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Unwell	By : BeckyHoadley Category: Harry Potter > General > General Views: 3545 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Unwell
- 2-Ch 2
- 3-Ch 3
- 1
- 2
- 3
It was working...and working well. Snape had moved rapidly through the ranks and was able to report to Dumbledore and seriously undermine Voldemort’s plans. They had saved hundreds over the past months. Suscpion never fell on him, in fact to his glee most of Voldemort’s suscpion and rage fell on Lucius.

Stior aor all that the tide had turned in their favor, he wondered if the price was too high. Harry was simply sliding away. Dumbledore knew of course but didn’t seem to grasp how serious this was becoming. He seemed to think Harry would shake this off as he had everything else that had happened to him. Snape knew better. Harry was raped violently and repeatedly. Once the novelty had worn off, and with it Voldemort’s possessiveness, there wasn’t a death-eater who hadn’t been allowed to have him. Harry just submitted saying that it didn’t matter.

It mattered. IT mattered a great deal. Physically he could heal the boy, but the spiritual and emotional degradation was something he couldn’t touch, no matter how hard he tried. Harry was trying, and trying hard, but he was slipping into another world, a safe place where what was happening to him couldn’t hurt him. Unfortunately he was also slipping away from sanity and life.

Snape was growing really and truly desperate. Even Voldemort noticed what was happening and was not quite as sadistically thrilled as Snape would have expected. Of course, Voldemort derived a great deal of pleasure from the continued abuse of the nineteen year old. In hopes of returning the boy to the land of the living, and gaining some responsiveness Voldemort had called a temporary halt.

In the two days since Voldemort had ordered him off limits, Harry hadn’t moved except to go to the restroom or spoken. It was highly unusual. Since the night he’d shared with Harry, the boy always managed to at least acknowledge his presence with a weak smile. He wasn’t actively trying to kill himself, Snape knew that as surely as he knew Harry’s eyes were green. He just didn’t want to emerge from he safe cocoon he’d built around himself, and every day he grew a little paler, a little quieter, and every day he withdrew further.

Snape walked up the stairs and paused outside the boy ’s room and paused before pushing the door open. He was surprised to find Harry sitting upright, in the window, looking out. Harry turned to him slowly and said softly, ’Is he ever going to kill me?’

’Not to my knowledge.’

’Dammit,’ Harry said thickly, ’God dammit! I was prepared to die you know,’ Harry said without turning and without any real... fire. ’but I never dreamt this is what he’d want from me.’

’No one did. If we had we never would have allowed it.’

’If I tried to escape do you think he’d kill me?’ Harry had forgotten he was present, just mumbling to himself, ’Probably not. Damn the bastard and his honor to hel’

Snape was sure he was already there, Thank you very much. Snape gripped Harry’s shoulder strongly, pulling his attention back.

’I can’t go back...,’ Harry whimpered and began to rock, ’I can’t ever go back...’ He looked up at Snape wearily. ’I’m crazy I really am. I--’

’Shhhh,’ Snape said softly and knelt in front of the young man and pulled him into his arms. Harry shuddered hard against him.

’I don't’ want to wind up in St. Mungo’s. I don’t, I really really don’t. I’ll be with Neville’s parents and I’ll be in one of those blue padded rooms and they’ll do things to me there and I won’t like it and I really don’t want to be insane,’ Harry babbled inarticulately.

’Shhhh,’ Snape repeated softly, ’No one’s taking you to Mungo’s.’

’Promise?’ Harry asked in a broken, child like voice.

’I promise...,’ Snape said softly and kissed the top of his head. ’You aren’t crazy, you’re just not well right now. It’ll all be over soon (he hoped) and you’ll get better.’

It was over, but not quickly enough for his taste. Harry was physically better, but by the time Voldemort was defeated, Harry had utterly retreated from reality, in spite of his best efforts. He was returned to Hogwarts where he would talk to no one, and only with Snape physically holding him was Poppy able to check him for injuries and clean up the work Snape himself had done. He responded only to Snape, and then it was to cling to him with heartbreaking desperation. No matter how they reassured him that it was over, he was safe, Voldemort was dead, Harry remained withdrawn and afraid.

After a week at Hogwarts, talking to himself and staring at his ceiling Dumbledore had given Snape a leave of absence and permission to take him home, hoping that peace and quiet would help. Voldemort was dead, but Harry wasn’t even aware of it. He was lost in his mind, in the months of hell he’d endured. The visits from Weasley and Granger had terrified Harry and broken their hearts.

Back at the manor he gave Harry a new room, in a different wing, afraid that if he was in the same room he’d been used and abused in before he would be reminded of things Snape himself would rather forget. It didn’t last long. The first night back Harry disappeared and after a frantic search Snape found him in the old room, huddled in the floor near the window.

