Adult-FanFiction.org : Harry Potter

Let Love In	By : Kimmimaru Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Remus/Sirius Views: 3124 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any characters or settings by JK Rowling. I make no profit from this story.

Chapter List
- 17
- 18
- 19
A/N: Lily and James' deaths. Would very much appreciate any comments on Sirius' Worst Memory as I am unsure if I managed to capture the utter grief of losing a loved one...Thank you.

Chapter Eighteen: Halloween 1981

Sirius landed smoothly, kicking down the kickstand and hopping off of his bike. He found himself feeling excited about seeing his Godson and James and Lily. He turned, still smiling towards the cottage and froze.

What his eyes saw should have been impossible. The beautiful, neat little cottage that housed his friends, his only family shouldn't have had a great big chunk blown out of its side. It was impossible. His eyes were lying to him...weren't they? He took a step forward and stopped again. No, he wasn't seeing this. It was wrong. So...so completely wrong. Another step. Definitely some kind of elaborate, stupid prank of James's. Another step. Obviously someone had put up some kind of illusion to fool muggles, it was simply an elaborate spell to confuse Death Eaters. Another step. The gate was intact, swinging slightly in the breeze as he gazed at it. He was hallucinating, this was simply another massive drug trip. He stepped in through the gate, it swung shut behind him. Reluctantly he lifted his eyes up and up until they rested on the part of the building that had collapsed, the thatch had fallen in and covered the floor. Another step and another. He paused again. It was all so stupid! How could James play such a cruel prank on him? Another two steps and he reached the door which hung open on it's hinges, creaking ominously. This was a seriously good spell, it was even fooling him! Another step and he entered the small, cosy hallway. He stopped. Eyes glued to the floor. This was some seriously sick kind of joke, he realised after a moment that he wasn't breathing. He swallowed hard. Another step and he was inches from the corpse lying on the floor. His whole body tingled unpleasantly and he couldn't move another step. He swallowed again, wondering why the lump in his throat wouldn't go away. The world was wavery, it had an odd dream-like quality to it that made Sirius half convince himself that he was genuinely on a seriously horrendous bad trip, because the evidence of his eyes was impossible. Because James Potter could not be lying on the floor, glasses slightly skewed and gazing up at the ceiling blindly. Because James Potter was smiling when Sirius had last seen him. Because James Potter had been happy. Because James Potter was...

Dead.

The reality crashed into him, driving him to his knees, his fingers reached out searching automatically for purchase as his grief consumed him, tearing, shredding, shattering his soul into so many pieces. He gasped in a lungful of chill autumnal air, eyes wide and staring at a tiny glint of star light on his friend's glasses. And then, it ripped itself free of him and he screamed. He screamed for so long, so hard that his throat felt like it was breaking along with his mind. He grabbed handfuls of his hair, yanking it roughly as he sought to attempt to relieve some of his pain. He screamed loudly. He didn't think. He poured all his soul crushing agony into that single, piercing note until he fell onto his hands coughing and retching. Finally he sat there, on all fours, panting and gasping as his eyes took in the terrifying sight of his friend, lying dead in his own hallway, a look of surprise and fear etched into his eternally young face.

On the Thirty-First of October, 1981, James and Lily Potter were murdered by Lord Voldemort.

The only sound that managed to reach into his subconscious was the tiny, muffled noise of a child. Its pathetic sobs stirred something inside Sirius and he climbed to his feet, stumbling into the wall as dizziness overcame him. He shook his head and moved forward, tripping on the stairs but standing once again. Slowly he climbed the stairs and entered the hall way, he turned towards the cold air that came in through the bit of cottage that had been destroyed, he moved towards it and his eyes moved around the small room that had belonged to Harry. Lily lay in a crumpled heap at the foot of the crib, which was somehow miraculously intact. Her body was as still, as empty of life as James' but Sirius no longer had the will to scream so he moved slowly, each foot fall like the toll of a death knell. He saw the child, standing in his cot, gripping the bars and sobbing piteously. Those beautiful green eyes gazed back at him as he reached towards him, Sirius lifted the child into his arms and above his head he gazed long and hard at James' son. The miracle boy that had been born in a time of war and violence, the beautiful thing in his arms cried and Sirius realised he was bleeding, he drew him close, cradling him in his arms and used his sleeve to wipe away the blood. He saw an awful, lightening shaped wound on the child's forehead and he blinked down at it. This boy had survived...against all the odds this one child had somehow survived the Killing Curse.

