Adult-FanFiction.org : Harry Potter

Survivor's Guilt	By : SpeedyTomato Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Lucius Views: 34080 -:- Recommendations : 3 -:- Currently Reading : 4
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter nor do I make any money of this dark dance of Harry Potter fanfic.

Chapter List
- 18
- 19
- 20
Chapter 19

Beta'd by the amazing Tenchi. Thanks, Tenchi, you're the best!

“Aside from finally being able to sleep, are you feeling any better, Harry?” Dr. Netherwood asked after activating the dictating quill to record the session.

“I don't feel much of anything, honestly,” Harry shrugged, curling up in the quilt that had been draped over the back of the settee, shivering slightly.

Having expected that, the doctor nodded to him. “It's a side effect of the potions. It should wane soon.”

“As far as I'm concerned, it can stay forever,” Harry told him, pulling his legs up and crossing them, leaning back.

Brow furrowed slightly, as he looked at the younger man, Roddy asked, “Are you feeling no improvement at all or getting no relief from the dark place you were in?”

“Not that I can tell,” Harry said, looking at him. “The only improvement is that I can sleep now without being woken several times a night by nightmares. That's a good one though. With everything else? Nothing as far as I can tell other than being wonked out by the side-effects and not really caring about anything. That's a vast improvement as far as I'm concerned and would be happy for it to stick around for the rest of my life.”

Nodding slowly, Roddy made a note of that on his pad, concerned. “I think I may add another potion to what you're taking. I don't think the side effects will be as bad as what you're dealing with right now. It should help improve what's going on. By now, though you would be dealing with the side effects of what you're taking, there should be at least some mild improvement. It doesn't sound like there is any though. This should help, I think.”

Giving a shrug, Harry said nothing.

“I'll send Kreacher when we're done and give Lucius the instructions for it,” Roddy said, making a note of what he wanted to add to the regimen that was already there. “Are you gaining any weight? And eating regularly?”

“I'm eating, but haven't gained anything as far as I can tell,” Harry told him.

Not liking that either, Roddy made another note. “When's the last time you had a physical?”

Snorting, Harry shook his head, “Never, really. Closest I've come is when I was in school and was sent to the infirmary for various accidents.”

Rubbing his eyes, Roddy thought that over then asked, “Would you be willing to go to St. Mungos for a standard physical? That way I can tell if there might be some kind of physical problem that's adding to the other issues you're dealing with.”

“No,” Harry told him with a shake of his head. “Not with reporters dogging me all over. One whiff I'm there and I'll be besieged. I'm not taking that chance.”

Giving a mental sigh, Roddy nodded. While that was probably a good chunk of the reason for the refusal, he was certain that another part was that Harry just didn't want to deal with anyone right now other than the ones that were around him all the time or visited. That wasn't a good sign either. Thinking it over, tapping his quill on the tablet, he asked, “If I could arrange for someone to do a house call, would you be willing?”

“I'm not letting anyone I don't know through the wards,” Harry told him with a weary sigh, shaking his head.

Again, that was something Roddy understood. Harry guarded his privacy stringently and wanted it kept. From what he knew, there were only a handful of people allowed through the powerful wards. Thinking it over, he asked, tone thoughtful, “Lucius' son is a Healer. If I could get with him and he is willing, is that something you think you could handle?”

Thinking that over, Harry nodded. After all, he'd seen Draco several times by now and his old nemesis knew what shape he was in. Nor would Lucius allow his son to blab it all over so he thought it was something he could work with.

Pleased with that, Roddy told him, “I'll get in contact with Draco tomorrow and arrange something. If nothing else, Lucius can bring him so you don't allow him permanent access to the house. Keep in mind, Draco has a Healer's oath to uphold and will say nothing to anyone about what he finds. I'll mention that I want him to see if there is another regime for helping you gain weight. I'm not seeing even the slightest improvement from my observation. There should be some sign, even if it's minimal, by now.”

Nodding again, Harry said nothing.

Leaning back in his chair, Roddy asked, “Are you still having suicidal thoughts of the overt kind?”

“Define overt,” Harry said, looking at him.

“Such as planning to try once more, making a plan on how to do it, wanting to still harm yourself,” Roddy said softly, looking intently at the younger man.

