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Forgive Those Who Trespass	By : Lomonaaeren Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 20650 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Chapter Nineteen�This
Conversation

�� They came
out of the Pensieve with what felt like mud clinging to them, but which Harry
suspected was simply exhaustion and disgust. Harry sighed, rubbed his eyes, and
thought longingly of lying down to rest. But the Cognosco would keep him from that for another couple of hours, at
least.

�� And if I don�t muster up my nerve and talk
to Draco right now, I�ll have to talk myself into this all over again.

�� He released
the Sticking Charm on their feet and then turned to look at Draco, who was
regarding the Pensieve with a fixed stare. Harry felt his face soften. That
last set of memories seemed to have struck Draco more powerfully than the rest,
perhaps because he hadn�t delved as deeply into his own motivations for
torturing someone.

�� Hey,�
Harry said, and tapped Draco on the shoulder until he blinked and came back to
the fact that more than one person existed in the room. �Do you want the
memories back in your head? Or do you��

�� He paused,
because Draco had already started shaking his head and backing away from the
pillar. The revulsion on his face made Harry wince. He would have felt
something similar if it was him performing those actions. But this time, from
the way Draco hugged himself and looked away, Harry thought he probably didn�t
want the memories back at all.

�� You don�t
have to have them,� he said. �I can�t force them on you. And I don�t want to force them on you,� he had to
add, when Draco turned around and looked at him suspiciously.

�� Draco
lowered his eyes and nodded once, then simply folded up and sat down right in
the middle of the floor. He buried his head in his hands. Harry couldn�t hear
his breathing, of course, but he could see Draco�s back rising and falling steadily.
He was probably trying to calm himself the only way he knew how.

�� Or the only
way he believed was permissible, since Harry had rejected his last attempt to
reach out. Harry had thought he changed his mind with the way he�d clung for
safety and comfort in the Pensieve, but perhaps that was only the shock of the
moment. Back in the real world again, he would think it best to stay at a
distance.

�� Harry
winced again. Damn, I have a mess to
clean up. He wished he and Draco could speak mentally, not only because it
would clarify their interactions and Draco�s feelings, but because he could
have just delivered a dollop of his confusion and anguish and been done with
it.

�� A friendship isn�t supposed to be simple,
though. And neither is explaining why it can�t be more than friendship. Maybe. It
had been different with Ginny, because she knew that he would have been with
her if he could have, if it wasn�t for his body and mind stupidly deciding on
something they�d never consulted him about.

�� Harry
carefully did some deep breathing of his own, distancing himself from the
irritation and frustration he�d felt on discovering he was gay. He absolutely had to deal with Draco as Draco. It wasn�t fair�or accurate�to
cast him in Ginny�s shadow. Draco just happened to be the first gay man Harry
had met after finding out he was gay, and he had tried to depend on Harry only
because they were in an extraordinary situation. Harry really didn�t think he
would have reacted differently towards, say, Terry Boot or Dean Thomas, had
they turned out to be gay and tortured by the Unspeakables.

�� Draco,� he
said, and tried to be calm and quiet and firm all at once, the way Hermione had
sounded when she first sat him down to tell him �sexual orientation� wasn�t
something that he could make go away by wishing. Yeah, but maybe I can make it go away by starving it out. �I need
to apologize to you.�

�� It made
Harry feel awful to see the slow way Draco�s eyes emerged from behind the fall
of his hair, as if he were a wounded animal peering out of a hollow in the
trunk of a tree. It made him feel worried and agitated and restless and�

�� And
protective, yes. But the protectiveness could have nothing to do with sex. How to make Draco understand that and not
make him feel as if he were being put down, that was the problem.

�� I
didn�t�when you reached out to me the way you did in the tunnels before we came
to that torture chamber, I didn�t push you away because you�re you. Or because you�ve tortured people
in the past. I know you�ve changed, and you�re not that man anymore.� Harry
because aware that he was addressing his hands, not Draco, and that might make
Draco doubt him as less than sincere. He forced
himself to look up at the other man. And yes, it was forcing, because he
had never been great at apologizing. �Or because you�re ugly. Merlin, you�re
not ugly. And I know you�ve changed since our schooldays, so I�m not holding
the past against you. It�s just�� He paused and licked his lips, vaguely
surprised that Draco�s offended pride hadn�t yet stopped the discussion.

