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"Why Me?"	By : SpeedyTomato Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male Views: 88152 -:- Recommendations : 4 -:- Currently Reading : 8
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and make no money off this work of extreme insanity.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
- 3
Beta'd by the amazing Tenchi. Love you, woman, you're the best!

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Chapter 2:

This is Voldemort? Are you sure about that?

Standing there, stammering, Sirius looked at the being that was, apparently, Voldemort. He was—well--shite, he didn't know what this was! He remembered the maniac from the last war, no doubt there. This—something, somewhere, somehow, had gone wonky and this, apparently, was the end result. With all that had gone on so far today, he wasn't sure that he hadn't just gone 'round the twist and was actually in the middle of a delusion. However, that feeling one always had for an hour or so post-orgasm was there, telling him, though he might wish it was a delusion, it wasn’t. It just meant things were about to get stranger than they were before.

Looking at those in front of him, still grinning, Tom had one hand on his hip and the other was stroking Nagini's head. Oh, he liked this! Beaming at Lucius, he said, “Though the whole thing is so strange, I like this!” Glancing at the two that were staring at him, mouths agape, he let out a high-pitched laugh then said, “And you are so lucky, Lucius! Two very delicious looking men! I'm jealous!”

Sighing, rubbing the bridge of his nose, Lucius then snorted, “I don't feel lucky. It's more like a nightmare! You need to find out about the spell, Tom! If there is a way to break the binding, find it!”

“Such a spoil sport,” Tom huffed. “Why question, Lucius? Just go with the good thing and enjoy! We both know that if it's debauched, you love it. Hell, you're try-sexual, we all know this! Even Nagini is afraid to slither around too much when you're about, thinking you might find it sexy and pounce her! Plants hold still around you because they are afraid you will find them waving sexily then they will get molested! No, you'll enjoy this! Just relax and have fun! However, to ease your mind, I'll see what I can find. I wouldn't count on that, though. Those types of bonds are such a bitch to break, if it can be managed.”

Glaring at Tom, Lucius ground his teeth then hissed, “Excuse me? We won't be bringing such matters up right now, Tom! Just--the bond, alright? See what you can do!”

“You'll enjoy it, admit it!” Tom teased, grinning, reaching out to ruffle Lucius' hair, cackling at the mutinous look on his chief lieutenant's face as he did. “I will though, so keep your panties out of a knot. Just don't expect a miracle here. I may be a tad smarter than most, but even I can't do the impossible, you know!”

Straightening his hair, Lucius glowered at Tom but said nothing.

Standing there, still behind Sirius, Harry blinked. As he listened to—well, whatever version of Voldemort this was because he wasn't sure this was the original, his mind was trying to wrap around some of what was said. Lucius molested plants and snakes? What the hell? Shutting his eyes, he leaned his forehead against the back of Sirius' shoulder and slumped. All he wanted was to get the hell out of here, find something for pain and to calm him down then sleep, nothing more. He didn't think the day could get any worse, or stranger, and didn't want to tempt fate in any way to find out.

Mouth agape, Sirius just stared, then glanced at Lucius. This was getting more bizarre with each passing second! He was expecting to be taken prisoner, tortured, hexed, cursed, something, not to hear how debauched Lucius was. Shaking his head slowly, he let out another of those high-pitched nervous laughs and tried to decide what the hell to do! Apparently they weren't in any danger. If Voldemort hadn't started throwing spells by now, he wasn't apt to. Just—what the hell? What did he want?

Standing there, still grinning, Tom looked at the other two. Actually, he felt sorry for them. They were stressed, no doubt there, and probably not sure what was going on. Seeing Black clutching onto his wand, looking at him, he sighed. He was well acquainted with what Sirius was like from the last war so he probably needed to handle this before it ventured into wands raised and spells flying. With a sigh, he said, keeping his tone soft, “You are in no danger, Sirius. I give you my word nothing will happen to you or your godson.”

“And I'm supposed to take your word for this?” Sirius asked before his mouth could engage the filter that was connected to his brain and stop certain things from exiting it. So far, things were calm and it might help keep it that way if he didn't antagonize the being standing there.

Snorting, Lucius asked, dryly, “You haven't heard of any mass torture sessions with Death Eaters, have you, Black? Killing sprees? Inferi? Dark Marks hovering over houses? All the other things from the last war?”

