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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24087 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

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Lost and Damned

Though It's Easy To Pretend

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Harry was used to being followed around by stares and whispers, and when he awoke the following morning, he knew exactly what it was about. He noticed it when he woke up to the rest of his friends already awake and watching him. He noticed it as he entered the common room. He noticed it following him into the Great Hall for breakfast. He especially noticed how much stronger it was every time he and Hermione looked at each other, let alone when they were near each other.

Ron and Susan had both seen Hermione kiss Harry in the corridor last night. If Ron didn‘t say anything, there wasn‘t a doubt in his mind Susan had. Gossip spread through this school like a wildfire. He wouldn’t have been surprised if all of these rumors had started before he even made it to bed. Harry did his best to ignore everyone, not wanting to know what they thought or felt about the whole matter. He couldn’t help but to feel slightly irritated with Hermione for letting this happen, but he said nothing as he sat next to her at the Gryffindor table. Nothing more than the usual “Good morning,” as though everything were perfectly normal.

Hermione seemed relieved when he spoke to her and relaxed a bit, glancing around at everyone before leaning in closer. “Harry, I’m so sorry…I don’t know what I was thinking…”

“It’s fine,” Harry assured her, restraining himself from telling her that she had known what she was thinking. She had known exactly what she was doing and exactly what she wanted to happen. Harry couldn’t blame her too much, though. He allowed this to happen. He was just as much to blame as she was for continuing on with everything. The day she kissed him in his bedroom at Grimmauld Place, he should have pushed her away, but he hadn’t. Because even if there was no chemistry of true love there, they did need each other. They needed their sick little game.

Aside from that, Harry remembered every conversation they had had about this. He remembered how lost Hermione would get when she spoke about it. He remembered all of her pain and desperation and desire. She cared for Ron Weasley more than she had ever let on and she hated herself so much for not acting sooner, for being such a wimp about things. For being so scared. She wouldn’t have had to worry about Susan Bones or anything else. Time and time again Hermione would accuse Ginny and Harry of lying to her, of fooling with her by saying that Ron had felt those things for her. Neither had really expected how deeply Hermione did care for him. They certainly hadn’t expected Ron to go out with someone like Susan when he had so obviously cared for Hermione. Whether or not he still had feelings for her had been in question when he began dating Susan…And even with his obvious feelings of last night, they couldn’t be too sure.

“Would it…” Hermione began with some hesitation and Harry glanced up at her, confused. “Would it be possible if…We didn’t exactly…Discourage…said rumors?”

Harry cocked his eyebrow, but he thought about it. He wasn‘t sure how beneficial it would be to pretend to date Hermione Granger. Especially when he still felt so uneasy about the Ron situation. But Harry could see the temptation that Hermione did. They wouldn‘t have to keep it hidden anymore…They could act out the things they had been for all to see and no one would question them. They could use each other more often. That thought was both dreadful and exciting. Harry let his bright green eyes glance around the Great Hall, watching many eyes flicker away as though they hadn’t been staring while others bravely met his. It wasn‘t like much they said would quiet the rumors now that they had started. And Harry could see how tempting it would be for Hermione…Now much easier it would be on her to shove every public display of affection Ron and Susan acted out right back in his face. Whether it would have the desired results was questionable, but Harry knew it would at least make her feel better, in some petty way that he understood all too well by now.

Harry shrugged slowly, eying Ron as he glared at them and walked up. “Might as well see it through,” Harry murmured, waiting quietly as Ron walked around to his usual seat on the other side of Harry. It was normally odd sitting between Ron and Hermione with the obvious issues between the two…Issues he very well understood, even if Ron had remained in the dark all summer and all through the year so far. Now there was a different feeling. An awkwardness and some strange defensiveness, ready to come out at a moment‘s notice. Ron glared at them both, but said nothing. Harry had no idea why he was even sitting with them today…Or why he had remained after all these weeks back at school. Was it for appearances? Harry didn‘t like to think so…No matter how angry Ron was with the both of them or how irritated Harry was with the both of his friends, he didn‘t think he could bear to think of Ron that way. Maybe he just cared enough for his friends to stick by their side, even when things were so strange lately. Harry wasn‘t sure what to think and almost longed for a spare time he and Hermione could have together, just to keep his mind from exploding, thinking about and worrying about too many things to count.

“So…How long as this been going on?” Ron asked conversationally, though Harry could sense it was a bit more than a friend asking another friend about his life. He sounded almost bitter, as though he was searching for more to be angry about.

Harry opened his mouth to speak, but Hermione beat him to it. “Since the beginning of summer.”

