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Treading a Troubled Track	By : SnapesOnlyOne Category: HP Canon Characters paired with Original Characters > Het - Male/Female Views: 1833 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or make any money from writing these fics.

Chapter List
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Another two weeks passed with no contact, until a fight breaks out in my seventh year Gryffindor/Slytherin class resulting in the Gryffindor being sent to Madame Pomfrey and a group of Slytherins to be punished. As agreed in my contract, I am to call the head of house to deal with issues instead of dealing with them directly. I was told it was because I was too close in age to them, but I know the real reason is because I was a Death Eater and they didn't trust me. If they only knew that I had more than redeemed myself.
I sit at my desk marking papers, awaiting Severus to deal with his students, when he storms into the room. Slamming the door behind him, causing both the students and myself to jump. He billows down the aisle, before stopping beside me and turning to face the students.
"Are you all bloody fools? A fight in the middle of the classroom? Ten points each from Slytherin, and you will each be serving a weeks detention with me, starting this evening. Dismissed!" he snarls coldly.
The students stand, quickly grabbing their things and leaving. Severus follows them and just as I am about to breathe a sigh of relief, he turns and starts heading back toward me.
"You need to get your classes under control Miss Blanchett, you are earning a bad reputation as an easy teacher. They won't renew your contract come summer if this continues."
"After the last couple of months, I have been debating coming back myself," I respond just as coldly in return.
He stills, staring at me quietly for a moment, he doesn't ask but I know he wants an explanation.
"I am not cut out for this, they don't respect me, nor do any of the staff. I hardly think it would be beneficial for me to stay" I continue, while carefully continuing my marking.
"In most cases, Miss Blanchett, respect needs to be earned," he begins
"That's easy for you, they all know what you did for them, they respect you for your sacrifices, and you are intimidating to boot."
"I was not finished, so if you would be so kind as to refrain from your incessant prattling for a more than a moment," he sneers at me "in some circumstances, respect may need your force. You have done nothing to directly benefit them, so perhaps being intimidating is your métier as well. You were a Death Eater, use that…” he points to me “use it if you must."
"I would never use the worst part of me to install fear in place of respect Severus. I have done much to directly benefit the very people who spit in my face day after day. Nothing I do will change the fact I took the mark, I will always just be another filthy murdering Death Eater" I spit, realizing my mistake as soon as it was said.
Severus’ dark eyes narrow at me and he grabs a stool, pulling it to the opposite side of my desk and sitting down, his gaze never leaving me.
"There is something you are hiding from everyone Miss Blanchett, I have sensed it since I saw you here. And I believe your story of Dumbledore’s acceptance to be altered to suit your hiding whatever that may be."
"I’ve no idea what you could mean."
"Don't. lie. to. me." his formidable drawl causes an intake sharp breath and I sit back in my chair.
"Tell me what it is you offered to Dumbledore that resulted in him trusting you enough to grant you a contract to teach here upon finishing your own schooling."
"I told you already, any information I was privy to that you were not, like the fact Draco was being set up to fail in his attempt to kill Albus Dumbledore."
*****
Another’s week’s time had passed since I’d walked out on Severus, and I couldn’t seem to keep an anger I thought I’d solidly built up, from coming to the surface like a wave rising only to fall. That is how I feel about my anger, a vicious wave that will always crash down.
This need to bottle everything up, I knew was dangerous, but I am unable to deal with the alternative, which is so much worse. It’s way worse than anyone could come up with unless they experienced it themselves or saw the atrocities that I did, or went through.
Avoiding Severus became a feat in and of itself. A man who made a life out of sneaking around, is almost impossible to evade. It didn’t matter that I myself had been a spy, his decades old life in both camps trumps my four years easily. I knew that he had seen by far more than I could ever understand and that was saying something I knew.
I couldn’t help thinking back to a conversation a couple of weeks ago, and the point I knew I would have a difficult time keeping my secrets, keeping all my pain locked up tight. It made a visceral feeling that I could almost taste crawl up the back of my throat, in danger of choking me. It made my vexation with him more clouded, with an emotion I couldn’t quite name.
