Adult-FanFiction.org : Harry Potter

Why Should That Mean It Isn\'t Real?	By : HedwigsOwl Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 6714 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling nor do I own Harry Potter. I am not making money from this story, it is purely for entertainment.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
- 3
N/B: Chapter One with some changes...please refer to prologue notes if you are confused :)
Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling nor do I own Harry Potter. I am not making any money for this, it is purely for entertainment.

Chapter One:
"Do you intend on standing on my door step like a codfish all evening, Mr Potter?" Severus managed to say despite the blush that threatened to rise to his cheeks at the wandering eyes of his former pupil. Harry jumped at the question and his eyes finally rested on his Severus' as he shifted on the spot. Feeling somewhat uncomfortable at the attention, Severus suddenly realised that he had answered his door without thought, wearing his shirt open at the collar, his scarred neck on display. Harry's eyes widened comically as Severus hastened to pull his collar close.
"I'm sorry, I wasn't staring at your neck." He stuttered, taking an unconscious step forward. "It's looking loads better since I last saw it. I've just...I've never...seen you without your robes on."
Harry finished pathetically, looking down at his feet. Severus swallowed against the smile that was threatening to form at the man's explanation. A few months ago, this display would have disgusted him and yet he now struggled not to pull the man into his arms. He felt his absence as keenly as if he had severed a limb from his own body. Taking some pity on the man, Severus moved to the side to allow entrance to his private rooms; "Eloquent as ever, Potter."
Expecting the man to return with some biting comment as would be the normal response, Severus had to blink in surprise as he was rewarded instead with a blinding smile.
"Sorry," Harry said with a casual smile, moving past Severus with a brush of his shoulder, "You still have this amazing ability to make me feel like a first year caught doing something wrong. Even after everything."
"Perhaps if you hadn't spent so much of your school years in wrong doings, you would not be so familiar with such a feeling."
"Perhaps." He agreed lightly, turning to Severus again with a smirk. "I'm sorry for disturbing you like this but I was just with McGonagall and she told me that you had been released from St. Mungo's."
"Yes, well." Severus responded, closing the door behind him. "I'm as healed as possible and I found myself less than impressed with their services. The food was deplorable and the potions I received in their care were barely passable. Even you could do better."
"That is saying something." Harry agreed with a small laugh.
"My replacement was much more complementary in your potion making skills if I recall." Severus said, smirking. "Quite the unexpected genius."
Harry's smile became something less than amused, more primal as he took a step towards Severus. "We both know that I had an exceptional teacher that year and I'm not talking about Slughorn."
"Harry Potter finally admitting to wrong doing?" Severus was sure Harry could hear the beating of his heart as tried to divert the conversation to safer ground. Of course, he had known that Harry had somehow managed to acquire his potions textbook as a student, one he had carelessly misplaced, the moment he stood over Draco Malfoy's mutilated body. The boy, as he was then, wore his heart on his sleeve so much that one glance in his eyes had confirmed his suspicions, despite Harry's later claims of denial. He idly wondered if the man still had the book in his possession.
"I'm turning over a new leaf." There was a heavy pause as Harry searched his face intently as if seeking some small recognition of some kind. Severus felt something settle in his stomach at the look, feeling as if he were missing something important. Something he should have remembered and yet had forgotten. After a while, Harry simply shrugged and looked around the room with an indifferent glance. "The Headmistress says your returning to teach potions this year."
"It hasn't been decided yet. Have a seat."
Walking towards the small sofa placed in front of the fireplace, Severus turned towards his drinks cabinet and poured two small glasses of firewhiskey. Taking a deep breath, Severus faced his guest and held out a tumbler in offering. With a whispered thanks, Harry took the drink and dropped onto the sofa with an audible thump, cradling the glass between his hands as if to warm the golden liquid within. Severus stood in front of fireplace, staring into the flickering flames as a comfortable yet expectant silence fell around them. Harry broke the still first.
"I don't know what you remember of that night," He offered not having to explain to Severus what "night" he was referring to. "But I want to apologise. I should have never left you like that. I should have checked that you were-"
"Enough, Potter." Severus had intended his tone to be harsh and yet it had come out as soft, comforting. He couldn't bear the guilt in the other man's tone. "You have nothing to apologise for. Venom can reek havoc on the body, can mimic death better than any other toxic known to man. I owe you my life. It seems I am still indebted to the Potter name."