Ron just grunted and began shoveling food into his mouth and Harry just sighed. Harry would have much preferred something like a few days or something less than the whole summer. There was no need to upset Ron any more. Harry was starting to get a bad feeling about all of this…He should have known better than to get involved in this, but it seemed to be too late to change anything now.

“Good to know how close we really are. Didn‘t even hear it from you, but I had to bloody walk in on it!” Ron muttered.

“You were too busy with Susan to notice much, Ronald,” Hermione said coolly.

Harry just sighed. He hadn’t agreed to this for the purposes of riling up either of his best friends. Maybe he had been mistaken in hoping this would go well…That it would benefit both him and Hermione and maybe even Ron, as well. He was foolish enough to think that maybe Hermione just wanted this for the same reasons Harry had…As a means of having more opportunities to just feel okay. But this wasn’t about distractions, this was about firing all she could at Ron in her revenge for him hurting her. Or as a means of trying to win him over thorugh jealousy. Harry highly doubted anyone was going to win anyone over with the daggers Ron and Hermione was glaring into each other.

Ron, it seemed, couldn’t come up with another comeback and did nothing but sputter for a moment before growling and returning to butchering his food before eating it. Hermione was definitely not making this easy on any of them. She seemed pleased with herself for the moment, though. A bitter victory. Harry had no idea what to say to either one of them and only shifted in his discomfort and went on eating, wondering just what it was he had gotten himself into and wondering if there was any safe way out of it.

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There was no way they could ignore the threat Lord Voldemort posed…No way they could just sit back and not do anything until Voldemort did more. This was too big of a threat to sit around waiting for. Harry’s summer vacation had been cut short after weeks of arguing among Order members before it was decided that Harry needed a bit of extra help to start immediately. Whoever could teach him would help him whenever they could, normally having to pay a visit to Hogwarts to do so. Underage magic was still illegal, but practicing within the halls of Hogwarts made it safe. Most of the times his lessons alternated between Snape and Lupin, though when they had a spare Auror available, he would get lessons from them or even some of the Order members, when they had a bit of time. Everyone was too preoccupied for him to have a steady teacher, but the constant alternation between people aided in him learning several different things.

Since school started, there was only so much he could do. He had regular classes, that would help in their own way. But with Dolores Umbridge not teaching her students Defense Against the Dark Arts, Harry had resumed taking lessons from mostly Snape after classes were finished each day. Now and then they would have a visitor to help out, when need be, but mostly he had been spending more time around Sanpe than he normally cared for. Lately, though, he found he didn‘t mind them so much. Snape knew a lot…A lot about magic and a lot about Lord Voldemort and a lot about many things Harry found useful. Sure, the man insulted him to no end when he screwed up, but at least there weren‘t as many…unnecessary remarks. Something had changed…Harry didn‘t know if they were just warming up to each other or if someone had said something to him or what, but it was a nice change. At least it let him know when he really was doing something wrong.

After a long day of suffering through Ron’s mutterings and Hermione stubbornly holding his hand every time she saw him and the stares and the whispers of everyone around them and the teasing from any Slytherins who passed, Harry was almost grateful to be headed to the dungeons after dinner. He had been given detention today in Potions for snapping at Draco Malfoy and knocking over his cauldron…Though he hadn’t actually done the latter, so much as Malfoy using a quick spell to knock it over, but of course Sanpe would accuse Harry of being a lunatic, and as awful as it was sitting there fuming while the rest of the class only had more to talk about, it did make going down tot eh dungeons easier. He had a good excuse for being down there at this time of day, while most people were headed back to their common rooms.

He had to admit to himself, he felt almost excited…A feeling that grew the closer he got. He ignored the snickering of the Slytherins around him and ignored those few who were daring to call out to him. “Hey, Potter! How‘s Mudblood in the sack?!” or “Potter! Good luck in detention! Try not to knock over any more cauldrons!” Normally hearing them say the degrading things they were would have enraged him, but right now he found himself too preoccupied and eager to reach his destination. He slowed a bit as he reached the Potions classroom, hesitantly knocking and shifting almost nervously on his feet. He was feeling anxious by now.

“Enter!”

There was a strangely pleasant feeling that swept through him at the sound of his Potion Masters’ almost bored and annoyed command. That voice had been doing this a lot to him lately. He cleared his throat and opened the door and closed it almost as soon as he stepped in. Almost the moment the sound of the door clicking as it closed, he felt himself being pressed hard against the door by a taller, stronger body. Harry glanced up, unsurprised, into Snape’s glowering black eyes. “You’re late,” he accused coldly.

