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The Evil and Nefarious MST's of Lord Alexander	By : Sal Category: Harry Potter > General > General Views: 1557 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
- 3
A/N — events described (eczema and the hot hospital sex scene, pant pant) can be found in one of my fics, 'Love to the Loveless Shown.' Also explains who the Doctor is — which is not good. Very bad indeed. Yes, blatent plug, I know

As ever, nicked with no permission or anything. Sorry. My bad.

Dedicated, as always, to the author — in this case, Lady Grey. And to my Molotov baby. She knows who she is—boxer short freak *mutter mutter*

Chapter II — With Friends Like This…

>>JAMES — I can't believe that we had chocolate cake for elevenses. I'm going to be traumatised for life because of it.
>>SIRIUS - *munch* s'very nice — *gobble* chocolatey like
>>REMUS — how do you think I feel being tortured and abused and viciously shagged like that?
>>SIRIUS - *chew* bloody ecstatic, probably
>>REMUS — don't you oppress me, Padfoot. Remember that time in the Doctor's dungeon when you covered Snape in potion and he got eczema and then we had a quickie in the storeroom?
>>SIRIUS - *chokes on a bit of cake and turns beetroot*
>>SEVERUS — well, well, Sirius Black—you going around with all those girls and in reality you had a werewolf gagging for it in your bed every night
>>REMUS — don't forget, Snape, a few days later I came to apologise and we ended up using the hospital bed for something a little more taxing than recuperation
>>SEVERUS — that, Lupin, was merely youthful exploration of the human body in all its forms and beauties
>>REMUS — not to mention you screamed like a girl when I sucked your—
>>JAMES - *interrupting fast* am I the only person in this room who had never had Remus?
>>THE OTHER—yep' —virgin' —you should try it, I give great—'
>>JAMES — I do NOT want to know!

Again, in an almost planned interruption of the scene when it is getting interesting, Alexander strides into the room. This time he is wearing (or not, as the case may be) in a bath towel (size? extra small), a shower cap which has pictures of little demons on it, and clutching his rubber duck. Oh, and the slippers in the shape of Garfield, but we'll forgive him that. It is interesting to note that he has a rather cute tattoo on the very top of his left arm. Chinese. Means ‘death demon.' Very pretty it is too.

>>BRECON — I'm going to have a bath
>>JAMES — that's nice. Make sure ducky doesn't drown
>>BRECON — ducky will NEVER drown, will you darling *kisses the duck's plastic beak*
>>SIRIU—rubber ducky, joy of joys'
>>REMU—when I squeeze you, you make noise'
>>JAME—rubber ducky, I'm awfully fond of you!'
>>THE THRE—bo bo bo de do'
>>BRECON — I think that first fic has driven them mad, don't you, you hawkish faced love slave—I mean Severus—of course I mean Severus—
>>SIRIUS — HERETIC!!!!! How can you NOT have heard Bert and Ernie's ‘Rubber Ducky' song from ‘Sesame Street' — it's a modern classic
>>JAMES — burn the infidel of the barbecues of the righteous! Toast him until he's extra crispy!
>>BRECON — wow! Never knew such kink existed in Hogwarts students! I'll accede to all of your demands as long as you smear with Vaseline and lash me down with liquorice bootlaces at the end, you saucy lot
>>SEVERUS — Vaseline? Liquorice bootlaces?
>>REMUS - *looking at Alexander appraisingly* Muggle lubricant and Muggle sweet shaped, strangely enough, like a bootlace
>>BRECON — anyway, before me and ducky and Remus go and have fun in the torture chamber — did I say torture chamber—hehehe! — I meant my bedroom, obviously. Before that, there's another fic for you to read. Professor, you may want to stay here for now, but after this you will be allowed to come and eat sandwich spread (chicken flavoured) off my naked body. And chocolate cake
>>JAMES — you did have to mention that, didn't you? Got a bucket, oh Evil One?

Alexander wanders off to find a minion to find another minion to source some buckets, and the others get comfortable. Ish.

More than just friends

>>SEVERUS —Again, where are the capitals — names—.where do they teach these people now a days? But finally not about me. I'm not friends with you lot
>>SIRIUS — not with us, just with Remus' mouth, huh? *cue evil but dishy glare from our favourite Slytherin*
>>JAMES — it could be about Snape and Malfoy? It would be sick and twisted but it could be. You know what they are like out there in fanfiction land
>>REMUS — ooh, let's hope so
>>SIRIUS — the words ‘barrel' and ‘scraping' are leaping like excited salmon to mind, Remus
>>REMUS — come on, they'd look hot together.
>>SEVERUS — Yes, Black. What's wrong with me and Lucius getting — what am I saying? I'm straight, I'm straight
>>JAMES - *snort* as straight as the lower meanders of the Thames, Snape

This has very little to do with my story "Taming the Beast," but this incident is referenced, so I thought I would do a little ficlet about it. Just a little fluffy, slashy fun that can be read independently of my other story. If you'd like to read "Taming the Beast" it's available here: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=719057 As always, reviews are appreciated. Enjoy!