Moonlight was streaming in, and Harry looked almost like himself. It would be so easy to forget he was so broken. Harry turned to look at him and smiled, just slightly. That lop sided smile tugged at Snape’s heart in a way he’d rarely been touched. Snape seated himself cross legged on the floor with the boy and smiled in return. ’Hi,’ he said softly.

’Hey,’ Harry returned and then looked at his lap where his hands were folded. ’Thanks for letting me stay here.’

He sounded about six, Snape thought sadly. ’You’re welcome. Do you like it here?’

’Sometimes. Sometimes I remember bad things but I like you so it’s ok. IT’s better than the castle. All those people talking at me. I didn’t know what they wanted me to say and they just kept asking questions and I didn’t know how to answer them.’

’ I know. That must have been scary.’ Snape said simply. At least Harry was talking and coherent... for him. He was also calmer than he had been.

’It was! They just kept talking and talking and I wanted them to go away but they wouldn’t.’

’They were worried about you, but I know it was overwhelming.’

’I don’t know why they were so worried. I’m fine, I don’t even hurt anywhere anymore!’

’That’s good!’ Snape said, his heart breaking, ’but they were worried because they knew you hurt before.’

‘I didn‘t like what all those bad people did to me,‘ Harry said gravely, ‘but you always made me feel better and you never talk too much.‘ Harry smiled shyly.

Snape chuckled softly, ‘I can honestly say no one has ever accused me of being loquacious‘

Harry frowned, ‘What‘s lo, lo--‘ he stumbled.

‘It means someone who talks all the time.‘

‘Oh! No, you never talk if I don't‘ want to. I like that.‘

They were quiet for a few minutes and Snape stood. ‘Do you want to come have something to eat and drink?‘

Harry‘s eyes went wide, ‘At night? Really? Wow! Can I have cookies?‘

Snape shut his eyes briefly, ‘if that‘s what you want, you certainly can. What kind of cookies do you like?‘

Harry bounced up eagerly, ‘Chocolate!‘

‘Let‘s go tell Sparky then,‘ Snape said extending his hand. Harry took it and padded after him, holding his hand tightly.

It was the first night in a long string of nights. Snape would always find Harry up in the middle of the night, sitting in his floor. Sometimes he would be looking at the picture books Snape had brought in, or playing with a truck, but for the most part he was sitting. It was the only time Harry really talked. During the day he was virtually silent, and Snape didn‘t press.

After a couple of weeks, Dumbledore came to visit. Harry smiled shyly and took the proffered chocolate frog, giggling when it jumped and chasing it around the floor before he returned to his puzzle.

‘Severus,‘ dumbledore said after they‘d retired to a study, ‘perhaps it would be better for Harry to go to St. Mungo‘s... They are certainly better equipped to handle him, and they are professionals. Maybe they‘ll be able to reach him...‘

‘Absolutely not!‘ Snape said vehemently, ‘I promised Harry I would not send him there and I will not hear of it! It is out of the question.‘

‘Severus,‘ Dumbledore pointed out reasonably, ‘Harry can‘t remember what you promised him. Surely you do not want to take care of him for the next century.‘

‘No. I‘d much rather him take care of himself, but baring that I have taken responsibility for him. He saved the whole damn community, Albus, and I will not allow him to be locked away and forgotten. You can see that he is content here, and as long as he is at peace, then I have no reason to seek outside ‘help‘.‘

Dumbledore sighed, ‘It is your decision of course. I am actually rather relieved that there is someone who cares enough and has the resources to look after him, but I must confess I am surprised to see you willing to take on the role. Black was willing of course but...‘

‘I know, and I told him that. However, you should be prepared for his visit...‘

‘When,‘ Snape asked with resignation. Maybe seeing the mutt would do Harry good.

‘Tomorrow morning.‘

‘Great.‘ He said without enthusiasm.

_______________________________

Black arrived and after grumbling and throwing insults in Snape‘s direction stalked off to find Harry, Snape one step behind him. When Black stormed into the room, he pounced immediately, hugging Harry. ‘Harry! I‘ve been so worried about you, how are you doing?‘

Harry whimpered and tried unsuccessfully to push Sirius off. ‘Black,‘ Snape growled in warning, ‘let him go.‘

‘Harry!‘ Sirius exclaimed as he released his godson, ‘What‘s Snape done to you?‘

Harry looked at the floor and said meekly, ‘I like Severus. He‘s nice.‘

Sirius blinked in shock. Hadn‘t Dumbledore explained Harry‘s situation to him, or did he simply think it didn‘t apply to him? ‘Harry, this is Sirius. I bet he‘d help you put together that new airplane.‘

Harry looked at Sirius eagerly and Black nodded with a dazed air. Harry scampered off to get the toy that had arrived the evening before and Snape had purposely refused to help assemble.

‘Dear God,‘ Sirius murmured, sliding down the wall to the floor.

‘Problem Black?‘ Snape asked as he leaned against the wall, arms folded over his chest.

