Down On Your Knees

Tile: Down on Your Knees

Author: Exis* Exis_@hotmail.com

Pairing: Harry Potter/Severus Snape

Warnings: This fic will contain M/M sex....Gay sex. For those who don\'t like that, you should go away now. It will also highlight a love affair with a teacher so if that makes you unhappy, scram. I haven\'t finished writing it, but you should assume that it will have spoilers from ALL FOUR BOOKS.....if that displeases you, you can go away as well. My last warning is that this is my virgin slash fic, and my virgin Harry Potter fic. I haven\'t the slightest clue whether it\'s horrible, and I\'d like to pretend it\'s not....

Disclaimer: I don\'t own the characters, nor am I making any money off this. You know the drill, I won\'t elaborate.

Dedicated: To my Lovely Beta Tealish. Thanks for your patience, and your trust. And also to ALL THE RAVENCLAWS OUT THERE.......the greatest hero\'s go unnoticed...and also to the people who put me on their favorites list.....this is for you.......

Archive: Anywhere you want to....just mail me to let me know.

How does it feel when you\'re out on your own
And now it\'s too late to come home
And it\'s hard to be free when you\'re down on your knees
Take it easy till you make it alone



Chapter 18 \"To Come Home\"

The day broke, finding Harry asleep in a warm bed. Tossing gently, Harry rolled over and slowly opened his eyes. The lack of light in the room made it seem more like night than day, but Harry wasn’t fooled. Sitting up a little, he reached to the nightstand where he remembered throwing his glasses. Images of the previous evening tumbled through his mind, but as he slid the wire frames onto his face, he had a realization: he, in fact, was alone in this bed. The heat was from his own body, but both sides looked lain in. Severus had spent the night in this bed with him, but he wasn’t here now. The all too familiar taste of rejection flooded his senses, and he shakily threw the covers back.

Harry stumbled around in the dimness, searching out his forgotten clothing. He slid his boxers and his pants back on, pushing back the hurt that flooded his senses. He tugged on his socks and threw on his tennis shoes without bothering to tie them. Harry wasn’t concerned about aesthetics at this point; he just wanted to be as far away from this situation as he could get.

As he did up the buttons of his shirt he scoured his memory for any hint that he would once again be tossed aside. Maybe he has been pushing his luck, assuming that some simple words could turn Severus’s heart. Perhaps he had been too hasty in asking him to go to bed with him. All he could think about was the horrible feeling that he had thrown away the only thing that was really important to him anymore, and now he might never get another chance. Emotion welled up in his eyes again, and this time a few tears leaked down his chin. He pushed back on the sadness; he’d let himself deal with that when he had gotten out of these rooms. With shaking fingers, he turned the doorknob and walked into the sitting room to find the rest of his clothing and leave.

But it was not the clothing that got Harry’s attention when he walked out of the bedroom. This was because the sitting room was not empty, as he had expected. Instead, Severus was sitting on a chair looking at a cup of tea he held between his hands. An identical cup sat on the other side of the table. Severus’s eyes looked up at Harry appraisingly. Harry quickly reached up to brush the tears off his cheek, but his hands weren’t fast enough. Severus had seen them. Tentatively, Harry began to walk a little closer to Severus. Excuses and explanations began to whirl though his head.

“I thought you had--” Harry began, but he was cut off.

“You thought I had what?” Severus asked in a sharp tone. Harry felt guilt sink into his chest.

“I thought you had left me again,” Harry said quietly. “You weren’t there when I woke up.”

“And it escaped your reasoning that I might have been in the bathroom or getting breakfast or maybe even doing some work?”

Harry suddenly felt very foolish. He should have known better than to distrust this man. But something still felt fragile, and the silence made Harry’s nerves buzz.

“I’m sorry, I panicked...” Harry said quietly, slipping into a chair across from Severus and picking up his mug gently.

“Quite.” Severus said shortly, raising the glass to his lips. Harry mimicked the gesture, taking a sip of the warm orange liquid. Harry didn’t recognize the flavor of the tea, but he could feel its warmth and power weave through him as he sipped gently. Harry raised his eyes to look at the man who sat across from him. Severus looked old, and a strange somber energy pulsated from him. Guilt coursed through Harry again, making him shake gently. He had pushed Severus into this before he was ready, and now he was going to be sent away again, but perhaps more gently this time. The lack of sound seemed to echo around the walls, building as it went, and Harry could feel the pressure in his mind.