I’m sure if I heard anyone else describe what I was feeling, this frustration, they would say that what I was feeling was attraction, which I knew it couldn’t be because I’ve never been attracted to anyone. I was never given the chance to have that part of my childhood, the Death Eaters and Voldemort took that away from me inevitably.
I suppose if I had to look at it from an outsider’s perspective, there certainly was something very dark and mysterious about him. Even knowing what I do know about him, he had that allure that made you want to get close enough to figure him out.
I’d always been captivated at the Death Eater meetings, seeing him with his long elegant fingered hands hanging loosely at his sides, in a kneeled position glaring to the floor before moving his placid gaze to our Lord, an immovable force that no one else there could touch.
And that is where my respect grew from, not as slow as it would have from or for anyone else, but like being hit with a Stupify.
Making my rounds, my mind roaming over everything, unwilling to put a name to what I am feeling, I am completely unaware. I bound up to the top step from down in the dungeons, and walking into something sound, bouncing me back, heel catching on the step I feel myself teeter, about to fall back. Faster than I can respond to, months out of the war, and I’ve let my guard down.
My upper arms are clasped in an iron grip before I feel myself yanked from the precipice of a dangerous fall, and into the arms of something even more dangerous.
From one breath to the next, our positions became apparent to me, and my mind shut down.
*
I felt it before she felt it, our bodies pressed together, from knees to our chest, her breasts flush against my chest, her small body pressed unwillingly against my larger one.
And I saw her eyes cloud over before her body went rigid and then she lashed out.
Shoulders rearing back, pulling her chest from mine, her knee came up to catch me before I picked her up and slammed her against the wall, holding her still as she began to thrash and scream, violently yanking her body from mine, only for me to hold her tighter. I pulled her from the wall and shake her before slamming her into the wall again. “MORWYN!” I shake her again. “Calm yourself you little fool!” Her thrashing continued though losing some of it’s ferocity, “Morwyn! It’s me, Severus, stop it before you wake the whole bloody castle!”
Her screaming died down, and relief rushed through me, as my options to quiet her would only have set her off again or even more. Her eyes met mine with the most feral look as she continued her attempt to break free. She desperately attempted to push me away, but I hold her tightly against the wall with no intention to release her until the onslaught was alleviated. She struggles for a long while, almost hysterically before withdrawing into her broken shell and silencing, her body slumping against the stones behind her and becoming still at last.
I didn’t know what was worse, her attack on herself and my person, or this dead visage. I let my hand release one of her arms and come up to her face, letting myself gentle, no one can see me down here, I push her hair out of her eyes and tilt her chin up, her eyes are hollow and unseeing.
I know I will have to do the one of the things I detest most.
*
I gasp. Jolting back to the situation at hand, finding Severus several feet from me, face turned away and jaw rigid. My cheek is aching and I look down to see his fists clenched tight. He struck me, and I can’t find the strength to be angry.
I know I should be, he struck me, but I just know that I shut down, I completely blacked out and he did what he had to do. “Sev-” I clear my throat, raw from screaming obviously, “Severus.” I saw his gaze shift back to me, before he turned his body to face mine again.
“Miss Blanchett,” Severus Snape is not a man that apologizes for doing what he must and I didn’t want him to begin with me, not when he didn’t need to. I know I shock him with what I say next, “Thank you Severus. But try not to ever touch me again if at all possible.”
I turn and leave, making my way quickly to my private rooms before I could make this night even worse. If that were at all possible.
*****
I knew things were soon coming to a head.
The decorations for Halloween swallowed the Great Hall and each classroom, bringing a gloom over most if not all the staff and some students. Such a happy event for the wizarding world, every child enjoys All Hallows Eve, it having been one of my favorite holidays and it’s rapid approach reminding most of the tragic loss of Lily and James Potter and the beginning of the end essentially.
After a staff meeting on how to raise the students spirits, ideas being thrown around the room, with even Severus who seemed to want to make his Slytherins enjoy the festivities as well.
I’d spent the majority of the meeting avoiding looking to his end of the table, unsuccessfully.