>>SIRIUS — you know what to do — 3—2—1—
>>EVERYONE — PLUUUUUUUUUG!
>>JAMES — if the other one is called ‘Taming the Beast' — I'm sensing Lupin inclusion again!
>>REMUS - *eyes closed, whispering fervently* let it be slash, let it be slash
>>SEVERUS — is there someone's cohat hat you did not suck that you are hoping for, Lupin?
>>REMUS — *deep breath* Lucius Malfoy, James Potter —
>>JAMES - *shriek!*
>>REMUS — Bill Weasley, Gilderoy Lockhart, Oliver Wood, Professor Quirrell — hang on, didn't you have him, Snape?
>>SEVERUS — I most certainly did not!
>>REMUS — not what Harry says. He said you were getting it on the night the library was broken in to—
>>SEVERUS — fuck off and die, wolfboy. Come on, let's get on with the story. And you two *looks at James and Sirius* please stop ruminating on how spectacularly horny Lupin is. You look distinctly green
>>SIRIUS — but — Malfoy!

Remus looked at the faces staring back at him. Peter looked confused, as usual. James seemed to be understanding and not at all surprised. Sirius, however, was difficult to read.

>>SEVERUS — at least I'm not mentioned
>>JAMES — yet
>>REMUS — they got Peter right. Confused is a good word for him. Unfortunately they did not include ‘traitor' and ‘servant of evil'
>>JAMES — you think Brecon is in the pay of Voldemort?
>>SIRIUS — and is quite possibly trying to shag him as well as the rest of us
>>THE OTHERS — AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
>>SEVERUS — Sirius? Difficult to read? Come on! I've read Spot the Dog bookst art are more complex that you Black

He was startled, that was for certain, but there was a certain glint in his eye that was something like curiosity or jealousy.

>>REMUS — there's lots to be jealous of, really
>>SIRIUS — like your incredible ability to whore yourself out?
>>JAMES — like the fascination and talent you have with interior décor?
>>SEVERUS — like that thing you can do with your tongue when you're—
>>JAMES — really! Severus!
>>SEVERUS — oh, it's Severus now. Any more breaking of the ice and you'll be having my babies
>>JAMES — I'm not the bitch!
>>SEVERUS — you so are the bitch

Odd. But all in all the rest of the Marauders had taken the announcement of his homosexuality quite well.

>>SIRIUS — is that all? For god's sake! We knew before you did, Moony. Especially when I woke up one morning and found you eating my —
>>JAMES - *fingers in ears* lalalalalalalalalalalala!!! Not listening!
>>SIRIUS — chocolate frogs, Jamie, chocolate frogs. He was drooling over the portrait of Alexander the Red
>>REMUS — hang on—nah, couldn't be
>>SEVERUS — what couldn't be what, you uncommunicative creature?
>>REMUS — don't worry about it

"So—" Peter said slowly, still processing. "You mean you like guys?"

>>JAMES — click, click — just watch them cogs going round and round and the steam coming out of his ears with the effort

Remus nodded.
"And not girls? At all?"

>>SEVERUS — I knew he was a little idiotic, but how can anyone be so slow! He's a queer! Cope with it you disgusting cretin! FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!
>>REMUS — you don't have a history of heart attacks or strokes in your family, do you Snape?

Remus smiled slightly and nodded again.
"Oh. Huh." Peter frowned a little. "So what does it matter?"
"It doesn't really. Just wanted you all to know," Remus replied. "You're my friends and it's part of who I am."
"Oh, okay then," Peter said easily, quite content with this.
"I'm glad you told us," interjected James.
"Me too," said Remus. In fact it was a weight off his shoulders. He was a little nervous about breaking it to his friends, afraid they would be weird about it. He should have known better.

>>REMUS — nice friends, sensible friends. AU me likes AU you
>>SEVERUS — then hang on to your underpants boys. The Hoover has landed
>>JAMES — bloody hell, Snape! You made a joke! Nice one
>>SIRIUS — are you sure he did, or have our ears gone funny
>>SEVERUS — I don't see what all this trouble is about me being amusing. I am a very funny chap *this statement is met with blank stares from everyone else*

"So how do you know?"
Oh Gods, Sirius. He had spoken too soon.

>>JAMES — but you haven't spoken at all — how can it be too soon?

"How do I know what?" Remus asked patiently.
"How do you know you like guys? I mean have you done anything with them?" Sirius asked curiously.

>>SEVERUS — evidence is mounting of your latent homosexuality, Black
>>SIRIUS — who said anything about ‘latent,' Snape—hehehe! Gotcha!

James rolled his eyes at that typically-Sirius question. "Come on Peter, want to play some chess?" he asked. "I'm not sure I want to be here for this one."
"Me neither," Peter squeaked, scrambling off his bed. James, who was sitting next to him, slid off as well and they headed down to the common room.

>>JAMES — bloody wussy AU me. If it really was me I'd have stayed and opened a book on who was going to win the argument. You know me, profit in every situation
>>SEVERUS — so THAT's why you were so wealthy
>>SIRIUS — that and pimping out Remus

"Good luck," James called jokingly over his shoulder. The door slammed shut and Remus turned back to Sirius, who was sitting next to him on his bed.

>>SIRIUS — I think it is safe to say that the slash here is between you and me, Moony.
>>JAMES/SEVERUS — thank Christ for that!
>>REMUS — why? Does the ship turn you on, boys?

"No," said Remus quietly in response to Sirius' inquiry. "I haven't ‘done anything.' I haven't had much of an opportunity you know."