Thinking it over, Sirius had to shake his head. There was nothing, at least that he had heard of. They all knew Voldemort was back, having heard plenty, but since the mess in the Chamber, there had been nothing. Everything had run smoothly with them only hearing about sightings here and there. There was, of course, talk of Death Eater meetings, with Severus reporting on those. The breakout from Azkaban had happened, but there were no casualties from it. Just the release of prisoners, nothing more.

“Because there haven't been,” Lucius told him dryly. “We won't go into anything else, but things aren't how they used to be.”

Nodding slowly, Sirius looked back at Voldemort, not saying a word.

Waving a dismissive hand and huffing lightly, Voldemort said, “You are safe, you have my word. And, since it's as Lucius said and you can do nothing to hurt him, well, you'll be keeping my presence and what is said a secret. We are all protected and just having a fun little chat! Nothing more than that!” Looking at the young man behind Black, he said, “You're safe, Harry.” However, his brow furrowed when he saw Harry look at him, wide-eyed, obviously confused but then a there was a wince of pain with the young man rubbing his scar. “I'm causing you pain? How am I causing you pain? I don't intend to cause you pain!” Looking at Lucius, he asked, “How am I causing him pain, Lucius? Explain, please!”

“How do I know?” Lucius inquired with a shrug of his shoulders, tone incredulous. “I don't understand any of this!”

Rolling his eyes at Lucius, Tom stepped closer, then said, gently, “Just hush, Harry, and let me try to figure this out! You can say behind Sirius and no harm will come to you.” Reaching out, he touched the boy's scar then his eyes widened when Harry let out a groan of pain. “That pains? How? I don't understand this!” Looking at Lucius, who appeared as confused by the phenomenon as he was, he huffed, “A mystery! This—oh my, I don't understand. There is a connection there, this I know, but pain?” Stopping, he hummed to himself, tapping his foot, trying to think. Twirling his wand between his fingers, he looked at Harry, pondering the situation. After a couple moments he said, “I'm going to have Lucius cast a spell on your scar to get readings on it. Maybe we can figure out what is going on. He can't hurt you, so let him.” Looking at Lucius, he gave the name of a simple diagnostic that would reveal most any problems.

Nodding, he cast the spell then handed the slip of paper that came out of his wand to the Dark Lord and waited.

Looking over the readings, Tom's eyes widened then he said, “Oh, my! I think I know the problem! Big whoops here on my part.” Looking up, he glanced between the parties standing there then grinned sheepishly. “It's my bad! We can fix it though, never fear! Lucius, take Nagini for a mo, would you?” Having the snake slither onto Lucius' shoulders, then waving an admonishing finger at her, he said, “You behave, Nagini! No stunts, naughty girl.” Hearing her reply, he faced the other two. Pushing his sleeves up, though they fell right back down, he said, “Now, Harry, if you would, please? Be a good lad and step in front of your godfather. Shan't do anything to harm you, you have my word! Lucius and Sirius won't let me. Besides, you're quite lickable and all rawr, so I wouldn't do any kind of damage! I just need to fix a wee boo-boo I made that awful night way back. You'll then not hurt around me.”

Eyes wide at being called lickable, Harry just stammered. In his life he had been called many things, but lickable was never mentioned before and he didn't even want to think about what that might involve. He wouldn't even ponder 'rawr'. Clutching onto Sirius, sure his brain was melting then starting to ooze out his ears at this strangeness, he wasn't sure what to do.

Softening his tone, Tom said, “Shh--nothing to worry about, Harry. Just have to remove a teeny tiny piece of myself that got lodged in you so long ago. Big oops on my part! We'll get it out and I'll take it back, then you'll do so much better. Just stand in front of your godfather and we'll get rid of it for you. No, not something you need. Tsk, I was such an idiot. Silly me.”

Looking at Lucius who was sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose, but motioning them to continue, Sirius gently pulled Harry in front of him. “It won't hurt him? No after effects or anything like that?”

“Oh, no, no, no! Nothing like that,” Tom told him with a dismissive wave of his hand. “He'll feel a little something, like a heavy scraping, but no pain. And he'll be oh so much better without this little bit in him!”

