry didn�t know what he was thinking, and he didn�t look up
to try and find out. He needed these moments to breathe and get himself under
control. He knew he could master the pain and the anger and the helplessness�he
knew he shouldn�t do necromancy anymore, but what could he do to make it up to the dead if he didn�t do that?�and present a cheerful
face to the world. Or at least a neutral one. He had managed to do that when
people thought he was the Heir of Slytherin and when he lived with the Dursleys
and when he was in the Triwizard Tournament and a lot of people suspected him
of cheating to put his name in the Goblet. He could do it again.

�� But this time, I don�t know if it�ll end, he
thought dismally.

�� Then he
wanted to laugh at himself. Of course
it�ll end sometime. If Draco wants so much distance from you that you never get
back together, then you�ll recover from losing him just like you did from
losing Ginny. Pain doesn�t kill you.

�� But it sure aches while it lasts.

�� You can
stay here,� Ron said at last, �providing that you tell Hermione the truth about
what happened. She�s going to want to know.� He paused a minute. �And you�ll
have to put up with her lectures, too, you know.�

�� Surprised,
Harry looked up. He really hadn�t expected that many concessions for such a
small price. �And not yours?�

�� Ron
shrugged. His smile was wistful.

�� I would do
almost anything to have Fred back, too,� he said quietly. �I�ve had wild
dreams, and nightmares. I understand the temptation.� Then his face hardened.
�But you can�t do it anymore, mate.�

�� Understood.�
Harry reached out and clasped Ron�s hand, glad that he had someone who could
stand by him, and who was probably nosy enough that it wouldn�t be easy to go
back to necromancy.

�� Maybe he can even help me figure out what
the fuck I�m going to do about helping the dead and making up for my mistakes
now.

*

�� To say that
Draco was surprised when Granger knocked on his door was an understatement.

�� He looked
over her shoulder, expecting to see a cowering Harry, or a defiant one, or an
apologetic one. He had his responses prepared for all three. He was never going
to trust Harry again, so he would throw his apologies back in his teeth, and�

�� But Harry
wasn�t there. Granger just nodded and bustled in so efficiently that it took
Draco a moment to remember that he hadn�t actually invited her in.

�� He turned
around, and watched her gathering up Harry�s robes and books (minus the
necromancy one that Draco had found and burned) and rarely-used comb and other
things for a minute before he spoke.

�� Did he
tell you what happened?� Draco�s voice was brittle. He told himself that he
didn�t care, not when it was Granger. He wouldn�t have wanted to show a sign of
weakness like that in front of Harry.

�� Yes.�
Granger never paused from shrinking the things and tucking them into a trunk
beside her, which Draco could have sworn wasn�t there when she entered the
room. �And it was stupid of him��
only in the way her voice flicked that word like a lash did Draco hear how
angry she must be ��and you have every right to be angry.� She frowned for a
moment, as if trying to determine whether a dusty robe draped over a chair was
Harry�s, and then seemed to decide it was and cast a spell that made it rise
into the air, shaking all the dust off it at once with a complex snap.

�� Draco
waited. This was not at all like the confrontations he had anticipated between
himself and Harry�s friends. He had thought they would shout at him for
condemning Harry out of hand, and he would yell back, presenting evidence of
what he had done (because of course Harry wouldn�t have told his friends the
truth), and then they would turn on Harry and scold him together. And then�

�� Then what?

�� Draco had
to admit that his imagination hadn�t carried him that far.

�� Because it
felt stupid to be standing there in silence, he clenched one hand into a fist
and said, �What did Harry say about me?�

�� Only that
he�d broken your trust,� Granger said, �and that you�d bruised him, and that he
was sorry for it, and that you had the right to be angry.� She shut the trunk
lid and turned around as if expecting to walk out the door without giving him further
information.