>>JAMES — pah! By the time you were fifteen you'd had most of the male population of Gryffindor and hell of a lot of Slytherin
>>SEVERUS — got a thing for Slytherins then?
>&gMUS MUS — they are far better at bondage than the other houses. Twisted as hell and utterly inventive. Hufflepuffs give the best oral, but Ravenclaws are cold; you have to fuck their minds then fuck their bodies. Gryffindors are sweet, but totally vanilla
>>JAMES — can you run that by me again, but in English this time?
>>SIRIUS — if yon't n't understand, then you are not old enough to be told
>>JAMES — I'm 21 and dead, damn it! How can it hurt?
>>SEVERUS — you are not going to go and corrupt all the other souls in the great pool of Hades, Potter

"Why not?" asked Sirius promptly, still regarding his werewolf friend with interest.
"Well," Remus explained slowly, as if he were speaking to a small child,

>>REMUS — well I was. I was speaking to Sirius

"most boys our age aren't willing to be open about this kind of preference in front of their peers, so I don't even know who I could approach. Also, you know getting close to anyone can be a problem because of my lycanthropy."

>>SEVERUS — plus, you are repulsive
>>REMUS — didn't say that when you were in hospital
>>SEVERUS — the influence of morphine and coal tar creams, plus delirium, is not conducive to me telling you to bugger off, is it?
>>REMUS — you could have threatened me with cortisone and I would have gone quietly
>>SIRIUS — no you wouldn't have. Predatory is not just limited to your time of the month
>>REMUS — stop ganging up on me! *hugs himself and looks beseechingly at them all*
>>SEVERUS — stop it. You know you look cute like that, you trollop

"You don't have to have a relationship," protested the dark haired boy. "You could just have a snog in the Astronomy Tower or something."

>>SIRIUS — ah, the Astronomy Tower—site of many conquests
>>REMUS — including me
>>SIRIUS — you were not so much a conquest as served up on a silver platter fully naked with an apple in our mouth and a note on your back reading ‘take me roughly, big boy'
>>SEVERUS — big boy, isn't that a little overestimating, Black?

"But I don't know anyone else who is gay," Remus reminded him.
"What about that boy from Hufflepuff? Ron, Red—"
"Rod?" Remus supplied. "Just because he enjoys herbology doesn't mean he's gay, Sirius."

>>JAMES — of course it does! Everyone knows that herbologists tend to be a bit gender bending
>>SIRIUS — yeah, look at Professor Sprout—*collective shudder by all*
>>SEVERUS — I've always been suspicious about that Neville Longbottom—

Sirius snorted as if he knew better. "Fine. But you're saying you haven't done anything, not even kissed?"
"Correct," Remus answered, blushing a little at the admission. He knew his perpetually courting friend had had more than a few Astronomy Tower encounters in the last year or so.

>>JAMES — you have to admit that even though Remus was a slut, you were worse Padfoot
>>SIRIUS — shut up Prongs. Just because you're jealous—
>>SEVERUS — didn't you have to go to Madam Pomphrey with a serious case of syphilis, Black?
>>SIRIUS — no I didn't!
>>REMUS — he didn't. It was crabs

"So how can you be sure you like guys?" Sirius pressed.

>>REMUS — the erections, the masturbating to their pictures, the thought of them taking me roughly from behind—

"How do you know you're attracted to girls?" Remus returned the question.

>>SIRIUS - the erections, the masturbating to their pictures, the thought of me taking them roughly from behind—

Sirius grinned cheekily. "Because I like to kiss them!" he declared triumphantly.

>>SIRIUS — I'm being a prick. Not kiss. Shag!

"But you've never kissed a boy before, right? So how do you know you don't like boys?" Remus said slyly.

>>SIRIUS — lack of erections caused by icky nasty smelly feet, snoring, dodgy underwear, obsession with quidditch, body odour, farting, acne, no breasts (big important problem that men have)
>>SEVERUS — to misquote Shakespeare, ‘the lady doth protest too much'

Sirius scowled at this. "No fair, this is about you, not me."
Remus tried again. "Before you kissed a girl, how did you know you wanted to?"
"I just did," Sirius said, a little confusedly.

>>SEVERUS — because they are pretty and cute and have delicious arses and look extremely good in liquid latex
>>JAMES — woah, Snape!
>>SIRIUS — you dog!
>>SEVERUS - *smug look*

"And it's the same way with me and boys," Remus explained. "I just know."

>>REMUS — and to reiterate what Snape said—
>>SIRIUS — I like liquid latex. You can ping it at people

"Oh," Sirius said. He looked pensive, a small frown found its way to his lips.

>>JAMES — how can he frown with his lips?
>>SIRIUS — maybe his forehead has slipped?

After a few minutes of silence, Remus sighed to himself. "What? You can ask, you know. I don't mind. And otherwise you'll sit there like this all night, brooding."
Sirius looked up at him, dark eyes thoughtful. "Kiss me," he said.
"What?" Remus blinked, not sure that he had heard correctly.