But it was after this meeting that things did indeed come to a head. I knew, as I made my way to my rooms - he didn’t even try to hide - that he was following behind me.
As I opened my door he trapped me against it - one arm on either side of me, hands planted flat against the door, avoiding contact - caging me in.
I could feel myself starting to breathe heavily, panic rising.
“Don’t. even. think. about. it.”
I look at him unsure if he is warning me or in fact telling me to push it down. I want to listen to him, I clench my jaw, trying desperately to rein in the destructive demon inside my head.
I know he can see me, willing myself to not break down. “Your fear is weak Morwyn, it will be your undoing.” I don’t know what happened from one moment to the next, my hand lashed out and struck him hard across the side of his face, turning his cheek sharply. I didn’t have time to blink before he pulled me hard from the door and into my own rooms, slamming the door shut and throwing me down on the closest available surface, my bed.
“Strike me again and you will see what I can do, witch. I do not have the patience for your theatrics,” he sneered down at me as I scrambled back along till my back hit the headboard “Start talking. Now!" He stalked closer to the head of the bed, looming “You want my respect, you want to earn it? Start talking.”
*
I watch her try to collect herself, nodding in affirmation, almost as if she is giving herself permission to speak of this.
*
“I was fourteen, I told you before, when I joined the Death Eaters. I saw things that I never imagined in my worst nightmares, I would see. Tried to be strong, to shut down all emotion and numb myself to it all.” I took a deep breath, about to speak of this out loud for the first time. “I was fifteen the first time they held me down. I was… I’d never even kissed anyone before.” I feel my throat close before I clear it. I watch him step back and take the seat close to my bed, sitting down without taking his eyes from my face. “I remember going home that night and scrubbing with scalding water, I’d never been so bloody filthy, I can still smell them now, hear their jeering. I remember that night, feeling as though I’d never be clean again… and I’m not.” I look into his eyes. “They ruined me Severus.” He doesn’t even appear to be breathing he is so still. “That was not the last time. Not by far. For my sixteenth birthday, the dark Lord decided to reward me. I got to pick who I wanted to be with.” I can’t help the dry bark of laughter “How lucky for me, right?!”
He nods. “Actually Morwyn, you have no idea just how lucky you really were.” I feel my lips thin, because I know he is right, but it doesn’t take away from what happened, from the past experiences, I had been able to pick out the least brutal of the group, though it was still nowhere near pleasant for me. His silence is all the encouragement I need to keep talking.
I can’t keep my eyes on his anymore, I find a safe place to look, my hands tangled in the comforter underneath me, picking at the stitching. “It only happened a few more times, the last time being the most brutal.”
I saw him still, before his head tipped down, “I was young myself. When I first went in. It seems…” I saw his chest move in a most minute of movements, like he was bracing himself but still trying to hide it, he is still trying to hide till this day “I was a young man, and not very strong physically… to the advantage of some of the others.” His hands, which were clasped, trembled slightly, giving me a peek into what must have been horrendous if the man in front of me, the greatest spy, is still affected. I didn’t need him to continue.
Before I could stop myself, I felt my hand move as if of it’s own accord. Lifting, and pushing the hair which had fallen into his face, away. His slight flinch alerted me to the fact that we were closer than I realized, that as he begun to speak, I’d been moving towards him where he sat in his seat next to my bed.
I couldn’t believe that I was the one that was initiating touch, when I can’t handle being touched in any way. My body leaning at an uncomfortable angle, I scoot forward more, my arm still raised and hand near his face. I let my hand finish it’s course and come to rest against his cool cheek.
I was sure he’d pull away from me just as I had always pulled away from him. If I wasn't so focused on this small point of contact, I would have never noticed, it was a surprise that he’d leaned slightly into my touch, starved I’m sure like anyone who’d been as abused as we.
“Severus.” I didn’t know what to say, but as I opened my mouth to speak, his quick reflexes had him swinging my hand away from his face - but not before I felt the backs of my fingers graze his hot mouth - and springing from his seat. His black robes flowing fluidly behind him like smoke as he made his way out of my chambers in urgency.
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Treading a Troubled Track