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Sadness of Eros	By : LoupGarou1750 Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 7628 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: JK Rowling and her business associates own the world of Harry Potter. I make no money from this, nor anything else. The words 'The open palm of desire wants everything' are from the Paul Simon song 'Further to Fly'. He owns those.

Chapter List
- 17
- 18
Five Years Later

The engine of the huge black motorcycle roared as it rounded the turn and began the long climb up the hill. At the crest, Harry throttled it back and parked on the edge of the road. His breath caught at the familiar, beloved sight of the broad valley bright with wild flowers and the squat, white house nestled cosily against one edge of the dale's bowl. His legs were unsteady and his hands shook slightly as he dismounted the bike. Inside him, a sense of peace and hope warred with the fear of uncertainty. He needed some time to compose himself; once he began the slow descent, Snape would know he was here and he would appear foolish if he stopped after that.

Sitting cross-legged on the verge, Harry pulled a small thermos flask and a packet of sandwiches from his pockets and set them out in front of him. He didn't really have an appetite, but he knew he would later, and he hadn't liked to assume Snape would have a meal standing ready. As he slowly munched his sandwich, he took in the details of Snape's property. It had changed since he'd last seen it. Tall trees formed a protective half-circle around the house. The expanse of green that Harry knew to be a magical form of creeping moss was larger and greener than it had once been. As ever, smoke rolled out of the house's chimney in spite of the glorious weather. There was an overall impression of prosperity in the well-tended land, and that too was different than it once had been.

Sighing, feeling vaguely lost and out of place, Harry crumpled the waxed paper that had held his sandwiches into a ball and shoved it in his pocket. He uncapped the thermos and drank straight from the bottle. He could have happily stayed where he was all day, but that would have defeated the purpose of being there at all. With another deep sigh, he mounted the bike and started the motor. There was no reason to be nervous, he told himself.

As he jolted over the last bone-jarring rut – that at least hadn't changed – Harry could see Snape walk swiftly from the house to the verge. "Hullo," he said awkwardly as he throttled down the motor and rocked the bike onto its stand. He felt stupid and ridiculously shy.

"Harry." Snape nodded, his expression sombre, but with a slight twinkle in his eyes.

"Um–"

"Don't be an ass, Potter. Come here."

Absurdly near tears, Harry sank gratefully into Snape's embrace. He sniffled and wiped his eyes against Snape's shoulder before stepping back.

"You look...great, actually."

And Snape did. His once thin, sallow face had filled out and his skin boasted a much healthier olive hue; against it, the great beak of a nose seemed more in proportion. The ancient, filthy Barbour jacket had been replaced by a new one, and he was wearing trousers that fit entirely too well, in Harry's opinion. He looked like what he apparently was, a prosperous English landowner.

"You said things were going well, but I really had no idea." Harry made a sweeping gesture that encompassed the house and entire landscape. "You've painted the house, I see. No mould under the eaves." He gave a small, nervous laugh.

"Do you need help with anything?" Snape asked mildly. The good humour in his eyes had moved to his mouth which was curved in a small smile.

"Uh, maybe in a bit. I'd like to say hello first, you know, and maybe look around. Everything looks so different."

Snape nodded. "Five years allows for some significant changes. I want a beer," he said abruptly. "Memory being what it is, I am loath to offer you any, but I think under the circumstances, you may be allowed one. Only one, mind you."

Harry blushed and laughed. "Thanks. I'd like one."

Snape began walking back to the house and Harry simply stood and watched, enjoying the long stride and stubborn straightness of Snape's back. Halfway across the mossy lawn, Snape turned and held his wand to his throat. "Are you going to join me, or are you just going to stand there gawping?"

"I think I'll gawp, if you don't mind," Harry called out. "You're effin' gorgeous."

Snape rolled his eyes and continued on. Laughing, Harry hurried after him.

Later, after the beer and a rather frantic bout of what could only be termed 'necking' under the lush canopy of tropical trees in Snape's garden, as he was pulling T-shirts out of his rucksack and stowing them in a drawer, Harry turned and gave Snape a steady look. "Are you sure you're OK with this? Because I don't think I could stand," he paused as his voice broke slightly. "I don't want to be tossed out again. I don't think I could bear it."

Snape drew himself up to his full height and stared haughtily down his nose. "I reserve the right to forcibly evict you if you behave like the stupid, stubborn prat you were in the past."

"Oh. Well, I guess that's as good an offer as I'm likely to get." He flung himself at Snape and childishly burrowed his head against Snape's chest. "I've really missed you, you miserable sod."