"You owe me nothing, Sir." Harry replied softly and Severus closed his eyes against the desire that flooded him. That loving tone, that voice that had been so familiar to him and yet had only been a figment of his delirious mind. The healers at St. Mungo's had informed him that he had been unconscious for six days and yet to Severus it had felt like a lifetime. With Harry. Severus mentally shook his head to rid himself of the all too tempting memories. This was not the man from his fevered dreams and he could not treat him as such. It was better best forgotten.
"Minerva informs me that you are to join the Aurors shortly." Severus turned the conversation to more neutral grounds, and yet he refused to face him. "Please accept my sincere congratulations."
"It hasn't been decided yet." Harry replied, and Severus could hear the teasing smile in his voice. Finally Severus turned to face his guest and lifted an eyebrow in query. The smile in question slipped from his face. Harry took a shuddering breath, his shoulders shaking from the force and looked down into his glass, staring into the liquid as if it held the secrets of the universe. "I was fourteen when I decided I wanted to be an auror and part of that was to help me fight Voldemort. I don't know, in a way it feels like the person that walked into the forest is gone and someone else walked out."
"The truth is," Harry continued after a pregnant pause. It seemed to Severus that he struggled to voice each word, as if he had never spoke of these concerns to anyone before. They visibly pained the younger man, like the slow drawing of poison from an open wound. "I never thought I would live to see my eighteenth birthday never mind what life I wanted afterwards. I feel...lost."
The last word was said on a breath and Severus felt his heart clench in response. He knew of that feeling all too well. "You may do whatever you wish, Potter."
"Hogwarts is the only home I've ever known." Harry continued as if Severus had never spoken. "I thought if I came back here, I'd be able to figure that out."
Severus had intended to let that comment pass, not wanting to admit how much he understood the man's pain and yet without thought, he found himself responding. "It seems you and I are in agreement for once, Mr Potter."
Severus could feel the eyes boring into the side of his head and he drained the remainder of his drink to distract himself from that piercing gaze. Eyes that had once been so similar to Lily's once upon a time but had now seen too many horrors that she never had to witness. Those beautiful eyes belonged to Harry alone. Severus heard Harry cough slightly as if he had swallowed his alcohol too quickly before he heard the tell-tale noise of glass hitting wood as the tumbler was set to the side.
"Sir." Harry said firmly, imploringly. Taking a deep breath, Severus turned towards Harry with an eyebrow raised, desperately trying to ignore his racing heart. Harry now stood directly behind him and the air around them had become intense, perilous with the utterance, as if the weight of a thousand words rested in that one. "The reason I came here was to apologise for my behaviour over the years. I would like to start over. I would like to be your friend if you'd let me."
Severus would have bet a thousand galleons that Harry had rehearsed those words countless times. His tone had remained steady throughout yet the slight trembling of his throat as he swallowed displayed his true unease. Harry shifted on the spot as Severus remained silent for a time but bravely held out his hand in a sign of friendship.
"I am no hero." Severus said harshly and Harry blinked suddenly, a look of confusion crossing his handsome face.
"Maybe not. But I'd like to know you all the same."
Severus felt his heart stop. Without his knowing, his hand had reached out and grasped Harry's in its hold, his thumb unconsciously stroking the soft skin beneath as it moved back and forth. A faint blush appeared on the younger man's cheeks as neither of them made a move to separate yet his smile was tremulous. Again, Severus felt that uncontrollable rush of desire course through him as he stared into the familiar face before him and a thousand unwanted thoughts came to his mind. How easy it would be to pull the man into his arms as he had so many times in his dreams, memories of Harry's strong body against him causing tremors to race through his body. Cursing his lack of robes, Severus reluctantly released Harry's hand and turned away slightly to hide his heated response to the innocent touch.
"Since we're such good friends, Potter-"
"Harry. I'd like it if you called me Harry."
Severus nodded in acquiescence and Harry's face split into a smile as if he had just been given a remarkable gift. He supposed to Harry, his compliance was something remarkable indeed but to Severus it was no great hardship any more. He had been referring to the man as Harry in his head for months anyway. "Very well, Harry. May I ask you something personal?"