�� I think I was counting on it to do that
before now.

�� In this pause, though, Draco reached out
for the communication sphere and tapped the Why?
facet. The sound of his fingers lingering on that bit of colored glass matched
Harry�s heartbeat in volume.

�� It�s
just�� Harry shut his eyes. Maybe he was a coward, but he couldn�t do this
whilst looking at Draco. Draco could laugh all he liked; at least it wasn�t
aloud. �I found out I�m gay. And I don�t want to be. I really don�t want to be. I don�t want a sexual relationship with
any man, no matter who he is. And I thought that was what you were trying to
initiate. Maybe not,� he added, in fairness to Draco. He was the one obsessed with his sexual orientation. It would be
just like him to read some innocent interaction in gay terms. �I�m happy to
save your life and be your friend and try to start your healing. But dating
you�� He stopped again, because it seemed so absurd to talk about dating in the
middle of a maze built out of the Department of Mysteries for the purpose of
achieving immortality. �Or having sex with you, it would be wrong. For both of
us. For all sorts of reasons.�

�� Silence. Utter silence. Draco�s fingers hadn�t
even tapped on the glass again. Harry hoped that meant he was considering what
Harry had said, and seriously, too.

�� I hope we
can still be friends,� he finished, and opened his eyes.

�� Draco was
staring at him with his mouth hanging open. Harry blinked. Well, all right, I didn�t expect or predict that reaction.

�� Maybe Draco
hadn�t known he was gay, though. Harry had interpreted everything all wrong, or
Draco hadn�t thought he had a chance in hell of making Harry like him, and now Harry had confessed
everything for no good reason. Harry felt nausea build up in him, but he
couldn�t afford to vomit any more food, so he just held Draco�s gaze and waited
for the mockery to start. At least he knew all the sarcastic phrases on that
particular facet of the communication sphere already.

�� It took
long moments before Draco could close his mouth and tap Why?

�� Harry
wanted to object that the word could apply to just about everything he�d said,
and Draco would have to narrow it down. But he also knew that the objection
would make him look like an arsehole, so he chose to interpret it as a question
about his last statement.

�� Why would
it be wrong? Because you�re hurt. I
wouldn�t want to sleep with a man who�s in pain and suffering�both mentally and
physically.� Harry could hear his voice heating up, and hoped Draco would
understand the anger there wasn�t directed at him. �It would be wrong. You need other things so much
more than you need sex��

�� Draco gave
him a very direct look that required no translation.

�� Yes, well,
I�m certain sex would be nice, but
wouldn�t you rather have a competent Healer from St. Mungo�s at your side?�

�� The direct
look.

�� With some
Skele-Gro?�

�� The direct
look.

�� Harry threw
up his hands. �Bloody hell,� he said, and wished Ron was here to say it for him.
He did it better. �Well, the point is that we�re in danger of our lives right
now, and this is another complication we don�t need to add. And I don�t want a sexual relationship with a man.
I�m certain you�re a fine l-lover�� his tongue felt numb and far too big for
his mouth, and his cheeks were so hot they hurt ��but in this case, it doesn�t
matter, because I don�t want to sleep with a man. I just want to marry a woman
and have a family and a nice life.�

�� Why? Draco�s fingers insisted.

�� Because
being gay isn�t normal.�

�� In the line
of Draco�s body as he reared off the floor, Harry read a deadlier threat than
from many cobras.

�� I mean�no,
damn it.� Harry buried his head in his hands. �I meant, I didn�t mean to say
that it wasn�t normal for you. And there
are other people it�s normal for, I�m sure. But not me. I didn�t plan for my
life to turn out this way. I planned to marry Ginny. And that�s impossible for
right now, but I think it will change
if I can concentrate on it. I mean, so far I�ve been gay for a few months and
I�m not suffering, but when it turns out that I won�t let myself have sex with
men, I�ll have to go back to being
attracted to women, won�t I?�

�� He looked
up at a faint tapping, and saw Draco�s fingers traveling back and forth on the
insulting facets of the communication sphere so fast he couldn�t make out the
separate phrases. It was enough to know that Draco was calling him an idiot, a
git, a prat, and everything in between.