Looking at Harry, though the young man was wide-eyed and staring at the Dark Lord, Sirius nodded then said, “Just let him, Harry. If the bond is how we think, I’ll know if he's trying to hurt you and stop it.”

“Exactly!” Tom told him enthusiastically, nodding while grinning. Seeing Harry standing there, though looking apprehensive, he said, “Alright, let's remove my mistake and we'll then see the results.” Casting a spell, he recalled the Horcrux embedded in the young man's scar. Though it took a minute, something that made Harry wince while it happened, the small ball of light finally emerged and honed in on Tom then vanished into his chest. With a sigh and smile, the Dark Lord said, “And that is done. I feel better and I bet you do too.” Reaching out, he gently ran one finger down Harry's scar and asked, “No pain?”

Blinking, Harry said, tone astonished, “No, no pain at all!”

“Excellent!” Tom grinned, nodding. “I removed all of it but the link is still there and I'd bet Lucius' hair that you can still speak Parseltongue. Those are things I don't think I can remove as it was affected permanently by that oops. Give it a go, Harry. See if you can still speak Parseltongue.”

Nodding, looking at Nagini, he hissed out a greeting to her. As expected, he could, grinning at her astonished response.

“Oh, yes! Very good! You can still! That's a gift I can't take back, sorry. However, you shouldn't have pain from the scar anymore and I won't use the connection to my advantage. No, Harry, you are safe!” Tom grinned, rubbing his hands together.

Having been lounging on Lucius' shoulders, muttering to herself, Nagini's head came up when Harry spoke to her. Not having been around a human that could speak to her other than Tom, she was excited by this. All but launching herself off Lucius' shoulder, she wrapped around Harry then told Tom excitedly, “He speaks! Mine, he's mine! I get to keep him! He can speak to me, so he's mine!”

Eyes widening as the massive serpent wrapped around him, Harry let out what could only be termed a panicked squeak. Hearing what she said, he tried to untangle himself from her, stammering and stuttering.

Rolling his eyes and letting out an exasperated huff, Tom stepped up then motioned for Lucius to help before telling his familiar, “Nagini! Let the poor boy alone! Harry has had a most trying and traumatizing day, so he doesn't want to be your teddy bear. Let the poor lad loose, you naughty serpent!” Sighing, he tried to uncoil the massive snake from around the poor lad with Lucius' assistance. Looking at Sirius, he said, “Your assistance would be useful here, Black. She won't harm you, but she gets rather attached and doesn't understand she can be frightening.”

Nodding, wide-eyed, Sirius tried to help remove the snake's coils from around Harry. It didn't seem to be working though. When they got one off, she just wrapped around him in another way.

Squirming around, making distressed sounds, Harry tried to get loose. It wasn't that she was squeezing overly tight or trying to hurt him, that wasn’t the case. It was just the fact that she was wrapped around him, proclaiming that she wanted to keep him. No, he didn't want to belong to a snake or even have one think that!

Huffing loudly, Tom told Nagini, tone exasperated, “Nagini! You silly serpent, listen to me! Let Harry loose! I'm getting miffed, Nagini! I'm tapping my foot here! You know that means I'm upset with you, you traitorous snake!” Hearing the snake start to whinge and whine, he told her, tone firm, “No, don't pout! It shan't get you anywhere, you naughty girl! Harry is not yours to keep!” Desperately trying to uncoil the massive snake with Lucius and Sirius' help, he sighed then shook his head. Schooling his tone into something softer, more conciliatory, he told her gently, “If you let Harry loose, I'll let you snuggle on Severus tonight. You know you like to do that! The huffy, grumpy noises he makes when you cuddle on him make you happy! Just let poor Harry loose and you can have Severus tonight. Does that sound like a good bargain?” Seeing the snake put her head near the poor lad's ear then flick her tongue in it and the panicked expression on Harry's face from it, he rolled his eyes then told her, tone firm once more, “Don't do that, Nagini! Harry doesn't want to feel your tongue in his ear! No, that upsets him! If you upset him too much he won't want anything to do with you in the future! You don't want that, do you? Naughty, naughty serpent! Let him be, Nagini!”

Finally, after several minutes of wrestling with her with Tom trying everything from cajoling to threatening, the three men finally managed to extract Harry from her grip. Immediately, Harry fled behind Sirius and hid there, peering over his godfather's shoulder at the snake, panting heavily and shaking.