>>SIRIUS — it wasn't like that. I wasn't so polite
>>SEVERUS — then it was you who initiated the sex with Lupin —
>>SIRIUS — blimey Snape; does Remus look like the bitch or does he look like the bitch? Drove me crazy with flirting —grrrrrr!
>>REMUS — love it when you do that, Padfoot. Awfully erotic, you know
>>JAMES — unlike this story

"Kiss me," Sirius repeated. "Then you'll know for sure and I'll know."
"I already am sure," Remus replied, bewildered. "And you'll know what?"
"Whether or not I like kissing boys," Sirius explained with wide-eyed honesty.

>>JAMES — wide eyed honesty my arse. The more innocent Sirius looks, the more Machiavellian the thoughts that are rushing through his brain

Remus dropped his eyes,

>>SIRIUS — well, pick them up then. Five second rule counts for eyes as well as dropped food

not meeting Sirius' intense gaze. "I don't think that's a good idea Sirius—"

>>SIRIUS — of course he couldn't meet AU me's gaze. He's dropped his eyes!

"Why not?" Sirius scooted closer to the suddenly shy boy next to him.
"Because you don't know what you're getting into," Remus mumbled. "And I don't want to—develop feelings for you accidentally. You're one of my best friends and I don't want to ruin that."

>>SEVERUS — so let's get this clear. You wouldn't kiss him, but you've been shagging him for goodness knows how long
>>REMUS — it's AU me! Don't tell me off for his stupidity!

Sirius dismissed the objections with a wave of his hand. "You're one of my best friends too, which is exactly why we should try this together. Really! It will be fine, Remus. C'mon, let's give it a go—" he cajoled.

>>JAMES — said he was plotting. He's going to launch himself on this poor innocent young werewolf—
>>SIRIUS/SEVERUS — INNOCENT?! Hahahahahahaa!

"Sirius," Remus began, looking up to meet his friend's eyes. He didn't get a chance to say anything else, however, because Sirius darted forward, pressing soft lips to his own. Remus made a small surprised noise deep in his throat and Sirius reached up to lay a comforting hand on his shoulder. Just as Remus was relaxing into the kiss, however, Sirius pulled back.

>>SEVERUS — they give us a bit of action and what does it do? Stops! Come on, kiss damn you!
>>JAMES — is there some weird werewolf/mass murdering animagus fetish you have, or are you just horny?

"Padfoot?" Remus whispered, blinking.
"Yes Moony?"
"Erm—well?"
"It was a lot like kissing a girl," Sirius confessed. "Although I don't think I like boys. I do, however, rather like kissing you."

>>SIRIUS — oh—the Italics mean something, don't they?
>>REMUS — settle down for a bumpy and grindy ride, gentlemen

Remus blinked again. "Oh?"
Sirius nodded, suddenly looking a little bashful. "And, um, you? What did you think?"
"Oh, I, erm, liked it, rather. It was nice." Remus finally smiled. "Thank you, Padfoot."
Sirius grinned. "We should do it again sometime then."

>>JAMES — finally! The proposition. You cunning bastard, Padfoot.
>>REMUS — all he would have had to say is ‘fancy a shag, Remus,' and I w hav have been on my back, legs akimbo before you could say antidisestablishmentarianism
>>SIRIUS — anti—anti—antidistinctlymintymonty—
>>SEVERUS - *scowls at the author, who does a little minature faint with utter desire* Stop it! Stop stealing lines from ‘Blackadder III' and passing them off as your own
*the author hangs head in shame*

Remus started to laugh at the proposition but Sirius suddenly leaned forward to claim his mouth again. This time he deepened the kiss, pulling Remus into his lap at the same time. The sandy-haired boy melted into the kiss, wrapping his arms around his friend's shoulders. Sirius' hands settled on the werewolf's hips as their tongues dueled, exploring each other's mouths.

>>JAMES — and there goes Black, a lovely slashing movement, but parried well by Lupin who feints and backs away — oh, he's attacking! He's going for the right tonsil!
>>REMUS — why do they always get my hair wrong? My hair is not sandy; lig light brown with grey around the temples. Very distinguished, I may add
>>SEVERUS — and I thought Lupin was the strumpet around here, Black. Stop corrupting that AU werewolf and go to detention immediately *starts giggling in a most alarming fashion*
>>JAMES — what's wrong with him?
>>SIRIUS — must be the threat of Alexander—the talk with the author.

This time Remus was the first to pull away. "Padfoot?" he gasped. "What are we doing?"

>>SIRIUS — kissing
>>REMUS — kissing
>>JAMES — yep, definitely kissing
>>SEVERUS — putting your tongues in each other's mouth and wiggling them around a bit.
>>REMUS — how—clinical! Have you no romance?
>>SEVERUS — if I was Black, that mouth would be occupied in regions below the belt by now

"Enjoying ourselves," Sirius grunted, trying to seize another kiss. Remus resisted.

>>SIRIUS — fool! Don't resist. I can kiss for England, I can
>>SEVERUS - *up with the eyebrow—mmmm—* I thought your nickname among the young females of Hogwarts was ‘sink plunger' wasn't it? Girls do appreciate it if you give them their teeth back afterwards, Black

"But—are we—we're still friends, right?"
"Of course," Sirius said impatiently.