Sirius numbly took Harry out of the collapsed room, down the stairs where he passed the body of his friend and out into the star lit night. "Hush..." He croaked as he held the child close to his chest, he realised that Harry was freezing cold so he took off his own jacket and wrapped the child in it, clutching him as if he were a lifeline before falling backwards into the grass of the Potters' front lawn. "I g-guess i-it's just you an' me now kid." He whispered, his voice made rough by his sore throat. He could hardly feel the tears that fell down his cheeks. He couldn't feel the cold, because he had become the cold. His heart was numb and he was shocked to discover it still beating, however, Harry was warm against his chest and he was unable to let the child go. He looked up at the sky and saw Canis Major, he stared at the Dog Star, wishing, wishing and wishing as hard he could for it to take it all back. He wished that he could have died in James's place; he wished he could go back and swap his life for those of his friends. He closed his eyes and wished for everything to simply end.

He rolled over onto his side, laying Harry next to him as he ran a finger down the child's face. Harry was asleep, his little hands grasping at something in his sleep. "Ya'know what?" Sirius whispered, curling himself protectively around the warm boy. "W-we'll...b-be a-alright..." he began sobbing, completely helpless in the face of this crushing grief. "Y-You an' me...a-against t-the w-world...J-James..." He closed his eyes tightly, speaking his name was too much. "H-He w-would've w-wanted...this...Harry. Harry...You're so small. You don't understand...h-how could you?" he closed his eyes, turning his face so he buried it into the crook of his arm and he let his desperate sobs shatter the silence of the night.

And that was how Hagrid found him; Curled around the small bundle of leather, sobbing like a child.

"Sirius?"

Sirius couldn't move, so he simply shook his head and moaned. "No..."

"'s t-true then?"

Sirius said nothing, the half-giant fell silent. There was a thump and Sirius heard Hagrid begin crying loudly, he half opened his own eyes and gazed at nothing.

"S-Sirius...D-Dumbledore s-sen' me ta g-get 'arry."

"Why?" Sirius asked through the thick fog that had settled over him, his voice was emotionless as he drew Harry's sleeping form closer to his body protectively. They would have to prize the child from his cold, dead fingers before he let him go anywhere.

"'C-cuz 'e's go' family Sirius. Tha' boy is special..."

"Don't tell me how special he is!" Sirius snapped furiously, Harry stirred in his arms and he shushed him gently, stroking hair from his face. "He's James' son! He is more special than anyone...a-anyone c-could..." He squeezed his eyes shut as a new wave of grief washed over him, obscuring his thoughts while he trembled. Half his face was pressed into the grass, it was cold and damp on his heated cheek but he didn't want to let Harry go. If he did he didn't know what would happen, but he knew it would mean bad, terrible things.

"Sirius...Dumbledore reckons..."

"I don't care!" Sirius shouted, his voice cracking. "I don't care! You can't take him from me! I'm his Godfather! J-James wanted...H-he wanted me to..." the tears seemed endless as he choked on his voice, unable to form a coherent sentence. Finally he managed to control his breathing. "Please...please, Hagrid...I'll do anything! Anything at all! Let me keep him! Don't...don't take him away from me! He's the only thing I have left! H-He's my only family!"

There was muffled sob as Hagrid tried to control his own tears. "'m sure you'd be able ter visit...I-I mean, He's only gunna be righ' round the corner...a-an' y-you're 'is Godfather...'e needs 'is family."