Severus asked motioning for the two of them to take a seat. Dropping back into his earlier spot, Harry turned to him as he sat next to him, knees almost touching. "Of course."
"As I am neither one for gossip or tabloids, I find myself turning to the original source." Severus paused and looked at Harry expectantly. "Many witnesses saw the Dark Lord kill you, Hagrid has told the story so many time since my return to the castle I am able to repeat his version of events word for word and yet it is almost too impossible to believe that you walked out of that forest. Even for the Boy-Who-Lived."
Harry smiled with understanding. "You want to know how I survived?"
"Correct."
"Because I chose to. The night Voldemort returned he took my blood to rebuild his body and tied me to him, even in death. By killing me, he destroyed the Horcrux inside me but he also gave me a way to come back." Harry replied mechanically, as if he were his friend Granger rhyming off an answer from a textbook, word for word. Severus imagined he had to repeat the story many times since his triumphant return. Harry laughed suddenly, softly as if he were recalling a fond memory. "I was tempted to not come back but Dumbledore managed to gently convince me as he always did."
"Dumbledore?" Severus said with such force that Harry jumped. "What on earth do you mean? Albus is dead, I should know. I killed him myself."
Harry looked at him strangely at the sudden desperation in his voice and yet he was not surprised at the disbelief. "Um, yeah. I know it sounds nuts but I was at King's Cross with Dumbledore. It felt like we spoke for hours even though I was only dead a few seconds."
Severus felt something heavy settle in his throat, in his chest, making even the simple act of breathing seem difficult. Staring into the flickering flames before him, his mind raced with scattered thoughts and strange emotions until he felt dizzy with it all. He had spoken to no one of what had occurred while he had lingered between life and death as he knew of no other person who would listen without disbelief or scorn. And here, sat the one person who could truly understand what had happened to him yet, ironically, was the one person Severus couldn't talk to.
"Was it real?" Severus finally whispered. Surprisingly, Harry laughed softly.
"I asked Dumbledore the exact same thing. He said that even though it was happening inside my head, it didn't mean that it wasn't real. Whether Dumbledore said those things to me or not, it still means everything to me. I think that no matter what, it was real to me and that's what really matters."
Severus turned his head and stared into Harry's eyes. Despite himself, he felt a flickering of hope in his chest. "Precisely."
"Did you see something, Sir?" He asked after a length of time, a look of realisation flashing across his face. "You...you were as close to death as anyone I've ever seen. Did you see something?"
In the days to come, Severus would have regretted being honest with the younger man, forgetting that he was one of Severus' students and pressing the tentative friendship they had only just forged but he found for the first time in his life, he could not lie. "Yes. I saw something that could not have existed."
"What?" Harry whispered back as if he were afraid to break the still that had befallen them.
"I saw my life as it is and yet with the person I loved above all, who loved me, by my side. I dreamt of a peace I have never known."
Severus blinked in surprise when Harry looked away, a hint of sadness marring his beautiful face, staring unseeingly into the flames. "You loved my mother."
"Yes." Severus responded, tilting his head to the side to try and catch his eye. "Much in the way you love your Miss Granger."
Harry turned his head to stare at Severus with shock and something else undefinable lingering within the emerald depths. "All this time...you loved her as a friend?"
Severus only nodded in response. Something glittered in Harry's eyes at the revelation and Severus found himself being pulled in until he was blind to everything. All he could see was Harry. A part of him desperately wished that the other man would ask him who he had dreamt of and yet he knew Harry would never ask.
"You love very strongly." Harry said simply, blushing as if the words embarrassed him to voice even as he spoke them.
"Yes." Severus croaked, his glance dropping to Harry's lips. "I have little experience of it, when I have it, I treasure it."
The thought of kissing him had no sooner crossed Severus' mind than Harry jumped up from the sofa as if he had been burned.
"Oh fuck!" Harry said distractedly, turning on the spot in one way to another as if he couldn't decide on which direction to take. Severus smirked in amusement, feeling equal amounts of relief and disappointment that the moment that had consumed them had come to an abrupt end.
"Language, Mr Potter." Severus said lightly and Harry laughed.
"I was supposed to meet Ginny...half and hour ago." He added, pulling out a battered looking pocket watch. Severus felt a spark of jealousy radiate through him at the thought of the girl. Severus was a possessive man, it was true. "She's going to kill me. I should go."