After another huff at her, Tom tapped the giant snake on the head with one finger then admonished, “Naughty girl! Leave Harry alone! You upset him!” Looking at Harry, he shrugged, “What can I say? She's slightly spoiled! I blame myself, really. No, you're in no danger, I promise!”

Stammering, still wide-eyed, heart pounding, Harry managed to get out, “Just—keep her over there!”

“I will,” Tom assured him with a flap of his hand. “I'll get it across to her later when she calms down that you don't belong to her.” Looking down at the snake who was pouting, he huffed, “Shan't get you anywhere, you bad girl!” Shaking his head he looked at the trio then said, “She'll learn. Now, shall we press on?” Not waiting for an answer, he said, “The bond, though not what any of you may have wanted, is there. I think that can work oh so nicely for all of us!”

Looking at Lucius, he said, “I want you to go with Harry and Sirius here.” Hearing a huff and seeing the mutinous look shot in his direction, he raised his wand then sent a spell at Lucius that messed up his hair. “Remember, Lucius; me Dark Lord, you minion! That means I dictate!” Rolling his eyes, he then said, “There is a reason for this besides torturing you, though that is fun!” Grinning, seeing the look shot his way as Lucius tried to straighten his hair again, he then looked at the other two. “I assure you, no harm will come to you and I want nothing from your direction. The only goal here is to get poor Harry out of this war! Albus—well, Albus is getting old. I think he's seeing things that aren't there anymore. Sad, really, such a brilliant mind--” shaking his head, an almost comically sorrowful look on his face, tsking, he sighed. “Now, anyway—let Lucius stay with you. Observe and take in what Albus wants to happen, then see if it aligns with what you are seeing of me. Lucius can fill you in on what is really going on. Once you two make your choice, and it will all yours, you can relocate somewhere else where you are protected. I would suggest Malfoy Manor, as it's the lap of luxury! I will leave you alone. No, I don't wish to involve you in anything. However,” pausing, he grinned, “if you want to bring along that sexy, oh so delectable werewolf friend of yours, Remus Lupin, I shan't object!” That's where he stopped, making a growly/purry type noise.

Standing there, Sirius stared at Voldemort, not sure what to say. However, he nodded. If they were at Grimmauld Place, he and Harry were protected, he knew that. He might not be able to tell anyone about this meeting, but no one could get to them and Lucius couldn't betray them. That was about as good as it was going to get on this front.

Looking at Lucius, who appeared to be about to protest, a mulish look on his face, Tom grinned, “Oh, hush, Lucius! It'll be fun! Narcissa alone is going to love this!”

Groaning at the mention of his wife, Lucius pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head, “She's going to enjoy this too much!”

“She is!” Tom cackled, rubbing his hands together. “By now I'm betting the divorce papers have already arrived in her hands and she's dancing around the manor, singing, a grin on her face nothing could wipe off! Oh, this will be enjoyable to watch! To keep up appearances, she's going to get to shriek at you in public and let out her inner drama queen! You know she will love this!”

Face going stony, Lucius looked at Tom then intoned, voice devoid of emotion, “I hate you!”

“No you don't, sweetie! You love me and you know it!” Tom cackled, blowing him a kiss then sending another gust of wind to mess up his hair. “Enjoy, Lucius! Two lovers, both men! One is young! Your favorite! And Sirius has this big, cuddly, fuzzy dog animagus form. Oh, darlin', you'll be in seventh heaven! A pervert's dream!”

Eyes widening, a look of panic on his face, Sirius stiffened then looked at Lucius, before taking several steps sideways away from the man, shaking his head. “Uh--no! Oh, no! No way in hell!”

Poor Harry was confused. He had no clue of what was going on here other than the basics. Nor did he understand what was just said that could have set Sirius off. Shaking his head, all he could think of was that Tom—the Dark Lord—Voldemort---whoever this happened to be right now, was right. Padfoot was great! Shaking his head, he asked, “Um-- what does that mean anyway? Padfoot is just as he described.”

“Never mind, Harry! I'll explain it to you in a few decades,” Sirius told him, voice rising in pitch as he looked at Lucius warily.