>>JAMES — randy little sod
>>SIRIUS — of course I'm randy! I think I'm about sixteen in this fic. I'd have shagged Hagrid if I could of *everyone tries not to visualise, and start to whimper*

"And nothing more?"
Sirius looked at the boy on his lap cautiously. "Are you okay with that?"
Remus nodded, looking relieved. "I just wanted to be sure. I'm having fun of course, and I'm fully in favor of this, but I wanted to make sure there was no confusion. Because in the future, you know—"

>>SEVERUS — you might catch me sucking off a very sexy Slytherin who will be Potions Master in 20 years in the hospital wing
>>SIRIUS — yeah. Finding out your boyfriend had had his mouth on a Slytherin cock would be a real downer. All involved to the STD clinic to check we haven't caught cooties
>>REMUS — like you did from that Ravenclaw with the huge—
>>JAMES — pussy called Gordon
>>SIRIUS — that made it sound so much worse, Prongs

"Good," Sirius cut him off sharply, pulling Remus down for another kiss. They explored each other, learned each other's idiosyncrasies even more intimately, tried to practically crawl into each other before James called them to dinner from the stairwell. When they emerged from the fifth year dormitory, they were flushed and rumpled. James raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Peter was predictably oblivious.

>>REMUS — we could have been wrestling
>>SEVERUS — how very ancient Greek of you
>>JAMES — didn't the Greeks have a word for it?
>>SEVERUS — yes. Wrestling
>>SIRIUS — sorry, I'm just horrified by the crawling into each other. How? Which orifice?
>>SEVERUS - Damn it! Potter has also blatantly stolen the raised eyebrow off me!
>>REMUS — it's true — in all the fics he raises his eyebrow
>>SEVERUS — copyright SS ™
>>JAMES — SS; bit Nazi, isn't it?
>>REMUS — so was David Bowie, and look where that got him *the others just frown at Lupin's apparent lack of sanity*

Dinner was uneventful; for Remus and Sirius, everything remained remarkably as it had been. They were the best of friends, after all; nothing so silly as kissing would get in the way of that. Sirius kept distracting his friend by attempting to initiate a game of footsy, but besides that it was the same as any other dinner.

>>SIRIUS — hey, it wouldn't be a normal dinner without that game of footsie. It livened up evenings something chronic
>>SEVERUS — something must have been chronic if footsie was the most exciting thing on the agenda
>>SIRIUS — come on, Snape. The rest of the houses weren't the bondage blood-sport freaks that the Slytherins were
>>REMUS — speak for yourself—

After lights out that evening, Sirius snuck into Remus' bed and they kissed almost innocently behind the curtains.

>>SIRIUS — innocently?! I haven't done anything innocently since I was nine
>>REMUS — a baby
>>JAMES — a foetus?
>>SEVERUS — since the glint in the milkman's eye became apparent. *glares at the author again for the incredible need to insert ‘Blackadder.'*

Remus was enjoying it immensely, trying to ignore the thought of the relationship's inevitable termination, when Sirius broke off a kiss to speak.
"Remus," he whispered, "do you want to go to the Astronomy Tower together some night?"
Remus froze. He knew what that meant, and he wasn't sure if it was a good idea, or if he was ready for that yet. "I don't know Sirius," he said slowly. "I mean, I want to, but—are you sure you want that?"

>>SIRIUS — you dozy goit. I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to screw you silly. AU Remus is a prat *everyone else agrees*

Sirius kissed and licked lightly on the side of Remus' neck, sending a pleasured shiver through the werewolf. "Yes I'm sure," he answered, voice muffled against skin. He pulled back to look into Remus' eyes. "Look," he continued in a hushed tone. "We've known each other for almost five years, right?

>>SIRIUS — this makes us—
>>JAMES — fifteen
>>SEVERUS — extremely underage — how dreadful of you. How can you be around children with your paedophilic lusts?
>>JAMES — AU! Hello Snape! You can't get Lupin sacked for stuff that characters that are only lightly based on reality
>>SEVERUS — I can damn well try

I mean, becoming, er, physical now doesn't mark the beginning of our relationship. I love you a lot Remus, and just because I love you as a friend doesn't change the intensity of that." He coughed to cover up his embarrassment at his confession. "I love you and I trust you, and if you want to as well, then—" He dropped his gaze to the quilt covering the bed twi twined his fingers idly with Remus'. "I kind of want you to be first, if you know what I mean."

>>SEVERUS — ream the virgin arse, huh? Noooo. Both virgin arses. Get two for one on the Astronomy tower!
>>REMUS — you always have to bring it down to your level, don't you?
>>SEVERUS — welcome to the gutter. Please mind the filth as it streams past
>>SIRIUS — I'm the one with the dirty mind!
>>SEVERUS — I'm the Slytherin—
>>SIRIU—good point. I'll shut up now

Remus' lips formed a silent ‘oh,' conveying that he did in fact know what Sirius meant. He was touched that Sirius wanted him to be his first, and to some extent felt the same way. They had been bonded in every other way possible, and this way just onee loe logical step. Still, kissing was one thing and sex was quite another. "Sirius," he said hesitantly. "That's—um. Yeah. That's so sweet of you really, but—"

>>REMUS — I've just realised that you are straight and to do this to you would screw you up beyond all recognition
>>JAMES — aw! That's kind of cute
>>SIRIUS — never actually stopped you though, did it Remus?