Sirius's eyes opened again, he gently stroked Harry's forehead as he thought about what life would be like for him if he tried to raise a baby. Like an agonising bolt of the most exquisite pain he realised that he wasn't in a fit state to raise a child, he couldn't do it. He had failed James. "I'm so sorry." He whispered. "It's all my fault...All my fault. F-forgive me...p-please..." He kissed Harry's forehead and slowly sat up.

Hagrid heard the soft, whispered words and something seemed to shift within him as he watched the young, handsome man stand, cradling the baby. As Hagrid looked into those silver, red-rimmed eyes he saw a darkness that made chills creep into his heafty bones. He felt chills of fear run up and down his spine as Sirius Black strode towards him, purposefully. "S-Sirius?" He asked nervously.

"Take him." Sirius replied, holding out the sleeping infant. "Take him to his family, it's where he belongs." Hagrid took the baby, he fit into his palm perfectly. Sirius took a deep, shuddery breath, straightening his back as his sharp eyes flicked back to Hagrids face. "Make sure he's protected, make sure he's looked after and loved! Promise me! Promise me he will be loved!"

"I-I..." Hagrid was confused by the change in the young man but he nodded dumbly.

"Take my bike...it'll get you to Dumbledore faster." With that Sirius drew out his wand, his eyes locked onto the small baby. He took a long, hard look at James' legacy before closing his eyes and spinning into crushing darkness.

That night Sirius returned to his flat, he worked quickly, his mind focussed on only one thing. He gathered up his most treasured possessions placing them all into a silver box and sealing it. He took it and walked out of his apartment, leaving everything behind as he strode out into the night. He buried the box by the Tomb of his family, compacting the earth down. His eyes landed on the inscription on the tomb and he read it slowly before a small, humourless and utterly deranged smile lit his face. Now, if he died, he would be buried with his brother...no body...just a small, silver trinket box of fond memories, memories of days long past...days when he was content to simply revolve around his sun.

But now his sun had gone out...gone with the blast of a supernova.

Sirius moved through the streets, eyes searching, searching desperately for him. He was hunting. His nose attuned to the scent of betrayal, to the scent of rat. London was busy, filled to bursting with muggles, who never spared him a glance as he moved quickly through them, he was basically invisible. As dawn touched the horizon he paused eyes moving around the streets, he thought he had caught a whiff of traitor...his eyes were cold, daggers of icy steel, his rage was as cold as ice and as deadly. As he searched the area he caught sight of it. A small man, plump and he reeked of terror. Sirius's grin resurfaced and he broke into a run, he pushed people aside, intent only upon his quarry. Wormtail dived around a corner and Sirius followed. The plump man didn't seem to realise he was being followed, until he heard the shout.

"PETTIGREW!"

He spun on his heels, cloak swirling around him and his watery blue eyes widened in gut wrenching fear. Sirius had his wand out, pointing directly at him, his face twisted in insane fury. His hair was picked up by the wind as he stood there, panting and a split second before he could open his mouth Peter spoke over his words...

"How could you do it?" He said clearly, gaining as much attention as he could.

Sirius's face fell slightly in confusion, but again, before he could speak, he was drowned out.

"They trusted you, Sirius! They trusted you and you betrayed them!" Peter licked his lips, he would only have a split seconds chance to time this correctly, and if he didn't he would die...because Sirius was going to murder him and nothing could stop him. "YOU BETRAYED THEM!" He screamed, watching Sirius's face contort with fury as he lifted his wand, his mouth formed the first word...

BANG!

