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Songs of Regret	By : RavieSnake Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Draco/Hermione Views: 76454 -:- Recommendations : 5 -:- Currently Reading : 17
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters from it. I also hold no rights to any of the songs mentioned. I make no money from the writing of this story.

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Hermione Granger-Weasley woke with a start.

She realized that she had fallen into an uneasy sleep and the feeling of despair that had briefly subsided in the pit of her gut returned full force as she turned to her left to eye the other side of the bed.

It was empty.

She laid her head back onto her pillow, closed her eyes and sighed. Did she even dare look to see what time it was? She rolled over to her other side and looked to the alarm clock on her night stand.

5:00 am. 5:00 am!

Hermione sat bolt upright and tried to stamp down the feeling of panic. He never came home last night. She jumped out of bed and went down the hall to the living room.

‘Maybe he slept on the couch’, she thought hopefully. But nothing but an empty couch bathed in an eerie early morning light met her gaze.

She checked the bathroom. She had found him curled-up on the cold tile floor more than once before, but this morning it remained body free. She opened the door to the basement and could already see that the lights were off. He wouldn’t be down there in the dark. She closed the door quietly and leaned against it. She tried to calm her breathing as her mind started to race and her insides burned with worry and anguish.

Was this finally it? Had he finally gone too far and gotten in trouble? Was he hurt? Had he left her for good?

That last questioning thought caused the searing in her gut to triple and she actually doubled over with a silent sob. Why was he so unhappy with their life?

She had tried so hard to be a good wife. She had never done anything wrong. So when she found the first bottle of Firewhiskey hidden in the basement Floo, she ignored it. But then there was the one in the flower planter outside. And the one in the shed. And the one under his side of the bed, the one at the back of the freezer, the two in the garage, and the one in the car.

Then he had started to become distant with her and the children. He barely spoke to them. After work, when he didn’t go out to the pub, he would retreat into his “man cave” in the basement. He’d stay down there for hours, then come back upstairs all bleary-eyed and crawl into bed without eating. He’d wake the next morning with just enough time to dress for work and leave after giving Hermione only an obligatory kiss to the forehead. His hygiene had begun to slip and Hermione on more than one occasion had had to remind him that he needed to shower. If she could smell his body odor being so used to him, then he must have smelled awful to his coworkers and strangers. This thought embarrassed her immensely and that’s when she really started to worry.

Ron Weasley was no longer Ron Weasley.

She had tried to confront him about his apparent depression and budding alcoholism, but he would always become defensive and aggressive from the outset. Ron would shut-down almost immediately and respond to her demands for discussion with snide comments and sarcasm. Every time he came home or upstairs drunk and she tried to get him to open-up he called her nasty names, insinuated that she was some kind of horrible shrew and accused her of being unfaithful.

The mornings after their fights, he would apologize and tell her that he loved her. For a day or so he’d actually seem to return to the land of the living, asking her about her day and playing with Rose or Hugo. But then just as quickly he would go back to his stagnant misery and ignore them.

They would usually go a few weeks in between these rows and Hermione knew that this next one would be bad since it had been building for nearly two months. She was now unsure if she would dread it more if he did come home rather than not. She quickly pushed the idea from her mind. Of course she wanted him home. She loved Ron. She just wished she knew why he didn’t love her anymore.

Hermione calmed a bit and stood up straight. She pushed off the basement door, went to the kitchen, and set about making herself some tea and toast. As the water was heating, she went to check on the children.

She went to Hugo’s room first and found him sprawled out in his bed snoring softly. Hermione felt a small pang in her heart at the sight. Aside from his hair color he was the spitting image of his father. She closed the door and slid down the hall to Rose’s room. Peering inside she saw her daughter sleeping peacefully. Her new school trunk was at the end of her bed and Hermione knew that it was already packed and ready to go for their morning trip to Kings Cross to put Rose on the Hogwarts Express.

Hermione smiled sadly and turned to go back to the kitchen. As she sipped her tea, her worry and sadness began to morph into anger. Why did he do this? How could he do this to them, to Rose especially? He was supposed to be there for them, to be “Daddy” and a loving partner. Depression or not, he was being such a selfish bastard! Fury now overwhelmed Hermione and she glared at the front door, daring it to open.

As if on cue, Hermione heard the click of the lock as the door opened and she narrowed her eyes as a mop of red hair came into view and the tall, gangly body of her husband clambered inside.

“Good morning,” she said in a low dangerous tone.

Ron stiffened and turned to her as he closed the door. “M-morning,” he hiccupped.

