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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24087 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

Chapter List
- 18
- 19
- 20
Lost and Damned

No One or Nothing Can Take This Away

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For the rest of the night and all day, Harry tried practicing Occlumency on his own. He wasn�t sure how well he was doing�There was no one around trying to get into his head. Not that he was aware of, but Harry was sure he�d notice. He�d had his brain invaded by Snape enough times to know what it felt like. Harry was hopeful that maybe he could accomplish something tonight in his lessons. There was nothing Harry was more worried about than Snape seeing last night�s dream. I love you. Harry heard himself say those words over and over again and wanted to shove his knife in his ear at one point, hoping to make it go away.
Harry had hoped his friends being back might help him somewhat, but their new lovey-dovey behavior had Harry�s mind on Snape�s and all of his strange dreams more and more. Harry was happy for Ron and Hermione and he was glad they were back, but it was hard to focus on that much. It was one thing for Snape to see his sexual fantasies about him, but there was something so much more intimate and personal about the dream Harry had had last night. Snape absolutely could not be allowed to see it�Harry would surely die of embarrassment and Harry did not need to give the man any more ammo to use against him when the two were angry at each other and hurling the worst insults they could find at one another.
Love�Did Harry love him? That seemed so silly�He was only fifteen years old. Snape was thirty five years old! He was his teacher and he was a spy and he had hated his father�Snape was an arse! It was bad enough Harry was fantasizing about him without adding real feelings into the mix. Especially something like love. That couldn�t be it�Someone must have slipped something into his dinner or something. It was just a dream, he reminded himself for the thousandth time. Just a dream.
�Headed towards yet another detention, Mr. Potter?�
Harry tensed up at the sound of that familiar girlish voice as he headed down to the dungeons that night. The footsteps were quiet, sounding closer together until the short, toad like woman came to his side. �Yeah, I�ve got it all year,� Harry reminded her.
Umbridge smiled. �Interesting�I will have to talk with the headmaster about this. The whole situation seems�most inappropriate.�
Harry swallowed hard. �Why is that?�
�A grown man alone with a young boy every night for the entire year?� Umbridge said. �Perhaps I should take the matter to the Minister of Magic�The sort of thing Dumbledore allows in this school��
�You just want there to be something wrong with my detentions so you can have me in detention,� Harry said, feeling a bit more brave with Umbridge now that Snape had secured him for the rest of the year. As long as he put a good effort in with Malfoy, Snape wasn�t going to hand him over to the cow.
�On the contrary, Mr. Potter. I only want what�s best for this school and it�s students,� Umbridge argued with a sweet smile. Harry wanted to punch her. �Perhaps I should oversee these detentions.�
No, that really wasn�t good. Umbridge did not need to know about Harry�s private lessons. Harry said nothing, half tempted to ask if that would be the next educational decree, but figured he didn�t need to give her the idea. She had too many plans for those, as it was.
�That won�t be necessary, Dolores�I�m afraid I need your assistance with something.�
Harry had to stop himself from grinning as Dumbledore approached them. Umbridge frowned. �But Headmaster--�
�Nonsense�Harry must serve his detention and it would not be fair to undermine the authority of other professors at this school,� Dumbledore said. �If you would be so kind, Dolores?�
�I--wh--�Of course,� Umbridge finally said, forcing herself to smile as she allowed herself to be led away by Dumbledore.
The man had amazing timing, Harry thought to himself. Would it be so wrong to hope Dumbledore could do a few spells or if Snape could make a potion to get all of those stupid educational decree ideas out of her head or even get her out of Hogwarts altogether. In his concern over what Umbridge could be cooking up, he nearly forgot his worry about this new lesson until he walked into Snape�s office.
The man was sitting behind his desk, not bothering to look up as the door opened. He had a quill in hand, quickly moving over parchment and quickly flipping them aside as he went on to grade the rest of the tests. �You made a P on your last Potions test,� Snape said, still not looking and still grading. Harry closed the door and stepped in, feeling a bit confused. They had lessons, didn�t they? �You�re also late.�
�Can�t be that late,� Harry argued, quickly checking his watch. Maybe by a few seconds, but of course the man would be so precise.