Sirius was thrown off his feet, the explosion knocking sense from him. His wand flew from his fingers and he hit the concrete with a crunch. He gasped, winded and in pain. There were screams. So many screams. He blinked slowly up at the clear blue sky, his ears ringing horribly as he slowly climbed to his feet, he stumbled but regained his balance. Hot sticky blood coated his hands, his face and his white t-shirt was stained with it as he gazed around at the devastation. He could see corpses everywhere, body parts scattered like discarded toys all over the pavements and road. He stumbled forward again, still unable to hear due to the horrible ringing in his ears. He looked down into a crater and gazed at the finger lying in the centre. Something deep inside him snapped like a taught rubber band and he collapsed to his knees. He was unable to hear his own giggles, even as the giggles became full blown laughter...he rocked back on his heels laughing even as tears cascaded down his face. He laughed so hard his sides ached...because really, it was quite amusing. Peter had stolen his last chance at redemption...Peter had killed himself.

Moody gazed at the boy. He was so young, so young and so very, very disturbed. He sat in a pool of crimson before the massive crater and he rocked back and forth, laughing manically. There was a disturbing waver to his voice, it was harsh, cracked and demented. With a jerk of his head he gave the order to move in, his Auror's edged closer to the mad man, looking nervous but Sirius didn't fight back even as he was wrapped in ropes, his laughter died down eventually until he was sitting there, hiccoughing slightly as he gazed into space. Tears wouldn't stop pouring down his red cheeks, the blood there running so that it looked as if he was crying blood. Moody would have felt pity for him, he would have, but he was too old for pity. He would have felt something, but he had liked James and Lily Potter, they had been good people. He would have said something as they had lifted Black up and taken him away but the boy, however insane, deserved his punishment. And so, he lifted the boy's wand above his good knee and slammed it down, hard...it snapped with a small bang and a few pathetic seeming sparks...

Sirius watched them snap his wand through eyes that were still filling with tears even as his whole body went numb inside. He watched Moody hand the remnants to a subordinate before giving the order to have him held in the Ministry until his trial.

On the first of November 1981, Sirius Orion Black was arrested for the Betrayal of Lily and James Potter and the Murder of Peter Pettigrew and several unnamed Muggles.

Remus could only stare at Dumbledore. He was certain he had misheard him...surely...it couldn't be...impossible...

But it wasn't.

He saw their bodies. Lying in the grass beside their cottage as the sun rose on a new day, the sun that mocked them all. It was bright and yellow, hovering in the empty blue sky and Remus suddenly wished, for the first time in his life that the moon was full...that he was trapped in a room with the only person he had ever, ever actually wanted to kill...

Sirius Black.

Traitor.

Betrayer.

Worthless, lying, pathetic...coward!

Remus fell to his knees, right in the middle of the street and tipped his head back so that the cold sun could glitter off the tears on his cheeks. All he could see were James and Lily's smiling faces, all he could hear was their laughter...He choked and lowered his head, planting one hand firmly on the stone beneath him while his tears fell from his eyes and splattered on the floor. He could hear others, people crying, people screaming loudly, people murmuring about tragedies and sadness, some already speaking about Voldemorts death. And Remus couldn't care about any of it. The world had ended. It had turned black and withered and he no longer wanted anything to do with any humans. He hated them. They only caused pain. They betrayed. They lied. They left you alone, with nothing, nothing and nothing!

He stood slowly, wiping his sleeve across his eyes and composing himself with difficulty. "Remus?" He looked up at Dumbledore whose eyes were filled with his own grief. "Will you be alright?" Remus nodded, unable to speak, for fear he would scream. Dumbledore placed a consoling hand on his shoulder. "If you have nowhere else to go, dear boy, may I offer you a place at the school? We would welcome your skills in Defence Against the Dark Arts...?"

He found his voice, his hands clenching into fists at his sides. "I-I can't..." He muttered. "I really...really can't...I can't go back there...ever." He shook his head, swallowing the pain.

"I understand." Dumbledore said softly.

Remus's eyes moved to the two bodies lying on the floor. "L-let me...let me say goodbye..." He asked.

"Of course." Dumbledore watched the Werewolf walk stiffly to his two best friends and he stood over them, gazing down into their blank faces. Someone had closed their eyes for them so they looked as if they could have been sleeping. He watched Remus lower his head and step back. He turned and walked away from it all.