�� And that�s
it?� Draco demanded. �He didn�t tell
you about the way he tried to defend himself?�

�� Granger
forced her teeth together and a large puff of air out her nostrils at the same
moment. �It was obvious how he intended to do that,� she said. �He was going on
about making up his mistakes to the dead. It�s pathological with him. I know he
was talking about that all through the last year before Auror training, reliving
the memories of the war and visiting his godson Teddy Lupin a lot. Teddy�s
parents both died in the war,� she added, as if she thought Draco might not
have known that. �And then he seemed to forget about it. Both Ron and I thought
he was getting over it. But I think the need was just slumbering, and when he
found what he thought was an opportunity to save them, he took it.�

�� A stupid opportunity,� Draco said.

�� Granger
glanced at him over her shoulder, eyes absent. �Hmmm? Oh, of course it was.
There�s nothing about his actions from beginning to end of this that hasn�t
been stupid.�

�� Again Draco
found himself off-balance, feeling as though Granger should have said something
more, something to prove that she�d absorbed the full force of Harry�s crime.
�And you believe him?� he asked.

�� Believe
what?� Granger tilted her head to the side. �He told me a lot of things that he
didn�t want to tell me. I yelled at him.� She grimaced then as if she�d bitten
into a rotten apple. �But yes, I�m satisfied that he�s telling the truth now.�

�� How can
you believe anything he says?� Draco
meant to fold his arms and look calm and composed, but he ended up clapping his
hands sharply together, his nails scraping, making a muffled sound. �He�s lied
about everything under the sun, and he�ll only lie about more if you�re stupid
enough to show you trust him.�

�� Granger put
a hand on her hip and studied him with a long, slow gaze that made Draco feel
as if he were the one being judged, instead of Harry. Then she shook her head
and adopted a patient smile.

�� I
understand why you feel like that,� she said. �Harry�s destroyed the love
affair that you had going, and that has to hurt.� Draco bridled against the tone,
but couldn�t think of anything to say that would be worth interrupting her
little parade of knowledge for. �But even you
believe some of the things he says. For example, you believed him when he said
he�d been lying to you up until this point, and you believed him when he said
he was using necromancy. I believe that, too, as well as other things. Some of
us are more practiced in the game of trust than I think you are, Malfoy.�

�� That is enormously condescending,� Draco said
through white lips.

�� I know.�
Granger extended one palm as if she was going to shake hands with him, then
pulled it back. �Sorry,� she added, with the first sign of embarrassment that
Draco had seen from her. �But it�s true. You have to accept some of what
Harry�s saying, or you might as well think that he did nothing wrong.�

�� What I
mean,� Draco said, deciding to haul the conversation back on track even if he
had to do it by main force, �is that you�re acting as though Harry�s sorry for
what he did, as if he means to stop using necromancy. How can you believe that?
If he went to such lengths to conceal it so far, he�s not likely to stop.�

�� Granger was
silent for some time, but Draco didn�t think she was thinking about his words.
She was looking for the best way to voice her disagreement, instead. Draco
struggled against the urge to snarl. Was there no one who would listen to his side of the story, and realize the
truth about him? Why should Harry be
the one with eager ears hearing his words, and the defensive champions?

�� I think
this was an odd situation,� Granger said at last. �The obsession with
necromancy arose suddenly, but it touched on an old set of feelings. He wanted
to do something to save the dead, but he�d had to put that desire aside because
it seemed impossible to achieve it. And now, he finally thought he could. But
he concealed it frantically, and that very fear implies that he knew it was
wrong.�

�� Not wrong
enough to stop,� Draco said, with bitterness that he couldn�t strangle.
�Despite what we�re fighting.�

�� For Harry,
actions differ with motive,� Granger said, giving Draco a curious look, as if
to ask whether they didn�t for him, too. �He wouldn�t see what he and Nihil
were doing as the same, because Nihil�as far as we know�is doing this for
revenge, and bringing back the dead as servants. Harry, from what he said to
me, really did want give the dead independent lives and new bodies, and then
set them free of him.�

�� It doesn�t
work that way.� Draco didn�t know how she could stand there being reasonable about it.