“No, nothing like that,” Harry said, rubbing his eyes.

“What kind of thoughts are you having?” Roddy inquired. “It sounds like there is something there still.”

Looking at the floor, clutching the quilt around him, Harry thought it over then said, “For the most part, it's like I wish I would never wake up. Or if a bus was coming at me, I probably wouldn't step out of the way. I'm not planning on anything though. That would take too much effort.”

Making another note on his pad, Roddy told him, “I understand.” That was part and parcel to the depression, something he had expected would still be there. “How often do you think like that? Do you know?”

“Most of the time when I'm awake and with it enough,” Harry admitted with a shrug. Rubbing his eyes, he sighed and shook his head.

“I understand,” Roddy told him softly, making another note. Leaning back in his chair, he told Harry, “If you have no objection, I think it's a good idea that Lucius continue to stay with you for the foreseeable future. I think it'll help you quite a lot. Having someone around is always helpful.”

“That's fine,” Harry told him with a sigh.

“I'll talk to him before I go,” Roddy told him. “I won't give details about what we talked about, of course, but I'll fill him in enough that he knows what's going on. He's concerned about you, Harry.”

“There's no need,” Harry told him with a shake of his head. “I always manage to get along and come out at the end.”

“Be that as it may, it comes with being a friend,” Roddy said gently.

Nodding, Harry said nothing.

“I think, starting next week, it's a good idea for me to come over three times. That will be a good schedule to keep for a while, I believe. At least until you're feeling better.” Roddy said, making another note on his pad.

“That's fine,' Harry agreed with a shrug.

Looking at the younger man, Roddy was concerned. He knew the potions had this sort of side effect, but he was wondering if part of it came from Harry basically giving up and not caring anymore. If that was the case, the situation was still a grave one that could easily tip over into another attempt on his life. However, right now, he really couldn't get into too much of what was bothering the younger man. Trust had to be built up before the real problem areas could come out then be dealt with. That took time.

Shifting around in his comfortable chair, he asked, “Are you still having nightmares and flashbacks?”

“Yeah, but I can deal with them,” Harry told him. Giving another shrug, he said, “Right now they aren't bothering me too much.”

“What triggers the flashbacks? Is it anything specific? Or do they just come?” Roddy asked.

“Most times it's something someone says or I encounter. It starts out on nothing related then my brain just hops all over and I end up with one. Nothing to worry about.”

“Has it always been this way?” Roddy asked, taking more notes.

“Yeah. At least since that whole mess ended,” Harry admitted.

“I think I'm going to add something for anxiety to your potions as well. It'll help stop the racing thoughts so you don't have to deal with such issues.” Roddy told him, making note of that.

Again, Harry nodded, saying nothing.

“Sometimes it takes a while to get the right combination of potions that will help, Harry, and some tinkering with what we use. This is normal.” Roddy explained, looking back at his client.

Giving a shrug, Harry just looked at him.

“Are you getting out at all? I know the side effects make it hard to do anything and function even at a minimal level, but are you just staying home or doing some things that would be normal?” Roddy asked.

“Yeah, I've gotten out a few times. We played cards at Lucius' last week with Draco. Then we did a couple days at Dudley's over the weekend to watch the telly. I slept through most of it, but participated,” Harry explained.

Taking that as a good sign, Roddy nodded. “Good. Maybe, once a week or so, you should get out and do something you used to enjoy. I don't mean a lot or something strenuous, but like going out to get a bite to eat or something. That might help,” he suggested.

“I'll think about it,” Harry said noncommittally.

“You aren't drinking, are you? That can have a negative effect on the potions you take.”

“Strongest I'm drinking is butterbeer,” Harry told him with a shake of his head.

“Good. Alcohol needs to be avoided while you take the potions.” Relaxing and crossing his legs, Roddy asked, “Is there anything pressing or troubling you that you'd like to discuss?”

“Not really,” Harry told him, looking down at the floor.

Sighing mentally, Roddy made a note on his pad about that, figuring that this was going to be an ongoing issue. “How about this then, so I can get an idea of what your life was like; tell me a bit about your childhood. I know you and Dudley grew up together after your parents were killed, but that's about all I know.”