�� I know
that.� Harry folded his arms. �Hermione says the same thing.�

�� She�s right.

�� But it�s
my decision,� Harry countered stubbornly. �And it only affects me and the women I decide to date. I broke up with
Ginny because I wouldn�t lie to her. And if someone wanted to date me�someone I
want to date, too, I mean�then I�d certainly tell her I have this inconvenient
attraction to men. But I didn�t choose it.
It�s a fixation, and that�s all. So I don�t have to do whatever the fixation
tells me to.�

�� Draco let
the communication sphere hang in the air as he put his head in his hands. He
very deliberately shook it back and forth several times, and Harry saw his
fingers curl into his hair, as if he still had the nails to ruffle it. Then he
sat up like a spring and reached for the communication sphere again.

�� It doesn�t work like that.

�� Not for
you,� said Harry. �Not for other people who think they�re gay. But it will for
me.�

�� Why?

�� You use
that word more often than a two-year-old,� Harry said crossly.

�� Draco�s
unimpressed look speared him. Harry could reckon the meaning of it well enough:
You are acting like a two-year-old.

�� Because it
will,� said Harry. �Because I�m determined to carry it through. Because I won�t
let myself act on this fixation. Like
I said, I�m sure that being gay is fine for you and for other people. But not
me.�

�� Draco
simply watched him in silence for some moments, his face so blank that Harry
couldn�t tell what he was thinking. It was oddly disconcerting. Harry hadn�t
realized how much he�d come to rely on reading Draco�s face as part of their
silent speech.

�� Draco slid
closer on his knees, his gaze so intense it reminded Harry of the times he�d
laid a hand over Harry�s heart. Harry felt his cheeks flush even more, but he
held still. Pulling away from Draco wasn�t an option, not now, when he�d done
his best to explain himself and not sound like an imbecile.

�� Well, you failed in that, didn�t you? As you
fail at most things you try to do on your own.

�� Draco�s
hand cupped his cheek a moment later. Harry started. He�d delved too deep into
his thoughts, and neglected to realize that Draco hadn�t touched his heart
after all. He shook his head a little and reared back.

�� Look, I
told you��

�� The look on
Draco�s face effectively shut him up. It wasn�t blank any more, nor full of the
contempt that Harry was sure one �normally� gay man would direct at another who
wasn�t happy with himself. It wasn�t angry. It was simply appraising,
assessing, reading him as if Harry
were still light and their minds were flowing into one another�s.

�� And then
the same hopeful openness that Draco had shown back in the alcove appeared in
his eyes again.

�� Harry could
not comprehend the strength it must have taken Draco to offer himself like this,
after one rejection and Harry�s stumbling, inadequate explanation. He could
feel his breath coming faster, even as he grew angry and upset. This was manipulative! Draco had to know that
Harry wouldn�t feel able to reject him now!

�� Even though
he should. Because it was still
morally wrong, no matter what Draco thought, and it was wrong for Harry
personally.

�� And none of
that changed the fact that if Harry tried another rejection now, the guilt
would eat him alive.

�� He felt his
eyelids droop, and his throat utter a helpless sound, as if both those things
were motions his body made entirely independent of him. It would be nice to
think so. It would be nice to disclaim responsibility, too, for the hand that
traveled out and cupped the back of Draco�s head, lifting his hair and letting
it fall and trail between his fingers, fine and softer than Harry would have
expected of a tortured prisoner.

�� But that
one was all him. Harry knew it because he had thought, just a minute before, of
how nice it would feel to touch Draco�s hair.

�� And then he
wanted to feel the skin behind his right ear, and his wayward hand obliged.
Draco�s mouth opened in a soundless gasp when Harry touched it, and then his
eyes closed like a cat�s. He looked content
for the first time since Harry had encountered him at the end of the
corpse-chain. He leaned nearer, and Harry thought his head would fall on
Harry�s shoulder. That was fine. That was a position they�d maintained before,
with nothing untoward happening.

