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Wish You Were Here	By : TheLadyFeylene Category: Harry Potter > General > General Views: 2318 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Wish You Were Here
- 2-Second Edition
- 1
- 2
Warning: Still some slash references.

Dedication: For the Remus/Lucius list...the only people who really have a major interest in this story.

Summary: We see the story from Remus' point of view.

Spoilers: PoA

Author's Note: This is a look at the same situation, seen through different eyes. It takes place after the end of the first part, but it looks back over the events. It's from Remus' POV. I'm thinking of maybe doing everyone's perspective, but Lucius' is a little hard to grasp.

Wish You Were Here

Second Edition

I know what you think of me, and you're wrong. I never, once, meant to use you. At least, not consciously. Oh, I realize now that I did it on a subconscious level, but it was never intended. You took me in, I never came to you. What did you expect of me, really, when you released me? I'm sorry, but you were, for all intents and purposes, my 'master'. I was not, at that point, overly fond of you.

I knew you felt for me, you were always looking. Even when I was with him. *Especially* when I was with him.

I suppose you wondered why I shared his bed. He was captivating, to me. And I didn't realize just what sort of arrangement I'd entered into. He was charming and handsome, and he won me over easily. And...it was a difficult time. I never told myself I didn't know what he was, I did. I knew exactly what he was.

A powerful and influential man. And he was fond of me, he found me attractive. To me, who has always been the quiet one, the fading one, that was a thrill. And I fell for his words and his glances and everything else, because that is how I am. A part of me *does* crave attention. Or did, anyway.

I was young and foolish, and I think you were as well. We all made mistakes back then. And he did begin to get rough with me, and he did hurt me. But I was trapped. It was stay and be hurt, or leave and be killed. If I am to die by being killed, I wish it to be for a cause, not my own comfort.

I was very thankful to you. I know he would have killed me, that night, had you not intervened. But I know also you enjoyed what you saw. I could smell your arousal, your interest. My blood made you hot, my pain made you lust for me.

Of course I came to your bed. Why else did you keep me? Deep down, it was what you wanted. If you were truly guilty, you would have turned me away. It was obvious I was coming to you out of duty, not out of love or tenderness.

But you released me. I thank you for that, more then anything. You let me go, you let me get away from it all. You must realize you brought me painful memories.

Do you know, how you looked to me, that night? Sitting there, watching me...it was perverse. The way you looked at me, te way your eyes followed my blood as it stained the sheets...

I once asked you if you were afraid of me. You told me it was hard to be afraid of something you'd fucked. Well let me tell you Severus, from the other end it can be terrifying. You frightened me. Did you ever wish to do those sorts of things to me?

And that last time...did you even realize you were hurting me? I don't think you did. You were angry, and I don't really know why. I *did* have feelings for you, then. Maybe not for the right reasons, again I realize this looking back. I was lost and alone, and you were there.

And you had been kind to me. There were nights when you were tender, and treated me as a lover.

I'll admit to you, my heart spent a long time longing for Sirius. I loved him, back in our schooldays. And I think he may have loved me, but it's far gone now.

And now we're back again. The war has thrown us together once more, but now on the other side. And you won't even look at me. I don't know what I feel for you anymore. Some form of affection, and of course I fear you again. You practically raped me the last time I saw you. No, you can't be afraid of what you fuck, but what you fuck can certainly be afraid of you.

I don't know why I keep staring at you. Because you're beautiful, and because I can. You refuse to look at me. You won't even acknowledge me. Which of course makes me want you to even more. I'm going to approach you. And as we all stand, I think you know it.

You move, very quickly to leave the room. But I catch up to you, and I lay my hand on your arm. You look like you want to hit me. You tell me to leave you be, there is nothing to be said between us.

Subtlety does not work on you. I learned that back in school.

I want you, I tell you. I lean in close and whisper in your ear. You look shocked. I like seeing you that way. But you sneer, and shake me off, and tell me I'm being childish.

*I'm* being childish? As if this isn't all some twisted game. It is. It always has been.

But you don't realize all of it. You don't realize that I loved Lucius, before he turned his knife on me. Maybe I wasn't wise in loving him, but I did. I'm sure you think he offered me promises, but he didn't. None other then the promises of the flesh. And of course all that emotional baggage that goes along with it.

I loved him. I loved him deeply, for a short time. And then...he changed. Voldemort had a hand in that, I'm well aware of it. Not magically, but psychologically. I can't blame him for that. What happened, was not his fault.

And I don't think you know quite how long Lucius and I were together. It was far longer then months. It was only in those months that you saw me, when he had changed.

You must know. He was...he was never soft, or tender. But he was not so cruel. He certainly enjoyed to play the dominant, but he never attempted to hurt me or take joy from pain. Not until Voldemort began seeing him personally.

Lucius never told me, what happened. But that's when he started his little 'games.' You never knew, still don't know, all of this. But I do. So I am looking at thing's differently. You saw him as a monster, who abused me. I saw him as my lover, turned horribly wrong.

It hurt, when he...when he tossed me aside so casually. And when I realized he would have killed me. But still I do not blame him. You do, and you blame me.

I just shake my head at you. You won't listen, if I try and tell you all of this. You'll scoff and storm off, like you're trying to do now. Because I am being 'childish'. You've never been betrayed so thoroughly by someone you love. And it has taken me a very long time, to allow myself to feel for someone again. And oddly enough, my heart has chosen you.

But you don't care. You see only what you want to see. And you see me as an animal, don't you? Some dog, beaten by it's former master, cowering for the next friendly hand? I assure you, that's not what I am. I am abused yes, but not in the way you think.

The body heals, the heart does not.

But you ignore me. And you walk away, mumbling to yourself.

Fine. Be this way. Be the child you accuse me of being. Turn your back on me, ignore me, pretend you don't hear and don't care. I tell myself you will come around. Maybe you will. But I'm not going to waste my time. I don't want to be hurt again.

You did the same thing he did, but what excuse do you have? He had Voldemort at least. You have only your own bitter pettiness. I can forgive Lucius far easier then I can forgive you.

Oh well.

I suppose it will all work out in the end.
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Wish You Were Here