Glowering at Tom, grinding his teeth, Lucius hissed, “Move along to something else, if you would! My son is going to be involved in this. I want to see him, you know!”

“Well, of course you do,” Tom soothed, making a placating motion with his hands. “Just calm down. I know your prenuptial with Narcissa makes provisions for visitations. With the protections where you are going, it can be handled. That's clear, Lucius. He will be brought to visit you. Neither he nor Narcissa will be able to give away the location. All will be safe. It'll just have to be worked out. Contact your solicitor and even Albus will have to make provisions.”

Sighing, knowing Tom was right, Lucius nodded.

Clapping his hands then rubbing them together, Tom looked at the trio gleefully before asking, “Any other questions or problems?” Lucius shook his head. Though the other two still looked slightly shell shocked, they didn't appear to have any. Reiterating to them once more, “Any questions, ask Lucius. I assure you that you're in no danger from me and he will answer all the queries you can ask him. Now, let's get you back before that annoying headmaster comes hunting you up. No, that wouldn't be good! Now, Lucius, you know the spell to get Bella to back off? I imagine when she sees you three show up together and that you're protecting them, she's going to become more unhinged than normal.”

Not even wanting to contemplate dealing with the batty Bella, Lucius grumped, “I do. I'll use it.”

“Good. That will get it across to her even when she’s at her most deranged.” Sliding his glamour back on, he said, “You lot go find Albus and make nice then get out. I need to go be dramatic and pretend I'm all evil! Any questions, ask! You're safe, remember that!” Then, with an almost theatrical swirl of his robes, he was off, walking down the hallway, admonishing Nagini once more for her behavior.

Standing there, looking at the place the--whoever the hell that was, just walked away from, Sirius asked, “What the hell happened to him? That—it's not even remotely the same as the last war! Are you sure that's him?”

“It's him,” Lucius groused. “We're not exactly sure what happened, honestly. Our best guess is that between the unicorn blood and Potter here, something twisted somewhere. This is the result. It's strange, we all admit that, but it's better than what he was like during the last war! Do you want that maniac back, Black?”

“Hell, no!” Sirius told him, looking warily in his direction. “His goals—world domination still going?”

“No,” Lucius told him with a firm shake of his head. “There are goals, yes, but far different. Those we'll get into later when we have some time. I'm certain, in the end, there's going to be a fun park named Happy Playful Unicorn Land or something equally sickening in the offing, but there are some legitimate ones there. And he isn't lying to you. He wants Harry out and not involved.” Straightening his robes and making sure that his hair was perfect again, he said, tone disgruntled, “Shall we go make the final part of the humiliation for the day complete and find Albus? By now, I'm certain mass panic is ensuing in trying to find the both of you.”

Nodding vigorously, Sirius said, “Yes, we need to find him. This is a fucking mess!” Looking at Lucius warily, remembering some of what was said, he then hissed, “When we get out of here there is a long talk in the offing! There are ground rules going to be laid and you will abide by them!” Lowering his voice, he said, “And no looking at Padfoot funny!”

Glowering in Black's direction, Lucius huffed but said nothing then began striding down the hall. Oh, he would be getting even with Tom for some of what was said! Even if it was accurate.

Pulling Harry out from behind him, he put his hand on his godson's shoulder and began to walk, sighing softly. “Don't worry, Harry, we'll get something figured out here. At least you'll be out of the mess for a while.”

Shaking his head, walking gingerly, still wincing at the soreness, Harry said nothing. Really, this was so far beyond strange that he didn't even know what to start thinking about it or how to react! Just—well, he didn't know. Leaning against Sirius, he sighed, letting his godfather lead them along.

Seeing his godson still duck-walking, Sirius groaned in agony. This was bad. Shaking his head as guilt welled up, he asked, quietly, “Do your old godfather a favor and tell him that you've done something sexual before, alright? It would make me feel a lot better.”

Looking dour as he glanced at Sirius, Harry then brightened and grinned before asking, “Does snogging someone count?”

Letting out a maniacal laugh, Sirius shook his head then replied, “No, Harry, snogging doesn't count!”

Disgruntled look on his face, Harry then huffed, “Well then, no, I haven't.”

“Bloody hell,” Sirius groaned, rubbing his eyes. “When I get to the next life, your parents are going to hex the living shite out of me!”