"But you don't want to," Sirius finished, avoiding his gaze. "I understand."
"No!" Remus protested. "I do! I want to! I want you! I agree with everything you said, but are you sure? I mean, kissing is easy to deal with but—well—that is something else entirely."

>>SEVERUS — oh come now. There is a similarity between buggery and kissing. You insert something stiff and wet into an orifice and move it about for pleasure
>>REMUS - *to himself* got to get to know Snape again, must—

Sirius looked him directly in the eye, smiling a little. "Yeah, I'm sure Moony."
"Okay then."
"Okay."
There was an awkward silence.
"Uh, tomorrow night good for you?" Sirius asked finally.
"Oh, lovely, yes." Remus answered hastily.
"Okay then."

>>JAMES — awkward is such an awkward word. It's all pointy, isn't it?
*everyone acknowledges at this point James has gone stir crazy from being confined and move on*

~*~

>>REMUS — what on earth does that mean?
>>SIRIUS — oooh, it looks pervy!
>>SEVERUS — what they hell are you — God! It does too!
>>JAMES — bloody hell! How can they allow stuff like that in fanfiction?
>>REMUS — stuff like what?
>>SIRIUS — keep looking and you'll work it out eventually

Remus was feeling vaguely ridiculous.

>>SEVERUS — feeling ridiculous? But Lupin, you are ridiculous, no doubt about it

He was walking up the stairs to the Astronomy Tower, alone. He and Sirius had decided to meet there because the black-haired boy had claimed he had something to do first.

>>SIRIUS — okay, pop culture fans. Anyone seen ‘There's Something About Mary?' Well, I must say that I have not gone off for a wank before the big event. It would be silly and stupid of me. And yes, Remus is far prettier than Cameron Diaz
>>SEVERUS — far better tits

Remus had taken the opportunity to transfigure a coffee mug into a bouquet, which had taken him almost half an hour but had eventually turned out quite well. Now he was regretting the silly romantic gesture.

>>SEVERUS — that is strangely obscene, Lupin
>>SIRIUS — yeah, you know what I feel about flowers. Hayfever is not a laughing matter, you know

They were friends, he told himself, just friends. Sure, just friends about to have sex, but still. Too late now, he told himself as he sidled warily through the doorway.

>>REMUS — there's a really good Buffy fic about Spike and Xander being just friends, but having sex. It's very erotic
>>SEVERUS - *looks thoughtful* they author says she didn't write it, so this is a plug for something she truly likes
>>JAMES — an unselfish author, coming to the aid of those who need slash or publicity. All hail!

The astronomy tower was an almost empty round room with no desks. The ceiling was conjured to be invisible and that night the stars were twinkling clearly.

>>SIRIUS — no—it's the top of a great big tower. No room, no noth The These people should read ‘Hogwarts, a History'

In the middle of the room was the surprising part, however. Sirius Black was reclining on a thick blanket, a few candles strategically placed off to the side at a safe distance.

>>SEVERUS — now, if that isn't a come and get me wolfboy pose, I don't know what is
>>REMUS — being smeared in honey and sprawled on my bed complete with ball gag and fluffycuffs—?
>>SEVERUS — okay, that's a roger me stupid and lick me all over wolfboy pose—who was that?
>>REMUS - *whispers something into Snape's ear. He screams like a girl, but you can't blame him. The initials C.F. strike fear into the hearts of most wizards*

As Remus approached the welcoming sight, he felt the effects of a mild warming spell surrounding the area.

>>SEVERUS — cunning. One way to get his clothes off quicker anyway

"Remus!" Sirius jumped up to greet him, leaning forward for a quick kiss.
"Sirius," Remus returned the salutation, shyly pulling the flowers from behind his back and handing them to his friend.
"Oh!" the black-haired boy exclaimed, sounding surprised but touched. "That's so sweet!"

>>SEVERUS — I feel my fillings buzzing at the nauseating treaclyness of this fic. I feel vomitous

"It's actually just a coffee mug," Remus mumbled, blushing but pleased at the reception. "The charm'll probably wear off by tomorrow."
"It's the thought that counts," smiled Sirius, giving him another kiss before laying them beside the candles.

>>JAMES — laying them? Who? I thought he was supposed to be laying Remus
>>SEVERUS — Potter, do keep up
>>REMUS - *dreamily* I'm keeping up—hell, am I keeping up *he moves uncomfortably*

"So, uh, you do this for all the ladies?" asked Remus awkwardly.
Sirius smiled at him. "No, actually. None of them are as special as you are."

>>SIRIUS — this seems to say that Remus is a girl
>>SEVERUS — well he is!
>>SIRIUS — but a girl who can give head like—

Remus flushed red, not knowing what to say.
"Come sit down," Sirius tugged on his hand. The two friends lay down next to each other on what turned out to be the very comfortable blanket. Sirius reached up to stroke Remus' hair gently, kissing him lightly and waiting for him to get more comfortable.

>>JAMES - *bad French accent* Why do you no reemove zos clothings an' mak yourself a leetle more comfortable, ma cherie?
>>SEVERUS — as French as knockwurst
>>JAMES — thanks!
>>REMUS — James. Knockwurst is German

Why am I the nervous one here? I'm the gay one!" Remus joked.
"No need to be nervous," smiled Sirius comfortingly. "Although to be truthful, I'm a little anxious myself."
Remus was calmed by this admission and leaned in for a passionate kiss. As the intensity escalated, they began fumbling with each other's robes, hastily pushing them away. Both were mildly amused to find that neither was wearing anything except underwear beneath the robes. They laughed breathlessly before resuming their ministrations.