�� I know,�
Granger said. �And I think he was fighting against that realization all the
time. The world of delusion he built was extremely fragile, because at heart
Harry�s a good person and doesn�t like Dark magic. He�s been even more friendly
and obliging than usual these last few weeks. It was his way of making up for
what he was doing.� She snapped her fingers. �And now that delusion�s been
shattered like glass. There�s no way he can reconstruct it�unless he�s left
alone again.� Her eyes flashed. �And Ron and I don�t plan to do that any time
soon.�

�� All that
care for him,� Draco said. �And what about me?�

�� Granger blinked.
�Did you want me to come by and speak to you about it? I could. I just didn�t
realize that you would like��

�� No, damn
it!� Draco whirled away from her, ashamed that he was displaying so much
emotion, and conscious at the same time that there really wasn�t much he could
do to control it. �I want Harry to apologize.�

�� Another
pause, and again Draco had the infuriating certainty that she was thinking up
her disagreement instead of agreeing with him the way she should be. �Would
that help?� she asked finally. �Since you don�t believe anything Harry says
anyway, would you believe an apology if he made it?�

�� Draco�s
spine burned. He clenched his teeth and fought the urge to chew through his own
cheeks.

�� That
doesn�t matter,� he said. �He should still do it.�

�� He should
do it because it�s the right thing to do,� Granger said. �But I doubt you care
about that. You want it because it would help you. Or so you seem to be
claiming. But Harry also said that you told him you would never trust him again.
So why would this apology help?�

�� Draco
turned back to face him. �You�re very cool about this,� he said, �for what your
best friend was doing.�

�� This isn�t
the first illegal thing he�s done,� Granger said. �Or that we�ve helped him to
conceal. Yes, it�s horrible. Yes, I�m angry at him.� She said it the same way
she might have talked about her favorite kind of tea. �But yelling at him and
kicking sand in his face isn�t going to do any good. Staying with him and yelling at him if he tries to do it
again will.�

�� You sound
as if you blame me,� Draco said. He couldn�t speak about a whisper, but he
hoped she didn�t think that he was being tender to her or considerate of
Harry�s feelings because of that. He couldn�t speak up any more because he was
choked with rage.

�� I�m
sorry,� Granger said, which startled Draco more than anything that had happened
so far. �I don�t mean to sound that way. But it�s hard to explain what I mean.�
She thought again, her eyes turned inwards, and then added, �Besides, it sounds
like you have what you want already. Harry�s sorry, and his apology won�t make
it better because you don�t believe him. You don�t want to be partners with him
anymore; Harry told us that, which is why I�m here to take his things away in
the first place. What can he do that would make things better for you?�

�� Nothing,�
Draco said.

�� Well,
then, I don�t see how you can blame him for staying away,� Granger said, and
marched towards the door.

�� He doesn�t
care about me, does he?� Draco called after her. The words were practically
wrenched from his throat, even though he didn�t want them to be. He had hoped
that Harry�s friends would share his anger and be unable to forgive Harry; he
had not realized until now that he was counting
on it. �He would come here and apologize again if he did.�

�� Granger
glanced back at him with something that looked like pity, but couldn�t be,
because Draco refused to accept that. �You don�t really know Harry if you can
think that, Malfoy,� she said quietly. �He cares enough that he�ll find it hard
to forgive himself for hurting you�if he ever does. He doesn�t think his mistakes can be forgiven. And he
thinks that apologizing would you hurt you more. After all, you don�t want to
be partners, you don�t want to be friends, and you regret that you ever trusted
him. What can help that except for him to stay far away and not even try to
make things up, because the crime was too great? It would be an insult to you
and what he broke between you if he tried.�

�� The door
shut behind her.

�� Draco
stared at the wall and wished he could say that he wanted an apology and to see
Harry even if it wouldn�t help, even if it would hurt more, because�

�� He couldn�t
work out what should follow because.

*

�� Mate? Are
you all right?�

�� Harry shut
his eyes. He�d had another fit in the bathroom, this time showing him the
memory of seeing Remus�s and Tonks�s bodies in the Great Hall. He wasn�t even there when they died. He didn�t even know.

