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Pretences	By : tomo Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Remus/Sirius Views: 1564 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor do I make money out of it.

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PRETENCES

Disclaimer: First things first, the characters are not mine… but the story is, fortunately.

Rating: R

Summary: The only thing that Remus can do to be with him is to pretend.

Dedication: Once again, for my muse.

A/N: The ones in italic are the present scenes.

Chapter Two

I allow you to push me to the wall, gasping as my back hit it rather hard. I don't care, though. Pain is nothing as compared to the pleasure that I'm feeling at the moment. I moaned appreciatively as you ran your tongue along my neck, shivering delightedly as cold air attacks the wet trail left by it. I grasped fistfuls of black hair, dazedly marveling at its softness, as you rocked against me.

James? No, it isn't James anymore. I was right. He would get over it. I don't mind, though—I actually expected it. What I didn't expect was for him to get what he wanted. I'm not bitter—no, not at all. I'm happy for him. At least, one of us got healed—one of us escaped this hopelessness that threatened to swallow us whole. I'm really not surprised that James was able to have Lily… that Lily accepted him. After all, James is normal… unlike me.

I stole a glance at you as James announced the good news. You looked so happy for him. I wonder… would you be that happy if I told you about my feelings for you? I think not. You would be disgusted, I guess. You would hate me and I don't want that. I'd rather deny myself of your love than risk having our friendship lost. I turned my gaze back at James only to see him smiling sadly at me. I tried to smile in return.

I can hear people cheering us on. I closed my eyes, feeling myself, unexpectedly, grow even more excited. I can imagine how James and Peter's eyes would've popped out of its sockets if they ever saw me—us—like this. I tipped my head, allowing you to nibble lightly at my throat, growling unconsciously at my submissive act as the voices began to fade together with my consciousness.

I discovered this muggle bar three months after we left Hogwarts. I was walking through muggle London, on the way to my small, rented apartment, then. I was lost in thought, mostly about my bills, when I saw you. And, without thinking, I started following you.

As I entered, loud music assaulted my senses from all directions, drowning me. Helplessly, I looked around for you… scanning through the writhing, gyrating bodies, lost in the intoxicating beat. I gasped as I felt strong arms wrap around my waist. "Looking for someone?" I heard you whisper. I shivered at the closeness of your lips as I feel your breath brush through my temple. All I remember after that is: you, pushing me against the wall, and me, waking up the following day in a bed that is definitely not mine, beside a man that is definitely not you. Realizing my mistake, I hurriedly gathered my clothes and left. I never saw him—the man pretending to be you, or rather, the man I pretended to be you—again after that.

I cannot believe myself as I entered the same bar the following week, and the nights after that, looking for you. Surprisingly, I would always see you, and you would always come to me. I would always see that familiar smirk, feel that strong body, and rake my hands through that midnight black hair.

You know, I always laugh inwardly whenever we—you, James, Lily, Peter and I—meet each other. You guys always seem to fuss over me, asking me if I am able to get enough rest or able to have decent meals. I'm fine, really. There's nothing wrong with me. Then, I would look at you secretly, applauding your ability to cover up our nightly trysts.

The lights above me are flickering before my eyes. I clutched at your shoulders, as everything started rotating madly, making me grow dizzy. I gasped when I felt your cold fingertips touch my sides with feather-like caresses. I held your face and kissed you fiercely. You tasted of liquor—much like me, I suppose. Could it be that you were trying to numb your senses so that you can do this with me?

"Moony, are you sure you're ok?" You asked me two months ago as we prepared for James and Lily's muggle wedding. "Yeah, of course. What made you think otherwise?" I stole a glance at you. You were looking at me intently that I almost thought you were worried about me. But who was I fooling? You would never care about me. You shrugged and turned away, straightening your coat. You know what? I really thought you cared, though I know deep inside that you don't—that you wouldn't.

I picked at my food during the reception, oddly repulsed with the thought and smell of it. I heard you laugh at something. You were seated beside me then. I stole a look at you, immediately wishing that I hadn't—because apparently, you brought you newest girlfriend with you. I bit my lip and continued with my task of mincing small pieces of lettuce. "Remus, is anything wrong?" I heard Peter squeak beside me. The knife I was holding nearly slipped from my hand. "Huh?" I looked at him. "I was asking if anything's wrong. You haven't touched anything from your plate. I thought you love these, uh, leaves." He said. "Oh! I, uh, I just," I stammered, finding the best excuse I could muster, "I'm just not in the mood to eat, is all." I know it's not in the least believable because the next thing I know, everything grew quiet and you were pulling me aside into a secluded area.