And yet even as he spoke, he seemed as reluctant to leave Severus as Severus was to let him go.
"I hope I see you again." Harry said after a moment of silence, turning to look at the door he had entered from. Glancing back at Severus, he smiled warmly, a hint of teasing in the upturn of his mouth. "You're easier to talk to when you're not deducting points."
Severus looked down at his clasped hands to hide his amusement. With a whispered "goodbye" the other man turned and crossed the room in purposeful strides. It wasn't until the door closed behind him with a resounding thump that Severus jumped to his feet, Harry's words swimming through his head as clear as if someone were screaming them.
Why should that mean it isn't real? Why can't it be real?
Crossing the room in great strides, Severus turned the knob of the bathroom door and stormed in, bouncing the door off the wall hard enough to chip the paint and knock over the many bottles of shower gel and shampoo that had littered the edge of the ancient bathtub. And there he was, glaring at him from above the wash basin., his eyes cold, his thin lips curled over yellow, crooked teeth and his limp greasy hair falling around his sunken face. The reflection of himself as others saw him but to Severus it was a perfect stranger. This was the true mask he bore to the world, to keep them from seeing what lay beneath. Severus gave a rueful laugh. Worked like a charm, he thought with self-loathing. So few had tried to see beyond his ghastly appearance and unapproachable personality and those who dared had died by his actions, his thirst for power, his greed. Lily, Albus...Harry. But Harry had achieved the impossible once more and survived; lived to stand in his private rooms and offer Severus the hand of friendship as shy and tentative as it was.
He stood in front of his mirror, his hands grasping the rim of the basin until his hands became stone white, not sure what to do next. For once he had no master leading his hand, no grand scheme to follow. He was neither death eater or spy but just a man in control of his own destiny with nothing or no one to call his own. A deep longing ached inside his chest as he recalled the dream-life he had so cruelly been ripped from: a happiness he had never known before and a loneliness that had yet to fade since.
"Listen to me, Severus." Harry spoke to him from mind. "I don't a shit what the world thinks of me. They can reject me, they can hate me. I don't care as long as you love me. You're in my blood, Severus. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself, old man and fuck me."
A silent moan escaped between his lips as another memory assaulted him and he wanted to scream against the unfairness of it all. He had been loved completely by the Harry of his dreams yet the Harry of his reality would never know of the connection they had shared. Perhaps it were best that he forgot the strange event entirely and treat Harry no differently than any other student until the year ended and they would have no reason to see each other again. Severus shuddered when he thought it, the way he would sometimes shudder after swallowing a particularly strong mouthful of firewhiskey. But the shudder past and he stared resolutely into his reflection. He was no simple-minded fool who would simper at how unfair his life had been and let this opportunity pass him by. No Dark Lord reigned over him any more. He was free to live how he wanted and as he closed his eyes the only thought he had was of him. And Severus was nothing if not determined.
First things first, Severus thought as he pulled his wand from his sleeve, time to leave the mask behind. He lifted his wand to his face but paused as the magnitude of what he was hoping to achieve finally hit him and he lowered his wand once more. The thought of tricking Harry, manipulating him into accepting him crossed his mind briefly but Severus rejected it as soon as he thought it. He wanted Harry's love not his hate. No, there was only one way to do it Severus thought as he lift his wand again to hover in front of his nose. No matter how long it took, he had to make Harry Potter fall in love with him. Any simpering little red heads who fancied themselves in love were nothing more than an inconvenience. He would make sure of it.
With a deep breath to ready himself Severus snapped his wand to the side quickly, closing his eyes against the stem of tears that threatened to fall as his nose broke. Blood began to flow down his face as he blinked rapidly and stared at himself in the mirror. With another flick of his wand, his nose cracked loudly and knitted itself without strain or scaring. He remembered the many times his nose had been broken over the years, by his father, by Potter Senior, by the Dark Lord for his tainted blood and each time Severus had healed it crudely until it became distorted as well as large. Severus waved his wand again and his hair lost its greasy shine and instead glowed with health. No doubt that would soon disappear the moment he stood before a cauldron but he was sure that when he was a teenager he had come across a potion that ensured the protection of ones hair during brewing. Until now he barely had the energy to care of such trivial matters. The length had grown out over the last year and his recent stay in St. Mungo's and now reached below his shoulders. Another swipe of his wand had it chopped in half, accidentally cutting it too short without the added weight of grease. Severus grimaced at the result. If his teaching career ceased to be, he was sure he wouldn't make a living in styling hair. He rarely had much practice in cutting hair, often avoiding it after years of bullying from others for his uneven haircuts as a child. He often just let it grow until it became unmanageable.