He made his way into the kitchen and sat in the chair across the table from her with a hard slump. He propped his elbows on the table and placed his face in his hands. Hermione silently glared daggers at him wondering how best to start making him feel like crap. Before she made to open her mouth Ron took a deep breath and in a harsh whisper said, “I know you’re mad.”

Hermione snorted indignantly. Ron ignored it and continued, “I know I’m a total fuck-up and I don’t want to row. I’m sorry.”

Hermione leaned back in her chair and sighed heavily. So this is the route he wants to take this time. He had done this before. He would admit he was an idiot and then she would forgive him and that way he could go right to bed and pretend nothing had happened. Not this time.

“I’m tired of you saying you’re sorry, Ronald. It means nothing anymore. Your word is worth less than nothing. You’ve done this to me for too long. I’m a big girl and I’ve taken your abuse, but now it is beginning to affect the children. I cannot stand for that. Did you forget that in just a few hours Rose will be on her way to Hogwarts? When you’d rather go and get drunk than help your only daughter get ready for school and risk being absent for her send off, then there is a something VERY wrong. Why are you like this!? Why are you so unhappy with us…with me!?”

Ron said nothing and just shook his head while staring at the floor. Hermione barely suppressed the urge to scream at him and ground out, “Who were you with anyway?”

“I was out with Seamus.”

“Fucking, Seamus,” she spat. “The most ineligible bachelor ever to come out of Hogwarts . Ever wonder why he’s single, Ronald? All he does is drink and get his friends into trouble. Why do you insist on following his lead? Merlin! I’d be less angry if you had gone out and done this with Malfoy!” she shouted, hoping the mention of their old enemy would irk him further into the guilt she felt he deserved.

“Funny you should bring him up, Mione. He’s usually at the pubs getting just as drunk as me and Seamus,” he replied flatly.

Hermione closed her eyes in frustration. Where all men pigs? Was this just a fact of life? Were all the women of the world doing exactly as she was right now: trying to reason with an arsehole home late from a night of self absorption?

She tried to imagine Astoria Greengrass berating a disheveled Draco Malfoy in an enormous dining hall. She smirked briefly at the thought.

“Whatever, Ronald. I’m done.”

Hermione rose from the table and placed her dishes in the sink. She left Ron sitting at the table and went to into the bathroom. She stared at her reflection for what seemed like hours. She didn’t cry this time; in fact the burning worry and sadness were gone. She now felt nothing. Whoever that man in her kitchen was, he wasn’t the man she had married. She didn’t love that man. She loved Ron, but he seemed to have destroyed himself. If she felt anything at all it was regret that she was unable to figure out how to have helped him before that had happened. For all her intelligence, she was at a complete loss when it came to battling his demons. The demons he wouldn’t even discuss with her properly. She sighed deeply again and went about readying herself for the day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The morning had passed relatively smoothly. Hermione kept an indifferent attitude towards Ron and focused on getting the family ready and out the door on time. She had made sure that nearly everything was ready the previous night, so it wasn’t a difficult feat.

Gone were those days of rushed chaos that Hermione and Ron remembered from their own first days back to school. Hermione prided herself on being punctual and prepared. Rose had inherited this from her and had insisted that she wear her Hogwarts robes to start and had had her trunk prepared ever since they purchased her supplies a few weeks prior.

Ron had been quiet, but otherwise acted rather “normal.” Hermione suspected that he was really feeling guilty about his latest screw-up and that her declaration of being “done” was enough to scare him into thinking she’d leave him. She still wasn’t sure that she wouldn’t.

Their little family of four now stood on platform 9 ¾ waiting for Harry and Ginny Potter to meet them with James, Albus, and Lily. Rose and Albus were starting Hogwarts together. The cousins were very close and Rose had barely spoken of anything but how they couldn’t wait to be sorted and start using their wands. Rose had already read all of her school books and had been pestering Albus to do the same the last week before school. Hermione had felt a very strong sense of pride and nostalgia at the fact.

It was only a few minutes until they saw the Potters approach them through the hazy station. The children immediately launched into conversations and teasing.

Hermione beamed at the familiarity of it all. She was pulled out of her reverie when she heard Ron start talking to Harry about his recent “success” in achieving his driver’s license. She replied curtly that she had had faith in him passing his driving test when he told Harry that she had thought he’d have to Confund the teacher. Harry didn’t seem to notice the accusatory tone of Ron’s statement, but Hermione wasn’t fooled.

‘Just another attempt on his part to transfer his guilt to me’, she thought bitterly.