�Not that late is still late,� Snape said, finally reaching the last in the pile and seeming reluctant as he set them aside and looked up at him. �We shall practice in here today.�
�Oh�Okay,� Harry said, unable to help but feel a bit disappointed. They hadn�t done much practicing in his office in a while. Snape always found it more convenient to practice in his chambers where there was more room and more privacy. His first thought was that Umbridge had already come and already said something before Harry had run into her. Or maybe it had to do with last night�Harry frowned, remembering how awful Snape had looked. How tired, how hurt, covered in blood��You look better�sir.�
Snape glared at him, irritation flashing through his eyes as he stood up. �We will focus more on Occlumency today, Potter�You have shown a talent for Defense Against the Dark Arts, and the headmaster sees fit that we put most of our focus on Occlumency.�
Of course. The most important lesson was the one he was most terrified of.
�Ummm�Okay,� Harry said.
�Sir,� Snape said.
Harry blinked, confused momentarily before feeling disappointment and dread fill him. �Sir,� he added hesitantly.
�Legilimency!�
Aunt Petunia chasing him out of the house with her broom. Voldemort in the graveyard. His vision of Mr. Weasley. Reading Hermione�s letter from Christmas, feeling jealous of her and Ron finally getting together�His little daydream of telling his friends about getting together with Snape and spending Christmas with Snape�
Harry shoved with all of his might the moment he saw the memory coming back, but he felt panicked and found that more of the vision was coming up more easily instead of being able to hide it. He immediately crumpled to the floor when Snape suddenly pulled out. His heart was pounding hard enough to feel as though it was trying to escape his chest. He felt his neck and face heating up unbearably and he only dared a few glances at Snape who stood completely still and completely shocked. Harry opened his mouth, wanting to snap at the man for looking into such a personal memory or something, but all he did was let out a strangled sound before closing his mouth.
�Legilimens!�
Telling Hermione about his feelings for Snape. Ron and Hermione entering the common room, hand in hand, grinning happily. Watching Snape in class. Seeing Snape injured last night, feeling as afraid as he had the night he had seen Mr. Weasley�s attack. The dream that haunted him that night�Telling Snape he loved him�Spending all day, worrying over Snape seeing that memory�Running into Umbridge in the corridor�
Harry wanted to dig a hole in the floor and bury himself as Snape pulled out of his memories. This time he didn�t even dare a short glance up at the man. He could feel the man�s nearness and he hated it�He hated how much he wanted to get closer and how much he wanted more. He hate that Snape knew it�He hated that Snape had gotten access to so many personal memories of his�His deepest thoughts and dreams that terrified him. He hadn�t even figured out what it all meant yet and here Snape was looking through them all!
�I think you should leave, Potter�And don�t come back until you learn some control,�
Harry gritted his teeth and glared up at Snape. What, exactly, sir? My hormones? My emotions? Or this stupid, useless skill? �Control of what, exactly? Professor?�
�You�re not even trying.�
�What? You think I wanted you to see all of that?!�
�Quite frankly, yes!�
�You are insane,� Harry hissed, scrambling to his feet. �I�m not stupid enough to think that would get me anywhere!�
�You were stupid enough to kiss me.�
Harry felt a chill run through his body, every inch of him tensing up horribly. His mind was swept blank. He couldn�t think. He was furious and he was hurt and he wanted to do something to express that, though he had no idea what to do. After a moment he just shook his head and growled and stormed out of the office, taking pleasure in slamming the door as hard as he could behind him.

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Severus wanted to take points as Potter stormed out of his office. Twenty points for rudeness. Ten for leaving his office in such a manner. Fifty for slamming his door. Two hundred for his indecent thoughts. Ten for not coming up with a good remark. Severus swallowed the words back, though, and slowly walked back to his desk. He pulled towards him a stack of tests from seventh years and began his marking, losing himself to deep thoughts.