“So I suppose you’re going to tell me to leave now.” Harry said in a sad tone. His words interrupted Severus mid-sip, who moved the glass away from his lips and back to the table in a slow, even motion.

“I thought we had already gone over this,” Severus stated softly. His words were chosen carefully, and his face was guarded. He folded his hands on the table and turned his attention to Harry, whom he had been ignoring thus far.

“Look,” Harry started, getting the vague feeling that he was explaining something complicated to a child. “I can see you sitting there in thought, and we both know that you’re trying to come up with a polite way to tell me to get the hell out of here. You could have just let me leave...” Harry trailed off, his voice lowering and emotions welling up in his chest. Severus blinked slowly, watching Harry quietly work himself into a state. And for the first time, Severus considered how desperately afraid of rejection Harry was. Thinking back, Severus realized how poorly he had handled things with Harry, but that was the joy of hindsight. Sighing, he unclasped his hands and leaned back in his chair. In for a Knut, in for a Galleon.

“Actually,” he interjected, “I was not considering asking you to leave, but whether you would choose to stay.” His candor caught Harry by surprise, who instantly worked to settle his shakes.

“Haven’t I made it clear how much I--” Harry said, a little out of breath.

“You have,” Severus said quickly, not letting Harry finish his thought. “But you have not considered whether you feelings will be the same tomorrow.” Harry looked puzzled.

“Why would tomorrow be any different than today?” Harry asked, wishing he didn’t feel so naive in all of this. He supposed though, that feeling as such went with the territory of being around the Potions Master.

“Because today, just you, and I, and that pet werewolf of yours have any knowledge of this little affair. But, be it two hours from now, or two years, someone else is going to see something or hear something, and then the entire world is going to know. And then, my colleagues, my family, your friends, and your family are going to hear about this, and with them, the rest of the world. The fact remains that I am still old enough to be your father. The fact remains that as far as anyone else is concerned, I am a Death Eater, and you are a hero,” Severus explained, sneering the final word. “The question is not whether you are going to stick around today, but whether you’re going to stick around then.”

Harry felt his stomach churn. He could see the faces of his friends, and hear the front-page articles when they heard that he has chosen to date his ex-professor. And they both knew it was inevitable. They could postpone the truth for a little while, but not forever. Sooner or later, people would find out, and disapproval would probably look kind in the face of what they would receive. What struck Harry even harder though, was the look in Severus’s face. He was streaked with emotion, and this was obviously something he has thought about a great deal. But as terrible as the publicity would be, the answer was clear to Harry, and it spun out of his mouth.

“You know, when I was a kid, the Dursleys considered me sub-human. Then I became a wizard, and everyone looked at me like I was special, and powerful. And everyone, my teachers, my friends, everyone treated me like I was different. Everyone but you. You looked at me like I was just another person - like I was no better or worse than anyone else. I always thought you hated me, but I eventually figured out that you didn’t hate me, just by the way I was being worshiped.” Harry’s voice was small and quiet, and Severus managed to look bored and attentive at the same time.

“And your point...” Severus prompted

“My point is that everyone else sees me as some kind of a symbol. A hero, a freak, a savior, a scar, whatever. If me being with you distorts that image, it doesn’t matter, because they aren’t seeing the real me. They’re just changing their imagined ‘Harry Potter.’ Anyone who knows the real me knows that you’re good for me.” Harry smirked quietly, and Severus shifted in his chair. The words ‘that’s debatable’ hung on Severus’s lips, but he kept them in check.

“And those who don’t think that way...?” Severus continued patiently.

“They can go screw themselves,” Harry replied, and Severus smirked and rose from his chair to put his cup in the sink. With his back turned to Harry, he began to talk.

“You know, we’ll have to keep this discrete,” Severus replied, throwing away his last iota of resistance.

“What, you mean no making out at dinner?” Harry replied. Severus turned back towards Harry and scowled pointedly.

“I mean,” he said sharply, “That we’re going to have to keep the same behavior. Ignore one another, and avoide conversation. I suppose we won’t fool Lupin, but perhaps his silence can be persuaded.”

