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Not Going To Let You Go	By : lilvior Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male Views: 900 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Title: Let Go

Author: Lilvior

Rating: R (possibly lower)

Summary: Lupin can�t handle the loss, depression goes a lot deeper than anyone realises.

Warning: Spoilers galore for OotP, but not for HBP. Character death. Naughty language. I sort of hint at some m/m, but don�t worry; nothing actually happens.

Archive: I would be honoured.

Disclaimer: I don�t own the characters, if I did, Sirius would still be alive. Song belongs to New Found Glory, though I can�t remember what the Hell it�s called.

Rant: God DAMN JKR that stupid woman. Okay, she evoked a reaction, which is exactly what she was trying to do; so maybe killing the best character in the series wasn�t a totally retarded move. But Sirius is � was � a hero! Couldn�t he have died a hero�s death? Jumping between Harry and Voldemort or something?

Anyway

The next morning Mrs Weasley was unable to get to the house and so Dumbledore requested that Snape stay there for the day. Severus couldn�t help but turn his nose up slightly at the thought of cooking for and feeding Remus whilst trying to brew this potion, all at the same time as he was trying to spy on Voldemort and teach at Hogwarts. Dumbledore must have thought he had a time-turner or something.

Walking into that room was like falling into an open grave. Remus was asleep on the bed wearing the same clothes he�d put on two days ago. Snape could see why he didn�t take them off though � he was wearing clothes that Black had passed down to him, the jumper was too long and the jeans covered in cigarette-burns. He wondered, with slight disgust, if Lupin was wearing Black�s old underpants.

No light came in from behind the thick curtains, and there was a rather pungent smell of vomit coming from the en-suite. Remus didn�t smell too great either, but Severus decided it was well beyond the call of duty to bath him.

The potion was supposed to be ready by this afternoon anyway, so Lupin could bath himself once he was sane again.

Snape had declined to go into work that day, and the Death-Eaters were all in Azkaban so he didn�t really feel like facing the Dark Lord when he was so likely to be in such a shitty mood. The anti-depressant potion simply needed to mature for a few more hours, so there was little he could do to that (maybe add some sugar, everyone knows what a sweet tooth Lupin has), leaving the rest of the morning to watch over the last of his childhood enemies.

In truth, Lupin was never that bad, it had always been Potter and Black that made his life a living hell, and that fat little boy, Pettigrew, who had always cheered them on, Remus had just sat there and done nothing about it. Looking back, Snape didn�t know what to feel about James and Sirius dying, it had never felt as good as when he�d wished them dead back at Hogwarts. He felt guilty that he�d never caught Pettigrew as the spy, but he wasn�t entirely surprised, he�d never been quite the same as the others.

If Severus had ever had to choose one of the Marauders to be stuck in a room with, it would have been Lupin. Unless he�d been stuck in a room with one of them and several torture implements, in which case it would have been Potter.
Remus was shifting on the bed.

�Do you want to eat?� Severus asked sharply, not moving any closer to the curled up form. For a moment he didn�t think he was going to get a reply, he thought maybe Remus was just stirring in his sleep, but eventually he heard a hoarse little voice,

�No.� it said, he didn�t sound anything like Remus Lupin, and Severus found he was stepping toward the bed against his own judgement, just to see if it really was the man it was supposed to be. �No thank you.� Remus croaked again.

�My, you have got yourself into a state, haven�t you?� He felt a great deal of guilt, gloating over Lupin�s loss, but some sick part of him still wanted revenge for all those years ago, yes, just a few tears, then they�d be even. �Maybe someone should have told you we were fighting a war, then maybe you�d have been prepared for someone as careless as Black to have gotten himself killed.�

There was silence, Severus was slightly disappointed that his effort had had no effect, but when he looked, he could see Remus was crying. Silent tear-drops rolled down his cheeks, and a great sadness had turned his eyes a strange grey-gold colour. Suddenly Severus was deeply ashamed at what he�d done. He sat on the bed, and gingerly patted Remus� back twice.

�I�m sorry,� He muttered, �I shouldn�t have said that.�

Remus curled up into an even tighter ball. Snape found his hand inexplicably drawn back to his back, this time he stroked a calming, rhythmic pattern, and found himself almost hypnotised by his own movements. It was strangely comfortable. By adjusting himself slightly on the bed, Severus discovered he could prop himself up against the headboard, with Remus lying to one side, and keep up the calming process. He was careful not to allow himself to fall asleep though, the last thing he needed was for someone to come in and find him sleeping with Lupin.

Remus kept his eyes open, he could feel himself being comforted; there had been no one there to comfort him when James died, when Peter �died�, or when Sirius was locked away. But somehow he hadn�t felt as alone as he did right now. He seemed to think he knew who it was that was sitting with him. But that was impossible, he only knew Sirius, and now Sirius was gone. Still, human contact was human contact; he was lucky he got any at all, considering what he was. Suddenly he was hungry. He wondered how he could get this idea across to whoever it was who was looking after him.

He moved his head a little to get his attention, then tried to think of what he�d like to eat; all he could think of was chips.

�Chips.� He muttered.