Snape held him briefly and then pushed him away. "Don't get misty-eyed over me, Potter. It's pathetic. I said yes, and I meant it." His tone softened as he repeated, "I meant it."

"Good," Harry said. "Don't you forget it. Now, don't just stand there." Harry shoved a handful of pants into Snape's hands. "Help me unpack."

They worked in companionable silence for a few moments before Snape ventured, "What does your wife think of this arrangement?"

Harry turned and stared at him. "I haven't got a wife, as you bloody well know! I don't know how Ginny feels about it. I don't know whether the kids told her or not. I certainly didn't. I doubt she'd care anyway. Not any longer. She's moved on, new job – with the Wasps, I think I wrote you about that – new boyfriend and everything."

"You seem remarkably sanguine about it," Snape said, his bland tone at odds with the glitter in his eyes.

"I don't know what 'sanguine' means, but if you mean I'm OK with it, yeah, I am. I'm happy for her. Shit. If we're going to have this conversation, I think I want another beer. Please, Daddy? Just one?"

Snape raised an eyebrow. "If it's a beer you're wanting, laddie, that's not the way to go about it."

"Really?" Harry asked, leaning in and batting his eyes innocently. "And how exactly should I go about getting what I want?" He straightened up and laughed ruefully. "I've spent so long trying to make things not about me, I'm not sure it's actually OK to want things."

"It's not the wanting that was your problem, Harry," Snape responded severely. "It was the way you went about getting, and your expectation that if you wanted you automatically deserved to have." Snape smiled. "But, if what you want at this moment is to call me 'Daddy', I'm hardly likely to object. I would prefer we confined it to the bedroom, however."

"We're in the bedroom," Harry reminded him, his voice unusually hoarse.

"Wrong bedroom. Put those things down and come with me. If you want a beer, you'll have to earn it."

Sometime later, Snape helped Harry to his feet, pulling him onto the bed and into what Harry smugly recognised as a cuddle. "Your technique leaves quite a bit to be desired, but your enthusiasm was admirable."

Harry laughed. "I'm out of practice, you'll be happy to know."

Once again Snape quirked an eyebrow at him.

"It's been, uh–" Harry silently counted on his fingers, "–three years, four months, twenty-seven days. Give or take."

Snape laughed. "I'm surprised you don't have it down to hours. I never expected you to be celibate, Harry," he added seriously.

"I wasn't. Not at first. Threw myself into the bars with a vengeance. Pretty much went with anything in trousers. Trying to prove I was wanted, I guess. I mean, after all," he continued in a slightly accusatory tone, "I abandoned my wife and children for you, but you said it wasn't good enough. 'Live alone, learn about yourself, figure out what you really want,' you said. Well, what I wanted, what I thought I wanted, was raunchy sex and lots of it."

"And," Snape prompted as Harry fell silent.

"And once again, I was wrong. It wasn't what I wanted at all. Took a nasty dose to realise it. I had to be treated by a Muggle doctor. Didn't dare go to St Mungo's. I mean! I'm sure you saw the headlines in the Prophet when Ginny and I divorced. Can you imagine what they would have made of the Boy Who Lived with a bad case of the clap? Anyway, the doctor gave me a stern dressing down and somehow, it was what he said that finally got through to me, where you and Ginny hadn't. He gave me statistics, broke it down so I understood exactly how many people I'd fucked over by sharing my dose, and how many people they'd fuck over because I couldn't be arsed to keep my cock sheathed and my mouth closed. Jesus!" Harry ruffled his hair distractedly. "He pointed out how many kids on the street survive by peddling their arses, how many children I was responsible for infecting, hurting. It was horrible. And then every awful thing you, Ginny, Ron, Hermione, and Neville had said to me made sense. I saw it all in a new light, and I was ashamed."

"You should have been," Snape said. "You really behaved abominably to all concerned."

"Yeah, I did," Harry said, surprised and pleased that he didn't feel at all defensive at Snape's words. It was the simple truth, after all. "So I stopped. Stopped going to the bars and the parks. Became something of a hermit for a while. Occasionally, some bloke or bird I met through my business would show their interest, but I knew I'd just end up fucking them over as well, so I just politely told them no.