Severus ran a tired hand over his face. The lines that had appeared in the last several years from stress, exhaustion and age would never truly fade yet he thought escaping the dungeons for a few days while the weather still remained warm might improve his pale, gaunt skin. While his nose was now straighter and more central and his hair no longer hung in clumps around his face, he was in no denial. Severus knew that no magic in the world could change his looks so that he would be as classically handsome as some. He stretched his neck to the side to observe the scarred skin that would forever remain and squashed the mad desire to return to his high neck robes to avoid prying eyes and questions. However, Severus remembered the way Harry had stared at his chest with open admiration and endeavoured to change his wardrobe with great haste. Turning back to the task at hand, Severus smiled widely, his straining facial muscles a testament to how rarely he truly smiled before he relaxed his mouth with a frown. He looked insane, utterly insane. With a mental shrug Severus worked on removing the stains from his teeth, blinking against the pressure in his mouth as they shifted and moved into alignment. He stopped abruptly when an image of Gilderoy Lockhart swanning around the castle, blinding any who crossed his path with his smile, came unbidden to his mind and decided that his teeth had been improved enough. When he was done, Severus gave a tired sigh and placed his wand in his shirt sleeve. While he had done very little in the way of physical demand, the entire process had been somewhat emotionally draining and yet cathartic. With a nod at his reflection, he touched a finger to the mirror firmly.
"It all starts now, Severus," He said decisively before turning on his heel. As he was closing the bathroom door, idly wondering if he could brew up a batch of stain-removing cream as he left, the mirror responded "Oh yes, very nice, dear."
HPHPHPHPHPHP
"Come in." Severus entered the office without hesitation with the stern command. Sitting behind the ornate desk sat Minerva McGonagall looking as stern as ever in her green tartan robes and pointed hat but her mouth had softened somewhat when Severus entered the room. "Severus? You look much improved. Is there something can I do for you?"
"The offer of employment." Severus stated directly. He avoided looking around the room and chose instead to linger near the door, however he already noted many of the changes that had occurred in the circular room since Minerva had been reinstated as acting head of Hogwarts. During his brief time as Headmaster, he had changed nothing of Dumbledore's office or his belongings. It was not his to claim. "I accept."
Minerva looked at Severus with surprise but soon agreed with a nod. "I am glad to hear it, Severus. I was hoping you would stay with us, I've already had to replace so many of the staff-"
"For the year." Severus interrupted as gently as he could. "I will stay here for the year until a suitable candidate can be found. After that, my time as a teacher will come to an end."
"Very well, Severus." Minerva said after a moment and Severus was touched as the clear sadness his leaving was having on the older woman. They had barely communicated during the previous year when she had been convinced he had betrayed Albus but since his true allegiance had been declared, he had often seen her glance at him with regret and guilt at their strained relationship however Severus felt no anger. He had played his part well. "Please know, that you will always have a place at Hogwarts should you wish to return."
"I appreciate it." Severus replied genuinely with a small bow in farewell.
"Severus?" Turning away from the open door, Severus looked at the older woman who was now staring at him imploringly. "I must remind you that many of our older students will be returning to repeat their final years and while your previous role required you to present a particular persona to many of them, I would ask that you treat everyone fairly."
Severus felt his mouth twitch in amusement. "Is there a particular student you had mind, Minerva?"
"You and Potter's hatred of each other is as legendary in these halls as the boy's name." Minerva replied shrewdly. "While I know you and he will never truly become friends, I would ask that you treat him decently this year. He has been through more than anyone should have to and he was most distraught when you were injured. Please be nice to him. This is my only requirement of your return, Severus."
"I will endeavor to meet your request, Minerva."
Severus left the office before his smirk betrayed him. He would certainly do everything in his power to be nice to him.

N/B: Please review :)
XX
- 1
- 2
- 3
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

Why Should That Mean It Isn\'t Real?