Remus walked away. He couldn't stand to be in the company of anyone anymore, there was no one, except Dumbledore, who he could trust. He couldn't even trust himself anymore. And so, he left. He faded off the map, hiding in different places across the country, working when he could, and when he couldn't he would live in abandoned buildings, feeling the rain drip down the back of his neck and think back...back to sunny days in Hogwarts when none of them really had to worry about who was going to die next or where the next attack would come from. He gazed into the past and felt the agony of his friends deaths, felt the exquisite pain when he pictured Sirius's smiling face and wished that he could tear it to shreds...he wished he could stop loving him!

Sirius assumed he would be put on trial, he had assumed he would get a chance to speak his piece...he was mistaken. The holding cell was tiny and he sat in a corner, his head resting on his knees as he silently mourned the destruction of his whole world.

When the Dementors came for him he tried to press himself into a corner, he was helpless...absolutely helpless against the freezing cold that seeped into his heart. He ended up sobbing, screaming incoherently as he was dragged from the cell and pulled through a corridor made by people. He was taken to a deep underground courtroom where he was chained into a chair, he sat still, head bowed, breath ragged as it was ripped from his aching chest.

"Sirius Orion Black, the Wizengamot has decided to sentence you to a lifetime in Azkaban for the murder of Peter Pettigrew and several Muggles. You will be shipped out tomorrow...there will be no chance of reprieve. The Wizengamot has spoken." Bartemis Crouch said clearly, slamming a hammer down onto a wooden block.

Sirius slowly lifted his eyes to the man stood on a dais above him, his breathing caught in his throat as he felt fury engulf him. "No! No! I didn't! I didn't! You can't do this!" he struggled violently as Dementors closed in around him, his wild, terrified eyes met those of Dumbledore's. They were hard and he shook his head, turning away...and Sirius felt despair empty him of his fighting spirit...He slumped in the chair, head low as tears slid down his face and freezing, scabbed hands closed on his arms. "Please..." he whispered as he was dragged out into the hall, where people hissed and spat insults at him as he passed. "Please...I didn't...I wouldn't..." His voice trailed off and he closed his eyes as hated screams filled his head...he fell into his haunted past and the darkness swamped him...

"Filthy Blood-traitor! You are no son of mine!"

"I hate you! Why won't you die?"

"Shall we see how much the blood-traitor can stand?"

"The Dark Lord would be pleased if we killed the little fucker..."

"No...don't kill him yet, I want to play..."

"Die? Dying would be too easy for the likes of you, you filthy traitor! Do you regret it? Do you regret staining this noble and ancient house with your disgusting opinions?"

"We are disappointed, you are the shame of your mother. I will no longer call you my son."

"You are hated, Sirius. No one loves you, no one ever will. You'll die alone and abandoned."

Sirius lay on his back in a cold, tiny cell. He stared blindly up at the ceiling as the roar of the sea joined the insane screams of his cell mates, he didn't flinch when someone began plucking at his robes curiously. He couldn't even find the strength in himself to brush them away. he chest rose and fell slowly, sometimes tears would fall from eyes he had thought were dry but obviously they weren't. He hadn't been there for that long, and finally he sat up and blinked around at his fellows who gazed at him through dark, dead eyes some of them smiling at him, revealing black teeth. Others simply sat curled in corners drooling on themselves as they twitched and one man Sirius was certain was actually dead. He looked down at himself and saw that he was wearing a plain grey robe; prison garb.

No one loves you, no one ever will. You'll die alone and abandoned

You'll die alone and abandoned

You'll die alone

Time had no place in the cold dark. Sirius curled up in a corner, resting his head on his knees as bars rattled around him, prisoners screamed, others burbled, others were silent. He shivered and wrapped his arms around himself, biting hard on his lip and trying to concentrate on something that didn't involve James's hazel eyes. Someone sat at his side, pulling at his hair and he ignored them, staring at a patch of floor as if he could bring them back to him just by looking.