>>SEVERUS — Very slutty to walk around without any clothes on underneath
>>SIRIUS — not as bad as you in the first story — naked and hard under your robes, I think you were
>>SEVERUS — at least we have hit skin
>>JAMES — you seem awfully keen on that—something to hide, Snape?
>>SEVERUS — no. Unlike those two *indicates Remus and Sirius* I am perfectly comfortable with my sexuality. The sooner the sex arrives, the sooner this finishes
>>SIRIUS — arsebandit!
>>SEVERUS - *ears going pink, bless him* No I'm not!

Sirius began kissing him way down Remus' chest, tongue swirling and teeth nipping. The werewolf moaned quietly and Sirius paused to murmur, "be as noisy as you want, I put up a silencing charm,"

>>REMUS — but, I'm not a screamer! I'm more of a quiet whimper
>>SIRIUS — don't worry. These people have never met you before, so they have no idea what they are talking about
>>REMUS — we never had to put up a silencing charm once

before he continued downward. As he reached the waistband of Remus' boxers, he glanced up for permission. Remus indicated his tacit acquiescence by lifting his hips, letting the black-haired boy slip the underwear off.

>>REMUS — sigh. More people who think I wear boxers
>>SIRIUS — Snape, you know you — AU you even—was wandering around with nada under his robes—
>>SEVERUS — yes, Black?
>>SIRIUS — what type of pants do you wear?
>>SEVERUS — what on earth makes you think I am wearing any? *a collective shiver passes through the others while the author contemplates the perfection of an underwearless Snape dashing around in leather trousers, his robes, and nothing else*

Sirius had of course seen the other boy naked, but nothing quite like this.

>>SIRIUS — well, I've never been an inch and a half from his cock before. The change of perspective is quite terrifying

Tentatively he reached out with his tongue to lick the liquid forming at the tip and Remus growled, hips bucking up. Sirius instinctively steadied them with his hands and continued an oral exploration of Remus' cock, until finally the victim gasped, "please, stop!"

>>SEVERUS - *as Lupin* I've just realised that I'm straight and I need to have sex with Professor Trelawney
>>REMUS — you are a sick, sick individual. Have you ever considered therapy?
>>SEVERUS — quite a good group, actually
>> SIRIUS — I can't believe AU Lupin stopped a blow job. What's wrong? Is he ill? Have the cumulative effects of all the other oral on his cock made him sore?

Sirius froze, glancing up. "I didn't hurt you, did I?" he said worriedly.
"No," panted Remus. "Just—"
He didn't bother to finish the sentence, and instead reversed their positions before Sirius had time to react. He practically tore the boy's boxers off, discarding the useless cloth. Faced with Sirius' straining erection, he eagerly launched his own oral attack until he had Sirius groaning and squirming.

>>SEVERUS — you so are the bitch
>>JAMES — oral attack? It's like he's trying to fight plaque and bad odours with the help of his new secret weapon—Padfoot's cock
>>SIRIUS — won't combat bad breath problems though — hehehe. I know for a fact that Moony swallows

He finally relented, sitting back on his heals. "Um, did you want to—?"
"Huh?" asked Sirius, still disoriented. "Oh. Oh!" His manner softened. "I would love to, if you wanted to as well."
Remus smiled. "Yeah, I do."
"Okay then."

>>SEVERUS — and from somewhere, a fifty piece orchestra appeared and they started waltzing around the Astronomy tower
>>SIRIUS — no, don't try it Snape. Surrealism doesn't suit you. Leave it to Jamie and his strange, not of this world mind
>>JAMES — of course I'm not of this world. I'm dead

Remus laid back and spread his legs in welcome, expression betraying his nerves. Sirius knelt between his gave him a lingering kiss. "We'll go slowly," he promised. "And if it hurts, or you want to stop, we'll stop."

>>SEVERUS — bitch
>>REMUS — not
>>SEVERUS — are too
>>REMUS ‑am not
(this goes on for some time)

Remus nodded. Sirius grabbed his wand from his discarded robe and pointed it at his fingers, muttering something. A clear gel-like substance appeared on the middle three.
"Where did you learn that?" asked Remus, impressed enough to forget his hesitation.
Sirius grinned. "Not in charms class, that's for sure. I did a little research."

>>REMUS — where the HELL can I find a charm like that!
>>SIRIUS — you know there's no such thing. Suppose you can't find lube in Hogwarts though
>>SEVERUS — Filch used to sell it, but then he started blackmailing Malfoy and suddenly all his stock got taken away by Dumbledore.
>>JAMES — please—dear god. Let's hope that Filch never had the opportunity to use it
>>SEVERUS — anyway, you don't need lube. Soap, cold cream, saliva or blood are perfectly acceptable substitutes
>>SIRIUS — blood? You are one sick and twisted bastard
>>SEVERUS — I'm a Slytherin
>>JAMES — is that your excuse for everything?
>>SEVERUS — hell yes!

Remus shook his head and smiled back, then tensed as he felt a wet finger probing his entrance. He tried to relax and felt it slip past the barrier.