�� Draco,
though, halted his swaying and held himself upright, and his eyes opened fully
again, a steady gaze that knew what it wanted and what it demanded.

�� Harry
licked his lips. Draco looked at the
path of his tongue. Harry thought he should dislike that. Ginny�s reaction had
been to blush and lower her eyes, and Harry had been convinced that was the
height of erotic demonstrations.

�� But
this�but damn�but he had to think
about his plan to free Draco of the maze, which would only hurt him if Harry
allowed this to go forward�

�� But Draco
wanted this so badly. Needed it, probably. And Harry�s body was clamoring with
curiosity and the stupid attraction it had first manifested to men months ago.
So stupid. Why should he care what
another man�s mouth tasted like?

�� He could
smell Draco�s breath. It wasn�t awful. It seemed sweetly-scented, even though
he�d eaten that orange hours ago. Harry�s face felt so sensitive he was sure he
would squirm if Draco moved the hand cupping his cheek.

�� It wasn�t
will that made his head move forwards and his lips touch Draco�s, he told
himself. It was gravity, the weight of the situation. It was inevitability.

�� Draco
opened his mouth at once, and if he was surprised or simply delighted, Harry
had no idea, because no sounds of any kinds were coming out of him. He did know that Draco�s tongue and mouth
tasted different from Ginny�s. What they tasted like, he had no idea, because
he wasn�t good with poetic metaphors. But maybe it was orange, and maybe it was
desperation, and maybe it was male.

�� Harry�s
heart wanted to pound its way out of his chest. It was the level of excitement
that he usually experienced when he was about to actually fuck Ginny, not when he was only kissing her, and he whined
helplessly. It wasn�t fair that being gay felt
so good. That was a trick, he thought, something to lure him in. His body
would make this fixation tempting and good so he couldn�t resist, and then he
would find himself in the trap too late to climb out.

�� His hand
tugged on Draco�s hair. Draco angled his head to the side, taking control of
the kiss, and then he moved his hand up Harry�s jaw to his ear. Harry jerked
and whined again, feeling as if he�d fall over from that simple touch.

�� Draco closed
his eyes and leaned in, his fingers tracing the edge of Harry�s ear this time.
Harry shivered so hard that he nearly dislodged Draco�s touch. He could hurt the other man. If he was more
afraid than desiring, it was almost inevitable. And Draco had to know that, and
yet he didn�t care. He was making himself vulnerable.

�� And Harry
could not reject that gift.

�� But neither
could he allow this to go on. In another moment, he would be lost; he wasn�t
sure why he had regained his mental clarity, �� except
that he had looked at Draco�s face. It would be too late to say stop, and�

�� And they
needed to stop.

�� He pulled
his face away when Draco would have cupped the back of his neck, but gently,
slowly, so Draco couldn�t have any ridiculous ideas about Harry rejecting him
now. When Draco�s eyes flickered open and he tossed an inquiring glance in
Harry�s direction, Harry smiled and allowed honest words to emerge from his
mouth. �I never thought being gay was like that. Thank you.�

�� Draco�s
face flushed with pink warmth, but he held Harry�s eyes and waited for an
answer to his unspoken question all the same.

�� We can�t
do this here,� Harry whispered. �You�re
still hurt, and an enemy may come by at any moment. There are other ways that
lead partway through the maze. And do you remember the Unspeakables that came
up behind us last time we paused to rest? I do.� Draco�s face was clouding, but
his jaw was setting, too, which was probably a sign that he was about to be
stubborn. Harry put a hand on his shoulder to get his attention. �We�re just
not safe right now, no matter what we
do. Please, let�s wait for more than just kissing until we reach a place we can
actually defend.�

�� Draco
raised his eyebrows and stared steadily at Harry. Harry stared back, and hoped
Draco wouldn�t realize how terrified he was under his fa�ade of bravado; his
heart leaped and thumped dangerously. He hadn�t known�

�� He really
would succumb to these new sensations of pleasure and allow himself to give up
all thought of a normal life if this went on.

