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The Pain Of Loss	By : Kitkatislovely95 Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 4673 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I own nothing of Harry Potter fandom. I make no money from this story.

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Hey guys! Well, here it is. I am not sure I am all that satisfied with it, but hey, that is up to you all.

Anyway, Here goes nothing.

The outside air of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was stiff and cold. No breeze to be felt; simply frigid air that hung lifelessly in the atmosphere. Almost as if it could sense the foreboding surrounding the students and staff inside the school and was mimicking their moods.

Hermione Granger sat at the Gryffindor table amongst her friends, not really paying attention to the conversations around her. She was too preoccupied with trying to pinpoint just what that morning felt utterly wrong. Though it seemed as if the more she thought about, the more the answer eluded her.

That is, until she heard what Ron was saying.

"Harry's bed looked the way it had yesterday morning, like he hadn't slept it in it last night." Ron's voice sounded concerned. Harry wasn't at the table with them either.

Hermione realized what was bothering her just as an ear piercing screech was heard throughout the Great Hall. As it reverberated around the room, Hermione was out the doors, following the direction that the next scream came from. As her feet took her closer and closer to the entrance of the school, breathing became a harder feat; the dread knotting her stomach tightly.

She rounded the last corner, not paying any mind to the footsteps following her, and stopped in front of a crying first year Hufflepuff.

He stopped screaming the moment he saw her, "I-he- Harry Potter......"

Hermione didn't listen to the rest of the kid’s sobbed explanation. She walked slowly forward, out the door of the entrance, her breath catching in a sob at the sight that greeted her.

Harry lie face first on the ground, crumpled and broken in a puddle of his own blood. His arms and legs were bent in odd directions; his spinal cord had caved in. His neck looked as if it survived the fall; thankfully, the blood had probably come from where his nose had been smashed into the concrete. Harry barely even looked to be breathing. It was terrifying sight.

With tears streaming in rivulets down her cheeks, she stumbled shakily to his side, her knees buckling as she knelt next to him.

"Harry...." She sobbed softly, reaching out a hand to feel for his pulse point.

She sobbed harder when she found it, however weak it may be. She couldn't contain the relief she felt rush over her like a tidal wave.

"He's alive. Gods, he's alive." She felt a hand rest softly on her shoulder, pulling her backwards. She looked to find Ron next to her, in tears as well. She threw her arms around him, holding on to him for dear life.

All she could do was cry and pray to whoever would listen that Harry made it. She couldn't lose the only brother she had ever had.

~SSHP~SSHP~SSHP~SSHP~SSHP~

Classes had been canceled for the day and all the students had been informed that they weren't to go anywhere outside of their common rooms. They had only been informed of a student being hurt and that they would have more information later.

They had levitated Harry's body to the hospital wing just as it was. Any major movement could have seriously damaged his chances of surviving. That had been about 5 hours ago and Poppy had yet to come out from behind the curtain surrounding Harry's bed.

No one said much as they waited for the news on Harry's condition. Ron and Hermione had refused to leave, not that it came as much of a surprise to anyone. But what had surprised them was Severus's decision to stay.

Severus wasn't sure why he had wanted to stay. Maybe he still felt responsible for Harry; maybe he just wanted to rub it in his face that he had failed in his attempt to take his own life.

He refused to believe the little voice in his head that told him it was because he was worried Harry might not make it.

He sighed almost inaudibly, remembering the image Harry had made outside splayed across the ground, bloody and mangled. He had to withhold the shudder that worked its way up his spine.

He thought about the night he told Harry that he was to come to him whenever he had felt the need to cut himself. Dumbledore had really asked him to keep Harry safe, but he hadn't meant it to be hands-on. But his real reason for doing it was because he had seen the way Harry had been acting, and had struck when he was most vulnerable. He was going to get revenge on James Potter by hurting the son the way the father had hurt him. Some may say it was a little over the top, but he felt he deserved to be the one to cause him pain for all that he had went through after he had lost James to Lily.

Contrary to what many believed, he hadn't loved Lily. He had loved James. James had been his for most of his school life as well but when 7th year had come, James had broken it off with Severus to finally pursue the one he had truly wanted. It had crushed him to know he had just been a time consumer and when Harry had come to Hogwarts, he had vowed to do the same thing to him if ever given the chance. And as if Merlin himself had finally answered his requests, he had gotten the chance.