“He gets back tomorrow,” Harry said. “I’ll talk to him about it. There’s no point in keeping this a secret from him.” Severus nodded slightly and leaned back against the wall.

“We should probably tell Dumbledore, as he is sure to find out about it anyway, if he doesn’t know already. But for the time being, let’s just keep this quiet,” Severus said, blandly, but Harry felt warm regardless. They were having a serious discussion about their relationship, and for once it didn’t involve Severus telling him to get as far away as possible.

“As such,” Severus continued, “You will have to be rather careful about coming down here.”

“I am a pro at sneaking around this place,” Harry said brightly. “Even without my cloak.”

“I am well informed of that, but I want you to be especially cautious. We’ll have to come up with some kind of a system so I can let you know when I have a night free of intense brewing and correcting. I am afraid such nights are a rarity.”

Harry rose from his chair and walked towards where Severus was leaning. Harry felt so sickeningly happy that he didn’t know what to do. He fit his frame against the taller man, and Severus moved to mold into Harry.

“Well then,” Harry whispered seductively, “We should make good use of the time we have, shouldn’t we?” And a slow grin crawled across Harry’s face.

“I suppose we should,” Severus replied quietly, in awe of how Harry went from ready to walk out on him to ready to shag in less than ten minutes. But when Harry’s thin fingers reached up towards the buttons of his shirt, he decided to think less and touch more, and his lips descended toward Harry’s, playing against them gently. Wrapping his long arms around the shorter man, he raised his face just inches above Harry’s and looked deeply within the green eyes that had haunted his dreams.

“You know that I loathe you,” Severus said finally. “That I hate this... and how out of control I am whenever you are around. But it seems that whenever you are involved, I just can’t walk away.” Harry smirked lightly, and touched his lips to Severus’s gently.

“I know,” he said freely. “But sometimes what you want and what you need are separate things. Sometimes it’s not about love, but fate. And fate can have a funny sense of humor.” Harry smiled again, this time more brightly, and he took Severus’s hand and wound it with his. He began to walk towards the bedroom. Severus continued to stare down at him with intensity

“Besides,” Harry said. “Real love isn’t romance. It isn’t flowers and poems and long walks on the beach. Real love is not being able to live without the person, even if you would prefer to. Real love is fitting together... whether you like it or not.” Severus smirked down at Harry, and opened the bedroom door.

“I never said I love you,” Severus quipped as he walked in the room.

“You didn’t have to,” Harry replied, and shut the door behind him. And in that moment, Harry got the distinct impression that his clothes would find their way back to the position they had been in on the floor when Harry had first woken up. But Harry decided that it was okay. That’s really where they belonged after all.

Epilogue

Severus hurt everywhere. He was also impossibly tired, as he had been running without sleep for the past two weeks while he was giving final exams. Both he and Harry had been insanely busy, testing and correcting, and sleeping when they could find a spare moment. Due to the NEWTS and OWLS, they had not seen each another in two weeks. But yesterday, the maddening testing had ended, and they finally spent the night together. Needless to say, they celebrated rather exuberantly. But by combining the previous night’s activities with the exhaustion of the last few weeks, Severus looked, if possible, even more sallow and exhausted than normal. His skin drooped, and his eyes were fixed on the untouched breakfast on his plate.

It had been just over five months since he and Harry had decided to stop fighting the inevitable, and so far everything had gone smoothly. As they suspected, Remus knew right away, but proved more helpful than harmful. He acted as a go-between, helping them coordinate times to see one another and relaying messages. Severus suspected that the headmaster knew as well, but nothing had been said, so Severus felt no need to address the issue. To add to the pleasure of having a new lover and a year without Voldemort, it was also the end of the school year, and that meant a whole summer with Harry at his family estate. There would be no one but the house elves there, and they could finally relax and enjoy some of the time they had worked so hard for.

Severus heard the doors near the staff table swing open, and he turned to look at who was entering. He caught a brief glimpse of Harry, whom he had left sleeping until the second alarm, walk into the room. Severus turned his face away quickly, but then he looked back. He must have not seen right. He couldn’t possibly be wearing...