>>REMUS — the Great Barrier Reef? The Thames Barrier? What barrier?

"Okay?" Sirius asked.
Remus nodded and soon felt another finger joining the first as they thrust in and out gently. He hissed as the third finger wiggled in and Sirius stopped immediately.
"Do you want me to stop?" he asked, concerned.
"No," Remus growled. "Please don't."

>>SIRIUS — we're on to growling now
>>SEVERUS — thanks for reminding me that you are about to take a werewolf up its arse
>>REMUS — pot—kettle—Severus. You've been there, done that
>>JAMES — so has half of Hogwarts, dear

"If you say so." Soon the three fingers were moving freely in and out. Then they disappeared, and Remus whimpered at the loss. He opened his eyes, which he didn't even remember closing, to look at Sirius above him.

>>JAMES — where have they disappeared to?
>>SIRIUS — maybe they escaped up Remus' arse?

"I think this might be easier if I turned over," he suggested.
"Whatever you think is best," Sirius whispered, kissing him reassuringly.
Remus rolled over, erection pressing urgently into the blanket, pale rear presented to Sirius. He felt gentle fingers parting him slightly and then there was something pressing against him. Sirius went slowly, barely moving in, giving Remus time to get accommodate him. Remus thrust back, beyond the pain and only feeling the pleasure as Sirius' cock rubbed a divine area he hadn't known even existed.

>>SEVERUS — of course he knew it existed. We did prostates in sex education, for crying out loud. We know what they do. We have experience of them—
>>JAMES — what do they do?
>>SIRIUS — someone else explain please?

Growling, he thrust back against Sirius, eliciting a moan and return thrust from his friend. Soon they found a rhythm, rocking back and forth as Sirius kissed his shoulders and back, reaching under them to stroke Remus' erection. Too soon the werewolf was overwhelmed by the sensations, coming with a sigh into Sirius' hand. The clenching muscles pulled Sirius with him and he cried out Remus' name as he came before pulling out and collapsing on the boy beneath him.

>>REMUS — that was ever so tame. The first time for us I bit your shoulder open and ended up with nailmarks up my back for a month
>>SIRIUS — not to mention you couldn't sit down comfortably for four days *smug look*
>>SEVERUS — except on my erection, of course
>>SIRIUS — but that's so small it doesn't count

Remus easily shrugged him off and, rolling him over, cuddled contently on his heaving chest.
"Mmm," the werewolf commented.
"Mmm indeed," chuckled Sirius. "That was fantastic." A pause. "Thank you Moony."
"Thank you Padfoot."
"We're still friends, right?"

>>SIRIUS — no. I've had my wicked way with you, and now I am going to go and seduce some blonde tart with big knockers

"Of course we are."
"Then, um, are we friends who can do this again sometime?"
"Oh, I think we are Padfoot."

>>SEVERUS — I think we have finished—bliss
>>JAMES — hang on Snape, think you spoke too soon

A/N- Oh the fluff, oh the cheese.

>>REMUS — cheese? I thought it was romantic
>>SIRIUS — you would. You were the one that brought the flowers
>>JAMES — if you had taken the cheese, if it was a Brie or something, you could have used it in a sordid sex game
>>SEVERUS — please! Please do NOT give them ideas.

And wow that was fast. Oh well. Yes, I know it's unlikely, but so is this pairing to be truthful.

>>SIRIUS — what's so unlikely about me and Remus?
>>REMUS — if we meet the writer of this, I'm going to bitchslap her
>>SEVERUS — have you finally come out of the closet then, Black?
>>SIRIUS — well, I haven't really hidden that I'm a randy bastard who would shag a hatstand if it would put out. Snape, you are going to dragged kicking and screaming out of the wardrobe eventually
>>JAMES — can I stay in there, considering I'm the straight one?
>>SIRIUS — you have your own wardrobe — keep out of ours! Sexual deviants and perverts only, thank you very much

They aren't mine, but in my head they will do whatever I say.

>>SEVERUS — why should we surrender to this female's tyranny! She makes people do disgusting and disturbing things to each other, and then publishes it on the Internet! Horrible
>>REMUS — I quite like this girl's tyranny
>>SIRIUS — so do I—*looks Remus up and down with a predatory gleam in his eye*
>>SEVERUS — pass me the bucket, Potter. It's bad enough they do it on paper, but in front of me — no, no bucket. Projectile vomit should stop them

=) This is rough, I know, but I just spewed it out. Hope you liked!

>>SEVERUS — spewed? And I did have to go and make that last comment"?
>>JAMES — so then, any remarks?
>>REMUS — mmmm—reminds me of the old days *shy smile*
>>SEVERUS — was that before or after you sucked so many dicks?
>>SIRIUS — I liked the story, and it was actually rather believable although the author stares otherwise. However, the sex was a bit too sweet. For fuck's sake, I'm an animagus, he's a werewolf! Where's the blood and pain and torment?
>>SEVERUS — are you sure you were never told by the Sorting Hat that you should be in Slytherin?

They wind down, catching their breaths—until

>>REMUS — god! Just worked that stupid little symbol out—it's sick!
>>SIRIUS — well done Moony. You'll be seeing mine very soon—well, when we escape, anyway
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The Evil and Nefarious MST's of Lord Alexander