He had to admit he was shocked when Harry had come to his door that first night, not sure he really believed Harry was so stupid as to believe that Severus wouldn't have an ulterior motive, but he had let him in and listened to him whine nonetheless.

He had let Harry come to him a lot the next few months and he could see the boy coming to depend on him more and more; could see the emotion changing into something different, something deeper. It had been exactly what Severus had wanted.

When the time had come to take things further, it hadn't been all that hard. As a matter a fact, all he had to do was tell the boy to call him by his first name and everything had changed on its own. Sure he had to tell Harry that he wanted him, but other than that, everything went smoothly. And it wasn't like it was hard to be attracted to Harry. He looked like his father in a lot of ways, but he had a lithe little body, delicately muscled and perfect, and those damn green eyes that twinkled softly in the light, or when he looked at Severus. So, getting hard for the brat was almost pathetically easy.

His plan was almost complete. Now all he had to do was wait for the boy to say those three little words. The words that he had used that had broken his and James's relationship as well.

Though, it was during the summer that he found himself almost missing the boy's company. He would find himself thinking of what Harry might be doing, if those muggle family members of his were treating him alright. He would stop that train of thought immediately as well as the feeling of loneliness as it crept into his conscious thought process, telling himself he just needed something else to occupy his time. He found a few bed partners over those months, again brushing the guilt away. He also chose to ignore the fact that none of his one-night-stands ever felt as good as Harry had.

When school started up again, he had almost rejoiced in seeing Harry again, as sick as the feeling made him. That night, he had spent an extra amount of time touching his body, searching for bruises or anything to suggest that Harry had been hurt; by himself or his family.

Finally, the moment he had waited for had come. Harry had whispered that he loved him... and Severus hadn't wanted to tell the boy the truth. He hadn't wanted to let go of him. In truth, Severus had wanted to pull the boy closer, kiss those petal soft lips and whisper the words back.

So, instead of doing what he originally planned, telling Harry the truth of why he had done any of this, he had simply told him that he shouldn't have believed this would ever be more than a fuck.

Watching Harry run from the room that night with tears in his eyes had almost made him call Harry back and tell him he hadn't meant it. But he hadn't done so. He had let Harry go; knowing now that he had finally broken the boy, that he now knew what Severus had felt all those years ago. But it hadn't brought the victorious feeling it should have. Instead, it brought only regret.

A month later, the death of the Dark Lord had been unexpectedly quick and incredibly painful. The pain of the dark mark disappearing was enough to make him drop to his knees and scream loud and long. He hadn't screamed when he had received the damn thing, but the pain of losing it had hurt all the more.

He remembered being horribly worried about Harry making it through. When Harry had made it out unscathed, he had let out a sigh of relief, wanting to pull him into his arms, but realizing that Harry wasn't his anymore. But he wasn't meant to think of Harry as his, now was he?

That had been about two months ago. Now, when he thought that Harry might die today, he felt fear and regret clench his heart tightly, restricting it from beating. He didn't understand why though. Harry didn't mean anything to him. Just a means to an end, right?

He was pulled from his thoughts by the curtains being pulled open. He wondered momentarily how long he had been lost in thought but stopped caring when Poppy opened her mouth.

"He'll survive with little more than a few bruises. I managed to heal his legs and arms though his back was a bit more difficult. I am relieved to say that he won't suffer and long term nerve damage, seeing as how somehow his luck stopped his spinal cord from severing completely. His nose was smashed, but it will have a slight bump in it from now on. He will have a few scars on his face from the rocks that had been imbedded into his skin. He had massive internal bleeding in as many organs," she stopped for a moment to sigh sadly. She really seemed to love that boy. "So many that we really don't want to list them all. All of his ribs had splintered, some of the bones puncturing his lungs. His scull as well as his neck made it, surprisingly. His hands and feet were just about shattered in the fall, but again, I managed to keep it from affecting him too much. Gods, it is a good thing they've created spells to fix all of this. I don't know how he survived, but he did. That's all that matters."

With all that being said, she started to walk off. But Severus had one more question to ask.

"When do you believe he will awaken?" She turned around, surprised that Severus Snape had been the one to ask that particular question.

"He should wake within the next few days, Professor Snape." She replied through her surprise,

Severus gave a curt nod and walked swiftly from the room. He didn't want to see the boy. He just had to make sure he was alright. After all, Dumbledore had asked him too.