Rubbing his eyes, Harry sighed then began to give the barest of bones he could about what life was like with the Dursley's.

An hour later, after the session finished, Roddy found Lucius sitting in the living room reading a paper. Taking a seat and seeing the older man look at him, he asked, “Can you call Kreacher for me? I have some more potions for him to pick up. Once I send him off, I'll explain to you when they need to be taken.”

Nodding, Lucius called for the house elf.

When Kreacher appeared, Roddy handed him the script for what needed to be picked up. Nodding vigorously, the elf popped out to take care of it.

Leaning back, Roddy explained when they needed to be taken and why they were being given then handed over a schedule for Lucius to keep track with. Crossing his legs, he said, “I'm going to try to arrange for Harry to have a complete physical this week. He's not willing to go to St. Mungos to do it, but I've gotten him to agree to allow someone to make a house call. I'm going to talk to Draco tomorrow to see if he'll be willing to come attend to it. That's the only one I was able to get Harry to agree to.”

“I don't think it'll be an issue. Draco's aware of what the problem is from seeing what potions Harry is taking, not us telling him. He's made me promise that if there is an issue, I'm to get him here to help while we contact you,” Lucius explained.

Liking that, Roddy said, “That is a very good plan.” Sighing, he shook his head then asked, “Is there any problem with you staying with Harry for the foreseeable future?”

“No,” Lucius told him with a shake of his head, though his brow furrowed minutely with concern. “I have nothing that demands my attention most times. The only things that do Harry can come with me while I attend to them, other than my appointments with you. Kreacher and Twindle have agreed to keep a close eye on him during the time I'm gone for my appointments. If there is an issue, they know to come get us.”

“I think it's wise that you keep staying with him for some time,” Roddy told him with a shake of his head.

“I will,” Lucius replied. “Is there something I should be concerned about or watch for?”

“No, nothing overt,” Roddy told him dismissively. “All I can say is I'm not seeing any improvement like I should. Even after a week, there is no sign other than what is caused by the potions. I just think, as a precautionary measure, that he not be alone for the foreseeable future.”

Taking that in, Lucius nodded slowly, saying nothing, though not liking what he was hearing.

“Also, if you can persuade him to do so, maybe once a week get him to go out and do something he used to enjoy. I don't mean something like flying, as he's in no shape to do that, but something simple like going out to eat or other things. Just something small. It might make the situation better.”

“We can do that,” Lucius told him with a firm nod, making a mental note to get with Dudley about it. Quietly, he asked, “Is he still pondering taking that step?”

“No,” Roddy told him firmly. “Not now anyway. The depression isn't improving though, even with the potions. I can't say much, obviously, but there are still problems. And if you start seeing signs again, make sure to get in contact with me.”

“I will,” Lucius told him firmly.

“I'll be coming three times a week for a while, until I can get him in a better place. How long that will be, I don't know.” Roddy told him with a shake of his head. Telling Lucius the days he would come around, he asked, “Can you ensure he has no visitors at that time, aside from Dudley, of course.”

“That's something I'll take care of,” Lucius told him, making a note to get with those that came over.

When Kreacher popped back in, Roddy took the potions then began to explain to both what needed taken when and what they were for.

Sitting alone with Molly at the kitchen table at the Burrow, Minerva was sipping a cup of tea while going over the list of suicides since the war shaking her head, looking taciturn. When she finished she sat the parchment down and shoved it away, sighing. “I didn't realize there were that many. I knew there were a lot, of course, just like after the first war, but not that many.”

“It's bad,” Molly said, shaking her head, sighing. Looking at her old friend, she said, quietly, “I need your word that this goes no further.”

“Of course,” Minerva nodded, looking at Molly. “I won't say anything.”

“Last week--” trailing off, feeling her eyes burn again, Molly shook her head. Pulling herself together, she sat up straighter then said, tone slightly uneven, but firm, “Harry tried to throw himself through the Veil at work.”

Cup jogging as she was sipping, Minerva sputtered as she spilled tea. Wiping her face and drying herself off, she asked, tone horrified, “Harry Potter?”