It was bad enough Potter was dreaming of having sex with him. Looking upon those fantasies made him feel dirty, as though he were being used or something. It was a strange feeling to have. There was something even more wrong about seeing Potter�s dreams of being in a relationship with him�Loving him. The child was insane! Severus shook his head. This was all wrong. He wanted nothing more than to drive the brat as far away as possible�He could make the child think lower of him than he thought of anyone. He could make him miserable�
But he couldn�t could he? Between Dumbledore and the Dark Lord, he was stuck with the boy. He had to play nice and get to know him and get close to him. That hadn�t helped matters so far, it had only made them worse! The idiot thought he was in love with him! Severus snorted and quickly counted all of the Xs he had made on Vaughn Guigen�s (a Ravenclaw�s) paper before scribbling an E on the top right corner. He dipped his quill into the inkpot and had to resist the urge to dig through the fifth year papers and scratch out the P he had given the boy and draw a huge T over the entire front parchment.
Potter was making life way too complicated.

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��and, you know�being�gay isn�t really common�Loads of people think it�s wrong--�
�Ronald!�
�Well it�s true! I didn�t say I thought it was wrong. It shocked me a bit and it�s still sort of weird--�
�Ron!�
�Well I don�t mean anything by it! I mean�You�re my best mate! I support you in whatever you do�I�m just saying that that�s how it is�Might also encourage you not to make a fuss about it. I can only imagine what the--Oh c�mon, Mione!� Ron exclaimed, cringing under the harsh glare of his girlfriend. �Harry knows I don�t mean anything by it, don�t you?�
�Yeah�No, it�s fine,� Harry assured them, quickly looking up from his homework in confusion. He was sitting in the Gryffindor common room with his best friends, the same place they always liked to sit together. They had parked themselves in those chairs by the fire right after the latest D.A. lesson and Harry had tried to get some work done on the Potions essay he had due tomorrow, having more incentive than ever to do well in that class. Besides, Ron and Hermione were normally too busy making him feel awkward in their new couple status for him to want to pay much attention. Harry hadn�t even noticed they were talking to him until he tuned into the word �gay.�
Harry had no idea why they had been on that subject, and he wasn�t sure if he should ask for clarification or not. He felt badly for not paying attention to them, even if they had to understand why. Most importantly, though, was what Ron had said. Being gay wasn�t accepted in the Wizarding World, apparently. It didn�t surprise Harry too much�It wasn�t completely tolerated in the Muggle world, either�At least that Harry had seen. He recalled plenty of nasty comments Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia, and Dudley made about seeing gay people on TV or even commenting on some fags they saw at the store one day. Their opinion hadn�t really come into Harry�s mind�They didn�t matter much. Ron and Hermione seemed fine with it�But this was the world he loved, the world he was a part of and lived in�And it was wrong here? Harry frowned and tried not to dwell on it too much. Maybe he wasn�t completely gay�Maybe if he was halfway straight, that would be acceptable?
�Well as I was saying�� Ron went on, shifting uncomfortably and glancing at Hermione nervously. �I heard that some bloke from Ravenclaw is gay, too! He�s in the D.A., I think�Right? Terry Boot?� he asked, glancing to Hermione.
�Yes, him,� Hermione said irritably. �Just because he�s gay doesn�t mean Harry will be interested in him!�
�Oh�Right,� Ron said, frowning. �It was just a thought�And maybe, you know�It would be good to have a friend who�s�Like that. Ya know?�
Oh, so that�s what this whole thing was about. Harry couldn�t help but to laugh. Hermione was right, though�Just because Terry was gay (if he was), didn�t mean Harry was going to fall in love with him or anything. He knew Terry better from the D.A. and honestly wasn�t attracted to him or anything. He was a decent guy and all, but Harry found he only really had eyes for one man these days.
�Oh, sp--� Hermione began, but her eyes grew wide and she blushed a bit, hesitating before continuing. �Ummm�You have lessons tonight, don�t you, Harry?� Hermione asked. Ron was giving her an odd look and turned to Harry, shrugging his shoulders. Harry shrugged, too, not sure what Hermione had been about to say, but he figured that whatever it was, it was good she didn�t say it.