~SSHP~SSHP~SSHP~SSHP~SSHP~

Harry was swimming in blissful darkness, smooth as satin against his skin, warm as he imagined his mother's arms to be. Gods, he could get used to this. He felt safe and loved here, almost as if this had always been how he felt. He couldn't remember much of how he got here, but he knew he had done it himself.

Slowly, he felt the darkness abate, leaving him cold and alone again. He wanted it to come back, but no matter how much he wished, it just kept drifting away. He reached out; trying to grip it, but it was already gone.

Harry opened his eyes reluctantly, not wanting to believe it hadn't worked. Why couldn't he ever do anything right?

"Harry!"

He squinted in the direction the voice had come, feeling gentle arms wrap around him. He inhaled softly and immediately knew it was Hermione.

"It didn't work then?" Harry asked, though it wasn’t really a question; he wouldn’t be here if it had worked.

She pulled back and narrowed her eyes at him, "Why did you try to kill yourself?"

Harry sighed softly. He knew he would have to tell her sometime.

"Hermione, I'm tired of only feeling the pain of life instead of the happiness. I've lost everyone I've ever loved, besides you, Ron and Remus, but everyone else is gone. I just couldn't take it anymore. Not after him, ‘Mione." His voice had trailed off into a whisper during the last part. He knew now he would really have to explain.

"Who, Harry? Does it have anything to do with why you had been sneaking off last year?" Her voice was soft, though her curiosity was getting the better of her.

"I fell in love with someone, Hermione. Someone who could never love me back. I was naïve with my heart and I lost it painfully. I didn't know what to do anymore." Harry's voice never lifted from more than a whisper. He wasn't sure how Hermione would take knowing who it was.

"Its Professor Snape isn't it?"

Harry looked at her in shock. How had she known that?

"How did you know that?" Harry blinked in surprise as he heard himself voice his inner question.

Hermione smiled softly at him. Harry was the most open person she knew. It wasn't hard to tell something had been going on with him and the Potions Master.

"Harry, I've known you for seven years. I would like to think that I could tell when and who you’re in love with."

He looked up at her hesitantly, afraid to see rejection there. He loved his friends; it was why he hadn't told them anything. He didn't want to lose them.

A small hand grabbed his chin and pulled it upward, "Harry, you're my best friend, my brother. I'll love you no matter what." Hermione smiled softly at Harry's teary smile.

Harry was suddenly hit with the urge to sleep. He yawned widely, his jaw cracking loudly, bringing his hand up to cover his mouth. Hermione just chuckled softly.

"I'll let you get some sleep. Now don't go doing anything stupid while I'm gone. No matter what happens, I'll always be her for you, Harry." She softly kissed his forehead before exiting out of the curtains, closing them behind her.

Harry was asleep in minutes.

~SSHP~SSHP~SSHP~SSHP~SSHP~

Within the next few days, Harry was visited by quite a few people. The Headmistress, Hermione and Ron obviously, Remus stopped by for a time as well, Luna and quite a few of his friends in Gryffindor; but not the person he wanted. Never the person he wanted.

Harry didn't know what to do now. He had wanted to leave this world forever, not fail in his attempts. He knew why he had though and it wasn't because he had done anything wrong.

Dumbledore had added Suicide wards around the school. They would have diminished when the former Headmaster died, except for McGonagall reinforcing them. Harry had been kept alive by the magic in the school and he realized that he would have to leave if he ever wanted to succeed in his mission.

Suddenly, Harry knew what he would do. He would leave. He would go far away where no one would know how to get ahold of him. Of course, he would have Hermione, Ron and Remus know where he was once he discovered where he would go himself. He couldn't stay here anymore, not having to see Severus every day.

With that thought in mind he started to plan. He would stay long enough for everyone to trust he wouldn’t pull any more stunts and he would make his move.

He sighed softly. Yes, this is what he would have to do. The only way he would get peace. The only way.

Well there it is. I know it could have been better, but I wanted to get this out for you guys. The next chapter will probably have a short time skip, but nothing to drastic just yet.

Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed it, and a special thank again to Born 2 B A Vampire for the idea of Harry leaving. It really saved me there.

As always, review and tell me what you think.

Love,

Kitkat
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The Pain Of Loss