Snape, who had heard Molly�s account of what happened earlier yesterday, realised almost straight away that Remus didn�t actually want chips, but that his mind was rather jumbled up at the moment, and he probably wanted food.

�What would you like?� He asked, shocked by how compassionate he sounded, even to himself, �Soup again?�

Remus was silent; he seemed even to have momentarily forgotten the meaning of a shake or nod of the head.

�I�ll take that as a no, porridge then?�

�Mmm.�

Snape got up to leave, thinking that was the best he was likely to get right now, and was surprised to hear Remus� voice add,

�With lots of syrup.�
By the time they�d finished this late breakfast, the potion was ready. Severus was slightly nervous about giving Lupin the potion without first consulting Dumbledore, it was the strongest anti-depressant he�d ever brewed, and coming from someone bullied as much as Snape, that was saying something. He was certain it wasn�t strong enough to kill him, but adding lycanthropy to the equation meant they might see some side effects. Snape wanted Dumbledore there to shoulder the blame in case anything were to go wrong. Against his better judgement, Severus decanted some of the purple liquid into a tankard and took it upstairs.

�Drink this.� He said simply, holding out the potion for Remus to take.

Remus didn�t look as thought he were capable of taking it, his arms rested heavily on his stomach. Snape had propped him up with pillows, so he was almost sitting upright, but it wouldn�t be particularly safe to pour the potion down his throat in this position.

With a sigh, Severus placed the tankard on the bedside table and climbed onto the bed. He sat himself behind Remus, and let him rest his head against his shoulder. It would have looked, to anyone entering the room at that point, as if Severus was cradling Lupin, tipping small mouthfuls of the potion into Remus� gormlessly gaping mouth.

�You have to drink it all.� He was saying, though whether Remus was listening or not, he didn�t know. �You have to drink all of this, then there are two more doses, you must drink one each night for the next two nights��

�Mmm.� Remus murmured.

Looking at the young man�s handsome features, Snape found himself wondering how it could have hurt this much to see a friend die. It wasn�t true that Severus had had no friends, he had befriended a select few in Hogwarts, all of whom were now dead, it hadn�t affected him this much. What he didn�t understand, was that those people he had called �friends� had in fact been no such thing, Snape had been smart enough to make out the condescending remarks they�d thrown at him, he hadn�t forgotten they way they�d beat him up to make themselves feel bigger, but he had continually deluded himself that this was how it was supposed to be. One by one they�d been killed by Aurors or the angry Dark Lord himself, and Severus couldn�t have cared less.

He�d never enjoyed true friendship, nor suffered its aftermath.

Whereas Remus had been part of the most exclusive group in the history of Hogwarts. That group had met each other on the Hogwarts train, and instantly formed the tightest clique. They spent most every Christmas and summer holiday together, if one was caught up to no good and put in detention, then invariably the others would find some way of getting in trouble so that their pal wouldn�t suffer alone.

They�d even managed to find a way to be together whilst Remus was in wolf-form. The four of them were the definition of inseparable.

Snape had been curious about their reactions to Potter�s death, he hadn�t seen them for a while at that point, he�d heard from Hagrid that Sirius had been beside himself with grief. But he�d probably consoled himself briefly with the fact that his other two friends were alive, before discovering Pettigrew�s treachery, attacking him, and getting his arse hauled off to Azkaban. Remus couldn�t have had it easy, losing all three friends within a space of two days, especially considering that the Potters� had deemed Pettigrew a more reliable secret-keeper than him. He�d dealt with being alone, being the last Marauder, for fourteen years. Severus couldn�t begin to imagine what it would be like to get one of those friends back for nearly two whole years before losing them for good. Maybe this insanity was justified.

In which case, was it really fair on Lupin to hand him a potion and cure it?

Perhaps he needed to feel this loss.

Whatever, it was too late now.
Tension in the body faded away and Remus limply flopped back against Snape�s chest. Staring into space, Severus absentmindedly stroked Lupin�s hair; it was just as soft as it had always looked. All the jealousy Severus had ever felt towards him grew fainter; as the smartest of the Marauders, Remus was the only one Snape would ever have traded places with. Maybe they could be friends. After all this time it didn�t seem like a particularly convincing idea, but they definitely both needed someone.

But looking at Lupin�s tired face, lined around the eyes, and his hair that was now quite possibly more silver than gold, he realised it was too late.

They�d never be �friends�; Severus simply could not allow himself to believe two people who had been rivals for so long could ever truly be friends.
He shifted sideways and let Remus lie down on the bed. When he woke up, the worst of the depression should have lifted, but Severus reminded himself not to let Remus forget to take the rest of the potion. There is always a danger stopping any type of medication half way through the course.

He cast one last glance back at Lupin, who was wheezing slightly in his sleep, and thanked whatever deity it was looking over himself that he had never forged such a strong bond with anyone to warrant such a dramatic grieving process.

A/N: That was chapter two, sorry not much happened, I could post the rest of the story now, but it�s really long and I had complaints last time that it was a bit of a strain on the eyes. Also I want reviews, I only need ONE nice happy review and I�ll update 30/10/05.
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Not Going To Let You Go