You'll die alone

No one loves you

You'll die alone

Abandoned

The endless time passed. Sirius never spoke to his fellow prisoners and when they realised they weren't going get him to react they left him alone...until it was feeding time. At first Sirius never bothered, he slowly got thinner, his body devouring itself and he hoped that he would die. Then, one day he had a vision...it was so clear, so perfect it was as if some outside source had sent it to him. His eyes widened as he gazed at the wall, there he stood. Remus. He smiled, clutching a book in one hand and smiling, he lifted his hand and Sirius found himself reaching for it, his heart hammering in his chest but when his fingers reached Remus's the vision faded and was replaced by a man with scruffy hair, he was holding out a plate of some kind of un-nameable food to him and scratching his head. "Here, you gotta eat kid." He said placing the food on the floor, Sirius looked at him with lips slightly parted. "If you don't eat you'll get weak...and in here, the weak don't survive. Eat and make sure you don't make yourself a target for the predators."

Sirius swallowed and spoke, his voice coming out cracked and sounding nothing like him. "Thanks..." He muttered, pulling the plate closer. He used his fingers, in the absence of cutlery, to scoop the nasty smelling slop into his mouth. His stomach clenched painfully on the first few bites but eventually he realised just how fucking hungry he was. The man laughed as he watched Sirius devour the food, when he was done he wiped the back of his hand across his mouth and noticed that the man hadn't eaten anything. "I...uh...Was that yours?" he asked, feeling a twinge of guilt.

The man shrugged. "I'm old, kid, my time's nearly up...you're young and still have hope."

Sirius let out a bark of humourless laughter. "Hope? There is no hope."

"Ah, but there's always hope." The man nodded, stretching his legs out with a wince. "I saw it in your eyes, when you were reaching for me...I'm guessing it wasn't me you were seeing?" Sirius shook his head, leaning against the cold wall. "If there's someone who can make you look like that then you gotta hold onto it. Keep whatever you can away from the taint of the Dementors, because they'll strip you bare and leave you a slobberin' mass." Sirius nodded again. The old man let his gaze wander around the other prisoners. "What you in for?"

Sirius looked at him through pitch black hair. "Murder." He whispered.

"Ah, who'd ya kill?"

Sirius's smile was wonky, slightly mad. "My best mate, his wife...but the guy I wanted to kill...robbed me of that chance..."

"That's how it goes." The man shrugged. "The names Edger, Edger Allen." Sirius shook his hand absently.

"Sirius..." he paused and frowned. "Sirius Black." He whispered, closing his eyes.

"That explains a lot." The man nodded. "Insane family, yours."

"Tell me about it."

"Why did you kill your mate and his wife?"

"I...I gave them bad advice. I...I put my trust in the wrong person." Sirius lowered his head, hiding his grief from the man. "I told them...it was all my idea..." He muttered, covering his eyes with one hand.

"Sounds like you're tryin' to say you're innocent..." The Edger's voice was dubious.

"I am." Sirius said softly. "But...I'm not."

The man said no more and silence fell between them. They grew quite close to each other, the man taught Sirius how to survive the prisoners, and he learned that many were harmless but some would get violent at the slightest provocation, and these men would kill anyone with their bare hands for no other reason than that they had been walking past. Sirius became wise to the different types of prisoners, he learned quickly and Edger was quietly impressed at his willingness to survive.

One day, Edger watched Sirius sleep, he was twitching, moaning in his sleep, whispering names over and over:

Remus...James...Remus...James...

He never asked who these people were, he simply accepted that the boy, just like everyone else had a disturbed past. Sometimes he would wake up screaming as if he was being tortured, his eyes would be wide, unseeing and sparkle in the dim light from the heavy torches in the walls. Again, Edger did and said nothing, he concentrated on teaching this boy to survive, because if he didn't he would be forced to watch yet another young life be snuffed out by the darkness of the place.
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