�� He had to
soothe Draco, show that he accepted him, and at the same time preserve his own
life separate from that. He wanted Draco�s friendship; he wanted to save him
and keep him comfortable and happy. And he still wanted children, and a partner
who, if she wasn�t Ginny, was like the wife he had sometimes dreamed of having
whilst he was fighting Voldemort. The only way Harry could think of to have
them both was to allow Draco a few liberties
right now, and say nothing about his future plans.

�� And besides, if there�s no way but the one I
dreamed up to free him from the maze, then I won�t be part of his life after we
leave the maze anyway.

�� Draco
reached for the communication sphere. Harry averted his gaze for just a moment,
until he could hear the sound of Draco tapping on the glass. If he kept staring
at Draco�s glistening, wet lips, he would kiss him again.

�� You like that, Draco said.

�� Yes, I do,�
Harry said, and his voice was hoarse with too much honesty. He winced. Shut up, shut up, he told himself, and
especially the part of his brain that had begun to wonder if his fantasies of
his future�a family and children�weren�t too limited after all, and whether he
wouldn�t rather have something like this.

�� You think I�m�And Draco glanced up from
the sphere with a swift shake of his head. They had no word for �normal,� but
the curl of his lip gave Harry no doubts over what was being referred to.

�� Yes, I do.�
Harry found it in him to smile. �Much more normal than I would have supposed,
before I tried it.�

�� Sheer
delight consumed Draco�s expression, but Harry had no idea why until he chose, You have never�from the sphere.

�� Harry
cleared his throat. �I�ve kissed plenty of women,� he said hotly. All right, two, but what difference does
number of partners make? The number of kisses is what ought to count. �But
you�re the first man I�ve kissed.�

�� Why?

�� Harry was
starting to resent the fact that each facet of the globe had to carry so much
information. Otherwise, he could have ripped out that little piece of glass and
flung it away. �Because I didn�t want it to be real. I hoped it would go away
if I waited.� He paused. �And I think I told you this already.�

�� And now?

�� Maybe it
won�t go away.�

�� Noble-minded coward, Draco said, but the
expression on his face was amiable. He no longer seemed to be drowning in the
horror and regret that had consumed him when they came out of the Pensieve.
Harry was relieved. This was what he wanted to see, that Draco had strength for
the journey ahead.

�� And if Harry
had to kiss him a few more times, touch his face and let Draco touch him, in
order to preserve that strength, it was not such a grand sacrifice. Hell, he
enjoyed it too.

�� But he
couldn�t let himself enjoy it so much
that he lost sight of his goal. Either he might have to give up his life to get
Draco out of the maze, or he and Draco would lead separate lives once they were
free. Harry couldn�t imagine the bond between them enduring once they had a
choice about who to associate with. Oh, everyone heard about whirlwind romances
and deep friendships created from experiencing a harrowing situation together;
what you didn�t hear about was their lasting.

�� No. He had
to also concentrate on convincing Draco that he was a good person and teaching
him how to stand on his own.

�� It was a
tall order, but, for once, Harry was not convinced that Ron or Hermione could
do it better. They had no experience in it, either, so far as he knew.

�� Gazing at
Draco�s happy face, he mused, I�ll just
have to do the best I can.

*

�� Off_the_deep-end,
serpensortia: Thanks for reviewing!

�� SoftObsidian74:
Well, Harry�s trying to get over himself, but pretty obviously still thinking
too hard.

�� Evalhanne:
Thank you!

�� Larien Miriel:
Thanks for reviewing!

�� Thrnbrooke:
I don�t know if Harry could have done a much better job with the explanation,
even given more time to prepare.

�� WeasleyWench:
Thanks! As you can see, it was both the stammering and the kissing.

�� Mangacat:
Go far enough into being convinced you�re doing good, and it�s very hard to
become convinced you�re doing wrong.

�� GreenEyedCat:
He may have made one person into liquid; he may not have done everything connected
with that torture.

�� Lilith:
Thanks!

�� QueenBoadicea:
Well, this chapter might have advanced things on both their parts a little bit.

�� Hi-chan:
Thanks! As for your question, I�m not sure I understand it. Harry rejected
Draco mostly because he didn�t think he could take being that open with a man
who wanted a sexual relationship with him.
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Forgive Those Who Trespass