"What's wrong with you, Remus!" You half-asked, half-exclaimed. I winced slightly. You only use my name, that is, after you guys have nicknamed me 'Moony', whenever you are serious—or angry. "Nothing." I mumbled. "Bullshit! Look at you!" You shouted, "You've lost a lot of weight! I don't even think you're eating regularly. What has been happening? Why don't you tell us!" I swallowed, the grass suddenly taking my interest. "Look at me. Damn it!" You tipped my head. I stared blankly at you, not even having the energy to show any emotion. "Nothings wrong with me, Sirius." I told you. You looked at me one last time clenching your jaw. I saw your fist tighten. I bowed my head, thinking you would hit me. However, no blow came. You simply walked away. I sighed, to tired and defeated to even cry.

The substances I took earlier must have been working for I can clearly see your face. I can feel the tiniest sensation, and it's perfect. I wrapped my legs around your waist as you lifted me from the ground. I can feel your arousal through your pants as you carefully rocked against me. I threw my head back in pleasure. Maybe… maybe… tonight, I can be able to feel you again.

Last month, I was shocked to find James at the door of my apartment as I was going out to seek you again. "James? How—" I asked and was cut off when he replied curtly, "I asked around." "Oh… Uh, well, come in." I stepped aside and allowed him into my apartment. I cannot, in the life of me, believe that this is happening. "I-it isn't… much." I said, motioning my hands, through the small and bare, except for the old rug, living room.

"Why didn't you tell us?" He asked. "Huh?" I looked at him questioningly. "Why didn't you tell us that you live here?" He looked around, as if inspecting every detail of the living room. I bowed my head. "I… I didn't want you guys to worry about me." He turned to me. "You know you could've called us. You could've lived with me for a while." He said. I smiled sadly at him. "Are you crazy? You just got married two weeks ago and you expect me to live with you?" He shrugged. "You could've stayed with Wormtail—" He continued, to which I immediately interjected, "—and his parents!"

We stood in silence for a few moments. Inspecting my ceiling now, James suddenly spoke up. "You could've stayed with Padfoot. He would've been more than willing." I laughed bitterly. "You know I can't, James." I sighed. "I don't want to make it harder for me." I said quietly. I looked out the window, not noticing that James has started walking around the house.

"Merlin!" I heard James exclaim from the kitchen. I rushed to him, dreading what he saw. "Remus, have you been drinking?" He was staring at the table, littered with bottles of cheap muggle liquor. I sighed in relief—at least he wasn't able to see those wonderful muggle substances that are hidden around the house. "I, uh…" I stammered. "What's wrong, Remus? I know there's something wrong. You've never done this before. What's happening? Padfoot even told me you're hiding something." My eyes grew wide. "Sirius…" I whispered. "He was really worried and angry that you wouldn't tell him what's wrong." James said, looking at me. I looked away. "There's nothing wrong, James. I mean it."

I mean it, really. There's nothing wrong with me. In fact, I'm having a great time. You see, now, I get to spend countless evenings with you. I even began to think that I'm feeling greater as compared to what I'm feeling in Hogwarts… because now, I get to have you anytime I want.

"You're so hot…" I hear you whisper. I smiled triumphantly, arching my back to let you feel my body. I hear you groan in response. I used this opportunity to plunder your mouth again. I can feel you pounding against me. Pulling away, I stared dazedly at your familiar face. Your eyes are closed, your mouth, slightly open, letting out small puffs of breath. I smiled appreciatively and leaned in to kiss the corner of your lips, traveling downwards to your neck.

Did you know that I had the worst transformation last week? Of course you wouldn't know that. You weren't there. It was the first time that neither you, nor James and Peter, was there. I'm not complaining, though. We have our own lives now. I know that Peter is preoccupied with his new job in the ministry. I also understand that James is an auror-in-training and is currently married to, and had to take care of Lily. And you… I know that you are currently having your auror training with James.

I understand all of you, I do. I have known since the day you showed me your animagus forms that all of this will have to end one day… it's just that I did not expect it to happen now. But still, there is nothing to worry about. I managed didn't I? Though I still have to visit Madame Pomfrey again since the wounds are deep and numerous.

I have to admit that the wolf did miss his pack. And the fact that I saw you the night before the transformation didn't help either… you were so close then… so, so real.

It was one of those nights that I felt I needed you. And when the muggle liquor and substances fail to quench my need, I walked again into that muggle bar, hoping to find you. It didn't take long. I found you almost as soon as I entered. You were seated in a corner, together with two others. I took a deep drag of air and started walking towards you.

Those muggle stuffs can really work wonders… making me confident enough to go near you… making me all the more addicted to you.

When I reached you, I didn't waste time. I need you now… I want you now. I felt you stiffen as I caress your neck, pausing to lean in and lick my way through the path made by my fingers. I pulled away to look at you. You looked back at me with wide eyes filled with surprise. I smiled seductively. Why the shocked look? We do this almost every night, don't we?