“Yes,” Molly confirmed with a shaky nod. Wringing her hands, looking down at the table as she spoke, she explained, “I've not seen him yet, Arthur says is not a good idea until he's in better shape, but he has. So have Hermione and Ron. They said it's bad, really bad. When Arthur came back from visiting him the first time, he cried. Hermione is in no better shape each time she visits.” Stopping, she let out a ragged breath and said, simply, “It's the war.”

Not sure what to say, Minerva looked at her, feeling slightly ill. After several moments, she asked, quietly, “Is he getting help?”

“He is. He's agreed to talk to a Mind Healer. From what Hermione said Dudley told her, Harry has been in bad shape for a long time now and they were seeing signs that's what he might be thinking for some time. There was just nothing anyone could do to get him help.” Lifting her eyes and looking at Minerva, she said, tone more firm than it had been to this point, “It shouldn't have come to this, Minerva! They should have been able to get him help before he tried!”

Rubbing her eyes under her spectacles, Minerva nodded, “Yes, they should have. Wasn't there anything they could do? Someone they could go to?”

“No one,” Molly confirmed. “Arthur—we found out the Patils tried as well when Pavarti was so bad. There is just nothing. They can't force the issue and, unless the person wants help, they can't step in. That is wrong and we need to change it.”

“We do,” Minerva told her with a firm nod, looking determined.

“Arthur is working on something, I don't know what, but he's going to try. I was wondering, though I know you're busy, if you could get with him to see if you can help or have some kind of idea of what we can do? I mean, you have contacts we don't. He's trying to get some of the old Order together to see if they can't come up with some way of getting a law through to make it to where someone can step in and do something before it gets to the stage where Harry was. That and educate everyone that this isn't about weakness. We just—well, we're not sure how to go about this.”

Looking down at the cup she was holding in now trembling hands, Minerva gave a nod. “I'll get with him and see what he has in place already. Then I'll see what I can help with or if there is a way to push with some things. I don't know, honestly. It's something that I've not dealt with. I agree, though; something has to be done.” Glancing at the parchment with the names on it, she shook her head and said, “There are too many names there for my comfort. We've lost too many to that damned war. It's time we stopped it.”

“We have,” Molly said, sounding determined. “Harry is just the latest.” Stopping, she shook her head. “We need to do something!”

“Let me get with Arthur and see what he has. I'll then try to help and use some contacts I have in the Wizengamot to attempt to get something written up. That's the easy part. Getting it passed is where the fight will happen.” Picking up the list again, she shook her head and said, tone thicker than it was, “I'll see where everything is on a plan of some kind then go start to talk to the families on this list. If I can get them to help, that might assist. I just don't know, Molly. The prejudice is so ingrained that I'm not sure what any of us will be able to do.”

Nodding, hopeful, Molly said, “At least we can come up with something!”

“What we need is to educate the idiots that spout this nonsense,” Minerva told her sourly.

“Maybe, before we do anything else, that's what we need to work on,” Molly said, quietly. “I'm sure we can get help from some of the Mind Healers. They keep trying to get something through.”

“I know a couple I taught that are still on staff at St. Mungos. Let me go talk to them after I get with Arthur to see what he has. I even know one that is retired. He's looking for something to do with his time now. This would be perfect for him. He's one that's well respected.” Stopping, she said, “Maybe we all need to get together to see what we can do. I do think education should be our first step. Getting rid of the old line of thought needs to happen before we can really do anything to get something passed.”

Pleased with what she was hearing, Molly just nodded. Minerva always was good at organizing and getting things going. This could only help.

Starting to glower at that awful list, Minerva said, tone firm and hard, “This is enough! No more! Everyone suffered enough because of a madman. It has to stop, now. If they need help, they should be able to get it, not be called weak! No, we need to put a stop to it.” Looking up at Molly, lips set in a firm line, she said, “Tell Arthur I'll be getting with him tomorrow. We're going to discuss what he has in mind then get everyone we can back together. It's time our world got the kick in the backside it needs and we stop clinging to ways that are harmful.”

Smiling a little, Molly nodded. “I'll tell him.”

Standing, the aging Headmistress said, “I'm going to go. There are a couple people I want to talk to.” Making a copy of the list, she said, “Thanks for contacting me. Yes, this is something we need to do!”

Standing, Molly showed her old friend out, pleased with how that went.

Please review!
- 18
- 19
- 20
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

Survivor's Guilt