�Yeah, you�re right,� Harry said, dread filling him as he reluctantly stood up. After their disastrous lesson last night, Harry wasn�t enthusiastic about returning. Snape was a right git and now that the man had seen all of those memories, Harry felt sort of embarrassed. Harry vowed to do better in Occlumency, though, hoping that improvements made in those lessons and in Potions might impress the man or at least make him stop being such a jerk�Or a the very least give him less things to insult Harry about.
He was going to have to find time to talk to Hermione about everything that had been happening, Harry thought to himself as he walked down the corridors. Between classes and Occlumency and Defense lessons, and D.A. lessons there was hardly much free time and considering Ron and Hermione were now dating, most of Hermione�s time spent not studying was enjoying her newfound relationship. Harry felt sort of bad about not confiding in Ron about everything, especially since it might have done him some good�He often times found himself alone with the two of them and would have had plenty of time tonight to talk about it, if he dared to. But Harry was still uncertain about telling Ron all of this, meaning it was going to take a bit before he could get to Hermione about it.
If things kept up this way, though, Harry was going to have to tell Ron eventually�He wasn�t sure he�d be able to keep it all in if everything continued in this manner.
Harry was lost in thought as he walked down to the dungeons, pulled out by several loud female voices echoing through the halls. �Draco! Come out! Please?! Dracoooo!�
Curiously, he passed by Snape�s office and walked towards the boy�s restroom where several girls stood outside, calling for Draco Malfoy to join them. Harry recognized the Greengrass sisters, Daphne and Astoria�Pansy Parkinson, Millicent Bulstrode, and Tracey Davis. Pansy was front and center, looking the most desperate to get in, while Daphne stood back shooting glares at her back.
�What do you think is wrong with him?�
�Nothing is wrong with him! He�s a Malfoy!� Pansy snapped, rolling her eyes.
�Ooh look, it�s Harry Potter!� Tracey Davis exclaimed, grinning wickedly as she turned to face him. Simultaneously, the heads of the other girls snapped in his direction. �What are you doing here, Potter?�
�I have Remedial Potions,� Harry answered automatically. �Needed to use the loo before I go in, though, if you don�t mind,� he said, pushing past them.
�Little Gryffindors shouldn�t be using Slytherin restrooms,� Millicent interjected.
�Well, that�s too damn bad,� Harry said, pulling the door open and thus shoving Pansy aside in the process. He quickly pulled the door shut before any of the girls could get a peak inside. He heard angry muttering from outside and a bit of clawing on the door before the girls resumed pleading with Malfoy to come out.
�You are more popular than I give you credit for, Malfoy,� Harry said jokingly, turning to see where Malfoy was. The other boy stood by the sinks, his hands gripping the sides of the sink harshly while he glared into his reflection.
�Starting not to like it too much, myself,� Malfoy said.
Harry just stood there, not knowing what to do and almost regretting walking in here. Malfoy seemed upset�Really upset. He was pale and his usually sleek blond hair was a mess. His silvery gray eyes were bloodshot and puffy and his cheeks were blotchy and it almost seemed as though he had been crying. But that couldn�t be right, could it?
�How are things with my godfather?� Malfoy asked, his voice quiet and hoarse.
�Erm�No worse than usual,� Harry replied, hesitantly walking closer to the boy. Malfoy just bowed his head, but did nothing to discourage Harry�s closeness. Harry stood at the sink beside Malfoy�s and leaned back against it, keeping his eyes on the stalls and the urinals and the wall, looking everywhere but at the Slytherin beside him. �I had a dream�Told him I loved him.�
Malfoy laughed. It sounded weak and half forced and somehow Harry found himself relaxing at the sound. He wasn�t sure why he was telling Malfoy this, but he needed to tell someone and Malfoy was the only other person who knew anything about his feelings for Snape. �Do you?�
�Hmm?�
�Are you in love with him?�
�I�don�t think I know,� Harry replied honestly. �I don�t want to know. It�s just�It�s nuts!�
�Yeah�It is,� Malfoy agreed, laughing shakily. �Feeling pretty nuts myself right about now.�
Harry raised his eyebrow and dared himself to look at the other boy. He didn�t look nearly so haughty as he almost always did. He didn�t even seem to have the energy to pretend he was okay anymore. Harry opened his mouth, wanting to ask what was wrong, but forcing himself to close his mouth. He doubted Malfoy would say anything and would probably sober up the moment Harry brought it up. The least Harry could do was try to provide some comfort without making a show of it�He wasn�t so sure if being here was enough of a comfort, but Harry knew that most of the time it helped to have someone around, even if they weren�t talking.