He was. Harry was wearing Severus’s Slytherin tee shirt. What did Harry think he was doing? Not only was he wearing a Slytherin shirt, he was wearing one that had Severus’s name on it. One of the outcast Slytherins in the year below him had made them in his seventh year for the members of the house in an attempt to get into their group. It hadn\'t worked, but Severus had kept the tee shirt anyway, though at this moment he couldn\'t remember why. But that still didn\'t answer the question as to why Harry was wearing it. Had he temporarily lost his mind? And before Severus could think up something cruel to say to stop the ideas that were certainly beginning to fester, he noticed that Harry was walking straight towards him. He was going to sit NEXT to him! This was something they agreed never to do! Walking terribly slowly, Harry took a seat next to Severus and winced as his ass hit the seat of the chair. Severus, of course, knew EXACTLY why Harry was wincing, but he hoped that the rest of the staff didn’t notice.

Severus sat perfectly still, his eyes fixed on what was going on. Harry was sitting next to him, with heavily lidded eyes. In fact, his eyes were barely even open. Severus saw Sirius start to slowly rise from his seat, and he could feel the eyes of the staff and the good portion of the students on them. Then Harry did the unthinkable. Slowly, he rose gently and placed one kiss on Severus’s cheek. His head crashed into his shoulder, and then he eventually sat down. Severus just stared at Harry, totally puzzled. Then he realized what was going on. However, it was too late.

“I couldn’t find my clothes,” Harry said, just loud enough for Minerva, who was sitting on Harry’s other side, to hear. “Had to borrow yours,” he mumbled into the table, and then proceeded to take Severus’s coffee cup and dribble it all down his front in an attempt to drink it. At this point, hurried whispers and giggles rang out from the students, and Severus just sat staring at the dark haired boy. Black looked like he was going to curse Severus into pieces, but luckily the headmaster was between them, and all he could do was glare. Remus threw puzzled looks at Severus while he tried to pull Sirius back into his chair. It was too late, the damage was done.

Not even thinking about the consequences, Severus griped Harry by the shoulder and yanked him out of his seat, spilling the remainder of the coffee. He quickly pulled him toward the door and out of the Great Hall. Holding Harry by both shoulders, he examined him before Harry’s head crashed into the hollow of his neck.

“Do you realize...” Severus began, but stopped. Harry was already asleep, and nothing he could say would do any good anyway. His mind boggled. Harry had actually sleepwalked into the Great Hall and kissed him in front of the entire school and faculty. It was like every nightmare he had ever had coming true all at the same time.

Severus leaned back against the stone wall and pulled Harry close as he dozed on his chest. There were no excuses for this, no possible way out. He and Harry would have some pretty interesting questions to answer when Harry woke up. After that, it was simply damage control.

Severus let his fingers slide idly through Harry’s hair and rubbed his temples. Five months ago he would have been terrified. Five months ago he would have been furious. But now... now he just felt tired. After all, they both knew people would find out eventually. But now that the entire wizarding world would be informed within twenty-four hours, Severus realized that he couldn’t care less. The only thing he cared about was currently drooling on him, totally unaware of the events he had just set into motion. But eventually he would wake up, and they would both have to deal with this. But right now... right now Severus would concentrate on finding Harry a clean shirt and a bed in which he could catch up on his sleep. And tomorrow they would deal with all the rest. But they would deal with it together, and that was what was important.

Severus hooked one arm under Harry’s knees, and gently picked him up and began to walk deeper within the castle. Harry was right; love wasn’t maudlin declarations and instant romance. Love was the frightening realization that life without this person was meaningless and dull. And, as Severus looked down at the boorish, snotty, bratty person he had managed to get stuck to, he couldn’t help but smirk at the irony of fate. Some things really made no sense at all; but then again, perhaps that was the point. Tomorrow would come, and he could face it. Not because he wanted to, but simply because he couldn’t walk away. And maybe he didn’t want to walk away, not now, not ever again. Fate was kind of funny like that.

The End

:::Authors Note:::

This is it folks....I am done. I have already started another HP/SS fic, as well as an HP/DM one as well. You can look for these at my usual haunts, and if anyone is REALLY interested email me and I\'ll link you. I am considering a sequel, but I am not sure whether I am doing that. Considering I have no plot and nothing aside a vauge notion, we will have to wait and see. This is Exis, signing off.