Shiver

Three Years Ago…

I didn’t want to go to school, I didn’t want to make new friends, and most of all I didn’t want to see the empty seats.  Victory is never absolute, and in our case it was bittersweet. 

We grew old before we were ever really young.

Hey guys, I never told you this, but when you stood up for me I felt valued and loved.  I was happy to stand by your side, even if I couldn’t do much.

A cool breeze ruffles my new hair cut: short.  Because this is the beginning of a new chapter in my life.  And part of that beginning is coming here, to where those who died two years ago now sleep.

 I came here to say hello.  To show my gratitude, my love, and mostly just to have a good cry. 

'Crying is part of how we process things,' my doctor told me, 'It may be helpful to go to the places you wish to avoid.'

So I came here.  The entire way I wanted to run away and return to my room.  But when I saw how peaceful this place was, I somehow knew that it wasn't just about me coming here.  It was about them, who were waiting for me as well.

I want to tell them so much more, but there aren’t enough words to express how I’m feeling. It's harder than I think, so I turn and face Ginny.

‘Did you tell them you’re going back to school?’ Ginny says from behind me.

And I laugh because the reason why I came has completely slipped my mind.

Shaking my head I sternly cross my arms and say aloud, ‘I am finishing up school guys. I know you must all be shocked, but I have been selected for a special trial program.  The school is setting up a program for those who did not go back.  Apparently I am not alone, and I am to be the guinea pig.  So I will be a proud graduate and no longer a drop-out.’

This makes me laugh.  I am probably the last person anyone imagines of when they think of drop-out.  I imagine Ron rolling over in his grave and it makes me laugh harder. 

God it feels good to laugh again.  I am not going to let myself go back to that dark place again.

Ginny squeezes my hand and I feel lighter.  As if weight has been taken off my shoulders.

‘Feel better?’

I squeeze her hand back, and say with forced optimism, ‘Much better.  I feel like it’s going to get a lot better from now on.’

I don't tell Ginny how nervous I am.  I don't want her to worry.  So I smile.  It is not a fake smile, but inwardly I cringe slightly from guilt.  I know I am not being entirely honest, but I tell myself this is enough for now. 

I can do this.

___

I appreciate the reviews!  I have an idea now of what I will do.  Expect a lot of angst, and of course, a dreadfully twisted story :D :D  I am feeling that this is going to be long, maybe as long as deception.  Who knows.  PLEASE REVIEW!!!!

And: Non preoccupatevi se è in italiano, apprezzo le vostre risposte! Io uso traduce quindi mi dispiace se non è un gran che!