‘Are you joking? Of course there‘s a problem, my godson has gone crazy.‘

A loud clatter announced Harry‘s presence. The box was on the floor and after staring at the men for a split second he turned and ran.

‘Harry! I‘m sorry,‘ Sirius said plaintively, ‘I just don‘t know how to handle this. Gods, Snape, I can‘t even handle myself most of the time, what the hell am I going to do? I can‘t stand seeing him like that! What am I going to do?‘

Snape thought Sirius sounded less sane and mature than his godson at the moment. ‘Grow the hell up for starters. You‘re not fit to take care of Harry in this condition, Black,‘ Snape fairly spat, ‘You don‘t have the resources financially or mentally. You‘ll destroy him and yourself to boot. While I don‘t particularly give a damn what happens to you, I don‘t need you dragging Harry under with you.‘

Black‘s eyes narrowed suscpiously, ‘You better not be taking advantage of him Snape or I swear, I‘ll...‘

Snape felt overcome with rage momentarily, ‘I would never,’ he ground out, ’And you know it. I have spent a decade risking my life doing my best to protect him while you sought your revenge and lived your life on the run. Don’t you dare insinuate that I would every so much as think of taking advantage of his current condition.’

Fortunately Black missed the qualifier ’in his current condition’ and nodded slowly. Like it or not the greasy git was right. He couldn’t even see Harry at this point. It was too close. Too close to what he had feared his fate would be in Azkaban. Truthfully it still worried him at times, and he knew he couldn’t be responsible for Harry. Not now, and if he was to be candid about it, he never had been.

It was perhaps the most mature decision of his life, to date, when he nodded slowly and agreed to leave Harry in Snape’s care.

Snape found Harry huddled in the attic after an hour of searching. Sparky had actually found him and Snape crawled up and into the dusty space on his hands and knees. Harry was sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth, clutching a ratty bear he must have unearthed in one of the boxes scattered about the massive room that stretched the length and width of the house.

’Hey,’ Snape said softly in greeting as he moved to sit beside him under the sloping ceiling.

’I’m sorry.’ Harry said softly, ’I don’t mean to be crazy. Are you going to send me away?’

’No.’ Snape said firmly, ’never. You’re not really crazy you know... you just had some bad things happen that made you sick.’

’Am I ever going to get better?’ Harry sniffled, eyes wide.

’I don’t know, but it doesn’t really matter,’ Snape assured him, ’as long as you’re happy.’

’I am.’

’Good. Now how about that plane?’

________________________________________________

It was nearly a month later when Harry appeared at his bed, clutching the tattered bear he’d found by the ear.

’Something wrong Harry?’ He asked, sitting up.

Harry stared at him for a moment and then burst into tears. Snape blinked and hugged the boy without question, deciding it really didn’t matter what set him off. There were so many possibilities, and he had ample reason to cry. ’It’s ok. You’re safe now.’

Harry held onto him, one hand fisted in the shirt, the other clutching the bear

Harry fell asleep in his arms that night, still holding him.

The next morning he went to his office, closed the door softly, folded his arms on his desk, put his head down. He cried then, quietly and ungrammatically. Cried for the boy had been, the man he had been becoming. Cried for the selfless, courageous young man they’d destroyed so utterly. And he cried for himself and the chance he was sure he’d lost. The chance to have something... more with Harry. The chance to have someone who understood scars and demons and masks. Who understood him, who knew him, and didn’t recoil.

Would it have been better if Voldemort had killed him? Probably, but it was too late now. The boy trusted him so completely, to take care of him and make it all better, but he couldn’t fix this. Harry didn’t even seem to know he was broken... one small blessing in this nightmare.

Harry opened the door sometime later and Snape looked up and hastily wiped his eyes with one hand, pushing the hair out of his face with the other. Snape couldn’t believe he’d bawled like a baby. He didn't cry. IT was humiliating.

‘Were you crying?‘ Harry asked innocently.

Snape thought about lying but decided it would be insulting and foolish to deny what was so obvious, ‘Yes.‘

‘How come?‘

Snape arched an eyebrow, ‘I was sad.‘

‘Oh. Was it cause I‘m sick?‘

‘A little bit. I miss you.‘

Harry‘s eyebrows drew down in confusion, clearly trying to work out how Snape could miss him when he was right there. Finally he just said, ‘You can have my bear. He makes me feel better.‘

It was the bear he‘d found in the attic. When Harry extended it to him, Snape took the ancient plush toy and smiled wanly, ‘thank you. I feel better already.‘

Harry smiled brightly, his whole face lighting up, ‘I don‘t want you to be sad.‘

‘Thank you,‘ Snape said again and looked at the bear. It was missing it‘s nose. ‘Why don‘t you go find a button and Sparky can give him a new nose...‘

Harry nodded and ran off, leaving Snape holding the battered toy in one hand, forehead resting in the other.
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Unwell