�� Yeah,� he
called at last, tentatively, and hauled himself to his feet. �Just started
brooding.�

�� An
understanding silence came from beyond the door. Ron seemed to think that
staring at the walls and thinking your own thoughts was natural after a
confrontation with an angry Hermione.

�� Harry
winced as he started to brush his teeth. Hermione had let him have it, and he
deserved every word of both hot anger and cold logic�which didn�t make it
easier to bear. And then she had started thinking of ways to help him instead,
and volunteered to go get his things, and Harry was reminded again of what good
friends they were to him.

�� But there�s nothing that can be done about
these fits.

�� Harry shook
his head at himself in the mirror. No escape, wherever he turned. No way to
make things up to the dead. No way to make the fits stop. No way to tell Ron
and Hermione the truth, because they would drive themselves mad, as they had
already tried to do, coming up with alternatives to Harry�s visiting a
Mind-Healer.

�� The best he
could do was to stay grateful to his friends, stay away from necromancy, and
remain alert for opportunities that would let him make things up to Draco from
a distance.

�� He glanced
at himself in the mirror once more and wondered if he was feeling self-pity, if
he should tell someone about the fits after all. But that would involve hurting
Ron and Hermione again, and probably Draco when he found out that it was
another thing Harry hadn�t told him.

�� And he
would hurt them if he stayed silent, too. Harry just didn�t see any way to win.

�� His
reflection changed and darkened. Harry blinked. He was probably tired and
letting his eyes droop shut.

�� But it was
hard to attribute the sight to his own tired gaze when the reflection wavered
into another face.

�� It was
Catherine Arrowshot�s face. She stared at him, looking almost as she had the
day she vanished, except that Harry had never seen her eyes so wide with
terrified appeal. She stretched a hand towards him, and Harry reached up to
take it without thinking.

�� His fingers
touched cold glass. Arrowshot vanished.

�� What
replaced her was a shimmering, slick golden haze that Harry had seen before.
Nihil wore such a shapeshifting glamour, or had on the day that Harry had seen
him meeting with the trainees and Arrowshot had disappeared.

�� Harry knew
he should fall back into a defensive crouch and draw his wand. But he was too
paralyzed by shock to do anything, as well as anger that Arrowshot might be
this�being�s�prisoner. He stood still and glared instead.

�� Interesting,�
said Nihil, in a voice that had half a dozen harmonics in the space of one
word, and his reflection disappeared, too. All Harry could see was the mirror
now, his face pale, the scar standing out, his eyes far too dark.

�� Harry shut
his eyes and rested his forehead against the glass.

�� Then he
went out, to tell Ron and Hermione about the vision, because staying silent
this time would hurt them more.

*

�� purple-er:
Thanks! Draco is not really ignoring Harry, but he doesn�t know what he wants
to happen, as you can see in this chapter.

�� Harry would
turn to necromancy again if left alone, but his friends won�t leave him alone.

�� Mehla
Seraphim: Ron has learned enough by now to know that he should wait and try to
figure out what�s going on.

�� MewMew2;
Thanks! Sometimes, with the level of frustration my versions of the characters
cause people, I�m amazed that anyone is still reading my stories!

�� SP777:
Harry�s sorry he hurt people. I think that�s the difference. He doesn�t really have
a very strong moral sense of why things are wrong in the abstract, I think; for
Harry, things like murder, torture, etc. are wrong because of the suffering
they cause, not because they go against any strictly defined code of
principles. I think Harry in canon is very like that as well.

�� I haven�t
started writing the next fic in the Fox and Wolf series yet.

�� I didn�t!
It may have gotten caught in my Spam filter, as lots of things have done
lately. I�ll check and see.

�� Dragons
Breath: Some of your questions are answered here, but the only other one I can
really answer is: Yes, Harry will stop, because the others won�t give him a
choice.

�� anciie: Try
and muddle through as best he can, and find solutions for everything.
- 17
- 18
- 19
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Ceremonies of Strife