“Yeah, well, it isn't like we had a choice in this,” Harry groused. Glancing at Lucius, who didn't look any happier than either of them right now, he asked, curious, “Does he really let Nagini snuggle on Snape?”

Lips quirking slightly, an amused expression on his face, Lucius replied, smoothly, “Oh, yes. Severus is Nagini's favorite teddy bear. The Dark Lord doesn't torture like he used to, but he has his ways. Tickling charms and being snuggled by Nagini are his favorite ways to torment Severus. You know him, he's always so grouchy and dour. It's rather amusing to watch, actually.”

Unable to help himself, Harry grinned at the image of Snape being wrapped up by Nagini, looking thunderous. Even Sirius seemed to be chuckling at that part. Well, at least there were a couple laughs here to make up for everything else!

Leading them through the winding hallways, Lucius finally managed to guide them to the entrance to the Hall of Prophecy. Standing at the door, listening to the sounds of what he thought was a battle, he sighed. Knowing this was going to be bad and Bella was going to have to be dealt with, he said, tone resigned, “Stay behind me. I know how to get the psychotic one to back off without people getting hurt. I have a feeling once we make an appearance, Tom and the others are going to vanish. Then we can deal with Albus. Now, stay close and let's finish our humiliation.” Seeing the two nod, he stiffened his spine and walked through the door, wand at the ready.

Leading them through the maze of shelves, they finally arrived at the main part of the hall where Dumbledore and Voldemort seemed to be battling it out. Making sure Black and Potter were behind him, Lucius glowered when he saw Bella. Immediately, the deranged sister of what he was certain was by now his ex-wife saw them then cackled and began to dance in their direction. Hearing that oddball baby talk of hers, he lifted his wand and waited. Making sure the two were behind him when she got into range, he let off a spell that was purplish in color, something that seemed to make her hair stand on end and knocked her back a couple feet. Sobering up, sanity returning to her eyes, Lucius saw her nod then she took off in another direction, cackling. Lowering his wand, though keeping it in hand, he looked at some of the other Death Eaters around. They, too, had seen what he had done and understood, giving him the barest of nods. Then, all of them seemed to vanish into the woodwork. Even Tom cut off his battle with Albus and vanished. It was over and time to face the humiliation that was to come.

Quickly, spying them, Albus made his way over. Looking at Lucius, eyes wide, he asked, “What is going on? Lucius? You have changed sides?”

Glowering at the headmaster, grinding his teeth, Lucius hissed, “I have not! However, we ran into an issue in the room dealing with bonds.” Stopping there, he waited.

Eyes starting to twinkle, looking amused, the aging headmaster looked at Sirius and Harry then asked, “This is true?”

“Oh, yes,” Sirius sighed, rubbing his eyes. “We've got problems, Albus. Big ones.”

“The three of you?” Albus asked, eyes twinkling more, starting to chortle over the thought.

“The three of us,” Lucius told him through clenched teeth, looking murderous.

Looking decidedly amused, Albus said, “Well, I see—yes, we have to deal with this, don't we? How close is the bond?”

“Too close,” Sirius groaned, flushing slightly. “Let's just say he tried every curse and hex on us he could think of. They wouldn't manifest. We have a problem.”

“Oh,” Albus said, not even trying to look dismayed or concerned, eyes twinkling more. “Was sex involved?”

Face flaming, Harry groaned and buried it in the back of Sirius' shoulder, unable to even look at the headmaster.

Rubbing his eyes, Sirius just nodded, saying nothing.

Giving a pleased snort, looking downright cheerful when he glanced at Lucius, who just glared at him, Albus said, tone light, “Yes! I can see where this is something that needs to be dealt with! Let's see now--” he trailed off, beginning to fumble in his robes for something. Pulling out an old scrap of parchment, he quickly made it into a Portkey. “Take this and you'll go to my office. From there we'll work out the details and see what we can do.”

Scowling, Lucius quickly grabbed the thing, wanting to get away from the damned old man, even for just a short while. Looking at the other two, he waited. When Black and Potter grabbed the parchment, they were whisked away with Lucius vowing that someone, somewhere was going to be hexed before the day was out to let him blow off steam!

Yes, I'm a very disturbed person and, no, there's not hope for me. I'm fun though!

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"Why Me?"