The children had shifted conversation to the houses into which they wanted to be sorted. Ron jokingly told Rose that he’d disinherit her if she was in anything other than Gryffindor. Hermione and Ginny both scolded him lightly, but Hermione briefly smiled as she caught a glimpse of her husband’s old humor in the exchange. Ron’s face suddenly changed and Hermione noticed him lean nearer to Harry and say, “Look who it is.”

Hermione turned her face slightly in the direction of their gazes and saw Draco Malfoy standing at the other side of the platform with his wife Astoria and a miniature version of himself.

Hermione couldn’t help but notice how Malfoy and Astoria seemed cold towards each other. They were standing as far apart as they could while still remaining within reaching distance of their son. They did not look at each other and, while they both wore smiling faces for their boy, their body language suggested that she was angry and he was annoyed.

‘Maybe Astoria really was doing the same thing as me this morning’, Hermione thought solemnly. She was removed from her thoughts by Ron’s voice once more.

“So that’s little Scorpius. Make sure you beat him in every test, Rosie. Thank God you inherited your mother’s brains.”

“Ron, for heaven’s sake. Don’t try and turn them against each other before they’ve even started school!” Hermione responded.

“You’re right, sorry,” said Ron.

Hermione heard him keep talking, but she was no longer listening. The dormant anger from earlier had suddenly flared in her at his light apology. She knew she was overreacting, but his apparent ease of transitioning right back into role of caring father and happy husband made her sick. Just this morning she hadn’t meant enough to him for him to call and let her know he was alive and now he suddenly admired her brains. What a crock of shit.

She shoved the anger down and focused on Rose. She hugged her daughter close and told her she loved her, giving her advice about the school year to come as the others talked amongst themselves. Hermione remained in a strange emotional haze of anger, happiness, and sadness as the children boarded the train with eager faces. Just before the train lurched forward she heard Ron make some comment about being famous. She assumed correctly that the other adults thought he was making a light joke, but she knew the subtleties of Ron’s demeanor. She caught sight of his pained eyes.

One of his demons was poking around to come out.

Once the train was out of sight Harry and Ginny had offered to take the remaining four adults and two children out to lunch, but Ron quickly declined stating that he had to get to work. Hermione knew very well that his brother George would not have minded if Ron had been a tad late to his position at the joke shop, but she didn’t contradict his excuse.

She figured that he was either still hung-over from the night before and didn’t want to keep struggling with the effort to hide it from his sister and best friend, or he was so far into his own depression that the prospect of being in a situation of levity was painful. She did agree to have Harry and Ginny take Hugo along though, so that he and Lily could spend the day together.

After a few minutes of light last minute chitchat with Harry and Ginny, Hermione and Ron found themselves walking back to their car in silence.

When they arrived at the car Hermione couldn’t help herself. “Why didn’t you want to go out with Harry and Ginny?” she asked.

Ron’s face had turned stony and he shrugged. “I didn’t feel like it. Besides, I’ve got work,” he said shortly.

“You haven’t got to be to work until one. We had plenty of time to…”

“Susan,” Ron interrupted.

“What?” Hermione choked out, thoroughly taken aback.

“I’ve been seeing Susan Bones. You asked me why I was unhappy with you. It’s because I’ve had nothing but you,” he emphasized the last word as if it tasted bad in his mouth. “I’ve never been able to just live my life. It’s always been about my siblings, or you, or Harry or the kids. I never had a time just for me! You hound me every chance you get, make me feel stupid, point out all my short comings. I work my hands to the bone to give you and the children all you need, but when I tell you I love you, you act like you never believe it. I’m tired of feeling suffocated.

Susan makes me happy. She is carefree and never belittles me or tries to make me angry by throwing her intelligence at me. She doesn’t care what I do or how drunk I get and I’m not sorry to say that I spent all night with her last night and I plan to do so again every night from here on out. Not that you’d mind though. More time to bunk-up with whatever bloke you’re shagging now. You seem pretty caught-up on Malfoy,” he finished angrily.

Hermione stared wide-eyed at the seething ginger before her. She couldn’t even respond as her breath caught in her throat and a black hole opened itself inside of her, sucked out her very soul, and obliterated it. It was a miracle that she was still standing. Her head pounded and she wasn’t sure if it was because all of her blood had rushed into it or out of it. Her world was completely upside down.

She clenched a hand to her chest and all she could manage to say was, “Ron.”

He glared at her unsympathetically and opened the driver’s side door of the car to get in. “I’ll be moved out by tonight. Good bye, Hermione,” was all he said as he closed the door and started the car.

She watched him drive off and then willed herself to run into a nearby alley before collapsing to the ground in sobs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: The general scene from the station and quotes in bold are taken from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Epilogue.
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Songs of Regret