Green eyes returned to the wall ahead of him and only a moment later he noticed something coming his way. Reflexively he caught the paper ball as it hit his chest, before it had a chance to fall from the ground. It had come from Malfoy�s direction, but when he looked at the boy, he was gripping the sink tighter, his jaw trembling as he lowered his head further. Harry swallowed and glanced down at the balled up parchment in his hands, hesitantly undoing it and glancing at Malfoy now and then as he did so. The boy made no change in position and finally when it was straight again (or as straight as it would ever get again in its condition), Harry began reading the curly, unfamiliar handwriting that took several glanced to decipher.
Dear Draco,
I wish you had not left home so abruptly. Your mother is heartbroken that you chose to abandon us so early for your school friends. You know how she misses you and worries about you. I was almost afraid she would suspect something, but she luckily hasn�t. We couldn�t break your mother�s heart that way, could we? I love your mother dearly, Draco, and I know you feel the same way. I know you would never intentionally hurt her.
This would hurt her, though. You must know that. She can never know. I do not doubt your mother would die of the heartache. She loves us both very much and it pains me dearly that I cannot properly love her the way a husband should his wife. My desires are unnatural�sick and twisted, as your godfather has called it. My own father might have strangled me, had he known of my preference for the male body. It is our secret, isn�t it, my dragon? You wouldn�t dare breathe this truth to anyone, would you? Not knowing the damage it could do to this family.
Homosexuality is wrong. Everyone knows that. I tried for many years to please that side of me and many more years shortly after your birth to deny it. You cannot understand what it was like, my son, to hide such an important part of me. To deny myself the thing I began to crave more than anything. Have no doubts that your mother is a beautiful and wonderful witch. Any man would be lucky to have her and we are very blessed men to call her ours. As lovely as Narcissa is, she is unable to give me what I need. That is why I come to you, my Draco. My beautiful, clever son.
I�ve been thinking about you, missing you ever since you left. I had waited a long time to have you in my arms again. Our summer together was a perfect one and it was torture going so long without your body. Yet you leave midway through the break? I am very disappointed. You have no idea how desirable you are, do you? I miss the feel of your soft, pale flesh and your soft, full lips against mine. I miss holding you against me and I miss being able to tell you how perfect you are and how much I love you.
I do love you, Draco. You are my son and the most beautiful lover I have ever been blessed to bed. I know your godfather has much to say on the subject, but you shouldn�t listen to him. We both know how sinful our actions are, but we have already crossed that line and there is no reason to refuse ourselves that spectacular pleasure. I do hope you will come to us for Easter break. I miss you terribly and you know your mother will be devastated if you do not come to see us.
Love,
Your Father
Harry�s hands were shaking as he reached the end of the letter, his stomach churning in revulsion. There was a second piece of parchment beneath and Harry pulled it out. This note was hastily written scribble that was even harder to read and far less formal than the former.
I am deeply sorry for the last letter I wrote to you. It was wrong of me. I am so sorry, my Draco. I am a horrible father. Horrible. Please forgive me. I do love you. You are my only son and I�ve been hurting you and I hate myself for that. I won�t touch you again, I promise. I swear it. I am so deeply remorseful. Please write back soon. At least for your mother�s sake.
�Uhh�� Harry said, uncertainly folding the parchment and setting it in the sink behind him, not entirely sure Malfoy would want them back. Malfoy made no move to take them. He stood there, shaking lightly and without thinking about it, Harry reached out to put a hand on his back. Malfoy tensed up horribly and Harry almost drew his hand back, but Malfoy relaxed under his touch and laughed quietly. �He�s said that before, you know. That he�d stop.�
Harry swallowed hard, feeling like he should say something. How could he respond to that? This boy who he had hated for years�his father was raping him and sending him awful letters trying to guilt him into continuing an incestuous affair and begging forgiveness and claiming that he was alright��Yeah,� Harry said, frowning. �Erm�You ever try�umm�castrating him or something? I�m sure there�s got to be something like that�or an anti aphrodisiac or�something,� Harry finished lamely.