I ran my hand along your chest as I climbed onto your lap. I heard twin gasps coming from your two companions. I didn't mind them, though. As long as I have you, I don't mind what others might think of me. I raked my fingers through your hair, feeling the familiar softness. I closed my eyes, leaned in and captured your lips. It was intoxicating… I felt like drowning. Your scent overwhelmed me. Your scent… I opened my eyes. I pulled back immediately, as if burned.

"Moony?" I heard your confused voice, through my drug-blurred mind. "What just happened?" I can hear Peter's voice from your side. I shook my head, as if casting a fantasy gone out of hand away from my mind. After a while, I just stood there, staring at you, until I felt your hand on my shoulder. And, as if awakening from a dream, I snapped back to my senses and did the only thing I can think of… run.

You gasped as I bit your neck. I felt you shiver, sending delicious sensations through my body. "I want you." I heard you whisper huskily. I hugged you tighter, rubbing myself furiously against you. You gasped again. "Then take me." I whispered back, wanting this sweet torture to end.

I almost hit my head against the wall when I got to my apartment after our fateful encounter. My head hurt. The room was spinning wildly. I think I fell on the rug in the living room. Tears kept falling. I just let it be. I don't have the energy to stop it anyway. I feel so drained.

What would you think of me now? I don't think I ever want to know. I can imagine you not going anywhere near me. I don't even think you can look at me. I hate myself. How can I be so careless? I banged my head repeatedly against the floor until I turned numb. The next thing I know, Madame Pomfrey is in front of me, helping me hold onto a portkey.

As soon as I hit the floor of the Shrieking Shack, I felt the pull of the moon coursing through my blood. I started clawing furiously at my skin, as it stretched and broke. I cried in anguish. I cannot feel you guys. You have not come. I clenched desperately at the loose floorboards. My cries turning into howls as my consciousness left me.

"Merlin!" I heard James' voice as my consciousness returned the next morning. Every inch of my body is burning with pain. I can hardly move. I noted two pairs of hands trying to lift me. I cried in pain. "Don't worry, Remus, we'll get you to the infirmary really fast." Peter's trembling voice sounded beside me.

So, you did not come at all. Was it because of what happened last night? No doubt. My cries doubled… the reasons being physical—of the wounds and fractures—and emotional pain—of your loss—blurred as tears fell from my eyes. The pain was very much overwhelming that the only thing I can remember is Madame Pomfrey's voice crying, "Poor, poor boy…", before I, again, fell into the darkness.

"How do you want me?" I whispered, before licking the shell of your ear. "On your hands and knees, begging me to fuck you into oblivion." You replied, emphasizing your words as you rolled your hips suggestively. I licked my lips. I never expected you to be so direct. Who cares, though? My hands scrabble against your chest, trying to feel more of you. I can hear you calling me. I bit my lip and moaned your name.

It took a good amount of pleading before Madame Pomfrey released me from the hospital wing this morning. I limped my way to Hogsmeade before apparating to my apartment. As soon as I arrived, I fell on my bed and stared at the ceiling. James, Peter and Lily visited a couple of times during my stay in the hospital wing. You never did. I smiled bitterly. I guess you never will.

I got up and went to the living room, feeling underneath the old rug for those muggle substances that I reserved for nights like these. Tears started welling in my eyes as the syringe broke my skin. They never fell. I felt the familiar floating sensation overcome my pain. I stayed that way for a while before I stood up to further heal the pain, the only way I know how.

The air was thick when I entered the bar. The smell of smoke, liquor and sweat filled my nostrils. I breathed it in hungrily. I swayed through the throng of bodies, looking for you. I don't have to look far, though… because you found me. I turned around as soon as I felt your arms around me. I smiled appreciatively—the familiar hair, smirk and body. We moved to the music for a while, as sweat covered our bodies. I traced my hands through your face, trying to feel you… maybe… for the last time.

I allowed you to push me away from the crowd and into the wall where we are at the moment.

I released my legs from around your hips as your hand snaked into my shirt to caress my chest. "Have a place?" I whispered hotly, grinding my hips against yours. You moaned. "Come on…" I coaxed. You nodded, your lips refusing to let go of my neck. I held onto your shoulders as I heard a frighteningly familiar voice shout from behind you. "Fuck you!"

I never knew what happened after that. All I remember before I lost consciousness is that someone pulled you roughly away from me. Then, I saw another you delivering a blow to you. I shook my head in confusion. How can there be two of you? Maybe it has something to do with those muggle substances. After a while, your face swam before me, filled with worry. I felt someone lifting me. I was floating… higher… higher…

Then it grew dark.

A/N: Thanks for reading!
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Pretences