“Sorry, Professor,” he murmured, bright green eyes slowly trailing over the older man’s face, from his dark eyes to his thin lips, slowly and absentmindedly licking his own. Black eyes flickered down to the movement and before Harry could even register what was happening, Snape’s lips were on his, kissing him deeply. Harry immediately returned the passionate kiss, sliding his arms around his professor‘s body at the same moment he felt strong arms wrapping around him, pulling him closer. Harry shuddered pleasantly beneath those strong hands, loving the feel of being trapped between the door and this strong body. He loved the feeling of how wrong it was and that desire stirring within him, so much better and stronger than anything he ever experienced from Hermione or Cho or any other girl or any other person.

“Severus?”

“Harry?”

Harry gasped, but Snape didn’t seem to notice, only moving his lips from his mouth and down to his jaw and neck. Harry’s eyes were wide, staring over Snape’s shoulder where Dumbledore and Hermione stood with wide, shocked eyes. Harry wanted to push Snape away, to say something, but couldn’t help the way his eyes fluttered shut or the way he moaned in pleasure as Snape continued to kiss him and touch him.

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“Harry?!”

Harry frowned, slowly blinking his eyes open as he felt someone shaking him harshly. He blinked rapidly, confused as he was pulled from his dream. He was laying on that familiar bed in the Room of Requirement and Hermione was hunched over him in a panic. What was going on? Being pulled from his slumber left him dazed and confused. What had just happened? The dream had seemed so incredibly real that finding himself in the Room of Requirement didn’t seem very right. They had just been caught by Dumbledore and Hermione! But…Harry shook his head, feeling his stomach twist up in knots at the thought.

Another dream.

It was not the first dream of this nature Harry had had. They all started back in summer, a few weeks before school started back. Gone were the nightmares and in their place were dreams of a very sexual nature, usually involving his teacher or other men. Now and then he felt normal having a dream about a female, but most of the time it were men like Severus Snape and Kingsley Shackelbolt and one involving Remus Lupin. He almost had one about Tom Riddle, before he had become Lord Voldemort, but he had managed to wake himself up from that one as it quickly turned into one of those nightmares he thought he had ridded himself of completely.

Harry shook his head, not wanting to think about the dream. He hated these dreams and the consequences that came along with them. He sighed at the stubborn tent in his pants, turning to Hermione, feeling slightly panicked and eager to get his mind off of this. But Hermione had jumped out of bed and was shaking slightly as she pulled her shirt back on. “We fell asleep! It’s past curfew! We need to go…now! Hurry up, Harry!” Hermione exclaimed, tossing him his shirt. “You missed detention…or your lesson…or whatever it is!” Hermione said, shaking her head. “I’m so sorry, Harry…God, we are so stupid!”

Harry sighed, feeling more disappointment than Hermione’s fear. Was it disappointment over having missed his detention? Harry swallowed hard and pulled on his shirt, not wanting to entertain that thought. Maybe it was disappointment over having to leave when he probably needed their time together more than ever now. He put on his socks and shoes and grabbed his bag, though, hoping the prefects would all be asleep and he could hopefully sneak in a good snog in the common room before retiring to bed. For now, though, he let Hermione drag him out of the room and down the corridors, sneaking the best they could along the dark walls. Hermione was muttering under her breath about how stupid they were and wondering why they hadn’t set the alarm and so many other things, but Harry could hardly hear her. He was too caught up seeing flashes of that dream before his eyes and desperately wanting it to stop, not wanting to think about it at all.

After a few minutes, Harry pulled them to a stop and pressed Hermione against the wall, kissing her as deeply as Snape had kissed him in his dream. Hermione squeaked in surprise and tried to push him away, but stopped after a moment with a moan. Even this was hardly working, still seeing Snape and that Potions classroom behind his eyes. Harry slid his hands up her thighs, around her back to grip her firm arse, and moving back around and up to cup her breasts…He reminded himself the best he could that he was with a woman. This was normal. This was what Harry needed to be dreaming about.

“It’s past curfew, you know!” grunted an irritated and familiar voice. Harry and Hermione jumped away from each other, turning to see Ron glaring at them, holding the hand of Susan Bones who was eying them all uncertainly.

“Could say the same to you,” Hermione said coldly, giving Susan the same look the Huffelpuff girl was giving her.

Ron just muttered under his breath and tugged Susan along. Harry and Hermione watched them go before Hermione grinned and sighed happily. “Thank you, Harry! Thank you so much!” Hermione whispered gratefully, throwing her arms around Harry and hugging him tightly.

Harry hadn’t seen Ron and Susan coming, but Hermione seemed to think so. Harry had no problem letting her believe he had done that for her…It made him feel a lot better to think of it that way. He couldn’t let his mind go back to that place, so he just thought about Ron and Hermione and Susan as he took Hermione’s hand and led her back towards the Gryffindor Tower.

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Author’s Note: Okay so I haven’t read or written fanfics in a few years so feedback would be wonderful!
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Lost and Damned