�He�s my father,� Malfoy whispered, his voice so full of pain and desperation that Harry felt his heart breaking for him.
�I know,� Harry mumbled. �Th�There�s nothing--?�
�Move away! Stop loitering in the corridors! You should know better. Do not make me take points from my own house!� Snape�s voice was shouting from outside the door. Malfoy jumped and straightened up and Harry quickly snatched his hand back as the door burst open.
�Draco�Potter,� Snape said. He glared at Harry for a moment before turning a more concerned and troubled gaze towards Malfoy.
Without a word, Malfoy fled, pushing right past Snape. The sound of his footsteps seemed to echo. �Draco!� Snape called after him, sweeping out into the hall. Harry made to follow but stopped and grabbed the letters first. They were certainly nothing anyone else needed to get a hold of. He was surprised to find himself nearly running into Snape as he left the bathroom.
�Potter--� Snape began, a low and dangerous tone in his voice, but Harry quickly shoved the letters into his arms and folded his own trembling arms over his chest. Eying him carefully, Snape unfolded the parchment and quickly read over the content.
�I don�t think I can do this, Professor�I didn�t know what to say to him when he showed me�I don�t know what to do�I don�t think�I just�I want to help, but I don�t know�� Harry found himself babbling, watching Snape closely as the man read over the letters, fury blazing in his black eyes as he finished, crumpling the parchment into his hands.
�I�should kill�him,� Snape growled.
Harry frowned. He was inclined to agree, but he had a bad feeling about letting Snape do anything. Snape, too, seemed to understand there was little he could do. He could tell the man was trying to calm himself down by the way he took deep breaths and the twitching in his hands as he tried to hold his arms still by his sides. �If�you don�t think you�re up for the job--�
�I�ll do whatever I can,� Harry interrupted defensively. �I just�don�t know how good it�s going to be.�
Snape only nodded. �An attempt is the most I can ask for�I�It�s�It�s good�It will be nice for Draco to have someone there for him,� Snape said, seeming to struggle with the words before finishing off lamely. Harry thought the man had been trying to compliment him or thank him or something, so he smiled and nodded his head.
�Sir�We can�t�Report him to Dumbledore or the Ministry or something? His dad, I mean?� Harry asked timidly.
Snape frowned. �Believe me, I would have done so if I would have thought it would do any good. Lucius Malfoy is a highly respected member of society. He is very friendly with the Minister, Cornelius Fudge. I believe Headmaster Dumbledore suspects, but�There isn�t much we can do unless Draco would be willing to go forward with it. I do not think his pride would allow him to appear weak or let his family�s name be dragged through the mud. This�is a highly complicated matter, Mr. Potter.�
Harry nodded his head. �I understand, sir,� he agreed. �Do you�Think there�s any chance I could�?�
�Even if you were friends, I do not think you could convince Draco to come forward,� Snape explained quietly, eying Tracey and Millicent as they walked down the hall. Snape fell silent, waiting for the girls to pass�They purposefully slowed down, as though wanting to overhear something, and seemed disappointed when they finally walked off. Snape cleared his throat and stood up straighter, speaking more clearly now. �You are late for your lessons, Potter. I trust you have come prepared?�
�Only one way to find out,� Harry sighed, heading to Snape�s office. He had been working harder than ever on his Occlumency in his spare time. He only wasn�t too sure how well he would do in practice.
As it turned out, both of their minds were too focused on Draco Malfoy�s problems to successfully get any work done.

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Author�s Notes: Thanks for all the reviews! Please remember to review after this chapter! I�ll be super happy to see what everyone is thinking! Chapter title lyrics from the song �Father�s Son� by 3 Doors Down.
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Lost and Damned