"I tried to say something to Ginny once, apologise for being such a shit, you know, but I think it was too soon, everything was still too raw for her. She told me to get fucked." Somewhat shamefaced, Harry laughed. "I wanted to argue with her, make her listen, but then I realised that's what I always did. I wanted her to listen to me, but I never bothered to really listen to her. Well, I heard her that time. She wanted me to go away and stay away, so I did. Honestly? I think it was harder to do that than to stay away from you." He searched Snape's face, wondering if that had been the wrong thing to say, but Snape simply nodded his understanding. "It was really hard, what with the kids and all, because I still had to see her regularly, but I did my best to be friendly and not too familiar. Yeah, it was hard."

"And you don't really care that she's moved on?" Snape's look was piercing.

"You mean do I care about her and Tony? 'S'fine with me. Truly. According to Al, James thinks he's an upperclass twit, but Al and Lily think he's all right. I don't care as long as he treats Ginny and the kids well. And by all accounts he does, so–"

"They're not kids any longer, are they?"

"Barely, I suppose, but it's hard to think of my kids as anything but. This is Lily's last year at Hogwarts. Time flies. Except when it doesn't. It's done both these past five years."

"And now what?"

"You have to ask? Well, there's moving in here, and I still have fences to mend. Then there're the kids. I've got no influence over James at all, and that's a problem, because I'm afraid he's headed in the wrong direction."

"Personally, I'm surprised he's not in Azkaban," Snape said drily.

Harry snorted. "He did spend part of a night in a Muggle jail once. Blasted his way out. Percy managed to keep it out of the papers. For Ginny's sake, of course, not mine. Anyway, I don't like the blokes he hangs out with these days. Entirely too much like Death Eater Youth in their ideas." Harry shook his head sadly. "Hard to think he could have that attitude, growing up with me and Ginny and the Weasleys. I suspect that's all down to me as well."

"You usually are to blame," Snape said, but he put his arm around Harry's shoulder and squeezed gently.

Harry grinned. "I am not trying to make James's problems all about me. I just think it started as his way of getting even with me for everything. Now, though...well, he's a man. Hopefully he'll start acting like one much younger than I did. At any rate, there's little I can do about it. I'm banking on Al getting through to him."

"How is Albus?"

"Good. He's good. Doesn't quite know what to do with himself. Which reminds me." Harry was a little worried about how this next bit of information would go over. "He's very interested in both Herbology and Potions. Took NEWTs in both," Harry said proudly. "I told him I'd ask you if you'd consider taking him on, like an apprentice, or something. Mind you, I didn't tell him you would, or even that I thought you might, only that I'd ask and I had no idea what you'd say. If the answer's no, he can always have a job in my company. We've got room for any number of bright young things. Research and development, you know."

"Have him spend the summer with us. I'll know well enough at summer's end if he's got any real talent."

"Seriously? The whole summer? That won't be too much for you? I mean, think about it, Snape. Two Potters, and only one of them marginally mature?"

"Idiot," Snape said affectionately. "I'm sure you'll improve under his example. Yes, he can come. We can devise a room for him in the attic, or build an addition to the shed, if you think he'd prefer his own quarters." Snape laughed. "Walter will be frightfully annoyed. He was always after me to do just that."

"How is Walter?" Harry asked, trying unsuccessfully to keep the irritation out of his voice.

Snape looked so grim, Harry squirmed uncomfortably, wishing he could call his words back. Then Snape laughed again. "Walter is fine. Proud father of four mewling brats." Snape shook his head. "I always knew deep down he was straight; he simply liked the money, and the freedom from his mam. Still, it's a horrible waste of a marvellous mouth."

"Bastard," Harry said, punching Snape's shoulder. "And because I know you're going to ask, Lily is fine. She's going to go to work for her Uncle George when she's out of school. She's a natural, same sense of humour." Harry rolled his eyes. "But, like Ginny, she barely speaks to me. I hold out hope she'll get over it eventually. It was harder on her than anyone, I think. She really just wanted her mummy and daddy to get back together again, and didn't understand why we didn't. She hates you with a passion, I might add. Thinks it's all your fault, you see? I have to admit I'd rather she thought it your fault than mine, no matter what the truth is," Harry said guiltily. "Pathetic, isn't it? Maybe I haven't changed much at all."

"If I didn't think you'd changed, you wouldn't be here. You do know that, don't you?"

Harry nodded.

"I can bear Lily's blame. It's actually not completely undeserved."

"Big of you to admit it." Harry smiled. "Do you think we could talk about something else? I feel as if I were doing penance on top of five years of penance."

"Oh," said Snape, banishing Harry's clothes with a flick of his wand, "you haven't even begun to pay for your sins."

~Fin.
- 17
- 18
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Sadness of Eros